0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it... #
0:00:20 > 0:00:21# News of the world
0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are -
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Andy Parsons, Mark Watson and Russell Howard,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Patrick Kielty, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Here's a picture of David Cameron,
0:00:55 > 0:01:00but what does TLEC stand for?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Is it Tories Launch Exfoliating Cream?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Is it Topman Launch Eton Collection?
0:01:09 > 0:01:14Is it Tosser Leading Everyone to Catastrophe?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Are you not a natural Tory?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Or is it Tory Launch Extremely Caucasian?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32The people he's shaking hands with are that actual size, and it's Tiny Little Elf Convention.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- The elf vote is just screaming... - It's enormous.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Ironically, it's an enormous vote.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46Is it Tits, Lips, Eyes and Chin - everything he's got done in the poster?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Is it his full name?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Tarquin Linus Edwin Cameron.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57What's weird - and this is nothing to do with the initials -
0:01:57 > 0:02:00he appears to be in black-and-white at the front
0:02:00 > 0:02:02and in colour at the back.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Is it like the Wizard Of Oz -
0:02:04 > 0:02:07he's in black-and-white until the election, whereupon...
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Aha! He's the king of Munchkin Land.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14I know the answer. It's Tory Leader Effortlessly Camp.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Can anyone give something approaching the correct answer?
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Tories Launch Election Campaign.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Close enough - that'll do.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Yes, the answer was Tories Launch Election Campaign.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36It's election time again, with David Cameron saying the vote could not come soon enough.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Although the date has yet to be announced,
0:02:38 > 0:02:43the Tories have begun announcing their policies in a bid to woo voters and regain power.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44How did they launch the campaign?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Mainly by putting up a big poster of his face,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49where he's wearing so much make-up,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52it may as well just say, "Tory - because you're worth it."
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It is astonishing. I just think they should have run...
0:02:57 > 0:02:58It's like on 760 poster sites.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01They should have just run this poster instead.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Look at it! Look at it!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Look at the way my forehead glow follows you around the room.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13He looks like a cross between David Dickinson and Pingu.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18A cross that we've all been waiting a long time to see.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22That penguin vote, no-one's gone after that before.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24HE IMITATES PINGU
0:03:24 > 0:03:29If he did all the things, like waddling around...
0:03:29 > 0:03:32If he ever did that, they would close down CBeebies, wouldn't they?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35"What are you doing, Dickinson? Leave him alone!"
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"Take it, take it, you little bastard!"
0:03:38 > 0:03:39"No!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I can't waddle away quick enough!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47How much do you have to love yourself to launch your campaign
0:03:47 > 0:03:50with no policies and just a big picture of your own face?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53We now know what both leaders are going to say to us.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Gordon Brown is going to say, "Don't trust the Tories. They'll put up taxes."
0:03:57 > 0:03:59And basically David Cameron's going,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04# Don't cha? #
0:04:04 > 0:04:08What you have to remember is that Cameron was in PR.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11PR. I was 12 years old when I had a paper round.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13HUGH: I'm very...
0:04:13 > 0:04:18It's supposed to. He's trying to sell it on the NHS, isn't he?
0:04:18 > 0:04:22That's the image he's got, it's all about the NHS.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Now I'm worried that Gordon Brown will have a poster about health,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29with a big picture of him, and next to it, "Catch it, kill it, bin it."
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I not only have issues with the big shiny face.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I also have issues with the slogan.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Every time I see that, "We can't go on like this,"
0:04:43 > 0:04:47in my brain, it goes... # With suspicious minds. #
0:04:47 > 0:04:52It's also, you just get the impression it's very nicely-nicely, "Hey, I'm Dave. Come on, whatever."
0:04:52 > 0:04:56And then as soon as he wins, that's just going to regenerate, like...
0:04:58 > 0:05:03"Send me to Wales! I'm going to finish what I started!"
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Does he not look a bit like a hypnotist to you?
0:05:06 > 0:05:14The more... The more we have this picture, the more I'm becoming convinced we CAN'T go on like this!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Somebody must cut the deficit, not the NHS.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Who can do such a thing?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Don't you think it should actually say, "I can make you thin"?
0:05:23 > 0:05:28His eyes are shinier and his hair is sleeker,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30but it's not necessarily an air-brush.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32It could be that he's eating Pedigree Chum.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35His coat is more glossy?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Essential minerals are good.
0:05:37 > 0:05:43You can see him running through a field and over a wall. He's youthful and dynamic.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- Sometimes he just rubs himself on the carpet of the House of Commons. - That would be very funny.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52"And we're cutting to Prime Minister's Question Time, and he's just dragging himself...
0:05:52 > 0:05:56"Sorry. Sorry about this, everyone. I really have to get to a vet..."
0:05:56 > 0:06:01I wonder, you know with this trying to woo the middle classes. Are the middle classes that angry?
0:06:01 > 0:06:07I haven't seen the middle-class demonstrations. "What do we want?" "A Volvo estate."
0:06:07 > 0:06:10"When do we want it?" "After the holiday in Tuscany."
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- A moth just dived on us!- We're being heckled by a pig in the rafters.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Sorry, just one piece of confetti came down.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22A very cheap wedding is taking place.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25It's a note from Frankie.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32It says, "Will somebody make a quip about Kerry Katona's vagina?"
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- In time, brave soul, in time. - Those days are gone.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Kerry Katona's going, "Oh, I finally felt I could watch it."
0:06:39 > 0:06:43In other news, what's going on here?
0:06:43 > 0:06:44HUGH: Frozen Britain.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49That, I believe, is a very tall man that's taken that with a camera.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55This is the enormous news story that because it's the winter, it's a bit cold.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58It's absolutely amazing.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02For two weeks, all the news has been, "Tonight, still cold."
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- What I love about it, though... - "Really, I didn't realise?!"
0:07:05 > 0:07:10What's hilarious, they insist on putting the weather men in the snow.
0:07:10 > 0:07:16"It's really cold!" We can see that! When it's hot, they don't put Michael Fish in a man-kini.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22They always say that, don't they, "It's difficult to tell whether it's going to fall as snow or rain."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Surely the clue is in the temperature.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28If it's minus one, I'm thinking go for snow - that's my guess.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31If it's white, it's snow, basically.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Technically not true. Sorry, being the dullest man in the world.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I'm afraid I did a geography degree.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43It has to be above freezing to snow.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Otherwise it falls as sleet, does it?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48If it's below freezing, it won't be snow.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53KFC were very helpful. In all their meals, they put in a little sachet of salt...
0:07:56 > 0:08:01- ..to shake on the ground. - The lack of salt was such a Daily Mail reader's wet dream, wasn't it?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05"There's no salt! They've spent it all on Muslims, teaching them yoga!"
0:08:07 > 0:08:11"I can't get out of my drive, but Osama bin Laden can do the lotus."
0:08:11 > 0:08:15There's something about the transient nature of life, though, about the snow.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18It arrives and it's all stunning and it makes that lovely crunchy noise,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22and it slowly recedes into horror,
0:08:22 > 0:08:28and it's just like a one night stand that she never leaves.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Did you not feel, in the snow, though...
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Did you not genuinely feel a little bit sorry for 4x4 drivers,
0:08:34 > 0:08:40- in that for the first time...- Yep. - ..for the first time, they could justify using them on the school run.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42And then they closed the schools!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Fantastic!
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- I live in Chelsea... - "Oh, good lord!"
0:08:50 > 0:08:52DARA MURMURS
0:08:52 > 0:08:55When I introduced myself to the neighbours,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58they thought I was giving them a quote for tarmacking.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00It's not that glamorous.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03And I said to them, when they couldn't get their 4x4s out,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05"Why don't you let your kids walk to school?"
0:09:05 > 0:09:08And they said, "It's pretty clear you don't have kids.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"If you did, you'd leave them at the school gate to be safe."
0:09:11 > 0:09:15And I said, "Well, when I have kids, I'm going to send them to Catholic school.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19"They'll be in the care of Catholic priests from 9 o'clock to 3 o'clock.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23"The walk to school will be the safest part of their day."
0:09:25 > 0:09:29What I loved about the snow as well, was for that one week when it really tipped it down,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31the entire nation was like a Carry On film.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35"I've had eight inches in my driveway. Ooh!"
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"My back passage is all wet. Matron!"
0:09:39 > 0:09:43And then, even the transport secretary, his name's Lord Adonis. That's not a name.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46That's the make of a posh dildo.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51The worst job I ever had was forensic pathologist...
0:09:51 > 0:09:53for the United Nations.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58I remember I uncovered the mass grave of 1,000 snowmen.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Fortunately, it turned out to be a field full of carrots.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09I...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13What's great about it - Milton, every so often,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16he's like this hilarious granddad that just wakes up.
0:10:19 > 0:10:24I did notice, people start driving without clearing all of their windscreen.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29They try and find a little bit where they can actually have a look out.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I saw one bloke driving on the motorway, right.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35He was craned like this, he had his window open,
0:10:35 > 0:10:39he was squirting de-icer on his windscreen at the same time,
0:10:39 > 0:10:43and on the back of his vehicle, it said, "How am I driving?"
0:10:43 > 0:10:47At the end of that round, the points go to Russell, Mark and Andy.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Now, we play a round called Mock You, I Won't Do What You Tell Me.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59This game...involves Milton, Mark, Patrick and Russell,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01so if you could make your way over to the performance area, please.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:04 > 0:11:08one of our performers must step forward to talk about that subject.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. Here we go. Our first topic, please.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16And it's travel. Who wants to come in? Mark.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I think the thing with travelling,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21it's often hard to make yourself understood.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- I was in South Africa recently... - LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:26That's not even the joke, yet.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30I literally went to South Africa. All their vowels sound the same.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33So a word like "cigarettes" sounds like "secrets".
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I was there, this guy was like, "Give me one of your secrets! Can I have one of your secrets?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"Well, I once masturbated in a library."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49But in a way, I do at least enjoy it when it's me travelling.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I get very nervous when it's people I know and love, like my wife.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57My wife is always in planes, and I get very nervous in case something happens to her.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You can even track the flight on the website.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03The other week, my wife was flying and I was following it on the website.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07It says, "In the air". I couldn't relax until it said "landed".
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I'm not sure how reliable a guide it is, really.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13I can't imagine, if there is a problem, they'd change it to "crashed".
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Or "turned into a fireball", frowny face.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Thank you very much, Mark. Well done.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31The subject is international relations.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Patrick.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Er, the world is a very dangerous place,
0:12:37 > 0:12:41and I think in order to bring more peace and to prevent war,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43we need to cancel the United Nations,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47and stand down all armies. What we should do is we should replace it.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Every government should have to open a Facebook account.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Because Barack Obama opened a Facebook account to run for president,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57and a year later, he won the Nobel Peace Prize.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00It would be great. If every government had a Facebook account,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03the world would be a much better place.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06"America and North Korea are now friends."
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"China like this."
0:13:16 > 0:13:18"Hezbollah has poked Israel."
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"The people of Palestine have written on Israel's wall."
0:13:25 > 0:13:29"Osama bin Laden has tagged you in an album...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32"Jihad, 2001!"
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"America and Pakistan have gone from
0:13:35 > 0:13:39"'In a relationship' to 'It's complicated.'"
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Thank you very much, Patrick.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47OK, that leaves us Milton and Russell.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49The next topic, please.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53It's etiquette.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Um, I'm quite a socially awkward bloke.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- LAUGHTER - Thanks for laughing at just that!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Um...I saw a girl on a train recently, eating a yoghurt,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08and for some reason, my brain thought it would be a good idea to say,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"You know, that's very good for thrush."
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Like she was going to suddenly go, "Oh, sit down, stranger."
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I can't help it. I drift... Like, I was at a museum the other day.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Everywhere it said, "Don't take photos."
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I was taking a photo. A nine-year-old girl says, "What are you doing?"
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"I'm taking a photo." She ran off, "I'm off to tell the man."
0:14:26 > 0:14:31Now, the last thing you want to be doing is chasing a nine-year-old girl across a museum, going,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"Don't tell the man, don't tell the man!"
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Added to the fact that when you catch her, you've got to go,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40"I'll delete the photo." That doesn't look good.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Thank you very much, Russell.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47OK, Milton, let's see what you've been left with.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52The topic is health.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58My sister's got hay fever.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Now she's got diabetes, so I tried to cheer her up.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05You know, flowers, chocolates...
0:15:12 > 0:15:17About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back with lard.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21After that, he went downhill very quickly.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I've recently had bird flu,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31but it's all relative, isn't it?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35If I had rabies and you offered me bird flu, I'd bite your hand off.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Last summer, I set up a clinic for colonic irrigation,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48but the hosepipe ban hit us hard.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Thank you very much.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01And I think the points have to go to Milton and Patrick.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Give them a round of applause.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:07 > 0:16:11The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13On the board are six categories.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Patrick?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Transport.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19The answer is "35 seconds" - what is the question?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Is it, "How long regular viewers will take to change over
0:16:22 > 0:16:26"when they realise I'm sitting in Frankie Boyle's seat?"
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I know the answer. "What is a BAD sexual nickname?"
0:16:33 > 0:16:38Is it, "What is the age of consent for a mayfly?"
0:16:40 > 0:16:47Is it, "If you try and Google Tiananmen Square in China, how soon before you get a knock at the door?"
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Is it how long it takes Paul McCartney,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54when watching Dancing On Ice, to shout, "Trip, you bitch"?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58"I bought those shoes!"
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Shoe.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Is it, "Due to the BBC cutbacks, what is the new name for Just A Minute?"
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- One for the Radio 4 fans.- Very nice.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Is it the length of time between Peter Mandelson's heart beats?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Is it the length of time you can watch TV for before someone says, "Go Compare!"?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Is it, "How long does it take Jordan to get over a relationship?"
0:17:32 > 0:17:36The answer is going to be, "This is how long it will take
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"for the new scanners to, er, scan you."
0:17:38 > 0:17:41That's absolutely right, well done, Russell.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45The question I was looking for was,
0:17:45 > 0:17:50"How long will it take for passengers to be scanned through new airport body scanners?"
0:17:50 > 0:17:55The controversial new security technology is due to be introduced at airports around the UK.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59The process has already met with considerable opposition. Why?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Because they'll see me naked, Dara! - Yes, we'll be able to see people's willies.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04That is essentially it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Do you want to be blown up, or...?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09People go, "Oh my God, it'll attract perverts."
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Not unless you're into ghost porn!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Is that a man or a woman? - That's Casper.
0:18:16 > 0:18:22Not only, though, are you naked, but you've got to do the Macarena at the same time!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28The public outrage is extraordinary.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31The papers seem to think that this machine has been programmed
0:18:31 > 0:18:34that every time a woman goes through it, it goes, "Phwoar!"
0:18:34 > 0:18:39It doesn't just beep, it goes, "Ding-dong!"
0:18:39 > 0:18:41You can see on that, you can see he's got a wallet, a belt...
0:18:41 > 0:18:44some change, a pen,
0:18:44 > 0:18:48and a weird thing across his chest. I'd get that checked out!
0:18:48 > 0:18:53Somebody has... A surgeon has lost something inside that man.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57He also appears to have only two bones.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02He's also, weirdly, taller from the back, which is...
0:19:02 > 0:19:04That's harsh, isn't it?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08You don't really want people looking at your wobbly bits, do you?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Here they are, going, "This bloke's looking nervous as he comes through.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14"Is it that he's carrying a bomb?"
0:19:14 > 0:19:18No, it's a cold day and he's a bit worried about the size of his knob.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23They may open a region just before the thing, a kind of fluffy zone,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27where you can take a few moments and stave off the cold.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Just prepare yourself...
0:19:30 > 0:19:36How long will it take before stag parties start taking Viagra before they get to the airport?
0:19:36 > 0:19:37"Just for the craic!"
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Is it not a serious point
0:19:41 > 0:19:46that you've got to look at the ongoing war on terrorism and say,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48"If we now have to show our genitals
0:19:48 > 0:19:51"to a man in a box before we go on our holidays,
0:19:51 > 0:19:52"I think they've won"?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- I...- You see, Dara...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Probably means they've won.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02The thing is that human rights activists hate these scanners,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06but on the flip side, women's magazines will love it.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11It'll be, "Get the airport body scanner body you deserve."
0:20:11 > 0:20:14People are going to be so self conscious.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16You'll have to get Gok Wan out to Heathrow,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19giving people rounds of applause to get them through.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23It's like, "Come on, sister, you can do it!"
0:20:27 > 0:20:33I did get patted down the last-but-one time I went through Heathrow, and, er, you know,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36"Ding-ding-ding" and they're straight to the Diana Ross.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39It's quite robust, it's quite the frisk, now.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43When I went, "That's a bit, you know, hefty," as a challenge,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46"You know, you're really making contact there,"
0:20:46 > 0:20:49and your man goes, "It's for your own good."
0:20:49 > 0:20:52And I had a long discussion with him, going,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56"No, no, no. Generally, all of security is for my own good,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00"but actually patting me down individually isn't.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"I know I'm not a terrorist!"
0:21:02 > 0:21:05It's not like they'll say, "You've got a bomb strapped to you,"
0:21:05 > 0:21:08and you say, "I was wondering what that was.
0:21:08 > 0:21:14"It was chafing me in the taxi and I didn't feel like opening my shirt to find out. Thank you!"
0:21:14 > 0:21:16The way to get them is to play them at their own game.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19When they pat you down, act like you're really enjoying it.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22That really freaks them out. Just sit there going, "Oh, God!"
0:21:24 > 0:21:27"Oh!" Honestly, do it as loud as you can.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29They stop patting you down pretty quickly.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36The reason why all of this has been brought in is the guy who tried to blow himself up on Christmas Day.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41And I went home to Ireland for Christmas and it was worth it just to be there on Boxing Day
0:21:41 > 0:21:43for my mother to say with no irony whatsoever,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46she said, just after the Christmas pudding,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48"I don't know, those Muslim terrorists,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51"you think they'd at least take Christmas off."
0:21:54 > 0:21:58That was what was funny, though. Nobody cared because it happened at Christmas.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03"Oh yeah, a plane nearly..." "Did it? Oh, Uncle Buck's on, Nan's going to wake in a minute."
0:22:03 > 0:22:06They said that it was going to put people off flying.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11It didn't put me off flying as much as the story that happened in America just before that,
0:22:11 > 0:22:16which was the story of the two pilots who'd fallen asleep and missed the airport by an hour.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19And you're thinking, "How can TWO pilots fall asleep?!"
0:22:19 > 0:22:25Who looks... One pilot, maybe, but who looks at their co-pilot, sees them falling asleep,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28and thinks, "Yes, that's a good idea"?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32They have to do something,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35because there are more and more suicide bombers.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Well, more and more, and less and less.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44The thing about, I think his name was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab,
0:22:44 > 0:22:50he was not only on a list, identified as a possible terrorist,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53his father had alerted the authorities to the danger
0:22:53 > 0:22:56that his son had been converted to Jihadism.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01The only reason is because his father is a former director of the First National Bank of Nigeria,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04and presumably, when they got the e-mail that said,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07"I am the director of the First National Bank of Nigeria,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10"I have some information which may be of value to you,"
0:23:10 > 0:23:12they just deleted it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Have you seen the latest thing they're using - body language?
0:23:15 > 0:23:21As if somebody's going to be walking along playing with their moustache, going, "Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Apparently, this is it, now, right...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Was that a meerkat terrorist?!
0:23:29 > 0:23:33It's a meerkat terrorist, yeah. It plants a bomb and goes, "Simples".
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Apparently, this means you're lying, this means you're nervous.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40And if you go like this...
0:23:40 > 0:23:42it means you've got a bomb up your arse.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49At the end of that round, the points go to Patrick, Hugh and Milton.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56If everyone can make their way to the performance area, please.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01I'll read out the topics, and we'll see what the panellists can come up with.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02The first subject is...
0:24:06 > 0:24:13- IMPERSONATING BRUCE FORSYTH: - "But before we see tonight's crimes, let's meet the judges."
0:24:17 > 0:24:21"Police say they are looking for a black man in his 20s.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"And that they always will be."
0:24:26 > 0:24:31"Do you recognise this man? Thought not. It's Nick Clegg."
0:24:37 > 0:24:42"They say criminals always return to the scene of a crime...
0:24:42 > 0:24:46"which is why we've probably got so many Australians over here."
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"Coming up next week, we'll be trying to solve the murders
0:24:55 > 0:25:00"of the people who phoned up giving information on criminals this week."
0:25:02 > 0:25:06"Today, we're looking at identity theft. I'm..."
0:25:12 > 0:25:14"All the victims are deaf, dumb or blind.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17"These are senseless killings."
0:25:21 > 0:25:24"Baffled police are appealing for help. Do you know where Wally is?"
0:25:29 > 0:25:32"So, er...if you're being interrogated by the police
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"and they're recording the interview,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37"just make sure that every so often, you go..."
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"Ow!"
0:25:44 > 0:25:50"Tonight, the great train robbery - London to Glasgow, £235 return."
0:25:54 > 0:25:59"Tonight, we're looking for the man who keeps on burgling my home
0:25:59 > 0:26:02"every time I present this programme."
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"'Ello and welcome to Crimewatch. I'm your host, Ray Winstone.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10"Leave it, you slag!"
0:26:13 > 0:26:16"Don't go camping in the countryside...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19"Have you noticed that whenever the police find a body,
0:26:19 > 0:26:21"it's always in a tent?"
0:26:30 > 0:26:33"Hello, I'm Nick Ross, and tonight, I'm asking,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"Who stole my fucking job?"
0:26:35 > 0:26:39OK, the next topic is...
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Unlikely things to hear on a TV election debate.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44The truth.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53"Labour, ready! Tories, ready!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56"Bring on the wall!"
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"I think of this studio as a second home,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03"which is why I'm claiming expenses for it."
0:27:07 > 0:27:09"The lines have closed.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13"Gordon, it could be you. David, it could be you.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16"Nick, it's not going to be you."
0:27:21 > 0:27:26"We in the Tory party are going to give the north of England a huge Boost,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30"and then all the people can come out and lick the chocolate off it."
0:27:34 > 0:27:36"If you're elected, you'll raise taxes!"
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"If your mum's elected, she will!"
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"It's me who got you into this mess and it's...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45"him who'll get you out of it."
0:27:47 > 0:27:53"And at the end of that round, Gordon, you've scored no points."
0:27:55 > 0:27:59"I'm really very proud of my working class roots.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03"Er, when I was growing up, we only had an outside toilet.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06"Eventually, we got enough money to buy a house."
0:28:12 > 0:28:17"Cheryl, tonight, you're going to be mentoring the Lib Dems."
0:28:21 > 0:28:24"Lembit Opik, what's your real name?"
0:28:26 > 0:28:29"How will we shorten waiting lists? Simple.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31"By letting the weak...
0:28:31 > 0:28:32"die."
0:28:40 > 0:28:43"Hello!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46"I am the messiah!"
0:28:48 > 0:28:52"And the queen is a biscuit!"
0:28:56 > 0:29:01"I am almost certain that was a floating voter."
0:29:04 > 0:29:08At the end of that round, the points go to Patrick, Hugh and Milton.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18And that's the end of the show.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22This week's winners are Patrick Kielty, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:29:22 > 0:29:27Commiserations to Russell Howard, Mark Watson and Andy Parsons.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32I'm Dara O'Briain, thank you for watching. Good night.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:52 > 0:29:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk