0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything You see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:19# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:24# Read all about it
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Our next round is called Headliners.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Here's a picture of Education Secretary, Michael Gove.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40But what does G.A.E.C. stand for?
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Is it Gove attends elf college?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Genetic abnormality explains chin?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Amazingly not, no.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Is it something, something, something, cock!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Is it Michael Gove saying, "Gosh, actual ethnic children."
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Is it in fact what the kids have done to him,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05glued arse to edge of chair?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Is it adult literacy rates poor?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Very good.- Very good.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Gollum advises Earth children.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Is it Grindr adventure ends catastrophically?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30OK, let's just have the correct answer.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Because frankly, nothing's going to top that.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Gove announced as emergency contraceptive.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Let's have the correct answer, please.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41It's going to be something about Gove announces exam change.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Very good, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Yes, the answer I was looking for was Gove announces exam changes.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53This is the news that Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced
0:01:53 > 0:01:57a new English Baccalaureate certificate to replace GCSEs.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00From 2015, students will work towards a demanding three-hour exam
0:02:00 > 0:02:03at the end of a two-year course, rather than the current
0:02:03 > 0:02:06combination of coursework, modular exams and multiple retakes.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09He's even invented an exam that
0:02:09 > 0:02:12thicker kids won't be able to pronounce.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14The bacca what? The bac, the bacca what?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh, give me a shovel, I'll go down a mine.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I think the idea is, if you're academic,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21then you get a baccalaureate, and otherwise
0:02:21 > 0:02:24they teach you practical skills, like how to back a lorry out.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31APPLAUSE
0:02:31 > 0:02:34The Tories have assured us that under this system, no child
0:02:34 > 0:02:38will be left behind, but how can we take Tory promises that no
0:02:38 > 0:02:42child will be left behind seriously when their leader's David Cameron?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45There's been a lot of debate over, you know,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48whether grades have been devalued, and I was discussing that
0:02:48 > 0:02:51recently with my nephew, Professor Timmy, and...
0:02:51 > 0:02:53So, hang on a second, sorry, because, you know,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56it's one of these things that I genuinely am always perplexed about,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59coming from a different country, as I have, with my spices and my silks.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Really?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03And I have come to your nation, and there are
0:03:03 > 0:03:06so many great things about it, except your exams, which are mad.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09The education, by the way, is great, I'm not saying anything about
0:03:09 > 0:03:12the education people get here, it's fantastic, but the exams are mad.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15There are people who, when confronted with an exam paper, just go to
0:03:15 > 0:03:18pieces completely and forget how to count,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21and I think it's very unfair that they are marking the papers.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28APPLAUSE
0:03:28 > 0:03:31People make an awful lot about the pressure that kids are under
0:03:31 > 0:03:34and I suppose they are. But speaking as an ex-teacher,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37when it comes to exam time, there's far worse pressure on the teachers.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Because you have to spend sometimes four, five hours in those halls
0:03:42 > 0:03:44just walking up and down and it's a recipe for insanity.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I had no choice when I was teaching
0:03:46 > 0:03:49but to invent a game called Camp Aisle.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55It was just to see who could walk up and down the aisle the campest.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05We started off just slightly mincing. Honestly, by the end of it,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I was walking down a full aisle of children like this...
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I knew it was time for me to leave teaching when I got to the end of
0:04:13 > 0:04:16one aisle, genuinely, during an actual GCSE, a kid looked up at me
0:04:16 > 0:04:17and went... "Tut."
0:04:21 > 0:04:24So were you essentially vogue-ing your way?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I'm not exaggerating, by the end of it, I was, like...
0:04:31 > 0:04:35The thing is, they want to make the exams harder, don't they, you know?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37But surely, they're hard enough already
0:04:37 > 0:04:40if your teacher is walking up and down camping it up.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Oh, no. I'm still qualified, technically,
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- we'll have to cut this bit out. - Really, is that your safety net?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- Yeah.- Oh, that's really sweet.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Do you think anybody, having seen you in Inbetweeners,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53anybody is ever going to employ you?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Well, you've always got a trade.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02I did a gig at the University of Central England,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05which is Birmingham, that's what they're trying to hide from you.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09And as the opening line, I said, "UCE, so called because that's the
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"grades it takes to get in," right.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14And, yes, but I had to explain it to them.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I'll tell you what, I was in an exam when I was at school,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21when my mate at the back of the hall went... We were all waiting to
0:05:21 > 0:05:24leave, someone at the back of the hall went, "Miaow."
0:05:24 > 0:05:27And Mr Meardon, the exam invigilator went...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32And then someone else went, "Miaow."
0:05:32 > 0:05:35And then "Miaow" from different parts of the hall, and it led
0:05:35 > 0:05:38to my favourite sentence I've ever heard come out of an adult's
0:05:38 > 0:05:42mouth, which was, "All right, no-one leaves until the miaowing stops."
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Shall I tell you another episode from my life?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52No wait, no actually, no, no, no, no, I want, no, rather than you
0:05:52 > 0:05:54telling me another story from your childhood,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I want to pitch this question in, right.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Who else received an honour this week?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- I did.- That would be Hugh. - Oh, yeah, I saw that.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04This is a photograph of Hugh receiving an honour this week.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I was awarded it for getting rid of all the rats in Hamelin.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17What were you awarded?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I was given an Honorary Fellowship of the University of Northampton.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Northampton? Isn't that one of those jumped-up ones that used to be
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- a swimming pool?- Yeah.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Isn't an Honorary Fellowship of the University of Northampton similar
0:06:29 > 0:06:33to getting like a VIP pass to Roxy's Nightclub in Milton Keynes?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35What powers do you have?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Do you know, if you pull the little cord on the right hand side,
0:06:38 > 0:06:39the hat flushes on my head.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43That is the campaign poster for,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"Don't let your kids out of your sight."
0:06:47 > 0:06:50This is the news that Michael Gove has called for tougher
0:06:50 > 0:06:52qualifications for aspiring teachers, barring those who
0:06:52 > 0:06:56continuously fail basic numeracy and literacy tests from teaching.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Gove has also hit out at teachers on their planned walkouts over
0:06:59 > 0:07:02pensions, claiming they've a strong moral duty not to strike
0:07:02 > 0:07:06and to keep their schools open. Now, are you aware of the tests?
0:07:06 > 0:07:07I think it's a bit rich, really,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10coming from Michael Gove, to put literacy tests down for teachers,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13when his whole name sounds like a grammatical error.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15You kind of go, "Michael Gove?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"No, Michael Gave is what it should be, Gave."
0:07:20 > 0:07:23"Michael Gave. Try again, Gave."
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I actually trained to be a teacher for a year, and they say to you
0:07:29 > 0:07:32when you sign up, they say, "It's a very serious job, this,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"Don't smile before Easter."
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It's a sign of weakness, apparently.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41So I'm walking down the corridor on my first day's training
0:07:41 > 0:07:43and a fat kid fell over.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I'm on him like a shot. Bundle!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I didn't pass.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Surely, the only real test of a teacher is to send them out
0:07:55 > 0:07:58to the Middle East and see if they say, "I don't care who started it!"
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Have you seen the level of the questions though? They're ludicrous.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09They're sort of like, add 11 and four.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Every year you joke about A level tests getting...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14These are the questions for the actual teachers.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Here's one, for example, genuinely off the test for teachers.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Can you answer the following multiple-choice question
0:08:19 > 0:08:21that's included in the teacher training test?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Is the correct word...?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36That's genuine, whereas obviously, the correct answer should be...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43If they are going to make it harder for teachers, they should give
0:08:43 > 0:08:46teachers something back - you should be allowed to knee them again.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Was that like a perk at the time, was it?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52When they run in the corridor, "Slow down."
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I'm beginning to wonder how you managed to last one whole year.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I used to be a teacher as well, and I found that marking was a problem.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04But if you wrap the child in a mattress before you hit them...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Part of the problem, really, is that teachers are quite annoying,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11even aside from politics.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I've got a lot of friends and family that are teachers
0:09:13 > 0:09:16and they're annoying people to know, because they break the year up
0:09:16 > 0:09:19in their way, even when you don't do the same job.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22So they'll say, "Oh, I'll see you at half term."
0:09:22 > 0:09:24And you go, "I'm 36."
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I don't know when that is any more.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Could you give me a number and then the name of one of the 12 months?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34That's the system I like to work from.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36We had a teacher in school, right, and he was African,
0:09:36 > 0:09:40and his mode of punishing you, he'd make you hold out
0:09:40 > 0:09:42your fingertips, he'd say,
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- AFRICAN ACCENT:- "Hold out your fingertips." And...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49No tension in the room now, is there?
0:09:49 > 0:09:50It's just an accent, get over it.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Was that your racist impersonation or his racist impersonation?
0:09:54 > 0:09:59- That's how he talked!- OK. Well... - He said, "Hold out your fingertips."
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- And he would whack them with a ruler. Yeah.- Yeah?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07He was from Newcastle.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09APPLAUSE
0:10:09 > 0:10:13See, grown-ups, they know a good African accent when they hear one.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"It was quality, you must know that."
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- Enough with the accent.- OK. Sorry.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Once in the context of the story was fine.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Once you start doing Nigerian, you can't stop.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29"It's almost impossible."
0:10:32 > 0:10:37The next topic is education, who wants to come in on that? Russell.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38I remember school being fun.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I think my favourite moment ever in life, pretty much, there was
0:10:41 > 0:10:44a girl in our school called Lydia, and she was trying to make her
0:10:44 > 0:10:47calculator work. She was repeatedly knocking it against the desk.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49And after about an hour, our teacher went, "Lydia!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"How would you like it if I banged you against the desk?"
0:11:01 > 0:11:04It's the greatest day of school. But now it's more sinister, isn't it?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07They're now talking about teaching five-year-olds sex education.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Of course, people are very angry, "It's disgusting! It's too much!"
0:11:10 > 0:11:13You're like, "Calm down, they're not going to teach them technique."
0:11:13 > 0:11:16They're not going, "This is how I like to do it, kids, that's right."
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Kids aren't going to run home and put dolls around a toy car
0:11:19 > 0:11:21and go, "Look, Mum, they're dogging, they're dogging."
0:11:21 > 0:11:24It isn't going to be that. It's going to be some poor teacher trying
0:11:24 > 0:11:27to talk to five year-olds about love. Can you imagine a harder job?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30"Hello, children, I'm here to teach you about love."
0:11:30 > 0:11:32"Good luck with that, mate. I'm off to lick that tree."
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Thank you very much.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40In other news, how have exam boards let down students this week?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Poor students.- By asking questions that are unanswerable.- In what manner
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- were they unanswerable?- They didn't have enough information in them.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- The papers, there were typos or mistakes on the paper, yes.- Yeah.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52On one of the sports science papers, there was a really tough one,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54it said, "Name."
0:11:56 > 0:11:59They said these are impossible, this is an impossible maths exam.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Rubbish. You only know a maths exam is impossible when you hear
0:12:02 > 0:12:03a voice at the back going,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- STEPHEN HAWKING VOICE:- "This is bullshit. "I'm leaving."
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Smashing into the other tables, bang. Bang.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Trying to reverse around. Bang. Bang, bang.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19The best exam story ever, there were teachers given out to
0:12:19 > 0:12:23once for doing... Because it's very boring to invigilate exams, and
0:12:23 > 0:12:25they had games that they devised.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28There was, of course, who's the ugliest student?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31And the two of them, one of them would walk down
0:12:31 > 0:12:34and stand next to who they thought was the ugliest student.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39And then would walk back up again and the other would go... "Hmm."
0:12:39 > 0:12:42They would walk down to who they thought was the ugliest student
0:12:42 > 0:12:44and they'd go... "Yeah."
0:12:44 > 0:12:49We did an exam once in college and it was shared, there were loads,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51in all these big halls that loads of different classes were in,
0:12:51 > 0:12:56and one girl had just a conniption fit, because it just went wrong.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Just, this is awful, and she started crying at the table really
0:12:59 > 0:13:00loudly and they had to get her out.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Because it was only an hour into a three-hour exam and people
0:13:03 > 0:13:07are like, "This is tough enough as it is without this going on."
0:13:07 > 0:13:10So they took her outside and they put her just outside the door,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13right? And then every time somebody went to the toilet, you'd hear,
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- "Waagh!"- That's awful.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20And we knew the person was going to come back from the toilet
0:13:20 > 0:13:25in a minute and you're all going, "I don't want to hear it." "Waaagh!"
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Is that because the invigilator was standing outside the door
0:13:28 > 0:13:31next to her going, "This one! It's this one!"
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:13:38 > 0:13:41and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43This week's clip features the Duke of Edinburgh.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48"Oh, bloody royal visits. Have you seen the bar?
0:13:48 > 0:13:52"Is there a bar? Oh, the bar, it's in here, is it? Oh, hell.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56"Just through here, splendid. I could do with a gin.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"What are you...what are you cooking? Yes.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02"I tell you what I like to eat, swan, lovely swan.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05"Golden eagle, I shoot some of them in Balmoral.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"Mind you, I'll tell you what you need for that, is a shotgun, yes.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12"Yes, a bloody big one.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14"I say! Do you...
0:14:16 > 0:14:20"Can I just say, you really do have a terrific pair of norks.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"They are, my goodness, yes.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28"Sorry to mention them again, but they are magnificent.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31"Do you...are they your own, or...?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35"What's this? Oh, Tekken, is it? Oh, lovely, yes.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"I play this at Sandringham, you know, level five.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41"I tell you what you have to do, kick them, kick them,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45"that's what you have to do. Oh, dear. No, you've ballsed that up.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49"Oh, look out, it's the fuzz. Yes.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53"I didn't know, I didn't know it was an osprey. I, I...
0:14:53 > 0:14:57"Are you...are you a stripagram, or...?
0:14:57 > 0:15:02"I tell you what I saw earlier, there was a woman in the kitchen
0:15:02 > 0:15:05"with the most terrific pair of norks."
0:15:08 > 0:15:11"Oh, look, lovely, a DVD, yes. Yes, my favourite.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14"Normally, I have to go to Holland to buy these.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17"Well, goodbye, goodbye. Do you want some? Yes.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21"Yes, well, goodbye. No, I don't know where you've been."
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Points there for Hugh.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31And the topic is school.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38That last bloke was a bit weird, wasn't he?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Anyway, I went back to my old school the other day,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48first time in 30 years. I took a note.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56The teacher said, "So, Jones, what have you done with your life?"
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I said, "Oh, I'm just Britain's
0:15:58 > 0:16:00"top Ofsted inspector."
0:16:02 > 0:16:05They were a lot nicer to me after that.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I was there for the funeral of my old science teacher.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11They asked me to say a few words, so I did...
0:16:11 > 0:16:12"Method..."
0:16:12 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:16 > 0:16:18"We put the coffin in the crematorium."
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"Observations...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31"It burned with an orangey-bright flame."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40"Conclusion...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42"No more homework."
0:16:47 > 0:16:51On Twitter - we mentioned last week... I'm on Twitter, as I
0:16:51 > 0:16:52think a lot of people here are.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I mentioned last week about the exam invigilators' game that they
0:16:56 > 0:16:59play, where invigilators would entertain themselves by standing,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02you know, they'd go, I'll stand next to the ugliest person
0:17:02 > 0:17:06in the room and then walk down and just stand and go, like that, right.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08The problem is, I forgot when telling that story that we
0:17:08 > 0:17:11were right in the middle of state exams in both the UK and Ireland,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14and I got hundreds of tweets from people going,
0:17:14 > 0:17:15"I was in the middle of my exam today
0:17:15 > 0:17:17"and the bloke just stood beside me."
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"I didn't know why, it was really upsetting."
0:17:23 > 0:17:26And then hundreds of other tweets from invigilators going, "Oh, no,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28"no, oh, no, no, no, we play Pac-Man."
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Where one of them is Pac-Man and they'd go, "Omp, omp."
0:17:32 > 0:17:35And the others chase them into a corner until they're trapped.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Frankie, can you make your way to the performance area so we can see
0:17:40 > 0:17:41your dating video.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Hello. I'm looking for a woman with massive tits...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53..so that she won't be intimidated by mine.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00I'm looking for a lady who can share the good times
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and the council tax.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I've taken a lot of care with my appearance, I've taken care
0:18:06 > 0:18:11to appear like a cartoon dog who's accidentally swallowed a pickle.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17I've always wanted to have sex in a car, and I've got two.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21So I reckon, if we park them side by side and take the doors off,
0:18:21 > 0:18:22I could just about manage it.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29So get in touch if you fancy friendship or something more,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32by which I mean, intercourse.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Yes, that was lonely heart John Prescott, who performed a
0:18:41 > 0:18:44spectacular U-turn this week when he decided to throw his weight behind
0:18:44 > 0:18:47the government's education reforms after publicly criticising them.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50What was John Prescott up to last week in this photo?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54This was when he'd just fallen through a Stargate.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59How far into the 100 metres final is he there?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- A yard, I think.- Essentially.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Actually, about three yards later this is what he looked like.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09To be fair, he pulled a muscle. It was a basic exercise mistake.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12He seems to have become an awful lot shorter, as well.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15He looks like he's offering an unusual service
0:19:15 > 0:19:16to one of his juniors.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Why did he do it, though?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I mean, why do politicians do these stupid, humiliating things?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25He's supposed to be busy.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I mean, we all know, he's certainly an embarrassment,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31and the government, you know, are looking for a place to bury him.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33But nominally, he's the Deputy Prime Minister,
0:19:33 > 0:19:37and he turns up at a school and, what? Joins in with a race?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I mean...he's depicting himself as a moron.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Maybe he is a moron, but there should at least be a team of people
0:19:44 > 0:19:49round him trying to stop him looking quite the moron he clearly is.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Clearly, there are three advisers there...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Going, "What the hell...?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56"You joined in with the race, you wanker!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59"They're children, you were wearing your coat,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02"of course you pulled a muscle, you fat git!"
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I mean, it's...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06APPLAUSE
0:20:06 > 0:20:09In other news, what is making a return to the classroom?
0:20:09 > 0:20:10- Schoolchildren.- Yes.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Well, specifically schoolchildren, that would be very topical, but no.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16What are teachers now allowed to do that they haven't been
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- allowed to do for a while? - Punch them in the face.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Now, that is... - Knee them in the bollocks.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- That is... The correct answer is... - Chinese burn.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27No, they're not allowed to hurt the children, right.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30They are allowed merely to lay on hands and separate them
0:20:30 > 0:20:31if there's a fight, for example.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35They're allowed to physically interact with the children.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Punch them in the face isn't specifically
0:20:37 > 0:20:39what they're allowed to do.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I used to have a judo teacher, he would say... He was from China, and...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- Before you start this, right... - He would say,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- CHINESE ACCENT:- "Come here."
0:20:46 > 0:20:48"Come here, you naugh'y boy."
0:20:49 > 0:20:53And he would get his hand and pull his finger back
0:20:53 > 0:20:58and he'd smack you on the forehead, propelling you across the classroom.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00This is absolutely true.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02And then he'd say, "Now, sit down, you irriot!"
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Your teacher was Benny Hill?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14You book Micky, you know what you're going to get.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17The rest of the day, you would have a great big red welt on your
0:21:17 > 0:21:20forehead. It was like a badge of honour.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Why did your school have a judo teacher?
0:21:21 > 0:21:26Was that a part of the...? So what, you did maths, judo, English?
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Thursday afternoon, double judo, art. What's going on?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33They've introduced looting now, into the school.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37But no, he was a PE teacher who was a martial artist of phenomenal...
0:21:37 > 0:21:41You know, he was the man... In China, I think he was the top man.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43So...
0:21:43 > 0:21:45What are you, the Karate Kid?
0:21:45 > 0:21:50He was working as a mild-mannered janitor in your school.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54In China, he was a threat to the state and he was lying low.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- I don't know why he...- Technically, when you were growing up,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00the top man in China was Mao Tse-tung, I think it was.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I am overdoing it a bit with the accent, to be honest.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- The one you're using now?- He was Chinese and, you know, all right,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I've embellished it for comic purposes.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13So we had a bit more of that in schools.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I think they should bring back waterboarding.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Whoa, bring back waterboarding?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It was a tough school I went to.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27The next topic is teaching. Who wants to come in on that? Greg.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I was a teacher for many, many years, ladies and gentlemen,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33and I knew the day I had to leave teaching.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36It was simple, because a very clear sign was given to me
0:22:36 > 0:22:38that I should leave the profession by a child,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41because a child walked into my lesson 20 minutes late.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I was a very strict teacher, I was livid. Yeah.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I was almost as mad as if that child
0:22:46 > 0:22:49had been running in the school corridor, right.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I thought, I am having this little bastard, I am having this.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54So I gave him my most ruthless teacher stare
0:22:54 > 0:22:56when he walked in, something like...
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Maybe not that sexually aggressive.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09It wasn't...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11That would work!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14That would work though, wouldn't it?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16They wouldn't be late again, would they?
0:23:16 > 0:23:21"Oh, dear. Where have you been?" No, it wasn't like that.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26I was furious, I went, "Oh, really? Oh, really?"
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I could see that child didn't give a shit, right.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I thought, "Oh, no, this is the end of my teaching career." I went,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"Where have you been?" And he went, "Yeah, sorry." And I went, "Really?!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38"Are you?! Well, where the hell have you been for 20 minutes?"
0:23:38 > 0:23:41And I promise you, that child looked me in the face and went,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"Yeah, sorry, sir. I've been Livin' La Vida Loca."
0:23:46 > 0:23:49What can you say to that? I said, "Fair enough, sit down."
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Anyone who quotes Ricky Martin at me,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54ladies and gentlemen, is a friend for life.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Well done, Greg.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Why have Michael Gove and Nick Clegg clashed recently?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03They're looking to sort of bring back O and A levels,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05because they think that GCSEs have been
0:24:05 > 0:24:07devalued by people getting too many good grades.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I don't think that is the issue, it's just that they moved
0:24:10 > 0:24:14the marking centre to Liverpool, so now it's all "A, A, A, A, A..."
0:24:18 > 0:24:22So is it...? Cos I didn't come through that system, is it like...?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24No, and I think it shows, I think it shows.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Yeah, I did come through a system, thank you very much.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30What system did you come through?
0:24:30 > 0:24:35I came through the Irish education system, where we don't tinker quite
0:24:35 > 0:24:37as much as you do with the system.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Don't make that joke, don't make that joke. Anyway...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43It's been the same for years, the Irish education system, hasn't it?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Because you're graded from too-ra-loo-ra-A's,
0:24:45 > 0:24:46down to fiddle-dee-D's.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55We're all looking for the Chris Addison Dublin gig on the next tour.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58But going with the O levels,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01was it some special, magical time, the O levels?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- The O levels?- Yes. Is it...? - It was a magical time,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06it was roughly the same time as I lost my virginity, that's why.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09That was a hell of a French oral.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Is calling for the O levels the political equivalent of going,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"I wish they'd put Top Of The Pops back on?" Is it like that?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- Yeah, it is.- Yes, spinsters on bikes. He basically wants the '80s back.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27He wants everyone driving an Austin Allegro,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- because they were great, those cars. - Do I get the impression you lost
0:25:30 > 0:25:32your virginity in an Austin Allegro, is that the...?
0:25:32 > 0:25:36He lost his virginity TO an Austin Allegro.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Austin Allegro.- My God, that exhaust pipe was hot!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40AUDIENCE: Oh...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I lost mine to an Escort, does that count?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46APPLAUSE
0:25:48 > 0:25:53The first subject is, Unlikely Questions From This Year's Exams.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Discuss the metaphysical meaning of the following poem.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"My friend Billy has a ten foot willy."
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Would you like this exam to be A) multiple choice, or not?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18The Bronte sisters - shag, marry, push off a cliff?
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Discuss the following:
0:26:25 > 0:26:29The Nazis got all their ideas from the History Channel.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Who was the chap in The A-Team who would not get on the aeroplane?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Was it A B, or B A?
0:26:42 > 0:26:46If a bank loses £60 billion in a six-month period,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49using numbers that you've plucked out of thin air,
0:26:49 > 0:26:53work out what the Chief Executive's bonus will be.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Napoleon, a small man
0:27:01 > 0:27:03or a long way away?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Quantify N in terms of Q
0:27:13 > 0:27:17when Q is a positive integer that dissects a parabolic curve.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21"How's your lucky pencil case now? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?"
0:27:28 > 0:27:32What's the name of that round thing that they throw in the Olympics?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Discuss.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Poetry, is it all a bit gay?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Draw a diagram of the genitalia of the male elephant.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Use all 30 sheets of paper provided.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Biology. Without singing,
0:27:58 > 0:28:00what is the knee bone connected to?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Explain the use of juxtaposition in Macbeth.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Alternatively, write down everything you know about Macbeth in a
0:28:10 > 0:28:14blind panic because you've got no idea what the word juxtaposition is.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Drama. Question one.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24What was it that first made you want to become a waiter?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30What is your PIN number?
0:28:34 > 0:28:38OK, the next topic is, Bad Things For A Teacher To Say.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
0:28:45 > 0:28:48You know the rules, Thomas, if you forget your PE kit,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50I take the lesson in my pants.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Are you chewing, boy?
0:28:55 > 0:28:58This is the worst blow job I've had all day.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06I don't know the answer, Watkins. I just do this job for the holidays.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12It turns out you're not dyslexic, you're just really, really stupid.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20I have been at this school for over 40 years.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24I buggered your fathers and I will bugger you.
0:29:24 > 0:29:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd