:00:43. > :00:48.Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this
:00:48. > :00:58.week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal, Miles Jupp Chris Addison, Hugh
:00:58. > :01:01.Dennis and Carl Donnelly. We start with a round called
:01:01. > :01:05.Headliners. Here is a picture of the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
:01:05. > :01:11.George Osborne, pounding the streets, recently. What does CFIP
:01:11. > :01:19.stand for? It is just a list of things affected by the cuts, is it
:01:19. > :01:25.children, families, industry, people? Is it in fact his security
:01:25. > :01:34.code name, Charlie Foxtrot irritating PRICK? Is it chipolata
:01:34. > :01:42.found in pocket? Is it the recipe he is thinking of cooking that
:01:42. > :01:52.night? Is it Cava and figure infused partridge? Is it cops find
:01:52. > :01:54.
:01:54. > :01:57.iPhone pervert? I reckon it must be clever fellow in plimpsols? Is it
:01:57. > :02:07.clammy forehead itchy privates, what everyone finds when they are
:02:07. > :02:12.going for a job? Is it all part of a health regime, is it Chancellor
:02:12. > :02:17.finger inspects prostate. All men of a certain age should
:02:17. > :02:27.have their prostate checked. That is something that we at Mock The
:02:27. > :02:28.
:02:28. > :02:37.Week support! APPLAUSE. I need the correct answer? Is it
:02:37. > :02:42.Chancellor, fleas, immense pigeon? It is more done than that.
:02:42. > :02:47.OK, it is Chancellor faces increased pressure.
:02:47. > :02:51.It is close enough. That will do fine. Well done.
:02:51. > :02:54.Yes, I was looking for Chancellor facing increasing pressure. This is
:02:54. > :03:01.the news that George Osborne is under scrutiny as the British
:03:01. > :03:05.economy fails to improve. He faces calls for an implementation of
:03:05. > :03:13.banking reforms and the renew the argument over the 50 pence tax rate.
:03:13. > :03:21.Have the bankers been let off the hook? Kind of. It is all about them
:03:21. > :03:27.ring-fencing it is the most dangerous event at the Olympics.
:03:27. > :03:32.LAUGHTER. I am totally representing Britain!
:03:32. > :03:35.Basically, the gist of this, this is what I could come up for with
:03:35. > :03:41.banking reform. There is the retailer half and the investment
:03:41. > :03:46.half. There is one biscuit tin. The retailer half take the biscuits
:03:46. > :03:51.from the biscuit tin and put more in. The investment half use the
:03:51. > :03:54.biscuit tin to take the biscuits out and lure children into
:03:54. > :03:59.paedophilia. What we are saying is that must
:03:59. > :04:05.stop. In eighth years' time you have to buy your own biscuits. That
:04:05. > :04:11.is the banking reform. Eight year is too long for banking
:04:11. > :04:17.reform. Let them do it for two years, for every day they go over
:04:17. > :04:22.that, charge them a tern and send them a letter! APPLAUSE.
:04:22. > :04:31.The thing is, we get wound up about it, but none of us ever change
:04:31. > :04:38.banks, do we? We could easily change banks, why did you change
:04:38. > :04:43.yours? I went to Lloyds, they would not accept my passport as a form of
:04:43. > :04:52.identification. I went in there with an Irish passport, the man
:04:52. > :04:56.said, "I don't think so ." The showed him a visa to China, he said,
:04:56. > :05:00.no way. I said that the Chinese government
:05:00. > :05:05.accepted it. It is the best way to stop the
:05:05. > :05:11.bankers, to make them, every time they want to do seeing, to go
:05:11. > :05:16.through a pass word check and the question, is what is their mother's
:05:16. > :05:20.maiden name, they would never be able to answer it, they are all
:05:20. > :05:24.bastards. It is amazing how many people's
:05:24. > :05:29.pass word in Britain, their pass word is pass word. If you ever want
:05:29. > :05:37.to crack a code, try pass word as the first one.
:05:37. > :05:40.Why would anybody have a pass word as the pass word. Mine is 6791.
:05:40. > :05:45.That is easier to remember, thank you very much.
:05:45. > :05:52.Vince Cable is not happy with any of the eight-year time frames for
:05:52. > :05:57.anything. He is worried he will be dead! I was merely going to say not
:05:57. > :06:04.re-elected but dead is harsh. Why has George Osborne been dragged
:06:04. > :06:10.into the phone hacking scandal? was involved it in -- in it from
:06:10. > :06:17.the beginning! APPLAUSE. He was formerly friends with
:06:17. > :06:21.someone who ran a prostitutiondies Beverly Hughes business. This lady
:06:21. > :06:28.claims that she and George Osborne took cocaine together.
:06:28. > :06:34.A claim that he denies. He denies taking prostitute's
:06:34. > :06:39.cocaine. He denies it. She linked him in
:06:39. > :06:43.how? Her number was in Glenn Mulcaire, the private investigator
:06:43. > :06:47.engaged by the News of the World to listen in to everyone in the
:06:48. > :06:53.country's phone calls, it was found in his file.
:06:53. > :06:59.This woman ran a high-class escort service and nobody asked her what
:06:59. > :07:04.she thought of the 50 pence tax rate. So if anyone feels that there
:07:04. > :07:09.is something wrong with that, who after half an hour must feel, that
:07:09. > :07:13.they are doing this for the Government now.
:07:13. > :07:19.Wasn't there an agency called Black Beauties.
:07:19. > :07:25.What are you looking at me like that for? I thought you would find
:07:25. > :07:31.it more polite. I am happy to look over at Chris.
:07:31. > :07:36.I said it was called Black Beauties, you looked at me like I was going
:07:36. > :07:42.to confess something. As soon as you said Black Beauties,
:07:42. > :07:46.we all slowly turned away, like the scene in Twelve Angry Men.
:07:46. > :07:54.It is amazing what they found out with the phone hacking. If you have
:07:54. > :07:58.something to say that is important, you don't tend to Tel Aviv on the
:07:58. > :08:03.Ansar phone. You don't text that you have booked all of the Nazi
:08:03. > :08:08.prostitutes in uniforms that they are buried at the bottom of the
:08:08. > :08:13.garden, hope nobody finds out about this, call me back.
:08:13. > :08:21.It is the kind of story you expect to see,, "Hugh Grant's girlfriend
:08:21. > :08:28.is on the train, she will be home in half an hour "Hugh Grant's mum
:08:28. > :08:33.says she doesn't want to talk about such things, she will put her dad
:08:33. > :08:39.on. Sienna Miller had her phone hacked and had messages deleted.
:08:39. > :08:45.Who cares? I mean it is not as if she missed out on Hollywood film
:08:46. > :08:51.rolls. And Rebekah Brooks being married to
:08:51. > :08:56.Ross Kemp and she beat him up. That is a sad day when you have to go
:08:56. > :09:01.around visiting gangs all over the world because it is safer than
:09:01. > :09:07.going home! There was another one this week? There was.
:09:07. > :09:14.It was David Blunkett. When they know it was him, they
:09:14. > :09:18.could tell as there was a phone answered by a dog, saying it was
:09:18. > :09:28.for Dave, mate. Surely, you could not hack him, you
:09:28. > :09:32.
:09:32. > :09:37.could just sneak up and stand next to him! APPLAUSE.
:09:37. > :09:44.And the amount of fake photographs of him doing cocaine. In any social
:09:44. > :09:49.situation, take a plate and fill it with cocaine... But it was mundane,
:09:49. > :09:56.people did not change the codes, the argument was it was there.
:09:56. > :10:05.I think it is great that people do not change codes, mine is 6791.
:10:06. > :10:12.is the year you were born, 61, followed by the year you lost your
:10:12. > :10:19.virgin ity, 91! Well, I am pleased about that, you made it slightly
:10:19. > :10:24.younger than I really am And you have had sex at least once!
:10:24. > :10:34.points go to Miles and Andy. Now, we play a round called David
:10:34. > :10:41.
:10:42. > :10:44.wal yams Swims Through Muck. This game, where we stop we have to have
:10:44. > :10:51.a member to step forward and talk about that subject.
:10:51. > :10:57.The first subject is kids, who wants to go in? Ava? What kids want
:10:57. > :11:01.to wear is shocking and scary. As a parent of a teenage daughter I must
:11:01. > :11:07.be vigilant. My daughter was sneaking out with a long coat on,
:11:07. > :11:11.it was done up to the top. The women laughing now are slags!
:11:11. > :11:15.Essentially, what that means is that you are going out half naked
:11:15. > :11:20.you don't want your mum to see the outfit. I told her to open the coat.
:11:20. > :11:26.I said there was no way in hello are leaving the house dressed like
:11:27. > :11:31.that. It was squeezed, her body into a Lycra dress, I said, could
:11:31. > :11:37.she borrow that! But you have to be vigilant. You have to warn your
:11:37. > :11:43.kids about the dangers out there. I warned my daughter, she then told
:11:43. > :11:50.me she was not scared of a weirdo paedo, that shes with more likely
:11:50. > :11:56.to be sexually abused at home that is ridiculous, I don't find that
:11:56. > :12:06.girl attractive at all! LAUGHTER! APPLAUSE.
:12:06. > :12:08.
:12:08. > :12:13.OK. Let's spin the wheel again. And the subject is health. Miles?
:12:13. > :12:17.have had a recent experience of the medical profession. My wife and I
:12:17. > :12:22.had a home birth. If you mention the idea of a home birth to the
:12:22. > :12:26.people of an older generation, they are instantly terrified, but that
:12:26. > :12:35.is a general thing like racism and not indicating on roundabouts, but
:12:35. > :12:40.I myself I was, I have to say, nervy about the idea. I thought is
:12:40. > :12:46.the sittingroom the safest place to have a newborn child. I did think,
:12:46. > :12:52.though, that it would be a great community to get new carpets. Take
:12:52. > :12:58.advantage of our home an couldn'tents policy! I waited until
:12:58. > :13:03.the head was showing, you have to be sensitive. Then I tipped t her
:13:03. > :13:07.into the next room to get on the phone with the insurance people. I
:13:07. > :13:12.was excited, giving the measurements, I had done them
:13:12. > :13:16.months ago, but they ask a lot of questions. They wanted to know why
:13:16. > :13:20.my wife had attempted to give birth in every room in the house.
:13:20. > :13:25.Thank you very much. APPLAUSE.
:13:25. > :13:31.That leaves with us Carl. Let's spin the wheel.
:13:31. > :13:37.The subject is marriage. Away you I recently got married. It is OK.
:13:37. > :13:41.People moon about it, I think it is good. The only downside is that I
:13:41. > :13:46.get extra guilty when I mess up. I didn't know about this. I learned
:13:46. > :13:50.it two weeks after I got married, I accidentally punched my wife in the
:13:50. > :13:57.face. I am not making light of domestic violence. She was making
:13:57. > :14:02.me a cup of tea. It was her round. I was sitting in the front room
:14:02. > :14:08.watching TV. I was having a fight with a fly. It happened forefive
:14:08. > :14:14.minutes. It disappeared. She came back with the teas. You give tiv --
:14:14. > :14:20.give it five minutes to cool. The tea is ready to go. She leans for a
:14:20. > :14:27.sip, I don't see that, then I spot the fly. He is coming from the
:14:27. > :14:36.corner of the room. I think I am playing it cool. When he gets to
:14:36. > :14:43.there, I'm going to go... PUNCH I am so in the zone. I don't see the
:14:43. > :14:53.wife leaning into the flight path she leans in for her first sip of
:14:53. > :14:58.tea, out of know where I go... PUNCH. I punch her clean on the
:14:58. > :15:04.cheek. She has made me a lovely cup of tea. She is crying on the sofa.
:15:04. > :15:09.I started crying I have punched my new wife. It took me five minutes
:15:09. > :15:19.to calm her down to explain about the fly, to this day I just can't
:15:19. > :15:22.
:15:22. > :15:32.believe she bought it! APPLAUSE. Our next round is called If This Is
:15:32. > :15:34.
:15:34. > :15:44.Answer... What Is The Question. On the board are six cat goirs. Miles
:15:44. > :15:48.
:15:48. > :15:53.which category would you like? and-a-half weeks. Is the answer how
:15:53. > :16:03.early before Wayne Rooney asks is this tapeded to my head? Is it what
:16:03. > :16:03.
:16:04. > :16:09.is the age of Lidl whisky? This whisky is from late June.
:16:09. > :16:14.Is it how long will we all get to enjoy retirement for before we die
:16:14. > :16:19.under the new pension rules? Is it what is the amount of time before
:16:19. > :16:29.Kerry Katona earning a massive amount of money and declaring
:16:29. > :16:30.
:16:30. > :16:37.herself brunt again? -- bankrupt again. Is it what is the previous
:16:37. > :16:44.10,000 metre record before Mo Farah came along? Is it how long does the
:16:44. > :16:51.Queen train her Corgis to ride in a motorcycle pyramid. Is it how long
:16:51. > :17:01.is Doctor Who's Tajer? Good space timework there.
:17:01. > :17:02.
:17:02. > :17:06.The correct answer? Is it after what delay will easyJet give you a
:17:06. > :17:16.�50 voucher? The correct answer? it what the teacher said when the
:17:16. > :17:18.
:17:18. > :17:24.boy called Weeks got six-and-a- half... Is it how long will the
:17:24. > :17:28.rugby World Cup last for? Thank you very much, Andy! Yes, the question
:17:28. > :17:32.I was looking for is what is the duration of the rugby World Cup
:17:32. > :17:37.that is currently taking place in New Zealand. The host nation kicked
:17:37. > :17:44.off on Friday with a Tonga. It broke up six-and-a-half weeks later.
:17:44. > :17:49.Why so long? Because that is the amount of time it takes! There you
:17:49. > :17:55.go. That is that issued settled. If we could only be this clear on the
:17:55. > :18:04.issue of the economy. Is it how much of the last five
:18:04. > :18:14.years can Charlie Sheen remember? don't get rugby. I think rugby is a
:18:14. > :18:19.
:18:19. > :18:25.mus collar -- muscular form of golf. The rugby World Cup posts the
:18:25. > :18:30.highest concentration of tragically oppressed homosexuality outside of
:18:30. > :18:35.the Cabinet meeting. Have you seen the England team are
:18:35. > :18:39.playing in all black, confuetsing a lot of people, including -- which
:18:39. > :18:44.is confusing a lot of people, including the New Zealand
:18:44. > :18:49.supporters who think that their team is shit. I think that England
:18:49. > :18:55.should do a Morris dance. You can't just pick another
:18:55. > :19:03.team's... You can't say you have disguised yoifls. Who are you
:19:03. > :19:10.giving the ball to? It could be me it could be him. Who knows? We are
:19:10. > :19:17.moving with the wind. What has David Walliams achieved this week?
:19:17. > :19:22.He has swum down the Thames 150 miles although they released half a
:19:22. > :19:32.million tonnes of raw sewage into the Thames this week too.
:19:32. > :19:36.
:19:36. > :19:40.This is not someone with a vent. He has ended up in London swimming
:19:40. > :19:50.the them it is is very much like politics, you start at Oxford, if
:19:50. > :19:57.you can swallow nif shit you end up at Westminster! -- if you can
:19:57. > :20:03.swallow enough shit you end up at Westminster. Well, you get to kiss
:20:03. > :20:09.a supermodel! She probably asked him to wipe his face.
:20:09. > :20:15.She's Dutch, she is fine! What did he do on the way? He rescued a dog.
:20:15. > :20:20.I think he has a dark secret, he is trying to overcompensate for. I
:20:20. > :20:25.think we have not seen Matt Lucas for a while, I reckon he has killed
:20:26. > :20:33.him. This dog, though it was supposed to have had a bad hip.
:20:33. > :20:39.With sessions of hydrotherapy. Did the dog want to be rescued? Maybe
:20:39. > :20:44.it was a bark for help? In other news, how is the search for Colonel
:20:44. > :20:51.Muammar Gaddafi going? We have checked under the desk, there is in
:20:51. > :20:55.sign. My guess is that he is in Madame Tussauds posing as a Gene
:20:55. > :20:59.Simmons's waxwork. Or weather spoons. He could hang out there,
:20:59. > :21:05.nobody would bat an eye lid if you walked into weather spoons, there
:21:05. > :21:13.was a man in a blanket saying he killed people, no-one would bat an
:21:13. > :21:16.eye lid. He has been spotted in Niger, Burkina Faso and my theory
:21:16. > :21:21.is he is on a bizarre inter-rail trip.
:21:21. > :21:28.What has he left behind? Loads of stuff. There has been a property
:21:28. > :21:34.that has become vacant in Pakistan! We have another dictator who wishs
:21:34. > :21:40.to move into your area, looking for a family size compound!
:21:40. > :21:43.favourite picture was the guy with the jet ski, like that guy, he
:21:43. > :21:53.looks thrilled. How many opportunities does that guy have to
:21:53. > :21:53.
:21:53. > :21:58.go jet skiing? Look at me, I go jet-skiing! They found a photo
:21:58. > :22:06.album with Condoleezza Rice in. It was probably a perspective from
:22:06. > :22:12.Black Beauties! When you rent from Black Beauties, do they do the
:22:12. > :22:20.theme tune? Is that how you see it, you rent them. Don't forget to
:22:20. > :22:26.rewind your prostitute before you send her back! Sorry, am I taking
:22:26. > :22:31.the dignity away from prostitutes! Sorry about that.
:22:31. > :22:40.I like the side-to-side rocking motion. I suggest that is quite an
:22:41. > :22:47.unusual technique, but I don't know much about Ireland! APPLAUSE.
:22:47. > :22:52.The points go to Miles, Ava and Andy.
:22:52. > :22:58.Now, we come to scenes we would like to see, so make your way over
:22:58. > :23:02.to the performance area. EI read the top yibs, we see what the
:23:02. > :23:06.panellists come up with. The first subject is unlikely lines from a
:23:06. > :23:15.horror film. You have a flat screen TV and brand
:23:15. > :23:24.new trainers? I Ne What You Did Last Summer.
:23:24. > :23:28.Hey! I'm sorry it is just you look nothing like the photo in
:23:28. > :23:38.Match.com! Is there anybody there? Can you hear me? Is there anybody
:23:38. > :23:41.
:23:41. > :23:48.there? This is the Chris Addison Breakfast Show! Oh,... That was
:23:48. > :23:57.Mayor Boris Johnson with his official statement on the riots!
:23:57. > :24:03.Have you seen the traffic? It is a Nightmare On Elm Street! And now
:24:03. > :24:13.Alan Bennett's long-awaited re make of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the
:24:13. > :24:15.
:24:15. > :24:24.Nantwich Leaf Blower Kerfuffle! What do you want? What do you want?
:24:24. > :24:32.No, I'm not paying too much for my car insurance! I ate his liver with
:24:32. > :24:41.some fava beans and a nice Chianti. So I gave Mark's dinner party an
:24:41. > :24:51.eight! Do you like scary movies, Sydney? Oh, sorry, is Sydney there,
:24:51. > :24:52.
:24:52. > :24:56.please? If you don't keep up payments to your Exorcist there is
:24:56. > :25:06.a danger that your home will be repossessed.
:25:06. > :25:06.
:25:07. > :25:16.The joke is on you, Dracula, I've got AIDS! I ate his liver with some
:25:16. > :25:23.jelly beans and a nice um bungow! I've seen The Ring. I wish that
:25:23. > :25:28.builder would pull his trousers up! I don't have to listen to you, you
:25:28. > :25:37.are just a puppet. If you don't shut up I'm going to
:25:37. > :25:44.put your back in your box, Mr Clegg! I'm afraid he's been bitten
:25:44. > :25:51.by George Michael. He's turned into a Whampire.
:25:51. > :25:57.The next topic is... Commercials That Never Made It To Air.
:25:57. > :26:07.Have you got a Wicked side? Then you're a prick. Take two bottles
:26:07. > :26:15.into the shower, not anymore, I have a proper deal, though.
:26:15. > :26:21.JD Sports, 2,000 looters can't be wrong! APPLAUSE.
:26:21. > :26:31.Do you suffer from dull, lifeless hair? Don't worry, Andy Parissons
:26:31. > :26:31.
:26:31. > :26:38.will buy it off you! -- Andy Parsons. With ABS, sat nav and air
:26:38. > :26:46.bags this may be the most advanced condom you ever buy. How much did
:26:46. > :26:52.you say you earned for the Direct Line car insurance adverts? Well,
:26:52. > :26:59.people deserve to hear about this. Honk, honk, honk, honk.
:26:59. > :27:09.APPLAUSE. Dara O'Briain, we work, so he
:27:09. > :27:12.
:27:12. > :27:18.doesn't have to! APPLAUSE.
:27:18. > :27:23.Cash for cash. Send us your cash in an envelope,
:27:24. > :27:29.we'll send it back minus the commission! Every year thousands of
:27:29. > :27:38.bears are captured, tortured and forced to dance in front of
:27:38. > :27:48.thousands of cheering people. Call 0800 for tickets at hotline.
:27:48. > :27:58.for cash, put your cremated relatives in an envelope!
:27:58. > :27:58.
:27:58. > :28:08.Got that bloated feeling? My uncle had that, he was dead in a week.
:28:08. > :28:12.
:28:12. > :28:18.Smash for cash! Put t in marshed potato in an envelope. Don't just
:28:18. > :28:25.book it, Thomas Cook it, Dignitas in Switzerland.
:28:25. > :28:33.Why d do we have barbeques at low, low prices? Because the summer's
:28:33. > :28:41.been shit and no-one's bought them. At the Dog's Trust we never put
:28:41. > :28:46.down a healthy dog, but the minute one costs it is in the Thames!
:28:46. > :28:56.you suffer from unsightly chest hair? Sharehold have gone to Pec
:28:56. > :29:07.
:29:07. > :29:16.Shavers. Lynx come on, Virgins, wash your cocks! APPLAUSE.
:29:16. > :29:26.OK. At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Carl!
:29:26. > :29:26.
:29:26. > :29:34.And that's the end of the show. This week's players were Andy