0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33OK, our next round is called - If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35On the board are six categories.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38For each category I read out an answer and the players guess
0:00:38 > 0:00:39what the question might be.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- Gina, which category would you like? - Health.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44You want to go for Health. OK, the category is Health.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45The answer is...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47What is the question?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49In an NHS hospital,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53what are your chances of having the wrong leg amputated?
0:00:55 > 0:01:00Is it England players always claim to give 110% on the pitch...
0:01:00 > 0:01:02How much do they ACTUALLY give?
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Is it how many car journeys does George Michael actually complete?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Is it, what is the proportion of my penis that is medically safe
0:01:17 > 0:01:20for a woman to accommodate?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Is it how much of what Ed just said is bullshit?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Do you know what, if only 24% of it was bullshit,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I'm still doing pretty well!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Looking at the maths behind that.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40I would love Dara to go, "Yes, that is the right answer!"
0:01:40 > 0:01:42And just a picture of Ed appears like that.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I love the notion of a woman "accommodating" your penis.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48I didn't want to be vulgar.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Does that mean that there's a wee welcome mat at the front?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I've never called it a welcome mat before, but yeah...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"Yes, we have vacancies."
0:02:00 > 0:02:02My favourite ever interruption -
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"We've got to stop this penis thing, please."
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- Number one interruption there. - Is that the answer?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15It's "please" I'm particularly fond of. "Please!"
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Actually, interestingly, it is a question about super-sizing,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20but not quite the way Ed...
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Oh, is it to do with how many people in this country are obese?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Is it how many children are obese?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28No, it's actually how many people are obese, yes.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30The question I was looking for, any guesses?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Is it what percentage of people in Great Britain are obese?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- I just... That's exactly what I said. - You said how many.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41It's technically not a percentage and I believe...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45..an ex-graduate here will support me in that.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Yes, yes, indeed.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50No, hang on, if I may. If you said what is the percentage, then the answer would simply be 24.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Yeah, thanks Ed.- How many? 24% - Listen to him...
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- I think you'll find... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58APPLAUSE
0:02:58 > 0:03:01And now...show him your cock, Ed.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I'll beat him over the head with it!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08You know, with his little movement and your cock,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10you two could take over the world, yeah.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:18"Please, please!"
0:03:19 > 0:03:23"Keep it vaguely topical! Anything about the news, please!"
0:03:24 > 0:03:26The question I was looking for is -
0:03:26 > 0:03:28according to a Department of Health survey,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31what percentage of adults in the UK are clinically obese?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Shocking, isn't it?- It is shocking.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37This is from a recent survey that claims 24% of UK adults are seriously overweight,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40making this country officially the fattest in Europe!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43CHEERING
0:03:43 > 0:03:46That wasn't the reaction the Government wanted for that particular statistic.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47It's like Caroline Flint.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51The Health Minister said this week that overweight people
0:03:51 > 0:03:53need lessons in how to eat fruit.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Which is... Just would be a great video, of just a fat man with a banana,
0:03:57 > 0:04:02"Meh, why won't you help me, Tony Blair?"
0:04:05 > 0:04:07It's just ridiculous.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Why has strike action been called, by the way?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- This is to do with the pensions. - It's to do with pensions, yes.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Apparently, one in five people alive today are going to live to 100.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18That's how bad this situation is.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22One in five people... I'm not happy about that at all,
0:04:22 > 0:04:26and you think, "I'm in my late 30s and I already fart when I cough," so I'm not...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I'm not happy about that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- I'm very grateful you've not got a tickly throat at the moment. - I haven't got a tickly...
0:04:32 > 0:04:36In other news, what has been discovered this week about man flu?
0:04:36 > 0:04:37It exists, apparently.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39It does exist. In what way does it exist?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43In the way that men get na-a-a-agh!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49That sort of way.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Never mind, never mind, she's on her period.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Yeah, you can clap,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06she's just coughed and I've still got to sit here!
0:05:10 > 0:05:14No, apparently man flu does exist, but apparently women are better
0:05:14 > 0:05:17at fighting off the viruses, because we've got stronger sex hormones.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19That's official. That's official.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22No, it's stronger immune systems, I'm not sure if that's...
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Sorry.- I don't think they're quite the same thing.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I got confused with me Grazia magazine, sorry.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30They've got so much more to do as well, women,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33there's the cooking, the cleaning and everything.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36They can't be going down with the flu. Who's going to do the dinner?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Yes, women just don't get as many colds as men do.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44It's the same effect but they don't get as many colds because their immune system is much stronger.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46The problem for men, essentially, is that when you are ill,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48no-one believes that you are.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51So there's a whole opportunity for the drugs industry,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53you need drugs that make you look iller.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Lemsip Max - INCREASES the symptoms of flu.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Women live five years longer on average than men.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Women do live five years longer AND they get to stop work
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- five years earlier as well, which is the other thing.- Not for long.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08You'll be laying in a coffin and she's like,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"He ain't really dead, no. He's just putting it on.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16"Look at him laying in there, all pasty and dead."
0:06:17 > 0:06:20"It's cos I mentioned the garden shed needed mending,
0:06:20 > 0:06:21"that's what it is."
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Was your grandfather's funeral particularly traumatic?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Yeah, we couldn't get out of the turning.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32It's funny you should say all that...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I've got vicious pins and needles.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40I genuinely have. Oh, God, I'm in genuinely real trouble.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Thank God you're not in Romania,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45there wouldn't be a doctor for miles!
0:06:46 > 0:06:47That really hurts.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Is this the sort of British sportsman we've come to expect?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- I've really hurt my leg. - You're the youngest, Russell.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Russell, you're ten, fifteen years fitter than any of us here
0:06:56 > 0:06:58and you're the one whose legs have both fallen asleep
0:06:58 > 0:07:00from sitting in a chair.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Right, Health.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I actually don't have that good a relationship with my GP.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14For one reason, and one reason only, up until the age of 17,
0:07:14 > 0:07:18my GP had me on their records as a woman.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER
0:07:20 > 0:07:23But yeah, they had me on their records as Miss N Caton.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27And then one day they sent me a letter in the post addressed to a Miss N Caton.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Now, because I'm 17, I don't really pay attention to the detail.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I open the letter and the letter says,
0:07:31 > 0:07:35"Dear Miss N Caton, your doctor's surgery would like to invite you
0:07:35 > 0:07:38"to attend a cervical screening, next Monday at nine."
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Now this is where I messed up, right.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45See, at 17, I knew what cervical was, that's obvious, right,
0:07:45 > 0:07:49but what I didn't know was that there's more than one meaning for the word "screening".
0:07:49 > 0:07:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:55 > 0:07:59I thought screening was like, you know, you're screening a film.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02So, when it said "We would like to invite you to attend
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"a cervical screening,"
0:08:04 > 0:08:08in my ignorant, naive, 17-year-old brain, I honestly thought
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I was being invited to watch a movie about women's genitalia, right.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Now I'm 17, I'm horny, I'm a virgin, am I going to go?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16You're damn right I am.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20So the next Monday morning, I go to my GP, I get to the reception,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23it's full of women, doesn't put me off, right.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Walk up to the receptionist, I go, "Hey, how are you doing?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"I'm Nathan Caton, I'm here for the cervical screening."
0:08:32 > 0:08:34She looks up, sees me standing there
0:08:34 > 0:08:36with nachos, popcorn and pick 'n' mix...
0:08:38 > 0:08:40..starts laughing in my face.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Thank you.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51What did 3,986 people in Britain have removed last year?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Oh, is this man boobs?- Yeah. - No, it's not man boobs, no.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Oh, I thought this was... - Is it fat? It was...
0:08:56 > 0:08:57It was fat. Yes, it was fat.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00That's the amount of people who chose to have liposuction -
0:09:00 > 0:09:02almost 4,000 people in the last year chose to have liposuction.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05The thing I love about liposuction, you always see them,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08you know in Bella magazine, those magazines you see in the doctor's,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11it's always that - "My horror plastic surgery story" - it's always that.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15"I went in for a tummy tuck and came out with a bum for a face."
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Like that.- Don't you think it's a bit odd, though, that men...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I mean, it surprised me that so many men did it.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- It was about 5% of these people were blokes.- Moobs, yes.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26That really surprised me, cos I would have thought a major difference between the sexes
0:09:26 > 0:09:29is that women are generally worried about how they look and men...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Even the Elephant Man probably woke up in the morning,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34looked in the mirror and went, "Yeah, looking good."
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I mean, it doesn't happen, you know, you go...
0:09:37 > 0:09:42No. In fairness he went, "Yeah. Looking good. Killer!"
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"I'm no looker, but I'm funny."
0:09:48 > 0:09:54Having your man boobs done is a very sort of decadent kind of stage to get to though, isn't it?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57That's why when I had mine done,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I donated them to an African transsexual.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Very kind of you.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05The man boobs statistic, just to tell you, there are 90,000 instances
0:10:05 > 0:10:08of cosmetic plastic surgery that go on during the year.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11There are 177 moobs, right.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14These statistics, though, they all come, don't they,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17from the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Now, given their major thing is to do with breast surgery,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23isn't it brilliant that the abbreviation for them is BAPS?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26That is fantastic, isn't it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28The one I really wouldn't have is Botox.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I can't see the point of that.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33And it also scares me, because if you get paralysed, your face gets paralysed
0:10:33 > 0:10:35and if it gets paralysed at the wrong moment, if you go,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38"So I'm not meant to smile?" What happens? What do you do?
0:10:38 > 0:10:42If, for example, the wind should change?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44The statistics up for this week were that
0:10:44 > 0:10:47all types of cosmetic surgery went up except for one.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52It is difficult to do the show while your face is stuck like that.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- Is there any chance you could now stop miming Botox?- Yeah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04The only type of cosmetic procedure that's become less popular
0:11:04 > 0:11:06are having your ears corrected.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Apparently getting this, the things pinned back,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11suddenly no-one wants to do that any more.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- I've had that. - Have you had that done?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Yes. I was born with what they call "bat ears."
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- Nice of them, and I had them done. - That's superpowers, isn't it?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23And the reason that my ear lobes are so incredibly weird
0:11:23 > 0:11:26was that the stitches fell out and the surgeon said,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"Oh, you know, I'll have you back in and I'll redo that."
0:11:29 > 0:11:30And he then died.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34But you got the last laugh then.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Do you navigate your way around by radar?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Thanks for helping with the pain, Hugh(!)
0:11:42 > 0:11:43You have to be careful, Hugh.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Hugh has to be careful because this week I discovered..
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I don't know if you know what slash fiction is,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52but it's basically gay fiction on the internet where they have
0:11:52 > 0:11:56people like, you know, Captain Kirk and Spock shagging each other.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58And there's one of me and Hugh.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I don't know why you're doing that, Hugh, because you're the receiver.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I'm just trying to make it easier for you.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10And the most offensive part of it is
0:12:10 > 0:12:12when they describe my pubes as being ginger.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16We spin the wheel and when it stops anyone can step forward
0:12:16 > 0:12:19and try to make us laugh about the subject it's landed on.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23The winner is the team I judge to have been able to walk like a human being.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25And not skip or canter, or...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- Here we go.- Just put your foot out. - Oh, cheers.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Stretch it, come on, stretch it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- What are you doing with me? - That should do it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Yeah. If I ever get famous, this photo's going to get taken
0:12:35 > 0:12:37and there's going to be a caption near it.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41"Man gets bummed by ghost while two people help."
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Why has this man been causing controversy this week?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Well, he had a baby, that man.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You can see quite clearly that he's slightly pregnant.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54He became more pregnant and then, ultimately, he had a baby,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57and normally when you say, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
0:12:57 > 0:12:59it refers to the baby and not the mother.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Yes, this is the story of Thomas Beatie, known as The Pregnant Man.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05He gave birth to a girl last week in Oregon.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Thomas was born Tracy and underwent a gender reassignment operation
0:13:08 > 0:13:09and is now legally male.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"Good news, you've had a healthy baby.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14"Bad news, you've blown your cock off."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- That's actually... - That's actually good news.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23That's the main reason why Frankie will never be a doctor.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26You've got to work on that bedside manner, that really has to...
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Doctors rarely come in and go, "Good news, bad news."
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It's going to be really tricky to raise the kid, I think,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36cos it'll be like, "I want chocolate ice cream and strawberry ice cream."
0:13:36 > 0:13:39"Well, you can't have both." "Really, Mummy?"
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- But gender reassignment, is that right?- That's what it's called.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46It sounds like witness relocation for your genitals, doesn't it?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49It would be a very severe form of witness relocation.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52It sounds like you're being reassigned, it doesn't sound like you've made a choice.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56It comes through the post and you go, "Oh, dear - I thought it was a BT bill,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"I'm going to be a woman from next Tuesday."
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Apparently, there's been a mix-up in the National Audit Office and...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I've been reassigned a gender!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06"Sorry about that, darling."
0:14:06 > 0:14:10I'll bet you any money anyone who went up to him didn't chat about the bump.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12You'd find any other topic, you'd get so embarrassed.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16"So, do you like...Twixes?" Like that.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I saw a woman breast-feeding on the Tube...
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- It's awkward, isn't it, what d'you do?- It was beyond awkward, cos she...
0:14:22 > 0:14:23How was it awkward?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I'll explain to you, Dara, if you'd let me finish.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:30 > 0:14:33And I think... And I think I can prove to you
0:14:33 > 0:14:36with this next sentence why it was awkward, all right?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Were you wearing a monocle? - She was breast-feeding the child with her breast.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- The child was suckling. - A very good way of doing it, yes.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43On the Tube. That is not awkward.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48What was awkward, Dara, is that she also had her other breast out.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Now, I don't know, but I feel that you breast one at a time.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56You don't leave the other one just hanging out.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Maybe she had twins and she didn't realise she'd lost one of them.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05You mean one of the twins may still be on the Jubilee line
0:15:05 > 0:15:09and she'd changed at Green Park and then she went, "Oh, hello."
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Come on, one for the baby, one for the carriage, ladies.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14It's what I've been trying to persuade them to do for years.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I guess cos you breast-feed and then if you have to change breasts,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I think you put the breast back in.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23But to leave the breast hanging and just to be sitting there. I mean, at least she had a child.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27I mean, she could have just been sitting there with her tits hanging out.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31And the topic is Health.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34My sister's got hay fever.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Now she's got diabetes, so I tried to cheer her up, you know,
0:15:39 > 0:15:40flowers, chocolates.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51About a month before he died, my grandfather...
0:15:51 > 0:15:52We covered his back with lard.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56After that he went downhill very quickly.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I recently had bird flu, but it's all relative, isn't it?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08You know, if I had rabies and you offered me bird flu,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I'd bite your hand off.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Last summer I set up a clinic for colonic irrigation.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23But the hosepipe ban hit us hard, actually.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Why has health and safety been in the news this week?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Cos Cameron says he's going to get rid of it.- Yes.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- Which came a little bit too late for BP.- Yeah.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39It's a stupid thing to do, to try and get rid of health and safety,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42because, essentially, we have evolved ourselves
0:16:42 > 0:16:45out of a position where we have any natural predators.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48The only natural predators humans have are ourselves and peanuts.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53And we're doing the best, because we're... Because we're stupid.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Health and safety is getting in the way of evolution.
0:16:56 > 0:16:5910,000 people last year in this country were admitted to A&E
0:16:59 > 0:17:03having injured themselves putting their trousers on, right.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06They're not firing themselves out of cannons into their trousers,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10they caught themselves in the zip, which is hideous, yes,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12but at least they can't breed any more.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17That is evolution and health and safety will stop that.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Imagine making that phone call, though.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22"Ooh, I caught my dick in my trousers.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25"And I want to sue."
0:17:25 > 0:17:27"My trousers!"
0:17:27 > 0:17:30My old teacher's mate was testing some reinforced concrete, cage...
0:17:30 > 0:17:34You know, reinforced concrete is cages with concrete covering it,
0:17:34 > 0:17:35and they show you the cage out the back.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37And he jumped off backwards, being a bit of a lad,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41and split up the front of himself and didn't notice
0:17:41 > 0:17:45until a couple of seconds later when his bollocks fell out of his jeans.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:47 > 0:17:50He drove himself to hospital, right,
0:17:50 > 0:17:54holding his balls...in one hand
0:17:54 > 0:17:58and putting them on his lap to change gear!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- He got to the A&E...- Oh, God!
0:18:01 > 0:18:04And the woman said, "How can I help you?" And he went...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I bet there was somebody sat in A&E just eating a Scotch egg, like that.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I bet there was somebody in the A&E with a slightly hurt elbow going,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"I'm going to be longer than I thought now.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27"I've been moved down by Mr 'Here are my balls.' "
0:18:27 > 0:18:30There was an incredible story about... Well, it's not incredible,
0:18:30 > 0:18:31but about health and safety,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34that trainee hairdressers aren't allowed scissors.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Which is pretty... Imagine that.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38What are they going to do, just use their teeth?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Or sandpaper.- "This is Sandra, she's going to chew your perm out."
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Who is... Who's going to step in and save the health service, then?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- Richard Branson.- Yes, that's it.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51With Virgin surgeries.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53He's moving into health on the basis that if you run a coach
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- and a train company, you're going to understand waiting lists.- Yes.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00How can you trust anything that Richard Branson does?
0:19:00 > 0:19:04What sort of arsehole tries to fly around the world in a balloon,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06when he owns a bloody airline?!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:10 > 0:19:12But also it's going to be exactly like Virgin Trains.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16They'll go, "Oh, you can't see the doctor, but we do have a replacement coach driver
0:19:16 > 0:19:19"if you'd like to speak to him."
0:19:19 > 0:19:22He's got, now... He's got a thing now where people can pay
0:19:22 > 0:19:24a million dollars to travel into space with him.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28I'd pay three grand just not to be stuck in a lift with the arse.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I don't think it's with him, it's with his company. I don't think...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- No, he's going up as well. - On every flight?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Apparently, Stephen Hawking has agreed to be on it,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40or maybe Branson just turned his volume down.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43"You want to go, don't you?" "Oh, yes."
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Branson treated Stephen Hawking like a ventriloquist's doll, did he?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50"Oh, I want to go on a plane, I want to go on a plane.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"Don't put me back in the box. Don't put me back in the box!"
0:19:53 > 0:19:57It's amazing, isn't it, what they can do with medicine these days.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59It's like that woman last week who gave birth to a...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01She was 67 years old.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06And you're thinking, you don't really want to be a kid there struggling to walk,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09finding out that your parents are in exactly the same condition.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14It's not going to be a struggle pushing it out at 67 though, is it?
0:20:14 > 0:20:15That baby's...
0:20:16 > 0:20:20That baby's going to have spent the last three months bungee jumping.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30I've got cramp, man, it's just... Sorry, it's really...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32You've managed to get a sports injury
0:20:32 > 0:20:33in the first 20 minutes of the show?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Sorry.- Morris dance it off, Russell. - I can't, mate.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- You've got to lie down, I'll do the...- Leave me alone!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Get down, get down!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I hope somebody's videoing this for a gay website.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:52 > 0:20:56It's really telling that the two guests on the show ran to help,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59while the regulars all sat here, on our fat holes, going,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- "Ah, he'll bounce back." - I'm sorry about that.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05The next topic is Health.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Phew, that was a long walk.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12OK, Health.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18Money. Money-wise I'm set for life provided I die next Tuesday.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Just because I have arthritis, doesn't mean I can't live a normal...
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Oh.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, but you know what they say.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52HE MOUTHS
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Unfortunately for agoraphobics, the cure is just around the corner.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02My manic-depressive buddy was attacked by a bipolar bear.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10We'll see about that.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15My neighbour's in the Guinness Book of Records,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18he's had 43 concussions. He lives very close,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20in fact, just a stone's throw away, but the point is...
0:22:22 > 0:22:23To your health, my friends.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Who here has a personal trainer?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- I haven't! - Why are you looking at me? Why?
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- Do you have a personal trainer? - I have, in the past, employed the services of people to...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- And did it work?- Yes, it worked very well, actually, to be honest.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I am the very model of physical fitness.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45It is astonishing.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I often do an act on stage where I just go,
0:22:47 > 0:22:48# Dun, dun dun, dun dun... #
0:22:48 > 0:22:51And I just move my breasts and my back around.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I seem to remember you once telling me
0:22:53 > 0:22:58that you have an exercise bike and a ski walker in your kitchen,
0:22:58 > 0:23:02and that once you've used the exercise bike for more than 25 minutes,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05your balls go numb and you have to crack one off...
0:23:08 > 0:23:09..to restore feeling.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13I was... I was also privy to that conversation.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Can I...? Can I qualify this, right?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18You actually said... He actually said "tug".
0:23:18 > 0:23:21The seat is very large for a bicycle, right.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22It's a big, heavy seat.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26And 15 to 20 minutes in, it cuts off blood flow to the genitals,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28and I have to fluff...just a bit,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32just to get things kind of just circulating.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33I don't actually finish off.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Can I just ask you -
0:23:35 > 0:23:37what is the personal trainer doing while you're up to this?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I think I'd watch more sport if this was involved. The triathlon, yeah!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I think we owe it to ourselves to turn that into a fitness video,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48where Dara's working out for 20 minutes
0:23:48 > 0:23:51and he just looks at the screen and goes, "Back in five," and then...
0:23:51 > 0:23:53When you've finished, like, 30 minutes of cardio, go,
0:23:53 > 0:23:57"Hey, you're looking good out there, why don't you reward yourself? Go on."
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Every 30 minutes in your video it just breaks into porn.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05OK, the next topic is...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Unlikely Things To Hear In A Maternity Ward.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Mr Parsons, your baby looks exactly like you.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17But mind you, so does every other baby.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25There are complications, I'm afraid. For a start, I'm not a doctor.
0:24:28 > 0:24:35I definitely can see the head. You should do your flies up, doctor.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Bad news, I'm afraid. He's ginger.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Your Highness. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:55So, would you like to hold the little fella?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Or shall I give you the baby?
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Mrs Jones, I'm going to need you to push, and then when we've got
0:25:07 > 0:25:11the ambulance started, we'll try and get you to hospital.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Oh, God, is that my baby? I've given birth to Andy Parsons.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26I'd stay up that end and talk to your wife if I were you, Mr Smith,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29it looks like Alien Versus Predator down here.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35And this is the ward for unwanted twins.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37We call it the Jed-Ward.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Basically you just turn them over and slap them on the arse.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48These nurses' parties are great.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Nice to see you again, Mrs Jolie,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58if you'd like to just move along to the next window to collect your order.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Oh, this isn't your first baby, is it?!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:15You have a bouncing baby boy.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I know that because I dropped him in the delivery room.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26OK, big breath, big breath in, hold it, hold it,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28and pass the joint to the midwife.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34If you're not in when we deliver your baby,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37is it OK if we leave it with a neighbour?
0:26:41 > 0:26:46No, no, I do like it, darling, just not in that colour.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55I know, I know you're in great pain, but we need to know your name.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Right. Doctor for Mrs Fuck-Off.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03The next topic is
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Unnerving Things To Hear During A Medical Examination.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Yes, I'll be operating.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Oh, there you are.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18SHOUTS: Oh, my God! Come here, you've got to look at this!
0:27:21 > 0:27:25That's your smear test done, and I do have some bad news,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I'm the janitor.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Yes, well, it's definitely stuck up there.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38We may... We may have to use the ferret.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47So if you'd like to just pop your clothes over there, next to mine.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57You'll live...for about a week.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Well, there's good news and bad news, but don't worry,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I can give the good news to your widow.
0:28:09 > 0:28:15Don't worry, panic over, it was just a spider on the microscope.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20And how does it feel if I touch you here?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22And here?
0:28:22 > 0:28:24And there?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30These drugs don't actually work, but every time I prescribe them
0:28:30 > 0:28:32I get a free pen!
0:28:36 > 0:28:40No, no, no, no. You can't have your old hip back, Mrs Smith.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41I fed it to my dog.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46This is one of the healthiest X-rays I've ever seen.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49But if we compare that with yours, huh!
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Right, I thought for a change...
0:28:58 > 0:29:02- I- could cough and you could hold- MY- balls.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07You have the body of someone half your age...
0:29:07 > 0:29:09growing inside your womb.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12LAUGHTER
0:29:21 > 0:29:24Well, there's good news, you've had a baby,
0:29:24 > 0:29:26and the bad news, it's blown your cock off.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd