0:00:03 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:28 > 0:00:31This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37On the board are six categories.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Mark, which category would you like?
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Science.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43OK, your category is Science. The answer is...
0:00:43 > 0:00:442025.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46What is the question?
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Is it when will the stadium for the 2012 Olympics be ready?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Is it, what year will black people and white people finally live
0:00:55 > 0:00:59side by side in harmony in Chinese concentration camps?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Is it, what is my pin number?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Yes, it is, it is.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Is it, my dad took a dump in my toilet the other week,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12when will it be safe to go back in there?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Or, how many times is the word "umbrella"
0:01:15 > 0:01:17repeated in that bloody song?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22What year will cities gain sentience and raise themself
0:01:22 > 0:01:26on hydraulic legs to begin the long battle for resources?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Is there any...- Frankie's vision of the future is terrifying.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Is there any vision of the future you have which involves us
0:01:32 > 0:01:35living in peace and harmony, having transcended war?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Oh, I've just noticed, we're on a dying fucking planet, Dara!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:42It's not just me.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44What do you mean, "It's not just you?!"
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Anyone who's paid close attention to how the world's going,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52will know that environmentally you should reuse your plastic bags
0:01:52 > 0:01:54to suffocate your children.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- And Frankie is, he is a father. - It's no surprise...
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- He is a father. - It's no surprise this show isn't repeated during CBBC,
0:02:04 > 0:02:05it really isn't.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I'd say the year, it's got to be the year, hasn't it?
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Yeah, it is the year.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Is it something to do with cities on hydraulic legs?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- It's nothing to do with cities or hydraulic legs.- Are you sure?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18There won't... No. No, no, with the cities on hydraulic legs.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Is it in what year can I book a scuba diving tour of Holland?
0:02:24 > 0:02:28That's assuming it hasn't risen up on its own legs and pissed off.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31"Where's Holland?" "Frankie, you should know."
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Holland's not a city! It's not going to have any legs.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39In the year 2025, it will be the only city left in mainland Europia!
0:02:39 > 0:02:43In the giant war against the ocean countries.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48OK, I'll give you... I'll give you a clue.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Nothing apocalyptic whatsoever.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- I think I might know it.- Do you?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- I'm dull enough to know that, because I read this. - (Hydraulic legs.)
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- We need these points. - It's something do with hydraulic... I think it's the...
0:03:06 > 0:03:09If it's not about hydraulic legs, we'll be very disappointed.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Is it not the year...
0:03:10 > 0:03:14The Russians have said something about launching a moon mission, haven't they?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- They have, yes.- And they, I think, have said that is the date.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22A mere 66 years after the Americans managed it.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23They're going to land...
0:03:23 > 0:03:25What exactly is it?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27They're going to land a man on the moon.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Absolutely right there. Well done, Hugh.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31You're absolutely right, it is that, yes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33APPLAUSE
0:03:33 > 0:03:34The question I was looking for is -
0:03:34 > 0:03:39when do the Russians intend to begin building a permanent lunar base?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43This is the announcement by Russian Space Agency, Roscosmos - cool name -
0:03:43 > 0:03:46that a manual space flight in 2025
0:03:46 > 0:03:48will lead to an inhabited station on the moon.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50The station will provide a base
0:03:50 > 0:03:53from which to plan a trip to Mars by 2035.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55It would also be a convenient place to travel
0:03:55 > 0:03:58if your city was on hydraulic legs.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01They do get up to some rubbish in space though, don't they?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03The last American thing is that they sent a probe, didn't they,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06the size of a washing machine into a comet.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09And you're thinking, "Well, what was the point of that?"
0:04:09 > 0:04:12And then you think, "Well, it would be better than the British would manage,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16"they would just go a bit cut price and send in a washing machine from Comet."
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- We're going to be hit by a comet soon, aren't we?- No.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I think let's not panic people at home by starting,
0:04:23 > 0:04:27starting a discussion with "We're going to be hit by a comet soon."
0:04:27 > 0:04:29It's all right, I sensationalised the story.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31You did rather, yes, there is an asteroid.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Have you all heard about this asteroid?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Yeah.- It's another huge disappointment of them going,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"Oh, we're going... The world's going to end."
0:04:39 > 0:04:43And yet again, it doesn't end. I'm fed up with that.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45We're going to be fine with the whole asteroid thing,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47because our cities can just raise themselves.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51I'm not sure how they're going to manage that, but yeah.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54That'd be fantastic, them shooting down and doing a little slink.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58- There must be some system of concentrated power...- This asteroid's going to be great though
0:04:58 > 0:05:01because you remember in the tsunami, that all the animals ran inland
0:05:01 > 0:05:04because they knew something was up with the tsunami.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Imagine what'll happen if the earth is going to get hit by a massive asteroid. We'll just be going,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12"Has anyone else noticed that monkeys have started smoking?"
0:05:14 > 0:05:17In other news, which celebrity's voice has been voted top
0:05:17 > 0:05:19in a recent survey to find the nation's favourite sat nav voice?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I think you're over-selling this, but is it Sir Sean Connery by any chance?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- It's meant to be Sir Sean Connery. There was a poll.- Tell us, Dara.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- I don't really want to. Who did he beat into second place? - Was it Dara?- He beat you.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31He beat me, he beat me into second place.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35That's it, and who was in third place? George Clooney.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Yeah.- Eh. - Yeah, yeah, I beat Clooney, yeah.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Well done.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46And he... He is gutted.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50And how long has your mother been running these surveys?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Why would you want Dara on your sat nav? He never stops, he's like, "And turn left here, turn left.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57"Now, you want to turn left, you want to turn left.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01"You won't get there unless you turn, you have turned left there. Anyway..."
0:06:05 > 0:06:07"What do you do for a living? What do you do, what do you do?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10"We'll go straight over the roundabout, that's the second exit."
0:06:10 > 0:06:13My great problem is that I haven't been living here that long,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I'm likely to go, "Oh, um, no, I don't know where that is actually."
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I think, Dara, do you know why I think you should have won,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22because your name is an anagram of I A Road Brain.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I...?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Your name is an anagram of...
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- Of I...- I A Road Brain. - I A Road Brain.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I A Road Brain?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Yeah, Micky's looking forward to Carol Vorderman's warm-up act.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45You know, I've not got a lot on at the moment.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I once, this sounds a bit clangy,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I once got an email from Stephen Fry telling me that he was sitting in an
0:06:50 > 0:06:54airport in Africa and did I know my surname was an anagram of Nairobi?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59It was very difficult to know what to write back.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Thanks, Stephen...
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You're very much mistaken if you think that sounds like a Clanger.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Ooh-oh! That sounds like a Clanger.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08OK, thank you.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Ooh-oh!- Stop doing Clanger noises.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Ooh-oh-ooh-oh-oh!
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Sorry? Ooh-ooh-oh!
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Ooh-oh!
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Ooh!
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Where's the Soup Dragon?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Ooh!
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- The next subject is Technology. Who wants to come in on that? Josh. - I'll take that.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45People say technology is moving forwards,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47but I'm not sure about this.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I'm increasingly finding myself at these cash points where
0:07:49 > 0:07:52they can't even be bothered to make the buttons line up with the screen.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57There is no stress in the world like that.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Stood there going, "Please, God, let this be 20 quid,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"if this is 40 quid I might as well just kill myself."
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Worse, if it's one of the cash points where you go up
0:08:06 > 0:08:08and the screen is angled so the sun is on it.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10You go up for 20 quid, you leave with a new pin number
0:08:10 > 0:08:12and a cheque book in the post.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I don't want to cancel, I don't want to clear, I don't know which, what's the difference.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19You get your card back, trying to put it back in and people are going,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22"Piss off, mate, it's not Winner Stays On."
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I'm already stressed as well, when I'm at a cash point,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29because I've already had to stand there for ten seconds.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Unable to put my card in, because it's still thanking the guy that's already pissed off.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Who is hanging around for that?!
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Yeah, I've got my card, I've got my cash, hold on, guys.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Well, it's been an absolute bloody pleasure doing business with you, thank you.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Thank you very much, Josh, well done.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52On an apocalyptic note, why do some people fear that the
0:08:52 > 0:08:54end of the world is going to happen next Wednesday?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Because it might well do,
0:08:56 > 0:09:00because they've created a giant black hole machine in Switzerland!
0:09:00 > 0:09:05- OK.- A machine that could create a black hole that will end the universe.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Wow!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Well, that is the greatest bit of timing I've ever seen in my life.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15OK, it's the Large Hadron Collider in CERN in Switzerland,
0:09:15 > 0:09:17it starts on Wednesday.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Or to give it its proper name, the Black Hole Machine.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- They've taken, they've taken all necessary precautions, right. - No, they haven't!
0:09:25 > 0:09:29They haven't taken the necessary precaution of not doing it though, have they?!
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- Do you know what I mean? - There's a one in 50 million chance that it could create a black hole
0:09:33 > 0:09:35which will end the universe.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Now I would argue that if there's any chance of that,
0:09:37 > 0:09:42like if my kid said to me, "Can I get a train set up in the loft?"
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I would go, "OK."
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"Could I get a train set that might end the universe?"
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I'd say, "Hmm, what about a bike?"
0:09:50 > 0:09:53So you'd prefer it if they got the protons and then cycled them
0:09:53 > 0:09:55round the tunnel on a bicycle? Like that?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58The thing is, I'm sure they're going to find out some interesting
0:09:58 > 0:10:00things about protons, but I would add,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I don't give a fuck.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- I think if the... - I think they've taken all the necessary safety precautions, right.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11It might create a tiny black hole, right, which is the worst type of black hole,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15because we'll all get drawn slowly towards Switzerland,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18and every week this desk will be like two feet further over there.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21And then eventually we'll just look one week
0:10:21 > 0:10:24and Russell will have been replaced by just the jaws of infinity.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Why was that directed at me, Frankie?!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30"The jaws of infinity," I thought we were going to see a cow and
0:10:30 > 0:10:33chocolate and we'd be in Switzerland, but all of a sudden my eyeballs
0:10:33 > 0:10:37are sucked out of my face, just for sitting nearest to the audience.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- You thought that... - Why am I the first to go?!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43You're nearest to Switzerland, we tilted it around during the show
0:10:43 > 0:10:45so that you'd be the one closest to Switzerland.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Well, this is bullshit now!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Specifically.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50No-one's going to die. It's basically...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53He's just told me I'm going to die on telly.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57My God, I hope we have the cameras rolling when it happens, that would be incredible.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Just him going, wah! And clinging onto the desk, right,
0:11:00 > 0:11:06while we hammer on his fingers, "Go, go proudly! No! Go, Russell, go now!"
0:11:06 > 0:11:10You'll be like that, "There's more space on Scenes We'd Like To Seeeeee."
0:11:10 > 0:11:12It's just not going to work though, is it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Because what they're looking for is a thing called the Higgs Boson, is that right?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Yes. Yes, it is. - Which is a subatomic particle, which is, you know,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22lasts for a million trillionths of a second, it's incredibly small,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24and most of the scientists I have ever met would have trouble
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- finding a clitoris, they're not going to find that, are they?- OK.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30They don't find the Higgs Boson by just rooting around
0:11:30 > 0:11:33and checking on their desks,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36which is, "I'm sure there's a Higgs Boson here somewhere."
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Are you saying that's your method for finding the clitoris?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42"Well, I'll root around and if it's not there, I'll check the desk."
0:11:42 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Our next round is called Newsreel,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49we play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:11:49 > 0:11:52and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54This week's clip features Peter Mandelson.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Well, welcome Lord Mandelson to the New Labour election HQ,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01we've got everything that you asked for.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04We've got an area for phone polling, we've got an area for leaflets,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06we've got an area for envelope stuffing
0:12:06 > 0:12:11and, of course, we have begun work, as requested, on the machine.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16- MANDELSON:- Oh, the machine. When will it be finished?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Well, we've just started the installation,
0:12:18 > 0:12:20it should be ready by the middle of next month.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Ah, as soon as that? That's beyond my wildest imagination.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Just one question though, we're not quite sure, you know,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28what is the machine?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30The machine?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Yes, well, we've never built one, so you know,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35what exactly does the machine...
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Let me explain the machine.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Soon my enemies will be rounded up and fed into the machine.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47It will suck their brains dry
0:12:47 > 0:12:51and I will be the most powerful politician in the world!
0:12:51 > 0:12:55It's just a machine for sucking dry the brains of politicians, is that how...
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Yes.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01And this is where I will watch it from.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Revenge will be mine, Harry Potter.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08Are you going to put glass in this? Only I don't want to get splashed.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Well done, Hugh.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:18 > 0:13:21And it's Telecommunications.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23From the past.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Now, what can I say?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Well, yes, phone calls, of course, you phone people who you know, this is the idea.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You phone people cos you need to phone them, but sometimes
0:13:31 > 0:13:35you speak to people you don't know and you'll have the wrong number conversation,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37something we all enjoy maybe two or three times a year.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39One of you thinks it's the right number.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43So you're phoning somebody you think you know cos you don't dial numbers at random,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46this isn't how the system works. You don't pick up the phone and dial the digits and go,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48"Oh, I hope it's Dave." That's not how it works, OK.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51It isn't Dave. "I'll try again!" That's not how it works.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53What happens is that you dial the number.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Say, for example, you're calling Sue, you might have spoken to Sue
0:13:55 > 0:13:59earlier in the day, it might be one of those, "I'll call you right back, Sue"
0:13:59 > 0:14:02and then the number rings, it gets picked up, "Hello?"
0:14:02 > 0:14:04But you still go, "Sue?"
0:14:04 > 0:14:09Even though you're 99.9% sure that can't be Sue, you think,
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Sue's the only name I have.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I'll run with Sue on this on the off chance they go,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17"It is Sue, something terrible has happened to me since you called me.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18"Thank God you phoned!"
0:14:19 > 0:14:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:22 > 0:14:26In other news, what have scientists been worked up about?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30They've been worked up by the fact that apparently Einstein might be wrong
0:14:30 > 0:14:33and that maybe something can travel faster than light.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38And I'm not surprised by this, because I have got those energy-saving light bulbs.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44And what I like to do is turn them all on at two o'clock in the afternoon,
0:14:44 > 0:14:49because that way, by the time it gets dark they're throwing out a bit of light.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I love that picture of Einstein.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02I always think they've just air-brushed Marilyn Monroe out of the photo.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I think what they've air-brushed out of that is, in fact,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08a nine volt battery and he's having a fantastic time.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Einstein and the speed of light... Here's what I don't get.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Dara, you know about this sort of stuff.- A little bit. Go on.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17The whole thing is apparently time isn't constant.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Like, if you're travelling, like... time slows down.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Yes, time is speed...
0:15:22 > 0:15:27And the way that he proved it was based on the fact that the speed of light is constant.
0:15:27 > 0:15:33So, maybe, how can the speed of something be constant if time itself is not,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35when speed is measured using time?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39But is the time outside the frame of reference of the thing that's travelling?
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Is there anybody in the audience whose brain is currently hurting?
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- It's space time, isn't it? - If you're a beam of light, "the" beam of light...
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I am. I am a shining beam of light.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52No, Ed. You're a beautiful snowflake.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Hello! It's all going to kick off later on, isn't it?
0:15:57 > 0:16:01If you're a beam of light, there is no time for you. It appears everywhere simultaneously.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04What do you mean, "There's no time for you".
0:16:04 > 0:16:06If you're a beam of light, it is your time to shine!
0:16:06 > 0:16:10OK. OK, I'm not turning this into Glee, right.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Which is where you want to go with this, right? So you just...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Are you saying that the speed of light...
0:16:16 > 0:16:19How fast is the speed of light relative to say hot cakes?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Is it faster? Or what about a rat up a drain pipe?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Faster or slower than shit off a shovel?
0:16:24 > 0:16:29Seemingly marginally slower than the shit off the shovel, but rats still can't match it.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I heard that the neutrinos travelled from Switzerland to Italy
0:16:32 > 0:16:35faster than Nazi gold at the end of the world war.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40While they were travelling, was time not different for them?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Yeah, for them, but not... Oh Jesus!
0:16:43 > 0:16:44LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:46For them, yes.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Ed, don't worry your head about it, you're a beautiful snowflake.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51What I like about this
0:16:51 > 0:16:54is that loads of people who have no understanding of physics
0:16:54 > 0:16:58have had to sit down and try and work out really complicated things.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Previously to this, I thought that Einstein's theory of relativity
0:17:02 > 0:17:07and his theory of special relativity meant cousins no, second cousins yes.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I don't think light actually travels that fast.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I don't know if you've tried running with a torch.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- It's all very complicated, isn't it?- I-I don't profess...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- Yes, Ed. It is. - I don't profess to completely...
0:17:23 > 0:17:27I would love that to be people's final word on the whole thing.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It's all very complicated!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32It's all very complicated, so don't worry your pretty little head.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37The subject is Technology. Chris.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39We really take technology for granted now.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43We live in an age of miracles. Not that you would know this,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46because we take everything, just as it's owed to us.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Wireless. You've got wireless, right, in your house, yes?
0:17:49 > 0:17:50AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Some of the older people are going, "Of course. How do you think I listen to the Archers?"
0:17:54 > 0:18:00I leave it on permanently in case they declare war. I'm not getting caught out twice, I'm not, I'm not."
0:18:00 > 0:18:04I don't mean wireless, I mean wifi, right. Wireless, fireless, right.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08When you first saw wireless fireless, you thought, "Look! Look at that, look!
0:18:08 > 0:18:13"That is the science fiction of my childhood available to me now in my adult years.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"Thank you, thank you, oh providential universe.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18"To be alive at a time such as this is a privilege! "
0:18:18 > 0:18:22And now within half an hour, you're going, "Work, you bastard!"
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Half an hour is the time between miracle and basic human rights, as far as we're concerned.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33We're pathetic. You can be in your front room watching "Hole In The Wall", right,
0:18:33 > 0:18:38with your laptop there, every piece of information you could possibly want in the universe
0:18:38 > 0:18:41is available to be beamed through the dust of your sitting room
0:18:41 > 0:18:44to right in front of your chops.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46That is a bona fide miracle.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48It goes down for 40 seconds
0:18:48 > 0:18:53and we go, "Oh, my God! This is like living in a third world country!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56"I wish I was dead!"
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Two weeks ago we discussed the activation of the large Hadron Collider in Switzerland
0:19:03 > 0:19:08and the possibly worrying consequences, such as Russell being dragged into a black hole.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10He's the one nearest Switzerland.
0:19:10 > 0:19:16In response to that, Felix, aged 11 from Watford, sent in this picture.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Oh, God! Holy...!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24LAUGHTER
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Now, it is, as you can tell,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30the Mock the Week studio being attacked by Daleks.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Details you should observe...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Russell doesn't fall into the black hole,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37but he gets vaporised by the Daleks first.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40But the black hole is just behind him here.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I don't fair much better, to be honest.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I'm killed by a Dalek over my shoulder.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47The worrying detail Felix has picked up on
0:19:47 > 0:19:51is Frankie's role, where Frankie is, in fact, King of the Daleks.
0:19:53 > 0:19:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I'm not the King of the Daleks, I'm their creator, Dara.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Welcome to my Dalek poetry reading.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10SPEAKING LIKE A DALEK
0:20:10 > 0:20:13This one is called Daffodils!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Exterminate daffodils!
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Now we play a game called Picture of the Week.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I show the panel a topical image and ask them what's happening.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31So, teams, what is going on here?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Is it, Dyson unveils most powerful vacuum cleaner yet?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Is it the centrefold of Engineering Porn Monthly?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Is it preparation continues for Eric Pickles' colonic irrigation?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Is it best contestant ever on Scrap Heap Challenge?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Is that man saying,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"Well, if this thing falls on me, at least I've got a hat on?"
0:21:01 > 0:21:02LAUGHTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:06That is regrettably the only printer that my computer will recognise.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Goal-line technology bigger than expected?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Anyone got the correct answer?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Is it the fitting of Eamonn Holmes's gastric band?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Is it something to do with science?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:29It is. Well done, touche.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Is it the Cern Higgs Boson thing?
0:21:31 > 0:21:38Yes. Yes, I'm going to accept that. it is the Cern Higgs Boson thing.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44Yes, it is the Cern Higgs Boson thing, also known as the Large Hadron Collider.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Physicists at Cern in Switzerland have declared that there is overwhelming evidence
0:21:48 > 0:21:53that they have discovered a new particle that bears all the hallmarks of the Higgs Boson.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57It is considered one of the most important scientific advances in a century.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02Before I get you to comment on this, I'd just like you to bear in mind that in the audience tonight
0:22:02 > 0:22:05we have Professor Higgs, who has come all the way from...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07There! There she is!
0:22:07 > 0:22:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:14 > 0:22:16That's very very good, congratulations.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:18 > 0:22:22An incredibly unbelievably shy woman, she really is.
0:22:22 > 0:22:28For many years she has, in public only wanted to appear as an old man.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Stop pointing the camera at that poor randomly chosen woman.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34So that we... There he is! There he is!
0:22:34 > 0:22:37That is him. There's her as we normally know her.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I reckon that you've got some glasses down there,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42you could have a crack at that one as well.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I am not doing every face that we do in the show.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51They found the Higgs Boson. Professor Higgs predicted...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Oh, I'm not. I'm not going to do this, right.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I cannot look like everything that we discover on this show.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER
0:23:08 > 0:23:10It looks like Jonathan King. Jonathan King.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15He's an astonishing bloke, the Professor?
0:23:15 > 0:23:20- Did he not teach Eliza Doolittle to speak properly in My Fair Lady? - He did, he's been busy.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23The funniest thing is that he lectures in Edinburgh University
0:23:23 > 0:23:27and until recently he's been the Scottish physicist Professor Higgs,
0:23:27 > 0:23:32but now it's been found and he's successful, he's suddenly the British physicist, Professor Higgs.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33That's one for Andy Murray!
0:23:35 > 0:23:36It was lovely though.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39He didn't expect it to happen in his lifetime.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42He travelled, he's 83, he proposed this idea over 40 years ago.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47He travelled to Switzerland to see the announcement, and it's nice to have a happy story
0:23:47 > 0:23:50about an 83-year-old travelling to Switzerland.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:56 > 0:23:59If you complete that word at the back of his head, it just says Jedi.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04LOUD LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- Do you know what he did when he found out?- He, er. I've no idea.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- He cried.- Of course he cried. Everyone cries now.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12It's all tears now. Boo hoo.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Things have gone well, things have gone badly, wah, wah, wah!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20That's why there's no more hosepipe ban.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Boo hoo hoo, let's all flood... It's all tears now.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Did he not think I'm going to splash out on a Megabus back to Edinburgh?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Why is this going to be bad news for Stephen Hawking?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35This is because he's lost a bet, a hundred dollar bet.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38He said that they'd never find the Higgs Boson particle.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40You have to say, the person who he's had a bet with,
0:24:40 > 0:24:45you'd have to be a bit of a bastard to take the money off him, wouldn't you?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48You wouldn't bet Stephen Hawking a hundred dollars.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Surely, if you were going to bet him anything, you'd bet him a go on his chair.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58We may have gone over the line. We'll just check Hawkeye.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Stephen Hawkeye would be a great thing, though, wouldn't it?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"It was out. The ball was out."
0:25:06 > 0:25:11"It was out. It has been out for billions of years."
0:25:12 > 0:25:16The strange thing about Stephen Hawking is that he's a British person
0:25:16 > 0:25:21who we know as having an American accent, which must be an astonishing thing for his brain.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24He must have a memory of his own voice, yet this thing comes out.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27It makes me feel sorry for him, but at least it's not a Brummie accent.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32Nobody would have believed him, would they? "I've got a theory." "Have you, Stephen.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36"A good theory about time." "Is it? Off you go then."
0:25:41 > 0:25:48OK, the next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear In A Science Documentary.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Having cloned Ian Wright,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53we now know that two Ian Wright's don't make an Ian Wrong.
0:25:57 > 0:26:03Erectile dysfunction. Physical problem? Or has the wife just let herself go a bit?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Well, this is incredible.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14This is a whole new species of miniature tiger.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Oh no, hang on, it's a cat.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Ahem, now pay attention, here comes the shampoo bit.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29We discovered the source of the quark.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32It's the sound made by a posh duck.
0:26:36 > 0:26:42This is a red dwarf. His name is Antony Worrall Thompson.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Welcome to the Sky At Night, and if we look out we... Oh, hell!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Croydon's on fire!
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Despite getting a very bad press, biological weapons work at much lower temperatures
0:27:00 > 0:27:02than non-biological weapons.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11Without Penicillin, well I'd still be cursing that day I went to Bangkok.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Tonight we look at the ginger community.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Physical anomaly or God's cruel joke?
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Ah, the Northern Lights. Oh no, Manchester's on fire.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46But will they find a cure in time?
0:27:46 > 0:27:52The last hope for mankind lies with scientists here at the Laboratoire Garnier.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Tonight on Show Me The Evidence,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01we look at the traveller community.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Can they really put a curse on you?
0:28:13 > 0:28:16And as the sperm swim towards the eggs,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19it's hard not to think that I've ruined this fried breakfast.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35I'm never again going to have a fried breakfast.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Look at that, just sorted it out.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54You just, pulled the fucking cable out. I could have done that!
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd