0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:14# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world, News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:28 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35OK. Our first round is called Headliners.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Here is a picture of clean-up operations after the bird flu
0:00:37 > 0:00:41outbreak at Bernard Matthews' farm in Suffolk.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44But what does BTAD stand for?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Is it Bugger, There's a Dead One?
0:00:46 > 0:00:47LAUGHTER
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Is it Bio Terrorists Annual Disco?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Is it BBC terminate Ant and Dec?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Is it Bath Time Arse Disaster?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02LAUGHTER
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- Yes, the...- Again, a long video. - Yes, I have to say,
0:01:05 > 0:01:06the answer I was looking for was
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Bath Time Arse Disaster.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12- I got that paper. - Yeah, it was good? Actually... - It's a good paper.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14But they just went at a different angle with the whole thing.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- It's probably, well it's Turkeys Are Destroyed, I would reckon.- Yes.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22But what the B - Bilious, Billions, British.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Brit-ish, very good. Well done, Hugh.- British Turkeys.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28By a process of going through every word beginning with B,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Hugh has correctly identified the answer. Let us applaud him!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37The answer I was looking for was - British Turkeys Are Destroyed
0:01:37 > 0:01:42and refers to the arrival of the deadly H5N1 strain of avian flu in this country.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47Exclusion zones have been set up and a cull of 159,000 birds carried out.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Is it enough, I wonder, ladies and gentlemen?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52The BBC sent us a note not to scaremonger in any way.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54It's out there! It's out there, for God's sake!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Buy canned goods and shotgun cartridges!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00What the hell are you doing watching this, for Christ's sake? Squark squark! Boom!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04That's what you should be doing right now. Sorry, has that set the wrong tone?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- We don't need to panic, let's face it.- We don't need to panic.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Apparently, if you eat turkey, you should be absolutely fine.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16The only way you can catch it is if you dry out the carcass and sniff it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- That's essentially it, yes.- If you're into that sort of weird shit,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24you deserve exactly what's coming to you.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27For years now we've been told you've got to have, you know, free-range chicken.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31It's going to completely change that. You don't want a chicken that's free-range,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34you want a chicken that has been locked up for a long...you know,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37this isn't an ordinary chicken, this is a chicken which has been
0:02:37 > 0:02:41raised friendless in solitary confinement.
0:02:41 > 0:02:46If this happens, and is brought into the health care system in general, do you think Britain's health care
0:02:46 > 0:02:50- system will be able to cope with, you know, a mass outbreak of...? - Almost certainly not.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52You're supposed to have a flu buddy.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55You've got to pair up with somebody and they'll deliver the injection to you.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Exactly, but if it was my mates, they'd just pop a bit of Viagra in it.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Here you are, you're going to die, have some doughnuts, have some fun.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Fling it on yourself, see how many you can count.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Doughnuts, with Viagra, what the hell are you doing, Howard?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I'm there, I'm nearly dying and I'm flinging them gently on me.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- They're ring doughnuts, not jam doughnuts.- I'm not a beast! - Yeah, but where's he putting them?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Like this, doing it like that. - Oh, God - it's Howard's Hoopla!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Why?!- Because I'm nearly dead, Frankie! Could I not have some fun?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Find a woman, leave the pastries alone!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:28 > 0:03:33I'm going to have to walk past a Greggs now - how horrific will that be? People..."there he is, animal."
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Looking at me like that.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I'll just have to wander in - "Gingerbread man, please."
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Just turn him around. Lovely.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41It could be worse, Russell.
0:03:41 > 0:03:47Would it help you if half of the performers weren't eating bananas?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Hey, hey, we're the Monkees.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56Yeah, yeah, so seriously, you'd like the bananas to pause just for a second, yeah. OK.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- Special banana. - Jarred, you'll get a banana.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Or we'll get you some grapes.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Is it a greengrocers are we turning into here?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09What have G8 leaders been debating in Japan this week?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12They've been debating biofuels, for one thing.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Yes.- They've basically decided part of the food crisis is to do with
0:04:15 > 0:04:18bio fuels. Bio fuels is not the greatest idea, is it?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Trying to make petrol out of things like maize,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24given that a third of the world is malnourished, you know.
0:04:24 > 0:04:31People watching a car going past - "Oh, crikey, there goes my sodding lunch!"
0:04:31 > 0:04:34It's a bit much these rich countries going on about food shortages, isn't it?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38I mean, we're going to be fine. How, how bad are things going to have to get before we can't
0:04:38 > 0:04:41afford to shop at Lidl?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I once did my entire weekly shop at Lidl in exchange for an amulet
0:04:44 > 0:04:47made from cats' teeth.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Gordon Brown is there telling us we shouldn't waste food.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Surely he needs to talk to John Prescott, a man,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59who from his own diaries, we know wastes an awful lot of food.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Yeah, there's a difference between being a bulimic
0:05:02 > 0:05:05and just liking to eat so much that you puke.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10I think it's a good point you're making, if they say that we waste £400 a year on food,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14it's not just the food that you throw away, there's food that
0:05:14 > 0:05:19you have on your face, and also asparagus, how low do you go?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Some people just tip, whereas there's a lot of asparagus that you can still enjoy.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Obviously you don't eat the whole asparagus, I'm not a monster,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30but you do, you can, there's at least an inch more.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33My wife leaves a huge amount of asparagus, I think, well...the food wastage!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I think you should say that to the starving nations of the world.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Tell them they're being too picky about how much asparagus they eat.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- But with asparagus...- That was the most middle class limbo ever. "Asparagus, how low do you go?"
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- And this issue... - This is what it's all about, right,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49because it's Gordon Brown saying we're wasting food.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51It's not like it's the biggest waste of money we have.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54We spend millions and billions of pounds building weapons to
0:05:54 > 0:05:58kill shepherds, and you've got someone who's spent £7 billion
0:05:58 > 0:06:01on two aircraft carriers this week, standing in front of us going,
0:06:01 > 0:06:07"Maybe you should keep your potato peelings and make some kind of flan."
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I'm slightly confused, though, because we're throwing away millions
0:06:10 > 0:06:15of tons of food, and yet, 25% of the nation is obese,
0:06:15 > 0:06:20which implies that late at night, fat people are eating from bins.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Now that's, now let's be honest...
0:06:22 > 0:06:23APPLAUSE
0:06:25 > 0:06:28The subject is Food. Who wants to talk about that? Milton.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I went for an Italian recently. Well, he was annoying me.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Incredible to think, isn't it,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44that every single Scotsman started off
0:06:44 > 0:06:46as a Scotch egg.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Cold and gingery.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I was grilling some tomatoes the other day, saying,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"Who are you, where do you come from?"
0:07:03 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I almost got into the SAS.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I failed on one question, they said, right, imagine the scenario,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13terrorists have taken hostages, they're holding them
0:07:13 > 0:07:16in an embassy, what are your preferred tactics?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17I said, I like the orange ones.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I was in the park the other day,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28watching an old man feed the birds and after a
0:07:28 > 0:07:31while I thought to myself, I wonder how long he's been dead.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:35 > 0:07:39When the boys in the playground found out that I had a potentially
0:07:39 > 0:07:43fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to shove me up against a wall
0:07:43 > 0:07:46and make me play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Can I ask a serious economic question?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54What have we been buying that has helped us out of this?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Pies.- Pies, yes, pies, yes.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- We've been eating comfort food, buying comfort food, haven't we? - Yeah.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Buying loads and loads of pies. Pie buying is at a 30-year high.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05It's 16% higher than it was, yes.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07A nightmare for nutritionists.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11All those healthy eating arguments gone out of the window. Are you eating your five a day?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Yeah, I had steak and kidney, a steak...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I think it, I think it must only be in south,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18cos you know, if we ate more pies in the north than
0:08:18 > 0:08:21we do already, they'd have to invent like a breakfast pie.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25We've also, we've also gone a little bit cosmopolitan as well.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I was at my mum and dad's, cos I've been gigging in Liverpool. I come downstairs
0:08:29 > 0:08:31for breakfast and instead of having a normal breakfast, my dad was
0:08:31 > 0:08:35sat there with a croissant, because my mum's gone all continental.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37And he's sat there with this croissant,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I just looked at him, he looked at me, he went, "Yeah, I know."
0:08:39 > 0:08:44I said, er...I said, "What's your croissant like, Dad?"
0:08:44 > 0:08:46He said, "It's shit."
0:08:46 > 0:08:48He said, "Croissants are just empty pasties."
0:08:48 > 0:08:49APPLAUSE
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Actually the other thing, pies have gone up, and lipstick, bizarrely.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- Yeah, yeah.- God bless.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02And a weird double whammy - people are getting themselves fat, but slightly more attractive.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06The economy is being propped up by obese alcoholic chain-smokers.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08We'll have to change smoking cigarettes, you know,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11smoking causes cancer, but it also stimulates economic growth.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14There'll be blokes going, "See that school? I paid for that."
0:09:14 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER
0:09:17 > 0:09:21They will. "I did it all, I was doing my bit.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"I was doing my bit."
0:09:24 > 0:09:28I imagine the school he paid for doesn't have very good facilities for sport and whatnot.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"Just helping, Dara!"
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- But that's what it needs. - "They were going to spend the money on a gym. I said, 'Don't bother'!"
0:09:35 > 0:09:38But the government have been getting at fat people for years, and
0:09:38 > 0:09:41they've got us out of this recession AND they are our only chance
0:09:41 > 0:09:45if the Chinese do ever decide to jump up and down at the same time.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Right.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:50As soon as we see that tidal wave coming - up you go, fat kids!
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Boom - we send one back, it all cancels out round Chicago, genius.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55APPLAUSE
0:09:57 > 0:10:02So...not one letter back from the Ministry of Defence.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05There was a reference in the paper about two weeks ago
0:10:05 > 0:10:07about why we've got so many obese children
0:10:07 > 0:10:10and why is it related to what we're doing in the recession and so on.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13And it came to the conclusion, we've got so many obese children
0:10:13 > 0:10:15because parents love their kids too much,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17and because they love their kids too much,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20they give them fast food, because that's what they like.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22And then because we love our kids too much,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25we won't let them walk to school in case somebody snatches them.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28And I've got to be honest with you, I've not spoken to many paedos,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30but I don't think they're into fat kids, you know.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:37 > 0:10:40I know it's controversial, but I think let them go to school,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43every now and again, if they get chased they might shed a few pounds.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Where has Jesus turned up recently?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51In everyone, Dara.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55APPLAUSE
0:10:56 > 0:10:59He's actually, he's turned up on Myspace, hasn't he?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01He HAS turned up on Myspace, yes.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04He's taken, he's got his own, he's got his own little page
0:11:04 > 0:11:07on Myspace now, and it's something along the lines of, you know,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10you've got to try and spot where you might be able to see Jesus,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12isn't there, and there's this big picture of like a pint glass,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14with his face on it and you're supposed to be...
0:11:14 > 0:11:17as if the only time you would see Jesus was after
0:11:17 > 0:11:20you'd finished a certain amount of alcohol.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23This is the picture. See if you can spot the face of friendly Jesus.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- What I like about it... have you all seen it? Can you see it?- Yes.- Yeah.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I like the way he looks like a Scooby Doo character looking out from behind a tree.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38"Ooh, peekaboo! Peekaboo! Who's that there?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- He's quite an angry Jesus.- He is angry, he's angry, Jesus, isn't he?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45His moustache is down-turning now.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49It must be a pint of Stella, he's appearing in. "Grrr!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51"If I had a wife, I'd beat her right now."
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Do you remember that thing in the World Cup
0:11:53 > 0:11:55when Wayne Rooney turned up in a potato?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59And you think, well surely he turns up in most of them.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04What I love about that is the fact that there is a good mouthful
0:12:04 > 0:12:07left at the end of that pint. That pint's not finished, right.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11So you've got a touch of, "There's Jesus, there goes Jesus!"
0:12:13 > 0:12:17So, the police have been... Stop it now.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21We are genuinely filming this shit, could you stop throwing stuff?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25I know it seems, you know, I know this bit isn't all about you,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28but don't break open the sweets just yet, all right?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31OK.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34The police were having problems with their e-fit technology.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38It was really, it was, um...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43We play in a piece of footage, featuring people in the news
0:12:43 > 0:12:46and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "Oh, someone should tell you, you've got a turkey on your head.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"Let go, let go, that's enough!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"I'm the Prince of Wales, thank you."
0:12:57 > 0:13:02"Good morning, I'm looking for... where's my list? Um...
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"CHEESE, that's right! Do you, do you...
0:13:04 > 0:13:08"she's told me to buy some cheese. Do you have cheese? Any cheese?"
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"Yes, we have cheese, sir, we have lots of cheese.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13"What kind of cheese was it you were after at all?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14"Do you know?"
0:13:14 > 0:13:18(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "I think I'm just looking for cheese.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22"Is that, is that cheese? I've never actually bought anything.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27"Good morning, do you, do you have cheese? I'm looking for cheese.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31"Apparently it's cheese I'm after. Is that cheese?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"Those things, is that cheese at all?"
0:13:33 > 0:13:39"No, that's an oyster, sir, your Royal Idiotness. That's an oyster."
0:13:39 > 0:13:42(IMITATE PRINCE CHARLES) "Does it, does it taste of cheese?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45"Oh God, Judith Chalmers, I thought you were dead!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49"Wish you were here! Ah, wish I was King!
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"Oh, I wish I had cheese. Oh, no, do you have cheese,
0:13:52 > 0:13:56"you shiny-faced man who's escaped from a cuckoo clock. Do you?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"Is that, is that cheese?"
0:13:58 > 0:14:01"No, this is ham, sir. That is ham there, that is."
0:14:01 > 0:14:04(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "Does it, is it like cheese at all?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06"It's cheese I'm after you see."
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"No, that is ham you see.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11"That is a pig that's been shot, you see, that's how that works."
0:14:11 > 0:14:14(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "Shot?" Oh, yes, probably by my father, yes.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16"Mistook it for an immigrant, yes."
0:14:16 > 0:14:19"You can taste some of this ham if you like, come over here, try that."
0:14:19 > 0:14:23(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "Will I like it?" "It has magical properties. You eat that,
0:14:23 > 0:14:27"you go to a different part of the space time continuum, that's what happens there, yeah."
0:14:27 > 0:14:30(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "Fuck me!"
0:14:30 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:34 > 0:14:37"Where's the cheese? Where's the cheese?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Well done, Hugh.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44In other news, what's going on here?
0:14:44 > 0:14:48They've found a piece of toast with Osama Bin Laden on.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50They would have found it ten years ago,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52but it was hiding in the toaster.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57It definitely, it definitely IS him,
0:14:57 > 0:15:01because when someone tried to eat it, he used a Pop Tart as a shield.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03It is surely the photograph they've always wanted,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- it's proof that Osama Bin Laden IS toast.- Yep.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Oh yeah.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12That is, of course, Osama in his heyday.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Now, of course, you know, if you pull out the crumb tray
0:15:15 > 0:15:20and pour it into the sink, that is more what he looks like.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23APPLAUSE
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Jesus must be well pissed off with this.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Because even a few weeks ago, that would have been Jesus.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- It's all topical.- "It's me lads, I'm back again, I'm on toast this time.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Toast is unbelievably fickle.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Toast chases trends like no other heated bread.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Who gobbled up Cadbury during the week?- Kraft, yeah.- Yes, indeed.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Kraft, whose only contribution to human progress so far
0:15:49 > 0:15:53has been the invention of cheese that can also be used as a bookmark.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55The guy who invented Kraft,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58his name is like John Kraft or something, his original job
0:15:58 > 0:16:01when the company built itself up, he was a door-to-door cheese salesman.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- Well, actually...- That's something from another era, would you trust,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07"Ding dong, would you like some cheese?" No!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10From a man walking door-to-door, right?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I can beat that, my mate, when he was younger,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15he used to be a door-to-door karate salesman.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Can he do karate? No, he can't.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20That question there could have been answered so many...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22you could have asked that question any week.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Who gobbled up Cadbury's this week?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Obviously, this week it's Kraft,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29most weeks it would be sad, lonely women at that sort of...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- Hey! Hey! Hey! - I'll tell you what, though...
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- I'm not lonely! - And also, there is something...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I'm genuinely worried about Dairy Milk, though,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42because it, I don't know where I'm... it's my one source of milk.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48If it wasn't for Dairy Milk your bones would be nothing, you know.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50On the news they kept saying, they just kept saying that
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Cadbury's had been taken over by an American food giant.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I was thinking, "You'll have to be more specific,
0:16:56 > 0:17:01"because about half the population of America could technically be described as American food giants."
0:17:01 > 0:17:03You could say that about the Jolly Green Giant, he's one of yours?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- He's British, you could say that he could defend... - He's British? He's fictional!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Well, it's fictional British.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Also he's green, what would make you think he wasn't one of yours?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20What would be great, if when Cadbury's shuts down,
0:17:20 > 0:17:24if just a load of Oompah Loompahs come out of the gate, like that.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27My sister bought me a box of forty-eight bars,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30the standard size bars of Dairy Milk for Christmas
0:17:30 > 0:17:33and I think she thought it would be one a day and last for ages,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35and I just opened it with a kitchen knife.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I did think about putting them all out on the bed
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and like writhing around naked like in Indecent Proposal.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Don't do that, never, never mix sex and chocolate.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- They're hard. Really? - Women tend to look like Morph.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51In the week that Osama Bin Laden released...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Argh! For fuck's sake!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59More of that later, Mock The Week.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I foiled him by throwing a banana at him!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Who throws... who throws a BANANA at somebody?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13And the topic is Food. Away you go.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Now this is one of my favourite topics,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17because I absolutely HATE restaurants.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20And my wife LOVES restaurants.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23She's middle class, she's been skiing and everything.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25And she loves the restaurant!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29She says, "Can we go to a restaurant at the weekend?"
0:18:29 > 0:18:31And I say, "Yes, we can."
0:18:31 > 0:18:33And we're there, we're barely there two minutes and she's like,
0:18:33 > 0:18:37"Isn't it a lovely ambience?"
0:18:37 > 0:18:40And I say, "I don't know what you're talking about, I really don't."
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I've worked out what an ambience is,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46it's a night out without poor people, innit, basically.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48It's people with a few quid just saying,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"Can we just have one night out without the poor people turning up?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54"You know what they're like, they'll be banging spoons,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57"singing 'My Old Man's a Dustman', creating an atmosphere.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00"We want an ambience!"
0:19:00 > 0:19:03So we try and enjoy the ambience.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05But something's happened spoiling it for me,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08there's no tomato sauce on the table.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Creating a situation with my wife, and she said,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13"You're going to ask for tomato sauce, aren't you?"
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I said, "Yes, I am,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18"because I'm going to have the risotto."
0:19:19 > 0:19:22You can't eat risotto without red sauce, it's too dry.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24It's a health and safety issue,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26You've got to jooj it up with a bit of red sauce, right?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Else I'm not having it.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I said to the waitress, "Excuse me,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32"do you have any ketchup in the building?"
0:19:32 > 0:19:36She looked at me like I'm the worst pleb God has ever put breath into.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38She went off to the kitchen and I saw her making her way back
0:19:38 > 0:19:42with a pot about that big, about two chip-fuls of tomato sauce in it.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I thought, "Oh, here we go!" She's tried to put it down
0:19:44 > 0:19:47and walk away like she's doing a drug deal or something,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51and I stopped her, I said, "Hold on love, love, don't rush off!"
0:19:51 > 0:19:55And I took a sip of it.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58And I looked at her, I said, "Yes, I'll have a bottle, please.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02APPLAUSE
0:20:02 > 0:20:05The answer is... "Middlesbrough, Rhyl and Liverpool."
0:20:05 > 0:20:06- What is the question?- Um...
0:20:06 > 0:20:10In which three towns are you considered a lesbian
0:20:10 > 0:20:15if you're over fourteen and haven't got six kids?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20Where are the three largest Lidls in the country?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Is it, my car's been stolen and cut into three pieces.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Where is it?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29What three places did the British Health Board
0:20:29 > 0:20:33name as the Axis of Chips?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Is it, what are the first three chapters of the book
0:20:37 > 0:20:42'Places Not to Grow Up Gay?'
0:20:42 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER
0:20:44 > 0:20:48What a Christmas present that would be! "There you are, son."
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"What are you trying to say here, Dad? What are you trying to say?"
0:20:51 > 0:20:54It's to do with, it's to do with life expectancy though, isn't it?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- It is to do with life expectancy, yes.- Is it three of the lowest,
0:20:57 > 0:21:01- in the bottom ten for life expectancy.- That's absolutely right.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03APPLAUSE
0:21:03 > 0:21:06This is the story, every so often this same story comes up that
0:21:06 > 0:21:09up north apparently that all they eat is pies, it's just horrific.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12But then you think about it, if all they do is eat pies
0:21:12 > 0:21:15and that, we should genetically modify pies and give them legs.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17And that way, we could have the pies dance and go,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19"Oi fatty, you want to eat me, don't you?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21"Well, you've got to catch me first.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24And all the fruit and veg and healthy food just left there
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- and the pie's legging it. - Genetically modify a pie?
0:21:28 > 0:21:29By the way, Dara, Dara...
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Pies don't, they're not like born of a large mother pie,
0:21:33 > 0:21:37that pops them out from a pie womb and then they're, you know,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39they're not individual living creatures.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- But what I'm saying, we can make it happen.- But Dara's right,
0:21:42 > 0:21:47there are definitely holes in your "get pies to grow legs" theory.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50There are... But what we have to do is not kill the cow,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53cover it in pastry, it can run on its own.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Just avoid, avoid the killing.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58APPLAUSE
0:21:58 > 0:22:01It would be quite a large pie.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Think of the horror if a pie with human hands turned bad.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Can you imagine being throttled to death by a pie?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10In fairness...
0:22:10 > 0:22:14How ironic a death that would be, to be killed literally by a pie?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17"You knew I would get you eventually",
0:22:17 > 0:22:20says the pie who also has a mouth.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Would you give legs to a fish pie,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25or would that be just too against nature?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Would it have to, would it have to be fins to a fish pie?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I come up with the idea, then I just kick back and play golf,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33nuts on the road. What I do... I rock up,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I say, I just walk into a factory and declare, right,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"I want legs on pies!"
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- And then I walk out.- But how?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43You go, "Don't give me how! I'm not the how guy!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45"I pay YOU to be the how guy!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47"I just get the ideas, you fill in the details."
0:22:47 > 0:22:50THWACK! And then go.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I can't believe that Glasgow hasn't appeared on this table.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Because we're doing everything right.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57This table is for England and Wales.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59You have your own... much like football,
0:22:59 > 0:23:04you have your own league, of a much lower, of a much lower level anyway.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07We're basically in a health dungeon.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10You would screw with the figures so much...
0:23:10 > 0:23:15Could you carry a guard pie around with you that would attack people?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Mr Dennis, welcome to the Executive Board. He's thinking out loud!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21A guard pie, of course, that's the next plan!
0:23:21 > 0:23:25He's moving up the corporate ladder really quickly here, isn't he?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28OK, I almost dread asking the next question.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31What have scientists been given the go-ahead to create this week?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- Multi-tasking pies.- Porno pies!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Porno pies!- PORNO pies? - Porno pies.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40They turn up to do your plumbing, they open up with a steak inside,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42it's beautiful.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45What kind of pornos are YOU watching?!
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Some steak, "Yeah, phwoar, that's got me up the runway." Jesus!
0:23:49 > 0:23:53I'm trying to get on the corporate ladder, you racist!
0:23:53 > 0:23:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:57 > 0:24:00There's a quandary, what can I say to that situation?
0:24:00 > 0:24:05I have NEVER seen the race card pulled so beautifully.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09That was, you know, that was a pair of ace race cards.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Oh, I got bullets, urgh!
0:24:11 > 0:24:15What have scientists been given, I'll ask the question again,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18what have scientists been given the go-ahead to create this week?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Monkey butlers.- Not monkey butlers!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- It's close!- They've been given the go-ahead to create
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- human animal hybrids in embryos. - Yes, they have, exactly, yeah, yeah.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29And the scientists are very excited, because
0:24:29 > 0:24:33they've already had tremendous success with Wayne Rooney.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:41The other nominees for the Image of the Week, what's going on here?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44That is the face of Jesus on a naan bread...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Yes, it is.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50..or possibly a posing pouch for an evangelical Christian.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53It is a weird Christian thing and a weird Catholic thing
0:24:53 > 0:24:55to see images of Christ or the Virgin Mary.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- I mean, for this one, what's that in?- That's Jesus in someone's back.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- It looks like someone's been bruised.- It IS a bruise.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- It's Jesus in a bruise. - Is it really?
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- Somebody got bruised.- That looks more like Albert Einstein!- Yeah.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- It does, it is yeah. - Yeah, you're right...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13That is a good call though.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Young Einstein, darker hair, in a bruise, yeah.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Maybe Jesus appeared at the curry, right, because, you know,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22they'd ordered some bread and then four lagers and he was thinking,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25"No, should have a glass of red wine to go with the bread.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"I'd better appear and tell them."
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I mean, you know, some joke like that.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I've never seen somebody give up as elegantly as that.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Do you know what I mean, like there's some wine,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43some bread, blaargh!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Basically, that was the IKEA of jokes.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Here's the stuff, you build it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Just lean it together, lean it all together.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54That goes there, that goes there, you don't need me.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Hammer it together.
0:25:58 > 0:26:05The first subject tonight is, What A TV Chef Would Never Say.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08So, that's the bird plucked and stuffed.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12All that remains is to kill it.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Welcome to One Fat Lady.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21And here, what you want to do is put a little bit of the bran mixture
0:26:21 > 0:26:26in the tin and then sprinkle a little bit of hash on the top of it.
0:26:28 > 0:26:34Well, huh? These Korean meat balls really are the dog's bollocks.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:41If you're wondering how to get the perfect skin
0:26:41 > 0:26:43on your parsnips,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45then you're mental.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Hello, I'm Delia Smith and today we're going to cook
0:26:52 > 0:26:53a panda.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Am I invisible in this jacket?!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07APPLAUSE
0:27:08 > 0:27:11So, I've marinated it for half an hour,
0:27:11 > 0:27:16seared it for 15 seconds and now I'm drizzling it on my buttocks.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22You just need two things to make this dish.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27What you need is a takeaway menu and a phone.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Tonight on Russian Cookery, cyanide, polonium
0:27:33 > 0:27:36and a crab stuffed with explosives.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Fuck off!
0:27:39 > 0:27:43APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It's not going to be worth it now, is it?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58The next topic is,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Things That Would Change the Atmosphere at a Dinner Party.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05Ignore the banging, she's been in there for 24 years!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Help yourself to Nibbles.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14He was our favourite hamster, but it's what he would have wanted.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Are you sure this is... pork?
0:28:19 > 0:28:23It's just because my crackling has a tattoo.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Don't worry, we don't say grace,
0:28:27 > 0:28:32we just sacrifice a child to the great god Imhotep.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38Doorbell! Excellent, that'll be Heather Mills and James Blunt.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42I hope he's brought his guitar.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44I hope nobody's allergic to nuts,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47because I like to rest mine on the table.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Well, this is absolutely lovely.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53I say we all raise a glass,
0:28:53 > 0:28:55TO THE FUHRER!
0:29:00 > 0:29:04Ten of you arrived, only one will leave.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Anyway, long story short, after, about two hours,
0:29:10 > 0:29:14you couldn't tell what was poo and what was chocolate.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21There is a vegetarian option,
0:29:21 > 0:29:22you can fuck off!
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd