0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:14# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Read all about it
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36On the board are six categories.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Michael, which category would you like?
0:00:38 > 0:00:42I would like the category of Crime, please, Dara.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45OK, Crime it is. The answer is...25 pence.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46What is the question?
0:00:46 > 0:00:51What is the British name for American rapper 50 Cent?
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Is it how much would I have to be paid up front
0:00:58 > 0:01:00to kill Jeremy Clarkson?
0:01:06 > 0:01:11What fee guarantees Dean Gaffney's appearance at a party?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14What's top prize on Romanian Deal Or No Deal?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Can I just take the box?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- No, the box is not... - I can use it for shoes.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27I'm going to steer you towards the correct answer.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Does anyone have any idea what was worth 25p this week?
0:01:29 > 0:01:33- It's something to do with money, isn't it? And crime. - It's something to do with money.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35It's to do with the real cost of something that was on sale.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- It was Viagra. - Absolutely right, yes.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Yes, the question I was looking for is - how much were a criminal gang
0:01:44 > 0:01:47paying for fake Viagra tablets that they later sold for up
0:01:47 > 0:01:50to £20 each? Several members of an international network
0:01:50 > 0:01:52were found guilty of making millions from producing
0:01:52 > 0:01:56counterfeit Viagra and anti-baldness tablets at factories in Asia.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- How was the scam uncovered? - You know, it's ridiculous the way...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01It doesn't grow your bloody hair back!
0:02:04 > 0:02:08It was uncovered by excellent work from Customs And Excise, apparently,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12whereas it should have been uncovered by someone going,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"Hang on a minute, I'm sure something's meant to happen."
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I took Viagra once.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I took Viagra and I had a hard-on for so long
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I had to give it its own shelf in the fridge.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Did anyone see the News 24 reaction?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29It was fantastic because it just came up - news just in -
0:02:29 > 0:02:31and they found out about the Viagra case,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33and it was brilliant, because they were doing little puns.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36They were genuinely kind of going, "I bet that's a hard case.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38"That'll get a stiff sentence."
0:02:38 > 0:02:40And then you could genuinely see they obviously got
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- a word in their ear and they went... - SCOLDED:- "Yeah, OK."
0:02:43 > 0:02:47It's great we've got a drug to help old people have sex, isn't it?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I love old people who've got that little twinkle in their eye,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54you know, and you're there playing Scrabble with your grandparents
0:02:54 > 0:02:59and your grandpa puts down Viagra on a double word score and just goes...
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I wonder about that old woman that gave birth at 63.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Because that baby can't have had to force its way out.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Every time she went for a shit, it probably had to brace itself.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23A bit like the end of the Italian Job or something.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Why has George Osborne been dragged into the phone hacking scandal?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Because he was already involved in it in the beginning.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33That's a point.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41He was formerly friends with someone
0:03:41 > 0:03:45who ran a prostitution distribution business.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49This lady claims that she and George Osborne took cocaine together.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53George... A claim he strenuously, strenuously denies, we have to legally say.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56He strenuously denies taking prostitute's cocaine.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57And possibly all other forms of cocaine,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00we have to legally say that he strenuously denies it.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03And do you know why I think this is a failed opportunity?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06This woman ran a high-class escort service and nobody's asked her
0:04:06 > 0:04:08what she thinks of the 50% tax rate.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11But if there's anyone who would have strong feelings on that,
0:04:11 > 0:04:15it would be hookers, who after half an hour must be going,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18"Jeez, I'm doing this for the government now."
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Wasn't the agency... It was a specialist agency, wasn't it?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23It was called Black Beauties.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25So...ponies?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30No, it was just, it was all black women. What are you looking at me like that for?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Because you're speaking. I thought you'd find it more polite.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I'm happy to look over at Chris whilst you're speaking but...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I could dance for you, Andy, whilst Ava's talking.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43No, because I said it was called Black Beauties,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47you were looking at me like I was about to confess something.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- I just read it.- Would you, as soon as you said it's Black Beauties,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52then we all slowly turned away and just ignored you.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Like that scene in 12 Angry Men. Oooh.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59But it is amazing, isn't it, that they actually found out so much from the phone hacking?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Because, let's face it, if you've got anything important to say to people,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05you don't tend to leave it on their answerphone message.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07You go, "Oh, call us back," don't you?
0:05:07 > 0:05:12You don't go, "Oh yes, I've booked all those prostitutes in Nazi uniforms
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"and I've buried the body at the bottom of the garden.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20"Anyway, let's hope nobody finds out about this. Call me back."
0:05:20 > 0:05:21"And I'm on the train..."
0:05:21 > 0:05:25That's the kind of story you would expect to see, wouldn't you?
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Hugh Grant's girlfriend says she's on train, she'll be about half an hour,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32would Hugh like her to pick up some milk on the way back?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Hugh Grant's mum says she doesn't really like talking to these sorts of things,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37she's going to put your dad on.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- But there was another one on phone hacking this week.- There was...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- Which was David Blunkett, wasn't it? - Blunkett, yeah.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And do you know how they know it was David Blunkett?
0:05:49 > 0:05:55Because when the phone is answered, there's a dog saying, "Dave, it's for you, mate."
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Surely he's one of the only ones you didn't need to sort of hack.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01You could just sneak up and just stand next to him.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:16 > 0:06:17That's very good.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And the amount of faked photographs of him doing cocaine because you
0:06:20 > 0:06:24just go, in any social situation, just put a plate full of cocaine.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30But it was mundane because people just didn't change their codes
0:06:30 > 0:06:33on the thing and their argument was, it was just there.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35It's crazy that people don't change their codes anyway.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Mine's 6791.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40It's easy for you to remember, isn't it, because it's the year
0:06:40 > 0:06:43you were born, '67, followed by the year you lost your virginity?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Yeah, well, I'm pleased about that because you've made me
0:06:52 > 0:06:54slightly younger than I actually am.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- And it means you've had sex at least once.- Yeah.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:07:05 > 0:07:07and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11This week's clip features the Royal Family.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh my God, my arse has gone to sleep.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Well, it's so difficult to decide from one test drive,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I think it's a toss-up between this and the Vauxhall Astra.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Hmm. What do you think, Liz?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24AS THE QUEEN: Well, why don't you ask them if they can do a deal?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh, this is a strange dealership, fancy dress.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Ah, I see. Liz has come as one of the girls from Sheilas' Wheels.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Yes, I want the big one out the front all leathered-up.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38It's not the first time I've said that.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41AS JUDGE: I'm not in fancy dress, actually, I'm a proper judge.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh, can you get me a super-injunction?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48AS JUDGE: What have you done? AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh, practically everything.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52AS POLICEMAN: Well, as you can see from the footage from the speed camera,
0:07:52 > 0:07:59it's a black Daimler with bullet-proof glass, registration plate HRH 1.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02So if you can decide which of the two of you was driving,
0:08:02 > 0:08:06you'll be saving yourselves a lot of time and indeed trouble.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10We've also got your husband's hard drive, Madam. Yes.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12AS THE QUEEN: Well, I thought I'd got the safeguards on,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I must have forgotten.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17AS MAN IN SUIT: Did they find anything on the computer, ma'am?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19AS THE QUEEN: Well, actually, it was rather sweet.
0:08:19 > 0:08:236,000 images of Pippa Middleton. Yes.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25But, if you'll excuse me,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I've just got to go and do a bit of moonlighting.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Shouldn't... Shouldn't take a minute. Yes.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
0:08:38 > 0:08:42AS PRINCE PHILIP: Have you seen...? Have you seen what's going on over there? Yes.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46They're trying to fit me up for a crime I never did, yes.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Speeding and looking at the posterior of a very attractive young lady.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54I don't get it. Since when has that been a crime?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58They can't... They can't bang you up for that, can they, in this...?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Oh, perhaps they can.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03I've done nothing, if you want to arrest someone for a crime,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07get Princess Beatrice for that hat she wore at the Royal Wedding.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12It looked like a mutant Curly Wurly in brown fuzzy felt. Yes.
0:09:12 > 0:09:21AS JUDGE: Now, so Philip Louis Stavros Mountbatten-Windsor,
0:09:21 > 0:09:26you are charged on 365 counts of endangering wildlife
0:09:26 > 0:09:32and 18 of impersonating a policeman with an Indian accent.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35How do you plead?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh, piss off!
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Well done.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47In other news, how is the search for Colonel Gaddafi going?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- Really well.- Super. We've checked under the desk, no sign.
0:09:51 > 0:09:58My guess is he's in Madame Tussauds posing as a Gene Simmons waxwork.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Or Wetherspoons.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04He could hang out in Wetherspoons and nobody would bat an eyelid.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07If you walked into a Wetherspoons and there was a man wearing a blanket
0:10:07 > 0:10:10saying he'd killed people, that's just normal, isn't it?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Do you know, he's been spotted, though, hasn't he?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16He's been spotted in Niger, Burkina Faso and Algeria.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21So my theory is he might be on a very bizarre Inter-Rail trip.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- What has he left behind, though? - Loads of stuff.- Yeah.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26On the doormat of his compound,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29there was a letter saying, "Dear Colonel Gaddafi,
0:10:29 > 0:10:36"A property that may interest you has just become vacant in Pakistan.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39"We have another dictator who wishes to move into your area
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"and is looking for a family-sized dictatorial compound."
0:10:42 > 0:10:45My favourite picture was the guy with the jet-ski, like that guy.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Like, you think that was... He looks thrilled
0:10:49 > 0:10:52but how many opportunities does that guy have to go jet-skiing?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54He's just sitting there going...
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Vroom! "Look at me, I'm going jet-skiing."
0:10:57 > 0:11:01They also found a photo album with photos of Condoleezza Rice in.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- This is the weirdest thing, yeah. - Yeah.- Yeah, an album full of...
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Actually, it was probably a prospectus from Black Beauties.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13When you rent somebody from Black Beauties, do they do the theme tune?
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Because that would, that would be cool.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17You rent? Is that how you see it? You rent them?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Don't forget to rewind your prostitute before you take her back.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25Oh, sorry, I'm sorry, am I stripping the dignity away from prostitution?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I apologise for that.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You're doing most of this for the government you know.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32After half an hour.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34After half an hour, I booked the hour.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I like your side-to-side rocking motion, Dara,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I'd suggest that's quite an unusual technique.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43But I don't know much about Ireland.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51This next round is our version of Question Time,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54called Ask The Politicians. I'll play the host.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Jo, Frankie and John,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58if you could move up among the audience, please, ready to ask
0:11:58 > 0:12:01your questions to the politicians sitting at the front here.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04If you could move in. Rory, you're Tony Benn.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Hugh, you're a Tory spokesman
0:12:06 > 0:12:09and, Al, you're the voice of the silent majority.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Can we have our first audience question from, I think,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17the intense Scottish man there, please.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Yes, could I ask the panel what single law
0:12:20 > 0:12:22they would introduce to make Britain a better place?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Tony Benn, would you like to come in on that?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28AS TONY BENN: Well, you see, straight away I wouldn't do a single law
0:12:28 > 0:12:31because I'd say a lot of laws because that's got an S in it
0:12:31 > 0:12:33but the best law I would say was Andrew Bonar Law,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37who was a Conservative Minister and became Chancellor Of The Exchequer in 1910.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Wonderful person, I met him and I met him first time
0:12:40 > 0:12:42and he was the first person who got me interested in politics.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45But the answer to the question, Mr Benn, if you could possibly?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Well, you see, there we go, we're concentrating on personalities and not on issues.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I think that's completely wrong and I'll come back to you later.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56OK. Tory, Hugh?
0:12:56 > 0:12:57No foreigners.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Is that what you'd say?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Well, I think it's time for the decent, honest, hard-working,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07law-abiding, tax-paying, normal, sensible, reasonable, down-to-earth,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10hard-working, normal, law-abiding, down-to-earth, sensible,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13reasonable people, hard-working, law-abiding, tax-paying,
0:13:13 > 0:13:19fleeced, decent, honest, hard-working, law-abiding, NORMAL, decent, reasonable, sensible,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22law-abiding, normal, hard-working people of this country,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25who don't want to pay their speeding fines, regardless...
0:13:25 > 0:13:30regardless how fast we may have been going the wrong way up the slip road
0:13:30 > 0:13:33on a phone, no seatbelt, no tax, no MOT, no insurance,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36whilst eating a burger and receiving oral sex on the telephone.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Haven't you got anything better to do officer?
0:13:39 > 0:13:43It's time for us...to speak!
0:13:46 > 0:13:47And...
0:13:52 > 0:13:55..bring back hanging, obviously.
0:13:56 > 0:14:01- OK. The lady there in the middle. You've a question?- Indeed.
0:14:01 > 0:14:07Now that Cub Scouts don't have to swear allegiance to the Queen and God any more,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10who do the panel think that they should swear allegiance to?
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Tony Benn.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I think you have to go a long way to beat Clement Attlee.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I do, you know, it was 1945, Labour manifesto, it's a poem.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22It's a wonderful poem. But no, or Asquith.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Asquith? OK. Attlee or Asquith?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I personally have sworn allegiance to a Cub Scout.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36He's absolutely lovely and he does marvellous things with his woggle.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39One phone call, you're on a register, you understand me?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Who would you pledge allegiance to, voice of the silent majority?
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Well, speaking for the people who would have shot that burglar a third time, I...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I mean, he shouldn't have done that anyway,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00he should have dug a pit with steel spikes and manure on the spikes
0:15:00 > 0:15:03and a rug on the top, in comes the burglar, falls in.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Who's there?!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- Who would I swear allegiance to? - Yeah.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Well, in fact, this is nonsense, isn't it? It's got to be the Queen.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17You've got to go back to the Queen. And I love the Royal Family and not just out of mindless loyalty.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- If not that, then what? - I fancy her.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Because they're all dirty, those German birds, aren't they?
0:15:26 > 0:15:30What are politicians clamouring to condemn this week?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Oh, it's Saddam's death.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It is the hanging of Saddam, yes.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36They couldn't have made it more undignified.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40They couldn't have made it more undignified if they'd hung him from a Swingball.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44"Yours, Saddam." "No, yours."
0:15:45 > 0:15:48But there was some good news, wasn't there?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Because the actual charges against him for his second court case, they've been dropped.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- They've been dropped, yes. - So that was good of them.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58They were thinking of charging him for those as well.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Double death maybe, but no...
0:16:00 > 0:16:03At worst, a mixed week for Saddam Hussein.
0:16:05 > 0:16:072007 has not gone well for him so far.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- How many of you actually watched it on YouTube, genuinely?- Oh yeah.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14- It's amazing, there was... - It was horrendous, it was disgusting, I only gave it two stars.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17It's true.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Because actually John Prescott was the person who came out
0:16:20 > 0:16:23and was the person to condemn it. But that's pretty bad
0:16:23 > 0:16:28if the only sort of moral conscience in your nation is a man who has done
0:16:28 > 0:16:32things to his body that has turned his internal organs into pate.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34A man who couldn't wear a tie
0:16:34 > 0:16:37and a belt on the same day or he'd turn into sausages.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42He's the moral heart of our country.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45What's really interesting, everyone was really upset about
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Blair going on holiday with the Bee Gees but this week there's actually
0:16:49 > 0:16:52a law going through that gives the major oil companies in the world
0:16:52 > 0:16:5575% of the profits in Iraq for the next 30 years.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58And you kind of go, well, that's the thing to get angry about,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00that's sort of proof that the war was illegal, isn't it?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- Yes, it is, it's... - It's not desperately funny, though.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05In another way, it's also the proof that the war was kind of worth it.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08At least we've got something out of it.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14You know, thousands of soldiers, just to murder some beardie guy?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Now, oil, that's worth a lot of money, I've heard.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- But they're saying, aren't they...? - Let's see him say that in front of a load of Guardian readers.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25"Kill him!" "Throw organic beans at him!"
0:17:27 > 0:17:30"I'm too weak, I'm too weak."
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I reckon it would have been good just to have put him
0:17:33 > 0:17:35in the Big Brother house. Imagine that.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I don't know if you've seen it, it's been rubbish this series.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Day three, Germaine and Saddam are moon-walking towards the diary room.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45He would have come in through a trap door in the ceiling.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Hey... Exactly.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52It would have been worth it just for the surprise on his face.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53"Hang on, hang on.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58"Wait a minute, what's Jade's mother doing here?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01"Argh, argh, argh! Quick."
0:18:04 > 0:18:08But we are apparently in the middle of a countryside crime wave, have you seen this?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10If I lived in the country, I'd be delighted
0:18:10 > 0:18:14if someone did a crime, because I'd be bored out of my mind.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Thank God you've turned up with a shotgun to steal my rhubarb.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Could you kill me on the way out?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Some bloke stole rhubarb from an allotment, you'd have to...
0:18:23 > 0:18:25They have to tag it, why don't they tag it?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28But imagine the phone call, just some deranged...
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"They've taken it, it's gone!
0:18:30 > 0:18:34"My prize-winning marrow! Is there no God?!" You have to feel sorry...
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Surely he could just put rhubarb down his sleeves and then go, arrgh!
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Like that.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41But you can't help but feel sorry for the...
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- That is the lowest rung of criminality, isn't it, do you know what I mean?- But have they...
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Let me finish! Just... I'm going to kill myself here.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- Woah, woah, woah! - Beautiful, vintage Mock The Week.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57He's brought up the subject just so someone else can do a joke on it.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Surely he might have been working towards a punch line.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Yeah, exactly. Fuck's sake. - You ignorant- BLEEP!- Go on!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Jesus!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Could we get a higher chair for the joke umpire?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I've a feeling the Microsoft paperclip's taken some cocaine,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21but I like it.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Wouldn't that be great? The little animation's kind of going...
0:19:25 > 0:19:28"Good, yeah, hmm. That's a really good letter."
0:19:28 > 0:19:33The point I was going to make is surely, right, fellas,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36but surely, if you're a bank robber, you're sexy, you're dangerous,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38you can get diamonds for your lover.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41If you steal from allotments, what hope have you got, you know?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43You've got dirt underneath your fingernails,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45all you have to offer is broccoli, you know.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50- I was wondering...- Hey, a woman who's going to have sex for broccoli is going to be dirty.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- I was wondering if one of the reasons they were trying to... - And possibly quite healthy.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Wouldn't that be...? Sorry to interrupt you, Andy, but wouldn't that be the...?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Wait! Wait!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- You ignorant- BLEEP!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Frankly, I wish to go on the record and say I have now lost control.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20The next topic is the War On Terror. Who wants in?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Frankie.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24George Bush says that
0:20:24 > 0:20:28when he retires he's going to make his living from speaking.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Yeah, play to your strengths, eh, George?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34That's like Abu Hamza having a career doing shadow puppets.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I watched the footage of Saddam being executed
0:20:44 > 0:20:46and it really made me think.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49It made me think, is there nothing on the internet
0:20:49 > 0:20:51that I won't masturbate to?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05They put his... They put his death on YouTube.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I mean, it's really got to bring it home to you as a great dictator
0:21:08 > 0:21:12when your death gets less hits than a fat Korean boy body-popping.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21OK. In other news, who has been granted a last-minute injunction?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- The travellers.- Yes.- Yes.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- At Dale Farm.- At Dale Farm.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29There is a sort of irony in the fact that the travellers don't want to go anywhere.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32It's sort of... I don't...
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I saw one of the women interviewed from the site and she said,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42"Putting a traveller in a house is like putting a traveller in a prison."
0:21:42 > 0:21:44But yet they're building them.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48You can put a traveller in a lodge.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49What is that character?!
0:21:49 > 0:21:50It's genetic.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52It sounds like one of the Terrahawks.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58"Ah, ha, ha, we're alone. We'll attack at dawn."
0:21:58 > 0:22:00They're always claiming this mysterious...
0:22:00 > 0:22:04You've gone through so many different countries with that accent as well.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Welsh, French. "What do we think?"
0:22:08 > 0:22:12To be fair, it did kind of sound, "I'll get you Smurfs."
0:22:12 > 0:22:15When I first heard about the story, I thought, "I really hate travellers,"
0:22:15 > 0:22:18and then I realised it's the Irish travellers,
0:22:18 > 0:22:22it's not those twats who go round the world for a year after university.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24And I kind of calmed down.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'd love to see the bailiffs going after them.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"No! You'll never take my dream-catcher away from me!"
0:22:31 > 0:22:33It's not a dream-catcher, it's string.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36It's a shockingly disappointing gap year, though,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- if you end up in Basildon, isn't it? - Basildon, yes.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43It depends where you start, I suppose.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47That's why the people of Basildon are so upset -
0:22:47 > 0:22:50they're just sick and tired of these posh people moving into the area.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Who else has come out in support of them?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Everybody, loads of people. When I first turned the news on, there were two bishops
0:23:00 > 0:23:02and an actress turning up to a caravan site.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04I was hoping for some low-budget '70s porn.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Didn't turn up.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09And then Gloria Hunniford, who it turns out wasn't there in support
0:23:09 > 0:23:13of them, she was there for her new show, Wish They Weren't Here.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21The arrival of the bailiffs was one of the biggest anti climaxes
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I've ever seen.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25There was about 30 of them
0:23:25 > 0:23:27and they had one 1970's loud-hailer between them.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30And the lead bailiff went, "Is there anything...?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34"Is there anything I can say to persuade you to leave?"
0:23:34 > 0:23:38And there was like a Life Of Brian pause and one of them went,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40"Speak up."
0:23:40 > 0:23:45He went, "Is there anything I can say to persuade you to leave?"
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Then there was another pause and someone went, "Fuck off!"
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- It was amazing.- No, but you could hear the woman, she went,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54"I'll put a curse on you, I'll put a curse."
0:23:54 > 0:23:57They're always giving it the curse thing, aren't they?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59The minute it kicks off - "I'll put a curse on you."
0:23:59 > 0:24:03"I saw you coming through my crystal ball, so I did."
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Now everybody watching this has got their remote control going,
0:24:06 > 0:24:10"There's something wrong with the sound. I've no idea."
0:24:10 > 0:24:12The first subject is,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A TV Detective Show.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20The suspect has got a gun! But it's OK, Gazza's arrived
0:24:20 > 0:24:23and he's brought chicken and a fishing rod.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29I'm not doing it.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33This is a mid-winter murder, it's freezing, it's not in the contract.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Well, as you can see from the samples we've taken,
0:24:39 > 0:24:43that we've scraped from under her fingernails, she was manky.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50IN NORTHERN ACCENT: He were a policeman that got hit by a car
0:24:50 > 0:24:53and thought that he'd woken up in 1970.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55He were wrong, it were present day.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57This is CSI Hull.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Sergeant, if you look closely, there are semen stains all over these bed sheets.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Let's book into the Holiday Inn instead.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Inspector, has anyone ever said that you look an awful lot
0:25:14 > 0:25:17like David Jason from Only Fools And Horses?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Yes, Miss Marple, we've had the lab results back
0:25:24 > 0:25:26and it's very interesting. Actually, it's thrush.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33He fits the profile.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36This is going to be a really boring episode of Hole In The Wall.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44You're probably wondering why I've asked you all to gather here in the library.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Sorry? (Sorry.)
0:25:48 > 0:25:53- IN HUSHED TONES:- You're probably wondering why I've asked you to gather in the library.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59"It's the TV presenter Noel Edmonds."
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"Have you any idea why he was killed?"
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"It's the TV presenter Noel Edmonds!"
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Ken Stott is Detective Inspector David Sod in Sod's Law.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Well, we know now who's responsible for the killing. It's society, yeah?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Yeah, you want to think about that, hmm?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33The body is that of Eamonn Holmes.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35We may need a little more chalk.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43OK, the nest topic is, Unlikely Things To Hear In A Police Station.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49'Ere, Sarge, the microwave's broken again,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51taser that meat pie for me, will you?
0:26:55 > 0:26:56I know it's unlikely,
0:26:56 > 0:27:00but I don't suppose anybody has handed in Colonel Gaddafi, have they?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I noticed the burglar making his escape.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10At this moment, I cursed the police cut-backs
0:27:10 > 0:27:12and gave chase shouting...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15HE DOES IMPRESSION OF A SIREN
0:27:18 > 0:27:21All units be on the lookout for a purple Renault Clio,
0:27:21 > 0:27:26registration number Saffron, Doily, 22, Bonjela, Chrysanthemum, Hiya!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32No, we didn't manage to evict many of them, Sarge,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35but the good news is, I got some lucky heather.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42No, I've not come to report a crime, it's just that
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I really miss The Bill, so I thought I'd pop in for an hour.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54'Ere, Sarge, pass us the art section out of the Guardian, will you, mate?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Right, listen up, we've got a new man starting. He's half man, half horse.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02It's Inspector Morse.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Ah, yes, our new 50-inch plasma screen TV.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12It is rather nice, isn't it?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Well, if you can't beat 'em, eh?
0:28:17 > 0:28:21I am charging you with the murder of Mrs Thompson.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23That'll be £7.19, please.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Right, listen up, there's a giant fly attacking the station.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31I've called the SWAT team.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Thank God you've arrived, officer,
0:28:39 > 0:28:45some bloke just jumped into the boot of my car and shot himself 14 times.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51I was about to arrest her, Sarge, but, to be honest, my bottle went
0:28:51 > 0:28:55because she shouted out, "I'll put a curse upon you, I'll put a curse upon you!"
0:28:56 > 0:29:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd