0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:08 > 0:00:14# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:29This programme contains strong language
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Joining me this week are
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield and Greg Davis,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:52 > 0:00:56On the board are six categories. Gary, which category would you like?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Media, please, Dara. - OK, your category is media.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01The answer is 600 metres. What is the question?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Is it...if Kelvin MacKenzie
0:01:04 > 0:01:07was to do a bungee jump from a height of 500 metres,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11what length rope should he be given?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Is it in fact what head-start would I need
0:01:15 > 0:01:19if I was competing against Usain Bolt in the 100 metres?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Is it simpler than that? Is it how big are some trees, Dara?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30No. No. No trees are 600 metres.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Is it how far is the Queen's bed from her en-suite bathroom?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Is it how far away can Boris Johnson smell a custard cream?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Is it in fact how far can The Proclaimers walk now?
0:01:49 > 0:01:54Is it at what distance is Theresa May attractive?
0:01:55 > 0:01:59None of the rest of us could do that, so good to have you on board.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Is it when kicking Chris Brown in the bollocks,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05exactly how long a run-up should you take?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Is it, proportionally, if a clown's nose was the size of Dara's head,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13how long would his shoes be?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Oh!
0:02:17 > 0:02:18So mean.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Is it how long was the longest runner bean
0:02:21 > 0:02:24ever grown at the Fukushima nuclear plant?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Is it in fact how long would your penis be
0:02:28 > 0:02:32if all the products in the spam e-mails worked?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Is it what is the delivery radius
0:02:37 > 0:02:39of a relatively unambitious pizza company?
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Sorry, can we move towards the correct answer, please?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Is it the distance Prince Philip sprinted
0:02:47 > 0:02:50to get hold of a copy of the French magazine Closer?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Am I close?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You can be Clo-zer.
0:02:59 > 0:03:05Is it in fact the distance that they were taking shots of Kate topless?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09That is absolutely right. Thank you very, very much, Andy Parsons.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10APPLAUSE
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16from what approximate distance
0:03:16 > 0:03:20did a photographer take pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge sunbathing topless?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23This is the news that the royals have taken legal action against Closer
0:03:23 > 0:03:26which has printed topless photographs of Kate...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- What's it called, Dara?- I don't know. The French call it Clo-zer.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33We had a French woman working on the show and I'm going, "Surely it's Clo-zay."
0:03:33 > 0:03:34She goes, "No. Clo-zer."
0:03:34 > 0:03:37A French court has blocked future publications of the pictures
0:03:37 > 0:03:41in France but they have already been published in Italy and Ireland.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44There's loads of royals who've been snapped naked, haven't they?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Obviously Harry, now Kate, then we had Andrew before that,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Charles before that, Countess of Wessex.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I mean, there have been in fact so many of them,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I think they should persuade a few more of them to do it,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58and then they could release a charity calendar.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02The thing is it's terrible, it's unjustifiable, it's immoral,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04but I quite want see the pictures.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Are you saying you haven't seen them yet?- I haven't.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I've seen fuzzy versions of them on the, er...
0:04:10 > 0:04:11- GREG:- They're all fuzzy!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14The pictures were taken from the Hubble telescope.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16From the Hubble Hubble telescope!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Very good.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22What I found intriguing was... I think...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24I don't know if everyone was,
0:04:24 > 0:04:29I was waiting for the next time she appeared in public to see if she would acknowledge
0:04:29 > 0:04:31what happened to the cameras and she didn't.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33She just did the same smile she always does,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36cos if someone had photographed my meat and two veg,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I would I probably would've come out and gone...
0:04:41 > 0:04:45I think the whole thing is just making a mountain out of two molehills.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50That's a good point.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I think the BBC would prefer it if we didn't descend into judging the woman's breasts.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56That'd be the incorrect direction to take.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I think she's annoyed because every woman's had this on holiday.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I've looked at the photos and they're at that awkward angle.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06When you're topless, you got to stay at a certain position or it's not attractive.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And she's in that reaching for the suncream position.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11That's what she's annoyed about.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14We've all got those photos, like my Uncle Terry when he popped out of his shorts.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I didn't see that edition of Clo-zer.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Jo's Uncle Terry pops out to the shops...and his shorts.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Do you think she's genuinely worried about it, though?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Do think there's just one...
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Well, do you think there's just one tiny bit of how that's thinking,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"Where's my sister's arse now, then, eh?"
0:05:41 > 0:05:44No British newspaper editors have published the picture,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47although they have all had a proper think about it.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51The massive hypocrisy of it is astonishing. The Sun...
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I like it when the Sun gets on its high horse about something.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58It said, "Well, no responsible paper would touch this with a bargepole."
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Two weeks ago we, you were doing everything you could to show us Harry's bargepole.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Which publications have printed the photographs?
0:06:06 > 0:06:07- Clo-zer.- Clo-zer.- Clo-zer.- Clo-zer.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12The Irish Daily Star because she's not your future queen.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15There's an Italian magazine called Chi and The Irish Daily Star
0:06:15 > 0:06:18both published it, but they gave very different excuses.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20The Italian excuse was very,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"But they're young and they are beautiful and they are in love."
0:06:23 > 0:06:26And The Irish Daily Star was, "She's not our Queen."
0:06:27 > 0:06:31When they publish photos like that, and there are always photos like that,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34not of the royals, topless photos in magazines, shot with a long lens,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37they are always of kissing and cuddling in the pool,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40and then they're putting suncream on each other.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And these are meant to be sexy, erotic.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48There's nothing less erotic than putting suncream on your partner's back, is there?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- It's just something you have to do. - Yeah.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55The reason you have to do it is you can't put suncream on your own back,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58so you've got to reach a deal with the person who's going to do it.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59That's all, isn't it?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I was photographed on holidays once by... Papped, papped, yeah.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I was a taking holiday and I was doing exactly that.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09The pictures, I don't know if you saw them, but they were quite shocking.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11And it was an intrusion...
0:07:11 > 0:07:13DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:07:14 > 0:07:17That wasn't on holiday, was it, Dara?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- No, that was no holiday for me. - It was in our house, wasn't it, Dara?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24That's the least erotic thing I've ever seen.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Where does the guy in the office find the source photograph?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- I believe he has your laptop.- Yes.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34In other royal news, who's been found in a car park in Leicester?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Stan Collymore.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42- This is Richard III, isn't it? - It is Richard III, yes.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Do you know about Richard III?
0:07:43 > 0:07:44I know a little bit, yes.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47My knowledge of Richard III would be...
0:07:47 > 0:07:49cos we weren't taught a lot of that in school.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51He is of the Shakespearean...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53HE GIBBERS INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:07:53 > 0:07:55"Skywalker!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00"Han cannot save you now.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Oh, the Death Star will be quite operational
0:08:04 > 0:08:07"when your friends arrive."
0:08:09 > 0:08:11You get a different version to us.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Richard III was the man who lost the War of the Roses...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22to Alan Titchmarsh.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26And he died at the Battle of Bosworth.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29His remains have been found under a car park in Leicester,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32which is great but they don't know what to do with them,
0:08:32 > 0:08:37because he's lost his ticket and he's got six grand in back payments.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40He's got to pay another 50 cos he's buried across two spaces.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I'm amazed anyone's shocked about finding him.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44The state of car parks these days,
0:08:44 > 0:08:48you can't walk ten feet without putting your feet in a Richard III.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- It's not a big deal, either, is it? - It's not a big deal?!
0:08:52 > 0:08:57It's not a big deal! They find Prince Harry in a skip most weeks.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I think it's been an amazing addition to Leicester's Hall of Fame.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04They've got Engelbert Humperdinck, Showaddywaddy, Rustie Lee
0:09:04 > 0:09:06and now Richard III.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08It's the worst variety show of all time.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13- All MC-ed by Gary Lineker. - Please tell me that he comes on at the end. "Ah, ha-ha ha!"
0:09:13 > 0:09:17I'm suspicious it is Richard III - firstly cos, you know,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19they didn't have car parks in the olden days,
0:09:19 > 0:09:24and also because they found the bones in a small cardboard box labelled "Southern Fried Chicken".
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Chickens do have a curvature of the spine.- Yes, they do. Wings.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31It is, yes!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35And people were a lot smaller then, so you're probably right.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38They weren't the size of a chicken!
0:09:39 > 0:09:43"I have found Richard III." Phwoom!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Just a chicken carcass. "Yeah, yeah. Look. Look at that.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47"We didn't even have to dig.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51"One of the cars pulled out and it was just here, sitting there."
0:09:51 > 0:09:54They think he killed the prince in the cell, they're not quite sure,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57but they think it was with a candlestick or the lead piping.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01That's one thing. And they think now he was probably quite a good king.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03He also said, "A horse, a horse, a kingdom for a horse."
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I think he should have been saying, "The force, the force!"
0:10:08 > 0:10:09DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:12"Skywalker!
0:10:13 > 0:10:18"Oh, the Death Star will be quite operational."
0:10:18 > 0:10:21It does appear to be a monkey.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25It's like a Chinese Death Star.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28"This Death Star a lot cheaper than the other Death Star.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32"It'll go faster."
0:10:32 > 0:10:34What the hell...?
0:10:34 > 0:10:38"You cwoss my palm and I tell you fortune."
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"No deliver to Endor! Endor..."
0:10:43 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"You have to collect.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49"I put down a force field so you can get in, innit?"
0:10:59 > 0:11:03I'm looking forward to the worldwide distribution of this episode.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09We were merely doing impressions of one another's impressions.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I was quite shocked to see the picture
0:11:11 > 0:11:13because I read today that he was only 32.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14He looks like Dot Cotton.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17To be fair to him, that's not actually a picture of him
0:11:17 > 0:11:19because they couldn't take pictures at the time.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- That's probably a painting or something.- Oh, really?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Did they have paparazzi back then?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26If his wife was showing her boobs on a balcony,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30would somebody have got a tapestry cushion and started...?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Even if they've only got the cushion,
0:11:37 > 0:11:41it's relatively easy to just sew a nipple on the top and then go...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46At the end of that round, the points go to Greg, Jo and Andy.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Now we play a round called Titty-titty Ban-ban.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01This game involves Jo, Gary and Andy, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it stops,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08someone must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11The winner is whoever I think is funniest. OK, here we go.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12The first subject is...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Sport. Who wants to come in on that? Andy Parsons.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22So, it was the Olympic parade last week.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It was great seeing it live.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Obviously, I had to keep a certain amount of a low profile in the crowd
0:12:28 > 0:12:31cos I was throwing a sickie from work at the time.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39But it was great.
0:12:39 > 0:12:4421 buses driving through London at a steady two miles an hour,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47so very like a normal day in London, really.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49There was an embarrassing moment, though,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52when one of the conductors rang the bell on the bus
0:12:52 > 0:12:55and then got the shit kicked out of him by the blind football team.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59And I realised, actually,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02that I could get into any sport during the Olympics.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06The only sport I couldn't actually get into - dressage.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Watching a horse walk and then reverse.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11They call it horse ballet.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I don't think anybody would go and see ballet
0:13:14 > 0:13:18if it was just some bloke walking, walking a bit quicker,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22slowing down a bit, stopping, bowing and then pissing off.
0:13:23 > 0:13:29And, secondly, not many people go to ballet anyway because it's shit.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37OK, let's see what the next subject is.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43And it's the internet. Who wants to come in on that? Jo.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45The internet.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49You know when you buy things on Amazon and they have recommendations,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52like the person who purchased this also purchased this.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I was thinking I would like to hack into Amazon
0:13:55 > 0:13:58and put up my own recommendations.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01So, like, the customer who purchased My Story by Dannii Minogue
0:14:01 > 0:14:04also purchased a length of rope and a wobbly chair.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Customers who bought the book
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Fabulous Photos Of Puppies And Kittens
0:14:14 > 0:14:16also bought Why Men Leave.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23And customers who bought 50 Shades Of Grey
0:14:23 > 0:14:25also bought a great big cucumber.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Internet crime is apparently on the rise because of the recession,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32because we're all short of money.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Like in my family, my grandad has to go into a home and these places
0:14:35 > 0:14:38are very expensive, but we found somewhere and it's really nice.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41He's got his own sort of kitchenette, his own shower stall.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44There's an outside space with plants and shrubs and stuff.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Best thing is it's completely free.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47We've left him in Homebase.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Thank you very much, Jo Caulfield.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59That leaves us with Gary. Let's see what topic you've been left with.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Spin the wheel.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03The topic is family.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Family, OK.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Old lady names are very much back in fashion at the minute,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12like Lily, or Elsie, or Rose,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15and we wanted something like that for our daughter,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17but we couldn't decide.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19So in the end we just called her Nan...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26..and told her she'll grow into it.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell schadenfreude
0:15:31 > 0:15:34and I couldn't, but he's dead now and I'm not, so I win.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a PH,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and that's cos he's slightly acidic.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53My married friends will always tell me there's someone out there for everyone
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and I think, "Wow, she must be a right slag!"
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Knock-knock. Who's there? Grandad.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Shit! Stop the funeral!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Grandad asked me how to print on his new computer.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11I said, "Just Control P."
0:16:11 > 0:16:14He said, "I haven't been able to do that for years."
0:16:19 > 0:16:24My confirmed bachelor uncle always describes himself as asexual,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26but I'd also add (B) gay.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40As a child, I was always told that if I touched myself down there, God was watching.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42But it turned out it was just Uncle Peter.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Thank you.- Lovely stuff. Well done.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Points at the end of that round go to Gary Delaney. Come on back.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Our next round is called Headliners.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Here's a picture of education secretary Michael Gove.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06But what does G-A-E-C stand for?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Is it Gove attends elf college?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Genetic abnormality explains chin.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Amazingly, no.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Is it something, something, something, cock?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Is it Michael Gove saying, "Gosh, actual ethnic children!"
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Is it in fact what the kids have done to him?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Glued arse to edge of chair?
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Is it Gove, Adonis, exuding charisma?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Is it adult literacy rates poor?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Very good. Well done.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Gollum advises earth children?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Is it grinder adventure ends catastrophically?
0:18:00 > 0:18:05OK, let's just have the correct answer cos, frankly, nothing's going to top that.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Gove announced as emergency contraceptive.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Let's have the correct answer, please.- It's got to be something about Gove announces exam change.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Very good. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Yes, the answer I was looking for was Gove announces exam changes.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26This is the news that education secretary Michael Gove has announced
0:18:26 > 0:18:29a new English baccalaureate certificate to replace GCSEs.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34From 2015, students will work towards a demanding three-hour exam at the end of a two-year course,
0:18:34 > 0:18:38rather than the current combination of coursework, modular exams and multiple retakes.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43He's invented an exam that thicker kids won't be able to pronounce.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47"It's the bacca-what? The bacc... Bacca-what? The ba...
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"Oh, give me a shovel, I'll go down the mine."
0:18:49 > 0:18:53I think the idea is if you're academic, you get a baccalaureate.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Otherwise, they teach you practical skills,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58like how to back a lorry out.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06The Tories have assured us that, under this system,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08no child will be left behind,
0:19:08 > 0:19:12but how can we take Tory promises that no child will be left behind seriously
0:19:12 > 0:19:14when their leader's David Cameron?!
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Do you know what the other abbreviation is?- EBC.- EBacc.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19It's called the EBacc.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Which is when Yorkshire people make a payment over the internet.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I thought that was something from Star Wars, isn't it?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Yes, it was. You know who hated the EBaccs? - I bet you can't do the impression.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32"Ah, Skywalker!"
0:19:32 > 0:19:36"Your EBaccs will not qualify you to run the Empire now."
0:19:37 > 0:19:41There's been a lot of debate over whether grades have been devalued,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44and I was discussing that recently with my nephew,
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Professor Timmy.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Hang on a sec, sorry,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51cos it's one of these things that I genuinely am always perplexed about
0:19:51 > 0:19:54coming from a different country, as I have, with my spices and my silks.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58And I came to your nation and there are so many great things about it,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01except your exams, which are mad. The education, by the way, is great.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06I'm not saying anything against the education people get here. It's fantastic. But the exams are mad.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10There are people who, when confronted with an exam paper,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12just go to pieces completely and forget how to count,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16and I think it's very unfair that they're marking the papers.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25There are people who just shouldn't be taking exams.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28My friend Carl was at sixth-form college with a girl
0:20:28 > 0:20:32who got her A-level results and when she pulled out the piece of paper,
0:20:32 > 0:20:37the three letters telling her what her future would be, she went...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:20:39 > 0:20:41"That spells nun!"
0:20:41 > 0:20:44People make an awful lot about the pressure that kids are under
0:20:44 > 0:20:47and I suppose they are but, speaking as an ex-teacher,
0:20:47 > 0:20:51when it comes to exam time, there's far worse pressure on the teachers
0:20:51 > 0:20:53cos you have to spend, sometimes,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56four, five hours in those halls just walking up and down,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59and it's a recipe for insanity.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I had no choice when I was teaching
0:21:01 > 0:21:03but to invent a game called Camp Aisle.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10It was just to see who could walk up and down the aisle the campest.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17We started off just sort of slightly mincing.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Honestly, by the end of it, I was walking down a full aisle of children like this...
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I knew it was time for me to leave teaching when I got to the end of one aisle,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30during an actual GCSE, a kid looked up at me and went...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32HE TUTS
0:21:35 > 0:21:38So were you essentially vogueing your way...?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I'm not exaggerating. By the end of it, I was...
0:21:46 > 0:21:50The thing is, they want to make the exams harder, don't they?
0:21:50 > 0:21:54But surely they're hard enough already if your teacher is walking up and down, camping it up.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Oh, no! I'm still qualified, technically.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59We'll have to cut this bit out.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Really? Is that your safety net? - Yeah.- Oh, that's really sweet!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Do you think anybody, having seen you in Inbetweeners,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07anybody is ever going to employ you?!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Well, you've always got a trade.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I did a gig at the University of Central England,
0:22:15 > 0:22:16which is in Birmingham.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19That's what they're trying to hide from you.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21As an opening line, I said,
0:22:21 > 0:22:25"UCE! So called cos that's the grades it takes to get in."
0:22:25 > 0:22:26LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Yeah, but I had to explain it to them.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I was in an exam when I was school
0:22:31 > 0:22:33and my mate at the back of the hall went...
0:22:33 > 0:22:36We were all waiting to leave,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39someone at the back of the hall went, "Meow,"
0:22:39 > 0:22:41and the exam invigilator went...
0:22:43 > 0:22:46And then someone else went, "Meow."
0:22:46 > 0:22:49And then, "Meow," from different parts of the hall.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54And it led to my favourite sentence I've ever heard come out of an adult's mouth, which was,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"All right. No-one leaves until the meowing stops."
0:22:59 > 0:23:04At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:23:13 > 0:23:17I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Six months in and Mike has fallen out with the builder.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30There was no window there and neither of them noticed.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36With violence and strong language from the very beginning,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39it's A Place In The Sunderland.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Yeah. Yes, it is north-facing but on the plus side,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50it's a caravan, so you can just turn it round.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Get that fish out of here, it stinks.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59You should never leave a plaice in the sun.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10We've just one hour while Gina's at the shops to improve her flat in Luton.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13We're setting it on fire and moving it to Oxford.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Well, it's another setback.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21This time the structure is damaged and, for the first time,
0:24:21 > 0:24:22I'm asking myself,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25"Will the Death Star ever be finished?"
0:24:30 > 0:24:33And more information on how to get together a deposit
0:24:33 > 0:24:38for a house can be found in our free leaflet When Will Nanna Die?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45So, you bought it at auction for £100,000
0:24:45 > 0:24:47but what exactly are you going to do
0:24:47 > 0:24:49with Middlesbrough?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Well, what we've done is,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57we've knocked the wall between the kitchen and the lounge down,
0:24:57 > 0:24:58and what that's done is
0:24:58 > 0:25:02killed all the people who were sitting in the lounge.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09The kitchen's done in a very modern style.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10We call it crack den.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17We're looking at a well-equipped council house in Hull -
0:25:17 > 0:25:19fridge, oven, washing machine.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23In fact, this is one of the nicest gardens we've seen.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27This week on Grand Designs,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29my gran designs a house.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31It'll be shit.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33She's got a terrible arthritis
0:25:33 > 0:25:36and not even a rudimentary qualification.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Three coats of varnish and a new rug,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46and Brucie is ready for his next show.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54Welcome to the 74-hour-long obsessive-compulsive episode of
0:25:54 > 0:25:56How Clean Is Your House?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Knock it down, tarmac it, fuck 'em.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11OK, the next topic is...
0:26:15 > 0:26:20Mr Parsons, your baby looks exactly like you,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23but mind you, so does every other baby.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28There are complications, I'm afraid.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30For a start, I'm not a doctor.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I definitely can see the head.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40You should do your flies up, doctor.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Bad news, I'm afraid.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48He's ginger...
0:26:50 > 0:26:51..Your Highness.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01So, er, would you like to hold the little fella?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Or shall I give you the baby?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Mrs Jones, I'm going to need you to push.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14And then when we've got the ambulance started,
0:27:14 > 0:27:16we'll try and get you to hospital.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Oh, God! Is that my baby?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I've given birth to Andy Parsons!
0:27:29 > 0:27:32I'd stay up that end and talk to your wife, if I were you, Mr Smith.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34It looks like Alien Vs Predator down here.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41And this is the ward for unwanted twins.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43We call it the Jedward.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Basically, you just turn them over and slap 'em on the arse.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54These nurses' parties are great.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Nice to see you again, Mrs Jolie.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05If you'd like to just move along to the next window to collect your order.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Oh!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12This isn't your first baby, is it?
0:28:18 > 0:28:21You have a bouncing baby boy.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24I know that because I dropped him in the delivery room.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30OK, big breath. Big breath in.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Hold it, hold it,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34and pass the joint to the midwife.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40If you're not in when we deliver your baby,
0:28:40 > 0:28:42is it OK if we leave it with a neighbour?
0:28:47 > 0:28:50No, no, I do like it, darling.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Just not in that colour.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01I know you're in great pain but we need to know your name.
0:29:01 > 0:29:02Right.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Doctor for Mrs Fuckoff!
0:29:06 > 0:29:10OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Greg, Jo and Andy.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17And that's the end of the show.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield and Greg Davies.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23CHEERING
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30CHEERING
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:29:43 > 0:29:48# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:29:48 > 0:29:53# Read all about it Read all about it
0:29:53 > 0:29:55# News of the world
0:29:55 > 0:29:56# News of the world. #