0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE # Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# News of the world
0:00:30 > 0:00:31# News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Miles Jupp,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Here's Defence Secretary Liam Fox and the Prime Minister on a recent trip,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00but what does FSRC stand for?
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Is it in fact the four words that describe the pair of them?
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Feckless, spineless, reckless, clueless?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:15No. No, it's not.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Is this Liam Fox's way of making Cameron forget the whole thing,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23is it, Fox Slips Rohypnol into Coffee?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Is it, Fiver Says the Recession Continues?
0:01:28 > 0:01:29LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Is it, outside the window, Frankly Stevenage Requires Camouflage?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36LAUGHTER
0:01:36 > 0:01:39APPLAUSE
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Is it Feargal Sharkey and Richard Clayderman?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I haven't got my glasses on!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Is it a professional qualification?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Are they both Fellows of the Society of Right Cocks?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58We're just going for abuse now, are we?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Is it Frank Spencer and Roy Castle?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- LAUGHTER - Stop not recognising them!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Somebody tell him who they actually are!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- OK, is it Frank Sinatra and Ray Charles?- No!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14It's not just two names of any random people that begin FS and RC.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- You say that...- Quite simply, is it,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Fox Sake, Resign, Come on?!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:25APPLAUSE
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Is it...Frank Sidebottom and Rita Coolidge?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- LAUGHTER - It's not...two people!
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Facebook Status: Relationship's Complicated.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:44OK...
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Please, I'll give you a clue, F stands for Fox.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Fox Scandal Rocks Conservatives.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52- Thank you very much, Hugh. - APPLAUSE
0:02:55 > 0:02:58The answer I was looking for was Fox Scandal Rocks Conservatives.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Defence Secretary Liam Fox has been forced to explain his conduct
0:03:02 > 0:03:04following allegations that his working relationship
0:03:04 > 0:03:08with best friend and former flatmate Adam Werritty broke the ministerial code.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Dr Fox faces a storm over the affair and has apologised to the House.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Why is Dr Fox in trouble?
0:03:14 > 0:03:18He's in trouble because his best man, his best mate,
0:03:18 > 0:03:23has been using a card which says, "Advisor to Liam Fox."
0:03:23 > 0:03:27And you're thinking, if he was genuinely an advisor to Liam Fox,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29he is the worst advisor ever.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Cos his first bit of advice should be
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"You should be having nothing to do with me,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36"I'm really gonna knacker your career."
0:03:36 > 0:03:38What's his name?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Adam Werritty.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43It's very difficult not to say that as Adam Wew-itty!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46All day, I've been doing it like he's Elmer Fudd.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- "Adam Wewitty!" - LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"Where is the Fox? I am Adam Wewitty!"
0:03:50 > 0:03:54He's been taking Werritty to meetings with him.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56The worry is that'll spread through Government.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Imagine if David Cameron had a useless bloke that HE took to meetings with him.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:07Wouldn't it be great if all of this had come to light because someone had gone through Fox's bins(?)
0:04:07 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Fox has been doing that classic thing of acting all surprised.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"There appears to have been some wrongdoing."
0:04:21 > 0:04:23He seems surprised that Werritty was there.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28I'm beginning to suspect that Fox actually thought Werritty was his imaginary friend!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31The surprise that the rest of us can see him -
0:04:31 > 0:04:35"What? You can see him too? Can you see the giant rabbit?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"Forget I mentioned it!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40How did he explain his presence at meetings?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43He's meeting Sri Lankan trade delegations, and they're going,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47- HEAVILY ACCENTED: - "Hello, you are...? And who is he?"
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Are they played by Mickey Rooney(?) - They are!
0:04:50 > 0:04:51"Harro! We from Sri Ranka!
0:04:51 > 0:04:55"We don't really know what people from Sri Lanka sound like -
0:04:55 > 0:04:58"but this is foreign...!" LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:01They must have had a meeting with the Secretary of State for Defence
0:05:01 > 0:05:06and went, "Who this guy?" and he went, "He's a friend." "OK!"
0:05:06 > 0:05:10What did he do, sit at the end of the couch quietly?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12"Don't mind me, I'm Wewitty!"
0:05:12 > 0:05:14LAUGHTER
0:05:14 > 0:05:18I think that's just the noise he makes - "Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty..."
0:05:18 > 0:05:23No, I'd imagine his catchphrase is, "I'll just be here."
0:05:23 > 0:05:27And then occasionally leaning forward and going, "Do you have another Jaffa Cake?"
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- LAUGHTER - The Sri Lankans going, "Jaffa Cake...?"
0:05:30 > 0:05:34"Jaffa Cake? We no hear of Jaffa Cake!"
0:05:34 > 0:05:36"Strange foreign cake!"
0:05:36 > 0:05:40And then they go to the meeting
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and you can hear every time the door opens... "Jaffa Cake!"
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:05:45 > 0:05:48They're furiously Googling "Jaffa Cake"!
0:05:48 > 0:05:52They invent a Jaffa Cake from first principles. "Jam? What jam?!"
0:05:53 > 0:05:56He's just there stuffing his face!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty!"
0:05:58 > 0:06:02We can only speculate that this is the way the meetings went.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:09Liam Fox has set up his own investigation, at the Ministry of Defence, into his own conduct.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I hope he asks himself some pretty tough questions!
0:06:13 > 0:06:18He's basically got his mate from the MoD to investigate himself.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23So this guy, or whoever's doing the investigation, will not be allowed to find anything wrong.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25If they do, they'll wake up in Guantanamo.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30Surrounded by four Asian lads from Birmingham going, "At least you know what you're in here for,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34"we've been here since we were five." LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:36APPLAUSE
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Where was he meeting Adam "Wewitty"?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- He met Adam Werritty in places like Dubai.- Yes.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51People seem surprised that he may have embarrassed Liam Fox,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54but he is Liam Fox's best man.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56That is what best men do.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00He's just extended the best man's speech over a number of years.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Liam Fox was lucky, when he turned up at this meeting in Dubai,
0:07:04 > 0:07:09that in fact he was fully clothed, not handcuffed to the desk covered in foam!
0:07:09 > 0:07:13"Do you have any shaving foam?" "Shaving foam...?!"
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"I have Jaffa Cake!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"Jaffa Cake, shaving foam!"
0:07:17 > 0:07:20He's one of those friends that just comes along, whether you want them or not.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25I bet he was there on the honeymoon, with Liam Fox's wife going, "I can't do it with Adam in the room."
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty!" LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"You carry on..."
0:07:30 > 0:07:32What he's done is take a friend to work.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36That's not actually a crime, is it, Mr Truffles? What's that...?
0:07:36 > 0:07:41Do you want to say hello to the boys and girls? "No, I'm depressed."
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- HUGH:- I don't know why...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:50If you hadn't got that joke in,
0:07:50 > 0:07:55how long would you have kept the carrot in your pocket?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57It's been there since the last series.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:03We've all got work for our best man, haven't we? Who was your best man?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06It was Ed Byrne, but I'm not saying that he got...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11He's never appeared on Mock The Week, has he(?)
0:08:11 > 0:08:15In an independent role! He doesn't walk around as "comedian's friend"!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19There should be an inquiry into this, Dara.
0:08:19 > 0:08:25What animal has caused tensions to rise within the Conservative Party recently?
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Is it a cat?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28It was a cat. Yes, it was a cat.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33This is the cat, with its owner Camilo Soria and Frank Trew. Any idea why Maya was so important?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35This was the idea that the judge had said
0:08:35 > 0:08:39he could only stay in the country because he owned a cat.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41He being Camilo Soria, on the left.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Turned out it was obviously a lie.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46It's important to shatter that myth,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49otherwise in fact everybody coming into this country
0:08:49 > 0:08:52will be trying to buy a cat so they can stay here.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Yes. Who told the lie?
0:08:54 > 0:08:55- Theresa May.- Theresa May, yes.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59We have in fact ten million cats already in this country,
0:08:59 > 0:09:05and they kill 300 million creatures a year, including 55 million birds.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07They are evil bastards.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Cats do show a level of commitment. When we had a cat when I was a kid,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14this cat ate a ball of nylon string.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17It was about three years old.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21The string unravelled in its stomach, and came out in its poo.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26Whenever it pooed, it came out like a string of sausages.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I was very young, but all I can remember every morning
0:09:30 > 0:09:32is my dad with a pair of scissors, going...
0:09:32 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:40It went on for months! Just lifting the...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I'll just explain,
0:09:44 > 0:09:50Camilo Soria is a Bolivian who fought deportation after committing a crime.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54He was up for a deportation partially cos he stole from Debenhams.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59That's a bit unfair - you can't get more British than stealing and looting.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- What did he steal? - He stole a porcelain cat!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- He did.- One of those ones that could wave bye-bye to him.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:10As he left at the airport.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I used to farm cats, and let me tell you,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17their eggs don't taste nearly as chocolatey as they look.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:26OK. The points go to Miles, Andi and Andy.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28APPLAUSE
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Now we play a round called Quantitative Teasing.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36This game involves Milton, Miles and Andi,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41This round is our stand-up challenge.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I launch the wheel of news and, wherever it stops,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Let's spin the wheel.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Television. Who wants to come in on television?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- I'll take that one. - Andi.- Very good...
0:10:56 > 0:11:02OK. So I get fed up with how much reality TV shows
0:11:02 > 0:11:03are on at the moment.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Like, The Only Way Is Essex really just did my noodle in.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09The fact that they won a BAFTA. I mean, what for -
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Best Foreign Language film?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:16You can imagine it - "Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up."
0:11:16 > 0:11:19And underneath it just says, "I'm incredulous at what you've just said."
0:11:19 > 0:11:21LAUGHTER
0:11:21 > 0:11:25And thank God now X Factor's moved away from the audition stages,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27torturing those poor people.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31You watch them rock up in the early stages - "Hello, what's your name?"
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- "Gonorrhoea!" - LAUGHTER
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"And what's that you are wearing?"
0:11:35 > 0:11:39"It's a waistcoat I've knitted from my own pubes."
0:11:39 > 0:11:42All right, lovely. And the weird thing about X Factor is,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45it's making bigger stars of the judges than the contestants.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I was watching Cheryl Cole on Piers Morgan's Life Stories.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I got really angry because I was listening to her talking about
0:11:51 > 0:11:54"being in Africa and my fight with malaria".
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I got so angry, and then I remembered malaria's a disease,
0:11:58 > 0:12:02it's not the name of another toilet attendant she's been kicking the shit out of!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04APPLAUSE
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Yeah.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10All I'll say is this - if she likes hitting black people so much
0:12:10 > 0:12:14maybe she should go out with Chris Brown, see how that works out for her!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- Thank you very much, Andi! - APPLAUSE
0:12:20 > 0:12:23OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27The subject is hospitals. Who wants to come in...? Miles.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Hospitals. I can understand why some people
0:12:31 > 0:12:34think that they're a good idea...
0:12:34 > 0:12:36LAUGHTER
0:12:36 > 0:12:37I really dislike them.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I think hospitals are terrifying places to be.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45I have had several general anaesthetics over the last year so I'm terrified of them.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48They are grey buildings full of people who are dead,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50about to be, overworked, stressed out
0:12:50 > 0:12:53or asking for change for the car parking facilities.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57I can't understand, therefore, why even today we have this thing
0:12:57 > 0:13:02where...the idea that a nurse's uniform is considered sexy.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I've got no doubt that lots and lots of nurses themselves
0:13:06 > 0:13:09are unbelievable creatures, but the idea...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Yet if you wander into a sex shop, either deliberately, or you might
0:13:15 > 0:13:20have some sort of job that involves touring, you've constantly got to go and ask directions in places...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:25People are buying nurses' uniforms as a sexy outfit.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30What is sexy about a nurse's uniform? Surely a nurse's uniform just screams "hospital" at you.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Who's at home going, "Darling, could you dress up as a nurse for me tonight?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37"I want you to remind me of when I had a length of my bowel removed."
0:13:37 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"Would you do that for me, would you?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45"Go on, put that on, act like a naughty nurse."
0:13:45 > 0:13:48A naughty nurse is one that doesn't wash their hands!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Perhaps smothers you with a pillow, having subtly encouraged you to alter your will.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Thank you very much, Miles.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02OK, that leaves us with Milton. Let's spin the wheel.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07It's travel.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Away you go.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Keep Britain Tidy.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Chop off Norfolk and Cornwall.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:23People from New Zealand don't like being called Australian, do they? Oh, no!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26What people from Britain don't realise is it's a separate culture,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28there's a great big sea between the two places.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31What people from New Zealand don't realise is, we in Britain...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33don't care.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I've just come back from Holland.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39When I was there I was in a fish restaurant.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42A bloke on the table next to me began to cough so I ignored him.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Then he began to cough a bit more so I still ignored him.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Then he began to choke really badly,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49so in the end I stood up and smacked him on the back.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Anyway, it turns out he was just speaking Dutch.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:58 > 0:15:00That works with Welsh as well.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:06You have to admire the Dutch cos what they've done
0:15:06 > 0:15:09is legalise drugs, so there are far fewer people in prison.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I suppose the next step is to legalise murder.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14There'll be far, far fewer people...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16in general.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Sometimes, though, it's difficult to know if you remember something
0:15:22 > 0:15:25or you remember the photograph of something.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27My earliest memory is of being in America,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30standing over an air vent and my skirt billowing up...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:33 > 0:15:35That's all! Thank you, goodnight!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Well done.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Points there to Milton Jones. Come on back!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Our next round is called
0:15:46 > 0:15:48If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52On the board are six categories. Andi, which category would you like?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Sport, please.- OK, your category is sport. The answer is...
0:15:58 > 0:15:59What is the question?
0:15:59 > 0:16:04Is it, "What is the worst Earth, Wind & Fire tribute act on the circuit today?"
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Is it, "What were the News of the World after stories about
0:16:09 > 0:16:12"when they hacked Snow White's phone?"
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:18"Why did Gandalf go missing for so long in Lord Of The Rings?"
0:16:18 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Is it, "What's under this desk?"
0:16:26 > 0:16:31Is it, "What's under this desk and eating a carrot at the moment?"
0:16:31 > 0:16:32That ain't no carrot!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Is it, "What are the three badges they've introduced
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"to stem the decline in membership at the Cubs?"
0:16:39 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER
0:16:42 > 0:16:47Is it, "What is the most common mishearing of Dutch Prime Minister Boos Blundendworf's name?"
0:16:47 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Is it, "What was on the conveyor belt in The Generation Game: Too Hot For TV?"
0:16:54 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Is it the contents of the best ever Kinder Egg?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Is it things Ashley Cole's been sick on?
0:17:03 > 0:17:04AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:04 > 0:17:06All based on facts, people.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Is it, "What are Carrie Fisher's main recollections
0:17:10 > 0:17:13"of filming Return Of The Jedi?"
0:17:13 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Is it, "Name three reasons cited in the recent
0:17:23 > 0:17:25"Krankie vs Krankie divorce case"?
0:17:25 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:38Is it, "What were the three weirdest things that MPs tried to claim expenses for?"
0:17:38 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Anyone know what the correct answer is?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Probably, "What have the England rugby team been involved with?"
0:17:49 > 0:17:52That is close enough. That's absolutely fine.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54APPLAUSE
0:17:55 > 0:17:57The question I was looking for is,
0:17:57 > 0:18:02"What might the England team be best remembered for after this year's Rugby World Cup?"
0:18:02 > 0:18:04England's campaign came to an end on Saturday
0:18:04 > 0:18:08when they were knocked out in the quarterfinal by France in a 19-12 defeat,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10that saw a number of on- and off-pitch scandals,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14with the team's boozy night out at a club featuring dwarf-throwing
0:18:14 > 0:18:17attracting widespread criticism in the press.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20And unbelievably hilarious nonetheless.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24It wasn't just dwarfs, it was "leprechaun night".
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I feel sorry for the dwarves. They've had it up to...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:34 > 0:18:38There were problems as well cos one of them jumped off a ferry.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Yeah, Manu Tui...- Tuilagi.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- "Langi."- Well, there's no N in there, if you want to...
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- That's his pronunciation of it. - Yeah, cos you speak fluent Samoan!
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Samoan, I do.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Hang on, why would I need to speak fluent Samoan? He's English!
0:18:55 > 0:18:59The thing is, he says he's English, but he is in fact Samoan, he just owns a cat.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:05 > 0:19:07In other news, what might we face this winter?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- Winter.- Yes!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12That is genuinely the big news this week.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Apparently winter is coming this winter, and we should watch out for it.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Cos it might come as a huge surprise to people.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20They're worried about this lack of solar activity
0:19:20 > 0:19:23cos they're saying that last year we had a very cold December,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27coldest for 100 years. A lot of our airports were closed.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Whilst, in fact, the airports in Alaska and Moscow were still open.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33They're saying what we should get is a heated runway.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Environmentally, that's got to be terrible, but also it'd be dangerous, wouldn't it?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40If they're worried about birds flying up into the engines,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42think about it, heated runway -
0:19:42 > 0:19:46there'll be cats curled up all the way along.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- The other thing we used to do with my cat...- Oh, Jeez!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51LAUGHTER
0:19:51 > 0:19:56It wasn't, wait till he'd had a particularly big shit and do some skipping?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59My parents used to take it for a walk...
0:19:59 > 0:20:03They used to take it for a walk on a lead, a 30-foot washing line.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Is that what he swallowed?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I almost dread asking this. Where did they take him on a walk?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Oh, we took it everywhere. We took it on holiday.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17It climbed Pen-y-ghent in the Yorkshire Dales.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:26Don't forget, this is on the end of a line. He wasn't willingly...
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Dangling underneath you going, "Miaow! Miaow!"
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Was there a point when there was a washing line halfway into the cat and half out,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39so the cat had 15 metres, and then...
0:20:39 > 0:20:42LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Why have BBC subtitles come under fire this week?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Because they're wrong.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49They do tend to be. Why do they tend to be wrong?
0:20:49 > 0:20:55The reason that subtitles tend to be wrong - often they're typed live, by people who make mistakes.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00I don't know if you've ever typed when the telly's on. It's distracting.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:06They're blaming it on this voice-recognition software, and one of the examples was,
0:21:06 > 0:21:12"Pigs apparently like to nibble anything that comes into their sheds, including wellies."
0:21:12 > 0:21:17That's what was being said. And it came up on screen, instead of wellies,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19"They like nibbling willies."
0:21:19 > 0:21:23That is nothing to do with voice-recognition software -
0:21:23 > 0:21:26that is somebody taking the piss in the BBC subtitle department.
0:21:26 > 0:21:32The Labour leader Ed Miliband has complained he's been referred to on the subtitling as the:
0:21:33 > 0:21:35LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Viewers were also surprised to see the religious leader visiting a local town was in fact:
0:21:42 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:48 > 0:21:53"Ooh, call this a church? I don't think so!"
0:21:56 > 0:21:58CHRIS: I saw that one come up...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Instead of crossing himself... Exactly, yeah.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:11"Ain't no bitch becoming priest in MY church."
0:22:13 > 0:22:14APPLAUSE
0:22:14 > 0:22:19The most famous example was during the Queen Mother's funeral,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23when what should have read, "We'll now have a moment's silence for the Queen Mother" read:
0:22:28 > 0:22:32"Just a moment. Just get it out of your systems!
0:22:32 > 0:22:36"Whoever's nearby, you get one slap. One slap.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39"It's what she would've wanted." Boff!
0:22:39 > 0:22:43They can always use the deaf subtitle-y people, signing people.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45You were doing that?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Signing people, who are now going "deaf sign-y people" in the corner.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- I don't think they're just doing that.- That's deaf for "Bleh".
0:22:52 > 0:22:57I don't know if there's any version of our show that goes out late with signing. I've no idea.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Maybe YOU can tell me.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:08APPLAUSE
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Please, please let that actually happen.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19What might we be tapping our elbows...
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Excuse me, I'll do that again. Why might we be tapping... Oh, for fuck's sake.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I'd love to see the subtitles coming up at the moment!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- LAUGHTER - You and me are through.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41At the end of that round, the points go to Miles, Andi and Andy!
0:23:41 > 0:23:42APPLAUSE
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Everyone make their way over to the performance area, please.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Here we go. The first subject is:
0:24:01 > 0:24:06"And, lo, they finally saw the sign that God had promised.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08"You are now leaving Swindon."
0:24:08 > 0:24:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:14 > 0:24:20"But when they got there, the tomb was empty. 'Rikes!', said Scoob."
0:24:20 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:23 > 0:24:27"Sodom and Gomorrah, twinned with Tyne and Wear."
0:24:27 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER
0:24:31 > 0:24:36"And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"until eventually Moses' wife said,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41"'Are you going to ask for directions or what?'"
0:24:41 > 0:24:42LAUGHTER
0:24:45 > 0:24:50"And Eve did realise that she was naked and she was ashamed,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"but then Gok Wan said, 'Work it, baby, you look amazing!'"
0:24:53 > 0:24:56APPLAUSE
0:24:56 > 0:24:59"Noah said, 'If it carries on raining like this,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01"'we'll have to eat the unicorns.'"
0:25:01 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:08"And Moses saw the Burning Bush and said to his wife,
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- "'I think you've overdone that bikini wax again.'" - LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:14APPLAUSE
0:25:16 > 0:25:18"And David smote Goliath!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"He meant to smack him, but he was using predictive text."
0:25:21 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:30"Eve! Eve!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32"Use fig leaves!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34"Not nettles!"
0:25:34 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:38APPLAUSE
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"And the Lord said,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42"'Shit, I've made a wasp!'"
0:25:42 > 0:25:45LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:48APPLAUSE
0:25:49 > 0:25:53"And Jesus saw a traveller in distress and said unto him,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56"'Why don't you just leave Dale Farm and find somewhere else to live?'"
0:25:56 > 0:25:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:59 > 0:26:02"And the Lord said to Gideon,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05"'Take this book and put it in every Travelodge.'"
0:26:05 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:10 > 0:26:13"Listen, this is really awkward - I know there's a queue,
0:26:13 > 0:26:17"but I'm not a really big fan of fish! Eugh!"
0:26:17 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"There were only five loaves and two fishes.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28"Never go to Lidl on a Saturday night!"
0:26:28 > 0:26:30LAUGHTER
0:26:30 > 0:26:32OK. The next topic, please.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Unlikely things to hear in a makeover show.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Welcome to What Not To Wear.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41A welly on your cock.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:48This week's Look Good Naked, starring Edwina Currie,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50is the last in the series...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52LAUGHTER
0:26:52 > 0:26:56..and was recorded shortly before Gok Wan's suicide.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58LAUGHTER
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- PIRATE VOICE:- Well, we started off by ripping up all the decking...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Abandon ship!
0:27:06 > 0:27:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:10 > 0:27:15We are going to give you back all your confidence and dignity,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17as soon as we hoover the fat out of your arse.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:27Michelle has got jowls, false teeth, and, in fact, a moustache,
0:27:27 > 0:27:32but unfortunately, we're here to do up her front room, not her face.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:38David and Jane wanted more space,
0:27:38 > 0:27:42so we've repossessed their house and they're living in the park.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:50We've pebble-dashed, replastered and put new plumbing in downstairs,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53and now Anne Robinson is good as new.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Welcome to 60 Minute Makeover...
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Ooh, babe, actually, that's going to take a lot longer!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:03 > 0:28:07If you want to feel better-looking and increase your self-esteem,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09move to Leeds.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:15And today on Property Ladder,
0:28:15 > 0:28:19we're going to show you how to break into a property using a ladder.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:27You're obviously sensitive about your weight and you shouldn't be.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Do you mind if I call you lard-arse?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Well, Ian wanted a Renaissance look,
0:28:36 > 0:28:40so I've just set fire to a Catholic and taken a shit out of the window.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Talking of decking, who wants to punch Nick Knowles in the face?
0:28:49 > 0:28:51LAUGHTER
0:28:52 > 0:28:56Today on 10 Years Younger, we're going to try and squeeze
0:28:56 > 0:29:00nine-year-old Amy back up her mother's womb.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:07 > 0:29:11OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton!
0:29:11 > 0:29:14APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:15 > 0:29:19And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are
0:29:19 > 0:29:20Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Miles Jupp.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23CHEERING
0:29:24 > 0:29:28Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones!
0:29:28 > 0:29:30CHEERING
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O'Briain, good night.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:48 > 0:29:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk