0:00:03 > 0:00:06# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:27This programme contains some strong language
0:00:27 > 0:00:29CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to a brand-new series of Mock The Week.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Andy Parsons, Nathan Caton and Micky Flanagan,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Welcome.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52This is good fun, I like this.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Here's a picture of the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02and the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04But what does O.B.E.C stand for?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Is it a list of people for whom Osborne writes his budgets?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Is it Oligarchs, Billionaires, Etonians and Conglomerates?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- APPLAUSE See?- Nice.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Is it, in fact, Old Berliner Eats Chin?
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Is Merkel going, "Oh, bubblegum is extra chewy? Mmm!"
0:01:32 > 0:01:36This is clearly Opulent Bellend Enjoys Coffee.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Osborne Bangs Euro Cutie.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51We're off.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Is Merkel saying...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59HE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Now, let me just check if that's correct.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05That's actually the correct answer.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Is it a Spanish comment on what's happening in their country? Is it...
0:02:09 > 0:02:13SPANISH ACCENT: Oh, blimey, ees catastrophe?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18What was that? Can we move off the foreign voices?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Could we have a correct answer?
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- Yes. Merkel is saying... - HE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:02:24 > 0:02:26No, no, that's not the correct answer.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Can someone genuinely give me the correct answer
0:02:28 > 0:02:30so I can move on with my life?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Is it...?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34HE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:02:34 > 0:02:36No, no, it's not.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Merkel's saying...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40HE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Stop saying German things!- Is it, Osborne Believes He Is Elvis' Child?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49There is an answer to this. There is a correct answer.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51How about a compromise?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54What if we give you the right answer but in a German accent?
0:02:56 > 0:03:01- Is it, Osborne Blames European Crisis?- It is of course.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Thank you very much, Chris Addison.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Yes, the answer I was looking for was Osborne Blames European Crisis.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13This is the news that Chancellor George Osborne believes
0:03:13 > 0:03:14the current crisis within the EU
0:03:14 > 0:03:17is killing off Britain's chances of an economic recovery.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20This comes in a week in which Europe agreed to a bail-out
0:03:20 > 0:03:22of up to 100 billion euros for Spanish banks.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Spain is now the fourth European country to be bailed out,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26following Portugal, Greece and Ireland.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29They've given the Spanish banks 100 billion euros.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I don't think you should be giving Spanish banks 100 billion euros.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Not given the number of British bank robbers currently living in Spain.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39That is a mistake, isn't it?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43It's not going to arrive in one van!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47A lot of it is going to a bank called Bankia, isn't it?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51It sounds like a bank from a children's programme, doesn't it?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54It is difficult to take the economies of countries seriously
0:03:54 > 0:03:58where the word bank is written as banco!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00It is generally easier to think they probably don't do,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"Hey, el banco!
0:04:03 > 0:04:07"Banco, banco, banco! Banco, banco, banco!"
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- This accent's all right, is it, Dara?- It's fine.- A fine accent!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14APPLAUSE
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - To be honest, Dara,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20you've been doing a ridiculous accent since the beginning of the series.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24But, Dara, it does help when you go on holiday there, doesn't it?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Because even someone like me, I walk along and go, "Supermercado.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30"I bet that's a supermarket.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33"Banco - that'll be the bank.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35"Baro. Bar."
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You've got half a chance. Have you been to Japan? Nothing.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39They give you nothing.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42You walk about, you don't know what you're doing.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I was in the bank the other day -
0:04:44 > 0:04:46this is absolutely true -
0:04:46 > 0:04:48a man had a shit on the floor.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52It was the most shocking thing I've ever seen in my life.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55That is one hell of a deposit that he has made that day.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59APPLAUSE
0:05:01 > 0:05:05He probably normally does all of his banking on the internet
0:05:05 > 0:05:07but he couldn't log on on that day.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:05:15 > 0:05:19The Spanish haven't had any strings attached
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- to their bail-out, have they? - That was the big problem, yes.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24In Spain, they're going, "Well, how is it possible?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"We can't work any harder.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"We already wake up twice a day."
0:05:31 > 0:05:32It's quite open-ended.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Whereas the other previous ones, like the Irish one, for example,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37they want us to pay it back.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Crazy! The Greek one...- The Greeks are really angry. Really angry.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43They're building a horse and everything.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48What has Osborne hinted at, by the way, with regard to Europe?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- He might be gay.- No.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53He hinted that he's gay?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I will say it again. Yes, I will say it again.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00As you said, oddly enough, there is a link...
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Wait, I have to do it without him going, "He might be gay."
0:06:05 > 0:06:08What has George Osborne recently hinted at,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10that eight out of ten Britons apparently agree with?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- That he might be gay.- No.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:06:18 > 0:06:22There is, oddly enough, a link between pasties and failing banks.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24In the sense that when you open them up,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27you've no idea what you're going to find inside.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I do like how Osborne is using any tactic
0:06:29 > 0:06:32to blame everyone else and not himself.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34He is technically like the white middle-class equivalent
0:06:34 > 0:06:36of the singer Shaggy. You know?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- AS SHAGGY:- "It wasn't me."
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- He threatened a referendum. - He threatened a referendum?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44He literally threatened a referendum.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47What happens, though, Dara - you know about this - if we leave?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- If you leave? - Say we go, "Right, that's it,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52"we don't want nothing to do with you any more.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"We've tried with you people
0:06:54 > 0:06:58"but you don't know how to look after your money.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"You're all irresponsible. You spend all day long swimming about."
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Hang on, swimming about?
0:07:05 > 0:07:09You Europeans...constantly just...
0:07:09 > 0:07:13How can you let people vote on something when they don't know what they're doing?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16That's what happens at general elections.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18APPLAUSE
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- We should...- I like the direction this show is taking.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Don't give us the chance to vote on anything.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32We just voted a dog as the greatest talent in this country.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34We are not a responsible nation.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36It could walk on its hind legs!
0:07:36 > 0:07:40We would vote in a pineapple with a face drawn on it cos it looks funny.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44You mean like Boris Johnson, essentially.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46We voted him in for a joke.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50You handed over control of the world's fifth-largest city to a guy with funny hair.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52"Flub-a-lub. Flub-a-lub-a-lub."
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"You keep doing the flub-a-lub thing, we love that!
0:07:55 > 0:07:58"We love when you do the flub-a-lub thing!"
0:07:58 > 0:08:00APPLAUSE
0:08:01 > 0:08:04They're saying he's done so well, Boris Johnson,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06now that he's back as mayor,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- he should become the next Prime Minister of Britain. - That's the thing.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11But he was actually born in America
0:08:11 > 0:08:15so he's eligible to become the next President of the United States. DARA GASPS
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Which would be my preference! Imagine that.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21The leader of the free world,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24the most powerful man in the world,
0:08:24 > 0:08:28cut to a picture of a fat scarecrow on a bike.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31It would be fantastic, wouldn't it?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33APPLAUSE
0:08:33 > 0:08:37At the end of that round, the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:40 > 0:08:45Now we play a round called Angela Smerkel's Comedy Bail-Out.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49This game involves Nathan, Chris and Andy,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the wheel of news and wherever it stops,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57one of our performers must talk about that subject.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we go.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02The first subject is...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07..finance. Can I have somebody to talk on that? Andy.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13So you can argue a lot of people have got too much money, couldn't you?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17I would personally argue anybody who ever bought the autobiography
0:09:17 > 0:09:22of the talking meerkat Aleksandr Orlov,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24you have too much money.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Anybody who has ever bought glow-in-the-dark loo roll,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30you have too much money.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Anybody who's ever bought a cosy sofa blanket with sleeves called a slanket...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39You know who you are.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Also anybody who's ever bought an Innocent smoothie.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47How expensive are they?
0:09:47 > 0:09:52£2.49 for a bottle the size of a specimen sample...
0:09:53 > 0:09:57..and they have the cheek to call them Innocent.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02Ladies and gentlemen, go to a supermarket, buy yourself a banana.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04It will cost you 20 pence.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Take a big bite, go...
0:10:09 > 0:10:12..and you will have saved yourself £2.49.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14APPLAUSE
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Well done, Andy Parsons.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23The subject is health. Who wants to come in on that?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Right, health.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I actually don't have that good a relationship with my GP.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34For one reason, and one reason only.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39Up until the age of 17, my GP had me on his records as a woman.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45They had me on their records as Miss N Caton.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48One day, they sent me a letter in the post, addressed to Miss N Caton.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Now, cos I'm 17, I don't really pay attention to the detail.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I open the letter and the letter says, "Dear Miss N Caton,
0:10:54 > 0:11:00"your doctor's surgery would like to invite you to attend a cervical screening next Monday at 9am."
0:11:00 > 0:11:03This is where I messed up.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06See, at 17, I knew what "cervical" was. That's obvious.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07But what I didn't know was that
0:11:07 > 0:11:10there's more than one meaning for the word "screening".
0:11:13 > 0:11:15APPLAUSE
0:11:16 > 0:11:21I thought screening was like, you know, you're screening a film.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25So when it said, "We would like to invite you to attend a cervical screening..."
0:11:26 > 0:11:28..in my ignorant, naive, 17-year-old brain,
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I honestly thought I had been invited to watch a movie about women's genitalia.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35I'm 17, I'm horny, I'm a virgin.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Am I going to go? You're damn right I am.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42So next Monday morning, I go to my GP, I get to the reception,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45it's full of women - doesn't put me off -
0:11:45 > 0:11:48walk up to the receptionist, go, "Hey, how you doing?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50"I'm Nathan Caton, I'm here for the cervical screening."
0:11:54 > 0:11:56She looks up, sees me standing there with nachos,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58popcorn and pic 'n' mix...
0:12:00 > 0:12:03..starts laughing in my face. Thank you.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06APPLAUSE
0:12:06 > 0:12:10OK, that leaves me with Chris. Let's see what you've been left with.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Let's spin the wheel.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15The topic is relaxation.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19We're obsessed in this country, obsessed, with relaxation.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Currently, Waitrose, in their "essential" range,
0:12:22 > 0:12:27sell Waitrose "essential" lavender-scented candles.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Because we've all been there, haven't we, ladies and gentlemen?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"There are no lavender candles in the house, darling!
0:12:33 > 0:12:38"How am I to have a petal-strewn bath with my whale noise CD?"
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Whale noise CDs? We are gullible bastards.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45We will buy anything so long as we've been told it's relaxing.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Whale noises?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49HE BELLOWS
0:12:52 > 0:12:55"Are you relaxed?" "I've never been more at peace."
0:12:55 > 0:12:57HE BELLOWS
0:12:57 > 0:13:04I saw a CD once called Relax With Pure Scottish Moods.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- ANGRY SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Relax With Pure Scottish Moods!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Relax! Track one - bit chippy.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Track two - slightly resent you in the country in the first place.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Track three - get out, you bastards!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18APPLAUSE
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Very good. Well done. A point to Chris. Congratulations.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33On the board are six categories.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Nathan, which category would you like?- Home news, please.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39OK, your category is home news. The answer is...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41What is the question?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Is it, if you're going to make a sex tape on public transport,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47what three things do you need?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52What three flavours come through when you're tasting English wine?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Is it, according to the coalition agreement,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00what three things do the Lib Dems have responsibility for?
0:14:02 > 0:14:07Is it...name three things I've left my umbrella in?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Is it, three things you're probably best off not to lick clean?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Is it, what is the name of Thomas the Tank Engine's no-holds-barred autobiography?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Is it what Peter Andre says when he's asked what his daily routine is?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- HIGH-PITCHED:- "I trains, I toilets and I celebrities."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Is it...?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38High-pitched, but not Australian any more.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42"I trains, I toilets, I celebrities."
0:14:42 > 0:14:46"I went to a voice coach to get rid of my Australian accent
0:14:46 > 0:14:50"and I can't help thinking she's done something wrong."
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"I've been over in this country for a while
0:14:53 > 0:14:56"so I sometimes slip into both fucking accents, Chris."
0:14:56 > 0:14:58APPLAUSE
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I trains cos of my six-pack.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I get it. I get it!
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I toilets so I don't mess my jeans up.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12And I celebrities, making the money for the kids.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18APPLAUSE
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Does anyone have another answer?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28What do we do better than Morocco?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36- OK. Can we have the correct answer, please?- I think I've got it.- Oh!
0:15:36 > 0:15:40That is not the build-up to the correct answer, but go on.
0:15:40 > 0:15:45Is it, name three things I've puked up on at the Edinburgh Festival?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47APPLAUSE
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I know the answer, Dara.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- Chris, do you know the answer? - I'll give you the real answer, Dara.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Will you give me the real answer?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59What are the three main talking points on a Saga holiday?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Is it three things that are full of shit?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I'm on the Peter Andre thing.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- AS PETER: - You liked that, didn't you, Dara?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I did like that. "Where it makes the money for the children,"
0:16:21 > 0:16:24that's the bit that got me.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- AS PETER:- Is it...? - No.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29What three things were most complained about at the Queen's Jubilee?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- If you can do that in a proper voice...- OK.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- GERMAN ACCENT:- What three things were most complained about...?- No.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39APPLAUSE
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- NORMAL VOICE:- What three things were most complained about at the Queen's Jubilee?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Very good. Thank you very much, Chris Addison.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47APPLAUSE
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52what aspects of the Queen's Jubilee celebrations drew criticism from the press?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Although the weekend was considered a success,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58there were complaints the train system was unable to cope with the vast crowds,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02raising concerns about the Olympics. The lack of toilets provided was also criticised,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06alongside the BBC's celebrity-heavy coverage of the event.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Did you watch the various events?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11The coverage was criticised for looking less like a royal occasion
0:17:11 > 0:17:13and more like The One Show but that is what the Queen calls it.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- AS THE QUEEN:- It's The One Show!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18It was an excuse for a bit of a knees-up.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23It was one of those weekends where you get so munted Saturday, Sunday, Monday,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26you phone up work saying you can't come in Tuesday,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29forgetting that's a bank holiday as well.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Nine months from now,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I bet you anything "flotilla" will be the most popular girl's name.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42They tried to pick on the people who had to do a lot of it.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- There was a woman in Tower Bridge... - In it, or on it?- In it,
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- in the control room at Tower Bridge. - Oh, OK.- Just before the guy pressed the button
0:17:49 > 0:17:51to make the thing go up like that,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53she said, "So is it going to work?"
0:17:53 > 0:17:57And the guy looked at her like, of course it's going to work!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Stop trying to introduce a note of peril.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"Are you sure it's going to work?"
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Like suddenly it's an action movie.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08"Oh, Jesus, the bridge is stuck! Quick!" They all run down.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11He's wedging things. "She's coming, she's coming!"
0:18:11 > 0:18:15As if there's a danger the Queen's boat is going to come along...
0:18:15 > 0:18:18And then the Queen's running away...
0:18:18 > 0:18:22All the thrones get pushed back towards the back of the boat.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23"Aaagh!"
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Yes, it's going to work!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29There were some good bits, though.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31My favourite bit was the concert, seeing Rolf Harris.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I don't know if you saw him, he had on a white jacket. It was funny,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37cos I was watching it with my brother, who's 16, and he doesn't know who Rolf Harris is.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40So he sees a white guy in a white jacket, white hair,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43white beard and glasses, and he goes, "Hey, blud,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"why is the KFC Colonel at the concert?"
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Was it not a bit strange that they built that really elaborate,
0:18:51 > 0:18:56beautiful rowboat called The Gloriana for the Queen and yet...
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Was it just me who thought, "It's a bit weird she's not on it?"
0:18:59 > 0:19:02The only person who was on it was Clare Balding.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05There's thousands of foreign tourists
0:19:05 > 0:19:07who think that Clare Balding is the Queen.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- AMERICAN ACCENT:- "I saw the British Queen the other day.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"Looks like she can handle herself in a pub fight."
0:19:14 > 0:19:17APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:22All the Americans said happy birthday to her, was that a...?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Grace Jones, who had a hula hoop for the last...
0:19:24 > 0:19:28randomly walks out hula hooping.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31"Slave to the rhythm." That was the weirdest thing!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I genuinely thought, "Am I the only one seeing this?"
0:19:34 > 0:19:37"Slave to the rhythm."
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Who booked Grace Jones? - She wasn't hula hooping.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44She'd been imprisoned by the elders of Krypton.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46You've got to be very careful.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I learned from Twitter, you've got to be very careful.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51On the night of the concert, I had the temerity at one stage -
0:19:51 > 0:19:54cos there was an Ireland football match on at the same time,
0:19:54 > 0:19:55and Twitter's a global media -
0:19:55 > 0:19:58and I was going, "Oh, this is the score at the moment," for loads of Irish people,
0:19:58 > 0:20:03and loads of people tweeted me going, "Nobody cares! #Jubilee."
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Like I walked onto the stage and went, "Yeah, yeah, Rolf, put a sock in it. It's 0-0."
0:20:09 > 0:20:11And then walked off.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15And in a year when we've had such a campaign against knife crime,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17we have Tom Jones going...
0:20:17 > 0:20:19# I felt the knife in my hand
0:20:19 > 0:20:23# And she laughed no more. #
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Why is the weather making headlines?
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Cos the weather outside is frightful.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Although the fire inside is delightful.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Since there's no place to go...
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Basically, they've had some problems with caravans, haven't they?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41That is putting it mildly.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44"They have had some problems with caravans."
0:20:44 > 0:20:48The thing about caravans is, you can actually move them!
0:20:54 > 0:20:58There was a static caravan park I felt particularly bad for.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"Hello, I'd like to complain about my static caravan."
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"What seems to be the problem?"
0:21:02 > 0:21:06"I'll tell you what the problem is - it's not quite as static as I was led to believe."
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Do you think George Osborne is somewhere, going,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"If the VAT doesn't get you, the weather will."
0:21:12 > 0:21:13LAUGHS EVILLY
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- That was in Wales, right? - That was in Wales.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20I saw an interview online and they interviewed some woman who was on one of those sailboat things.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22They were having their honeymoon and it got destroyed.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25She said, "Oh, it's a disaster. It's a disaster."
0:21:25 > 0:21:26All I could think was,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29"If you're married to a man who's taken you on a honeymoon
0:21:29 > 0:21:31"to Wales to spend time in a caravan,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33"it's already a bloody disaster."
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Literally, insult to injury being added there.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45If you're watching the show, just to cheer up, sorry about that.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49I just wonder with the hosepipe ban, do people ring up going,
0:21:49 > 0:21:53"Am I still allowed to use it to tether myself to a rock,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56"so I don't get washed away by the flood?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59"Does that break the rules of the hosepipe ban?"
0:21:59 > 0:22:03In Littlehampton, where did they put the flood victims?
0:22:03 > 0:22:07They put them in the local swimming baths overnight.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I mean, that's just taking the piss, isn't it?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15It would be like putting earthquake victims in a bouncy castle.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22The person I blame is the guy who was interviewed two months ago
0:22:22 > 0:22:24when there was two weeks of rain,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26and they said, "Well, surely the drought is over now?"
0:22:26 > 0:22:31He went, "Oh, no, no, no. You need another six weeks of rain to deal with the drought."
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Well, we've got it! Happy now?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40And the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Justice!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52so if everyone can make their way to the performance area,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I'll read out this week's topics
0:22:54 > 0:22:56and we'll see what our panels come up with.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58The first subject is...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Unlikely things to hear at an awards ceremony.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05And the winner is...Dara O'Briain!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14And the award for driver of the year goes to
0:23:14 > 0:23:17David Cameron for his perfectly executed U-turns.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Welcome to the National Insincerity Awards,
0:23:25 > 0:23:29and can I say what a pleasure it is to be here.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34And soap of the year goes to
0:23:34 > 0:23:37doof-doof, doof-doof, doo-doo, doo-doo,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Coronation Street.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Would you please welcome your host for the night - Dec.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56And the award for best actress this evening goes to John Travolta's wife.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Father of the year is... David Cameron!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10And, predictably, for the 50th year running,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14the rear of the year has been won by the same man.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Come on up, Chris. It's a Chris Rea joke.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30And the award for best film - cling, clingfilm.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Oh! Oh, that was all right, was it?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- That's bullshit, Dara. - It's all politics, man.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44This is the point in the psychic awards
0:24:44 > 0:24:48when we like to remember those we lost next year.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Well, they said it was ill-advised,
0:24:54 > 0:24:58but welcome to the first witness protection scheme awards.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08And the award for most cleavage on view goes to Eamonn Holmes' arse.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Well, now our final category - category C.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20There are three sex offenders nominated tonight.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25And I'd just like to say to the wife at home,
0:25:25 > 0:25:29you'd better not be there when get home, sister, cos I'm big time now.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37And the best posthumously-released rap record goes to
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Kim Jong for "I Told You I Was Ill".
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Too late. Too late.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55And to present best film in a foreign language,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58would you please welcome Nick Griffin.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05And the winner of rear of the year goes to Chris Rea!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07LOUD CHEERING
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Our next topic is unlikely lines from a thriller.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23What more evidence do you need that there is a mole? Look at the lawn!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Your wife's head in a box.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You must be the most unlucky contestant ever on Deal Or No Deal.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43What colour wire do I have to cut?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46The lilac, the mauve, the salmon pink or the fuchsia?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I want to make you a vodka Martini.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54You can't handle vermouth.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" she purred.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14"Yes, it is a gun in my pocket and I've just shot my cock off."
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I'm telling you, there will be no attack.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24This is a side picked by Roy Hodgson.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31So, Mr Bond, we meet...
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Aargh! Flipping cat!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I'm telling you, Captain, I work best alone.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Or sometimes in a team.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Basically, I'm saying I'm flexible.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52So, Mr Bond, we meet at last.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Why didn't we ever Skype?
0:28:00 > 0:28:04I would like to gently lift your horse's foot.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06You can't handle the hoof!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15That's human liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18but the entertainment was excellent and he was an lovely host,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21so I'm going to give Hannibal seven out of ten.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28"Here's Johnny!"
0:28:28 > 0:28:31"Do you mind? I'm trying to have a shit in here."
0:28:34 > 0:28:38"This prostitute isn't dead," said the Norwegian detective.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41"She's just pining for the fjords."
0:28:46 > 0:28:52As his eyes gradually became accustomed to the shadowy darkness,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54he realised he was not alone in that room.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56GASPS
0:28:56 > 0:28:57"Who is it?"
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- SQUEAKY VOICE: - "It's me, Peter Andre!"
0:29:03 > 0:29:07OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris!
0:29:15 > 0:29:17And that's the end of the show.
0:29:17 > 0:29:22This week's winners - Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.
0:29:24 > 0:29:30Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Nathan Caton and Micky Flanagan.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:29:43 > 0:29:46# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:29:48 > 0:29:51# Read all about it
0:29:51 > 0:29:53# Read all about it
0:29:53 > 0:29:56# News of the world News of the world. #