0:00:03 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:31This programme contains some strong language
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37On the board are six categories. Jack, which category would you like?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- Travel, please. - OK, your category is Travel.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43The answer is 1 in 500, what is the question?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Is it, after how many miles
0:00:45 > 0:00:48would the Proclaimers realise they'd a massive mistake?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50LAUGHTER
0:00:50 > 0:00:55Is it, how many of my sexual fantasies involve my partner?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58LAUGHTER
0:00:58 > 0:01:01To be honest, in that one, she's introducing me to her sister.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:10Is it, how many traffic wardens will make it to the kingdom of heaven?
0:01:10 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Is it, how many documentaries on the History Channel
0:01:14 > 0:01:18aren't about pharaohs or the Nazis?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21How many Star Trek fans have touched a real woman?
0:01:21 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Why did you say that in such a camp way?!
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Is it, how many Daily Mail readers
0:01:30 > 0:01:34have first hand experience of what they're outraged by?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37What is the last response you want to the question,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39what are my chances, doctor?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Is it, is it the number of London Midland trains
0:01:45 > 0:01:47that were running last Sunday?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50You're absolutely right, Andy Parsons. Thank you very much.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57how many of London Midland's Sunday train services
0:01:57 > 0:01:59were running as normal last weekend?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Thousands of people were forced to cancel travel plans
0:02:01 > 0:02:04and put up with replacement buses after London Midland cancelled
0:02:04 > 0:02:06all but one of its 500 services.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Are there 500 trains going to Birmingham on a Sunday?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12No, it's not. All over the Midlands, there wasn't...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14That would be like, sorry, you've missed that train,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17but there's another one along in 8.6 seconds.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Why would ANYBODY be going to Birmingham on a Sunday?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Who's going? Grief counsellors?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26They've got no trains running, but they do have replacement buses.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28And you know, well, just get them to drive the train,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31because surely a bus is a bit harder, you've got to steer.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34The train is just forward, stop, forward, stop.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37It can't be... Have you ever seen a more depressed sight
0:02:37 > 0:02:40than when you see a train driver come into a tube station?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43They're not happy people, are they? You just see them like that. Ugh...
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Lights. Ugh... Darkness...
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Don't make the darkness appear again.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- Nooo! I'm in the tunnel again! - LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:54They're amazing, aren't they?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57They're also not incompetent on trains, absolutely not.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00They're incredibly imaginative, because they come up with,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03if a train is delayed, they come up with the most fantastic reasons.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05And the one I loved, I was on a train once...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07stuck outside Peterborough and it went on and went,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"We apologise for the wait outside Peterborough.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"This was due...to a delay."
0:03:13 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Do you not get annoyed by the noise? It drives me mental.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19You know the bit where the buffet guy comes on
0:03:19 > 0:03:21and just sort of lists the stuff that's in the buffet?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25He's not even memorised, he sort of goes like, "Chocolate bars...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"Cups of tea...like, sandwiches..."
0:03:28 > 0:03:31There's only like six things, just memorise it.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Or just don't tell us at all,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35because it's the sort of stuff you'd expect to find in a buffet car.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Why would you need to be told? When you walk into a shop they don't go,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"Hello, welcome to the shop. We have magazines there, sweets here.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- "We have cigarettes behind me here." - We know what's in a buffet.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48We'll be surprised if you've got a PARTRIDGE down there.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50But what's great is when there's someone who's too eager.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54There's some sandwiches in here just crying out to be eaten. Over.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I heard another fantastic announcement which was outside...
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Gloucester or somewhere, coming into Gloucester, and it went,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"We apologise for the delay outside Gloucester.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04"This is due to chronic
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"under-investment in the rail industry."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:12And in other news, who is the real power broker,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14who's the king maker in parking in this country?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- Is it NCP?- No, it's not NCP.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Who's the one single individual who wields more power
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- over parking in this country than anyone else?- Boris Johnson.- No.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26It is, according to Parking Review, it's Hugh Dennis.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Yeah.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:31 > 0:04:33That's right.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38This magazine, which was sent to me anonymously...
0:04:38 > 0:04:42features ten separate photographs of Hugh Dennis
0:04:42 > 0:04:43on its pages at the moment.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Yeah, I did the National Parking Awards.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51- Who wins a National Parking Award? - They did Best Multi-Storey.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54That was in there. Have you not done the National Parking Awards?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I've not done the National Parking Awards.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57I didn't know that this was a bonus of it.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I'm going to seek out the National Parking Awards.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Sorry, sorry, when you say "parking",
0:05:02 > 0:05:06do you mean...like, in a car, reversing into a slot?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Yeah? Is that, you're talking...? Right, OK.- Yeah.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11They had awards and Hugh handed them out.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I handed them out, yeah.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Well, I gave them all tickets, to be honest. I didn't...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:20OK. Here is a picture of England Manager, Roy Hodgson,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22but can anyone sum this up with a phrase?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Is it, the world's most disappointing lap dance?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Is he saying, is he saying,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32"Richmond, Rickmansworth, Rayners Lane,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"thank goodness I'm going to Wembley."
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Waiting in the tunnel before the game
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Roy Hodgson begins to suspect he may be in the wrong tunnel.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Looking at the whole picture, is it,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49the London Underground, where sexy singles meet?
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Is it when he took the job and they said, said he could have a driver
0:05:56 > 0:06:00to take him to matches, he should have asked a few more questions.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Are they saying, "We apologise for the delay,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07"Luis Suarez has dived in front of the train."
0:06:07 > 0:06:12Whoops, I've just put a yellow javelin through this man's head.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15What was the story with him?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Well he was on, he was on the Tube
0:06:17 > 0:06:21and he was on his way to the Emirates and someone asked him a question
0:06:21 > 0:06:25and he broke the unwritten code of talking to people on the Tube.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Yes.- Which you never ever do. You're not allowed to do that.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30If you're a Londoner, you simply do not talk to people on the Tube,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34unless you've got a dog. And someone says something to you.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36It wasn't that people were angry that he'd given away any
0:06:36 > 0:06:39confidences about the selection or non-selection of Rio Ferdinand.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41It was just that he broke the beautiful rule of...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Yeah, you don't talk to people on the Tube.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45On the Tube, you have to sit like this.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Oh now I recognise you.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Can I borrow your Metro? Thanks.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Surely it was just a misunderstanding.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Somebody said to Roy Hodgson...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Sorry, Hugh hasn't arrived at his destination yet.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- We're sort of hoping he arrives soon.- My stop.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12He said that he's never going to talk to anyone on the Tube again.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I want to be there when a tourist comes up to him
0:07:15 > 0:07:18and goes, "Is this Marble Arch?" And he has to go...
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Well, it's the only way they'll learn.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26We've all had to go through that.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Hello, Londoner, I'm just over from Ireland.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I was wondering what train I should...oh, you're going, OK.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I'll try another one, I said.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I would talk to you, Mr O Briain.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I would take you to your destination and carry your bags.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Thank you very much, but you are a foreigner.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I have been here too long and now I shun you as well.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"Hello. Oh."
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Dara, I'll pretend I'm on the Tube, ask me a question.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Hello, sir. I was wondering if you knew
0:07:55 > 0:07:59if this was the perfect place to change for the Jubilee line?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Excuse me. I was wondering if this is the right place for,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I want to get to Buckingham Palace?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It's shameful.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25This man is a pioneer, the first man ever to speak on the Tube
0:08:25 > 0:08:27and your people, instead of lifting him up, you punish him,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30by making him coach your football team.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38The first subject is Transport. Who wants to come in on that? Miles.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Yes, transport, public transport, why is public transport so horrendous?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Well, the clue is in the question, isn't it, it's the public.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46You're horrific.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52I don't take public transport terribly often,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54but sometimes I do it for a dare.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Some friends and I once had a competition to see who could
0:08:58 > 0:09:01stay for the longest on a night bus without vomiting.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Although once I got on the bus, it was quite clear that all
0:09:03 > 0:09:07the other passengers were involved in a similar competition.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11None of them were doing terribly well.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13My seat had a sign next to it saying,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"This seat is particularly appreciated
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"by the elderly and infirm." Yeah. Certainly smelt like it.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24What a journey, every time somebody pressed the stop button, it pinged.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25The oik sitting next to me stood up
0:09:25 > 0:09:29because he thought his McCain's microwaveable chips were ready.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Brutal.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Anyway, while I've been speaking,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I imagine a lot of the ladies in here have been looking at me.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Possibly, you know, you're thinking, "Is he or isn't he?"
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Well, I've got to be honest with you, ladies, I am looking for a cleaner.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52On the travel front,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55what caused this particular disaster in New Zealand?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Was it elves?- It wasn't elves.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59- Sneezing?- It wasn't.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- A milk tanker. - It's a de-railed lorry.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- It's a milk tanker. - A milk tanker.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Ploughed through two buildings, the first two buildings there.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- And why did it crash? - Was it looking for a cow?- It wasn't.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10That's not the way they work.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15They don't, the milk tankers don't track cows across fields.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Had some guy just poured himself out cornflakes,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19realised he didn't have any milk
0:10:19 > 0:10:22and was possessed of incredible telepathic powers?
0:10:23 > 0:10:29Like Magneto but for milk. He can lure milk towards him.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31What an annoying super power to have.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33We need an action replay of it, it was a lovely moment.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I just remembered something.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Show them what you did, it was fantastic. You went...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39DRUMS ON TABLE
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Then went like that, when they were talking.- Did I really?- Yeah.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I do that kind of thing the whole time, that's entirely me.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Do it again.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It's quite good, but this better be good, because that was quite...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56My self image is not of a sort of person who does that.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- And I'm very glad that I... - You should change that, yeah.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I'm glad that I'm doing it in an involuntary way,
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- rather than affecting to do it.- Yes. - At the end of it just go, "Shazam."
0:11:05 > 0:11:07You don't think that's taking it too far?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- I don't think, I think you can do it.- OK, next time.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- Here we go, here we go. - No, I'd remembered why he crashed.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Why did he crash?- Because...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16THEY DRUM
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Because... - Why did they crash the truck?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Start again.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24HE DRUMS
0:11:24 > 0:11:29He, the guy, the milk guy, choked on a lolly.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- He did choke on a lolly, yes. - He wrecked...
0:11:35 > 0:11:40And the people inside the house choked on a lorry.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42What I love about, what I love about this photo is, like
0:11:42 > 0:11:4730 seconds before that happened, there were three houses
0:11:47 > 0:11:50and a bloke in a caravan who was feeling a bit shit
0:11:50 > 0:11:52because everybody else had a house.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Now the bloke in the caravan is going, "Yes!"
0:11:58 > 0:12:01I've got a caravan and a lifetime supply of milk.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04He did, he choked on, he choked on a boiled sweet,
0:12:04 > 0:12:05which in that part of the world...
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- Is that right?- No, they call sweets lollies in...- Crazy.- Funny people.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Oh, that's nowhere near as funny as a boiled sweet.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15There was nobody in the first house.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18There was nobody in the second house, but in the third house
0:12:18 > 0:12:22there was a man who was, who was sitting in his chair.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- And do you know why he was there? - No.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28He had a broken foot. He was recuperating from a broken foot.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31It came through the wall of his house and he said to himself,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33he had a moment where he went,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"I'm not going to be able to get away from this,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"because I've got a broken foot."
0:12:37 > 0:12:40And the truck slammed into him, broke his other leg.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43The only way that that could have been worse
0:12:43 > 0:12:45was if he was also lactose intolerant.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:12:56 > 0:12:58and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Good God, it's Margaret Beckett, isn't it?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06From the first Labour Government.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Do you know, I'm beginning to wonder how recent this footage actually is.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Oh lovely, a train in a box.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15That's odd, Mummy normally gives me a Twix and a lump of organic cheese.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Still, never mind, stick that on eBay.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Sir, this chap will be your driver, Dave.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Hello, Dave. How lovely, so you drive this, do you?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Yes, I bet you've got a tale or two to tell.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Yeah, well actually it has been hairy a couple of times.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I bet it has. Yes. Do you know, I quite fancy doing your job.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Yes, and I, I quite fancy doing your job.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Well that's not going to fucking happen, is it?! Can I have a go?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45No, I'm afraid it's against regulations.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Is it? Is it? Now then, think very carefully.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Hmm.- Yes, I think that's the right answer,
0:13:51 > 0:13:55nobody wants to be force-fed organic biscuits.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Anyway, let's have some fun.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00This is an impression, this is the British economy.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- It's going backwards.- Yes, I know.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Don't worry, I understand about trains.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Now tell me, Dave, can this go sideways?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- No, just backwards and forwards.- Does it?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Just backwards and forwards.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Why don't we just concentrate on driving the train, sir?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Just push the lever forward if you could.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19That's a lever, is it?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I thought it was an enormous Liquorice Allsort.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27What do I do, just push it forward do I? Oh yes, look, we're going.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32Well, this is a piece of piss, Dave. You're stealing a living, yes.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Oh, hang on a minute, hang on, my arm's stuck.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I think, hang on, Dave, my arm's locked.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39David, my arm, David, I can't stop, my arm's locked.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- His arm's locked. - My arm's locked, I can't...
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Oh, my God! Where are the brakes? Where are the brakes?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46We're out of control, I can't stop it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Ha ha, I got you there, didn't I, Dave, eh? Really.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I'll tell you what...
0:14:50 > 0:14:51APPLAUSE
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Well done, Hugh Dennis.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Transport is the topic.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:15:06 > 0:15:08So I've got my own private jet.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12The rest of the Jacuzzi belongs to my mum.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22If you've got a sat nav,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25don't put the name of the company you're visiting into it.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I tried to take some mayonnaise back the other day,
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I ended up in Helmand Province.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I mean, I've got a car, but there's nothing
0:15:37 > 0:15:41I like better than making a bonfire on the passenger seat.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Driving up and down, opening and shutting the electric sunroof
0:15:45 > 0:15:47and pretending to be a steam train.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52My uncle, he was a taxi driver,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55but then one day he left home without any indication.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Adam, you've probably travelled more internationally than any of us.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07How is security at the moment? Do you have any difficulties?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Yeah, yeah, I always, I've got an artificial foot, as you know.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Yes, I do know that, yes.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14So clearly, every time... I don't know if you knew that, Hugh.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I have an artificial penis.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22So I've decided not to, you know, compare notes on that later maybe.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24And it does have metal bits on the side,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27so going through airport metal detectors is just brilliant.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Really?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Actually I went through, I went through Heathrow Airport
0:16:31 > 0:16:34three days after September 11, and reaction to the foot was great.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I walked through and everything's gone off,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38and they're right over you, "Put your arms out."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40They patted me down.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43And they got to that moment where they kind of knocked on the foot
0:16:43 > 0:16:44and there was a wooden sound.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47And the guy just kind of looked at me and just went,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49"Right, what's going on down there?"
0:16:49 > 0:16:52In all innocence I just went, "Oh, it's an artificial foot."
0:16:52 > 0:16:55And he just went, "Ah jeez, go through, mate, no just go through.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56"No, it's all right."
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I was thinking, well check, there could be a knife.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01"No, no, just go, mate. I don't care if the plane goes down,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04"I don't want to offend a spastic. Just go, for God's sake!"
0:17:07 > 0:17:09While you're going through one of the ones
0:17:09 > 0:17:12in which you have to take off, when there's a bit of a rigmarole anyway
0:17:12 > 0:17:15and people are sullen, they spend the entire day looking at people
0:17:15 > 0:17:19sullenly going past going, "Here's my belt and here's my shoe."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21And then you could just go,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23"And I'll see your belt and I'll see your shoe.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25"And here is a leg." Argh!
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Do you have to take your shoe off or just take the whole thing off?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31No, the shoe comes off first and then I put it on.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32I usually use it to...
0:17:32 > 0:17:35You made that sound actually kind of sexy. The shoe comes off.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39And then, if needs be, the Velcro.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Velcro?!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Yeah, it's held on by Velcro.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Is that Velcroed straight on to the hair of your leg?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Or is it onto other bits of Velcro?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50That would be ridiculous.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Those cutbacks in the Health Service are really kicking in, aren't they?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I mean, what was you expecting, a dove-tail joint?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Yeah, well ideally some sort of modern prosthetic, you know,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01masking tape maybe. But just...
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Couldn't you get toes that did all the different functions
0:18:05 > 0:18:07of a Swiss Army knife?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I do have toes on it. I do, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14I think the question everyone wants is...get your foot out, Adam.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Ssh, listen for the Velcro.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24It's Velcro time. Ready with the mic.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- It's Velcro...- I've got a terrific view, ladies and gentlemen.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Are you not ever tempted...?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31VELCRO RIPS
0:18:31 > 0:18:34AUDIENCE CHEER
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Have you ever thought of just going, "Arrrh," when you take it off?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- Right, the foot.- Oh, hello.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44THUD
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Not that one!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49He's removed the wrong foot.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51That'd be the NHS wouldn't it, right there?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- That was actually Hugh's penis. - It wasn't his foot, yes.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58AUDIENCE CHEER
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- Can I have a look at it? - Yeah, yeah, go for it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06It's like show and tell, isn't it?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Who's got something else then, come on?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I'm impressed by the fake toes, because presumably there's no good,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14there's no tactile reason for them to be there,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- no essential reason for them... - Do you know what it was?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It was because when I was about 14,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22getting to that age in a boy's life where, you know,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25you're having things going on, and doctors basically sat down with me
0:19:25 > 0:19:28and said, "Is there anything the other kids can do that you can't?"
0:19:28 > 0:19:30And bearing that I grew up in Australia, I said,
0:19:30 > 0:19:34"Yeah, I want to wear thongs." Which of course is flip-flops.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Just, although...
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Adam, have you ever put beer in your foot and drunk out of it?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Yes.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49The reason there are toes there is because when I said I wanted
0:19:49 > 0:19:51to wear flip-flops, they made me one that had a gap there,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54so that I could put flip-flops in there.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56But it didn't work, because when you walk in flip-flops,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59you grip with your toes, to hold the flip-flop on.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02So you were just going - ping! And firing them off everywhere.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05So my mum then put Velcro on a flip-flop, on the foot.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08If it wasn't for Velcro.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13We don't take enough time to thank Velcro for its wonderful work.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- Just tell it to the camera. Thanks, Velcro.- Thank you, Velcro.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Thanks for everything.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Keeping us together.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30And thank you, Adam, for what could have descended into
0:20:30 > 0:20:32freak show territory, but you held it together
0:20:32 > 0:20:35with an enormous amount of dignity, as we basically said,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"Show us the weird thing! Show us the weird thing now!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41"Let us see the unusual limb."
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Who wants to see my artificial penis?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Is that the one you had made so that you could wear a thong?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56The next subject is Travel. Away you go.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00This week Ryanair, the Irish airline,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03decided that they were going to carry out their policy
0:21:03 > 0:21:06and do away completely with check-in desks.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Now, I've got many ambitions in life.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12My main one though is to be the barman in the bar where
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Michael O'Leary from Ryanair goes for a pint on a Friday night,
0:21:15 > 0:21:16so I can stand there and go,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"Hello, Michael. How's the craic? What are you after?
0:21:19 > 0:21:23"A pint of lager? Certainly, 49 pence.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26"Yes, I know that appears cheap.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31"The glass is going to cost you £2.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"Will you be wanting a head on it, Michael?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39"What made you think it would be 3.49?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41"Did you not book your pint online?"
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Thank you.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I actually prefer the halfway stage with the self check-in desk,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54which is bizarre.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56And I remember the first time that happened to me,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59standing there in front of an empty check-in desk
0:21:59 > 0:22:03at the airport asking myself if I've packed this bag myself.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I'm a comedian, I went, "Might have done."
0:22:09 > 0:22:14I'm not having that kind of behaviour. I called security.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I demanded a strip search, ladies and gentlemen,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21and it was a cracking start to the weekend, I'll tell you.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24The good news is, my prostate's in good shape
0:22:24 > 0:22:28and we found a bottle of Bacardi from a previous trip.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Thank you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Thank you very much, Fred.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34In terms of travel, on the roads,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37what flaw has been exposed this week in speed cameras?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38It's really great.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42If you change lanes between two like kind of, you know,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45average speed cameras, if you swap lanes then they can't detect you.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47And the manufacturer said,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49"You can do this, but we wouldn't recommend it."
0:22:49 > 0:22:51It's like when you're at the swimming pool,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54they go, "No bombing." "He's turned, bomb!"
0:22:54 > 0:22:57So if you, if you drive like Richard Hammond, and a violent swerve,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59you're perfectly all right, you'll get away with it.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I think that should be, that should be the anti-speeding advert.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to
0:23:05 > 0:23:07remember his own wedding day.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:16She was, she was wearing black, or was it red? Am I married?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22I've a feeling it won't be...
0:23:22 > 0:23:23The speed cameras...
0:23:23 > 0:23:26You know, we're not even going to make an oblique reference to him,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28let alone, there's a line in the sand, right,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31and you can't even see the line in the sand.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33You're actually out of sand into like,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36into tropical tundra regions or something.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Don't you think, though, that what is wrong with speed cameras?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- What's wrong with speed cameras? - I don't know, no.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I'm taking a second just to enjoy that particular joke.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Who here has had a crash, anyone?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- We've all had a crash. - Yeah, I've been in a crash. Yeah.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Well, who's had the worst one?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54When I was 17, right, I crashed into a snow plough,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56the only day it snowed that year.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I had to walk up to, I had to walk up to him
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and like do my best guv, "So, how fast do you think we was going?"
0:24:03 > 0:24:04And he was like,
0:24:04 > 0:24:08"Well, I'm in a snow plough, so I'm guessing I wasn't hurtling."
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Every one of these speed cameras actually earned 80 grand in a year.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16And I was thinking, I would quite like that job.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Stood there all day, just...
0:24:17 > 0:24:22I would quite happily stand there with a flash gun in a hedge
0:24:22 > 0:24:26painted fluorescent yellow for 80 grand a year.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33The next topic please. Unlikely Things To Hear On A Train.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36This is the Virgin train service to Edinburgh.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40If you're not a virgin, would you please get off at Hemel Hempstead.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42BUZZER
0:24:42 > 0:24:45We would like to apologise for the bumpy ride as we entered
0:24:45 > 0:24:47the last station.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52This is due to some selfish bastard throwing himself under the train!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54BUZZER
0:24:56 > 0:25:00We are now arriving in Sheffield, could all passengers in first class
0:25:00 > 0:25:04please pull back your window blinds and take a look at the real world.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07BUZZER
0:25:09 > 0:25:12We'd like to apologise for the toilet being
0:25:12 > 0:25:15out of order for the entire journey as Ricky Hatton is in it.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18BUZZER
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Due to staff shortages, I am unable to finish this announ...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27BUZZER
0:25:28 > 0:25:33Hot food is now available because the buffet car is on fire.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36BUZZER
0:25:37 > 0:25:40We have now arrived into Birmingham New Street.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43We are pleased to inform any passengers wishing to change
0:25:43 > 0:25:47for Wolverhampton that there's a JD Sports opposite the station.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49BUZZER
0:25:51 > 0:25:56Excuse me, do you have any more of those sandwiches? They're delicious.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57BUZZER
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Hmm, I wonder whether I should take my personal belongings with me
0:26:03 > 0:26:04when I leave this train.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10If only there was an announcement that could possibly help me.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11BUZZER
0:26:13 > 0:26:16We apologise for the delay to this service.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20This was caused by a points failure at "make something up."
0:26:20 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:25BUZZER
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- HIGH PITCHED VOICE - Hello.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32This is the train speaking.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38I know we're running a bit late,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41but don't worry, I know a short-cut.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45BUZZER
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Could the passenger causing a disturbance in the quiet coach
0:26:50 > 0:26:53please settle down and stop shouting about your heart medicine.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57BUZZER
0:26:58 > 0:27:02OK, the next topic is, Things You Won't Hear Your Sat Nav Say.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07Don't be angry, but while you were getting petrol, I shagged your iPod.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22HEAVY ACCENT
0:27:22 > 0:27:26In 300 miles you will realise this gimmicky voice
0:27:26 > 0:27:28was a terrible mistake.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35At the next set of traffic lights, a cyclist is going to pull up
0:27:35 > 0:27:37next to you and give you a really dirty look
0:27:37 > 0:27:39like he's better than you.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42When the light turns green, let's see how good his balance is.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44BUZZER
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Turn right at the next junction for a bloody good dogging site.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51BUZZER
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I'll tell you what, darling, how about you get out of the car
0:27:54 > 0:27:56and let your husband park?
0:27:58 > 0:27:59BUZZER
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Turn right. Wrong, I didn't say, "Sat nav says."
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Welcome to Jo-burg!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Lock the doors, put on your bulletproof vest
0:28:17 > 0:28:19and don't leave me here.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22If you go away and leave me here, I won't be here when you come back!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24BUZZER
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Bear left and over to the right, squirrel!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Ooooh, you just turn me on.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39HE GASPS SEXUALLY
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Hold on, I've got the map upside down.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50BUZZER
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Left. Left.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Your girlfriend's left.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58BUZZER
0:28:59 > 0:29:04Next dinner party, you drink and I'll drive.
0:29:04 > 0:29:05BUZZER
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Did you turn the gas off? Did you lock the door? Did you? Did you?
0:29:11 > 0:29:13I reckon we should go back, I reckon we should go back.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Where the fuck are we?!