:00:03. > :00:08.language. language.
:00:08. > :00:18.This programme contains some strong language.
:00:18. > :00:39.
:00:39. > :00:43.Hello and welcome to Mock the Hello and welcome to Mock the
:00:43. > :00:46.Week, I'm Dara O Briain, joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe
:00:46. > :00:56.Lyons and Micky Flanagan, Alun Cochrane, Hugh Dennis and Milton
:00:56. > :00:56.
:00:56. > :01:00.Jones. We start with a round called
:01:00. > :01:07.Headliners, here's a picture Education Secretary Michael Gove
:01:07. > :01:11.engaged in important work, but what does GTOT stand for? Is he in fact
:01:12. > :01:20.making a potion because he thinks he's Harry Potter, government
:01:20. > :01:24.troubles, obliviate totallo? Is it Gaddafi's terrified of this? Is it,
:01:24. > :01:31.they realised what would the photograph, and it's simply:
:01:31. > :01:36.Gove twit on telly. Is it what teachers will be doing on strike,
:01:36. > :01:44.gin and tonic on terrace? Is it to do with the teachers, in fact:
:01:44. > :01:49.great, tennis on telly? Tremendously cynical view of having a strike on
:01:49. > :01:59.women's semi-final day. Has someone asked him about the weekend, and he
:01:59. > :02:01.
:02:01. > :02:11.says: go to Ostrich Town. Where is Ostrich Town? I think we all know.
:02:11. > :02:12.
:02:12. > :02:18.I think I know what it is. Is it Gollum tugs over test tube? Micky,
:02:18. > :02:24.do you want to take a guess? Gove tough on teachers? That's exactly
:02:24. > :02:29.right, well done. Yes, the was looking for was Gove, tough on
:02:29. > :02:34.teachers, this is the news that Michael Gove has called for tougher
:02:34. > :02:38.qualifications for aspiring teachers, barring those who fail
:02:38. > :02:42.tests, he also hit them on the planned walkouts, claiming they
:02:42. > :02:49.a strong moral duty not to strike and to keep schools open.
:02:49. > :02:54.aware of the test as soon as it's bit rich coming from Michael Gove,
:02:54. > :03:02.putting literacy tests, when his whole name sounds like a grammatical
:03:02. > :03:07.error. No, Michael gave. Michael Gave. Try again, gave. I actually
:03:07. > :03:12.trained to be a teacher, for a year, and they say to you, when you sign
:03:12. > :03:17.up, this is a very serious job, don't smile before Easter. It's
:03:17. > :03:23.sign of weakness apparently. So I'm walking down the corridor on my
:03:23. > :03:32.first day's training and a fat kid fell over. I'm on him like a shot,
:03:32. > :03:35.bundle! I didn't pass. Surely the only real test of a teacher is to
:03:35. > :03:45.send them to the Middle East and if they say: I don't care who
:03:45. > :03:46.
:03:46. > :03:52.started it! Have you seen the of the questions? Like add eleven
:03:52. > :03:56.and four. Every year you joke about A level tests, but these are ones
:03:56. > :04:03.for teachers. Can you answer the following multiple choice question
:04:03. > :04:10.that's included in the teacher training test: is the correct word
:04:10. > :04:19.mathmatical, mathematical, mathemmatical or mathematicall? That
:04:19. > :04:22.is genuine. Whereas obviously the correct answer should be: ex-boss of
:04:22. > :04:26.Tesco came out and said that teaching standards are not good
:04:26. > :04:31.enough. It's basically a worry, isn't it, if we're not even
:04:31. > :04:37.producing kids who are bright enough to work in Tesco. How hard is it to
:04:37. > :04:42.go beep? But you still get some who aren't any good at it. I was in
:04:42. > :04:47.Tesco recently, this kid couldn't find the barcode on the packet,
:04:47. > :04:55.in the end he just went beep with his own mouth, and chucked it
:04:55. > :05:01.through. If they are going to make it harder for teachers, they should
:05:01. > :05:09.give something back, you should be allowed to knee them again. In the
:05:09. > :05:13.corridor, "Slow down". I wonder you managed to last one whole year!
:05:13. > :05:15.I used to be a teacher, I found marking was a problem, but if you
:05:15. > :05:24.wrap the child in a mattress before you hit
:05:24. > :05:27.even aside from politics, I've lot of friends and family that are
:05:27. > :05:32.teachers, and they're annoying people to know, they break the year
:05:32. > :05:38.up in their way even when you don't do the same job. They'll say, "See
:05:38. > :05:42.you at half term", and you go, I'm 36, I don't know when that is any
:05:42. > :05:48.more, give me a number and then the name of one of the 12 months, that's
:05:48. > :05:54.the system I like to work with. had a teacher in school, he was
:05:54. > :05:58.African, his mode of punishing you, he would make you hold out your
:05:58. > :06:04.fingertips. (African accent) out your fingertips. No tension in
:06:04. > :06:12.the room now, is there? Get it. Was that your racial
:06:12. > :06:17.impersonation or his racist impersonation? That's how he
:06:17. > :06:27.talked. He would whack our fingertips with a ruler. He was from
:06:27. > :06:33.Newcastle. You see? Grownupses, they know a good African accent when they
:06:33. > :06:43.hear one. Enough with the accent. Once in the context of the story was
:06:43. > :06:45.
:06:45. > :06:50.fine. Once you start doing Nigerian, you can't stop. Why has strike
:06:50. > :06:54.action been taken? It's to do with pensions. Apparently 1 in 5 people
:06:54. > :06:59.alive today are going to live to 100, that's how bad this situation
:06:59. > :07:05.is. I'm not happy about that at all. I'm in my late 30s and I
:07:05. > :07:11.fart when I cough, so I'm not happy about that. I'm grateful you've not
:07:11. > :07:15.got a tickly throat at the moment. They reckon there are 10 million
:07:15. > :07:20.people alive today who will actually live to be 100. Britain is going to
:07:20. > :07:25.be a very different place, people going, you're old, "I'm not old, I'm
:07:25. > :07:34.80 years old. If you excuse me, have to get up at 6am to do my paper
:07:34. > :07:39.round, I've got a student loan to pay off". Who is Gove calling upon
:07:39. > :07:43.to halt strike disruptions? Mums, he wants mums to go into schools.
:07:43. > :07:48.Can you imagine? If mums went schools en masse, all the kids
:07:48. > :07:54.go on strike, wouldn't they? There's already a lot of mums in
:07:54. > :07:58.schools, they're the pupils. There would be a lot of kids looking after
:07:58. > :08:03.other kids, it won't work as a policy at all. There was a call
:08:03. > :08:09.from Mary Bousted of the of Teachers and Lecturers who
:08:09. > :08:09.warned: what
:08:09. > :08:09.warned: what have
:08:09. > :08:11.warned: what have we
:08:11. > :08:14.warned: what have we not been told about
:08:14. > :08:19.classrooms? Mums might press the button that makes the spikes
:08:19. > :08:23.out of the floor. What are going to do? Everyone, eat chalk
:08:23. > :08:27.now! Do you think it could be dangerous for the mums? Kids give
:08:27. > :08:31.supply teachers a hard enough time, imagine a supply parent. Headmaster
:08:31. > :08:38.comes along to check how the and crafts lesson is going, and sees
:08:38. > :08:44.the kids have built a small wicker man and are dancing round the
:08:44. > :08:49.outside going "burn the scab". How insane in one day can it go?
:08:49. > :08:55.could go very insane. School ties around their neck. It would
:08:55. > :08:59.of the Flies all over again, but with mum. Why not just schools?
:08:59. > :09:08.Lots of parts of the public service are on strike. Why not mums
:09:08. > :09:15.driving tests? Or tube trains? I'd love to see mums on customs. "mm,
:09:15. > :09:23.that's a lot of cocaine up your arse". At the end of that round, the
:09:23. > :09:29.points go to Mann! * * * - go to Micky, Zoe and Andy. Now a
:09:29. > :09:32.called Novak Joke-o-vic. This involves Milton, Zoe and Alun, so
:09:32. > :09:35.make your way to the performance area, I launch the wheel of news and
:09:35. > :09:40.wherever it stops, one of our performers must step forward
:09:40. > :09:48.talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
:09:48. > :09:53.First it is: alternative lifestyles. Zoe. Alternative lifestyles.
:09:53. > :09:59.friend of mine actually recently bought me a book on Feng Shui, I was
:09:59. > :10:05.like, Feng Shui my arse. And by that, I don't mean move it further
:10:05. > :10:10.up my back to make my shoulders look better. I know people do yoga for
:10:10. > :10:14.balance, but Iqbal my own body beautiful - I can balance my own
:10:14. > :10:17.body beautifully with a pint and a pie, and I take an all or nothing
:10:17. > :10:23.approach to alternative medicine. Would you use it in an
:10:23. > :10:29.that's the test. Do you see many herbalist ambulances, that's what
:10:29. > :10:34.I'm asking. I've sawn my arm off. Have you? You should wave some sage
:10:34. > :10:41.over it. But I even think vegetarians shouldn't be allowed to
:10:41. > :10:45.squash their vegetarian food into meat based products, like burgers
:10:45. > :10:54.and bangers. You made your choice, if you don't want the meat, you
:10:54. > :11:01.can't have the shapes. Okay, let's spin the wheel again. The subject is
:11:01. > :11:07.fatherhood. I'm a dad, and I can tell you already, that child needs
:11:07. > :11:13.discipline. I'm a dad, I like a dad, it's good fun, but I love
:11:13. > :11:17.mums as well, I'm a big fan of mums, my mum's one, and my wife's one, and
:11:17. > :11:21.lots of my friends are mums, and for a whole night quite recently, I
:11:21. > :11:25.thought I might be a mum. I'm not, I'm a dad, but here's what happened.
:11:25. > :11:31.My wife went out for some with some other mums, and I stayed
:11:31. > :11:36.in and had a really nice bath and glass of wine. Yes, I had a mum's
:11:36. > :11:41.night in, brilliant night in as well, mums, I can totally see why it
:11:41. > :11:45.caught on amongst the mum community, much better than being out in a pub
:11:45. > :11:50.talking to idiots about nothing, really enjoyed it. I got out of the
:11:50. > :11:56.bath and twisted the towel round. I got up the next day and bought
:11:56. > :12:01.little Citroen Xsara Picasso. But I know I sound like a cliche'd dad
:12:01. > :12:04.when I say this, but genuinely, our little boy is properly gorgeous.
:12:04. > :12:08.He's blonde, blue eyed and really good natured and sometimes I'm
:12:09. > :12:13.walking him round to the park, holding his little hand, and I'll
:12:13. > :12:17.swept away by how beautiful he is, and I catch myself thinking, oh my
:12:18. > :12:27.God, you are so gorgeous, if anything happens to your mum, and
:12:28. > :12:31.
:12:31. > :12:36.she dies, we are going to look so attractive. Well done Alun. Okay,
:12:36. > :12:46.which leaving us with Milton, let's see what topic we have.
:12:46. > :12:48.
:12:48. > :12:57.Entertainment. I was watching blue Peter the other day. He was a
:12:57. > :13:03.neighbour with really bad circulation. I said to him, Peter,
:13:03. > :13:08.why don't you get a pacemaker? He said I can't even run, let alone
:13:08. > :13:15.keep up with someone. I was watching TV the other day, and I flipped over
:13:15. > :13:17.and all I could see were the brown cushions on my sofa really close up.
:13:17. > :13:21.You have to be careful watching television, you think to yourself,
:13:21. > :13:30.that bloke's better looking than me, a better car than me, and he's got
:13:30. > :13:40.cat called Jess. My favourite film is the French film AND. I think it
:13:40. > :13:42.
:13:42. > :13:46.was released over here as ET. You have to admire people who go into
:13:46. > :13:55.the performing arts, they have to do exercises every single day for their
:13:56. > :14:02.future careers. Bub bub bub bub bub. E-e-e-e-. Big issue! That's all from
:14:02. > :14:08.me, thank you. That was Milton Jones. The points at the end of
:14:08. > :14:12.to Alun, Hugh and Milton. Our next round is called: if this is
:14:12. > :14:18.the answer, what is the question? the board are six categories. Alun,
:14:18. > :14:23.which category? Sport please. answer is: 15 minutes. What is the
:14:23. > :14:32.question? Is it how long is it this episode will the average viewer
:14:32. > :14:38.of Mock the Week realise I'm not guy off the BT adverts? When will
:14:38. > :14:46.Greece run out of money? How long my grandmother's ashes lasted when
:14:46. > :14:52.stored next to the chocolate milk powder? Since birth, how long has
:14:52. > :14:58.Boris Johnson spent on his appearance? In fact, how long does
:14:58. > :15:01.the average British women's Wimbledon fortnight last? Is it the
:15:01. > :15:06.longest anyone should be allowed to tell you about their gap year
:15:07. > :15:16.travels at any one time? How long does it take to write the Daily
:15:17. > :15:22.
:15:22. > :15:30.Star? The gap between this have to hold Jedward's head under
:15:30. > :15:36.water just to make sure? There are actually two people in Jedward. It's
:15:37. > :15:41.not like if you kill one, the other dies through some sort of alien
:15:41. > :15:48.symbiosis. When he is out in the open, what is the life expectancy of
:15:48. > :15:58.Colonel Gaddafi? What's the correct answer? What's a quarter of an
:15:58. > :16:00.
:16:00. > :16:03.hour? Yes! Points over here, Dara. That is the big news story,
:16:03. > :16:07.scientists have discovered that quarter of an hour is in fact 15
:16:07. > :16:17.minutes. If you have been driving for 23 hours and 45 minutes,
:16:17. > :16:21.would you be from Tulsa? Is it in fact how quickly did a lot of the
:16:21. > :16:28.Olympic sports sell out when they were put back on sale? Very good,
:16:28. > :16:31.well done Andy. Yes, the question I was looking for was: how long did it
:16:31. > :16:34.take for the second round of Olympic tickets to sell out for the big
:16:34. > :16:41.events, this is the news that the second wave of Olympic tickets went
:16:41. > :16:47.on sale at 6am on Friday, by Friday evening 18 of the sports were sold
:16:47. > :16:52.out, by Friday evening boxing and weight lifting were sold out. There
:16:52. > :16:57.has been a lot of hoo ha regarding the sales, I got a great e-mail the
:16:57. > :17:02.other day, I applied for some tickets, and apparently I'm now
:17:02. > :17:08.being ridden in the dressage event, so I'm happy. The ticket debacle,
:17:08. > :17:12.you've managed to sell out the Olympics a year in advance and it's
:17:12. > :17:17.the worst thing that's happened in this country, it was a disgrace
:17:17. > :17:23.way the tickets were so popular. woman on the TV going: the tickets
:17:23. > :17:29.have turned people into haves have nots. I don't want to get
:17:29. > :17:34.Bertrand Russell on your arse, but by definition, you're either a have
:17:34. > :17:40.or have nots. 3D telly, kids, chlamydia, everything is a have and
:17:40. > :17:45.have not. And just for the record: have, have not, have not. But it was
:17:45. > :17:50.a lottery, a randomly assigned computer draw, people were getting
:17:50. > :17:55.angry, how dare us - the poor computer picked these things,
:17:55. > :17:59."Computer didn't want to make people sad, computer picked tickets
:17:59. > :18:05.randomly, computer like all sports, computer sorry he made people
:18:05. > :18:15.unhappy. No, computer not like diving, diving bad for computer. Why
:18:15. > :18:16.
:18:16. > :18:22.computer talk like Hulk?" It's confusing though. I saw a headline:
:18:22. > :18:27.2012 ticket hopefuls disappointed, and I thought, that's not that many.
:18:27. > :18:32.Boris Johnson wants everybody to go on public transport. If you've spent
:18:32. > :18:36.725 quid for the 100m finals for event that lasts 10 seconds, are you
:18:36. > :18:46.going to risk going on public transport, you are 12 seconds late,
:18:46. > :18:47.
:18:47. > :18:52.you're already watching the lap of honour. I saw a bloke on the telly
:18:52. > :19:01.who summed up the Olympics from the east end, he went: I've been against
:19:01. > :19:09.these games from day one, I tell you why, for that whole month, I ain't
:19:09. > :19:13.going to be able to get out of my turning. The what? The turning! He
:19:13. > :19:19.lives in a turning. Get out of the turning, and go in the turning.
:19:19. > :19:24.was genuinely thinking, what's a churny? What worries me most,
:19:25. > :19:29.you're sitting in the stadium, you're going to get berated by those
:19:29. > :19:35.two ridiculous mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville. They sound like two gay
:19:35. > :19:40.antique dealers. But one of them, brilliantly, incorporated into his
:19:40. > :19:45.uniform, his costume, he's got orange light to denote the iconic
:19:45. > :19:50.status of the London cab. Like London cab byes absolutely embody
:19:50. > :19:56.the Olympic spirit. "I tell what's wrong with London, too many
:19:56. > :20:06.foreigners". I can't get out of the turning. The turning will the
:20:06. > :20:07.
:20:07. > :20:12.blocked up. Have you been studying Popeye? In other news, who was
:20:12. > :20:17.covered in mud last weekend? Anybody at Glastonbury. Glastonbury
:20:17. > :20:27.is always criticised, every year they say it is very muddy, and it's
:20:27. > :20:27.
:20:27. > :20:32.too middle class. It's like War One sponsored by John Lewis. A
:20:32. > :20:36.tricky dilemma now, for middle class people, do you go to Glastonbury
:20:37. > :20:42.do you go to Wimbledon? And they're obviously very similar things now,
:20:42. > :20:48.because both of them feature of Brits who are out of it on day
:20:48. > :20:53.one. I saw U2 on there, and they were terrible. They put me off of
:20:53. > :21:03.going to concerts forever, I went to see them at Wembley. Bono kept
:21:03. > :21:04.
:21:04. > :21:11.saying, "Come on, join in, you know this one". "the many voices of Micky
:21:11. > :21:16.Flanagan". He went (Irish come on, you know this one, don't
:21:16. > :21:21.you. I'm thinking, I paid 25 quid to get in here, you're getting
:21:21. > :21:26.quarter of a million pounds, you sing the song. I have a new found
:21:26. > :21:30.sympathy for the people of Nigeria now. This is true, I was 16 when I
:21:30. > :21:36.first went to Glastonbury, we thought we would do the whole thing,
:21:36. > :21:42."Let's try and buy some wacky baccy", we bought an Oxo cube, we
:21:42. > :21:48.smoked it anyway, sod it, let's a go. Quite nice, beefy. Did anyone
:21:48. > :21:56.go? I'd rather eat my own poo. You possibly would have done if
:21:56. > :22:00.gone to Glastonbury. The idea of spending - my mate said he looked
:22:00. > :22:04.down into the toilet trench there laying in the poo was the
:22:05. > :22:13.thickest pair of glasses he had ever seen in his life. Someone had gone
:22:13. > :22:16.to Glastonbury and gone - oh cyst. - oh Christ. Is that Bono up there?
:22:16. > :22:22.(Irish accent) yes, it is, you know this one. Have you found
:22:22. > :22:27.you're looking for? You go to this, don't you? Yes, I missed out this
:22:27. > :22:32.year, but I believe you and I have both been. Yes, one 24-hour period
:22:32. > :22:37.when I went to Glastonbury. Every year I celebrate it, I sit at home
:22:37. > :22:42.and watch it on the telly, that I am not knee deep in mud, waiting for
:22:42. > :22:50.the Dandy Warhols to play their one hit. And making the best of it.
:22:50. > :22:54.na, na, na. Oh, that's that then. don't think that was the Dandy
:22:54. > :22:58.Warhols. I think you're trying to do Chelsea dagger there. That's the
:22:58. > :23:03.Fratellis. That's why you didn't enjoy it. He was there watching the
:23:03. > :23:09.Dandy Warhols going, "I don't know any of these". In front of them
:23:09. > :23:17.going na, na, na, na. Play that one, play that one. Any requests? Yes,
:23:17. > :23:22.the one that goes na, na, na, na. "we're the wrong band, you idiot".
:23:22. > :23:25.Michael Eavis said it was too middle class, and he blamed Kate Moss. She
:23:25. > :23:34.smokes 80 a day, drinks vodka the bottle and comes from Croydon.
:23:34. > :23:41.If she's middle class, Jordan is aristocracy. The points go to Micky,
:23:41. > :23:45.Zoe and Andy. Now we come We'd Like to See, so if everyone can
:23:45. > :23:49.make their way over performance area, I'll read out the
:23:49. > :23:58.topics and then we'll see what the panellists can come up with. The
:23:58. > :24:00.first subject tonight is: Dear Deidre, I have recently become
:24:01. > :24:10.obsessed with a woman and begun stalking her. Look out of the
:24:10. > :24:13.window. My partner won't give me oral sex. Which is really annoying,
:24:13. > :24:23.because that's the only reason I formed the coalition with him in the
:24:23. > :24:26.
:24:26. > :24:36.first place. My wife says I feel anything. Which is a problem,
:24:36. > :24:37.
:24:38. > :24:42.and there was something else. Oh yes, I'm on fire. I'm 26, my
:24:42. > :24:52.girlfriend is 36, is ten years too big an age gap? Because her
:24:52. > :25:02.daughter's 16, she's a right little sort. I have recently met a woman
:25:02. > :25:05.
:25:05. > :25:15.who makes me feel young again. She's 167. Dear Deidre, I am from
:25:15. > :25:20.I am fed up of Micky Flanagan mocking my accent! Dear Auntie, I'm
:25:20. > :25:30.a very nervous person, and sudden noises really startle me, even if I
:25:30. > :25:30.
:25:30. > :25:34.hear a buzzer, a bit of wee comes out. (buzz) my mates are all getting
:25:34. > :25:43.into drugs, but I don't know what to do. Should I charge them mates'
:25:43. > :25:53.rates, or just normal prices? Dear Deidre, I am a control freak.
:25:53. > :26:03.should I do? I'll tell you what I should do. I am 96, but I'm
:26:03. > :26:04.
:26:04. > :26:12.convinced that young women fancy me. Do I have penile dementia?
:26:12. > :26:20.I've been wanting to come and see you for a long time, but I can't get
:26:20. > :26:26.out of the turning! I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.
:26:26. > :26:32.Could you tell us, please, how to get out of position 43 of the kama
:26:32. > :26:42.sutra? I work in the public sector, and I'm really, really really,
:26:42. > :26:43.
:26:43. > :26:48.really worried about my pension! Okay, the next topic is:
:26:48. > :26:55.Well, at two sets down, let's see what he's got in his locker. He's
:26:55. > :27:03.not going to be there for about 20 minutes, I've got a crowbar. Serena
:27:03. > :27:13.Williams has been seeded. You've to admire the bravery of that bloke.
:27:13. > :27:15.
:27:15. > :27:18.Hello, I'm Sue Barker. You may remember my father, Chewbacca. Well,
:27:18. > :27:22.they say that the All England Club is a bit behind the times, and
:27:22. > :27:32.that's why this small boy has just had his hand chopped off for
:27:32. > :27:42.stealing a strawberry. I am a tennis umpire, and gay. And it wasn't easy
:27:42. > :27:43.
:27:43. > :27:53.to come: OUT! What a fantastic slice, but I do think
:27:53. > :28:01.
:28:01. > :28:10.England Club will insist she wears knickers again next year. Lock off
:28:10. > :28:19.Tim! How did the umpire get up there? I think he must have used
:28:19. > :28:24.sepp latter. This year, the British players play a lot better, if we
:28:24. > :28:29.look at this graph, we see huge biceps, and an angry - sorry,
:28:29. > :28:39.Steffi, wrong graph. And for any of our Scottish viewers, what you
:28:39. > :28:40.
:28:40. > :28:44.see there in that glass of Pimms is fruit. And while we're here, Andy
:28:44. > :28:48.Murray not being able to make it here today, but we have his cab
:28:48. > :28:58.driver on the other line, tell us what's occurred? "I can't
:28:58. > :28:58.
:28:58. > :29:04.get out of the turning!" And the mound has taken a real
:29:04. > :29:08.mound has taken a real pounding in the last fortnight. But I think
:29:08. > :29:14.All England Club are fine with it, as long as it doesn't affect her
:29:15. > :29:20.tennis. At the end of that round, the points go to Andy, Hugh and
:29:21. > :29:25.Milton. And that is the end of the show,
:29:25. > :29:31.this week's winners are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Micky
:29:31. > :29:38.Flanagan. Commiserations to Alun Cochrane, Hugh Dennis and Milton