0:00:03 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:28 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:31This programme contains some strong language
0:00:31 > 0:00:35OK, your category is World News, and the answer is "One Fifth",
0:00:35 > 0:00:36what's the question?
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Is this what fraction of the Jackson Five might miss the Christmas party?
0:00:40 > 0:00:41LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Is it how much of French And Saunders is Saunders?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Is it what proportion of Enid Blyton's "The Famous Five"
0:00:55 > 0:00:57can lick their own testicles?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Is it how much of a Boris Johnson speech
0:01:02 > 0:01:07is not "Hmm, well, brrr, I say, gosh"(?)
0:01:07 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Is it how does Jamie Oliver pronounce "one fish"(?)
0:01:15 > 0:01:16LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:21It's about Libya, I think, and it is
0:01:21 > 0:01:24what proportion of Scotland's tourist income
0:01:24 > 0:01:25is provided by American tourists?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Well done, Hugh, give him a round of applause.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:33This is the news campaigners have called on Americans
0:01:33 > 0:01:34to boycott travel to Scotland
0:01:34 > 0:01:36as well as the buying of Scottish goods
0:01:36 > 0:01:39after the decision to release Lockerbie bomber, Ali al-Megrahi.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42The decision was roundly condemned by Barack Obama
0:01:42 > 0:01:46and FBI director, Robert Mueller. Scotland is now a rogue state...
0:01:46 > 0:01:52Uncontrolled by Westminster, they've just gone crazy. Fred?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Yes, well I have to say it's a double-edged sword,
0:01:55 > 0:01:59because on the one hand we've got a huge international incident,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02on the other hand, we've annoyed the Americans.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04They're not going to come on holiday to Scotland.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09Who had their holiday booked to go to Scotland in September?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I wouldn't go to Scotland in September
0:02:11 > 0:02:13if I was going into hiding.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16The only person making that trip should be an academic
0:02:16 > 0:02:21doing a report on the moment when depression turns into violence.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:24APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:02:28 > 0:02:31The thing is, Americans don't even have passports.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Only 10% percent of them have passports.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Americans boycotting Scotland
0:02:34 > 0:02:38is like Wayne Rooney boycotting the Large Hadron Collider.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42It's not just... it's the Scottish goods,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- it is a genuine fear that if America...- Scottish goods?!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Yes, your sales, your sales of whisky,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51shortbread and those hats that have hair attached to the hat.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56How many haggises are we selling in Jackson, Mississippi?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Two? Five?- I've looked at this as an Irish person.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04On the website Boycott Scotland, they offer as an alternative, Ireland.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Which is kind of, we're not interchangeable,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09although we have renamed our whisky "Freedom" whisky.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14- Obviously the Irish...- Like Ireland doesn't have any links to terrorism.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15No, exactly.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Not to THAT terrorism, no.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20APPLAUSE
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I'm staying in Scotland this month and I know for a fact
0:03:26 > 0:03:29that they don't care, because I got a taxi to my flat and the driver
0:03:29 > 0:03:32came to help me with my bags, some Americans pulled over and said,
0:03:32 > 0:03:36"You couldn't give us advice on how to get to the station, could you?"
0:03:36 > 0:03:38And he said, "Aye, get a satnav!"
0:03:38 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:43What I loved about it was the fact Kenny MacAskill
0:03:43 > 0:03:45said that the reason why they let him go
0:03:45 > 0:03:48is because Scotland is a compassionate nation.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And you're like, what?!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54The Glasgow kiss is the only kiss that involves the forehead.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57It's freezing there, they make them wear skirts,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59and the last terrorist in Scotland was on fire
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and Jim Smeaton still tried to beat him up.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Can I just say, they don't make us wear skirts,
0:04:06 > 0:04:07we choose to do that, OK?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:10 > 0:04:14It's not Jim Smeaton, we're not all called Jimmy, he's John.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18They've released al-Megrahi,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21the Scots, Scotland have sent him back on compassionate grounds
0:04:21 > 0:04:23because he's only got three months to live.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Well, Gordon Brown has only got a year to live, politically,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28so could we not send him back to Scotland?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30There was a genuinely though... because al-Megrahi, yes,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32has three months to live, but he's 57,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35so he was very close to becoming Scotland's oldest man.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:40The great thing about al-Megrahi is that he actually sounds Scottish.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- DEEP VOICE - "Big al-Megrahi."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45He sounds like he plays centre half for Dunfermline or something.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"Yes, you get round the full back,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"but often, big al-Megrahi was there to clear."
0:04:49 > 0:04:51LAUGHTER
0:04:51 > 0:04:54OK, which famous Londoner missed out on tickets to the games?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55- Jack the Ripper.- Yes.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59No, another one, there's another more famous Londoner than that.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- Dick van Dyke.- Not Dick van Dyke, no. - LAUGHTER
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- VAN DYKE IMPRESSION - I can't believe it. I put down for loads of them! I got nothing!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09IMPRESSION Oh, blimey, Mary.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Which Londoner famously missed out on tickets?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Boris Johnson didn't get any tickets. - Boris Johnson, yes.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18And he's obviously not very confident, is he?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22- That's Boris Johnson, about to do a knife attack.- Expelliamus!
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Did you see John Prescott's offer
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- to the people who didn't get tickets?- No.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30John Prescott put a tweet out saying,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"If you've missed out on tickets for the Olympic Games,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"the East Hull Olympic Games
0:05:35 > 0:05:38"start today in the park in my constituency,"
0:05:38 > 0:05:40which is kind of like saying, can't afford the opera?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42There's a tramp at the bottom of my road...
0:05:42 > 0:05:46having a piss, he whistles My Way.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Greg, why are you following John Prescott on Twitter?
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Private reasons.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:55(Call me.)
0:05:55 > 0:06:00What is the first taste of Olympic fever that we're going to get?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03We are basically going to have the Olympic flame...
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Yes, we are.- Which is apparently going to go round the country,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09including six of our islands, including Guernsey,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Jersey and the Orkneys,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15and that's of course if when it goes to the Orkneys they don't keep
0:06:15 > 0:06:20whoever takes it there and worship them as a god.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Some former Olympic athletes are going to be taking the torch round.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29All round the country, street cleaners on the route are going,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"Please, not Paula Radcliffe, please, not Paula Radcliffe."
0:06:32 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I go to East London quite a lot. When it gets there,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38it will be stopped every five seconds with people going,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"Excuse me, I couldn't borrow your light, could I?"
0:06:40 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:44And what's being offered to the police
0:06:44 > 0:06:48who are guarding the Olympic torch on this 8,000 mile journey?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49- Counselling.- Counselling.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52To help them get back into the proper world at the end of it.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- And...- Actually, they'll need counselling before they start
0:06:55 > 0:06:57if you're going to run for 70 days behind a flame.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01They think that the effect will have some sort of, like, moth syndrome,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03if they've been running behind a flame for the last 70 days.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:09They're just constantly... jumping at the moon. Waah!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12For God's sake, don't put him on the night shift again,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14it was a disaster last time.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Jumping over walls to get to people's barbecues and just stand staring at it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I worship the flame now.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22The flame is my god now.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:31What has Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith been calling for this week?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35He has said, Iain Duncan Smith has called on British bosses
0:07:35 > 0:07:37to employ more British people
0:07:37 > 0:07:40and the British bosses have said that they can't do that
0:07:40 > 0:07:43because foreign workers work much more efficiently
0:07:43 > 0:07:45and the British have lost their work ethic
0:07:45 > 0:07:50and that's as much as I'm going to say, unless I'm on double time...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52and I get another tea break.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Well, as a foreigner, I'll pick up the slack then, won't I?
0:07:55 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Ed?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01The only thing... I have a very left-wing and liberal attitude
0:08:01 > 0:08:04to Eastern European immigration. The only thing though,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06is you go, welcome them, let them come in,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09then you get refused entry to a nightclub by a bouncer from Lithuania.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Suddenly, suddenly your leftie attitude to immigration
0:08:11 > 0:08:13takes a big step to the right for the evening.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18- It's not just bouncers from Lithuania who turn you away though, is it?- No.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Every bouncer on every nightclub door in Dublin now, it seems, are from Eastern Europe,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Eastern European bouncers, they're hard-working, conscientious,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28but they don't watch Mock The Week, right?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:32This means nothing trying to get into a nightclub in Dublin.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Then you hate yourself,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"What do you mean you won't let me in? We let you in!"
0:08:37 > 0:08:38That's not on.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I had a letter published in the Daily Mail last week
0:08:43 > 0:08:47saying that a lot of Russian women get into this country
0:08:47 > 0:08:48inside other Russian women.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:55But it's true though, Eastern Europeans,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- they are very keen to work, aren't they?- Yes.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02I mean, as an example, right, there was a Serbian and a Czech
0:09:02 > 0:09:06who were able to win the Wimbledon championship in two weeks,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09whereas a British person with the same qualifications
0:09:09 > 0:09:11has been unable to do it for 75 years.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You don't mind having, like, efficient cherry pickers,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24but you don't want like an Eastern European traffic warden, do you?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- AS DRACULA - I gave out 500 tickets this morning.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I gave out 500 tickets this morning.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I need to drink some blood.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41At one point do they go, ah, ah, ah, ah...
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I grew up with Dracula films.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- AS THE COUNT - One parking ticket, ah, ah, ah...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48TWO parking tickets...
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- MIXED ACCENTS - You cannot park here, no parking in this area.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Sorry, is that, is that Dracula or Bob Dylan?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- You cannot park here. - APPLAUSE
0:10:05 > 0:10:07The topic is etiquette.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Fetch.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I think there's been a deterioration in etiquette.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15There's been a deterioration in manners
0:10:15 > 0:10:18and there's been a deterioration in language,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20and as a Scot, you know,
0:10:20 > 0:10:24we're often accused of using the F word too much.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27And you know, that could be true.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I think though, it suits the pattern of our voice,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32it suits the rhythm of our speech, it actually fits in quite nicely,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36but I think I have found the epitome of the overuse of the F word.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41It happened at a St Johnstone versus Partick Thistle football match
0:10:41 > 0:10:44and the detail is vital in padding out the routine...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:48It was in McDermott Stadium,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52a stadium that can hold 10,000 people, they've been told.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56And five minutes into the second half, something happened
0:10:56 > 0:10:59on the pitch that the man five rows in front of me
0:10:59 > 0:11:01was not at all happy about and he stood up
0:11:01 > 0:11:05and he pointed at the pitch and he shouted, "Fucking...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"Boo!"
0:11:07 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:10 > 0:11:11There you are!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Because you know,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17sometimes "boo" just isn't enough.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:22 > 0:11:23In other politics news,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26why has a Lib Dem councillor from Devon hit the headlines?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29She's a... she's a Liberal Democrat councillor,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32but she's also a sex worker, Dara.
0:11:32 > 0:11:38She's not just a member of the Lib Dems, she's a Lib Dem councillor...
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- From Bidewell, is it?- Bideford. - Bideford.- Bideford, excuse me.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- This is her, yes.- That's her.- yes!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47You'd vote for that, wouldn't you?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48What's funny about it,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50aside from this, this is her traditional get-up,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53she also does the following, if I get this right,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55she does Miss Whiplash, that's rubbish,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58she just turns up and goes, "Oh, my back!"
0:11:58 > 0:12:02The other one is Miss Santa, that is entirely creepy, isn't it?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And the final one is Sexy Gypsy Lady,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08which is just hilarious, isn't it?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Just the idea of someone in Devon going, "Hello?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12"Is that Sexy Gypsy Lady?"
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I'm worried about, what do you think she plugs into these three sockets?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22She's got a chat-line though, right, apparently,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24£1.50 a minute, you can call up.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Now if you ever call up your council, you never get through.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30How brilliant to know you can definitely get through
0:12:30 > 0:12:32to one of your councillors, you know,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35and you can get a bit of sexy talk at the same time.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I'd like to know about my planning permission.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"Ooh, you haven't got planning permission, you bad boy,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"I'll spank you, I'll spank you."
0:12:42 > 0:12:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:49It's actually more socially acceptable to be a sex worker
0:12:49 > 0:12:50than a Liberal Democrat.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I've always thought the Devon accent to be the sexiest on a chat line.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59The amount of times I've wanted to hear someone say,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"Ooh, I'm not wearing any clothes, my lover."
0:13:03 > 0:13:04If only she would say that though.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06You'll probably be trying to whack one off
0:13:06 > 0:13:10while she's telling you about proportional representation.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13And I know from experience, that's a tough one.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Has anyone ever rung up a sex line?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- What were the chances we were going to go...- I have.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Now is the time to, you know,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- I want to share that. No, I haven't.- Have you not?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I did when I was 14, I got caught by my mum. Horrific.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Why, was she..? I know this voice!
0:13:31 > 0:13:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Too easy, come on!
0:13:41 > 0:13:42You threw it up, I had to hit it.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49I'd like to, yes, get myself in trouble rather than my mum.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- I was 14 and I was getting bullied at school...- Oh, dear.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55And rather than learn karate, I used to ring up the sex line.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I once had an argument with one lady who, I said,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"Would you do this to me?"
0:14:00 > 0:14:03And she said, "No, I won't, I need you to do this to me first."
0:14:03 > 0:14:06And I plucked up the courage to go, "You will do it to me
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"and do you know why, madam?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11"Because the customer is always right." And put the phone down.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:14:19 > 0:14:22and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25This week's clip features Boris Johnson and David Cameron.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28HUGH AS BORIS: Ah, tally-ho, look out, posh boy coming through.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I wonder if there's any grub, I'm absolutely starving.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34HUGH AS CAMERON: Now remember why we're here, Boris. We're here
0:14:34 > 0:14:37to reassure the public about spending cuts, not just so you can eat.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39HUGH AS BORIS: No, but look, there's cake.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41There's cake, loads of cake. I love cake.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43They've got all sorts of cake, they've got pink cake,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46blue cake, I don't know where I am, am I pink, am I blue?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Am I pink? I've never been pink. God, I sound like William Hague.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51All the cake's on Cammers,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54he's got loads of cash from the spending cuts.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57HUGH AS CAMERON: Actually this is the last £10 left in Britain,
0:14:57 > 0:14:58so best be careful with it.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01HUGH AS BORIS: I want a meringue, I love a meringue.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02I love all the cream in a meringue.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05HUGH AS CAMERON: Well, why don't you share mine? I mean, times are hard.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08HUGH AS BORIS: Well, I could, I suppose, but I have a rule.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I have a rule, I never share anything, anything with another man,
0:15:11 > 0:15:15unless of course, unless of course, it's his...it's his, er...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17it's his wife.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20AS CAMERON: Anyway, here we go. AS BORIS: Now careful,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23don't get any of the white stuff up there, no, that would be very bad.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25HUGH AS CAMERON: So, do you... do you have any change?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28We were hoping to have saved some for the poor people.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32It doesn't really matter, but if there is some left over. Have you?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Three pounds, lovely, that's absolutely perfect. Yes, oops.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40There we go, that's the Pakistani betting syndicate satisfied.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43HUGH AS BORIS: Oh, look, lovely, sticky fingers.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Yes, I love a sticky finger. That's...that's not the first.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Oh, look, a genuine Cockney. HUGH AS CAMERON: Hello, how are you?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51HUGH AS PEARLY KING: Oh, lor' and lummee, who shot Cock Robin?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Apples and pears, down the old chim-chiminee,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and Mary Poppins, the Kray twins, innit?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00HUGH AS CAMERON: I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Well done, Hugh.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11My favourite Olympic torch story, by the way, is this week
0:16:11 > 0:16:14the Olympic torch was brought on the raft through the slalom course.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16What brilliant plan is this?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Right, one second later, there's the Olympic torch!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24And it had to be brought and lit from the mother flame,
0:16:24 > 0:16:28which apparently is discreetly held in a miner's lamp.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31It's like a Zippo. And, they're not bringing it back to Greece, like.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32And had to be re-lit.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36The Olympic flame has to be lit kindled by the rays of the sun,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39which is not our strong point, at the moment.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I can't help feeling they should have just given us
0:16:41 > 0:16:43a special dispensation, so instead of a torch,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46we could have just... everyone could have had a flannel,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48like a damp flannel and you kind of wring yours out
0:16:48 > 0:16:51into the other person's flannel and then they go on.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59What's weird about the Olympic torch though,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02it's having this incredibly exciting time.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04It's been on a zip wire in Newcastle, it's been sailing,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06it's been whitewater rafting.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10It's like it's got some sort of deal with the Make A Wish Foundation.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15It's as if it's somebody's stag do or something,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18isn't it, taking the Olympic torch whitewater rafting.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I'm amazed it wasn't left in the booth of a lap dancing club,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24or somewhere, like so many of my umbrellas!
0:17:29 > 0:17:33The next subject is North/South Divide. There goes Michael.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Right, yes. Now I am from the South.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Have you noticed?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I have been north,
0:17:41 > 0:17:45up the M1 and I don't know what happens to the word "the".
0:17:45 > 0:17:48It seems to disappear at about junction 25 on the M1
0:17:48 > 0:17:50and the word "the" just goes,
0:17:50 > 0:17:52"That's it for me, I'm getting off, you go on ahead.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56"Are you coming with? No, I don't... they're not interested up there."
0:17:56 > 0:17:58And then you get there and they have this...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00EXAGGERATED ACCENT: "..up t'road, in t'fridge.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"Oh you're going up to..." What are you doing?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06My first experience of this was when I went to the cinema in Leeds.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10I saw The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I have to say I had more fun asking the woman what it was
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I'd booked to see than watching the entire movie itself.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"So what is it I'm seeing here today?"
0:18:18 > 0:18:20"T'Lion, T'Witch and T'Wardrobe."
0:18:20 > 0:18:21What are you talking about?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Am I hearing this? "Are you taking t'piss?" Yes, of course.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I thought it might be a nice idea maybe to go into HMV
0:18:32 > 0:18:35and get a DVD of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37maybe The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
0:18:37 > 0:18:43and perhaps an album by The The and just line them up on the counter.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45What is it I've decided to purchase here?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48"T'Lion, T'Witch And T'Wardrobe,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50T'Good, T'Bad And T'Ugly...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55"..and T'T'."
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- Thank you.- Well done, Michael.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Why have mother-in-laws been in the news this week?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08A woman wrote a letter saying that her daughter-in-law was uncouth
0:19:08 > 0:19:12and that, the wedding was coming up, she was uncouth,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14she ate her dinner from the wrong side.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- What? What's that? I- don't know. - What is that?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Is there a direction, you must go left to right with your dinner?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Do you have to go, like typing. - In polite circles,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25when you get your dinner put in front of you,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29you start on the left hand side and make your way across.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Jack'll tell you. - Was this the plate?- What?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- No! And if they put like all the steak...- Oh, for Christ's sake!
0:19:35 > 0:19:36..you eat your way through the stuff...
0:19:36 > 0:19:40I knew you people were plebs, but this is unbelievable. Unbelievable.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44In the East End, we start on the left hand side,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46we make our way over to the other side.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49What happens if you don't like the stuff on the left hand side?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- Well, you're in trouble, aren't you? - Do you have to turn the plate round?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55So, if your pork chop is there and your potatoes are there,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58you have to eat your pork chop first.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- Yeah.- And then the potatoes afterwards?- Optional, the potatoes.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05As long as you've started on the left, everyone goes...
0:20:09 > 0:20:10- What if it's soup?- What?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Let me explain this, yes, a lady called Carolyn Bourne, this week
0:20:19 > 0:20:22sent an email to her future daughter-in-law.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23She's stepmother of the guy she's marrying,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26a lady called Heidi Withers, and it went viral.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29And she accused her of being very uncouth, lacking in grace,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32said that it's disgraceful she'd never sent her
0:20:32 > 0:20:33a thank you card for the time she spent,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35that she shouldn't have stayed in bed
0:20:35 > 0:20:38while the rest of the house was up. And basically, said essentially
0:20:38 > 0:20:41that, you know, yeah, you shouldn't get married in a castle
0:20:41 > 0:20:42unless you live in a castle.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Which is ridiculous, if you live in a castle,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47you get married in St Paul's Cathedral.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Yeah.- "Yes."- You do, yeah. Yeah.- Quite large.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- AS THE SESAME STREET COUNT: - "If you live in a castle, you can get married..."
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"Ah ah ah ah."
0:20:56 > 0:20:57I can't help it, I can't help it.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59He lures me in.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I love the Count, he was my favourite thing.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06"Ah ha ha ha ha!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08"One peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
0:21:08 > 0:21:11My favourite thing, they then asked them for comments afterwards
0:21:11 > 0:21:13and they're all stone-walling, aren't they?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Nobody's said anything, the bride and groom,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- apart from her father. - Her father, yeah.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Who came out with a great quote, which was,
0:21:19 > 0:21:23"That woman, basically, she's got her head so far up her arse,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26"she doesn't know whether to speak or fart."
0:21:28 > 0:21:31And this is the bloke, right, who's got to make a speech at the wedding.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35If he's saying that now, get a ticket for that reception.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38And I think it's nice to see a mother, sort of, like
0:21:38 > 0:21:40looking after her son, because whenever I go out with girls,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43my mum always takes the side of the girl, probably justifiably.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I was going out with a girl recently, and it was quite
0:21:45 > 0:21:47a difficult patch in the relationship,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50and I don't normally do it, but I looked on her phone.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53On her phone I found a text message from my mum saying,
0:21:53 > 0:21:54"I think you deserve better!"
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It is very difficult, etiquette in other people's houses.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Lots of etiquette, I've never understood.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06As a child, genuinely, I used to get very confused when they said,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"You mustn't eat with your mouth open."
0:22:09 > 0:22:12And I genuinely thought, how do you get the food in?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16There's also that ludicrous thing when you are eating soup,
0:22:16 > 0:22:18you're meant to push the spoon away.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23And you think, my mouth's here, why am I, what's all that about?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26You know if you go to someone's house for dinner in the evening,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30right, and you go upstairs and you lay a massive log in the toilet
0:22:30 > 0:22:34that won't go down, what is the etiquette there?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37You break it down with the brush, that's what you do.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- You do battle with it. - You fight it and you win.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46And like soup, you push away. You push away all the time.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Thanks, Dara. Thank you.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53The worst thing is, if you go to... This has happened to me,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57you go to the loo and you find there's a massive log already in it.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58And what do you do then?
0:22:58 > 0:23:03You walk out and you go, who left this disgraceful thing in here?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I had to spend... I had to beat
0:23:05 > 0:23:10someone else's massive log to death
0:23:10 > 0:23:13before I could go back downstairs,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15for fear that they'd think I had left it.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- That is the worst of all possible... - That's awful.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19And they're all looking at you normally,
0:23:19 > 0:23:23apart from one person looking at you going, you have destroyed my log!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28You and I both know what I did there,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31and you can never tell anyone.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I am the winner here.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"Ah ah ah ah ah!"
0:23:35 > 0:23:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:40 > 0:23:41The question I was looking for is,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43how much will now be invested in developing the site
0:23:43 > 0:23:45of Britain's first super-casino?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48This is the news that the city of Manchester, the 16-to-1 outsider,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51won the race to become the site of the country's first
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Las Vegas-style super-casino.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56£265 million pounds will be spent in a run-down area of the city.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59One thing we know for sure is that people in Blackpool
0:23:59 > 0:24:01will be hanging themselves today,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03whether or not they've heard about the super-casino.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Hey, don't you clap that.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I'm telling you now, right, you just... It's like oxygen to him.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Be a good idea to maybe start off...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14It's like oxygen to the flame, ladies and gentlemen,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17if you keep doing that. I'll throw a few more briquettes on.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20What? One at a time, all right?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23A more professional host would do this in a sweeter way,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26but would you fucking calm the fuck down, the lot of you, right?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29We've got plenty of time. Ed Byrne, what did you want to say?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Will you at least wait till I've finished speaking?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- It isn't, "Ed Byrne..." - It doesn't...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- "..what did you want to say?" is it?- It doesn't go...
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Ed, what did you want to say?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41It doesn't matter.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- Can I jump in...- No! Shut up.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48This is great, I'm loving this.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50You go. No, you shut up! No, you go.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53A class of children today, I don't know what's up with you all.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57I've written the word "boobless" on my calculator.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Ed, I apologise, what did you want to say?
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- It's really not worth it now.- Fine. Right. Well, we shall move on!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:10 > 0:25:11The topic is Scotland.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16I have this covered.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Is that your image of Scotland there?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25You know that that's three English blokes at a wedding?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Do you remember years ago when they were making Braveheart,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31everyone said, "Oh, it's ridiculous Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34"that's not going to be very convincing."
0:25:34 > 0:25:37And look at him now - an alcoholic racist!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46The most Scottish thing I've ever seen,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I was going through a town called Bathgate,
0:25:48 > 0:25:50at about half past 11 at night
0:25:50 > 0:25:54and there was a guy pissing against a front door.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57He then took out his keys and went inside.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Frankie Boyle, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08My favourite story during the week of the procession of the torch,
0:26:08 > 0:26:12the endless procession of the torch is Jill Makinson-Sanders,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14who's the Mayor of a town called Louth in Lincolnshire,
0:26:14 > 0:26:18who decided, as the torch passed through her town, to dress up
0:26:18 > 0:26:21as one of the local products of the town of Louth in Lincolnshire.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24The town apparently is famous for its sausages.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Here's how she tried to dress up to welcome the torch.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32And she ran alongside the torch, ran alongside the torch,
0:26:32 > 0:26:37as a giant penis, down the streets screaming...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- It looks like you! - It does not look like me!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:45 > 0:26:50Nothing like... my arms do not start above my chin, like that.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- I love that...- No, that's for... - The 100th programme
0:26:53 > 0:26:56and the first time we've been heckled by the audience.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58"You look like a penis sausage."
0:26:58 > 0:27:02"You look like a giant penis sausage."
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Do you want to... You probably can do some clever directorial thing,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08just to disprove the fact that I look...you know, can be done?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11You see, just to scotch the rumours
0:27:11 > 0:27:14that I look like anything like a six-foot-tall penis sausage.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18HUGH: Oh, look, there.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Nothing like that.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- CHRIS:- Hold your cards up.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30HUGH: Other hand, other hand.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Teeth.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45The next topic is...
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Is it just me or does it all feel a bit wobbly?
0:27:55 > 0:28:00Due to a double booking, England's first match is against Simply Red.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11CHEERS AND WHOOPS
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Welcome to the 2008 Cup Final.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22So if you could all make your way to the coaches,
0:28:22 > 0:28:23we're on our way to Cardiff.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30And all for the same price as building a rope ladder
0:28:30 > 0:28:32between the Earth and Jupiter.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Can Mr Bin Laden report to lost property, please?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Mr Bin Laden.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47And who knows, maybe here, one day, with the right linesman,
0:28:47 > 0:28:51England can cheat their way to another World Cup victory.
0:28:54 > 0:29:00And maybe one day, with the right bunch of hooligans from Scotland,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03these goal posts can get trashed all over again.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08It cost £100 million to demolish Wembley.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10If you'd had your last game against Scotland,
0:29:10 > 0:29:12we'd have done it for nothing.
0:29:12 > 0:29:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd