0:00:22 > 0:00:27This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Adam Hills and Ed Byrne.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Here's a picture of the Prime Minister with two colleagues,
0:00:55 > 0:00:59but what does CAFS stand for?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Is it George Osborne's middle names?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Crepuscular Addendum Fandango Sousaphone?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Is it couldn't arrange a fondle in a strip club?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Cocky, aristocratic, foppish and smug.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Could it be Charlie's Angels, the failed sequel?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Is it cruising area for sex?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Is it, in fact, from left to right,
0:01:34 > 0:01:38clueless, albino face, slaphead?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47That's just abuse, by the way you're applauding there.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50That's not actual satire. That's just being rude about him.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Is Cameron simply saying, "Crikey, a fox. Splendid!"
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Written all over the toilets here is "Chris Addison fancies Stewart."
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I'm going to move towards the correct answer.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09- OK, is it Cameron apologises for sexism?- Yes, it is.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Well done. Thank you very much.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Yes, the answer I was looking for is Cameron apologises for sexism.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21This is the news that David Cameron has apologised for remarks he made
0:02:21 > 0:02:25in the House of Commons that were interpreted as being sexist.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30Speaking before the Conservative conference, he said he screwed up and must do better.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33The apology is seen as a way for him to woo back female voters.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Now, do we know what the incidents were?
0:02:36 > 0:02:41Yes, he said apparently to one of the MPs in the house, "Calm down, dear."
0:02:41 > 0:02:46- Yes.- Now, that is a sad thing when you've got to basically impersonate Michael Winner.
0:02:47 > 0:02:53Meanwhile, George Osborne is behind him going, "What we need to do is stimulate the European meerkat."
0:02:53 > 0:02:54He's apologised for them
0:02:54 > 0:02:57and he's actually said now to woo women voters
0:02:57 > 0:02:59that he doesn't regard women as beneath him.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03He doesn't want them to do menial jobs like making tea,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05because he's got Nick Clegg to do that for him.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12He apologised later in the Sunday Times. These are his exact words...
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Even the fact that one of his best friends may have been a woman
0:03:27 > 0:03:30till he totted it up in his head and went, "No, I can't back that up."
0:03:30 > 0:03:33As the closest thing to a woman on this panel...
0:03:33 > 0:03:35LAUGHTER
0:03:35 > 0:03:38..Chris, is what Cameron said offensive?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Speaking for the sisterhood...
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Cameron talked about his problems with women to Andrew Marr.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Now, there is a man who would understand that.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55A man who took out a super-injunction to prevent people talking about
0:03:55 > 0:03:58the fact he was having a fling with a journalist.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03If you're going to have an affair, don't have it with somebody who writes for a living.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Have it with Wayne Rooney. He's never going to write about it.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11You think Rooney has days when he's got to write down his own name,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13he has to check the back of his shirt
0:04:13 > 0:04:16and even then he writes down "ten."
0:04:21 > 0:04:25There was another comment he made to the MP Peter Bone,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29who apparently has tendencies to ask questions referring to his wife.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Saying, this would certainly make Mrs Bone...
0:04:32 > 0:04:36and would use her as an every woman in the questions.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- But he referred to her once after one question.- Cameron said...
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I think Mr Bone has a point.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I tried to look this up and I Googled "Peter Bones wife"
0:04:57 > 0:04:59and I didn't get anything done for the next two hours!
0:04:59 > 0:05:03It does sound like a child's pornography book, doesn't it?
0:05:03 > 0:05:07See Peter's wife. Peter Bones' wife.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10He also said, a quote from Cameron,
0:05:10 > 0:05:15"I'm aware that women are not as supportive of the coalition as others."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Now, who are these others? He means men.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24He can't even be bothered to call us people, can he?
0:05:25 > 0:05:31Moving on, what did Cameron say in all these interviews that the British were very good at?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Inventing.- Inventing, yes. An actual quote from him was:
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I don't know what we used to do before you invented DNA here.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49What he doesn't realise is, in Australia, the DNA spirals the opposite direction.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52APPLAUSE
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Don't you just refer to it as AND?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03It's worth remembering you can invent something and not be good at it.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Like Britain also invented rugby and cricket.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08AUDIENCE GROANS
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Who did win the last two Ashes?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14APPLAUSE
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Please, please, we are not
0:06:18 > 0:06:21going to let any of that childish name-calling from an Australian...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24If this was about the hurling, you'd be all over this shit.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29I was actually going to point out that Ireland beat Australia but what the hell?
0:06:29 > 0:06:34I would just like to mention that I was out there for the cricket over the winter.
0:06:34 > 0:06:41Very enjoyable. And nothing better than hearing the Barmy Army sing to the Australian fans,
0:06:41 > 0:06:42# Send her victorious
0:06:42 > 0:06:44# Happy and glorious
0:06:44 > 0:06:48# Long to reign over YOU... #
0:06:48 > 0:06:50And follow it up with,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53# Your next Queen is Camilla Parker Bowles
0:06:53 > 0:06:56# Camilla Parker Bowles... #
0:06:59 > 0:07:03You very much brought that on yourself.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- Who might George Osborne have offended during his speech? - Eric Pickles?- Yes.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09LAUGHTER
0:07:09 > 0:07:12All right, it's not a great photograph of poor Eric Pickles.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Find a great photograph of Eric Pickles.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19He's so Dickensian.
0:07:19 > 0:07:25In every photograph he's, "Good evening, Eric Pickles here. You shall work on Christmas Day!"
0:07:25 > 0:07:30"You should be glad of it. Have some coal. That's all you're getting."
0:07:30 > 0:07:34You expect him to lift his hat and a little ham sandwich to fall out.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39He's always referred to as Eric Pickles. Never as Mr Pickles.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43And that is possibly because Mr Pickles makes him sound like a cat.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51One of those overweight cats that has to back itself into a corner to clean itself.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Moving on. Please, move on.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07- What's happening to the traditional police station announced this week? - It's closing.- No.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- They're not all closing. - You make it sound like there's one.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14There's one traditional police station and we've decided to close it.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16It was like they were getting rid of all police.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21They are getting rid of the public counter, where you go to get your passport photo signed.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Now you phone up and you use the automated phone system.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27It's not like phoning for cinema tickets.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31It's not like they are going to go, "Did you say London?"
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"If you are being stabbed, press two."
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"Did you say there was a bugler in your house?"
0:08:37 > 0:08:39"No, not a bugler."
0:08:39 > 0:08:44"If there is a bugler in your house tell him to stop bugling."
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"Bugling loudly in a house after 11pm is an offence
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"and you may be arrested by the police."
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"All right, send them!"
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Basically, they should do what they did the post offices.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Just put them in branches of WH Smith.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01"Thank you very much for reporting this murder, ma'am.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05"Just before you go, would you like a massive Dairy Milk for a quid?"
0:09:06 > 0:09:09The grey area is, what is and what is not an emergency.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Are you going, "Aaargh" - emergency. No? Not emergency.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Are you speaking really quietly because someone's in the house?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18PLAYS IMAGINARY BUGLE
0:09:18 > 0:09:23I'm being attacked by the man from Lurpak butter!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26That would be really weird if the guy from Lurpak butter attacked you.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28MIMICS TROMBONE
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"I think I can hold him off until the heating kicks in."
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Imagine waking up and going, "Is this a non-emergency number?"
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"Yes, there's been a burglary in my house."
0:09:42 > 0:09:43"Why is it not an emergency?"
0:09:43 > 0:09:45"Oh, I shot him, so take your time."
0:09:45 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:47 > 0:09:49"He's not going anywhere."
0:09:51 > 0:09:55OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Adam and Andy.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Now we play a round called Thinking Outside The Mocks.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08This game involves Stewart, Ed and Adam,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11so if you make your way to the performance area, please.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13This is a stand-up challenge.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I launch a wheel of news and wherever it stops,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18one performer must talk about that subject.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we go.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23The first subject is...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Kids. Who wants to come in on that? - Sorted.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I know about this now.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Ah! Yes, kids.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I became a dad nine months ago
0:10:35 > 0:10:38and I haven't let it change my life completely.
0:10:38 > 0:10:45I don't want to be one of those people who prefaces a statement with the phrase, "Speaking as a parent."
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Speaking as a parent? Gather round, everyone, he's speaking as a parent.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Bring the people from the other room. He's speaking as a parent.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57No, he was only speaking as an arsehole before. Now he's speaking as a parent.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01So, sage one, speak. Tell us your wisdom. Impart your knowledge.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Speaking as a parent. Doesn't that make you want to stab them as a maniac?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09The thing is, you read the books.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12There's loads of books you can buy on being a parent.
0:11:12 > 0:11:18That's why I get really annoyed when people use that excuse for their bad parenting.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22They always go, "Kids, they don't come with an instruction manual, do they?"
0:11:22 > 0:11:25No, you have to buy one.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29They're, like, seven quid.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35One thing the books warned me about, it hasn't turned out to be a problem,
0:11:35 > 0:11:40books warned me that sometimes the man can become jealous of the affection the woman gives the child.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44The only issue I've had in that direction is that when I burp I get frowned at.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47And when he does it, he gets a round of applause. It's not fair.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Why is his wind so much more exciting than mine?
0:11:50 > 0:11:54My wife spends an hour getting wind out of him. Will she pull my finger? No, she will not.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Thank you very much, Ed.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07The subject is Travel. Who wants to give me that? Adam.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11I'd like to say something, because Stewart Francis is here.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I love Canada. I like it.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16CHEERING
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Canadians are normally politest, quietest people on the planet.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22The first time I went to Canada, I went to Toronto.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26In Toronto, they had the world's tallest tower and were half an hour from Niagara Falls.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Not one person boasted about it.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32If I landed in an American city with the tallest tower, it would be,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34"Good afternoon. Welcome to Boston.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39"HOME OF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING!"
0:12:39 > 0:12:44The only reason I knew it was Canada was, I went to the hotel reception and went, "What should I do today?"
0:12:44 > 0:12:49The guy went, "Maybe check out the CN Tower?" Oh really? Why is that? "Oh, no reason."
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"I just think you might like it."
0:12:55 > 0:13:01I go to the top and it wasn't even a big thing. Just a plaque that went CN Tower, world's tallest building.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06I went back that night and went, "It's the world's tallest building!" And he went, "Oh, that's right."
0:13:06 > 0:13:11"Thought you might like it. How do you feel about waterfalls?"
0:13:20 > 0:13:24The thing I love most about Canada, is they have Braille on their banknotes.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Canadian money has Braille on it so blind people know how much money they give over.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30What an amazing country.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34They are bilingual, have same-sex marriages, and they have Braille on their banknotes.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39Canada's the only place where blind French lesbians can get married and pay for it in cash.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Thank you very much, Adam Hills.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48OK, that leaves us with Stewart.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Let's see what topic you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53It's Romance.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57That was terrific, by the way, Adam.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Oh, thank you, Stewart.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00You're welcome.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Ladies, in bed I like to spoon.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Anybody else do heroin?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Am I guilty of being romantic? You be the judge.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16A bottle of champagne on ice,
0:14:16 > 0:14:20the dulcet voice of Luther Vandross fills the air.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24A trail of rose petals lead to a bed on which I'm lying naked.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31The bedroom door slowly opens and I whisper those three special words.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Happy birthday, Dad.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45When women see me naked, they say I look like a Greek God.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Hermaphrodite? What's he?
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I like my women the way I like my skis - rented.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04With a little wax on their bottom.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I'm a very lucky man, I have an amazing wife who has given me
0:15:11 > 0:15:13three incredible...blow jobs.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Romance!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25At the end of that round the points go to Adam and Ed, come on, sit down!
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- On the board are six categories. Adam, which category? - I'd like home news.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42The answer is ten. What is the question?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Is it how many times does Shane Warne have to say the sentence,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"No, really, I'm engaged to Liz Hurley,"
0:15:49 > 0:15:51before people believe him?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55We love that in Australia. That is our favourite story of the year.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58You can keep the World Cup and the Ashes.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Done.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And you can keep Liz Hurley!
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Is it how many days are there in the Greek tax year?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16APPLAUSE
0:16:16 > 0:16:21Is it in what year was Jesus ten?
0:16:23 > 0:16:29Is it the age lover boy Dara first lost his...hair?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33What is a cruel name to give your child if your surname is
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Pin Bowling?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Is it in fact, how many words has Zara Phillips said to Mike Tindall
0:16:44 > 0:16:46since touching down in New Zealand?
0:16:46 > 0:16:50How many members of the House of Lords claimed for leaping duties
0:16:50 > 0:16:53on the tenth day of Christmas last year?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Erm, no!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Is it what is a cruel name to give your child is your surname is
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Snervous Headache?
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Is it how many people will be on Bournemouth beach next weekend?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Is it the number of stolen doughnuts I can fit on my penis?
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Why do they have to be stolen?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22You don't want to pay for one that's going to be wasted on your penis!
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Don't you all pay for your penis doughnuts?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30What number sounds the most dramatic if you say it three times?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Ten, ten, tennnn!
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Can I have the correct answer?
0:17:35 > 0:17:39What force gale comes out of Eric Pickles on Curry Thursday?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42APPLAUSE
0:17:42 > 0:17:47How many years before David Walliams gets the taste of sewage
0:17:47 > 0:17:48out of his mouth?
0:17:49 > 0:17:53How many Shredded Wheat constitute a lethal overdose?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56How about, how often do I have to ask you for the correct answer?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Please, in the name of mercy...
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- Is it how much do they want to increase the speed limit by? - It is exactly that.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Thank you very much, Ed Byrne.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13APPLAUSE
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Yes, I was looking for, by how many miles per hour
0:18:16 > 0:18:19is the Government looking to raise the motorway speed limit?
0:18:19 > 0:18:23This is the news that the Government has announced proposals to raise
0:18:23 > 0:18:25the motorway speed from 70 to 80 miles per hour by 2013.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28There will be a period of consultation later in the year
0:18:28 > 0:18:30and the first 80 miles per hour motorways
0:18:30 > 0:18:33and large dual carriageways could exist within two years.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38Regardless, you will still get people driving in the middle lane
0:18:38 > 0:18:40when there is nobody else around.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42The reason is, they think it's safer.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47It's not safer, because everyone coming up behind them drives like an idiot.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Some people try to overtake on the inside, some come up behind them,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52start flashing them.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I saw one bloke recently, right?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58He overtook on the outside, then slowed down on the inside
0:18:58 > 0:19:01so as he could overtake on the outside again.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03He started doing a doughnut around them!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06The idea is that they say it will help the economy,
0:19:06 > 0:19:10because if there are more road deaths that will lower unemployment.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15How much quicker would you do a 50-mile journey?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Five minutes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19People are going, "I can get there five minutes faster?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20"I think I'll stay in bed."
0:19:20 > 0:19:24The real problem here for the environment is that, you know,
0:19:24 > 0:19:25your wife comes home earlier,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28catches you with somebody else, burns all of your stuff
0:19:28 > 0:19:30and that releases carbon emissions.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34If you are doing somebody else and not allowing five minutes' gap
0:19:34 > 0:19:38between shutting the door and you're wife arriving in,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40you're cutting it very fine.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44You have to schedule this far better than that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49- There is a terrifying feeling of knowledge coming off you! - I can fake knowledge about anything.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Dara O Briain, agony uncle!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I don't want to live in a country with average speed cameras, do you?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59I hate average. I want to live in a country with really good speed cameras.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Which weather records were broken recently?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07This has been the hottest October since Record Breakers finished?
0:20:08 > 0:20:13It made lots of people incredibly happy, some just sitting in the sun,
0:20:13 > 0:20:17others phoning up British Gas, going, "Ha ha ha ha ha!"
0:20:17 > 0:20:22APPLAUSE
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Whenever there is a heat wave, I love you guys, you just disrobe.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I haven't seen that much skin
0:20:28 > 0:20:32since I was in a hot tub with Brian Blessed.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33- BOOMING VOICE:- "That is a loofah."
0:20:36 > 0:20:39It was just a chance for the press to roll out
0:20:39 > 0:20:42their sleazy photographs again.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's as if there's an agency you ring, "We need sleazy photographs!"
0:20:45 > 0:20:48"Where are the guys who do the A-level results,
0:20:48 > 0:20:50"they've not been busy for a few weeks."
0:20:50 > 0:20:53There's a photograph of one girl. Do we have it?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- What a photo!- The fish and chips!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01They're going, "It's the fish and chips you want?"
0:21:01 > 0:21:03"Oh yeah, love. Yeah, yeah."
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"If you could just eat one."
0:21:07 > 0:21:10"More slowly. In, out, in, out. Oh, lovely chips."
0:21:10 > 0:21:12"Just let the grease drip on you."
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Do you think the photographer said,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17"Hang on, I'm going to get a 'Sepp Blatter'."
0:21:17 > 0:21:21APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:25My favourite... Get rid of the tits and the chips, thank you!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28And other things you've said in hotels before now.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"Quick, my wife is coming, get rid of the chips and the tits!"
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Anyway, my favourite thing is when they say,
0:21:38 > 0:21:39and "It was hotter than Mexico!"
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Like we are in a battle with Mexico!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Finally, finally, Mexico, stick that in your sombrero,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47hotter than you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Somewhere in Guadalajara there is a man going,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"Oh, no, we have to take down the sign."
0:21:54 > 0:21:59A giant sign saying, "This many days since it was hotter in Bournemouth!"
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"Pedro, take down the sign, they've won, we start again tomorrow."
0:22:04 > 0:22:10I read in the papers that Jersey was boasting it had been hotter than Hawaii,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12but Hawaii didn't collaborate with the Nazis, so...
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Swings and roundabouts!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18It wasn't good for everyone.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Tesco said that they sold 3 million extra burgers
0:22:21 > 0:22:24and 800,000 sausages, so while we were enjoying it,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27pigs and cows were looking up going, "Oh, shit."
0:22:28 > 0:22:32It made me realise why British people never plan barbecues,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35because you never know when it's going to be nice weather.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39I was going, "This is lovely, we should have people over next weekend."
0:22:39 > 0:22:42My friends were going, "It's only going to last a day."
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I realised why British barbeques are so frantic.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"Terry, the sun's out, get to Tesco, get some sausages,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53"get one of those little barbecues, we've only got a few minutes."
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Barbecue - start.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02People have managed to turn it round into a complaint, because it's over!
0:23:02 > 0:23:07People go, "It's over, isn't it? Now there's a hurricane, it's all cold," but that's life.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Everything balances out. Yin and yang.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12For everything nice, you get something nasty.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17That's why funfairs are run by the most threatening people you've ever met in your life!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21OK, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29OK, now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32If you can make your way over to the performance area,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36I'll read out the topics and we'll see what our panels come up with.
0:23:36 > 0:23:42OK, here we go. The first subject is Unlikely Instructions.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Please, do not use this electrical appliance whilst in the bath.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Actually, you know what? Go on.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51If you're that dumb, we can afford to lose you.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Nick Clegg feng shui -
0:23:55 > 0:23:59move everything to the right for an easier life.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Pot Noodle, for best results
0:24:05 > 0:24:07put back on the shelf!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12If pain persists, see a doctor.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Just make sure it's not Michael Jackson's doctor.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23To light gas, first place match near buttocks.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29One of these condoms has got a hole in it.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Are you feeling lucky, punk?!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Dale Farm yoghurt. Contents may settle.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42APPLAUSE
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Please return these assembly instructions in case you want to disassemble the furniture,
0:24:46 > 0:24:50when you realise moving in with her wasn't the best move after all.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Instructions for sandwich toaster -
0:24:56 > 0:24:59week one, eat nothing but toasted sandwiches.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Week two, put in cupboard and never use again!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10If unsure how to apply condom,
0:25:10 > 0:25:14take banana and beat erection with it until it goes away!
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Enjoy your animal-shaped biscuits. Do not eat if seal is broken!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28APPLAUSE
0:25:28 > 0:25:31To reboot, pick up boots and put them on again!
0:25:31 > 0:25:36APPLAUSE
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Congratulations on your new bread maker.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Woo, I bet Kingsmill are quaking in their boots!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Game is over either when one player collects all cheeses,
0:25:50 > 0:25:54or Daddy has a tantrum and kicks the board across the room.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Are your hands full but you want to transfer ten doughnuts?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04LAUGHTER
0:26:04 > 0:26:06APPLAUSE
0:26:06 > 0:26:11OK. The next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear In A Restaurant.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Let's skip the pudding, you look like you've had enough already.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Wow, thanks for picking up the bill, Dara!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:32APPLAUSE
0:26:32 > 0:26:36No, I'm sorry, we don't have snail porridge.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39No, this isn't owned by Heston Blumenthal,
0:26:39 > 0:26:41this is Heston Services.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48How does crispy aromatic duck sound?
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Quack quack, but that was before it was crispy or aromatic.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Do I have a reservation?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Well, I'm not sure about all these Polish people moving over here.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04APPLAUSE
0:27:04 > 0:27:09- HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- Table for two, please, but no food.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I'm a woodworm.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18This is a traditional Greek restaurant.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22So don't worry if you can't pay, the German government will cover it!
0:27:22 > 0:27:27APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:29You'd like a Fosters?
0:27:29 > 0:27:30HE SNORTS
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Hang on, I'll see if we have any left. Barry, any Fosters?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Yeah, keg's nearly full, Jim.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Here's the tip.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47If you find the rest of the chef's penis, please let us know.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Have you been to a Harvester before? I'm joking, no-one comes twice!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01It's nice to see the rugby players getting along with the dwarfs.
0:28:06 > 0:28:11That's an unusual taste, isn't it? what's in this death by choc...
0:28:17 > 0:28:20It's nice to see Zara and Mike getting along.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Yes, it is all-you-can-eat night,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32that's why you can't come in, Mr Pickles!
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Oh, my God, there's a man's face in me soup and it looks just like me.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Excellent choice, sir. This lady is much fitter than your wife.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Hmm? Rose for the lady?
0:28:59 > 0:29:03If you want to do something for the lady, why don't you fuck off!
0:29:05 > 0:29:07The points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart!
0:29:13 > 0:29:14That's the end of the show.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21CHEERING
0:29:23 > 0:29:27Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Adam Hills and Ed Byrne.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O'Briain. Good night.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd