:00:46. > :00:52.Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this
:00:52. > :00:58.week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Seann Walsh, Chris Addison,
:00:58. > :01:05.Stewart Francis and Hugh Dennis. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:01:05. > :01:08.We start with a round called Headliners. Here is a picture of
:01:08. > :01:15.the Prime Minister and the Deputy Prime Minister. What does GUPC
:01:15. > :01:23.stand for? Is it girls, uniforms, patients, Clegg, the Prime
:01:23. > :01:31.Minister's favourite things. Geneticists unveil pointless clone.
:01:31. > :01:40.Is it Cameron ordering lunch? Is it goose, ugly fruit, fezant and a
:01:40. > :01:46.coke. -- fezn't. Is it gormless under achievers punish country.
:01:46. > :01:55.Doesn't it look like Ant & Dec have just delivered a baby. When you are
:01:55. > :02:05.there ready and it's like hurray! Gay union parade Cameron? Cameron's
:02:05. > :02:05.
:02:05. > :02:15.thinking, gloves unnecessary for prostate check. Is it in fact
:02:15. > :02:15.
:02:15. > :02:24.genuinely unfunny photo caption? many ways they all are. Is it in
:02:24. > :02:26.fact, Government U-turns provoke criticism? Very good. Yes, the
:02:26. > :02:31.answer was Government U-turns provoke criticism. This is the news
:02:31. > :02:33.that a string of U-turns, including the reversal on sentencing, have
:02:33. > :02:39.brought the coalition fresh criticism about the public and
:02:39. > :02:43.within the Tory party. A YouGov poll has said 43% of voters fear
:02:43. > :02:47.the Government is losing its way. What have the Government changed
:02:47. > :02:49.their minds about? The one this week is rubbish collection. They
:02:49. > :02:55.said there would be rubbish collections once a week and now
:02:55. > :03:01.they've gone back on that. It's going to be once a fortnight. I've
:03:01. > :03:06.absolutely no idea why people are worried about taking your bin away
:03:06. > :03:13.twice a week because the foxes, if you riv in a city, will take them
:03:13. > :03:22.once a night. I said to the rabbit, I should run if I were you. I shall
:03:22. > :03:26.have your pelt for smoking... A man by the name of Eric Pickles
:03:26. > :03:29.who basically said it was the right of every Englishman to have the
:03:30. > :03:33.remnants of his chicken tick that massala to be able to put them in a
:03:33. > :03:39.bin without having to wait two weeks to have them collected. Have
:03:39. > :03:44.you seen the look of that man? That is... How would he know? There we
:03:44. > :03:49.go! That is a man who has no concept of leftovers whatsoever.
:03:49. > :03:53.you think though when he said the rem nans, he meant like the tin
:03:54. > :03:58.container -- remnants. He would have eaten that, the bag it came
:03:58. > :04:04.in... He would have eaten the receipt and the leaflet with the
:04:04. > :04:12.new menu on it and the delivery man only got away because he was on a
:04:12. > :04:16.moped. Jies nice! Indian take away, you don't put in a bin anyway, you
:04:16. > :04:20.put it in the bag you got it in, then you put that next to the bin,
:04:20. > :04:25.you don't actually put it in the bin so it doesn't matter. Surely it
:04:25. > :04:33.gets in the bin sooner or later. Where does the bag go? I really
:04:33. > :04:38.need to clean my house. Do the foxes ring your door bell and go,
:04:38. > :04:45."can we just come in," there's a smell under the door, this place is
:04:45. > :04:49.going to be great, "leave for an hour...". It's a big advantage of a
:04:49. > :04:54.wheelie bin that you can do a U- turn in it. And race in it. Have
:04:54. > :04:59.you ever done that, a race in a wheelie bins? No, I haven't.
:04:59. > :05:05.put a child in a wheelie bin. They're quite deep. They don't need
:05:05. > :05:12.to be seeing anything. You can have the lids closed. Do you even have
:05:12. > :05:17.to move, or do you just close the lid and go "here we go...".
:05:17. > :05:24.when they're sick, it's a good job they're in the bin. We are not
:05:24. > :05:29.suggesting you put children into a wheelie bin. Don't do it. CHEERING
:05:29. > :05:33.AND APPLAUSE What is it, we have had the bin.
:05:33. > :05:40.And the nursery milk? That was another one? The nursery milk
:05:40. > :05:45.scheme went tits up. Yes, went tits up. What else? Sentencing. Kenneth
:05:45. > :05:49.Clarke's had to, he was going to say if you pleaded guilty you were
:05:49. > :05:52.going to get 50% off your sentence which, it's a good thing there's no
:05:52. > :05:56.death penalty in this country because how is that going to work.
:05:56. > :06:04.I sentence you to half death, half life and you are going to have to
:06:04. > :06:07.go and live in Leicester. The Daily Mail readers and stuff
:06:07. > :06:11.get very upset about the fact that they're not sentencing people to
:06:11. > :06:15.long enough in prison. I mean, you ever worked in a prison, no-one
:06:15. > :06:19.considers that. I used to work in a prison as a prison officer for five
:06:19. > :06:24.years and it's very hard to keep those people entertained, you know.
:06:24. > :06:31.They get bored, they cause trouble, a lot of them get into religion,
:06:31. > :06:34.which is sweet. You know, when I had a Jehova's Witness in, I would
:06:35. > :06:42.send him round the wing knocking on everyone else's cell door. The best
:06:42. > :06:47.part of that was watching them trying to prefend they weren't in.
:06:47. > :06:53.-- pretend their weren't in. And the notion of whoever the ward
:06:53. > :06:59.is is going, how am I going to keep them entertained, we have done
:06:59. > :07:03.juggling, puppet shows.... They cause a lot of trouble. That ice
:07:04. > :07:08.why they're in there. They get bored. What did David Cameron
:07:08. > :07:13.announce on Father's Day? He wanted people to stigmatise run away
:07:13. > :07:19.fathers in the same way we stigmatise drunk drivers. He said
:07:19. > :07:24.the best give his dad ever gave him was optimism. That was a pretty
:07:24. > :07:30.disappointing Christmas. Optimism, I said Optimus Prime! Transformer,
:07:30. > :07:33.dad! It was the timing of it, on Father's Day, is this going to be
:07:33. > :07:39.his every major hallmark card anniversary, is he going to
:07:39. > :07:43.announce, Halloween, my new policy, no tricks, just treats! He did say
:07:43. > :07:48.though, didn't he, basically his father getting up early and then
:07:48. > :07:52.coming back very late at night having done a hard day's work, was
:07:52. > :07:54.basically made a profound impression on him, and you are
:07:54. > :08:00.thinking, if you had a little David Cameron, wouldn't you spend a lot
:08:00. > :08:04.of time outside in the car smoking, waiting for his bedroom light to go
:08:04. > :08:07.off?! That's a bit harsh. Who says that the women want them back in
:08:07. > :08:11.the first place? Has anyone even considered that. Bad enough being
:08:11. > :08:16.in a long-term relationship, I mean, it's miserable. Honestly, I know
:08:16. > :08:21.what I'm talking about, I have kids, it's awful and I... You know, kid
:08:21. > :08:26.just want some peace sometimes. Me and my ex were together a long time,
:08:26. > :08:30.we used to argue all the time and I was like, but if I leave him, he
:08:30. > :08:37.might actually go out there and meet somebody else and be happy. So
:08:38. > :08:40.I stayed out of spite. An unfair attack by David Cameron, he
:08:40. > :08:43.stigmatised the group just because you run away, take no
:08:43. > :08:50.responsibility for the child and do not see them, does not mean that
:08:50. > :08:55.you are not Mayor of London! APPLAUSE
:08:55. > :08:58.Lots of points aren't there, when children want their parents to be
:08:58. > :09:03.absent. I mean, I love my parents very much, but for me that was when,
:09:03. > :09:07.as a teenager, they used to take a cat for a walk on a lead, we used
:09:07. > :09:14.to take the cat for a walk on the lead and it wasn't just a lead, it
:09:14. > :09:18.was a 30 foot washing line! It went over Dartmoor and everywhere, this
:09:18. > :09:21.cat. I got so embarrassed by it that I had to walk, you know, about
:09:21. > :09:29.100 yards behind my parents. But that meant that you heard the
:09:29. > :09:33.comments of the people coming past them, it's awful for a teenage boy
:09:33. > :09:38.to be subjected to someone going "you see those people with the cat
:09:38. > :09:41.on a lead, I think they might have just been released back into the
:09:41. > :09:46.community". Didn't you parents have a wheelie bin? They had a wheelie
:09:46. > :09:50.bin, I spent the first six years of my life in it. Did you still have
:09:50. > :09:55.washing on the lead? Two birds, one stone, fan it is a tuck, in fact
:09:55. > :09:58.put a bird on the lead and the cat can chase it. And in other news,
:09:58. > :10:02.who's the power broker, the kingmaker of parking in this
:10:02. > :10:09.country? Is it NCP No, the one single individual who wields more
:10:09. > :10:18.power over parking in this country than anyone else? Boris Johnson.
:10:18. > :10:24.it's Hugh Dennis, according to Parking Review. That's right.
:10:24. > :10:28.magazine, which was isn't to me anonymously features ten separate
:10:28. > :10:33.photographs of Hugh Dennis on its pages at the moment. Yes, I did the
:10:34. > :10:37.National Parking awards. Who wins a National Parking award?! I did best
:10:37. > :10:41.multistorey, that was in there. Have you not done the National
:10:41. > :10:45.Parking awards? I haven't. I didn't know this was a bonus of it, I'm
:10:45. > :10:51.going to seek out the National Parking Awards. When you say
:10:51. > :10:56.parking, do you mean like in a car, revrsing into a slot -- reversing
:10:56. > :11:01.into a slot? Yes, right, OK. They're the awards and Hugh handed
:11:01. > :11:08.them out? Well, I gave them all tickets, to be honest. The points
:11:08. > :11:18.go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart. Now a round called Pippa Middleton's
:11:18. > :11:18.
:11:19. > :11:22.butt of jokes. This involves Seann, Ava and Andy. I launch the wheel of
:11:22. > :11:27.news and a performer will step forward and talk about the subject.
:11:27. > :11:32.The winners is whoever I think is the funniest. Here we go. The first
:11:33. > :11:38.subject is... Parenting. Who wants to come in on
:11:38. > :11:47.that? Ava? It's quite difficult being a parent. My daughter is 17
:11:47. > :11:50.years old and she's evil and I... She doesn't respect me, I don't
:11:50. > :11:54.know why. An example, came home early one day and found her smoking
:11:54. > :11:59.on the sofa and I went, my God, you don't even have the respect for me
:12:00. > :12:06.to smoke elsewhere and she went "so" and I went "you have to be 18
:12:06. > :12:14.to buy cigarettes, where did you get them from, I'm going to report
:12:14. > :12:20.them" and she's like "17, it's an adult". I say when I was 17, I was
:12:20. > :12:30.at home looking after you and your brother each and every night so I
:12:30. > :12:30.
:12:30. > :12:34.was responsible. And she's very moody as well, worried about her
:12:34. > :12:38.body image. Came home one day, was crying her eyes out and I went,
:12:39. > :12:46.what's the matter and she went, I hate my whole life and I went, why,
:12:46. > :12:55.and she went, because I'm fat. I went, well, yes, you are. So, you
:12:55. > :13:03.could at least have the common decency to be jolly. Thank you,
:13:03. > :13:11.your time is up. OK, let's spin the wheel again. The
:13:11. > :13:15.subject is nightclubs. Who wants to come in on that? Seann. I don't go
:13:15. > :13:18.nightclubing any more. I can't do it. I never got on with bouncers, I
:13:18. > :13:28.mean proper nightclub bouncers, you know the ones, the ones that look
:13:28. > :13:36.like a boiled egg on top of a stuffed bin bag. Sorry, Dara.
:13:36. > :13:41.Sorry! But they ask the stupidest questions. Half one in the morning,
:13:41. > :13:45.I had a traffic cone on my head and he said, excuse me, mate, can you
:13:45. > :13:48.step to the side, have you been drinking? A little bit, of course I
:13:48. > :13:52.have, you idiot, it's a nightclub, it's half one in the morning, what
:13:52. > :13:57.do you think these people are doing, just walking past going, oh, let's
:13:57. > :14:02.have a look what's going on in here. He's not letting me in, I shall
:14:02. > :14:05.become the nicest bloke I can be, please, you have a lovely head, if
:14:05. > :14:12.I knew you were going to be here, I would have brought some bed, we
:14:12. > :14:16.could have had some soldiers. Come on, please, honestly, I'm fine,
:14:16. > :14:23.brrr, don't worry about that, it's just a hiccup with some pizza in it,
:14:23. > :14:33.it's fine. Honestly, I had - understand you have a difficult job,
:14:33. > :14:39.a difficult job, I take my hat off to you. Thank you very much, Seann
:14:39. > :14:45.Walsh. OK, that leaves us with Stewart. Let's see what you've been
:14:45. > :14:55.left with, Stewart. Jobs. Ever since my best friend became a
:14:55. > :14:55.
:14:56. > :15:00.mime I haven't heard from him. Still has my leotard. At first I
:15:00. > :15:10.didn't believe my father stole from his job as a lollipop man, but all
:15:10. > :15:14.
:15:14. > :15:24.I used to be a panto horse but I quit while I was ahead. I work in
:15:24. > :15:27.
:15:27. > :15:29.produce which wasn't exactly rocket I used to sell dining room chairs
:15:29. > :15:37.(under-the-table) I worked in China repairing typewriters, I didn't
:15:37. > :15:47.like the job but met lots of characters. I worked in a sweat
:15:47. > :15:54.
:15:54. > :16:03.shop, it was so so. I started a VD clinic from scratch. My topic is
:16:03. > :16:11.jobs, my work is over. Very good, thank you very much. Thank you to
:16:11. > :16:21.Ava, Andy and Seann. Come back. Our next round is called, if This
:16:21. > :16:29.Is The Answer, What Is The Question, Ava, what would you like? Two years,
:16:29. > :16:35.please. How long does a kid stay cute for? Is it in 1990, how long
:16:35. > :16:45.did it take to download one boob? Is it how long before Prince
:16:45. > :16:45.
:16:45. > :16:50.William goes, is it OK if I sleep with your sister? Is it when your
:16:50. > :16:56.Olympic tickets should arrive? it in fact if George Osborne was
:16:56. > :17:02.attacked by a crocodile, how long would I be laughing for before I
:17:02. > :17:12.called the emergency services? it how does a Welshman say, two
:17:12. > :17:18.ears. Is it how long you should wait after Eric Pickles has been in
:17:18. > :17:23.the toilet. I'd give it two years if I were you, I'd give it two
:17:23. > :17:27.years. Is it how long a cannibal could live off J-Lo's buttocks.
:17:27. > :17:37.it how long would David Blaine have to be dead in a box before anyone
:17:37. > :17:40.
:17:40. > :17:45.noticed? Is it something to do with Greece? Yes. Is it, when will it go
:17:45. > :17:49.so tits up, it may have to come out of the euro? That is right. The
:17:49. > :17:54.question I was looking for is, how long do experts predict it will be
:17:54. > :18:00.before the euro breaks apart. According to some financial experts,
:18:00. > :18:06.debt-ridden Greece may be forced to abandon the euro by 2013, also
:18:06. > :18:10.Ireland and Portugal are posing a threat to the economy. Why is it
:18:10. > :18:16.under threat? Everything is going very badly, isn't it? Yes, that is
:18:16. > :18:20.it, yeah, yeah. Souper insight there, Andy. Do you want a
:18:20. > :18:23.Newsnight booking? Ireland are struggling, aren't they, so much
:18:23. > :18:28.that we are having to bail them out. Apparently, we are borrowing the
:18:28. > :18:34.money at 3% and getting your lot to pay it back at 5%, so essentially
:18:34. > :18:37.we are helping you out, but we are mucking you over at the same time.
:18:37. > :18:43.You actually are making money on the bail out you are doing for us.
:18:43. > :18:50.We are only going to spend it on your Kit Kat anyway. Did Ireland
:18:50. > :18:54.join the eurozone because they thought it was a boy band? This
:18:54. > :19:00.round is about Greece. How did it become about Ireland? Greece is
:19:00. > :19:05.never allowed to fail because it had the largest natural reserve of
:19:05. > :19:10.humous, you cut that pipeline off, the whole Tory party stop having
:19:10. > :19:14.dinner parties. Can't rely on North Sea humous, it's too oily. If the
:19:14. > :19:18.Greeks default, what are we going to do? We can hardly send the
:19:18. > :19:23.bailiffs in, can we. Let's face it, all the stuff that's valuable in
:19:23. > :19:27.the Greek's head, it's already in our British Museum, isn't it?
:19:27. > :19:30.people are saying is, Greece will have to get out of the euro. Is
:19:30. > :19:37.that allowed, can you just do that if you run into financial trouble,
:19:37. > :19:42.you can just get rid of the money you want. If my bank manager says
:19:42. > :19:49.I'm in terrible debt, can I say, sorry, mate I'm out of the pound.
:19:49. > :19:55.If you are watching this on Dave, Greece is a country that used to
:19:55. > :20:03.exist - because these programmes run and run - is now existing in a
:20:03. > :20:07.new south Germany. Who's been busy electing a new leader? The Al-
:20:07. > :20:16.Qaedas. They have elect add new leader, yes. It's a man called
:20:16. > :20:19.Ayman Al-Zawahiri. Yes, Ayman Al- Zawahiri. That bloke, yes. I was
:20:20. > :20:24.afraid to get the proenunciation wrong. Would you send out a press
:20:24. > :20:31.statement going "I've become Head of Al-Qaeda" if I had, I'd keep it
:20:31. > :20:37.quiet, basically. It's like Ayman Al-Zawahiri is delighted to
:20:37. > :20:41.announce he's the Head of Al-Qaeda. Delighted to bring Al-Qaeda through
:20:41. > :20:50.this difficult time. Please ignore the dent in the middle of his
:20:50. > :20:54.head... Also sent off for the one a month classics from Readers Digest.
:20:54. > :20:58.He turned 60 on Sunday, I was reading in the Guardian, but he
:20:58. > :21:03.didn't celebrate. I bet he didn't. Can you think of anything more
:21:03. > :21:11.stressful than an Al-Qaeda birthday party, every time they're opening a
:21:11. > :21:17.package, argh... Again! In the article I read, they said he's a
:21:17. > :21:22.cold joyless man and you thought, that was a surprise, I thought he
:21:22. > :21:26.was a happy-go-lucky wine lover who like add game of hide-and-seek.
:21:26. > :21:29.just really bored with this whole Al-Qaeda thing, it's very
:21:29. > :21:33.exaggerated and motivates Islamophobia and it's pretty
:21:33. > :21:37.disgusting. I was with my friend, a Muslim woman, she wears the hijab,
:21:37. > :21:40.she was telling me she gets harassed in the street. The way
:21:40. > :21:45.people treat Muslims is disgusting. We are standing at the taxi rank,
:21:45. > :21:50.minding our own business, this woman we don't even know just
:21:50. > :21:55.shouts across the road, oi you and she runs over and points in my
:21:55. > :21:59.friend's face and she goes, you, you say sorry for 9/11 now, say
:21:59. > :22:09.sorry for 9/11 now and I was so shocked, I just looked at my friend
:22:09. > :22:10.
:22:11. > :22:15.and I was like, oh, my God, was that you?! Which figure has taken
:22:15. > :22:20.to tweeting in the last week? Barack Obama has taken to tweeting.
:22:20. > :22:28.He apparently has the third most followers in the world after Lady
:22:28. > :22:37.Gaga and Justin Bieber which is why the world must end! I mean, I know
:22:37. > :22:40.Justin Bieber is 16, but it seems strange there are eight-year-old
:22:40. > :22:43.kids lusting after him. He is singing about love to people who
:22:43. > :22:47.can't possibly know anything about love. It would be like having a 16-
:22:47. > :22:52.year-old lusting after a 32-year- old as he sung about dentures,
:22:52. > :22:59.retirement and surgical stockings. That would be creepy and, by the
:22:59. > :23:04.way, Justin Bieber is 17 and a half. On Twitter, we mentioned last week
:23:04. > :23:07.- I'm on Twitter, as a lot of people here are - we mentioned
:23:07. > :23:11.about the examine Virgin lator's game where they would entertain
:23:11. > :23:15.themselves by standing, you know, I'll stand next to the ugliest
:23:15. > :23:17.person in the room and just stand like that and go like that. I
:23:18. > :23:22.forgot when telling that story that we were right in the middle of
:23:22. > :23:27.state exams in both the UK and Ireland and I received hundreds of
:23:27. > :23:33.Tweets of people going, I was in the middle of my exam today and the
:23:33. > :23:42.bloke just stood beside me. It was really upsetting. Then hundreds of
:23:42. > :23:46.other Tweets of invigilators going, oh, no, no, no, we play Pac-Man.
:23:47. > :23:54.They were playing Pac-Man and someone chased him. At the end of
:23:54. > :23:58.the roin, the points go to Ava, Andy and Seann. -- round. We come
:23:58. > :24:02.to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone can make their way over to
:24:02. > :24:06.the performance areas, please. I'll read out the topics, then we'll see
:24:06. > :24:12.what the panellists come up with. The first subject is unlikely lines
:24:12. > :24:22.from a superhero film. Worry not, procrastination man is here. Where
:24:22. > :24:23.
:24:24. > :24:33.is everybody? What's with all the Cat woman, what did I tell you
:24:33. > :24:39.about not shitting in next door's garden?! I am Big Society man. Do
:24:40. > :24:48.it for you, but I would much rather you did it for yourself. Prepare to
:24:48. > :24:56.meet a new breed of sex change superhero in the X-Men. Yes, I do
:24:56. > :25:06.believe a man can fly, but only if he's carrying under 100m will. --
:25:06. > :25:10.
:25:10. > :25:20.ml. I am parking review man. Where's my cheque. Wow, Iron Man,
:25:20. > :25:28.
:25:28. > :25:33.how did you get all the creases Just call the police. Is it a bird,
:25:33. > :25:41.is it a plane, well if you don't know that, what the hell are you
:25:41. > :25:51.doing in air traffic control? use is a spider's web against me,
:25:51. > :25:54.
:25:54. > :26:04.duster man and Hoover boy? Hello! I'm Batman Begins. I'm sexist,
:26:04. > :26:04.
:26:05. > :26:14.racist and drive like an arsehole, I am white van man! Should I do...
:26:15. > :26:15.
:26:15. > :26:21.What... Should I, this is part of it. Oh, shit. OK, next topic is
:26:21. > :26:31.unlikely things for a continuity announcer to say. And now to upset
:26:31. > :26:39.children everywhere, it's Peppa Pig in pepper sauce. Oh, God, oh, God,
:26:39. > :26:48.oh, Nigella will be back at the same time next week.
:26:48. > :26:57.Unnext, Ryan Giggs appears on Footballers' Wives. Next up on
:26:57. > :27:03.Channel 4 live from Switzerland, it's Come Die With Me. Now for a
:27:03. > :27:09.special episode of Planet Earth where six chimps will watch David
:27:09. > :27:14.Attenborough have sex. And now is the time I have to be extremely
:27:14. > :27:24.careful because the next programme is about Roald Dahl. Genius behind
:27:24. > :27:26.
:27:27. > :27:31.will aye Banker's choc... Bollocks. Next on the hiss History Channel,
:27:31. > :27:36.World War in colour. Look away if you don't want to know how it ends.
:27:36. > :27:46.To clear up confusion for the regular viewers, ITV 2 plus 1 is
:27:46. > :27:47.
:27:47. > :27:54.not the same as ITV 3. First though, there's a serial killer on the
:27:54. > :27:58.loose. In ball moir. -- Balamory. If you have been affected by some
:27:58. > :28:08.of the issues in EastEnders, they must have been acting it better
:28:08. > :28:08.
:28:08. > :28:18.than they usually do. And now, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares
:28:18. > :28:23.
:28:23. > :28:29.You are watching the Dignitas channel. For God's sake, don't
:28:29. > :28:38.press the red button. Next up, it's Bargain Hunt, which is also rhyming
:28:38. > :28:46.slang for the bloke who presented it. Rights now, Kate Humble is in
:28:46. > :28:51.the lambing shd. -- shed. Ohhhhh... At the end of that round, the
:28:51. > :28:58.points go to, Chris, Hugh and Stewart.
:28:58. > :29:04.That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Chris, Addison,