0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# Read all about it
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0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world
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0:00:27 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O Briain, and joining me are Andy Parsons,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Seann Walsh and Greg Davies,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53And we start with Headliners. Here's a recent picture
0:00:53 > 0:00:56of FIFA President Sepp Blatter.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59But what does BSIP stand for?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Is it Bean Sprouts In Package?
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Is it...
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Blatter Steals Idiot's Pizza?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Is it Bull Shitter Is President?
0:01:13 > 0:01:18Is it Beckhamth's Spelling is Phunny?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Does he actually have that pronounced a lisp, does he?
0:01:27 > 0:01:28No, he doesn't.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Is it the new cough medicine that Beckham's launching?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33It's called Becksip.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36On the advert he goes, "Well, you know, at the end of the day,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39"if you've got the flu, you know, you take Becksip and, at the end
0:01:39 > 0:01:45"of the day, you take one in the morning and then once at the end of the day, at the end of the day."
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Can I just say, he's got a bit of a lisp.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53You can tell that Beckham thinks something is wrong.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55If you look at the picture, he's going, "Ey?"
0:01:55 > 0:01:58There's an A coming out of his mouth. Ey?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Ey?
0:02:02 > 0:02:06It's not Biscuit Selection Impresses President, is it?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I can't get away from the fact
0:02:08 > 0:02:12that Sepp Blatter sounds like 'set platter'.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16What it actually sounds like is a German man saying, "Step ladder."
0:02:19 > 0:02:24IN GERMAN ACCENT: "Yes, zat building is on fire, I'll get a Sepp Blatter."
0:02:24 > 0:02:26APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:31"All we need is a Sepp Blatter."
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Is it quite a small building? Firemen have a step ladder?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"Oh, well, turns out this was the wrong thing to bring to the World Trade Center.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- "It's considerably higher than we'd imagined."- Anyone got the correct answer?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Blatter Stays In Power. - Very good. Well done, Chris.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46APPLAUSE
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Yes. The answer I was looking for was Blatter Stays In Power.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52This is the news that Switzerland's Sepp Blatter has retained
0:02:52 > 0:02:56the presidency following an election in which he was the only candidate.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00The election went ahead despite calls from the English Football Association to postpone it
0:03:00 > 0:03:05following months of controversy for FIFA, in relation to allegations of corruption and bribery.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08This, by the way, is the ballot slip that was used in the election.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- Is that a mock up from The Sun?- That was taken over someone's shoulder.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Looks weirdly like Facebook. Dislike!
0:03:19 > 0:03:23People will go, "I've never heard of Joseph, who's Joseph?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25"I've heard of Sepp, he's a friend of mine."
0:03:25 > 0:03:29The German candidate going, "Well, I was voting for Step Ladder."
0:03:30 > 0:03:34"That name is very high on that bit of paper. I may need a Sepp Blatter."
0:03:38 > 0:03:41You're going to keep going back to that one again, are you?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45I'm afraid I vill, at various points during ze show.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- So, who backed England's call to postpone the election? - Prince William.- He did, yes.
0:03:49 > 0:03:56Prince William was there, he was basically saying, wasn't he, that they should postpone the election.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01And you're thinking, "They've got somebody who's a member of a family that have basically run
0:04:01 > 0:04:04"this country for centuries by divine right, telling other people
0:04:04 > 0:04:08"about proper democratic accountability."
0:04:08 > 0:04:09APPLAUSE
0:04:12 > 0:04:16After that lovely wedding! How dare you turn on him
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- after that delightful morning they gave you?- Who was our delegation?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Beckham, Prince William and Cameron. They are all loaded.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Surely they could have just done what every other country did,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30put their hand in their pocket and got us the World Cup.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35I think it was supposed to impress people - "We have brought Prince William".
0:04:35 > 0:04:38How was that going to impress someone from, like, Qatar?
0:04:38 > 0:04:44"I am Prince William." "I am also a prince. So is my brother, and my dog, and my granny."
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- "We're all princes here."- The FA are talking about withdrawing from FIFA.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51But that means they would just be called FI.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59Every time they announced a meeting, they would think a big giant was coming.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05It's very difficult to tell whether it is bribery or not, I think.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07You don't quite know in organisations like that.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12But what Sepp Blatter said, when he was accused of it and when he was making that speech in Geneva,
0:05:12 > 0:05:17he said, "Our pyramid is shaking and our ship is taking on water."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20And you think, "They've got a pyramid and a ship, where did they come from?"
0:05:20 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Did the Egyptian delegate go, "Shut up about the pyramids!"
0:05:29 > 0:05:32The other reason I haven't been too worried about the news coverage,
0:05:32 > 0:05:37apart from the fact that Sepp Blatter sounds like Step Ladder, is because...
0:05:37 > 0:05:41during the coverage they kept going on about the Qatari representative, Bin Hammam.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Every time I heard that I thought, "A bit of Benylin will sort that out."
0:05:44 > 0:05:49- Every time, I said that to myself. - Did you?- Yes.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53"Oh, the medicine is in a high cabinet. I will have to get a..." LAUGHTER
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"..Step Ladder."
0:05:59 > 0:06:03I think the Qataris sound like something out of Doctor Who anyway.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I'm a Qatari!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08We are a proud warrior nation!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11He suggested that they now need an ethics committee.
0:06:11 > 0:06:18And he's appointed to the ethics committee Henry Kissinger, an 88-year-old war criminal.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23That's who you want on an ethics committee! Who else has he got in mind? Abu Hamza,
0:06:23 > 0:06:28the Child Catcher off Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the producers of Britain's Got Talent.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Why do they want Kim Basinger to be in FIFA?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36I still can't work that out... Did you say that Kim Basinger is going to be head of FIFA?
0:06:36 > 0:06:40That's exactly what I said, I said, "Kim Basinger is going to be head of FIFA.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45Just after I said, "You need to get a hair cut, it's right in front of your ears."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Also, you don't want the World Cup in the Middle East.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54If any match goes to sudden death, that's just tempting fate.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:58 > 0:07:02What could the Liberal Democrats lose in the next general election?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Up to a quarter of their seats, apparently.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Yes. How would they lose a quarter?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Apart from the 75% of their seats they'll lose due to their unpopularity,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- but the other quarter, how are they going to lose them? - Boundary changes.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17It's like you're selling it to me. Boundary changes.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19More boundary changes than you could possibly imagine.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Boundary changes, moonlight, good times and boogie.
0:07:24 > 0:07:31How are they going to decide which 50 MPs to get rid of? Laser Quest!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Or...release a lion into the House of Commons
0:07:35 > 0:07:39and wait until it's had enough and hope it doesn't go for Eric Pickles first.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Then there'll be only 640.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45"I couldn't eat another MP, I'm absolutely...
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"Does anyone want this leg?"
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Labour have said it's going to lead to more safe Tory seats.
0:07:51 > 0:07:57Of course, not as much as there are safe Tory seats now because of the way the Lib Dems are going.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Nothing could get worse for Nick Clegg at the moment.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03His reputation could go no further.
0:08:03 > 0:08:09If he got his knob out at the Royal Wedding, his popularity would only have increased.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Only if you found out that his charming Spanish wife sold salad,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18would his popularity have been any lower.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I think if two Labour MPs find themselves against each other,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26they should combine like the Transformers
0:08:26 > 0:08:30to create one super MP and destroy all of the Liberals forever.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- There's something in that plan. - LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:40It may need slightly more working out than that, though.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43It's the one-year anniversary of the coalition at this point.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I bet David forgot.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I bet Nick was ringing him up going, "So, where are you taking me?"
0:08:49 > 0:08:51We know where he's taking you.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53And how roughly.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56- I agree. - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:08:56 > 0:09:01Cameron constantly going on about the strength of the union and how strong they are.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05I think they should be made to kiss in public.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10That's what we used to do at primary school if people said they liked each other, we made them kiss.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15Was this during your career as a pupil, or your later career as a teacher?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- It was in prison. - WILD LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:25And the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Now, we play a round called There's No Super Injunction On Our Ryan Gags.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- LAUGHTER - This game involves Greg, Milton and Seann.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45This round is a stand up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48one of our performers will step forward and talk about the subject.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. Here we go.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52The first subject is...
0:09:55 > 0:09:58..trust. Who wants to come in on that? Seann.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06I get guilty when I'm with a friend and he loses money in his house.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10This happened to me recently, my friend lost a fiver. I thought,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"Does he think I've taken his fiver? Is this what's happening?"
0:10:13 > 0:10:17I want to say I haven't taken it, but I don't want him to think that I'm guilty.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18I start thinking, "HAVE I taken his fiver?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21"Maybe I've taken his fiver." "Maybe I've put his fiver in my pocket."
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I want to check my pocket. I can't check my pocket.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26If he sees me checking my pocket he'll think I've nicked his fiver.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I want to go and hide and check my pocket.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I can't hide and check my pocket, if I hide and check my pocket, he's definitely going to think
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I nicked his fiver. So I went into the bathroom, I found his fiver.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I couldn't go and give it to him. It would've looked like I got guilty and decided to give it back.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I can't just leave it there. He's seen me go in.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44It's going to look like I planted it. So I just nicked it.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:50 > 0:10:53OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59The subject is family. Who wants to come in on that? Greg.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05All of my family are obsessed by the ageing process.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Every single generation of us are obsessed with it at the moment.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12I'll just share this with you before I talk about other family members, so I can get it off my chest.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I was visiting my parents last week and an old family friend came up
0:11:15 > 0:11:19to us in the street and said to my mum, "Hello, Pauline, how are you?"
0:11:19 > 0:11:21She said, "I'm all right, thanks, Cath, how are you?"
0:11:21 > 0:11:25And she looked up at me and said, "Hello, Bob. How are you?"
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Bob is my dad!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31He is 75 years of age!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38All of us are obsessed with aging in our family, even my nan.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40My nan is doing her best to hold off the years.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43She puts her pound of face cream on every single morning.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47There's not a face cream on the market that works, ladies and gentlemen.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I know that because of my nan - she's a lovely woman, but she's religiously applied
0:11:51 > 0:11:55this stuff and with the best will in the world, her face is ruined.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01I said to her, "You've spent all that time and money, Gran, and your face is no better than Grandad's.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"And he's dead.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05"He died in the war.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"He got shot in the face."
0:12:12 > 0:12:14"With a cannon."
0:12:19 > 0:12:21APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:29OK. That leaves you with Milton. Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33And the subject is travel.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41When I was young and my mum used to put food on the spoon and say,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44"There's a train coming, there's a train coming!"
0:12:44 > 0:12:49We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't, she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Tried to get here by train today.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00They said, "Today there's a bus replacement service."
0:13:00 > 0:13:04So I gave them a tin of pineapple chunks.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08They said, "What's that?" I said, "That's my money replacement service."
0:13:10 > 0:13:12APPLAUSE
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I didn't have any money because a friend nicked my fiver.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Thanks, that doesn't normally work.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34Anyway, I managed to borrow a car and I parked it up in Bus Lane.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Last year, I went on a ballooning holiday.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Put on four stone.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53The other day, I bought one of those off road vehicles. 3,000 quid.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Got it home, found out it was a canoe.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:01 > 0:14:05At the end of that round, the points go to Milton Jones.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Come on back.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Seann, which category would you like?- Can I go for Sport?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23OK, Sport it is. The answer is 500 million. What is the question?
0:14:23 > 0:14:30Is it the amount of times that Ryan Giggs has got home late and said, "Ah, extra football training."
0:14:31 > 0:14:36Is it: How many doors do a Jehovah's Witness have to knock on before someone lets them in?
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Is it: How many times does Cheryl Cole have to repeat a sentence
0:14:42 > 0:14:45before the American public will understand?
0:14:45 > 0:14:51Is it: How many tiny farmers with their tiny ploughs does it take to make a field of corduroy?
0:14:57 > 0:15:03Is it: How many times Wayne Rooney would have to play a monkey at Connect Four before he won?
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Is it: How many lines would you get if you shagged the headmaster's wife?
0:15:16 > 0:15:22Is it: If you took the entrails from every adult in the United Kingdom and laid them all out end to end,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25how many years in prison would you get?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Is it: How many times do we have to bomb Gaddafi's house before
0:15:31 > 0:15:34NATO admit that we're actually trying to kill him?
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Is it: How many bumps will Stonehenge get on its next birthday?
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Is it: How many miles I would run to punch Justin Bieber in the face?
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Is it what rhymes with shmive hundred smillion?
0:15:59 > 0:16:04If that's what we're doing, then can I have the correct answer, please?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Is that the end of the round, then?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10That's definitely a sign of either the end of the round or the end of days.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16Is it the amount of money they're hoping to earn from selling Olympic tickets?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19That's close enough. Well done, Andy Parsons.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Yes, the question I was looking for was, how much
0:16:23 > 0:16:28does the organising committee of the London Olympics hope to raise from ticket sales for next year's Games?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31This follows from the revelation that 900,000 people missed out
0:16:31 > 0:16:34on Olympic tickets in the recent application process.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37There were 20 million requests for 6.6 million seats.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Who has got tickets?- Me. - You got tickets?- Yeah.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Hang on, have you got no tickets?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45I've got very little and I'm furious. It was a farce, wasn't it?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46No!
0:16:46 > 0:16:50They basically said, "We'll take money out of your account
0:16:50 > 0:16:54"and tell you in three weeks' time what you may or may not have got."
0:16:54 > 0:16:58It's like being organised by the Bank of Nigeria.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Congratulations, you've won tickets for the Olympics.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Just fax 2,000 quid to this random number.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13And then collect your 400 tickets for the volleyball qualifiers.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17My wife wanted to go and see the shooting.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I'm not paying 80 quid to see shooting in east London.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21You can see that for free!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I think anybody who hasn't got tickets, don't worry too much.
0:17:27 > 0:17:33Let's face it, the general feeling is that the transport system will still be muck, there'll be massive queues
0:17:33 > 0:17:38to get in, it'll be a fiver a pint, the burgers will be half cooked, you'll have people with fat thighs
0:17:38 > 0:17:44sat either side of you and a really tall bloke in front of you with a kid with ADHD.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:47 > 0:17:49To be fair, though, to be fair,
0:17:49 > 0:17:54that's what they're selling, an experience you'll never forget.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I'm very lucky, I'm going to the swimming baths to see
0:17:58 > 0:18:01the 400-metre butterfly and I can't wait to see an insect that big.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08APPLAUSE
0:18:08 > 0:18:12OK, which famous Londoner missed out on tickets to the Games?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Jack the Ripper.- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- No, another more famous Londoner than that.- Dick Van Dyke. - Not Dick Van Dyke!
0:18:20 > 0:18:24IN COCKNEY ACCENT: I can't believe it! I put down for loads of 'em!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Cor blimey, Mary!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Which Londoner famously missed out on tickets?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Boris Johnson didn't get any tickets
0:18:32 > 0:18:35and he's obviously not very confident, is he?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38That's Boris Johnson about to do a knife attack!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Have you seen John Prescott's offer
0:18:44 > 0:18:46to the people who didn't get tickets?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50He put a Tweet out saying, "If you've missed out on tickets to the Olympic Games,
0:18:50 > 0:18:56"the East Hull Olympic Games start today in the park near my constituency."
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It's of saying, "Can't afford the opera?
0:18:58 > 0:19:02"There's a tramp at the bottom of my road. He whistles My Way."
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Greg, why are you following John Prescott on Twitter?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Private reasons.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13HE MOUTHS
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Let me ask you, what's the first taste of Olympic fever that we're going to get?
0:19:19 > 0:19:24We're basically going to have the Olympic flame, which is apparently going to go round the country,
0:19:24 > 0:19:30including six of our islands, including Guernsey, Jersey and the Orkneys,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33and that's of course if when it goes to the Orkneys they don't keep
0:19:33 > 0:19:37whoever takes it there and worship them as a God.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Some former Olympic athletes are going to be taking the torch round.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46You know that all round the country, street cleaners along the route
0:19:46 > 0:19:50are going, "Please not Paula Radcliffe, please not Paula Radcliffe."
0:19:50 > 0:19:55I go to East London quite a lot. When it gets there, it's just going to be stopped every five seconds
0:19:55 > 0:19:59with people just going, "I couldn't borrow your lighter, could I?"
0:19:59 > 0:20:02The torch has to be guarded by the police. What's being offered to them
0:20:02 > 0:20:05for guarding the Olympic torch on this 8,000-mile journey?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- Counselling?- Counselling.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10To help them get back into the proper world at the end of it.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Actually, they need counselling before they start, if you're going to run for 70 days behind a flame.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Do you think they're going to have some sort of moth syndrome,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21if they've been running behind a blame for last 70 days?!
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Just constantly...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27jumping at the moon! Argh!
0:20:27 > 0:20:31For God's sake, don't put him on the night shift again, it was a disaster last night!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Jumping over walls to get to people's barbecues and just staring at it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I worship the flame now.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41The flame is my God now.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45SOME APPLAUSE
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Moving on... - LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:52What did Wayne Rooney admit on Twitter this week?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- He's admitted to having a hair transplant.- Yes, he has, yes.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Cos the said he was being teased by his team mates.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02And you're thinking, his team mates call him Shrek!
0:21:02 > 0:21:09That has got very little to do with his hair and a lot to do with his ears and his nose and his face!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Is he going to have them transplanted as well?
0:21:13 > 0:21:20I mean, the best thing he can hope for is still being teased by his team mates, but being called hairy Shrek.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25He Tweeted, "It's still a bit bruised and swollen.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"When it dies down, you'll be the first to see it."
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Apparently, he was just re Tweeting Ryan Giggs.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Is it standard when you have a hair transplant to have a zip put on the front?
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- What's that zip for? - To keep his pyjamas in.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Oh, it's time for bed!
0:21:49 > 0:21:54My uncle had a hair transplant and he just got great big floppy ears, but he could run fast.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58You've really got to trust the surgeon, haven't you?
0:21:58 > 0:22:03Isn't it that he takes hair from places that you've got lots and he puts them in places where you...
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I don't think it's just free rein to go anywhere at all.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11What if he did? What if he did? He could end up looking like a scourer.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It's a Scouser.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I'm going a bit here, I think, let's be honest, I was at one point...
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Don't talk to me with your "I'm going a bit here!"
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Dara, I've been putting a bit on here as well. I'm going a bit at the seams, Dara.
0:22:36 > 0:22:42Apparently two out of three men will suffer from male pattern baldness, where obviously you start losing it
0:22:42 > 0:22:45on the top and then it starts coming out of your ears.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48And you're thinking, "That's not much of a pattern, is it?"
0:22:48 > 0:22:51There's nothing worse than when the barber discreetly does your ears,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54first time he does that. After that, you're OK, your dignity'll take it.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57But he goes "vvvp", and does "vvvp", there you go.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00There's suddenly a really loud "vvvp" and you think, "What?!"
0:23:00 > 0:23:03You get a breeze blowing into your ear just for a second.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05What, what was that? Vvvp!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Let's never talk of it again.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I had a haircut in Turkey and they set fire to my ear hair.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15Oh, yeah, where they light the... Not the entire thing, just they...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Just, bouff!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Paraffin oil...
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Ha ha ha ha! Wa ha ha ha!
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Welcome, thank you for coming to crazy Omar's barbershop!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28APPLAUSE
0:23:28 > 0:23:32At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34APPLAUSE CONINUES
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everybone
0:23:39 > 0:23:43could make their way over to the performance area, please.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with. Here we go.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50The first subject is...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Things you wouldn't hear at a school assembly.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57OK, today we're going to have a special outing.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02So, Miss Williams, if you'd like to tell everybody why you're a lesbian.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10We welcome a new member of staff today.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14He has no arms and no legs and no body and we will call him the head.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Would whoever's milk shake is bringing all the boys to the yard please stop it?
0:24:27 > 0:24:32I'm sorry to keep you waiting, boys and girls, I've just had a shit the size of a baby seal.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39If you're found in possession of cocaine, you'll be given 100 lines.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40No, wait...
0:24:43 > 0:24:50And today in the after school club, we're going to be using papier mache to make a mother
0:24:50 > 0:24:53that actually loves you enough to pick you up at three o'clock.
0:24:56 > 0:25:02I'm pleased to say that during the holidays, Mr Wan married Miss Ker.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09His nickname will remain the same.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18A wise man once said, "Boys and girls, that if you try your hardest, you can fulfil your dreams."
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Generally, that's true. Not for you though, Tom. You can't read. So...
0:25:25 > 0:25:29And today, everyone, we have a new boy.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Now for some reason, whatever reason, he's been to a lot of schools, so be kind to him.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Will you please make you way to the front, Richard Poo Willy.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44A word about registers - most of the staff are on one.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54So that is how you put on a condom.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59But Sir, shouldn't you have used a cucumber?
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Not with that E coli kicking around.
0:26:07 > 0:26:14Sorry. Sorry I'm late. I just had a bit of a run in with an interactive white board. It told me to fuck off.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I've had all your mums.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22OK.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26The next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Talent Show.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Tonight, I'm going to be climbing a Sepp Blatter.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39You're right.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I CAN'T sing. Thanks!
0:26:44 > 0:26:49I'd like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52who was run over last week in hospital.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54# The wheels of the bus go round and round
0:26:54 > 0:26:56# Round and round, round and round. #
0:26:58 > 0:27:02I've got an ability that no-one on this planet has.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05That's Ant, that's Dec.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12It was like Elvis was in the building.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16You're fat and there's a stench of death.
0:27:18 > 0:27:25Peter, it's not what everyone will call entertainment, but YOU are one hell of an assassin!
0:27:27 > 0:27:31I thought you hit the high notes really, really well.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36Be interesting to see if you can still do that when I haven't got your nuts in a clamp.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Hello.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Where's my double act partner? Oh, he's in here.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# Feelings
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# Nothing more than feelings
0:27:54 > 0:27:55# Trying to... #
0:27:58 > 0:28:01When you said you were going to ride a donkey...
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Yes, I have been on the show before.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I was once trapped in somebody else's underpants going...
0:28:14 > 0:28:16- HE SINGS - Feelings.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23That was an exceptional performance
0:28:23 > 0:28:27and the way that you have overcome your blindness is truly inspirational.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30But this is a chip shop. The X Factor auditions are next door.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37I'm going to be honest with you, I think you're all terrible, OK?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40You're all completely dreadful. I don't know what you're doing,
0:28:40 > 0:28:44especially you, Hasselhoff, what have you done since Baywatch?
0:28:48 > 0:28:51And, as well as that, I can unzip the top of my head.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53It's where I keep my pyjamas.
0:28:58 > 0:29:03I know you said you were a Gary Glitter tribute act, but we weren't expecting you to do that!
0:29:06 > 0:29:10OK, at the end of that, the points go to Andy, Seann and Greg!
0:29:16 > 0:29:20That's the end of the show. This week's winners are
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Seann Walsh and Greg Davies.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.
0:29:36 > 0:29:40# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:29:42 > 0:29:46# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:29:48 > 0:29:50# Read all about it
0:29:50 > 0:29:53# Read all about it
0:29:53 > 0:29:55# News of the world News of the world. #
0:29:55 > 0:29:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:58 > 0:30:01E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk