:00:41. > :00:47.This programme contains some strong Hello, welcome to Mock the Week.
:00:48. > :00:55.I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Nathan Caton,
:00:55. > :01:00.Micky Flanagan, Stewart Francis, Hugh Dennis, Chris Addison.
:01:00. > :01:04.We start as ever with Headliners. Here's the Prime Minister speaking
:01:04. > :01:14.Here's the Prime Minister speaking recently. What does CATL stand for?
:01:14. > :01:15.
:01:15. > :01:23.recently. What does CATL stand for? Has he gone really street, Is it
:01:23. > :01:27.C&A totally looted? Is it a lot of the stores that were looted that
:01:27. > :01:37.Cameron has never set foot in in his life, Costcutter, Argos,
:01:37. > :01:39.
:01:39. > :01:45.Tesco's, Lidl? Is it Cameron attempts tit lunge? Samantha...
:01:45. > :01:51.looks like he's dancing, Cameron attempts the lambada? Is it
:01:51. > :02:00.Cameron's a to theer, LOL. APPLAUSE
:02:00. > :02:05.Or is it much, much more simple. Is he going "Carrots and toms, lovely.
:02:05. > :02:13."Is it in fact, couldn't arrange a turd in a lavatory.
:02:13. > :02:19.APPLAUSE Do you often find yourselves
:02:19. > :02:23.arranging turdz in a lavatory. Well that has come out at entirely the
:02:23. > :02:27.wrong angle. Pass me the turd wrangling implement. The correct
:02:27. > :02:34.answer please. Is it Cameron advocates tough love. Thank you
:02:34. > :02:38.very much Hugh Dennis. Yes, the answer was Cameron
:02:38. > :02:44.advocates tough love. This is that David Cameron said those involved
:02:44. > :02:47.in the riots needed tough love as he promised to deal with the
:02:47. > :02:50.estimated 120,000 problem families. The Prime Minister pledged to fund
:02:50. > :02:54.help for these families whilst continuing to be tough on those who
:02:54. > :02:59.have broken the law. Now we can talk about the riots, we're off air
:02:59. > :03:03.for a number of weeks. It's difficult to conflate the stories.
:03:03. > :03:08.News Of The World got shut down because somebody's telephone got
:03:08. > :03:10.broken and they wents on a rampage, the staff. They trashed London.
:03:10. > :03:16.Because of that Gaddafi's gone. That's the gist. That's what
:03:16. > :03:21.happened during the summer. What happened was the police, they shot
:03:21. > :03:25.dead a man in Tottenham. That led to a lot of resentment in Tottenham.
:03:25. > :03:28.And in Croydon, and in parts of Birmingham...
:03:28. > :03:33.LAUGHTER And specifically in Miss Shelf
:03:33. > :03:36.ridges in Manchester. A lot of anger at that guy. The only way
:03:36. > :03:42.they could cope with that resentment was to take home a new
:03:42. > :03:47.pair of trainers. It wasn't just that one issue, though. The
:03:47. > :03:51.reporters were saying, people were saying "This is a protest." One
:03:51. > :04:00.rioter was asked "Why are you rioting." He said "Well, this is
:04:00. > :04:04.the Iraq war, isn't it." That was eight years ago! They looted a
:04:04. > :04:12.Tesco Metro. The picture on the internet of this young guy posing
:04:12. > :04:17.with what he had stolen. It was a massive bag of Tesco value basmati
:04:17. > :04:26.rice. I'm not the coolest person in the world but I'm sure that basmati
:04:26. > :04:35.rice isn't massive on the street. I've heard people go "Weed... Crack
:04:35. > :04:39."I've never heard someone go "Psst... Basmati?" If you cut it
:04:39. > :04:44.with pilau... LAUGHTER
:04:44. > :04:49.Imagine he's going to the shelves, "I've got to get some cumin man."
:04:49. > :04:53.On the local news website there was a girl who said "I heard they were
:04:53. > :04:59.going to smash Primark and burn it. I didn't go in. I'm banned from
:04:59. > :05:06.Primark. " That's what we need, law abiding
:05:06. > :05:13.looters. In Chiswick, one shop in Chiswick boarded themselves up,
:05:13. > :05:17.just one. It was a snappy snaps. They boarded themselves up, because
:05:17. > :05:25.they thought we're obviously, people are going to go "Jigsaws
:05:25. > :05:29.with children's faces on them!" Mouse mats! They put a sign up
:05:29. > :05:33.saying "Still open for business". But why don't you take a photograph
:05:33. > :05:38.of the shop print it massively, stick it on the board and then you
:05:38. > :05:42.look like you're open for business. George Michael would still hit it.
:05:42. > :05:46.My favourite comments on the riots came from Hazel Blears on Sky TV.
:05:46. > :05:51.She said she didn't know why the kids weren't in school, forgetting
:05:51. > :05:54.it was usually happening in an evening in August.
:05:54. > :06:00.LAUGHTER Sadly missed in Government that
:06:00. > :06:04.woman, isn't she? Do you not think the punishment should fit the crime.
:06:04. > :06:08.If you rob an electrical store like Currys, you should be fined, but
:06:08. > :06:14.pay nothing this year? LAUGHTER
:06:14. > :06:19.24-monthly installments. If you're looting from Currys you will get
:06:19. > :06:25.done 90 quid for the three year extended warn ti. I was a victim of
:06:25. > :06:34.the looting. You know Peckham is near where I live. Not that near...
:06:34. > :06:38.I've done OK. So, but it is close enough that we could see the flames.
:06:38. > :06:44.And the next night I went down my off license to get some cans of
:06:44. > :06:49.beer. Shut up. I passed four. I thought this cannot be tolerated.
:06:49. > :06:58.It's affecting ordinary working people now. I just caved his
:06:58. > :07:04.windows in and took a few cans. APPLAUSE
:07:04. > :07:11.Did you see the geezer who bent over in fronts of about 500 coppers,
:07:11. > :07:16.mooned them, not only that, pulled the checks of his cheeks apart. All
:07:16. > :07:22.these coppers thinking... I should have worked harder at school, I
:07:22. > :07:31.really should. These coppers not looking at their truncheon going
:07:31. > :07:35."If only I could." I think the tough love thing might work though.
:07:35. > :07:39.Not the tough, but the love. If I was a teenager who had been looting,
:07:39. > :07:42.I would stop doing whatever I was doing if there was any prospects of
:07:42. > :07:48.David Cameron coming round and loving me.
:07:48. > :07:51.David Cameron said he wanted the police to be able to have water
:07:51. > :07:56.cannon and plastic bullets at their disposal. They're very different
:07:56. > :08:01.things there. I've always quite liked the idea of water cannon. I'm
:08:01. > :08:07.sure it's painful, but it looks like it might be a bit of a laugh.
:08:07. > :08:11.A bit like Thorpe Park extreme, without having to pay the �30. The
:08:11. > :08:17.bloke bending down parting his arse cheeks, he could get some colonic
:08:17. > :08:20.irrigation. APPLAUSE
:08:20. > :08:29.A lot of people will be cleaning their riot shields carefully after
:08:29. > :08:32.that. Water cannon and rubber bullets are
:08:32. > :08:37.incredibly violet. They're used in the north. They're not good things
:08:37. > :08:43.though they sound like fun. Oh, no they've taken over the bouncy
:08:43. > :08:49.castle, get out the rubber bullets. Oh, water cannon, oh, I have a wet
:08:49. > :08:52.T-shirt, sexy time. They have too much technology. When I was a kid,
:08:52. > :08:57.which wasn't all that long ago. We didn't even have phones. We had
:08:57. > :09:03.house phones. I couldn't go to my family and ask to use the house
:09:03. > :09:08.phone to call my friends. My family look at me and go "Phone a friend?
:09:08. > :09:18.Phone a friend? We look like Chris Tarrant?"
:09:18. > :09:18.
:09:19. > :09:26.LAUGHTER Yeah, all right, we're having a
:09:26. > :09:32.riot. We're going to take down the system - go away! Stop listening in
:09:32. > :09:36.on my conversation. I hate you.
:09:36. > :09:43.My old man would be "Come on, how long does it take to organise a
:09:43. > :09:47.bleeding riot. Do you know how much it cost that phone?" Why has the
:09:47. > :09:50.sentencing been criticised? It's been incredibly harsh. People have
:09:50. > :09:56.been sent away for saying there was going to be a riot. That was
:09:56. > :10:02.ridiculous. If that is a case that's at least four years' each
:10:02. > :10:07.for each of the Kaiser Chiefs. As their lawyer, I would like to
:10:07. > :10:13.point out they only predicted a riot. One young man was sentenced
:10:13. > :10:17.to 16 months in prison for looting a Boots. That's the bad news. The
:10:17. > :10:21.good news, what he stole was lubricant.
:10:21. > :10:31.LAUGHTER I always like a happy ending, don't
:10:31. > :10:40.
:10:40. > :10:42.you? How bad is the sex industry now that you are the
:10:42. > :10:49.representative? You think the Kaiser Chiefs can't afford a better
:10:49. > :10:53.lawyer than you? Fair point. OK, at the end of that round the points go
:10:53. > :10:59.to Chris, Hugh and Stuart. Now we play a round called Rise of
:10:59. > :11:02.the planet of the Japes. This involves Andy, Stuart and Nathan.
:11:02. > :11:06.Make your way to the performance area please. I launch a wheel of
:11:06. > :11:09.news, wherever it stops, one of our performers must step forward and
:11:09. > :11:19.talk about that subjects. The winner is whoever I think is the
:11:19. > :11:22.funniest. Here we go. The first subject is... The economy.
:11:23. > :11:27.Now, the economy not going very well is it, apparently a lot of
:11:27. > :11:29.people are having to shop in cheaper supermarkets. You can
:11:29. > :11:35.understand why Waitrose might want to consider their price structure.
:11:35. > :11:41.I was in there recently, �8 for a chicken. And what's their slogan,
:11:41. > :11:46.never knowingly undersold. Where do they do their price compare sons?
:11:46. > :11:51.Not a supermarket -- a lot of supermarkets you can get �2 for --
:11:51. > :11:55.two chickens for �2. It might not be the same quality. You could
:11:55. > :12:00.chuck six chickens away and you'd still be a chicken up.
:12:00. > :12:06.I've done the maths for you ladies and gentlemen. Waitrose have
:12:06. > :12:14.introduced a new own-brand range Essential. I bet you would like to
:12:14. > :12:20.know what they regard as essential. Cherry cheesecake. Roast vegetable
:12:20. > :12:26.couscous, essential. I was in the wilderness for 40 days and 40
:12:26. > :12:30.nights, I only had the bare essentials... Mixed leaf salad,
:12:30. > :12:38.Italian mozarella and a vanilla candle. Praise the Lord!
:12:38. > :12:46.APPLAUSE Let's spin the wheel again. The
:12:46. > :12:49.subject is the older generation. Older generation, I've got a very
:12:49. > :12:51.eccentric grandma. Recently she's been getting involved in my love
:12:51. > :12:58.life, right. Obviously not too involved...
:12:58. > :13:03.LAUGHTER She got in my bedroom going "Go on
:13:03. > :13:08.Nathan. That's my boy." Whenever I go to my grandma's house she's like
:13:08. > :13:14."You have a girlfriend?" She's very old school. She doesn't realise the
:13:14. > :13:19.world we live in is multiactual churl. She's like "Make sure, make
:13:19. > :13:25.sure west Indian. There will be no white girl in my house." That's a
:13:25. > :13:33.problem. I like black girls. I like white girls. If you have got a
:13:33. > :13:37.vagina and a Nando's loyalty card... You're cool.
:13:37. > :13:42.I don't care about skin and colour. I like black girls, white girls.
:13:42. > :13:46.Chocolate is delicious, tasty and sweet, but milk is good for you. I
:13:46. > :13:54.said that to my grandma and she went "Not when you're lactose
:13:54. > :13:57.intolerant." APPLAUSE
:13:57. > :14:03.That leaves us with Stuart. Let's see what topic you've been left
:14:03. > :14:10.with. Spin the wheel. The topic is family.
:14:10. > :14:17.I heard that my sister's into bestiality, I'll be a monkey's
:14:17. > :14:22.uncle. APPLAUSE
:14:22. > :14:29.Threw no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree.
:14:29. > :14:35.He's still bitter and twisted. My other uncle, who's missing
:14:35. > :14:43.around arm, hates the way I mock him.
:14:43. > :14:48.APPLAUSE Doesn't like when I show off.
:14:48. > :14:53.My older brother's an expert on ereck tile dysfunction. He's now
:14:53. > :15:00.semi-retired. I don't like the way my kids are always quick to blame
:15:00. > :15:08.other people. They get their from their mom.
:15:08. > :15:14.I get my tendency to gouch from my mum. I got my father's eyes.
:15:14. > :15:18.LAUGHTER I first heard my real parents were
:15:18. > :15:23.budgies, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
:15:23. > :15:32.APPLAUSE Point sto Stuart there. Thank you
:15:32. > :15:37.The next round is called if this is the answer, what is the question?
:15:37. > :15:43.On the board are six categories. Nathan which would you like? I'll
:15:43. > :15:47.go for sport please. OK. The answer is seven. What is the question?
:15:47. > :15:53.Erm... How many coffee breaks can Usain Bolt have during the 200
:15:53. > :16:02.metres and still win comfortably? Is it the age I was when I lost my
:16:02. > :16:08.virginity? That goes out to be Father Sharkey! Is it if he's in a
:16:08. > :16:11.hurry what does James Bond say his number is? Is it, what should never
:16:11. > :16:19.come after the word "harper" to form a girl's name?
:16:19. > :16:28.APPLAUSE It is a shocking name, Harper Seven.
:16:28. > :16:32.It sounds like a Yorkshire bloke trying to say 7.30. Harper Seven.
:16:32. > :16:39.Is it what the maximum number of legs a spider can have and still
:16:39. > :16:45.qualify for the Paralympics? Is it how many million people are hoping
:16:45. > :16:48.Beyonce's baby looks more like her and less like Jay-Z? Is it the
:16:48. > :16:56.number of times Ashley Cole's going to have to cheat on Cheryl before
:16:56. > :17:01.she finally tells him to fuck off. Do you know the correct answer?
:17:01. > :17:04.it the number of medals Britain won at the international athletics
:17:04. > :17:11.competition in the last week? Congratulations, very good. That's
:17:11. > :17:16.exactly right. The answer is seven, the question I
:17:17. > :17:24.was looking for is how many medals have Great Britain and Northern
:17:24. > :17:28.Ireland win in Daegu. Team GB bracket, plus NI closed bracket,
:17:28. > :17:32.won seven medals and finishing in sixth place in the medal table. Due
:17:32. > :17:36.enjoy the Games? I thought it was great. We got our medal Tali. The
:17:36. > :17:42.worry is whether we'll get it in the Olympics. But everyone will run
:17:42. > :17:46.faster in the Olympics. You do when you have got a gang of teenagers
:17:46. > :17:56.chasing you. Is it how many penises are under this desk right now?
:17:56. > :17:57.
:17:57. > :18:01.APPLAUSE I hate to disappoint you. Why did
:18:01. > :18:08.Usain Bolt make headlines during the championships? He was working
:18:08. > :18:13.as an inturn at the -- intern at the Daily Mail. Really? Do you
:18:13. > :18:19.really think he would be an intern? Yeah, he's the box ticked. He false
:18:20. > :18:24.started in the 100 metres. Why is it strange, is it a rule change?
:18:24. > :18:28.Because you obl get one false start and you're out. The reason is they
:18:28. > :18:32.want to keep it to TV schedules to go to the advert break. Now the
:18:32. > :18:39.choice is you either see Usain Bolt within a world record or you go and
:18:39. > :18:44.see the fat bloke doing the Compare ads. People go on about the 100
:18:44. > :18:50.metres. They can run, they can run 100 metres in under ten seconds. I
:18:50. > :18:56.can have sex in under ten seconds, where's my medal! All I get is tuts
:18:56. > :19:00.and disappointment. It isn't the quickness of the sex, it's the fact
:19:00. > :19:07.you insist on a medal every time. It's just because I make her stand
:19:07. > :19:12.up for the National Anthem. Is it not because there's as many
:19:12. > :19:14.false starts. You're only allowed one false start. That's age, innit?
:19:14. > :19:20.We're back to the relay tomorrow. OK, so...
:19:20. > :19:24.LAUGHTER I seem to have fumbled it. Handing
:19:25. > :19:29.over the baton's going to be nasty. What is making a return to the
:19:29. > :19:34.classroom? School children? Yes, well specifically school children,
:19:34. > :19:43.that would be very topical. But what are teachers now allowed to
:19:43. > :19:48.do? Punch them in the face? Hit them in the bollocks? No, they're
:19:48. > :19:51.not allowed to hurt the children. They are allowed to separate if
:19:51. > :19:54.there's a fight for example. They're allowed physically interact
:19:54. > :20:01.with the children. Punch them in the face isn't specifically what
:20:01. > :20:07.they're allowed to do. We used to have a judo teacher, he was from
:20:07. > :20:13.China... Before you start this... Come here, you naughty boy! He
:20:13. > :20:19.would get his hand and pull his finger back and smack you on the
:20:19. > :20:27.forehead, pinging awe cross the classroom. This is absolutely true.
:20:27. > :20:35.Then he would say "Now sit down you irriot." Your teacher was Bennie
:20:35. > :20:42.hill? You book Micky, you know what you're going to get. You would have
:20:42. > :20:48.a red welt on your forehead. would your school have a judo
:20:48. > :20:55.teacher? He did maths, judo, English. Thursday afternoon, double
:20:55. > :21:02.judo? They've introduced looting now. He was a PE teacher, who was a
:21:02. > :21:08.martial artist. In China, I think he was top man. What are you the
:21:08. > :21:18.karate kid? He's the mild mannered janitor in your school. In China he
:21:18. > :21:27.was a threat to the state. The top man in China when you were growing
:21:27. > :21:34.up was Mao se, tung. I'm overdooing it with the accents I think. I've
:21:34. > :21:37.embellished it for comic purposes. I think they should bring back
:21:37. > :21:41.water boarding. Bring back water board sning It was a tough school I
:21:41. > :21:46.went to. Michael Gove said that there was a
:21:46. > :21:50.problem with kids today because he said most of them can't communicate.
:21:50. > :21:55.They can't use a knife and fork. They can't even go to the toilet.
:21:55. > :21:58.Which makes you think he's possibly talking about the House of Lords or
:21:58. > :22:03.professional footballers still open to these children. They say they
:22:03. > :22:06.can't use a knife and fork, they can definitely use a knife. He was
:22:06. > :22:12.saying that young kids don't know how to sit and listen properly. I
:22:12. > :22:16.thought he's never been on a bus between 3.30pm and 5pm in the
:22:16. > :22:22.afternoon, when all kids do at the back of the bus and all you can
:22:23. > :22:27.hear is ( incomprehensible ) I've been to Southampton, but I've never
:22:27. > :22:30.been to Scunthorpe. They know how to listen. What unlikely figures
:22:30. > :22:34.are going to be teaching in the classrooms? Soldiers, ex-military.
:22:34. > :22:39.The advantage I suppose of getting the military in school is if you
:22:39. > :22:43.have unruly pupils you can illegally render them to different
:22:43. > :22:47.school. I understand the need to use violent, heartless bastards to
:22:47. > :22:56.terrify the kids into submission, but don't we already have Catholic
:22:56. > :23:00.schools. APPLAUSE
:23:00. > :23:06.At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stuart.
:23:06. > :23:10.APPLAUSE Now we come to scenes we'd like to
:23:10. > :23:13.see. If you can make your way to the performance area. I'll read out
:23:13. > :23:19.this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up
:23:19. > :23:23.with. Here we go. The first subject is...
:23:23. > :23:33.Unlikely lines from children's books.
:23:33. > :23:34.
:23:34. > :23:44.Yes, it is sad, I used to be on Top Gear said Stig of the dump.
:23:44. > :23:46.
:23:46. > :23:50.Jack do you have any more of those beans? A Stringfellow, what's a
:23:50. > :23:57.Stringfellow? A Stringfellow, didn't you know it has tanned
:23:58. > :24:02.leather skin, a massive libido, bad 80s hair and a grin like a peedyo.
:24:03. > :24:10.APPLAUSE -- Paedo. This little piggy went to
:24:10. > :24:17.market. This little piggy stayed at home. And this little piggy went...
:24:17. > :24:27.And died horribly of swine flu. Let's learn the alphabet. A is for
:24:27. > :24:29.
:24:29. > :24:39.adopted, like you. B is for... Basmati. And as Eyeore put the
:24:39. > :24:46.
:24:46. > :24:54.LAUGHTER No, I don't think you should shave
:24:54. > :24:59.Bilbo, said Frodo. Those feet need waxing.
:24:59. > :25:09.Yes, yes grandma, what a big TV screen you've got. Said little red
:25:09. > :25:14.riding hoodie. Who's been sleeping in my bed, said
:25:14. > :25:20.daddy bear. Well, said mummy bear, it's been your brother Ryan and
:25:20. > :25:27.he's a much better shag than you are.
:25:27. > :25:33.I want to go to not nam, said Max. That's Where the Wild Things Are.
:25:33. > :25:42.( Tottenham) The lion, the witch and the wardrobe, or as we like to
:25:42. > :25:49.call them, the Sugababes. Once upon a time, in a far away
:25:49. > :25:59.land, there was a handsome young Prince named Dara.
:25:59. > :26:00.
:26:00. > :26:07.LAUGHTER Where's Gaddafi? The railway
:26:07. > :26:13.children Jess tick lated wildly at the driver "You've left us behind
:26:13. > :26:19.you wanker!" Oh, dear, said postman Pat, I've just had sex with my cat
:26:19. > :26:25.Jess. I should have gone to Specsavers.
:26:25. > :26:33.APPLAUSE So Emily learned, if she'd have
:26:33. > :26:40.been a nicer little girl, mummy and daddy would never have got divorced.
:26:40. > :26:44.Do you know what, said the very hungy caterpillar, this gat strik -
:26:44. > :26:48.- gastric band has changed my life. The next topic is unlikely things
:26:48. > :26:56.for a sports commentator to say. There's just another Grand Slam
:26:56. > :27:05.victory for Andy Murray. And now we come to the javelin. If
:27:05. > :27:05.you're watching in 3-D, you might want to look away now.
:27:06. > :27:09.And here we are at the women's football, but while we're enjoying
:27:09. > :27:18.the game, spare a thought for the men at home going without dinner
:27:18. > :27:26.this evening. Well, he's stroked that through the
:27:26. > :27:30.covers, surely it would have been easier just to pull back the duvet.
:27:31. > :27:38.Here the British Grand Prix we've had a couple of fatalities, yes two
:27:38. > :27:43.of the crowd have died of boredom. Lewis Hamilton is three seconds
:27:43. > :27:51.ahead, but there's trouble at turn 17, as dastardly and muttly have
:27:51. > :27:59.dug a pit. I'm here at the green court bowls.
:27:59. > :28:04.And I've started cutting myself. LAUGHTER
:28:04. > :28:09.He got the right hook in. He's got the left hook in. He's finally
:28:09. > :28:13.finished put up those curtains! Well, welcome back after the break,
:28:13. > :28:23.you haven't missed much, just the entire Indian innings.
:28:23. > :28:24.
:28:24. > :28:32.APPLAUSE Let's go back to Henley where Clare
:28:32. > :28:36.Balding is standing with two Cox. There's Rio Ferdinand, what a
:28:36. > :28:42.tackle, but enough from me, I should let these lads continue
:28:42. > :28:45.getting changed. Alex furgfurg has substituted Wayne
:28:45. > :28:50.Rooney, not the first time Rooney has been pulled off by a 69-year-
:28:50. > :28:56.old. APPLAUSE
:28:56. > :29:02.Well, what a result, the UK Somalian has beat America's Kenyan
:29:02. > :29:06.to show that the Africans aren't going to have it all their own way.
:29:06. > :29:14.Thanks for all those fantastic statistics there Motty, now go and
:29:14. > :29:20.get a locking life. OK. Points go to Micky, Nathan and
:29:20. > :29:22.Andy. And that is the end of the show.