0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen Throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But don't believe in everything You see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it # Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world # News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:29# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:29 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Our next round is called, If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Nathan, which category would you like?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- Home News, please. - OK, your category is Home News.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46The answer is trains, toilets and celebrities. What is the question?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Is it, if you're going to make a sex tape on public transport,
0:00:49 > 0:00:50what three things do you need?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56What three flavours come through when you're tasting English wine?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Is it, according to the coalition agreement,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04what three things do the Lib Dems have responsibility for?
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Is it, name three things I've left my umbrella in?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Is it three things you're probably best off not to lick clean?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Is it, what is the name of Thomas the Tank Engine's no holds barred autobiography?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Is it what Peter Andre says when he's asked what his daily routine is?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37HIGH PITCHED: "I like trains, I like toilets, I like celebrities."
0:01:40 > 0:01:42He's high pitched but not Australian any more?
0:01:42 > 0:01:46HIGH PITCHED/AUSTRALIAN: "I like trains, I like toilets, I like celebrities."
0:01:48 > 0:01:50"I went to a voice coach to get rid of my Australian accent
0:01:50 > 0:01:53"and I can't help thinking she's done something wrong."
0:01:54 > 0:01:56"I have been over in this country for a while,
0:01:56 > 0:02:00"so I sometimes slip into both fucking accents, Chris!"
0:02:01 > 0:02:04APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:07"I like trains because of me six pack."
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I get it, I get it!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12"I like toilets so I don't mess me jeans up."
0:02:12 > 0:02:16"And then I do the celebrities for making the money for the kids."
0:02:19 > 0:02:24APPLAUSE
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Does anyone have another answer?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Is it, what do we do better than Morocco?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39OK, can we have the correct answer, please?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40- I think I've got it.- Oh!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Is it...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45This is not the build-up to the correct answer, but go on.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Is it name three things I've puked up on at the Edinburgh Festival?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53APPLAUSE
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- I know the answer, Dara. - Chris, do you know the answer?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- I'll give you the real answer, Dara. - Will you give me the real answer?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03What are the three main talking points on a Saga holiday?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Is it three things that are full of shit?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15APPLAUSE
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I'm stuck on the Peter Andre thing.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22"You liked that, didn't you, Dara?"
0:03:23 > 0:03:27I did like that. "Where it makes some money for the children," that was the bit that got me.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- "Is it..."- No.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33"..what three things were most complained about at the Queen's Jubilee?"
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- If you can do that in a proper voice.- OK.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- GERMAN ACCENT: "Vhat three things vere most complained about..."- No.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41APPLAUSE
0:03:43 > 0:03:46What three things were most complained about at the Queen's Jubilee?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Very good, thank you very much, Chris Addison.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52APPLAUSE
0:03:52 > 0:03:57Yes, the question was, what aspects of the Queen's Jubilee celebration drew criticism from the press?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59The weekend was largely considered a success,
0:03:59 > 0:04:03but there were complaints that the trains couldn't cope with the vast crowds,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05raising concerns about next month's Olympics.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07The lack of toilets for revellers was also criticised,
0:04:07 > 0:04:11alongside the BBC's celebrity-heavy coverage. Did you watch the various events?
0:04:11 > 0:04:16The BBC's coverage was criticised for looking less like a Royal occasion and more like The One Show,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19but that is what the Queen calls it. "It's the "one" show."
0:04:20 > 0:04:24It was an excuse for a bit of a knees-up, though, wasn't it?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28It was one of those weekends where you get so munted Saturday, Sunday, Monday,
0:04:28 > 0:04:33you phone up work saying you can't come in Tuesday, forgetting that's a bank holiday as well.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37APPLAUSE
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Nine months from now, I bet you anything
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Flotilla will be the most popular girls' name.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Let's pick up on the people who had to do a lot of...
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- There was a woman in Tower Bridge interviewing the guy... - In it or on it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- In it, in the control room of Tower Bridge.- Oh, OK.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Just before the guy pressed the button to make the thing go whoop,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57she said, "So, is it going to work?"
0:04:57 > 0:05:01And the guy looked at her in kind of a, "Of course it's going to work!
0:05:02 > 0:05:05"Stop trying to introduce a note of peril."
0:05:05 > 0:05:07And she tries again, "Are you sure it's going to work?"
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Like suddenly it's an action movie.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12"Oh Jesus, the bridge is stuck! Quick!"
0:05:12 > 0:05:16And they're running down, he's wedging things, "She's coming, she's coming!"
0:05:16 > 0:05:19As if there was a danger that the Queen's boat is going to come along
0:05:19 > 0:05:22and then, "brrr," and then the Queen's running away
0:05:22 > 0:05:25as all the thrones get pushed back towards the back of the boat.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"Arrgh!" Off the back of the boat.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Yes, it's going to work!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33APPLAUSE
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Why were Royal finances in the news this week?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41Because the Queen blew all her money on a horse called Thug Hunter.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Not quite right. - The Queen is at the centre of an expenses scandal, isn't she,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49because she's been claiming Balmoral as her main residence
0:05:49 > 0:05:53and claiming the council tax back on Buckingham Palace!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56She's still got... Apparently she lost 6 million last year,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59had to spend 6 million, but she's still got 240 million in the bank.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02She's not going to turn up for the Christmas speech next year
0:06:02 > 0:06:06wearing a shell suit going, "It's been a tough year."
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Although, in fairness, they've taken her eyes, which is a bit...
0:06:09 > 0:06:13She does look like a cartoon character
0:06:13 > 0:06:17who's seen a sexy cartoon character and, "boing-oing-oing-oing."
0:06:18 > 0:06:20You'd think the Queen could print more money anyway,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23all she needs is a profile shot and a photocopier.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30They say the Queen spent £14,000 on a train journey
0:06:30 > 0:06:32from London to Liverpool, and that's what happens
0:06:32 > 0:06:37if you let an old-aged pensioner use the self service ticket machine.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40But in fairness, it's not the Queen, it's the others,
0:06:40 > 0:06:44like Princess Beatrice. She's at university at Goldsmiths
0:06:44 > 0:06:48and we're having to spend 300 grand on doing up her student digs.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51What kind of note is she going to leave on her fridge?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"Somebody had the quail's eggs."
0:06:54 > 0:06:57She's spent 300 grand getting her flat done up
0:06:57 > 0:07:00so she can go and study the history of ideas.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I've got an idea for you, Beatrice - get your fat arse down to B&Q!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08APPLAUSE
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Well the fact is, they're always going on about
0:07:13 > 0:07:16whether the Royal Family is actually value for money,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19but at the end of the day, you do get a lot of tourists coming in.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24If you go to Buckingham Palace on any day and see the number of tourists gawking at it -
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I don't think you'd still get the same numbers
0:07:26 > 0:07:29if they turfed out the Royal Family and turned it into a giant Lidl.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Do we need a royal family to attract American tourists? Have you seen those people?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36You could attract them with a fucking balloon on a stick.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40"Yeh, money, money."
0:07:40 > 0:07:41APPLAUSE
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I don't know about turning it into a big Lidl, but I think people
0:07:44 > 0:07:47would come from far and wide if the Queen was forced to work at Lidl.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50You can imagine going up to the Queen and going,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"Yeah, I want four packets of already broken biscuits, yeah."
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Do people still actually buy already broken biscuits?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Dara's hardly going to know the answer, is he?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02The new slim Dara doesn't know about biscuits. Look at him!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I didn't even recognise the word, biscuit.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07He looks like a Russian bodyguard. No, you look good.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10We should have started the show with you in front of the camera
0:08:10 > 0:08:11just doing a gun show, like that.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15"Do you like that, nation? They call me Vladimir."
0:08:15 > 0:08:18He looks like a Russian bodyguard, doesn't he?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I don't know if you realise, if you realise the story behind this,
0:08:21 > 0:08:25but Dara's lost weight because he's been on the Irish version of I'm A Celebrity,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27which is set during the potato famine.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34- Sorry.- How much weight...
0:08:34 > 0:08:37We were all a bit worried, when we heard about your weight loss,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40we were all a bit worried that you had AIDS. Because...
0:08:40 > 0:08:44No, we were genuinely worried, because none of us wore a condom.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50In fact, actually we'll chat about that later.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51How much weight have you lost?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Who, me? Since I've been on here, about two stone. - No, go on, tell us.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I'm not Coleen Nolan, this isn't Loose Women.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I'm not discussing weight loss on the show.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03APPLAUSE
0:09:05 > 0:09:10The question I was looking for was, from what approximate distance did a photographer take pictures
0:09:10 > 0:09:12of the Duchess of Cambridge sunbathing topless?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15This is the news that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have taken legal
0:09:15 > 0:09:20- action against French magazine "Clo-zer", which has printed topless photographs...- What's it called?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22The French call it "Clo-zer," for some reason.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27A French woman works on the show. I'm going, "Surely it's Clos-zay." She goes, "No, Clos-zer."
0:09:27 > 0:09:30A French court has blocked future publication of the pictures
0:09:30 > 0:09:33in France, but they've already been published in Italy and Ireland.
0:09:33 > 0:09:39There's loads of Royals who've been snapped naked, haven't they? Obviously Harry, now Kate.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Then we had Andrew before that. Charles before that. Countess of Wessex.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I mean, there have been in fact so many of them,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I think they should persuade a few more of them to do it
0:09:49 > 0:09:52and then they could release a charity calendar.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55The thing is, isn't it, it is terrible, it's unjustifiable,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57it's immoral, but I quite want to see the pictures.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Are you saying you haven't seen them yet?
0:09:59 > 0:10:03I haven't. I looked, I've seen fuzzy versions of them on the internet.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07They're all fuzzy, the pictures were taken from the Hubble Telescope.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09From the Hubble-Hubble Telescope.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Very good.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17What I found intriguing was... I don't know whether everyone was,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I was certainly waiting for the next time she appeared in public,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23to see if she would acknowledge what had happened to the cameras.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26And she didn't, she just did the same smile that she always does.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Because if someone had photographed my meat and two veg,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I probably would have come out and gone...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I think she's annoyed because - and every woman's had this on holiday -
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I've looked at the photos and they're at that awkward angle.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42When you're topless you've got to stay at a certain position or it's
0:10:42 > 0:10:45not attractive, and she's in that reaching for the sun cream position.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47That's what she's annoyed about.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51We've all got those photos, like my Uncle Terry where he popped out of his shorts.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53We've all got those bad holiday photos.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I didn't see that edition of "Clo-zer,"
0:10:56 > 0:11:01where Jo's Uncle Terry pops out of the shops and his shorts.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Do you think she's genuinely worried about it?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Don't you think there's just one tiny...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Do you think there's just one tiny bit of her that's thinking,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10"Where's my sister's arse now then, eh?"
0:11:12 > 0:11:15APPLAUSE
0:11:17 > 0:11:22- Which publications have printed the photographs?- "Clo-zer."- "Clo-zer." - "Clo-zer."- "Clo-zer."
0:11:22 > 0:11:25The Irish Daily Star. Because she's not your future queen.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27That was the Irish Daily Star's thing.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31An Italian magazine called Chi and the Irish Daily Star published it,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33but they gave very different excuses, right.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35The Italian excuse was very,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"But they are young and they are beautiful and they are in love."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And the Irish Daily Star was, "She's not our queen."
0:11:42 > 0:11:45There are always photos like that, not of the Royals,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48but topless photos in magazines, shot with a long lens,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52they are always of - there's kissing and cuddling in the pool,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55and then they're putting sun cream on each other.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57And these are meant to be sexy, erotic.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02There's nothing less erotic than putting sun cream on your partner's back, is there?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- It's just something you have to do. - You have to do, yeah.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09You have to do it because you can't put sun cream on your own back,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12so you've got to reach a deal with the person who's going to do it.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14That's all, isn't it? That's all it is.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I was photographed on holidays once by... Papped, papped, yeah.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I was taking a holiday and I was doing exactly that.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26And the pictures, if you saw them, they were quite shocking, and it was an intrusion of our privacy.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32That wasn't on holiday, was it, Dara?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- No. That wasn't a holiday for me.- It was in our house, wasn't it, Dara?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38That's the least erotic thing I've ever seen.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Where do we get this... Where does the guy in the office find the source photograph?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44- I believe he has your laptop.- Yes.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Our next round is called Newsreel. We play a recent piece of footage
0:12:50 > 0:12:54featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56This week's clip features the Royal Family.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59IMPERSONATES HILLARY CLINTON: "How you doing? What can I tell you?
0:12:59 > 0:13:04"The Democrats had a choice between a woman and a black man and they went for the black man.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05"Can you believe it?!"
0:13:05 > 0:13:07IMPERSONATES THE QUEEN: "Well, I can't..."
0:13:07 > 0:13:10IMPERSONATES PHILIP: "I can't believe that was the choice."
0:13:10 > 0:13:12"Yes, well, how charming."
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"Does anybody know who that was?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21"Was that, was that Judith Chalmers? Bloody dreadful woman."
0:13:21 > 0:13:23"Oh hello, Darling. Eyebrows still black, I see.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27"When they go white, we'll know we're all in the shit.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28"Oh God, oh God, oh God!"
0:13:29 > 0:13:33IMPERSONATES BORIS JOHNSON: "Terribly sorry, I dropped my Oyster card.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"Anyway, can't wait, I've got to see the Queen, I think."
0:13:36 > 0:13:39"Oh God, I hate these things, oh God.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43"So tedious, I'd much rather be doing something else like shooting someone, or...
0:13:43 > 0:13:47"Oh, hang on, no wait a minute, this is the guy I've been waiting for.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52"I'm absolutely starving. I'll have two lamb pasandas and a Peshwari naan, please.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54"And hurry up about it."
0:13:54 > 0:13:56"Philip, please, that is the President of India."
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"Yes, that's the restaurant we always go to."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01"These are the leaders of the free world,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"please try not to say anything offensive."
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"Oh I never do. What do you mean?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"Oh my God, there are thousands of them!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12"It's like bloody Dover, you can't come in here, we haven't got any room.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14"We're a tiny country, what are you thinking of, go...
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- "Oh, hello. Are you Korean?" - "Yes."
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"I love your culture."
0:14:20 > 0:14:22"Don't worry, I've locked up the corgis."
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Well done, Hugh.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28APPLAUSE
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Here's a picture from the Jubilee, what's going on?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Is the Queen saying, "So be it, young Skywalker, now die!"
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Is she saying, "I can see you looking, Elton.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"It's my tiara, you cannot borrow it."
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Tom Jones looks like he's trying to hypnotise the Queen.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Either that or he's being goosed by Paul McCartney. Something's going on.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02She's probably saying, "Oh dear, I seem to be at Madame Tussauds."
0:15:04 > 0:15:07APPLAUSE
0:15:09 > 0:15:15Is she saying, "Now you do all have the number for Dignitas, don't you?"
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Is she saying, "I've got major beef with you, Richard.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24"I've... I've got major beef with you, Richard..."
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Hang on, is she Peter Andre?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30APPLAUSE
0:15:32 > 0:15:36I trained! "Oh, Christ!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"Don't compare me to the Queen, Chris!"
0:15:39 > 0:15:41"I've got major beef with you, Richard.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45"You put the Lord's Prayer to Auld Lang Syne again, I'll cut your face!"
0:15:48 > 0:15:50It does look like it could be an advert, sort of.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52If you look at McCartney and Tom Jones,
0:15:52 > 0:15:57it looks like a before and after for Just For Men, doesn't it?
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Is the Queen saying, "Go on, pull my finger."
0:16:01 > 0:16:04APPLAUSE
0:16:04 > 0:16:07All the American acts bizarrely said happy birthday to her,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11was that...you know? Grace Jones, who had a hula hoop for the last...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Randomly walks out hula-hooping.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15# Slave to the rhythm...
0:16:15 > 0:16:17That was the weirdest thing!
0:16:17 > 0:16:21I genuinely thought, am I the only one seeing this? Why?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24# Slave to the rhythm...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Who booked Grace Jones?!
0:16:26 > 0:16:32She wasn't hula-hooping, she'd been imprisoned by the elders of Krypton.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Was it not a bit strange that they built that really elaborate,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37beautiful rowboat called... what's it called, the Gloriana?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Gloriana, my mate built that.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42For the Queen, and yet was it just me who thought it's a bit weird
0:16:42 > 0:16:45that she's not on it? Because the only person on it was Clare Balding.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Essentially, there's thousands of foreign tourists
0:16:48 > 0:16:51who think that Clare Balding is the Queen.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"I saw the British Queen the other day,
0:16:53 > 0:16:58"looks like she can handle herself in a pub fight."
0:16:58 > 0:16:59APPLAUSE
0:17:01 > 0:17:04In this round, one player takes the role of a famous person
0:17:04 > 0:17:08making a speech, while the other says what they really mean.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11So, Rory, you are Prince Charles giving a speech on the occasion
0:17:11 > 0:17:13of his mother's birthday.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Hugh, tell us what he's really saying. Take it away.
0:17:25 > 0:17:31AS PRINCE CHARLES: "Um, hello, Mummy. Gosh, you look so well."
0:17:33 > 0:17:34"Blast!"
0:17:37 > 0:17:41"Um, a little birdie tells me..."
0:17:42 > 0:17:44"It's all over the newspapers."
0:17:45 > 0:17:48"..that today is a very special day."
0:17:50 > 0:17:51"You're still alive."
0:17:54 > 0:17:58"I'm sure I speak for the rest of the family
0:17:58 > 0:18:03"when I say, um, er..."
0:18:03 > 0:18:04"Boo!"
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"That's very good."
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"Thank you very much."
0:18:17 > 0:18:19"What do you do?"
0:18:19 > 0:18:21"I make organic biscuits."
0:18:21 > 0:18:24"Oh wonderful. Marvellous, marvellous."
0:18:24 > 0:18:27In other Royal news, who's been found in a car park in Leicester?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Stan Collymore.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Hmm...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33This...this is Richard III, isn't it?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- It is Richard III, yes. - Do you know about Richard III?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- I know a little bit, yes.- Well...
0:18:37 > 0:18:40My image of Richard III would be either -
0:18:40 > 0:18:42we weren't taught a lot of that in school - is of the Shakespeare...
0:18:42 > 0:18:45RASPING: "Now is the winter of our discontent."
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- No, I think that was... - "Skywalker."
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Richard...
0:18:50 > 0:18:54"Your friends cannot save you now."
0:18:54 > 0:18:57"Oh, the Death Star will be quite operational
0:18:57 > 0:19:01"when your friends arrive."
0:19:01 > 0:19:05You get a different version. You get a different version to us.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"Die, Vader! Ha ha ha ha!"
0:19:08 > 0:19:14Richard III was the man who lost the War of the Roses to Alan Titchmarsh.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18And his remains, he died at the Battle of Bosworth
0:19:18 > 0:19:22and his remains have been found under a car park in Leicester.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Which is great, but they don't know what to do with him,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27because he's lost his ticket
0:19:27 > 0:19:29and he's got six grand in back payments.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34He's got to pay another 50, because he's buried across two spaces.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36It's not a big deal either, is it? They've found him in a...
0:19:36 > 0:19:39It's not a big deal?! He's the only one of...
0:19:39 > 0:19:43No, it's not a big deal, they find Prince Harry in a skip most weeks.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46It's an amazing addition to Leicester's Hall of Fame.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50They've got Engelbert Humperdinck, Showaddywaddy, Rusty Lee
0:19:50 > 0:19:54and now, Richard III. It's the worst variety show of all time.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56All MC'd by Gary Lineker.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59He comes on at the end, "Arrgh, ha ha ha!"
0:19:59 > 0:20:02See, I'm suspicious it is Richard III,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05firstly because they didn't have car parks in the olden days.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08And also because they found the bones in a small cardboard box
0:20:08 > 0:20:12labelled Southern Fried Chicken.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Chickens do have a curvature of the spine, indeed.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- Yes, they do. Wings.- It is, yes.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21And people were a lot smaller then, so he's probably right.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23They weren't the size of a chicken!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Somewhere there's a couple of lads going,
0:20:25 > 0:20:30"I have found Richard III." Phoom! Just a chicken carcass.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33"Yeah, yeah, look, look at that. We didn't even have to dig.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37"One of the cars pulled out and it was just here. It was just sitting there."
0:20:37 > 0:20:43They think he killed the Princes in the Tower, they're not sure, either the candlestick or the lead piping.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44That's one thing.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47And they think that now, he was probably quite a good king, in fact.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49He also said, "A horse, a horse, a kingdom for a horse."
0:20:49 > 0:20:53I think he should've been saying, "The Force, the Force!
0:20:53 > 0:20:59"My Empire for the Force, Skywalker!"
0:20:59 > 0:21:01That is the greatest thing of anything in the world.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05"Oh the Death Star will be quite operational."
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- He's appeared to be in Monkey this time.- Yeah, "Monkey!"
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"Waargh!" Like a Chinese Death Star.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14CHINESE ACCENT: "This Death Star lot cheaper than the other Death Star.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19"But it not fire as far." Who the hell is this?!
0:21:19 > 0:21:24"You cross my palm with a lightsaber, I tell your fortune."
0:21:25 > 0:21:29"We don't deliver to Endor."
0:21:29 > 0:21:31"Endor, far away. You have to collect.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34"I'll put down the forcefield so you can get in, innit."
0:21:40 > 0:21:42APPLAUSE
0:21:45 > 0:21:49I'm looking forward to the worldwide distribution of this episode.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- We were merely doing impressions of one another's impressions.- Yes!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I was quite shocked to see the picture of him,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00because I read today he's only 32. He looks like Dot Cotton.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03To be fair to him though, that's not actually a picture of him,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05because they couldn't take pictures at the time.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- That's probably a painting or something.- Oh, really?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Did they have paparazzi back then?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12If his wife was showing her boobs on a balcony,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15would somebody have got a tapestry cushion and started...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Presumably, if you've already got the cushion,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26it's relatively easy just to sew a nipple on the top and then go...
0:22:26 > 0:22:27APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:33OK, the next topic is the Royals. Frankie.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41I like the tour where Prince Charles went to India with Camilla.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Actually, like, proper rural India as well.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46You know that half the people that saw them were going,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48"Diana's let herself go."
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Apparently they couldn't send Prince Harry to Iraq
0:22:53 > 0:22:57because they couldn't afford the resources required to start
0:22:57 > 0:23:00developing factor 60,000 sun block.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Poor old Harry had his uniform packed.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07It was a 1941 SS Stormtrooper.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15In many ways, Harry's just a typical British squaddie, isn't he?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19In that he has absolutely no idea who his real father is.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Frankie Boyle.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Why was this man in the news recently?
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Oh, it's what's happened in Vegas not staying in Vegas?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Yes, very much so, yeah. Why is that?
0:23:38 > 0:23:45Because he was playing strip billiards and we all found out.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- Yes.- People were saying, though, that he was a gentleman,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52because in the photos, he had his hands over the breasts of the woman.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55And you're thinking, obviously the definition of gentleman
0:23:55 > 0:23:58has changed a bit since I was growing up.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00It's this bullshit that we get sold the whole time.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03"Oh, he's just like us, they're just like us, the Royal Family."
0:24:03 > 0:24:07They're not just like us. You have never accidentally ended up
0:24:07 > 0:24:10in a part of your house you've never been in before.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13They are not like us.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18"Huh, the kitchen!" 1970s joke.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- But the troops in Afghanistan, they've all come out in support, haven't they?- Yeah.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29By taking photos of themselves, you know, stripped completely naked.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34And it's basically Carry On Up The Khyber all over again, isn't it?
0:24:34 > 0:24:38These photos were actually taken before the Harry thing,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41this is just down to Government cut-backs.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43It says they're doing it in support of Harry.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45They're not, are they? They're taunting him.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Stripping naked in the Afghan sun, going,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49"Try it over here, ginger lad."
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Two minutes naked out there, he'd look like a Babybel.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Yes, there are websites of squaddies and squaddies' families
0:24:59 > 0:25:01who have supported Prince Harry, decided to...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I'm not saying that... I'm not much of a Royalist, but it's not...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I still think there's an important principle here, that, you know,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09if a man wants to be naked at a party,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11then we should support that as much as we can.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14That's why I published this particular photograph.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- Wow, Dara! - I was proud to do that. Yeah.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20APPLAUSE
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I'm just thinking, you've got an All Blacks tattoo there.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- Yes, it is actually, yeah. - Are you an albino Maori?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I BRIEFLY played for the All Blacks
0:25:27 > 0:25:30before that photo was poorly doctored.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33If you think my tattoos are bad, you should see Andy's tattoos.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Andy's tattoos are terrible. I mean, he really has...
0:25:36 > 0:25:37AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:25:38 > 0:25:41And Hugh, we're not saying that you're, you know...
0:25:41 > 0:25:44but I thought you were generous to do it amidst foliage,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46which I thought was discreet.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Wait a minute...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54There's a growing sense of inevitability.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Chris must now realise that his is possibly the most erotic of all.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- Again, that is real. - That is your pussy.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Well, and that has confirmed many people's suspicions
0:26:07 > 0:26:09that if you see me naked, there is a pussy.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14OK, here we go. The first subject is,
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Things You Didn't Hear At The Queen's Jubilee.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23And look at that, a sea of red, white and blue, as thousands of
0:26:23 > 0:26:29hyperactive children vomit up the icing from the Jubilee cup cakes.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30BUZZER SOUNDS
0:26:30 > 0:26:32You can't help thinking that
0:26:32 > 0:26:34nationalism may have gone a little too far.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38The flotilla is now anchored off France ready to invade Calais.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39BUZZER SOUNDS
0:26:42 > 0:26:45And we hear recently that the Queen's dogs have done
0:26:45 > 0:26:48a complete overhaul of the Palace plumbing system.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Mercifully, they're Corgi registered.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55BUZZER SOUNDS
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Come in, number 46, your time is up!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04BUZZER SOUNDS
0:27:04 > 0:27:07"And now's our chance to join in lustily with the second verse
0:27:07 > 0:27:09"of the National Anthem."
0:27:10 > 0:27:15# Um, to be served... # To... Ma ma ma...
0:27:15 > 0:27:16# The Queen.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19BUZZER SOUNDS
0:27:23 > 0:27:27"Yes, doc, so if I say I've got a bladder infection, will it work?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30"Oh, excellent, I can't stand Gary Barlow."
0:27:30 > 0:27:31BUZZER SOUNDS
0:27:34 > 0:27:36"Harry, when I told you to put on your uniform,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39"I didn't mean THAT one."
0:27:39 > 0:27:40BUZZER SOUNDS
0:27:43 > 0:27:47And it's amazing to think, isn't it? She is 86 years old.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Please give it up one more time, Annie Lennox.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52BUZZER SOUNDS
0:27:54 > 0:27:57And this is a real Jubilee mug,
0:27:57 > 0:28:01a man who's paid £25 for a Jubilee mug.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02BUZZER SOUNDS
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Awful scenes before the concert,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10as a rather embarrassing fat man has jumped onto the stage.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14He's pulling faces and mouthing to Robbie Williams records...
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Oh...oh!
0:28:17 > 0:28:19BUZZER SOUNDS
0:28:21 > 0:28:23And the Queen places the diamond in the stand,
0:28:23 > 0:28:26lighting the final Jubilee beacon.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Now, she enters the Crystal Dome
0:28:29 > 0:28:33and tries to collect as many golden coupons as she can.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34BUZZER SOUNDS
0:28:38 > 0:28:42And the boats spread out over the vast space of the Thames,
0:28:42 > 0:28:45like thoughts in Fearne Cotton's head.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48BUZZER SOUNDS
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Well, there she is, Her Majesty The Queen.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Where else could you see an 86-year-old standing for hours
0:28:55 > 0:28:59just waiting to be seen? Well, any NHS hospital.
0:29:01 > 0:29:02BUZZER SOUNDS
0:29:06 > 0:29:11And as his eyes gradually became accustomed to the shadowy darkness,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14he realised he was not alone in that room.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Ah! Who is it?
0:29:16 > 0:29:19"It's me, Peter Andre!"
0:29:21 > 0:29:22BUZZER SOUNDS
0:29:22 > 0:29:24APPLAUSE
0:29:24 > 0:29:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd