0:00:03 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world, news of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world, news of the world
0:00:31 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Hello, I'm Dara O'Briain. Merry Christmas.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43You know, this isn't really the time of year for biting satire and hard-hitting political comment.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46It's a time to family, togetherness and joy.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50So we've put together this special festive show featuring some seasonal chat,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54some best bits and a sack full of hilarious unseen material.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59So sit back, relax and enjoy it. Until next year, you look after yourself now.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02LAUGHTER
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Yvonne the cow has been discovered on a German farmer's field.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09This is the biggest story in Germany this summer.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Yvonne the cow was going to an abattoir but escaped from the abattoir
0:01:13 > 0:01:18and ran off into the wild. This is the kind of image they had of Yvonne.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23- They couldn't see her for months but occasionally, in the distance... - Did they get that from a B&B?
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- It's the kind of art you have in a bedroom in a shit bed and breakfast. - LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Are you sure that isn't... Is that not Harry Potter's Patronus?
0:01:31 > 0:01:35LAUGHTER It is a beautiful story, though, because they've captured her,
0:01:35 > 0:01:40they're taking her back, looking after her and they've given her a job presenting Loose Women.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:49They're a bit worried she might be a bit highbrow, but they're just going to rein her in a little.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54"I don't know why ze bulls don't put ze seat down and it pisses me off!"
0:01:54 > 0:01:59- LAUGHTER - "What ze hell is that, Linda?" "I don't know."
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- How did they try to catch her? - Well, it's tragic.
0:02:03 > 0:02:09They... She was missing for three months, so they put her picture on a milk carton, but no-one noticed.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:17They.... I don't know. I don't know how you find a cow.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Nightclub, 2am, love.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28- Where did they find her? - They sent bull noises, they played bull noises into the forest.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- They had an actual bull.- Did they? - Yeah, they used a real bull.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34It stood there playing Barry White CDs.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- LAUGHTER - # Bo, bo-bo-bo-bo-bovine
0:02:38 > 0:02:40How do you make a bull make bull noises?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Squeeze its balls.- Yeah. Moooooo!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- LAUGHTER - Mooooooo!- That works.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49No, they didn't, it just turned up on a farm.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53And she's now in an animal sanctuary. She's not going to be slaughtered.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57- She's been reunited with her two-year-old son. - LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:03:02- Also a cow. - Actually, he's a packet of burgers.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- LAUGHTER - They've glued his face on.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- LAUGHTER - Big bag of veal.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15- APPLAUSE - "Oh, your son is delicious."
0:03:15 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER My mum would love that above the fireplace, that picture.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- LAUGHTER - OK, at the end of that round,
0:03:24 > 0:03:28possibly the weirdest round we've ever done...
0:03:28 > 0:03:33The story we should've done is the story of that poor pensioner who complained to the Post Office
0:03:33 > 0:03:38that his letters weren't being delivered and it was pointed out to him that for three years
0:03:38 > 0:03:41he'd be posting them into a red dog-poo bin.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And now we come to our special Christmas quiz.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I ask the panellists a series of questions about the festive season
0:03:54 > 0:03:58in the hope of filling five minutes of our Christmas special.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- LAUGHTER - So, teams, here we go.
0:04:01 > 0:04:06First question, what Christmas tradition was... Note, there are no buzzers or any points.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11This show is not built in any way to accommodate genuine quizzes. But you can take your turns.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Which Christmas tradition was inaugurated by Sir Henry Cole in 1843?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- Is it the Christmas tree? - It is not the Christmas tree.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Arguing with your relatives? - No, it's not that one either.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26Is it holding mistletoe above your head and being allowed to sexually harass other people?
0:04:26 > 0:04:31- It is not that happy tradition, no. - Is it waking your children early, saying to them,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- "It looks like the sleeping pills have worked. Happy Easter"? - LAUGHTER
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Is it going to church just once a year
0:04:37 > 0:04:40and that's usually at midnight after the pubs have closed
0:04:40 > 0:04:44cos you want one more glass of wine? LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Man, you'd really want to be desperate for your wine, wouldn't you?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51That's something to bring up at an AA meeting. I sat through God.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54That's how much I wanted another drink.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Is it Christmas stockings?- No.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01- That's a Victorian tradition. - Were you trying to mime something there for us?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Ahh!- Christmas carols!- Yes! Well done, Ed Burn, point for him.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- APPLAUSE - There are no points!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- I know there are no points! - You promised us no points.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Name Santa's reindeer. I'll take attempts at this.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- Donna and Blitzen.- Correct. - Prancer and Vixen.- That's two each.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- Dasher.- Yes. - It's like they're doing a duet!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23But not Rudolph, that's a lie.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- What have we had? I'm lost. - Donna and Blitzen we had.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- Dasher, Comet.- Bashful. - Yeah, Bashful, Sleepy,
0:05:31 > 0:05:36- Doc.- If one's called Comet, one's going to be called Currys. - LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Vixen, Cupid...
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- Cupid!- Nobody said Cupid. - What a ridiculous name for a reindeer. Cupid?
0:05:43 > 0:05:48They must have teased him with a name like that. He must have been the reindeer they teased.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- LAUGHTER - Reindeer are notoriously shallow.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55If the story about Rudolph is anything to go by,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57reindeer are ridiculously shallow
0:05:57 > 0:06:03and they will make fun and slag you off until you get a job with Santa and then they will all love you.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06That last line of that song should actually be,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09"Then Rudolph said to them, "Fuck yous, I'm with Santa now".
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- Merry Christmas, everyone.- "Why don't you look at my ass for the entire...
0:06:13 > 0:06:18- "Why don't we fly round the entire world while you look at my hole?" - LAUGHTER
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"No matter how fast you fly, it's all you'll see. Ho-ho-ho.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26"All you're going to see is my hairy reindeer ass going all around the world.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"The nose is in the front, bitches.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33"The nose is fighting fog while you're looking at my ass, Cupid, and that's all you'll get!"
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Enjoy your reindeer games. - LAUGHTER
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Can we move on? Oh, sorry, is that not festive enough for this ridiculously contrived...
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Sorry, am I not striking the mood of the nation at this stage?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48"Yeah, bitches, look at that ass!"
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- LAUGHTER - # I see you, baby, shaking that ass
0:06:51 > 0:06:56- # Shaking that ass - APPLAUSE Good night!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Ho-ho-ho.
0:06:58 > 0:07:04In other news, what is the Bank of England doing to improve the UK's dire economic situation?
0:07:04 > 0:07:09- Bring and buy sale.- Yes, a massive, global bring and buy sale. No.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Quantitative easing. It's very difficult to say. "Quantitatatative easing."
0:07:13 > 0:07:16And George Osborne said in 2009,
0:07:16 > 0:07:21"Quantitative easing is the last resort of a desperate government
0:07:21 > 0:07:24"when all other policies have failed."
0:07:24 > 0:07:29- Well remembered. He did. - Yeah. So it's fantastic that he had such foresight back in 2009
0:07:29 > 0:07:33to know what a crap chancellor he was about to become. LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- Who announced the quantitative easing?- Mervyn King announced it.
0:07:38 > 0:07:44- I genuinely get confused between Mervyn King and Marvin Gaye. - LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Every time I hear Mervyn King, I think, "Didn't he do I Heard It Through The Grapevine?"
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- LAUGHTER - Is that wrong?
0:07:51 > 0:07:58I always think that Mervyn King doesn't look so much like a man as a mole who has burrowed out of a suit.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:07Mervyn King said, "This is the worst recession ever, the worst financial crisis ever".
0:08:07 > 0:08:12The word ever, whenever you put it on the end of a sentence, just makes you sound like a petulant teenager.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17This is the worst financial crisis ever! I hate you! I wish I'd never been born!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20LAUGHTER The thing about this QE is
0:08:20 > 0:08:25they're worried exactly where the money will go, what the banks will do with it.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28The government are hoping that it will go to small businesses.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Or as they used to be called, large businesses.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:41Do you know how much growth the UK's gone through in the last...
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- 0.01 percent.- 0.1 percent growth.
0:08:44 > 0:08:49- And that is all down to Adele. - LAUGHTER
0:08:49 > 0:08:53If she hadn't released that album, there'd have been no growth at all.
0:08:53 > 0:09:00Times are hard and I didn't think that I'd get a loan from the bank for my knitting business.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I found if I actually turned up wearing a balaclava...
0:09:03 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:09APPLAUSE
0:09:11 > 0:09:15The problem with quantitative easing is they want to pump £75 billion into the economy.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20And that's literally printing more money. That means your money is worth less.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24This is the second time they've done it. Every time, your money is worth less.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28I think every time they do it, the queen should be wearing shittier and shittier clothes
0:09:28 > 0:09:33- until eventually she's just in Primark leggings and a scrunchy. - LAUGHTER
0:09:33 > 0:09:36With a fag hanging out of her mouth.
0:09:36 > 0:09:43"The governor of the Bank of England promises to pay you fuck all, mates."
0:09:43 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:46 > 0:09:52Our next round is called News Reel. We play a recent piece of footage featuring people from the news
0:09:52 > 0:09:57and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said. This week features David Cameron.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00"Well, they said this was the place to go for the world leaders' party,
0:10:00 > 0:10:05"but there doesn't seem to be anyone around. That's a bit strange. Never mind.
0:10:05 > 0:10:11"Oh, look, a long corridor. Lots of cameras. Oh, my God, I think I may be entering the Big Brother house.
0:10:11 > 0:10:17"Never mind, I hope they've got the housemates I wanted, Stacey Solomon, Ian Beale and H from Steps."
0:10:17 > 0:10:24- "Ah, Merry Christmas everybody, I'm Angela, Bavaria's next big model." - LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:28"Yes, I used to be a world leader but not any more."
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- "I've come to read the meter, it's over there, yeah." - LAUGHTER
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"Ah, bonjour, how are you?
0:10:34 > 0:10:40- "Oh, my God, even the Chinese are taller than me." - LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:46"Maybe I should start wearing Carla's heels. I tell you a secret, I'm already wearing her panties."
0:10:47 > 0:10:51"Look, you'll enjoy this, look at that, that's one of our riots.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54"Yes, it could be Kabul. Yes."
0:10:54 > 0:10:58"Hey, big fella, how you doing? Merry Christmas, how was your year, yeah?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:00"Well, it wasn't bad actually."
0:11:00 > 0:11:05"I personally tracked down and killed the world's most wanted man, Osama Bin Laden.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09"There was no footage released because I did it on my own, yeah, I did.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13"All me, bang! I got him. Yep. That's me. Yep.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"So, has anyone given you a Christmas box?"
0:11:15 > 0:11:19"Well, unfortunately no, I was hoping to get one with Nick Clegg's head in it."
0:11:19 > 0:11:23"Yeah, that's me, I got Osama, yeah. I killed him, bare hands.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26"Yeah, no joking. Yeah, that's me."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"Someone has dropped a curtain on me but from where?"
0:11:29 > 0:11:34"I'm not going to drink any of the tap water. I think David Walliams might have been swimming in it."
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- "Yeah, it was me, bare hands, one blow." - LAUGHTER
0:11:38 > 0:11:40"Er, yeah, presents? I want a step ladder."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"Now, it's Ben Kingsley, isn't it?"
0:11:42 > 0:11:46"Ah, lovely to see you, Mr Cameron.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50"Come and sit down here. Please, make yourself comfortable."
0:11:50 > 0:11:55"Well, thank you very much. I think there's great scope for cooperation between our two nations.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01"I think we can move forward together in the future. If I can say just one thing to you, er, simples."
0:12:01 > 0:12:06- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Thank you very much, Hugh!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- Why should it be illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas day? - Cos they're fucking minging.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16LAUGHTER
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- Why... Are they actually mince? - No, you can go really badly wrong with that.
0:12:20 > 0:12:27It's mincemeat, which is a mixture of vileness, vomit, tears, disappointment and lemon peel.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- LAUGHTER - As opposed to meat.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Like many things about Christmas, it sounds fun and it's a massive disappointment.
0:12:35 > 0:12:41- Why should it be illegal though? - Because they contain swan.- No, it's not because they contain swan.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46It's because well-known friend of the Irish Oliver Cromwell banned them in the 17th century
0:12:46 > 0:12:48and the law has never been rescinded.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- Really?- Yeah.- You're fairly safe because you're unlikely to meet a roundhead now.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57- LAUGHTER - In Tesco. I've been there lots. I've never seen one, have you?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00It depends whether Dara's shopping there or not.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02LAUGHTER
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- HE COUGHS - Sorry.- Oh, God.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12The humour of that situation was reduced by me dying of TB.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Just gob it out, Dara, gob it out.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I'm not just going to gob it out.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Remember when people used to do a big gob on the floor and say, "Pick the bones out of that one."
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- LAUGHTER - Those were great days, weren't they?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:32How have the three main party leaders fared in a recent poll?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- Well, quite badly. It was a survey, wasn't it? - It was a survey of sorts, yes.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Are you... Would you like me to get you a consumption doctor?
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- LAUGHTER - You're such an Irish stereotype, look at you, dying of consumption.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- That's so cold. - You wait till the famine kicks in. - LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:54How have the three main party leaders fared in a recent poll?
0:13:54 > 0:14:01- Well, was it a poll?- It's a poll, a survey...- It's a focus group. Lord Ashcroft ran a focus group
0:14:01 > 0:14:06in which he got people to identify leaders of each of the parties with particular animals,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09so Cameron was a lion, Miliband was a dog, Clegg was a kitten,
0:14:09 > 0:14:14which is fair enough, because those three things are never going to clear up their own shit.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:16 > 0:14:21If Cameron was compared to a lion, what we want to know is,
0:14:21 > 0:14:25does that make Theresa May the witch, and Eric Pickles the wardrobe?
0:14:25 > 0:14:30- LAUGHTER - He was a sheep, as well. He was a kitten, a sheep or a mouse.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35But when they said he reminded them of a bulldog, you know, obviously the Tory party are now saying,
0:14:35 > 0:14:41"Sturdy, powerful, British." Whereas people might have meant stupid, dangerous, inbred.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:47 > 0:14:53If you personally wanted to be an animal, there's nothing wrong with being a sheep, is there?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- No, no, no. - I would like to be a sheep... - LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:02- ..because if you are a sheep, humans will still speak to you. - LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Watch. Bah!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08AUDIENCE: Bah!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- APPLAUSE - Bah!
0:15:10 > 0:15:16OK, OK, OK. Let's consider the point proven and not begin a dialogue.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- Bah!- AUDIENCE: Bah!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- I'm just going to see if they follow me. - LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Doesn't that work with any animal?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28No, don't... No, we're not doing this!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- LAUGHTER - We are not going to...
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- Ooh!- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37What's that?
0:15:37 > 0:15:42- What do you mean, what was that? That was an owl!- If you go past a duck pond and you don't go...
0:15:42 > 0:15:45HE QUACKS ..you have started to die.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:52I thought Clegg could've turned being compared to a mouse to his advantage,
0:15:52 > 0:15:56because mice traditionally gnaw through cables, don't they?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I thought... I just...
0:16:01 > 0:16:07I like the idea of people walking into Clegg's office and Vince Cable has literally been chewed in half.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11He's standing there going, "Yeah, who's a mouse now?" LAUGHTER
0:16:11 > 0:16:14APPLAUSE
0:16:14 > 0:16:19OK, if you received all of the gifts listed in the 12 days of Christmas,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22how many presents would you receive?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- Almost as many as in the Argos catalogue. - LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- 84.- No.- 96.- 68.- No.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- No.- Is it 12 plus 11 plus... - No, it's not.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Do socks count as one or two gifts?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- It's a misreading of the thing. - No, it's not a misreading.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43On the 11th day, I received all the shite I'd received the other days, I got them again,
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- and I got an extra thing. That's the way the song works. - Wait, I know this one.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- There was only one person going to St Ives because... - LAUGHTER
0:16:51 > 0:16:57- Er, no, actually you would receive 364.- Really? - Yeah.- That's interesting.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00HE SNORES
0:17:00 > 0:17:04A couple of years ago, I performed at the Royal Variety Performance and it was in December,
0:17:04 > 0:17:09and the producer said, "You should talk about Christmas in Australia."
0:17:09 > 0:17:14I said, "Why?" They said, "Cos it's hot." I went, "Yeah?" They went, "Oh, hilarious!"
0:17:14 > 0:17:20So because of them, I went, "Hello, your Majesty, my name's Adam and I'm going back to Australia tomorrow
0:17:20 > 0:17:24"so I can have a real Christmas." And got the same response you guys just gave.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29I went, "You know, a real Christmas, where we have Santa and a sun tan." HE GASPS
0:17:29 > 0:17:34And I just thought, "Oh, my God, what happens if you die on stage in front of the Queen?"
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Then I thought, "She'll probably send me to Australia." LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:42Then afterwards in the line-up, the Queen came round and shook people's hands, she came to me and said,
0:17:42 > 0:17:47"I enjoyed your show" I said, "Thank you". She made an accidental back-handed compliment.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51She said, "The audience were very helpful, weren't they?" LAUGHTER
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Wow! Basically, "You were shit, but we got you over the line."
0:17:54 > 0:17:57LAUGHTER
0:17:57 > 0:18:02And I didn't know what to say so I went, "Thank you. When one makes the effort to travel so far from London
0:18:02 > 0:18:08"the audience appreciate the effort one has gone to." And she went, "What?"
0:18:08 > 0:18:10LAUGHTER And she went to walk on
0:18:10 > 0:18:14and she looked back at me and she said, "Did you fly here just for this show?"
0:18:14 > 0:18:19And I said, "No, I have been in London for a couple of weeks, but I am flying back first thing."
0:18:19 > 0:18:25And no kidding, she went, "Oh, yes, so you can have a real Christmas."
0:18:25 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Owned by the Queen!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32APPLAUSE
0:18:32 > 0:18:37- What's going on here? - That's fantastic. - Is it an elk shagging a nesting box?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- Has that tree got Dutch elk disease? - AUDIENCE GROAN
0:18:45 > 0:18:47LAUGHTER
0:18:47 > 0:18:53It's very Christmassy. Is that bloke in the corner saying, "I'm sorry Rudolph, that's an automatic ban."
0:18:53 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:19:00Rudolph survived the crash, but unfortunately Santa really doesn't exist now.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05- It's an elk.- It's a moose. - Oh, is it? I was hoping it was an elk because he was drunk, wasn't he?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- Yeah, he was a drunk moose. - He had a terrible hangover, so I was hoping to say,
0:19:09 > 0:19:14- how did he get rid of the hangover? Elk-aseltzer. - LAUGHTER
0:19:14 > 0:19:18You can't say it now, you have to say moose-aseltzer.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20And moose-aseltzer doesn't work as well.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Is the elk going, "You're right, Brian, I couldn't jump over the tree."
0:19:24 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER
0:19:26 > 0:19:30The moose is saying, "I'll come quietly officer, well, reasonably quietly,
0:19:30 > 0:19:35"I don't know if you've ever heard a moose come, but it's not subtle." LAUGHTER
0:19:35 > 0:19:39What is the difference between a moose and an elk anyway? If you can tell that's not an elk.
0:19:39 > 0:19:45I can't tell, I was told that was a moose. I can't tell if it's a moose or an elk.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49I'm not going, "In my long years of doing the Norwegian Spring Watch,
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- "me and Bill Oddie..." - LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Oh, sorry, this just in, they're the same thing.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I think that's too neat.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09"They're just the same thing, same thing. Don't confuse people."
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- Can I just tell you how that thing got over its hangover, then? - Yeah.- Elk-aseltzer.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:18 > 0:20:21They want you and me to wish them a happy Christmas.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- To wish who a happy Christmas? - I don't know, the viewers.
0:20:24 > 0:20:30Hey, maybe you're watching this on a compilation show that we just bang out. Either way, happy Christmas.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33LAUGHTER
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- And from me. - LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:41This is exciting. Is it just that phrase?
0:20:41 > 0:20:46Just that phrase. Wow, OK, let me get this right. In other news...
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57It's dog eat dog here, man. LAUGHTER
0:20:57 > 0:21:01You're not in Canada now. LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:06Well, how could this be any less dignified? Oh, yes, if we have to have our heads patted down.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:12LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:30It's not my T-shirt. My T-shirt didn't work on camera so I got this. It's the lowest V I've ever seen.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35- I look like a work in Toni and Guy. - LAUGHTER
0:21:36 > 0:21:40- You try, don't you, Andy? - Are you having my go?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- Oh, no, no, that's not right. - It's not right, is it?- No, come on.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49LAUGHTER
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- We're not animals. - LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:57- I don't want to start hurting people, all right? - LAUGHTER
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- Not that I could, anyway. - LAUGHTER
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- I'll come in again then, Micky. - Sorry. - LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:09- I'll cover you again. I'm not fighting a dinosaur, not for anyone. - LAUGHTER
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- I just wanted to stand here. - LAUGHTER
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- Oh, no, the Canadian's come in now. - LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:21Oh, sorry... Yes, of course I can. You want the magic words "In other news"?
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- You know, put that on my gravestone. - LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:29What, in other news, Dara is dead.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- No points for Andy. - LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:41- Is it...- No, is it, erm... - Did you suddenly have a mental lapse there for a moment?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- You know what stopped me? Me hair feels wrong.- Yeah?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Do you ever have those days when your hair just feels wrong?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- I've had that feeling...- You get that, where it just feels wrong?
0:22:52 > 0:22:56We can pause the entire recording until your hair feels right.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- LAUGHTER - Could we all come back tomorrow?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Could we possibly? How's your hair? Is it all right?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- Yeah, OK.- I think you're worth it. - LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Is it, in fact, couple of arseholes follow shitbag?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:17 > 0:23:23These are the ones you clap. Don't come to us. These are the ones you want.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Merry Christmas! LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Ho-ho-ho!
0:23:28 > 0:23:34OK, can we go for applause rather than any more points. I can't hand out any more imaginary points now.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37We reached the point where I handed you both points,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40thus rendering it pointless to hand either of you points at all.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43If I give you both points, it's the same thing.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47You will let us know if you ever think you're having a breakdown? LAUGHTER
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Christmas story, heart-warming, delightful. - LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:24:00No, there was a Christmas dinner the day after, St Stephen's Day as it's know in Ireland, Boxing Day here,
0:24:00 > 0:24:04and it was three generations of one side of the family,
0:24:04 > 0:24:08granny, uncles, aunts, the kids, and people started telling jokes
0:24:08 > 0:24:13and they were all, "What lies at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck." Cracker-type jokes.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16And then my cousin, I was about 11, my cousin was about 12, 13,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20he said, "I've got a joke" and they said, "What's the joke?"
0:24:20 > 0:24:24and he said, "What's pink and hard and you rub it in the bathroom?"
0:24:24 > 0:24:28- LAUGHTER - And the table went, "fwump!"
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- LAUGHTER - Because all the adults went "Huh!" like that.
0:24:31 > 0:24:36And he was the eldest cousin, so everyone below him went, "Ooh, I don't know, that's interesting."
0:24:36 > 0:24:41- LAUGHTER - "It could be many things. Ooh, this is a teaser."
0:24:41 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER
0:24:43 > 0:24:47And there was a pause and he goes, "A bar of soap".
0:24:47 > 0:24:50And every adult went, "Phew!"
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- And all the kids went... - HE TUTS
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- LAUGHTER - "I don't get it. The soap in our house is green for a start."
0:24:56 > 0:25:01And that could've been it, except his dad, my uncle, then,
0:25:01 > 0:25:06for some crazy reason went, "That's not the real answer, is it?"
0:25:06 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:13 > 0:25:17The first joke I ever told my mother was, and I was about eight and I didn't understand it,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21I said, "How do you get to Shepherd's Bush? Up the shepherd's leg."
0:25:21 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:30And she sort of ignored it.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER
0:25:32 > 0:25:37OK, how much snow has to fall for an official white Christmas...
0:25:37 > 0:25:42This is genuinely interesting. ..for an official white Christmas to be declared in the UK?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Ten inches. I checked. LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- It's very little. It's about five centimetres.- No.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- A flake.- One flake.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- No! - Andy Parsons is absolutely correct.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- One flake in the right place. - APPLAUSE
0:25:58 > 0:26:03Oh, but it's Christmas. It's Christmas, so why should one team win
0:26:03 > 0:26:07rather than the other team? I declare none of you to be winners.
0:26:07 > 0:26:13- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - None of you. Go back to your homes and study.
0:26:13 > 0:26:19OK, the next topic is unlikely things to hear at Christmas.
0:26:20 > 0:26:27I'm afraid Granddad's dead. He fell into a bowl of Christmas cake mix.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31It sounds unlikely, but under the surface, very strong currants.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:35 > 0:26:40It's time to drain the 25th vegetable in our advent colander!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Bad news, son. Santa's just sent a text.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Apparently, he won't be able to make it until after the sales have started.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Your mother has always wanted to be somewhere hot for Christmas,
0:27:01 > 0:27:05- so I've chained her to the aga. - LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Santa's deliveries were much quicker this year
0:27:11 > 0:27:15because he didn't have to deliver to the naughty children of Tottenham and Croydon.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:20 > 0:27:26Oh, this is embarrassing. The smaller set of underwear is actually for my secretary.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:32I'm afraid Santa wasn't able to bring you a toy train,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35so he's brought you a toy replacement bus service.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Mum, these are just flattened pieces of cardboard.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48This is just an ex-box.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52LAUGHTER
0:27:56 > 0:28:01No, no. No, no, no, the Wii is yours, darling, it's not granny's.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04LAUGHTER
0:28:04 > 0:28:08No, Granddad, you kiss under the mistletoe, not the camel toe!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:20I haven't got you a present, Grandma, cos Daddy promised you'd be dead.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24LAUGHTER
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Either we've been burgled or all Dad's got us for Christmas
0:28:29 > 0:28:32is a big poo in the middle of the carpet.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34LAUGHTER
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I got my Christmas presents early this year.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43- I looted them in August. - LAUGHTER
0:28:45 > 0:28:48We're turning the Christmas lights on in March.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51They're energy-saving bulbs, they should be ready by September.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:56 > 0:28:59So I've rubbed goose fat on these,
0:28:59 > 0:29:01so if you put your bra back on, grand.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05I don't think you'll have to worry about the cold anymore.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07LAUGHTER
0:29:12 > 0:29:15That's a jumbo sausage roll, isn't it?
0:29:17 > 0:29:19LAUGHTER
0:29:19 > 0:29:21That means I've eaten the Wii controller.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:26 > 0:29:30You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not shout, I'm telling you why,
0:29:30 > 0:29:35Santa Claus is coming to town, he's had a long drive, the last thing he needs is any shit off you two!
0:29:35 > 0:29:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Look, I have to say Merry Christmas.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44- I literally cannot find it in my heart... - LAUGHTER
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Merry Christmas.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49- Bleurgh!- Thanks, big guy! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:49 > 0:29:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:29:53 > 0:29:53.