0:00:02 > 0:00:06Programme contains some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Andy Parsons,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Simon Evans and Micky Flanagan,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:55We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Here's a picture of the Lib Dem top brass recently
0:00:58 > 0:00:59but what does CRCT stand for?
0:00:59 > 0:01:04Is it Cable Reaches Centenary Today?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Cable Remembers Crimea and Trafalgar?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11He's got his finger pointed at Clegg.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Is it Cable Reveals Collaborator, Ta-dah?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Is it Clegg Regrets Couples Therapy?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Is it what happened next?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Is it Cable Reaches and Caresses Tenderly?
0:01:26 > 0:01:31Is it Cable Resembles Crinkly Testicle?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Could it be...
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Can't Remember Choosing Them?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Is it Cable Realises Clegg's a Tory?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I think "tosser" would have got a bigger...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Yeah! Shall I have a crack at that one?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02You make it political, I'll make it funny.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Does anyone have the correct answer?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Is it Conference Reveals Coalition Tensions?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Exactly. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Yes, the answer I was looking for was Conference Reveals Coalition Tensions.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20This is the news that the Liberal Democrat conference
0:02:20 > 0:02:23has exposed growing tensions within the coalition.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25The latest claim comes as the Party's President, Tim Farron,
0:02:25 > 0:02:29says the Lib Dems have become "tainted" by their association with the Conservatives,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32comparing the coalition to a marriage heading for divorce.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Who has come out fighting this week then from the Lib Dems? - They all have, haven't they?- Yeah.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Did you see what the slogan was for the Lib Dem conference?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41"In Government, on your side."
0:02:41 > 0:02:43and I was thinking, surely a better slogan would be,
0:02:43 > 0:02:48"In Government, still can't bloody believe it!"
0:02:48 > 0:02:52It's a very fighting talk kind of conference.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56"We're not the Tories! Oh, we are showing them every day!"
0:02:56 > 0:03:00What they actually said was, "We are blocking Tory laws every day."
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Like they're ninjas and things are being flung at them!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08There's going to be the biggest divorce since Paul McCartney dumped Heather Mills.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Although, unlike the Tories,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Heather Mills does lean slightly to the left.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21The tragedy of it is though, it's on the telly, isn't it?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And these are a party in power,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26they're sharing government and the conference is on.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29And when you turn on the conference you don't think,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31"Ah, look, I really must listen to all these arguments."
0:03:31 > 0:03:35You think, "What have they done with Diagnosis Murder?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:41It's the language the press choose to report it in that's amazing.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46The Daily Mail always choose words to make the Liberals look more ridiculous than they actually are.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50They said that the Liberals were threatening to "flounce out" of Government.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52"Come on Vince, get your red box, we're leaving.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56"Talk to the hand, the legislative agenda ain't listening."
0:04:01 > 0:04:04And they said, "We're punching above our weight."
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Where I come from that's a really bad thing.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"Oh, you're punching above your weight a bit, aren't you?"
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Yeah. In my town, you're punching above your weight if your wife hasn't got a beard.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17What proposal has Energy Secretary Chris Huhne announced this week?
0:04:17 > 0:04:22He's going to try and force energy companies to reduce prices.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Something about... He is, yeah.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26He thinks people aren't getting the competition they deserve.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30The problem there is that people don't understand "energy supplier".
0:04:30 > 0:04:32The phrase. Particularly teenagers and stuff.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34You say, "Have you switched your energy suppliers?"
0:04:34 > 0:04:38And they probably go, "Like I was on Lucozade and now I'm on Relentless!"
0:04:44 > 0:04:49That is the voice of young Britain right there.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I'm, in fact, on Economy 7.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55And that's supposed to save you money because the idea is that you do things overnight
0:04:55 > 0:04:58but I'm not sure that it does actually save you money
0:04:58 > 0:05:00because you tend to put the washing machine to go on overnight
0:05:00 > 0:05:02and then you actually forget that you've put it on.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05two days later you go back to the washing machine,
0:05:05 > 0:05:09smell the clothes and go, "I'd better put those on again!"
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Is Economy 7 saving you money so long as you're using it in 1986?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Not that I'm aware of!
0:05:18 > 0:05:22I would say to you, Andy, that cook, cook, cookability is the beauty of gas.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28If you want to save energy, Andy, you want to fit the best. Fit Everest!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31It's called Economy 7.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I've got something to say to you.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36# Boom boom boom boom Esso Blue. #
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Leave him, don't take the piss out of him, he's got a tiger in his tank.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I don't get any of these jokes!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Because I grew up in Ireland, I don't get any of these jokes.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51How about, "fiddle de dee, have coal!"
0:05:51 > 0:05:55That wasn't a popular ad in Ireland, thank you very much.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56It would make things a lot easier
0:05:56 > 0:06:00if there was an actual difference when you switched supplier.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03If they went, "I've gone from EDF to British Gas and now, I don't know,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05it looks a bit French, or something.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Do you know what I mean? If it had something about it,
0:06:08 > 0:06:12it wasn't patently exactly the same gas and not just a different bill.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14You think the gas should come out a different colour?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Yes! Or shape or something.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Oh, I like this! This is new, ooh!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24# Dun, dun, dun, dun, du-rah! #
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Every so often a son et lumiere show would go on.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31My father is convinced that since they switched
0:06:31 > 0:06:35to a French-owned electricity company
0:06:35 > 0:06:38that it's coming through slower, he is sure of it.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Does he think it's kinda coming, in a kind of French...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"Bah! I'll be there in a minute,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48"why are you so desperate to have a cup of tea over there?"
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I'm still distressed to find out
0:06:50 > 0:06:53that my Economy 7 only existed back in the 1980s.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59In other news, what's going on here?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"Here's Louis with the over 25s."
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Is it the eight stickers I need
0:07:08 > 0:07:11to complete my Panini Amish sticker album?
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Got it, got it, got it!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Are they the victims of a ninth man
0:07:18 > 0:07:20who has been gluing people to rulers?
0:07:22 > 0:07:27This is a campaign against selling Stella Artois.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29These are the women you end up sleeping with.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Or, in fact, these are the replies
0:07:36 > 0:07:39that convinced me to cancel my subscription on match.com.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45The bloke on the top right definitely used to have his head slapped by Benny Hill.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53I know, it's a poster for the new movie The Unusual Suspects.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56They are all Amish,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59in Kentucky they have been jailed for non-payment of fines
0:07:59 > 0:08:02after they refused to put reflective safety signs
0:08:02 > 0:08:05on their horse-drawn buggies because they're too modern.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10It wasn't one of the better University Challenge episodes.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Amish University A versus Amish University B.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Sorry, I do love the idea of it being University Challenge.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21And the scores remain zero
0:08:21 > 0:08:24because neither Amish team wishes to use the buzzer.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30He looks so much guiltier, that bloke in the top right,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32than all the others, doesn't he?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36It's like Father Christmas has been hanging out with the wrong people.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Room for one more? Yeah, let's have a close up of one more.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Ha-ha-ha-ha(!)
0:08:46 > 0:08:52You had this up your sleeve, how I would look as an Amish.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55You look like a young Ken Clarke.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00Are you sure it's not an advert for Regaine hair foam?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04It'd be a warning ad. "I smeared it here and it came out here!"
0:09:04 > 0:09:06OK, at the end of that round
0:09:06 > 0:09:08the points go to Chris, Hugh and Greg.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Now we play a round called Tinker Tailor Soldier Stand Up.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19This game involves Simon, Greg and Micky.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25This round is a stand up challenge. I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we go.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Let's spin the wheel.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35The first subject is fatherhood. Who wants to come in on that?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Greg.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45My father has taken fatherhood in a very strange direction
0:09:45 > 0:09:47in the last few years,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49and it started about three years ago at Christmas
0:09:49 > 0:09:51when he announced to me, and this is a quote,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54and all of what I'm about to tell you is entirely real, it happened.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57He said to me, "Son, I'm 72."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I said, "I'm aware of that."
0:09:59 > 0:10:04"I've decided from now on I should start behaving exactly as I see fit."
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I said, "I would welcome that." He said, "I'm glad you agree
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"because when you come home for Christmas you will discover this year
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"that I am wearing a Christmas outfit."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I went, "All right then."
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I got home and true to his word he was wearing a Christmas outfit.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22I swear to you it was one giant pair of white underpants that stretched
0:10:22 > 0:10:26from his knees to just below his nipples,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29with a novelty Santa hat with a flashing bulb on the end.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32And he came downstairs, and this is a quote, "Do you like?"
0:10:35 > 0:10:36I said, "I find it a bit challenging."
0:10:36 > 0:10:38He said, "I don't give a shit what you think."
0:10:38 > 0:10:40And he went off to eat some cheese.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42This is where it gets weird.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I went out that night with some of the people in my home town.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Midnight, anticipating me coming home,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50my mother tells me he did this -
0:10:50 > 0:10:53he went upstairs in his "panta" outfit...
0:10:56 > 0:11:00..he went to my mother's sheet drawer, for she has one,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02he took out a double white sheet,
0:11:02 > 0:11:03he placed that over his head,
0:11:03 > 0:11:08he went out into their garden and he hid in a bush
0:11:08 > 0:11:11with a view to giving me,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15his then 40-year-old son, "a bit of a scare."
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Presumably, my mother is so sick of his shit she decided not to tell him
0:11:19 > 0:11:21something that she full well knew,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24that on that occasion I stayed over at a friend's house.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Well done. OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39And the next subject is "class". Who's wants to come in on that?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Er, class, yes, this is a society...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44our country is a society riven by class.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48I was very much aware of this when I lived in Brixton for many years...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER ..yeah, exactly.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54So, seriously, the streets of Brixton are littered with homeless people,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57vagrants, derelicts of one kind or another,
0:11:57 > 0:12:01it's very distressing if you're trying to pursue a middle class path
0:12:01 > 0:12:06and, you know, I could blinker myself to them
0:12:06 > 0:12:07when I was a young man,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10but when I had children it became more difficult.
0:12:10 > 0:12:15We had a three-wheeler, we could get over most of them, but it slows you down.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17And it would puzzle me why they were there, to be honest.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Homelessness is very sad but if you're homeless, why would you choose to stay in Brixton?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25The one advantage of being homeless is you can choose where you live.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26You can be in the countryside.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29A couple of vouchers out of the Daily Mail
0:12:29 > 0:12:33and you could be in the South of France by the weekend.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Pick up some cheap booze on the ferry, they like a drink, the homeless, as a rule.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I don't want to tar them all with the same brush
0:12:40 > 0:12:43although if you sleep on the road, that will happen, sooner or later.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I do think it's a bit ironic that the favourite drink of the homeless
0:12:52 > 0:12:53should be a beer called Tennent's!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Micky, let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06And the subject is "fashion".
0:13:06 > 0:13:09LAUGHTER
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Now, I'll tell you about fashion.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Now...a few years ago I was looking for a new image,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24so I started going on stage like this,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27thinking that will create an image for me, they'll go,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"You've seen the geezer, stunning looking, top button done up."
0:13:31 > 0:13:35But I subsequently found out the image this tends to create
0:13:35 > 0:13:36is you're a wanker.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40So I looked into the whole issue of it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43And I'll tell you the situation with the shirt button, OK.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48So because people don't want to be thought of like that, they tend to undo their top button.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50There we go. That's better, isn't it?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Not enough? Still a bit too high?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54There's still a bit of tension in the room.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57What you really want is one more.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Watch.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03See that, it's palpable, innit?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Everyone's going, "Whoa, thank God for that!"
0:14:07 > 0:14:09That is the level of buttonage we require
0:14:09 > 0:14:12for a man going out for the evening to the All Bar One.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Very good. However...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21..if I go one more...
0:14:23 > 0:14:26..I'm suddenly back to being an arsehole again.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38How tough is it being a man knowing that you are going through life
0:14:38 > 0:14:39only ever one button away...
0:14:41 > 0:14:45..from being a wanker or an arsehole?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Very good. The points there go to Simon and Micky.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Our next round is called If This is the Answer, What is the Question?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Six categories. Simon, which category would you like?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07World News.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09OK, the category is World News.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11And the answer is 328 billion.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13What is the question?
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Is it, measured in pounds, how fat is yo mama?
0:15:18 > 0:15:25How many items do you get free if you buy one at Lidl?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Is it, how many trailers have there been for Downton Abbey?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Is it, according to the Daily Mail how many travellers are there at Dale Farm?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Is it, how many press-ups would I have to do
0:15:46 > 0:15:49to fit into one of Chris Addison's shirts?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52You would have to do more than that, big fella!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Is it, how many troops does President Gaddafi claim are still loyal to him?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Is it, the number of pieces you get in a box
0:16:00 > 0:16:01when you buy a wardrobe from IKEA?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Is it, how many points does Silvio Berlusconi have
0:16:10 > 0:16:13on his brothel Nectar card?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Is it in fact, how many missed calls from Zara
0:16:16 > 0:16:19were on Mike Tindall's answer phone?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Is it, what is the total debt now in euros
0:16:27 > 0:16:30that Greece owes the rest of us?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32That is right, thank you very much, Chris Addison.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Yes, the question I was looking for
0:16:37 > 0:16:40is, what is the total debt faced by Greece?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41This is the news that Greece
0:16:41 > 0:16:44is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Eurozone finance ministers are in disagreement
0:16:48 > 0:16:50about how to bail out the Greece economy.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52What progress is it making?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56They have given the telly back to Bright House.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57It is bad news.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- They owe 250 grand each. - Apparently, yeah.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01But it is bad news.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Imagine how bad donner kebabs are going to taste
0:17:04 > 0:17:08when they start putting REALLY cheap meat in them?!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Given the products they are most famous for,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14they are particularly worried about a double-dip recession.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I feel really sorry for the guy who has been charged
0:17:20 > 0:17:23with the job of putting all the plates back together.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27They can't afford to keep breaking them
0:17:27 > 0:17:30so he's been asked to glue them back together again.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35It's all rubber plates now. Duh, duh, duh, duh, boing! Hey!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- I'm not an economist, but they... - Are you not?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44They shouldn't have got rid of the drachma! They've kept their own yoghurt, haven't they?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51They weren't meant to have that level of debt to join the EU in the first place.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53It was meant to be a much lower level of debt.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56But they hid all their deficits from the rest of Europe,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58in a giant wooden horse!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11What's making it worse is they are continuing to spend, that is the problem.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15European finance ministers are saying they have to do some belt-tightening.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19They can't do belt-tightening. They wear togas. They would look like they were in Howard's Way!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Not only are they spending, they are also not paying any tax, any tax at all.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Corinth, the authorities have collected... The amount of euros
0:18:30 > 0:18:34collected in the entire city in the last six months is £18,000.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38According to the people claiming that, there are 12 million people,
0:18:38 > 0:18:42only 5,000 of them make more than 90 grand a year, they are claiming.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Nobody is admitting to anything. They are all just going, "We are not paying tax."
0:18:46 > 0:18:49That is why the Germans are saying, "We gave you the money.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53"But are you going to pay the tax?"
0:18:53 > 0:18:57And they're going, "Yeah, no problem, da, da, da!
0:19:00 > 0:19:01"What was that?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04"Nothing! Nothing!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07"We are just on the way to pay our tax now.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10"My cousin has the envelope, bye.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"Da, da, da. Ba-doing!"
0:19:15 > 0:19:18It is not strictly relevant, I went out with a Greek girl once.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I can't imagine how this wouldn't be relevant to a discussion of their economy.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Did you not have much money, Greg?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I'm just throwing it in.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I was in a lift once in Greece, and this man turned to me,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32and he went, "Are you sometimes gay?"
0:19:34 > 0:19:36He is giving you a way out there?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40It went really quiet, and he went, "Are you sometimes gay?"
0:19:40 > 0:19:44I went, "No, never really, no." He went, "OK."
0:19:46 > 0:19:50OK. In other news, who has been granted a last minute injunction?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- The travellers. At Dale Farm.- Yes.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55There is an irony in the fact
0:19:55 > 0:19:58the travellers don't want to go anywhere.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07It is a term, it is just a term.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Let's face it, bouncers don't actually bounce!
0:20:12 > 0:20:16If they did, when I jokingly pushed one over recently,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I wouldn't have spent the night in hospital.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23You would be disappointed when you went to that swingers' party.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27One of the women said, "Putting a traveller in a house
0:20:27 > 0:20:31"is like putting a traveller in a prison."
0:20:31 > 0:20:33But yet they are building them.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36You could put a traveller in a lodge!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- What is that character? - It's Jeanette!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Sounds like one of the Terrahawks!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44CACKLES
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"Leave me alone!"
0:20:48 > 0:20:50They are always claiming this...
0:20:50 > 0:20:53So many different countries covered with that accent, as well!
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Welsh, French!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57CACKLES
0:20:57 > 0:21:00"I'll get you Smurfs!"
0:21:02 > 0:21:04When I first heard about it, I thought, "I really hate travellers."
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Then I realised it is the Irish travellers,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11not those twats who go around the world for a year after university!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I'd love to see the bailiffs going after them!
0:21:15 > 0:21:20"No, you will never take my dreamcatcher away from me."
0:21:20 > 0:21:23It is not a dreamcatcher, it is string."
0:21:23 > 0:21:28It would be a disappointing gap-year if you end up in Basildon!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36That is why the people of Basildon are so upset,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39they are sick and tired of these posh people moving into the area.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Who else came out in support of them?- Loads of people.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50There were two bishops and an actress turning up to a caravan site.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54I was hoping for some low-budget '70s porn.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Then Gloria Hunniford, who it turns out wasn't there in support,
0:21:58 > 0:22:02she was there for her new show, Wish They Weren't Here!
0:22:06 > 0:22:11The arrival of the bailiffs was one of the biggest anticlimaxes ever.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15There were 30 of them and they had one 1970s loud-hailer
0:22:15 > 0:22:20and the lead bailiff went, "Is there anything I can say
0:22:20 > 0:22:23"to persuade you to leave?"
0:22:23 > 0:22:25There was a Life of Brian pause.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"Speak up.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34"Is there anything I can say to persuade you to leave?"
0:22:34 > 0:22:37There was another pause, and this woman went, "Fuck off!"
0:22:37 > 0:22:38It was amazing!
0:22:38 > 0:22:43She went, "I'll put a curse on you. I'll put a curse on you!"
0:22:43 > 0:22:45They're always giving it the curses!
0:22:45 > 0:22:49The minute it kicks off, "I'll put a curse on you!"
0:22:49 > 0:22:52THEY CACKLE OVER EACH OTHER
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Everybody watching this has got their remote control, going,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58"There's something wrong with the sound."
0:22:58 > 0:23:02OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Greg!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:08 > 0:23:12OK, now we come to Scenes We Would Like To See.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15If everyone could make their way to the performance area, please.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I will read this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists come up with.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20OK, here we go.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25The first subject is unlikely things to hear in a police station.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33Here, the microwave has broken again, Taser that meat pie for me, will you?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39I know it is unlikely,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43I don't suppose anybody has handed in Colonel Gaddafi, have they?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I noticed the burglar making his escape.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53At this moment, I cursed the police cutbacks
0:23:53 > 0:23:57and gave chase, shouting, "Nee-nah, nee-nah."
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- CAMP VOICE: - All units be on the lookout for a purple Renault Clio.
0:24:03 > 0:24:09Registration number, Saffron, Doily, Tutu, Bonjela, Chrysanthemum, Hiya!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15We didn't manage to evict many of them, Sarge.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17But he good news is, I got some lucky heather.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24No, I have not come to report a crime,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26it is just that I really miss The Bill,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28so I thought I would pop in for an hour.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Sarge, pass us the art section out of the Guardian, will you, mate?
0:24:39 > 0:24:43FOREIGN ACCENT: Yes, I know how identity parade works.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45That's her!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48That's her!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50That's the woman I robbed!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Right, we have a new man starting.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00He is half-man, half horse, it is Inspector Morse!
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Yes, our new 50-inch plasma screen TV. It is rather nice.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13If you can't beat them, eh?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19I am charging you with the murder of Mrs Thompson.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21That will be £7.19, please.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Right, listen up, there is a giant fly attacking the station.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30I have called the SWAT team!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Thank God you've arrived, officer,
0:25:38 > 0:25:44some bloke jumped into the boot of my car and shot himself 14 times.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49We got the tox report back.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52They go straight after the ticks!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I was about to arrest her, but my bottle went
0:25:57 > 0:26:01because she shouted out, "I'll put a curse upon you."
0:26:05 > 0:26:08OK.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12The next topic is unlikely things to hear in a science documentary.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Having cloned Ian Wright
0:26:14 > 0:26:18we now know two Ian Wrights don't make an Ian Wrong!
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Erectile dysfunction. Physical problem?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Or has the wife just let herself go a bit?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Well, this is incredible,
0:26:34 > 0:26:38this is a whole new species of miniature tiger.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Hang on, it's a cat!
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Now, pay attention, here comes the shampoo bit.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53We discovered the source of the quark.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56It's the sound made by a posh duck.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03This is a red dwarf.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06His name is Antony Worrell-Thompson.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Welcome to the Sky at Night.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17If we look out... Oh, hell, Croydon's on fire.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Despite getting a bad press,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24biological weapons work at much lower temperatures
0:27:24 > 0:27:26than non-biological weapons.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Without penicillin,
0:27:32 > 0:27:36well, I would still be cursing that day I went to Bangkok!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Tonight we look at the Ginger community.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Physical anomaly
0:27:49 > 0:27:51or God's cruel joke?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Ah, the Northern Lights.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Oh, no, Manchester's on fire!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10But will they find a cure in time?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12The last hope for mankind
0:28:12 > 0:28:15lies with scientists here at the Laboratoire Garnier.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Tonight, on Show Me The Evidence,
0:28:23 > 0:28:26we look at the traveller community.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Can they really put a curse on you?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40As the sperm swim towards the eggs,
0:28:40 > 0:28:44it is hard not to think that I've ruined this fried breakfast!
0:28:56 > 0:29:00I'm never again going to have a fried breakfast!
0:29:03 > 0:29:07OK, at the end of that, Micky, Simon and Andy get the points.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:13 > 0:29:15And that's the end of the show.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17This week's winners are Andy Parsons,
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Simon Evans and Micky Flanagan.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:42 > 0:29:45E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk