0:00:01 > 0:00:03Contains adult humour and some strong language from the start
0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:33We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Here is a picture of the spectacular opening to the Olympic Games.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41But what does BGMC stand for?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Is it - British Gas Managers Celebrate?
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Is it - British Games Much Crapper?
0:00:50 > 0:00:55Is it - Bottled Gas Meets Cigarette?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Is it - Badgers Grenade Mouse Compound?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05That's a very large mouse compound, isn't it?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07I didn't know that mice were capable of that
0:01:07 > 0:01:10and it's all gone to nothing, because of the badgers' attack.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I didn't know that badgers were capable of that.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14That's appalling, they grenaded it, for God's sake.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- This is an escalation. - The thing is, Dara, you anger a badger, it will do anything.
0:01:18 > 0:01:24I saw a pensioner punch a badger in the face. Within seconds, no skin.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Things like that, but I mean the badger
0:01:27 > 0:01:30sourcing grenades is particularly impressive.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I'll be honest with you, it was a joke, right.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- I'm now being held accountable for some... - I'm going to get this straight,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38you anger a badger to make it do anything?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Because for years, I've been playing them Barry White and...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44We once had a badger run over outside the house.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- You had him run over?- No, no, no... - What kind of...- There was a badger...
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- What kind of butler have you got? - A badger, a badger was...
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Have him run over for me.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55We shall sit in a throne and watch this. Ha, ha, ha.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58You're like the Godfather of the vermin world.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00A badger was run over outside the house
0:02:00 > 0:02:03and my parents were staying, and this badger obviously had to be
0:02:03 > 0:02:06killed, put down, to put it out of its pain.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10And all my father could find was a big stick. So he went outside
0:02:10 > 0:02:13and he had to hit the badger repeatedly with this big stick.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And this is remembered by my son, because it was explained to him
0:02:16 > 0:02:20like this, as the time Granddad made the badger better with the stick.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Are you sure that's actually what happened?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28The badger, the poor, the badger has been run over
0:02:28 > 0:02:32and then this old guy comes up and tries to finish it off with a stick.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35It absolutely, it freaks my dad out, actually, thinking about it.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- It's horrible.- Your dad gets badger flash-backs. No, no, no!
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Just in black and white, white and black and black and white.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45And then red! Black, white and red all over.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Turn off Wind In The Willows. Turn off Wind In The Willows!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52While we're here, has anyone been to Sedgemoor Splash?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- No. Is it good?- Oh, it's great.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Well it's, like it's quite naff, but I did a gig in Bridgend,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59we're in very different worlds, you and me, and I did this gig
0:02:59 > 0:03:02and I went; oh I went to Sedgemoor Splash, it was good.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06And this bloke went, "Good? It's the biggest flume in the west."
0:03:07 > 0:03:10How good is that? That's pride I can relate to.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Don't go on there, that be the biggest flume in the west."
0:03:13 > 0:03:16But I genuinely, because I couldn't find Wookey Hole,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18that's why I went there, and I sort of wound the window down and go...
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- Oh, but that's one of the biggest holes in the west. - That's why I was going there.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I said, "Excuse me mate, do you know where Wookey Hole is?"
0:03:25 > 0:03:27And he went, "Don't want to go there, mate, it's overrated,"
0:03:27 > 0:03:30and just, kind of, wandered off, like that going...
0:03:30 > 0:03:31LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:34If you ever get the chance, go to a safari park in Scotland,
0:03:34 > 0:03:38because there's nothing quite like the look on the face of a lion
0:03:38 > 0:03:40that's got to live in Scotland.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43"Oh, this rainy season is going on forever."
0:03:45 > 0:03:48It's like an animal version of the Shawshank Redemption.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I took my pal's wee boy, and he was about six, and it's just
0:03:52 > 0:03:55horrible and at the end there's like a wee otter, and he's sort of making
0:03:55 > 0:03:58a bit of noise and I was going, "Oh, look, he's saying hello to us."
0:03:58 > 0:04:03And this park keeper came up and went, "No, he's pining for his mate.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07"She died last week. That's him crying."
0:04:07 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Well, let me merely say this, Borth Animalarium in West Wales,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16just next to Aberystwyth, right,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20is a zoo entirely composed of animals rejected by other zoos.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26And they're all in segmented cages, and you can't put the pygmy
0:04:26 > 0:04:28marmosets from, you know, one zoo next to the others,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31because they will literally tear each other's heads off, right.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36What technically is the difference between a zoo and an animalarium?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I think the other zoos ganged up and said,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41"You may not call yourself a zoo, right.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45"We will give you these animals that you can use,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"as long as you never, ever call yourselves a zoo."
0:04:47 > 0:04:51I went to a bird zoo in Tunisia,
0:04:51 > 0:04:55and there was no roofs on any of the cages and no fucking birds!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:59 > 0:05:03The genius is, that is entrepreneur, anyone could set that up, right.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I could do it in my back garden and go,
0:05:05 > 0:05:09"Oh, well we don't believe in trapping the birds in."
0:05:09 > 0:05:11What animal has caused tensions to arise within
0:05:11 > 0:05:13the Conservative Party recently?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Is it a cat? - It was a cat, yes, it was a cat.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19This is the cat with its owner, Camilo Soria and Frank Trew.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Any idea why Maya the cat was so important?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Yes, basically this was the whole idea that the judge had said
0:05:24 > 0:05:27he could only stay in the country because he owned a cat.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29He being Camilo Soria, the man on the left.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33It turned out it was obviously a lie, and it's important that we
0:05:33 > 0:05:36shatter that myth, otherwise, in fact, everybody coming into this
0:05:36 > 0:05:40country will be trying to buy a cat, so as in fact they can stay here.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Yes. Who told the lie? - Theresa May.- Theresa May, yes.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47We have, in fact, ten million cats already in this country,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50and they kill 300 million creatures a year,
0:05:50 > 0:05:54including 55 million birds. They are evil bastards.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Cats do show a level of commitment, though.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00When we had a cat when I was a kid, right,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03this cat ate a ball of nylon string.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05It was when it was about three years old, and the string
0:06:05 > 0:06:09unravelled in its stomach and came out in its poo, right.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Which meant that whenever it poo'd,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13it came out like a string of sausages.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18I was very young, but all I can remember every morning is my
0:06:18 > 0:06:20dad with a pair of scissors going...
0:06:20 > 0:06:21MAKES CUTTING NOISES
0:06:25 > 0:06:27It's going to go on for months. Just lifted it...
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I'll just explain it, yeah, Camilo Soria is a Bolivian
0:06:34 > 0:06:38who fought deportation after committing a crime, and...
0:06:38 > 0:06:42He was up for deportation, partially because he stole from Debenhams.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44And you think that's a bit unfair,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47you can't get more British that stealing and looting.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- What did he steal? - He stole a porcelain cat.- He did.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52One of those ones that can wave bye-bye to him.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57As he left at the airport.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I used to farm cats, and let me tell you,
0:07:01 > 0:07:05their eggs don't taste nearly as chocolaty as they look.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:15The answer is, "Chickens, Nurses and Rain." What is the question?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Is it - what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Is it - name three things.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27DELAYED LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:35Is it - what are the most used sound effects in the radio drama,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:44"There's been another monsoon for the chickens!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"Why are all the actors Scottish in Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52"Doctor, doctor, I think this chicken is drowning."
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Is it all the things that my gran says are stealing her money
0:07:57 > 0:08:01when I go and visit her in the care home?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Is it...
0:08:04 > 0:08:05OK, what's the correct answer?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Name three things you won't find in a chicken nugget.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Yeah. Is it...
0:08:11 > 0:08:13OK, can I have the correct...
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Is it - what are the opening stage directions in the television
0:08:17 > 0:08:21drama, Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Chickens, nurses, rain, a man walks through the fog.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"So this is the hospital I'm working in now, is it?"
0:08:29 > 0:08:32What was the name of Foghorn Leghorn's controversial
0:08:32 > 0:08:34early career porn film?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I'm sorry, I want to do more chicken nurse hospital.
0:08:38 > 0:08:44"Clear!" "Squawk" "Clear!" "Squawk" "Clear!" "Squawk" "We've lost him.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48"We've lost him." Like that.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50That's finishing off the chicken, at the end of it.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53"Quick, quick, doctor, doctor, get me the baster!"
0:08:54 > 0:08:57In other news, what might we be facing this winter?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- Winter.- Yes. That is genuinely the big news this week.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Apparently, winter will be coming this winter
0:09:03 > 0:09:05and we should watch out for that.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Because it might come as a huge surprise to people.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10But they're worried about this lack of solar activity,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13because they're saying the same last year, we had a very cold December,
0:09:13 > 0:09:17coldest for 100 years, a lot of our airports were closed,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20whilst in fact, the airports in Alaska and Moscow were still open.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22So they're saying what we should get is a heated runway.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25And you're thinking, environmentally that's got to be terrible,
0:09:25 > 0:09:26but also it would be dangerous.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29If they're worried about all those birds flying
0:09:29 > 0:09:31up into the engines, think about it, a heated runway,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34there'd be cats curled up all the way around.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- The other thing we used to do with my cat...- Oh, Jesus!
0:09:40 > 0:09:44It wasn't, wait until it had had a big shit and do some skipping?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49But my parents used to take it for a walk,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53they used to take it for a walk on a lead, on a 30-foot washing line.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- Is that what it swallowed?- Yes.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I almost dread to ask this, where did they take him on a walk?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Oh, we took it everywhere, we took it on holiday.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07It went up, it climbed Pen-y-ghent in the Yorkshire Dales.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12This is, I mean don't forget, this is on the end of a line.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15It wasn't as if it willingly went. Basically you're climbing
0:10:15 > 0:10:20and dangling underneath you was the cat going, "Miaow, miaow!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Did you ever get to the point when there was a washing line
0:10:24 > 0:10:28half into the cat and then half out? The cat had basically 15 metres of...
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:10:37 > 0:10:40and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42This week's clip features the Royal Family.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44AS THE QUEEN: Oh, I hate looking at houses.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47THE OFFICIAL: Yes, well, hopefully this next property
0:10:47 > 0:10:49will float your boat, Your Majesty.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52It's difficult downsizing, but the owner may take an offer,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55it's been on the market since 1584.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57It's damp and it's got no roof.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59AS PRINCE PHILIP: What a waste of a morning,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I could be shooting an osprey.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Did you know, by the way, you've got a meringue on your head?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Oh, look, look, there's a goat.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12Oh, that makes me feel peckish. Where are we staying?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15AS THE QUEEN: In the Premier Inn.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16AS PRINCE PHILIP: Could you,
0:11:16 > 0:11:20could you have that delivered to the Premier Inn?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Room 256. Oh, and a shedload of pitta bread. Thank you.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26AS THE QUEEN: Where is Philip?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I think he's, where is he, I need to talk to him about the en-suite?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31AS THE OFFICIAL: I think he may be
0:11:31 > 0:11:34talking to a man about a goat, Your Majesty.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36AS THE QUEEN: Oh, for God's sake, not again.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39So anyway, tell me about this castle, does it have a dungeon?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41We need somewhere to keep Fergie.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh, yes they're bloody tasty,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45slice them thinly, bit of chilli sauce.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46The problem is catching them,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49we have to drop on them from above, yes.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52AS THE QUEEN: Are you banging on about goats again?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54AS PRINCE PHILIP: No, what, who? Me?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55No, not at all, no.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Do you like goats?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Oh, my God, there's another one, they're everywhere,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04they're like, they're like Albanians. Yes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08AS THE QUEEN: Well, goodbye, everyone, sorry about my husband.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Do you like the property?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12AS PRINCE PHILIP: I don't know, have you asked the question?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Go on, ask them the question, please.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16AS THE QUEEN: Do I have to? Oh, all right.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Is it near a kebab shop?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Well done, Hugh.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:25None of us can claim complete cleanliness, in terms of tax
0:12:25 > 0:12:28avoidance, particularly if you're self-employed, anyway,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31because there are schemes that were picked out, film investment
0:12:31 > 0:12:34schemes, for example, that a lot of people had put money into.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I myself, I'm afraid we just have these,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I'm part of a film investment scheme, I've put all my savings
0:12:39 > 0:12:42into the big budget production of Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45I think that's very wise,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I think that's right. Well, you're involved, as well, I mean,
0:12:48 > 0:12:54because I play the role of Morag the Nurse, in Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56APPLAUSE
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I think we're going to make a lot of money back,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01it's me and Hugh are involved, yeah.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. It's "clucking brilliant", as well.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07It's nice to know where the budget for this show goes.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I'm sure that's an Irish person appearing...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I want it noted, by the way, how well I look as a nurse.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16It's surprisingly fitting. Big shoulders and...
0:13:16 > 0:13:19You've got a hint of the Readers' Wives about you, there.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Do you know what, I'm delighted...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22If you, if you turned up at my bed in a hospital,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I'd discharge myself straight away.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Listen, I have no doubt you'd discharge yourself, anyway.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Where was Gordon Brown for the weekend?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Oh, he was in Italy for the G8. - He was indeed in Italy for the G8.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Oh, yes.- That is not to be confused with the G20,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45which is the group of 19 industrial nations and the EU.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Or the G45, which is a group of hypo-allergenic countries.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It's fantastic to see Gordon Brown looking
0:13:53 > 0:13:56incredibly uncomfortable, as he met Berlusconi.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Berlusconi's, sort of, like an old-style fixer.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Isn't he, "you want pussy, Brown? You want pussy?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05"You want some blow, you want blow?"
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"No, I'm just here to talk about trade."
0:14:07 > 0:14:09"You want a boy?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"I get you a boy, Brown. I get you a girl. I get you a boy/girl.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17"Four arms, four legs, it's like making love to a man spider.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21"You want me to get rid of Cameron? I get rid of Cameron, Brown.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26"I make it look like suicide, like he fell in love with the man spider.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30"I'm turning Spanish, that's how much I love you, Gordon, baby!"
0:14:30 > 0:14:32He's just moved to Morocco, has he?
0:14:32 > 0:14:36It looks like the world's first conjoined
0:14:36 > 0:14:38quintuplets on their epic Everest climb.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40That's what it looks like.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Brown looks like he's... Brown looks like he's got
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Hannibal Lecter's leather mask on, doesn't he?
0:14:45 > 0:14:50- He does.- You couldn't Photoshop his face to look any weirder than that.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- No.- That's how he actually looks.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Look at Angela Merkel's face, you look at it
0:14:55 > 0:14:58and then Gordon Brown's face almost looks like he's been goosing
0:14:58 > 0:15:01her and that's why she's pulling the face that she's pulling.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Hold on a minute, what's "goosing?"
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- Goosing. - You don't know what goosing is?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08It's basically when you play with their Tatty Bojangles.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:17To be fair, nice intra-series reference there.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20No, goosing is more, it's like a goose would peck you,
0:15:20 > 0:15:21so it's basically "honk."
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Has anyone had a goose feel them up, then?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Is this a regular thing?- Yeah, I've been...- Hello, of course you have.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- I have been.- Do you reckon, middle class upbringing.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30There I was trying to smell boy's rooms
0:15:30 > 0:15:32and a goose came from behind me.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I was bitten in the testicles by a goose.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Well, hang on... - So I'm not the only one?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Let's put the G8 to one side and explain that, then.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41What happened?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I was by a pond...
0:15:43 > 0:15:44LAUGHTER
0:15:45 > 0:15:49My children were playing by the pond, they upset a goose,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52they ran away, I didn't notice, the goose bit me in the testicles.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- Really hard. - LAUGHTER
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- What did you do afterwards? - Kids love you, don't they?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- It was very funny.- Did you get him back?- What, the goose?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Yeah.- Well I'm not going to bite it in the testicles.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06How do you get a goose back? Cook it. What do you do?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Twat it.- I think he had his comeuppance, to be honest with you.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I think, in the long run, you'd probably win.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14In the long run, what with being human.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Yes, by outliving the goose. - All that kind of stuff.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19When the goose is about to die, you turn up and go,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22"Oh, hello, Mr Goose, we meet again.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26"Who is the winner now?" The goose's head lolling.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29To be honest, I'd have turned him into a doorstop if he'd bit my nads.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Like stretch him and put him across the floor like that.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34You'd just make everybody cry, if you did that.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Nobody bites my balls, Dara. Nobody bites my balls.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38You and his gang would have sorted them.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42It's almost like people weren't that interested in the G8.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Five minutes into the discussion, Hugh's talking about a goose
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and you're shouting, "Nobody bites my balls, Dara.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:54 > 0:16:57What has been revealed about elephants this week?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Elephants are like human beings, in that they flirt
0:17:00 > 0:17:02and they have arguments.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03- They flirt.- Elephants flirt.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06There are elephant chat-up lines and everything.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08What, you can phone up and an elephant will bellow...?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Not a chat line.- ..will bellow sweet messages down the phone?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Not an elephant... MIMICS ELEPHANT TRUMPETING
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I think elephants are overprotected.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26I mean it's easy for me to say, from my ivory tower.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:36 > 0:17:38It was worth it just to get to that joke.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43OK, the next topic is Animals.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Frankie Boyle.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Have you heard this thing that the human female has exactly
0:17:49 > 0:17:53the same pheromone scent as an orang-utan female?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56It was news to me, I'll never wear a blindfold again.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58LAUGHTER
0:17:58 > 0:18:00They told me she was a Geordie.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Incidentally, there are only two ways to have sex
0:18:07 > 0:18:10with an orang-utan - carefully,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13and every which way but loose.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I hate pets, people with pets.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Having a pet is just basically saying -
0:18:20 > 0:18:25I have tried to find love among my own species.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Is there anything sadder than seeing someone
0:18:28 > 0:18:30with a dog picking up dog shit?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Well, it's maybe someone without a dog.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34LAUGHTER
0:18:34 > 0:18:38I don't know how long I could be a vet, before I got bored
0:18:38 > 0:18:39and started shagging stuff.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41APPALLED LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:49I'd shag an owl, because whatever position you took it from,
0:18:49 > 0:18:50you could always get eye contact.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52APPALLED LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Or shag a kitten, you know.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Could you imagine having sex with something that you actually
0:19:01 > 0:19:03wanted to cuddle afterwards?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05APPALLED LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Frankie, there, addressing the topic of animals.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19How long ago were the Indians aware that they were going to have
0:19:19 > 0:19:21to build the Commonwealth Games?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23That is absolutely right, very good, well done.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Thank you very much.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Yes, the question I was looking for was -
0:19:29 > 0:19:32how much time has Delhi had to prepare for the crisis
0:19:32 > 0:19:35of the Commonwealth Games, which reports claim are still not ready?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38The city won the right to host the Games in 2003, but the build-up
0:19:38 > 0:19:41to the event has been plagued by fears that facilities and
0:19:41 > 0:19:44accommodation might not be completed on time and to a safe standard.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46So what's been going wrong?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Well, the ceiling of the weightlifting area collapsed.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I mean that's fantastic, isn't it, and there he is,
0:19:51 > 0:19:55he's holding up 200 kilograms, and the roof!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00That is, yes, yeah, yeah, that is one of them. Anything else, go?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03People were making the distinction between filth and excrement.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06That's not a reassuring distinction to make, is it?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Is that excrement my bed is bobbing around in?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11No, don't worry, mate, that's just filth. Oh, fine, fine.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Wake me when it's time to swim to the venue.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17What I think, though, for the Commonwealth Games,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20this presents a unique opportunity for boxers. It'll be the one
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and only time they can start off the competition as a heavyweight
0:20:23 > 0:20:28and by the end of the competition be fighting as a featherweight.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31That little bucket by the side of the ring is going to have
0:20:31 > 0:20:36seen more action that they've ever expected before. No! No.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39APPLAUSE
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Do you know what they had to remove from one of the rooms
0:20:42 > 0:20:43in the athlete's village?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- A snake.- A snake, a cobra was in one of the bedrooms,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48one of the South African's, and they said,
0:20:48 > 0:20:53"I don't know why you're worried, we gave you a basket and a small horn.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55"Play the horn and the cobra will go back into the basket."
0:20:55 > 0:20:58A cobra! Like that's a...that's a valid safety complaint surely?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01But it's a double whammy, as well, you get bitten by a cobra,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05they give you an anti-venom and then they disqualify you for having
0:21:05 > 0:21:08an illegal substance in your blood stream.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10What animals have been brought in?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Camels.- No, not camels, no. - Penguins.- Not penguins.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Polar bears.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- No. Monkeys.- Is it a narwhal?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21It's not, stop naming random animals, right.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Is it a muskrat? - It's not a muskrat.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I've already said the word "monkeys" while you carried on naming things.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Is it monkeys? - It's monkeys, well done, yes.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36It is monkeys. Trained monkeys have been brought in,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39langur monkeys they're called, and what are they there to do?
0:21:39 > 0:21:44- Moving sofas?- Yeah. - No.- Sell T-shirts?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47No, they're there to stop other monkeys getting into the games.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49They're monkey bouncers?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53They are...they're monkey bouncers, they've got a list of other monkeys.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Monkey bouncers. Your species isn't down, you're not coming in.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57GRUNTS LIKE A MONKEY
0:21:59 > 0:22:03And if you don't back away, I will fling shit at you, all right.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Because the plumbing is rubbish, they are there to test, in case
0:22:06 > 0:22:09the baths are too hot, if they get in and they go - oooh, aaah...
0:22:09 > 0:22:10MONKEY NOISES
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It could be either, to be honest.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I was trying to think of what is the worst event, right,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19to do if you've got the shits, right.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23And I thought weightlifting, that has got to be the worst, hasn't it?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25You know, you push up the whole idea
0:22:25 > 0:22:28that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33On travel news,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36or the greatest travel story of the week was Tina the tortoise.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Tina the tortoise lost a leg,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42so they attached a rear wheel to the back of Tina's shell.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47That's the tortoise equivalent of Davros, the Master of the Daleks.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50When that tortoise comes to die, that's going to muck up
0:22:50 > 0:22:54archaeologists in thousands of years' time, isn't it?
0:22:54 > 0:22:58They'll be going, "We don't remember evolution producing this one."
0:22:58 > 0:23:00But what happens if that tortoise is set upon
0:23:00 > 0:23:03and someone steals the wheels and you find it up on bricks?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Do you think the hare is going to feel cheated?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10He's not going to go for his nap now, is he?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Have they got the speed worked out?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Presumably the wheel could go faster than him.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17He could just find himself in the wrong gear.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19It's not a motorised wheel, it's a loose wheel.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- Is it a tortoise hot rod?- It's not. - It's also...- He's not on...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25He goes "nitro," and there's a big engine blast at the back.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- Argh! Little legs going like that. - The thing is...
0:23:28 > 0:23:31He's actually got a blue light underneath, as well.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Do you think he low jacks, as well, is going on?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Yeah, yeah, I'm Tina, yeah.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39The thing is, what's his name? Is it Tina?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40- Tina. Her name is Tina.- Tina.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42There's no way that Tina is going to be able
0:23:42 > 0:23:44to hide from people she doesn't like,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47because before, you could hide in your shell.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49"Tina, we know it's you, you've got a wheel."
0:23:49 > 0:23:54"All right Dave, how are you doing?" "Not bad."
0:23:54 > 0:23:57It's a very, very complex social network that tortoises have,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- I didn't realise that.- It is.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Every time the thing reverses, it's going to go, "Beep, beep."
0:24:03 > 0:24:05To be honest, it's going to make
0:24:05 > 0:24:07fuck all difference to that tortoise.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12It doesn't know what's going on, it barely moves, anyway.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16They're going to put it in a box at Christmas and it'll die.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Well, there you go.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23It certainly can't see the back of it, can it?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Thank you, thank you Frankie,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27for steam-rolling our gentle whimsy there.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30For taking our sweet little commentary about Tina, and how this
0:24:30 > 0:24:32has changed her life and just going -
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Tina will die like the rest of us.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38But tortoises don't hibernate, they live to one.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Basically, is what I've discovered.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Really?- Well I'm just going by Blue Peter. They've actually...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45No, they don't, there was, I remember reading a story,
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- they live for years. - Not the ones that Frankie has.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Christmas time again. Bang!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53"Daddy, I loved him!"
0:24:55 > 0:24:59You've got to get used to the concept of death, Pet.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Uncle Frankie, can you get me a Frisbee. In a minute.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07But does this mean, though, if one of the parents, accidentally
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Tina dies, right, do they have to go to a pet shop, buy a similar looking
0:25:11 > 0:25:17tortoise, get rid of a leg and stick another wheel on the corner?
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Maybe they're not supposed to be put in a cardboard box full of hay.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Maybe their natural environment is different than a cardboard box.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Because they generally die.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30You keep trying to teach us that tortoises die
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and we refuse to believe you.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35We think they go on for ever. You're going to bring one in next season and go,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37"look at it, it's not moving anywhere."
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Let's get a show pet next season, right.- Yes, yes!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I guarantee you it'll die in the middle of episode one.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Bullshit. We'll make it live. - We should have like, I should say -
0:25:52 > 0:25:54and by the way, before we start Headlines, and round one of the
0:25:54 > 0:25:57first series, I should introduce you to the Mock The Week giraffe, who'll
0:25:57 > 0:26:01just be wandering around the studio randomly for the rest of the season.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06- Hello, Necky. "Waargh! Waagh." - Well. that would be great.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10And then you'll just see him behind there, just slowly, and then bang.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Right in the middle of Scenes We'd Like To See, a dead giraffe
0:26:13 > 0:26:15will come slamming through the screen there.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18You laugh, but that would be a better show.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- Yeah. Absolutely.- Who gives a fuck about the news, really?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26That would be great, to see a bonobo chimp rip through
0:26:26 > 0:26:29that screen during one of the stand-up bits.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32"Wargh!" I'll tell you what I think about the government.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Oh hello! "Argh!"
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Tearing the contestants limb from limb.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Just that Frankie's like that. "No, Frankie!"
0:26:42 > 0:26:43They've got to learn.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50The next topic is - Unlikely Excerpts From A Nature Documentary.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Do you see this little fella here?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Pull!
0:27:07 > 0:27:08I'm having to whisper,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11because this woman's husband is in the room next door.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18This beautiful hummingbird is no match for my squash racquet.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:23 > 0:27:27And I'm having to whisper because this bear has got me in a headlock.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Penguin with his head trapped in a beer can.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Tragic and yet somehow hilarious.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:46And I'm stood here, in the jungle, in my bath robe,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48because my luggage is still at Heathrow.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50LAUGHTER
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Welcome back to Pimp My Hippo.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:06And here we have two insects shagging away. Phwor.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10LAUGHTER
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Out of the water climbs a majestic otter, who turns...
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Oh, no, it's a dog.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17LAUGHTER
0:28:18 > 0:28:21And yes, the lion's after the impala,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24and the lion's got the impala, tuck in my son!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Lion one, impala nil!
0:28:27 > 0:28:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:33I'm the ghost of Steve Irwin,
0:28:33 > 0:28:35and welcome to Animals Kill the Daftest Bastards.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37LAUGHTER
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Which punter has managed to have a 100% success rate?
0:28:42 > 0:28:44- Paul the octopus. - Is he your friend?
0:28:47 > 0:28:49You can have him if you want.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Unless another octopus story appears in the news,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I'm not sure what use it would be to have a plastic octopus.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58You could put him on your face and pretend to be part of Dr Who.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Oh, no, no, it would be more, it's the alien, it's Alien.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03HE SCREAMS
0:29:04 > 0:29:09I tell you what, we were talking about pranks earlier, that would be a good one to play on your daughter.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11- That would be good, yeah. - Sellotape it to your face.- Yeah.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14- Not where you've got it at the moment.- No, no, no, that's more...
0:29:15 > 0:29:18It would be a hell of a cod-piece though, wouldn't it?
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Oh, sorry, you can't see it, that's it, that's it there.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Oh yeah. Oh yeah ladies. Look at that.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd