:00:44. > :00:51.This programme contains strong Hello and welcome to Mock The Week,
:00:51. > :00:58.I'm Dara O'Briain, joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and
:00:58. > :01:04.Micky Flanagan, Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Jack Whitehall.
:01:04. > :01:06.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Headliners now. A picture of the
:01:06. > :01:12.Communities and Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles with his
:01:13. > :01:21.boss, but what does PIBC stand for? Is it his list of priorities? Is it
:01:21. > :01:30.pies, ice-cream, burgers, communities? Perhaps pressure
:01:30. > :01:32.intense belt collapsing. Or pickles increases to bigger cup size.
:01:33. > :01:39.pelican impersonation bemuses Cameron? Is it what happens when
:01:39. > :01:49.one of them goes back to the Stone Age and starts investigating crime
:01:49. > :01:58.
:01:58. > :02:03.in PIBC!? Is it just simply pig What if I wrecked your world and
:02:03. > :02:11.said it's nothing to do with his waist? Are you trying to tell me
:02:11. > :02:21.it's not politician impersonates bouncy castle? Please, I'm
:02:21. > :02:24.begging,... Chocolate. Is it pickles in benefits
:02:24. > :02:32.controversy possibly? My lord, absolutely right. Thank you very
:02:32. > :02:37.much, Hugh, well done. Yes, the answer was Pickles in benefits
:02:37. > :02:41.controversy, the news that a letter leaked to the Observer Eric Pickles
:02:41. > :02:46.eefs office warned the Government planned changing to welfares could
:02:46. > :02:50.make up to 40,000 families homeless, 20,000 due to the proposed �500 a
:02:50. > :02:54.week cap on benefits. It's difficult to take the man seriously.
:02:54. > :03:04.Let's face it, Mr Pickles is not the game of a Government minister,
:03:04. > :03:06.
:03:06. > :03:10.it's the name of a cat! Do you want to make people homeless, oh, Mr
:03:10. > :03:13.Pickles! And thank you for the mouse, Mr Pickles, that's the best
:03:13. > :03:17.gift we've ever had. The fact is that he warned the Government there
:03:17. > :03:22.would be 40,000 more homeless and nobody did anything about it
:03:22. > :03:25.because presumably in the worst case scenario they are thinking
:03:25. > :03:29.they could hollow out Eric Pickles and 40,000 people could live in
:03:29. > :03:32.there. 40,000 people, the population of Swindon will be left
:03:32. > :03:37.without their houses and I thought well, that doesn't sound that bad,
:03:37. > :03:43.Swindon's a shit hole. Have you ever been to Swindon? Yes, went to
:03:43. > :03:50.school near there, obviously not in Swindon. Marlborough is very
:03:50. > :03:55.different from Swindon! It's that far apart geographically,
:03:55. > :03:59.culturally 4,000 miles. The school you went to probably has more in
:03:59. > :04:04.common with Hogwarts than Swindon. The Conservative minister it
:04:04. > :04:13.wouldn't make people homeless, he said it might lead to individual
:04:13. > :04:18.cases of housing mobility. Conniving tosspot he is. It was six
:04:18. > :04:23.weeks ago the letter was sent, the e-mail. It was in January. It was
:04:23. > :04:27.clever because my theory was that Cameron was trying to push through
:04:27. > :04:32.the screw you policies while the Royal Wedding was going on for
:04:32. > :04:38.distraction, it was like, enjoy yourselves because you'll be
:04:38. > :04:48.sleeping on the streets soon, the price of petrol's goingen up, look
:04:48. > :04:52.at Pippa Middleton's arse, shhh. There's very few people that...
:04:52. > :04:56.Shameless did a Royal Wedding special. I saw a benefit cheat
:04:56. > :04:59.recently, went to Glee Live at the 0 2 and that one through the
:04:59. > :05:08.wheelchair got up and danced, it was like a dream sequence and I
:05:08. > :05:12.thought, you can't do that! other news... Is there other news?
:05:12. > :05:16.Amazingly there is. What has Iain Duncan Smith been calling for this
:05:16. > :05:19.week? He's said, Iain Duncan Smith has called on British bosses to
:05:19. > :05:23.employ more British people. The British bosses have said that they
:05:23. > :05:26.can't do that because foreign workers work much more efficiently
:05:26. > :05:32.than the British who've lost their work ethic and that's as much as
:05:32. > :05:38.I'm going to say unless I'm on double time. And I get another tea
:05:38. > :05:42.break. Well, as a foreigner I'll pick up the slack then, won't I?!
:05:42. > :05:46.Ed? I have a very left-wing and liberal attitude to immigration.
:05:46. > :05:52.The only thing that comes into it though is that you go, welcome them,
:05:52. > :06:00.let them come in, then you get refused entry into a nightclub by a
:06:00. > :06:06.bouncer from Lithuania, then your attitude towards immigration turns
:06:06. > :06:13.sideways. Every bouncer is from Eastern Europe and the bouncers,
:06:13. > :06:17.the hard-working conscientious don't watch Mock The Week, right!
:06:17. > :06:25.Then you hate yourself for the stuff you come out, lefty liberal
:06:25. > :06:30.going, what co-do you mean you won't let me in, we let you in!
:06:30. > :06:36.I read an article saying a lot of Russian women get inside this
:06:36. > :06:40.country inside a lot of other Russian women. Eastern Europeans,
:06:40. > :06:46.they are very keen to work, aren't they? As an example, right, there
:06:46. > :06:49.was a Serbian and a Czech able to win the Wimbledon Championship in
:06:49. > :06:59.two weeks, whereas a British person with the same qualifications has
:06:59. > :07:02.
:07:02. > :07:06.been unable to do it for 75 years! You don't mind having efficient
:07:06. > :07:16.cherry pickers, but you don't want an Eastern European traffic warden,
:07:16. > :07:21.
:07:21. > :07:31.do you.? 500 tickets this morning, I need to drink something... What
:07:31. > :07:33.
:07:33. > :07:42.about when they go "ah, ah, ah, ah...". No parking ticket, no
:07:42. > :07:48.parking in this area. Is that Dracula or Bob Dylan?! You cannot
:07:48. > :07:57.park here! Presumably the traffic warden goes
:07:57. > :08:04."and why are you parked here?" and the driver goes "I couldn't get in".
:08:04. > :08:14.OK. Fast becoming... We are lazy as a nation. As I speak, my shoes are
:08:14. > :08:16.
:08:16. > :08:19.on fire. Which wrish sportsman had a bad week? David Haye -- British
:08:19. > :08:25.sportsman. He was sad because he came away with a broken toe and
:08:25. > :08:31.loads of bruises. Most British blokes going to Hamburg for the
:08:31. > :08:36.weekend come away with an STI. weird, he came as a baked potato
:08:37. > :08:40.and I didn't know it was fancy dress. He didn't come as a boxer.
:08:40. > :08:46.picked on him once at a comedy club, he was in the front row, I looked
:08:46. > :08:51.at him in the front row and I went "what do you do?" and he went "I'm
:08:52. > :08:56.a boxer" and I went "practise this expression "you can't come in, you
:08:56. > :09:03.are wearing trainers, you are going to need it one day" and he looked
:09:03. > :09:10.at me and I went "I'll move on". They have to do some stupid carry
:09:10. > :09:18.on, they have a little bag and they punch it. Is that in case you get
:09:18. > :09:23.attacked or someone ties you upside down. They get each other riled up.
:09:23. > :09:33.Don't get him annoyed because he's about to go into the ring and punch
:09:33. > :09:33.
:09:33. > :09:38.you. I'd spend the pre-stuff being nice going, after the fight, let's
:09:38. > :09:45.get a pizza and watch You've Got Mail. You've never seen boxing have
:09:45. > :09:51.you?! That one? That one, yes. and get me. I thought of Strictly
:09:51. > :09:57.Come Dancing there. It's the pinser shit, oh that shift is good,
:09:57. > :10:03.defensive, not getting me! I've never been in a fight. No. Do you
:10:03. > :10:08.know, I would have guessed that. Although after this I think I might.
:10:08. > :10:18.Jack, many ways I would describe you, but "Street" is not one of
:10:18. > :10:20.
:10:20. > :10:28.them. The points go to Hugh, Jack and Milton. Now a round called JK
:10:28. > :10:33.Rowling In The Aisles. Andy, Ed and Micky, take to the floor please. We
:10:33. > :10:37.pick a news story and talk about the subject. The winner is whoever
:10:37. > :10:41.is the funniest. The first subject is the Olympics. Who wants to come
:10:41. > :10:45.in on that? Andy Parsons? Now, I don't know how you got on
:10:46. > :10:52.with getting tickets for the Olympics, there are still tickets
:10:52. > :10:56.for the Greco Roman wrestling. Yeah. Woopy doo. There aren't so many
:10:56. > :11:01.Romans in Britain any more are there and those Greeks can't afford
:11:01. > :11:06.the tickets. And we will have forever our first GB football team.
:11:06. > :11:12.Yes, it will be the first time that Ryan Giggs, Ashley Cole and John
:11:12. > :11:17.Terry have got together since the last Miss World contest. If you
:11:17. > :11:22.haven't got any tickets, go and see the Olympic road race cycling,
:11:22. > :11:26.right, it's free, yeah. But it's not the same as proper road cycling.
:11:26. > :11:30.Never in the Olympics to you see something going off into a ditch
:11:30. > :11:33.because there's a lorry turning left and never do you see somebody
:11:33. > :11:37.go over the handle bars because some idiot in his car's opened the
:11:37. > :11:41.door without looking in his side Mir Rory. Never do you see somebody
:11:41. > :11:48.fall off their bike because a car's screamed past and somebody's wound
:11:48. > :11:55.down the window and shouted "boo "! Although that may happen when the
:11:55. > :12:04.Olympics come to Hackney in 2012. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
:12:04. > :12:14.OK. Let's spin the wheel again. The subject is food. Who wants a go at
:12:14. > :12:14.
:12:14. > :12:19.that? Milton? I went for an Italian recently. Well, he was annoying me.
:12:19. > :12:29.Incredible to think isn't it that every single Scotsman started off
:12:29. > :12:34.
:12:34. > :12:40.as a scotch egg. Cold and ginger. I was grilling some tomatoes the
:12:40. > :12:45.other day saying "who are you, where do you come from?". I almost
:12:45. > :12:49.got into the SAS, failed on one question, they said "imagine the
:12:49. > :12:55.scenario, terrorists have taken hostages, they are holding them in
:12:55. > :13:00.an embassy, what are your preferred tactics"? I said "I like the orange
:13:00. > :13:03.ones". I was in the park the other day
:13:03. > :13:11.watching an old man feed the birds. After a while I thought to myself,
:13:11. > :13:16.I wonder how long he's been dead. When the boys in the playground
:13:16. > :13:22.found out that I had a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts, they used
:13:22. > :13:28.to shove me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with
:13:28. > :13:38.a bag of Revels. That's all. Good night!
:13:38. > :13:43.
:13:43. > :13:52.Well done, you. Micky, your topic is culture that you've been left
:13:52. > :13:58.with. Yeah, here we go, all right. Look. Thank you. You're thinking,
:13:58. > :14:04.this man doesn't enjoy culture. Well, you're right, I hate it. No,
:14:04. > :14:08.I am an intellectual, I left school with nothing, went to university
:14:08. > :14:13.though later and got a degree when I was 29. Tough speaking up in a
:14:13. > :14:17.lecture and people were thinking, blimey, the window cleaner's keen.
:14:17. > :14:21.When I got the degree, I thought, that's it, I'll be interested in
:14:21. > :14:24.things now, it's going to be fine so I'll go back to the art
:14:24. > :14:27.galleries again. I don't like art galleries, never quite sure how
:14:27. > :14:32.long you are supposed to look at the pictures for, they should give
:14:32. > :14:39.you a bit of guidance. I can crack on in a gallery, I really can,
:14:39. > :14:45.three or four minutes, "boss, not bad, not bad, messed that up". The
:14:45. > :14:50.wife's crying at a Matisse, "come on, love, there's a Wetherspoons
:14:50. > :14:54.around the corner". But the other thing is, you've got to enjoy
:14:54. > :14:58.looking at other cities actually. Does the City break exist? I went
:14:58. > :15:03.with the wife to Prague the other week afrd after a couple of days
:15:03. > :15:07.she said "are you enjoying yourself?" and I said "yes, just
:15:07. > :15:12.paid �15 quid for two cups of coffee, but at least we've got that
:15:12. > :15:19.bridge to walk over again, eh, cos I've never done that before..." "or
:15:20. > :15:27.maybe we could go to the Castle". Thank you very much. The points
:15:27. > :15:30.after that round go to Andy and Micky.
:15:30. > :15:34.Our next round is called Answer... What Is The Question?. On the board
:15:34. > :15:37.are six categories. Milton which category would you like? Oh, sport,
:15:37. > :15:43.please. Sport is the category, the answer
:15:43. > :15:53.is one. What is the question? in the majority of cases, how many
:15:53. > :15:54.
:15:54. > :16:04.people does it actually take to change a light bulb? Is it, what
:16:04. > :16:04.
:16:04. > :16:09.would I give Keira Knightley? what is Obi Kenobi Kobe's middle
:16:09. > :16:15.name? Is it, if you ask one of the cast members of Geordie Shore to
:16:15. > :16:18.count to ten at what point their head would explode? Is it how many
:16:18. > :16:26.hairs does Wayne Rooney have left on his arse? Is it the average
:16:26. > :16:36.number of times a bag for life is used? Is it how many lives did my
:16:36. > :16:38.
:16:38. > :16:48.cat actually have? Is it what was Adam and Eve's postcode? Is it the
:16:48. > :16:53.
:16:53. > :17:01.number of fathers day cards Prince Is it what is on the back of the
:17:01. > :17:07.Queen's dressing gown? You're going to have to give us more of a clue.
:17:07. > :17:14.What score do you need to get to beat someone that scored nil?
:17:14. > :17:18.the story about Nadal getting beaten by Screech from Saved by the
:17:18. > :17:22.Bell. I think I know what it is, it's not about being world number
:17:22. > :17:26.one. I think it's about Djokovic has only lost one match all year.
:17:26. > :17:30.That's it, very, very good, well done, thank you very much. That's
:17:30. > :17:33.it, yeah. Yes, the question I was looking for
:17:33. > :17:37.was, how many matches has new Wimbledon champion, Novak Djokovic
:17:37. > :17:43.lost this year, in an incredible run of form culminating in his
:17:43. > :17:46.victory in the men's singles final, he's won 48 of the 49 matches he's
:17:46. > :17:51.played. He's this week been named as the world's number one player.
:17:51. > :17:54.Did you watch it? Yes, I hate tennis. Got a real chip on my
:17:54. > :17:58.shoulder about tennis, they never came to our school asking if we
:17:58. > :18:04.wanted to be ballboys. Probably wouldn't have lasted very long to
:18:04. > :18:11.be honest with you. "come on, mate, want me to low tr net a little bit
:18:11. > :18:19.for you?" -- lower the net for you a little bit. Difficult journey to
:18:19. > :18:22.get to Wimbledon actually, Underground, Overground... I get
:18:23. > :18:28.annoyed by the commentary team because Boris Becker, I can take
:18:28. > :18:36.his criticism, he's won it three times, John McEnroe he's won it,
:18:36. > :18:41.but Andrew Castle pipes up going, "he's not going to win" and we were
:18:41. > :18:46.like, you went out once in the third round to a Latvian player who
:18:46. > :18:49.no-one knew. He said he was inspired by Djokovic's victory.
:18:50. > :18:53.That's counterintuitive because that meant that it's just one more
:18:53. > :18:58.person he's unlikely to beat. nice seeing Murray on Centre Court
:18:58. > :19:06.though isn't it, one Scotsman in London with a roof over his head
:19:06. > :19:12.really. The bit of technology I do like is hawk aye Yahoo!. It's great.
:19:12. > :19:21.To me, that sounds like a Native American chief -- Hawk-Eye. When
:19:21. > :19:30.you go "let's ask Hawk-Eye", you expect it to go "that ball out it
:19:30. > :19:34.land like big cloud of dust like buffalo". Is it just me then?!
:19:34. > :19:38.has been revealed this week about Sharapova? Her grunt is apparently
:19:38. > :19:45.louder than the traffic on the M25. Yes. Surely that's just because the
:19:45. > :19:52.traffic is very rarely moving on the M25. Yes, they ran her -- spoke
:19:52. > :19:56.to her about the rant. The noise is like between a freight train and
:19:56. > :20:05.pneumatic drill. It would be good if you could put 50 of them on
:20:05. > :20:15.together in your bedroom really loud. The neighbours will be going
:20:15. > :20:17.
:20:17. > :20:20."Christ, he's a bit near the mark next door", "oh, oh...". When you
:20:20. > :20:29.are with someone who sounds like they're hitting a tennis ball
:20:29. > :20:34.though. A woman asked me my front door number during sex once. Still
:20:34. > :20:41.to this day I don't know why. I was banging away and she went "oh,
:20:41. > :20:47.Michael, what's your front door number?", that's the absolute truth.
:20:47. > :20:51.Was she trying to figure out whether you were in your own
:20:51. > :20:56.garden? Why didn't you take her into the house? I think she was
:20:56. > :21:04.just trying to find out where I lived. Possibly. People shout out
:21:04. > :21:14.strange things during sex. My last girlfriend said tell me I've been a
:21:14. > :21:14.
:21:14. > :21:22.bad girl and I said it and she said why and I said, "you deleted
:21:22. > :21:27.MasterChef from Sky+". What film are we waving goodbye to this week?
:21:27. > :21:31.Harry Potter. When is the premiere? I don't know. You asked the
:21:31. > :21:35.question. The story, I don't know. It must be this week. It's the
:21:35. > :21:40.deathly allows part two, isn't it. Is that right? I've no idea, I
:21:40. > :21:45.don't know. See, you don't know. Why are you asking me? Yes, it is.
:21:45. > :21:50.The audience know more than we do. Neither watched them nor read them,
:21:50. > :21:52.this thing has passed me by. I've read them all, but the Deathly
:21:52. > :21:58.Hallows was in one massive book that stretched from here to here
:21:58. > :22:02.and I read it to my son every night for six-and-a-half years. Is it
:22:02. > :22:06.because towards the end of a writing career JK Rowling was so
:22:06. > :22:11.rich that no-one was going to go, you could probably edit that doin
:22:12. > :22:16."oh, really, here are a million pounds for you to go away".
:22:16. > :22:20.cast are rich as well. Daniel Radcliffe is supposedly now worth
:22:20. > :22:24.�48 million, but unfortunately, it's all in Gringott and now the
:22:24. > :22:29.films are over, he can't get in there any more. I haven't read any
:22:29. > :22:36.of the books, although I watch the films with the subtitles on, so
:22:36. > :22:41.I've technically read them all! There was an interview with Daniel
:22:41. > :22:45.Radcliffe and he was talking about him being teetotal now, he was
:22:45. > :22:49.partying and drinking when he was 18, now he's already given all that
:22:49. > :22:55.up. I asked what advice would you give to yourself as a younger man
:22:55. > :23:00.and he said "don't try to be something you are not" which is a
:23:00. > :23:06.very odd thing for an actor to say. You know, he's not a locking wizard,
:23:06. > :23:12.you know. Daniel radcif has �48 million in the bank apparently, but
:23:12. > :23:17.he's said it's not for fast cars and hookers -- Daniel Radcliffe.
:23:17. > :23:20.But yes, yes it is. What are you going to do with it?! I want to see
:23:20. > :23:24.what the next stage is because they've had them at school. I want
:23:24. > :23:29.to see them at gap year. I want to see Harry Potter doing his UCAS
:23:29. > :23:34.because I know even though he did all that stuff, he still would have
:23:34. > :23:41.got screwed over by UCAS, it's like you defeated the Quidditch, but you
:23:41. > :23:45.didn't do D of E so you can't come to Birmingham Polytechnic. Everyone
:23:45. > :23:48.gets screwed over by it, yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:23:48. > :23:52.There are some people who didn't get into their first choice
:23:52. > :23:58.universities. He's speaking your truth, isn't he? No-one here had a
:23:58. > :24:03.clue what he just said, not a clue. D of E, Duke of Edinburgh awards
:24:03. > :24:08.where you have to be ray sust to someone.
:24:08. > :24:12.-- racist. The points go to Jack, Hugh and
:24:12. > :24:16.Milton. Now, we come to scenes we'd like to
:24:16. > :24:19.see, so if everyone could make their way to the performance area.
:24:19. > :24:23.I'll read out the topics, then we'll see what the panellists can
:24:23. > :24:28.come up with. Here we go, the first subject is...
:24:28. > :24:32.Unlikely questions from this year's exams.
:24:32. > :24:42.Discuss the met physical meaning of the following poem. My friend Billy
:24:42. > :24:48.
:24:48. > :24:57.Would you like this exam to be A, multiple choice, or not...
:24:57. > :25:06.The Bronte sisters, shag married, push off a cliff? Discuss the
:25:06. > :25:11.following - the Nazis got all their ideas from the history channel.
:25:11. > :25:19.Who's the chap in The A-Team who would not go on the aeroplane, was
:25:19. > :25:24.it A, B, or B, A? If a bank loses �60 billion in a six month period,
:25:24. > :25:34.using numbers that you've plucked out of thin air, work out what the
:25:34. > :25:36.
:25:36. > :25:46.Chief Executive's bonus will be? Napoleon. A small man, or a long
:25:46. > :25:50.
:25:50. > :26:00.Quantify N in terms of Q when Q is a positive interchur that directs a
:26:00. > :26:01.
:26:01. > :26:11.parabolic curve. How's your lucky pencil case now, eh, eh, eh?!
:26:11. > :26:11.
:26:11. > :26:18.What's the name of that round thing that they throw in the Olympics?
:26:18. > :26:23.Discus. Poetry. Is it all a bit gay?
:26:23. > :26:33.Draw diagram of the genitalia of the male elephant. Use all 30
:26:33. > :26:33.
:26:33. > :26:40.sheets of paper provided. Biology. Without singing, what is the knee
:26:40. > :26:43.bone connected to? Explain the use of juxtaposition in Macbeth,
:26:43. > :26:50.alternatively, write down everything you know about Macbeth
:26:50. > :26:56.in a blind panic cos you've got no idea what the word "juxtaposition"
:26:56. > :27:06.Drama, question one. What was it that first made you want to become
:27:06. > :27:10.
:27:10. > :27:17.a waiter? What is your PIN number? OK, the next topic is unlikely
:27:17. > :27:24.things to read on a motorway sign? For Middlesbrough, take the exit
:27:24. > :27:33.marked hell and then lose the will to live.
:27:33. > :27:43.Accident, you were one. Love mum and dad. When lights flash, dogging
:27:43. > :27:46.
:27:46. > :27:49.There may be trouble ahead, prepare to face music and dance. You are
:27:49. > :27:55.now 200 metres beyond the junction that your piece of shit satnav is
:27:55. > :28:02.telling you you are approaching now. For those of you lacking for more
:28:02. > :28:12.safety tips, text now. Beware, giant scissors coming towards you
:28:12. > :28:15.
:28:15. > :28:25.Turn on lights in tunnel. They're on the right just above the
:28:25. > :28:29.
:28:29. > :28:39.entrance. Turn off the satnav. Use the force, Luke. The north, where
:28:39. > :28:40.
:28:40. > :28:50.the men are real men and so are If you can taste this sign, it
:28:50. > :28:50.
:28:50. > :28:59.means you've crashed into it. banana skin behind car now, Super
:28:59. > :29:03.Mario and Diddy Kon approaching from rear. There was a young man
:29:03. > :29:13.from Preston who tried to drive to Heston, the sign wouldn't rhyme and
:29:13. > :29:19.he ploughed into the back of a juggernaut. Pick us up a pint of
:29:19. > :29:26.milk teleTel, thanks, Trace. At the end of that round, the points go to
:29:26. > :29:36.Jack, Hugh and Milton. And that's the end of the show.