:00:37. > :00:40.This programme contains some strong Hello and welcome to the last in
:00:40. > :00:43.the current run of Mock The Week where over the last few weeks we
:00:43. > :00:53.have seriously weakened the coalition, massively pressurised
:00:53. > :00:56.
:00:56. > :00:59.the opposition and talked about a load of Sepp Blatter s. Hope you
:01:00. > :01:05.enjoy it. Ed Balls has been implicated because he was
:01:05. > :01:12.supposedly part of the plot to overthrow Gordon Brown... It wasn't
:01:12. > :01:22.Gordon Brown he was trying to overthrow. He loves it... The man...
:01:22. > :01:26.I will take over here. Basically, he's been... That's good... I'll
:01:26. > :01:36.get it right this time. You are explaining it beautifully. How did
:01:36. > :01:38.
:01:38. > :01:45.Ed Balls become implicated? I'll tell you... Well... LAUGHTER
:01:45. > :01:55.Apparently, it was the first words from David Miliband's mouth when he
:01:55. > :01:56.
:01:56. > :02:03.heard he had won the election - Ed - Balls! He's been implicated in
:02:04. > :02:07.the plot to overthrow Tony Blair. He was part of this idea to re-
:02:07. > :02:14.brand Gordon Brown as Project Volvo. Gordon Brown was supposed to be
:02:14. > :02:20.dull and unreliable, or dull and reliable! They did some research,
:02:20. > :02:27.the two parties - Labour found Gordon Brown was likened to a Volvo,
:02:27. > :02:35.a bear or a buffalo and they did some research on David Cameron. He
:02:35. > :02:39.was likened to a spritzer, an alcopop, a BMW or a horse. They
:02:39. > :02:43.wanted to re-brand him because people given these abstract
:02:43. > :02:49.concepts they thought Gordon Brown, they think about beer and whisky
:02:49. > :02:56.and David Cameron as spritzer and alcopops. Who could think that was
:02:56. > :03:04.negative towards Gordon Brown? Hello! LAUGHTER Spritzer drinkers
:03:04. > :03:09.among us! If it was a Campari he would have had my vote. The last
:03:09. > :03:14.time Ed Balls saw the memos he says they were on his desk when he was
:03:14. > :03:17.Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families. What kind of
:03:17. > :03:27.incompetent person leaves incriminating paperwork on a desk...
:03:27. > :03:28.
:03:28. > :03:33.Wait a minute. Frankie's plan to oust Dara! It will never happen.
:03:33. > :03:37.The plan was to try and make him appear more normal. They wanted to
:03:37. > :03:41.hide his exceptional school record and he was fast-tracked through
:03:41. > :03:45.politics because he was really clever and they wanted to hide that
:03:45. > :03:51.fact and make him seem more normal. People wanted to vote for someone
:03:51. > :03:56.who is like them. I want someone who is exceptional. I spent two
:03:56. > :04:03.hours yesterday trying to remember if I had a shower or not! That was
:04:03. > :04:13.true. LAUGHTER Sitting where I am now, I can tell you the answer for
:04:13. > :04:16.today is no! APPLAUSE What's going on here? A piece of toast with
:04:16. > :04:24.Osama Bin Laden on it. They would have found it ten years ago but it
:04:24. > :04:30.was hiding in the toaster. It definitely is him. When somebody
:04:30. > :04:40.tried to eat it he used a pop-tart as a shield. It is proof that Osama
:04:40. > :04:44.Bin Laden is toast. Very good. is Osama in his heyday. If you pull
:04:44. > :04:54.out the crumb tray and pour it into the sink that is more what he looks
:04:54. > :04:55.
:04:55. > :05:02.like. APPLAUSE Jesus must be well pissed off with this. A few weeks
:05:02. > :05:07.ago that would have been Jesus. I'm back again, I'm on toast this time.
:05:07. > :05:13.Toast is unbelievably fickle. Toast chases trends like no other heated
:05:13. > :05:17.bread. It is not the bread, is it? Think about it. It's the toaster
:05:17. > :05:21.that's done that. You put the bread in the toaster, it is the toaster
:05:21. > :05:29.that's cooked his face like Bin Laden so it is the toaster you
:05:29. > :05:36.idiots! Who has been watching Delia Smith? What has been revealed about
:05:36. > :05:43.elephants this week? Elephants are like human beings in that they
:05:43. > :05:48.flirt. They flirt? And everything, elephant chat-up lines. You can
:05:48. > :05:58.phone up and he will send you messages down the phone? Not an
:05:58. > :05:59.
:05:59. > :06:09.elephant... Prr, phph... Elephants are overprotective. It is easy for
:06:09. > :06:12.
:06:12. > :06:22.me to say from my ivory tower. was worth it to get to that joke(!)
:06:22. > :06:22.
:06:22. > :06:25.What has Iain Duncan Smith been called for this week? He has called
:06:25. > :06:29.on British bosses to employ more British people. They said they
:06:29. > :06:34.can't do that because foreign workers much more efficiently and
:06:35. > :06:39.the British has lost their work ethic. That is much as I'm going to
:06:39. > :06:46.say unless I'm on double time. foreigner, I will pick up the slack
:06:46. > :06:50.then, won't I? Ed? I have a very left-wing and liberal attitude to
:06:50. > :06:55.European immigration. The only thing that comes from it, let them
:06:55. > :07:04.come in. Then you get refused entry to a nightclub by a bouncer from
:07:04. > :07:08.Lithuania. It is not just bouncers from Lithuania who turn you away,
:07:08. > :07:17.is it? Every bouncer are from Eastern European. They are hard-
:07:17. > :07:21.working, but they don't watch Mock The Week, right? Then you hate
:07:21. > :07:28.yourself for the stuff you come out for, what do you mean you won't let
:07:28. > :07:38.me in? We let you in! You don't want an Eastern European traffic
:07:38. > :07:40.
:07:41. > :07:50.warden, do you? I give, a, you, the ticket this morning. I found, a,
:07:51. > :07:55.
:07:55. > :08:05.ticket, this morning... What moment does he go ah-ah-ah? You cannot,
:08:05. > :08:07.
:08:07. > :08:13.park, here. No parking in this area. Dracula or Bob Dylan? You cannot
:08:13. > :08:23.park here. APPLAUSE Presumably the traffic warden goes, why are you
:08:23. > :08:24.
:08:24. > :08:30.parked here? The driver goes I couldn't get in to turn it! OK. Our
:08:30. > :08:35.next round is called Newsreel. We ask Hugh to suggest what might be
:08:35. > :08:43.being said. This week's clip features the Royal Family. Oh my
:08:44. > :08:48.God, my arse has gone to sleep. It is a toss up between this and the
:08:48. > :08:56.Vauxhall Astra. What do you think, Liz? Why don't you ask them if they
:08:56. > :09:00.can do a deal? A strange dealership - fancy dress. It's one of the
:09:00. > :09:04.girls from Sheila's Wheels! I want the big one out the front, all
:09:04. > :09:09.leathered up. It is not the first time I have said that. I'm a proper
:09:09. > :09:14.judge. Can you get me a super- injunction? What have you done?
:09:14. > :09:20.Practically everything. Well, as you can see, from the footage from
:09:20. > :09:25.the speed camera, it's a black Daimler. With bullet-proof glass,
:09:25. > :09:31.registration plate HRH1 so if you can decide which of the two of you
:09:31. > :09:35.was driving, it will save a lot of time and trouble. We have also got
:09:35. > :09:41.your husband's hard drive, madam. I thought I got the safeguards on,
:09:41. > :09:47.must have forgotten. Did they find anything on the computer? Well, it
:09:47. > :09:52.was rather sweet. 6,000 images of Pippa Middleton. If you will excuse
:09:52. > :09:59.me, I have to do a bit of moonlighting, shouldn't take a
:09:59. > :10:07.minute. Yes. Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
:10:07. > :10:11.APPLAUSE Can you see what's going on over there? They are trying to
:10:11. > :10:15.fit me up for a crime I never did. Speeding and looking at the
:10:15. > :10:20.posterior of a very attractive young lady, I don't get it. Since
:10:20. > :10:25.when has that been a crime? They can't bang you up for that, can
:10:25. > :10:28.they? Perhaps they can. I've done nothing. If you want to arrest
:10:28. > :10:35.someone for a crime, get Princess Beatrice for that hat she wore at
:10:35. > :10:45.the Royal Wedding. It looked like a mutant curly-wurly with fuzzy felt!
:10:45. > :10:45.
:10:45. > :10:53.Now, so Philip Louis Stavros Mountbatten Windsor you are charged
:10:53. > :11:03.of 365 counts of endangering wildlife and 18 of impersonating a
:11:03. > :11:03.
:11:03. > :11:10.policeman with an Indian accent. How do you plead? Oh piss off.
:11:10. > :11:15.APPLAUSE Well done. Why has strike action been called? This is to do
:11:15. > :11:19.with the pensions. Yes. One in five people alive today are going to
:11:19. > :11:24.live to 100. That is how bad the situation is. One in five people.
:11:24. > :11:29.I'm not happy about that at all. You think I'm in my late 30s and I
:11:29. > :11:34.already fart when I cough so I'm not happy about that. You have not
:11:35. > :11:41.got a tickly throat at the moment. What has been discovered this week
:11:41. > :11:51.about man flu? It exists apparently. In what way? In the way that men
:11:51. > :11:57.
:11:57. > :12:06.get... SHE COUGHS that way! APPLAUSE She is on her period!
:12:06. > :12:13.Never mind. You can clap, she's coughed and I've still got to sit
:12:13. > :12:18.here. Apparently man flu does exist. Women are better at fighting off
:12:18. > :12:24.the viruses because we've got stronger sex hormones. That's
:12:24. > :12:29.official. Stronger immune systems, not sure if that is... Sorry. Must
:12:29. > :12:34.have misred - got confused with my Grazia Magazine. They have got so
:12:34. > :12:40.much more to do - the cooking, the cleaning - they can't be going down
:12:41. > :12:44.with the flu. Who would cook the dinner? Women don't get as many
:12:44. > :12:49.colds as men do because their immune system is much stronger.
:12:49. > :12:57.are just better. They could have written it in one line - women are
:12:57. > :13:00.better. That would have been it. would like to answer this... When
:13:01. > :13:05.you are ill, no-one believes that you are. So there is a whole
:13:05. > :13:15.opportunity for the drugs industry. You need drugs that mike you look
:13:15. > :13:15.
:13:15. > :13:19.iller. Lemsip Max, increases the symptoms of flu. Five years longer?
:13:19. > :13:27.They get to stop work five years earlier. Not for long. She will be
:13:27. > :13:33.lying in the coffin and it will be like, "He ain't really dead. Look
:13:33. > :13:43.at him laying in there, all pasty and dead, it is because I mentioned
:13:43. > :13:48.the garden shed needed mending." LAUGHTER Who is the real
:13:48. > :13:52.powerbroker in parking in this country? Is it NCP? No. Who is the
:13:52. > :13:59.one single individual who wields more power over parking than anyone
:13:59. > :14:09.else? Boris Johnson. No. It is according to Parking Review, it is
:14:09. > :14:14.
:14:14. > :14:20.Hugh Dennis. APPLAUSE It features ten separate photographs of Hugh
:14:20. > :14:26.Dennis. I did the National Parking Awards. Who wins a National Parking
:14:26. > :14:30.Award? They did best multi-storey. Have you not done the National
:14:30. > :14:35.Parking Awards? No. I'm going to seek out the National Parking
:14:35. > :14:41.Awards. Sorry, when you say "parking" do you mean like in a car
:14:41. > :14:49.reversing into a slot? Right, OK. Yeah. They have awards and Hugh
:14:49. > :14:54.hands them out. I gave them all tickets to be honest! LAUGHTER
:14:54. > :14:58.is not enjoying this. Showaddywaddy, Showaddywaddy, Sepp Blatter, Sepp
:14:58. > :15:03.Blatter. Why have mother-in-laws been in the news this week? A woman
:15:03. > :15:07.wrote a letter saying that her daughter-in-law was uncouth and
:15:07. > :15:13.that the wedding come up, she was uncouth, she ate her dinner from
:15:13. > :15:19.the wrong side. What? What's that? I don't know. Is there a direction?
:15:19. > :15:26.You have to go left or right with your dinner? If you like circles,
:15:27. > :15:34.you start on the left-hand side and make your way across. What? Idiot.
:15:35. > :15:40.If they put it all... I knew you people were plebs but this is
:15:40. > :15:45.unbelievable. In the end, we start on the left-hand side and make our
:15:45. > :15:51.way over to the other. What happens if you don't like the stuff on the
:15:51. > :15:56.left-hand side? Well, you are in trouble! What if you have pasta and
:15:56. > :16:00.it seems to be coming from over there? No, no. I'm not solving
:16:00. > :16:05.problems, I am explaining things. Your pork chop is there and your
:16:05. > :16:08.potatoes are there, you have to eat your pork chop first and the
:16:09. > :16:17.potatoes afterwards? Optional the potatoes. As long as you have
:16:17. > :16:27.started on the left everyone goes... LAUGHTER What if it is soup?
:16:27. > :16:35.APPLAUSE Yes. A lady called Carolyn Bourne sent an e-mail to a future
:16:35. > :16:40.daughter-in-law. A lady called Heidi Withers. She accused her for
:16:40. > :16:45.being very uncouth and it was graceful that she had never sent a
:16:45. > :16:51.thank you card for staying and said essentially that you shouldn't get
:16:51. > :16:57.married in a castle unless you live in one. If you live in a castle you
:16:57. > :17:07.get married in St Paul's Cathedral. You do, yeah. You live in a castle,
:17:07. > :17:09.
:17:09. > :17:18.you can get married... Mwah-ha-ha! He lures me in! I love the Count.
:17:18. > :17:22.Mwah-ha-ha! They then asked them for comments afterwards and nobody
:17:22. > :17:26.said anything, the bride and groom haven't apart from her father who
:17:26. > :17:31.came out with the great quote which was that woman basically she's got
:17:31. > :17:37.her head so far up her arse she doesn't know whether to speak or
:17:37. > :17:41.fart. This is the bloke who has to make a speech at the wedding. If he
:17:41. > :17:45.is saying that now, get a ticket for that reception. It is nice to
:17:46. > :17:51.see a mother like looking after her son. When ever I go out with girls
:17:51. > :17:55.my mum takes the side of the girl. I was going out with a girl and it
:17:55. > :17:59.was quite difficult and I don't normally do it, I looked on her
:17:59. > :18:06.phone, I found a text message from my mum saying, "You deserve
:18:06. > :18:11.better." Etiquette in other people's houses is very difficult.
:18:11. > :18:16.As a child, genuinely, I used to get very confused when I said you
:18:16. > :18:20.must not eat with your mouth open. I genuinely thought, how do you get
:18:20. > :18:25.the food in? There was that ludicrous thing when you are eating
:18:25. > :18:29.soup you are meant to push the spoon away from and you think my
:18:29. > :18:35.mouth is here, why am I, what is that about? If you go to someone's
:18:35. > :18:39.house for dinner and you go upstairs and you lay a massive log
:18:39. > :18:47.in the toilet that won't go down, what is the etiquette then?
:18:47. > :18:57.break it down with a brush! LAUGHTER You do battle with it.
:18:57. > :18:57.
:18:57. > :19:01.like soup you push away, you push away all the time. APPLAUSE Thanks.
:19:01. > :19:08.If you go to the loo and you find there is a massive log already in
:19:08. > :19:14.it. What do you do then? You walk out and go, "Who left this
:19:14. > :19:19.disgraceful thing in there?" I had to beat someone else's massive log
:19:19. > :19:26.to death before I could go back downstairs for fear that they would
:19:26. > :19:34.think I had left the log. They are all looking at you normally apart
:19:34. > :19:39.from one person going, "You have destroyed my log." "You and I know
:19:39. > :19:49.both what I did there and you can never tell anyone. I am the winner
:19:49. > :19:49.
:19:49. > :19:53.here. Mwah-ha-ha!" Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See so if
:19:53. > :20:02.everyone can go over to the performance area, please? Here we
:20:02. > :20:11.go. If you do that in as locking as shambolic way as possible... Of
:20:11. > :20:14.course, we will get them to do it all again. Now we come to Scenes
:20:14. > :20:20.We'd Like To See. We will see what our panellists can come up with. If
:20:20. > :20:23.you can manage to do that less sarcastically... Now we come to
:20:23. > :20:33.Scenes We'd Like To See so if everyone could make their way over
:20:33. > :20:40.
:20:40. > :20:44.to the performance area, please? LAUGHTER We'll do it again. Walk
:20:44. > :20:52.like you are naturally walking into the position. That is my normal
:20:52. > :20:58.walk. Two inches that way. I'll give you two inches. Thank you.
:20:58. > :21:04.Appreciate it. Here we go, the first subject is unlikely things to
:21:04. > :21:10.hear on a history documentary. BUZZER SOUNDS Sorry. Apologies. My
:21:10. > :21:20.fault. Sorry. Do you want to walk back out again? Sorry. It is still
:21:20. > :21:23.
:21:23. > :21:27.you, no-one will step in. Go back. Sorry. Itchy trigger finger. Thank
:21:27. > :21:32.you very much. Very important that that part of my head looks
:21:32. > :21:37.fantastic at all times. That is why I plucked all the hair off to make
:21:37. > :21:45.sure it receives all the attention it deserves. Wayne Rooney is a
:21:45. > :21:51.pussy! OK. At the end of that round, a point to Alun, Hugh and Milton.
:21:51. > :22:01.If we do it again without you whining like a locking child. Go
:22:01. > :22:05.back there. Is it how many matches has Novak Djokovic lost in the last
:22:05. > :22:11.year? Do you want to do that again? Is it how many matches has Novak
:22:11. > :22:18.Djokovic lost in the last 12 months. That will do fine. This year, sorry.
:22:18. > :22:23.It is this year. I thought a year was 12 months. LAUGHTER Sorry if I
:22:23. > :22:31.misunderstood. This year, 2011. We are only in the middle of this year,
:22:31. > :22:38.Hugh. So don't get picky with me. wasn't aware you were using the
:22:38. > :22:46.Gregorian calendar. Is it... Unless people are watching this on Dave.
:22:46. > :22:52.In which case it happened many decades ago. Let's see if it is OK
:22:52. > :23:02.to resume living on the surface. it how many matches Novak Djokovic
:23:02. > :23:11.
:23:11. > :23:16.lost in the year of our Lord 2011? LAUGHTER This week's clip features
:23:16. > :23:26.Nick Clegg and David Cameron. are you talking about? I know. You
:23:26. > :23:27.
:23:27. > :23:30.will love this one. Well done, Hugh. APPLAUSE By the way, the scheme we
:23:30. > :23:36.have here to boost the self- confidence of members of the team,
:23:36. > :23:42.randomly I say well done and people clap. I have a star chart in make-
:23:42. > :23:52.up! Why has Cheryl Cole been in the news? He has a really good PR
:23:52. > :23:55.
:23:55. > :24:05.agency. I met her once, the blonde boozey one is gas, even the weird
:24:05. > :24:12.porcelain one, she is fun as well, but she is just... Dara has gone.
:24:12. > :24:22.In the eyes... A shark! The next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear On
:24:22. > :24:24.
:24:24. > :24:32.A TV Talent Show. Tonight, I'm going to be climbing a Sepp Blatter.
:24:32. > :24:37.You're right, I can't sing! Thanks. I'd like to dedicate this song to a
:24:37. > :24:43.friend of mine who was run over last week and is in hospital.
:24:43. > :24:49.# The wheels of the bus # Go round and round... #
:24:49. > :24:58.I have an ability that no-one on this planet has. That's Ant, that's
:24:59. > :25:06.Dec. It was like Elvis was in the building. You're fat and there's a
:25:06. > :25:13.stench of death. Peter, it is not what everyone would call
:25:13. > :25:17.entertainment but you are one hell of an assassin. I thought you hit
:25:17. > :25:26.the high notes really well, it will be interesting to see if you can do
:25:26. > :25:34.that when I haven't got your nuts in a clamp. Hello. Where's my
:25:34. > :25:44.double act partner? He's in here. # Feelings
:25:44. > :25:45.
:25:45. > :25:55.# Nothing more than feelings... # When you said you were going to
:25:55. > :25:55.
:25:56. > :26:01.ride a donkey, what... Yes, I have been on the show before. I was once
:26:01. > :26:08.trapped in somebody else's underpants going,
:26:08. > :26:11.# Feeling... # That was an exceptional performance.
:26:11. > :26:18.The way you have overcome your blindness is truly inspirational.
:26:18. > :26:22.This is a chip shop. The X Factor auditions are next door. I'm going
:26:22. > :26:28.to be honest, I think you are all terrible, OK. You from dreadful. I
:26:28. > :26:35.don't know what you are doing, especially you, Hasselhoff, what
:26:35. > :26:44.have you done since Baywatch? think you can go the whole way and
:26:44. > :26:51.if you do, I'm quite likely to put you in the final. I know you said
:26:51. > :27:01.you were a Gary Glitter tribute act. We weren't expecting you to do
:27:01. > :27:03.
:27:03. > :27:12.THAT! LAUGHTER I'm Tom and this is Dave, my dancing guinea pig. Play
:27:12. > :27:18.music! Play the music! OK. The next topic is unlikely lines from a
:27:18. > :27:28.superhero film. Worry not, Procrastination Man is here. Where
:27:28. > :27:29.
:27:29. > :27:37.is everybody? What is with all the blood? HE WHISTLES Catwoman, what
:27:37. > :27:42.did I tell you about not shitting in next door's garden? I am Big
:27:42. > :27:49.Society Man. I could do it for you, but I would rather you do it
:27:49. > :27:58.yourself. Prepare to meet a new breed of sex-change superhero in
:27:58. > :28:08.the Ex Men. Yes, I do believe a man can fly but only if he is carrying
:28:08. > :28:17.
:28:17. > :28:24.under a hundred mills. I am Parking Review Man. Where's my cheque?
:28:24. > :28:31.Hyperman. I'm like Superman only... Oh. I'm Hyperman. I'm like Superman
:28:31. > :28:41.only... LAUGHTER I'm Hyperman. I'm like Superman only I'm bigger and I
:28:41. > :28:51.sell tellies. Worth a trip twice I think! LAUGHTER Just call the
:28:51. > :28:53.
:28:53. > :29:03.police. I'm sexist, racist and I drive like an arsehole. I'm 'white
:29:03. > :29:13.van man'. What use is a spider's web against me, Duster Man and
:29:13. > :29:17.
:29:17. > :29:24.Hoover Boy? Hello. I'm Batman Biggins. Oh. The next topic is...
:29:24. > :29:34.had a really good one. Go on. Shall I do... Yes. This is part of
:29:34. > :29:42.