0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# ..Don't believe everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh
0:00:41 > 0:00:45and Ed Byrne, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:54 > 0:01:00Here's Labour's two Eds, Balls and Miliband. What does LAPM stand for?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Is it "Look a pair of Muppets"?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Is it every train traveller's nightmare?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10"Lardy arse and prat on mobile."
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Is it "lovers avoid public meeting"?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Miliband is thinking, "Labour actually picked me?!"
0:01:20 > 0:01:25Or is Ed Miliband making his most important decision to date?
0:01:25 > 0:01:29"Large American, pepperoni, Margarita".
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Is it just a state of the Labour Party in general,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35just "lumbering along pretty miserably"?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Is it "Linda and Paul McCartney"?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43I haven't got my glasses on.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Is it "last administration pissed money"?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50That close to satire.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Is it simply "lengthy article perplexes moron"?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01OK, let's get the answer.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Labour admits past mistakes.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Well, done. Thank you very much.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08CHEERING
0:02:08 > 0:02:13Yes, the answer I was looking for is Labour admits past mistakes.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18This is the news that Labour has apologised for some serious failures during its 13 years in power.
0:02:18 > 0:02:24Adopting a mea culpa strategy, Ed Miliband said the party got it wrong on immigration
0:02:24 > 0:02:27and Ed Balls apologised for their role in the banking crisis.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Have you been following the conference?- Oh, yeah, avidly.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Ed Balls said that the financial crisis caught them by surprise,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39which is odd, because if there's one thing that balls do
0:02:39 > 0:02:42it's warn you there's about to be stuff coming.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:02:47 > 0:02:52- Satire.- Labour actually apologised over immigration as well.- Yes.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57Turns out that when they were in charge, when you were coming into the country,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00they had no record of who was leaving or coming into the country,
0:03:00 > 0:03:01which seemed like madness.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Whenever you came into the country,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05you had to give your passport in and they went bip.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I assumed that meant they knew when you were coming in.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Apparently not. It didn't say, computer says "yes" or "no".
0:03:13 > 0:03:17It might just as well have said, "Bip. Baked beans, 39p."
0:03:19 > 0:03:22The last time I came into Stansted, I waited for ages in a queue.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I got to the front and I handed my passport to the guy.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29He stared at me, like that.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Looked down, looked up. Then he went...
0:03:34 > 0:03:37"Can I have your autograph?"
0:03:37 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:41My brother had to renew his driving license.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43He had to get a photograph taken for that.
0:03:43 > 0:03:50He went out the night before and he got absolutely wasted so when the photograph was taken, he was drunk.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54I asked why he did it and he goes, "In case I get pulled over for drink driving."
0:03:56 > 0:04:00So they go, "No, no, that's what he looks like. Drive on!"
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Still wearing the party hat!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07How did Ed Balls relax during the week?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Football. Playing football.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Photographs appeared everywhere of him playing football.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13You know, granted...
0:04:13 > 0:04:18It's not the most dignified at times. He says he's committed.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19There's gusto there.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23He says he's not going to run for leadership. Looks like he could waddle for it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25The photographs features this...
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Making it look like midway through the match he stored nuts for the winter.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40They were chanting "He's fat, he's round, he devalued the pound. Eddie Balls!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:44The sponsorship logo is the National Grid.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Why are National Grid spending money to sponsor...?
0:04:48 > 0:04:53What is our other option to get electricity around other than National Grid?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Why do they need to advertise themselves?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59What else are we going to use?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03"This is the National Grid. Do you get electricity from a guy with a bucket?
0:05:03 > 0:05:07"Don't do that. Use plugs. Plugs connect to us, the National Grid".
0:05:09 > 0:05:14This is a football match between Labour MPs and journalists, apparently.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16In the match report,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19it says that Labour had a disappointing left-wing.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22That close to satire.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25How popular is Miliband at the moment?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27How long is a piece of shitty string?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Part-rhetorical but with the word "shitty" inside.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36So, any idea where he is in the polls?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40He has a difficult job. He has to keep the unions on side.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43We don't want a coal strike like 1974 because that year
0:05:43 > 0:05:46there were a lot of snowmen without eyes.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Isn't it that his personal rating is at an all-time low?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It's minus 33 at the moment.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02Does that mean 33 people have to like him for him to say, nobody likes me?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06It's a good line actually.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09It's 16 and a half really. It's a swing thing.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12It's a good joke but mathematically, I can't let it pass.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Don't take this wrong, but fuck off.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21At the risk of going off on a tangent...
0:06:21 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:31I am impressed with the TV coverage of the Labour Party conference, particularly Paxman.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33He's come a long way from trying to eat dots
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and being chased by ghosts around a maze.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Never happier to say this. In other news...
0:06:43 > 0:06:47What is David Cameron doing to improve Britain's image abroad?
0:06:47 > 0:06:52David Cameron has decided he wants to put the "great" back in Britain.
0:06:52 > 0:06:58He is worried after the riots people think it's called "Great" because it's the best place to start a fire.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01It's a very clever joke, that got absolutely nothing.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:05He's trying to promote Britain abroad.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09He's trying to encourage people to come and shop in Britain.
0:07:09 > 0:07:15They're worried that the rioters might have given a negative image to Britain abroad.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20I think if you wanted to come to Britain for shopping, I don't think the riots would have put you off.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25You'd have thought, brilliant! I can go shopping and I won't have to pay for any of it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:31In this campaign, the posters include images like Richard Branson, Wallace and Gromit and Henry VIII...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Yes.- ..because it's what makes Britain great -
0:07:33 > 0:07:37late trains, wrong trousers and murdering your wife.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43LAUGHTER
0:07:43 > 0:07:47I'll show you the posters, released by the Department of Culture, Media and Sport.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Countryside is Great (Britain).
0:07:50 > 0:07:55It's difficult to even read them out loud. It's GREAT (Britain).
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Heritage is another one. Henry VIII.
0:07:59 > 0:08:05And my personal favourite is Green is Great Britain, which is clearly written by Yoda.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11"It is Great Britain." And you can do it.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14We banged up a couple just yesterday in the office.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18I like this one. It took two flushes, now I feel GREAT.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Another favourite of mine, "Thanks, love, that was GREAT... ".
0:08:30 > 0:08:34That one with the trains is right
0:08:34 > 0:08:38because the trains are what makes Britain great.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41They provide unparalleled views of the British countryside
0:08:41 > 0:08:45and they often provide them without the blurring effects of velocity.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49LAUGHTER
0:08:49 > 0:08:52It's not very imaginative.
0:08:52 > 0:08:58It's just nicked the idea from Frosties basically. What next?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02"The Thames, it's so full of sewage it even turns the water chocolatey."
0:09:02 > 0:09:04LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:07At the end of that round the points go to Ed, Holly and Andy.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12APPLAUSE
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Now we play a round called Chortle Combat.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20This game involves Milton, Holly and Chris. Make your way to the performance area please.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it stops,
0:09:25 > 0:09:30one of the performers steps forward and talks about that subject. Here we go. Spin the wheel.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37The first subject is modern living. Who wants to come in? Holly.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I recently changed where I live.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44I moved house and I've moved to an area that I think a lot of Britain is like.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47It's nice in some areas and scuzzy in others.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51If you see a white tent on the side of the road you're not sure
0:09:51 > 0:09:54if it's a crime scene or a farmers' market.
0:09:56 > 0:10:02When I bought it, my parents came to visit me and they gave me the most middle class moving-in present.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04A visitor's book!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07That's really sweet.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11But I live in a one-bedroom flat in Peckham.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15If you come and stay with me, you have to stay in my bed.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18And I'm not sure I want those people
0:10:18 > 0:10:20signing a book...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23..with a comments box.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28People seem to celebrate in really odd ways now.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30People are into fancy dress.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32That used to be a really American thing.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34The British are really getting into it.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I hate fancy dress, I absolutely hate it.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I've had bad experiences.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I went to a Halloween party dressed as the Grim Reaper.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44That's a pretty common choice of costume.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47The only trouble is, I got the wrong address.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53It was bad for me, even worse for the old lady who opened the door.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58The harbinger of death standing apologising for being early,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00with a bottle of archers.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Thank you very much, Holly.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12And subject is weather.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I'll do it, I've got this.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Weather is one of the things
0:11:17 > 0:11:20that shows the British are great big Jessie's.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Not the British people, there's a split here.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25When it snows, Scottish people do this...
0:11:25 > 0:11:30"Oh, look love, snow. See you later."
0:11:30 > 0:11:36English people go, "Aahhh, God, this is the end of days!"
0:11:36 > 0:11:38When it snowed last year, the BBC were going,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42"Don't go out, it's minus two."
0:11:42 > 0:11:46"We don't know if humans can live in that temperature."
0:11:46 > 0:11:51"There are men made of snow with outstretched arms waiting for you!"
0:11:51 > 0:11:53"Don't go out!"
0:11:54 > 0:11:56The news always talks it up.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00We're woefully under-prepared, woefully under-prepared.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Where's the salt? Where's the salt?
0:12:03 > 0:12:08Where's the salt? We're never going to run out of salt in this country,
0:12:08 > 0:12:12as long as supermarkets continue to do value meals, we'll be fine.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Fling a few lasagnes up the M1, you'll be grand.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Chinese meal for two, good for 40 miles, I should think.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24They massively overplay this. The news are the worst at it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I was watching Sky News on the day after it snowed,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29the day of the lethal compacted ice.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Reporting from a rural spa where supplies were running low.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36In an attempt to ramp up the tension,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38the reporter said,
0:12:38 > 0:12:42"This place is down to its last pack
0:12:42 > 0:12:47"..of croissants! Oh, the humanity!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"Forced to eat pain au chocolat."
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Thank you very much, well done.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00OK, that leaves us with Milton. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04And the topic is careers.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15At college I studied agriculture and communications,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17specialising in sheep.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21In the end, I came out with a BAA.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31After that, I set up the British sheep census,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33but I fell asleep halfway through that.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43At the end of the day, my dad goes round pulling out the plugs
0:13:43 > 0:13:46and turning out the lights. Very safety conscious.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Why he got the sack from air traffic control...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57My nephew, when he grows up, wants to be an accountant.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01For his birthday, I bought him a great big bag of receipts.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Listen, don't worry if you don't like them, I've kept all the presents.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16You know, when you're a pirate...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20..and you work mainly canals...
0:14:22 > 0:14:27..annoying, isn't it, when you try to get one of your enemies to walk the plank?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29They just run off down the tow path.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Mind you, the state of the tow path near us,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I wouldn't touch it with a...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:46That's the end of that round. Come on and sit down.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Our next round is called,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:14:54 > 0:14:58On the board are six categories. Holly, which would you like?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Please may I have foreign news?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Your category is foreign news.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05The answer is 12 years, what is the question?
0:15:05 > 0:15:11Is it, how many years WKD has to be in an oak barrel before it's served?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Is it, how long will it take
0:15:17 > 0:15:20to get out of the Olympic car park afterwards?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Is it, what's the record for being lost in an IKEA?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31What is the radioactive half-life of Cillit Bang?
0:15:32 > 0:15:37Is it, how long's it take to sun dry a tomato in Glasgow?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44How long does a minute in Jeremy Clarkson's company feel like?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Is it, what did the group the Four Seasons
0:15:47 > 0:15:49temporarily rename themselves
0:15:49 > 0:15:52when they experimented with 44 extra members?
0:15:55 > 0:16:00Is it the average age of retirement for a cage fighter in Preston?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Is it, how long can I hum for?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Hummmmmmmmm!
0:16:12 > 0:16:13No, no it is not that.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17OK, the correct answer?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20How long does it take to piss out those big cokes in the cinema?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Is it, if someone was half my age, how old would they be?
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Is it...
0:16:31 > 0:16:36how old do you have to be to think Dappy from N-Dubz is a musical genius?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45And finally, what age does Gary Glitter consider borderline?!
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Come on!
0:16:53 > 0:16:54You couldn't let Glitter go.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56No way.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03How long would Putin be allowed to serve as Russian President
0:17:03 > 0:17:05if he is elected next time?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Yes, thank you very much.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14The question is, for how many more years
0:17:14 > 0:17:16might Vladimir Putin be President of Russia,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18if he wins the next Russian election?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Vladimir Putin ended speculation by announcing
0:17:20 > 0:17:23his intention to run for the President of Russia next year.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28The likelihood is he'll win two terms, keeping him in power until 2024.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30There's a huge debate about this.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34There's fear in the West this will damage relationships with Russia.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Medvedev is more of a reformer.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37It doesn't matter.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Medvedev, Putin, it doesn't matter who's in the Kremlin.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Whoever's in the Kremlin, you can't feed them after midnight
0:17:44 > 0:17:48and they mustn't come into contact with water.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51May I point out to any of the agents watching,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54that it wasn't me who took the piss out of any of you.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57There's no need to irradiate my food.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Irradiate Andy and Dara's food, they've already lost their hair.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06It's a weird way to kill somebody, isn't it, irradiating their food?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Irradiating sushi, in particular.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11As a delivery method, a small conveyor belt
0:18:11 > 0:18:15seems like a random way to go, "Hee, hee...
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"Soon he will take...
0:18:17 > 0:18:21"No, he's left it. It's coming back here, no!"
0:18:21 > 0:18:24"Which one is it?"
0:18:24 > 0:18:26That was David Cameron's problem.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29He went to Russia about two weeks ago, didn't he?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31It was a difficult trip for Cameron
0:18:31 > 0:18:34because first of all he wasn't allowed to mention Litvinenko.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Even harder, for the whole trip
0:18:36 > 0:18:38he had to stop himself saying "simples".
0:18:40 > 0:18:45That's the most awkward photo outside a Giggs family reunion.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Putin increasingly looks like the Terminator
0:18:48 > 0:18:51wrapped in the skin of Alf Stewart out of Home and Away.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57That looks like a really bad thing from Madame Tussauds, doesn't it?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00You'd be pissed off if you paid 30 quid to see that.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04It looks like Madame Tussauds by the guy who doesn't do hands very well.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11I'm really good at faces, I do eyes but I can't do hands.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15I just kind of hide them normally in jackets.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I prefer the phrase "chamber pot" to poo tin.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27What new look has he been sporting recently?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29He got a face lift.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31We think he did, yes.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Are we not allowed to say, "He had a face lift"?
0:19:34 > 0:19:35We don't know for definite.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I'm not saying this show would be in any danger,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41if it said specifically Putin had had a facelift.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I'm just saying she said...
0:19:43 > 0:19:46That's all I said.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Who is this?
0:19:48 > 0:19:53Who is this running dog of the capitalist regime?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Let's see the then and now of him.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58This is what he looked like and how he looks like now.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02He just has a crocodile clip in the back of his head.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04It's possible he has had a face lift.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I don't think he has a Russian accent.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10It's just that everybody sounds like it when their face is like this.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12"Help me, I can't feed myself."
0:20:15 > 0:20:18In other news, what have scientists been worked up about this week?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Apparently Einstein might be wrong
0:20:21 > 0:20:24and maybe something can travel faster than light.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I'm not surprised by this
0:20:26 > 0:20:29because I have got those energy saving light bulbs.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36What I like to do is turn them all on at 2pm because that way,
0:20:36 > 0:20:40by the time it gets dark, they're throwing out a bit of light.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I love that picture of Einstein.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53I always think they just airbrushed Marilyn Monroe out of the photo.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58What they've airbrushed out of that is a nine-volt battery.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03This whole thing about Einstein and the speed of light.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Dara, you know about this. - I do, a little bit.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09The whole thing is that apparently time isn't constant.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12If you're travelling, like, time slows down.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16The way he proved it was based on the fact
0:21:16 > 0:21:18that the speed of light is constant.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22So maybe... How can the speed of something be constant
0:21:22 > 0:21:26if time itself is not? When speed is measured...
0:21:26 > 0:21:31Yeah but this is the time outside the frame of reference of the thing that's travelling.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Is there anybody in the audience whose brain is currently hurting?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39If you're a beam of light, if you're the beam of light...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I am a shining beam of light!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45No, Ed, you're a beautiful snowflake.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48It's all going to kick off later on.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51If you're a beam of light there is no time for you.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54A beam of light appears everywhere simultaneously.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57What do you mean? If you're a beam of light, it is your time to shine.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I'm not turning this into Glee.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05It's where you want to go with this, right?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06The speed of light...
0:22:06 > 0:22:10How fast is the speed of light relative to say hot cakes?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Is it... What about a rat up a drain pipe?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Faster or slower than shit off a shovel?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Marginally so than shit off a shovel but rats still can't match it.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I heard that the neutrinos travelled from Switzerland to Italy
0:22:24 > 0:22:26faster than Nazi gold after the war.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32While they were travelling, was time not different for them?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34For them... Jesus!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36For them, yes.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Ed, don't worry your head about it. You're a beautiful snowflake.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44What I like about this is that loads of people who have absolutely
0:22:44 > 0:22:47no understanding of physics have had to sit down and try
0:22:47 > 0:22:49and work out complicated things.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Like previous to this, I thought that Einstein's Theory Of Relativity
0:22:53 > 0:22:55and Einstein's Theory Of Special Relativity,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58meant cousins, no, second cousins, yes.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I don't think light travels that fast.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I don't know if you've tried running with a torch.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12It's all very complicated.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Yes, Ed, it is.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I would love that to be people's final word on the whole thing.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22It's all very complicated so don't worry your pretty little head.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Make your way over to the performance area.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I'll read out the topics and we'll see what the panellists can come up with.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42The first subject is...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Bad things to say in a job interview.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50When I said I was a Yale student, I studied key cutting at Mr Minute.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Why do I, we, I, we...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Want this job?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Don't tell him. I have to.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14No, no, no, no.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I applaud your policy of positive discrimination
0:24:16 > 0:24:18and that's why I blacked up.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28Erm, can I just check, this office is more than 50 metres from a school?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34What do you mean no experience?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37If being abducted by aliens isn't an experience,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39then I don't know what is.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Well, yes, I would make the perfect train driver.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48I'm always late and I break down really easily.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I think I'd make a very good diplomat.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I'd like to live in Paris, with all the other parasites.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07What do I see myself doing in five years' time?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Exactly the same, only on Dave.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Thank you for seeing me.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20I hope you don't mind if I stay sat down for a moment.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I've got a little erection bubbling away.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30No, emu, no, no.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31No.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36What can I bring to this job?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39How about the photocopier from my last office?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Yes, well I'm... In spite of my lack of medical experience,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49I still think of gynaecology as a calling.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56What are my weaknesses?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Fat birds.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03The next topic is...
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Unlikely things to hear on a consumer programme.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10This week on Watchdog, another shower of gullible twats
0:26:10 > 0:26:13ask us to make sense of their piss poor decision making.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Welcome to Watchdog, here's a dog...
0:26:30 > 0:26:33But when he asked the cold callers for their identification,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36they shot Mr Bin Laden with an AK-47.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I would like to complain about the boomerang I bought.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47I threw it, but it next came BACK!
0:26:52 > 0:26:55This week, we investigate bikini waxing strips.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Are they just a rip off?
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Tonight, we're investigating fencing and why I got tickets for that
0:27:04 > 0:27:07instead of the 100 metres final, which is what I wanted.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Many of you who have bought Death Stars have emailed us
0:27:15 > 0:27:18complaining about a security problem with one of the exhaust vents.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Although Austin the butcher claims that's his sausages
0:27:25 > 0:27:29are made of premium meat we can reveal that's bollocks.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36The cruise had a 1940s theme and Tom and Vera were delighted,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39until they were sunk by a U-boat in the North Atlantic.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I didn't ask for it. Didn't order it.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I don't even want it and it doesn't even work.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53We have more views on the coalition after the break.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00What was sold as a vibrator
0:28:00 > 0:28:03is clearly just a Taser with a stale sausage attached to it.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12But something was wrong with the car.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16The clock said 63,000 miles, while the milometer
0:28:16 > 0:28:18said quarter past three.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27I would like to complain about the sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30There's nice big portions on the conveyor
0:28:30 > 0:28:32but they do taste luggagey.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Hey, Watchdog, I'm extremely pissed off with this product.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46I bought Just For Men.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48My wife used and now I am gay.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Identity theft is on the increase.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58I'm Dara O'Briain.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03We work, so he doesn't have to.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09OK, points to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18And that's the end of the show.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21This week's winners are Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27Commiserations Andy, Holly and Ed.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O'Briain, good night.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:42 > 0:29:46E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk