:00:43. > :00:49.This programme contains strong CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:00:49. > :00:54.Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this
:00:54. > :00:58.week are Joe Wilkinson, Josh Widdicombe, Milton Jones and also,
:00:58. > :01:01.Hugh Dennis, Andy Parsons and Chris Addison.
:01:01. > :01:04.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called if
:01:04. > :01:08.this is the answer, what is the question. On the board are six
:01:08. > :01:12.categories. Joe, which would you like? Politics, please.
:01:12. > :01:20.Thank you very much, your category is politics. And the answer is, 8%.
:01:20. > :01:26.What is the question? Is Is it how much of my body isn't covered in
:01:26. > :01:32.hair? No. No, it is not that. in fact how much of Abu Hamza would
:01:32. > :01:37.have to be removed so as they can get him through the Heathrow metal
:01:37. > :01:42.detectors? APPLAUSE
:01:42. > :01:46.What does Mario Balotelli give every game?! What is the chance of
:01:46. > :01:50.the police responding quickly to an incident at Andrew Mitchell's
:01:50. > :01:54.house? Is it how much of Ann Robinson's
:01:54. > :02:04.face can still move? Is it what looks like an obese
:02:04. > :02:07.
:02:07. > :02:12.parent and two obese children on a Is it how many people involved with
:02:12. > :02:19.the making of the film Innocence Of The Muslims still think all
:02:19. > :02:29.publicity is good publicity? Is it what percentage of X Factor
:02:29. > :02:29.
:02:29. > :02:33.finalists haven't had a granny die? What percentage of Americans have
:02:33. > :02:43.approached Dr Dre for medical advice? What level of erection did
:02:43. > :02:44.
:02:44. > :02:49.I once try and have sex with? Do you measure like on that scale
:02:49. > :02:55.or... Itage of you going out on the pull chebing your wallet before you
:02:55. > :03:01.go out, condom, from tractor -- checking. Is it what's Nick Clegg's
:03:01. > :03:05.rating approval in his own family? Is it in deprived areas, how many
:03:05. > :03:10.lollipop ladies get licked to death?
:03:10. > :03:16.OK, what do you think? What percentage of people think they
:03:16. > :03:20.would vote for the Liberal Democrats? Yes, that's absolutely
:03:20. > :03:22.right. No! In opinion polls what percentage of the British public
:03:22. > :03:25.say they would vote for the Liberal Democrats at the next general
:03:25. > :03:29.election. This is the news that according to the latest figures at
:03:29. > :03:33.the start of the Lib Dem Conference, the party is the fourth most
:03:33. > :03:40.popular in the UK, Labour are in the lead with 42%, the
:03:40. > :03:45.Conservatives are in 32% with the UK Independence Party with 10%. How
:03:45. > :03:52.unpopular is Nick Clegg? He could improve his popularity by changing
:03:52. > :03:55.his name to Colonel Gaddafi. UKIP are now third. Nick Clegg said he
:03:55. > :04:00.wanted to create three Party Politics didn't he and he's
:04:01. > :04:03.achieved that but sadly his part eye's not one of them. I've done
:04:03. > :04:08.some door-to-door canvassing for the Lib Dems and it's always the
:04:08. > :04:17.same, you know, the lite comes on, people come downstairs in pajamas
:04:17. > :04:20.and people are angry. They keep on having a go at these kind of people
:04:20. > :04:24.doing this offshore banking go, they live in Britain but they are
:04:24. > :04:29.banking in the Cayman Islands, they've got the best of both world
:04:29. > :04:37.worlds. That's not the best of both worlds. The best of both is banking
:04:37. > :04:45.in the Cayman Islands and living in the Cayman Islands. It's like, "I'm
:04:45. > :04:49.banking in the Cayman Islands but I live in Roehampton". If you leave
:04:49. > :04:58.college �25,000 in debt and you need a 20% deposit, how are you
:04:58. > :05:06.ever going to get your own home. The average age of people getting
:05:06. > :05:12.their first home is 35. People will soon be buying houses when they're
:05:12. > :05:14.holding the bars. A nice old lady going up the stairs going, I love
:05:14. > :05:24.my independence! Bring a girl back to the house.
:05:24. > :05:30.Shall we take things upstairs (mimics a stairlift) Followed by
:05:30. > :05:33.the nurse bringing them back. is a picture of the Chief Whip
:05:33. > :05:40.Andrew Mitchell arriving by bike at work. Sum up this picture with a
:05:40. > :05:48.phrase. Cock on a bike. Is it Chris Hoy Haslett himself go since the
:05:48. > :05:55.Olympics. Chief Whip chased by giant chest chess pawn. Is it
:05:55. > :06:02.Spielberg disappointed with the sequel to ET? Is he simply shouting
:06:02. > :06:09."open the F -ing gate, you plebby scum". Is he the only person that
:06:09. > :06:12.will be left in next year's Tour de France. What is the story? Very
:06:12. > :06:16.interesting. He has been accused of abusing, verbally, a policeman at
:06:16. > :06:20.the gates to Downing Street who wouldn't let him through and the
:06:20. > :06:26.main gates, he forced him to go through the pedestrian gates, he
:06:26. > :06:32.swore at the policeman and called him a pleb. It's the word pleb.
:06:32. > :06:36.It's the word whreb. I'm sure the police officer's heard worse --
:06:37. > :06:42.pleb. I'm sure he didn't say to his wife, oh, my God, someone dropped
:06:42. > :06:46.the p-bomb at work today, my east have never heard such a thing. It's
:06:46. > :06:51.the kind of thing you hear at school, like someone gives you a
:06:51. > :06:57.wedgie. I'd take that as a compliment. Michael Gove is
:06:57. > :07:07.presumably thinking that's a Latin word that,'s good, that's a
:07:07. > :07:14.classical education. Mitchell said they changed the word. I can't read
:07:14. > :07:17.out what words he said he said because he didn't tell us. These
:07:17. > :07:21.are the people charged with protecting him. You don't want to
:07:21. > :07:26.upset him. Oh, yes, Ian Huntley catch Mr Mitchell as he fell from
:07:26. > :07:30.the second floor of the building! Because I didn't think he'd want me
:07:30. > :07:37.to touch him give than I'm a pleb. As we took his body out of Downing
:07:37. > :07:42.Street, we took him through the main gate, it's what he would have
:07:42. > :07:50.wanted! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:07:50. > :07:53.The fact that he rides a Mary Poppins bicycle... It's difficult
:07:53. > :07:59.because you have got to decide who you are going to trust, a policeman
:07:59. > :08:05.or a Tory MP. Very difficult to know which is more likely to lie to
:08:05. > :08:09.you. A lot of Tory MPs. So last week! Hillsborough, 23 years!
:08:09. > :08:15.That's what the joke is about. How quick are our audience. Are you
:08:15. > :08:23.keeping up with the papers at all?! Is that the only source you have
:08:23. > :08:30.for this. Do you think abusing the audience helps? Yes! "oooo". How
:08:30. > :08:36.low is your shock threshold? Yes, fucking get a grip!
:08:36. > :08:40.Fucking plebs. It's not surprising that they
:08:40. > :08:45.abused the police though. They're the Mitchells, always abusing the
:08:45. > :08:53.police, he's probably been down the Vic going, I did it but blood is
:08:53. > :08:58.thicker than water, Phil. I didn't call 'em you plebs, I called 'em
:08:58. > :09:02.you slags. You don't run the Government, you toilet. One of the
:09:02. > :09:05.details was that he'd come from a curry house and in the Sun it was
:09:05. > :09:10.reported that he went for an Indian then to the gates of Downing Street
:09:10. > :09:14.where he let rip. That is not what you want to hear
:09:14. > :09:19.at all. If you don't think the gates are going to open quickly,
:09:20. > :09:23.you walk up and go (mimics fart) Mitchell says he didn't say pleb
:09:23. > :09:32.but the people who said he did were the Sun and I believe them because
:09:32. > :09:39.who else has better access to police files?!
:09:39. > :09:45.What?! The coach from the Sun? Pushed it too far now, Addison, had
:09:46. > :09:48.a go at the Sun. At Murdochs, yes, how dare you, that poor old
:09:48. > :09:54.defenceless man?! No-one was looking at that picture going, is
:09:54. > :09:59.he going to reveal himself to be posh, I wonder?
:10:00. > :10:09.He seems to have a very odd bicycle that you cycle with both feet at
:10:10. > :10:18.
:10:18. > :10:28.At the end of that round, the points go to Hugh, Andy and Chris.
:10:28. > :10:34.
:10:34. > :10:40.Now we play a round called, loock, it's PC Pleb. This round involves
:10:40. > :10:43.Joe, Josh and Milton. The first Joe, Josh and Milton. The first
:10:43. > :10:49.topic, please. The first topic is catering. Anyone come in on that?
:10:49. > :10:54.Josh? I erm, my favourite place to eat is the breakfast buffet in a
:10:54. > :10:58.hotel. At a breakfast buffet, I'll eat absolutely everything. At home,
:10:58. > :11:02.I'll have cereal or toast for breakfast. A breakfast buffet, I'm
:11:02. > :11:07.having cereal and toast as my starter. In combinations you would
:11:07. > :11:14.never consider at home. What have I got, eight hash browns, topped with
:11:14. > :11:19.some Dutch cheese actually. And four pound of chocolate, six
:11:19. > :11:21.croissants, segments of a fruit I've never heard of and 12 of the
:11:22. > :11:27.smallest orange juices you have ever seen in your life. I eat so
:11:27. > :11:31.much at a breakfast buffet, I'm so tired I have to go back to bed and
:11:32. > :11:41.then sleep through to my next breakfast buffet, mixing the
:11:41. > :11:48.cereals, corn corn Quorn Shreddies. Who do people think I am? Heston
:11:48. > :11:55.Blumenthal. In Nando's they give you the refill cup, I would be an
:11:55. > :11:59.idiot not to have a Spranta, yes. I've got to have a Sprocafola. What
:11:59. > :12:03.does it taste like? Utter shit! Thank you very much.
:12:03. > :12:11.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's have a look at the next
:12:11. > :12:16.subject. The topic is smoking. Joe?
:12:16. > :12:20.Erm... I've actually given up smoking which... Well that's a lie.
:12:20. > :12:28.Erm, I'll be honest with you, I'm one of those pricks that says
:12:28. > :12:34.they've given up and then goes to the pub and smokes yours. Cos when
:12:34. > :12:39.I was a proper smoker, I hated pricks like that. You know, someone
:12:39. > :12:42.comes up to you and goes, swu got a spare cigarette, I would go, no,
:12:42. > :12:51.because unfortunately, I'm addicted to 'em which means I pretty much
:12:51. > :12:57.take a shine toe all of 'em. Have you got a spare cigarette, yes, I
:12:57. > :13:05.do weirdly because I'm a 19-a-day man, weirdly enough, myself. Go
:13:05. > :13:15.away, you knobhead. Warnings do nothing for me, they're
:13:15. > :13:17.
:13:17. > :13:22.quite drastic things "smoking kills". So?! All that horrible
:13:22. > :13:27.picture things. Bloody hell. I've come up with a couple of ideas to
:13:27. > :13:36.get people to stop smoking. Only ideas. You could put a warning on
:13:36. > :13:41.cigarette pacts that says, one of these fags has been up a dog's arse.
:13:41. > :13:49.-- packets. Yes, I think that would separate the men from the boys. Or,
:13:49. > :13:57.simply make cigarettes cock-shaped. Thank you very much.
:13:57. > :14:07.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So that leaves Milton. Let's see
:14:07. > :14:13.
:14:13. > :14:20.That last bloke was a bit weird, wasn't he?! Anyway, I went back to
:14:20. > :14:24.my old school the other day, first time in 30 year, I took a note.
:14:24. > :14:32.LAUGHTER Teacher said, so, Jones, what have
:14:32. > :14:36.you done with your life?. I said I'm Britain's top Ofsted inspector.
:14:36. > :14:46.He was nicer to me after that. There for the funeral of my old
:14:46. > :14:48.
:14:48. > :14:53.science teacher. He asked me to say a few words so I did. Method. Put
:14:53. > :15:01.the coffin in the crematorium. LAUGHTER
:15:01. > :15:08.Observations. We burn with an orangey bright
:15:08. > :15:17.flame. LAUGHTER
:15:17. > :15:27.Conclusion - no more homework. LAUGHTER
:15:27. > :15:32.
:15:32. > :15:36.Next round is called headliners, here is a picture of the American
:15:36. > :15:41.presidential candidate, but what does this stand for? Frankster
:15:41. > :15:46.removes Romney's teeth? There's nothing there, is there? Looking at
:15:46. > :15:56.Obama's ears, President really resembles trophy.
:15:56. > :15:58.
:15:58. > :16:04.Obama saying, PRRT, seven letters, Belgian deDefence Secretaryive. --
:16:04. > :16:09.Belgian detective. Is it public reaction reaches tepid. Is it in a
:16:09. > :16:15.Yorkshire accent, politicians right rubbish, tut.
:16:15. > :16:20.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The correct answer? President reads
:16:20. > :16:28.Radio Times? Not President reads Radio Times! Is it presidential
:16:28. > :16:33.race remains tight? Well done. Yes, presidential race remains tight.
:16:33. > :16:38.With less than seven weeks to go, the race to win the presidency of
:16:38. > :16:45.the US race is hotting up. President Obama and Mitt Romney are
:16:45. > :16:50.still close, despite Mitt Romney completing a series of gaffes.
:16:50. > :16:54.think I preferred Romney in Only Fools And Horses. You plonker.
:16:54. > :17:00.got the Republican nomination this year but four years ago he lost out
:17:00. > :17:04.to John McCain, John McCain lost out eight years previously to
:17:04. > :17:09.George W Bush. So you're thinking, how poor are the Republicans at the
:17:09. > :17:14.moment that the best person they can find is somebody who wasn't
:17:14. > :17:17.quite as good as the bloke who wasn't quite as good who is George
:17:17. > :17:21.W Bush? APPLAUSE
:17:21. > :17:25.McCain doesn't like any of that, he's got a real chip on his
:17:25. > :17:32.shoulder. This time around, he's only the best of a bad bunch.
:17:32. > :17:40.There's newt gring rich who he beat to the nomination, -- Newt
:17:40. > :17:45.Beginningrich. He would have been the first -- Newt Gingrich. He
:17:45. > :17:50.would have been the first President to use his porn name.
:17:50. > :17:57.Accused of making himself look dark tore appeal to the Latino community.
:17:57. > :18:04.I thought it went far when he was shaking that rack kas.
:18:04. > :18:08.aeroplane gaffe, did you hear about that? Yes. -- Maraccas. Was it his
:18:08. > :18:13.wife wanted to smoke on an aeroplane? No, his wife's plane was
:18:13. > :18:23.forced to make an emergency landing because of fire, that's not the
:18:23. > :18:24.
:18:25. > :18:34.same! A light tore the ceiling going fwwww. Imagine the arsonist
:18:34. > :18:42.going, but it lives, the flame lives. It would be a gaffe. At the
:18:42. > :18:46.convention, it would be like, stop, stop, stop. (blowing flame out)
:18:46. > :18:51.Constantly patting out flames. was on a plane, had to make an
:18:51. > :18:55.emergency landing because of fire. He said it's a huge relief to have
:18:55. > :18:58.her here. When you have fire in an aircraft, there's no place to go.
:18:58. > :19:03.You can't find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the
:19:03. > :19:13.aircraft because the windows don't open. I don't know why they do that,
:19:13. > :19:20.
:19:20. > :19:24.I would like to get a bit more air into the plane where the fire is! I
:19:25. > :19:29.don't know what worries me more, that he doesn't understand how air
:19:29. > :19:34.planes work or that he doesn't understand how FIRE works.
:19:34. > :19:39.suggested they use the petrol to put out the fire! Douse her in
:19:39. > :19:44.petrol, that'll keep her quiet for a while. All newspapers, all
:19:44. > :19:50.newspapers. Pass your in-flight magazines. Smother it in shavings
:19:50. > :19:55.of mud. It seems to be getting bigger!
:19:55. > :20:00.Did he not also say of his wife that he wasn't using her very much
:20:01. > :20:05.on the election campaign in case he got tired of her? Yes, he did say
:20:05. > :20:14.that. She said in an interview, I think that's really unfair, I don't
:20:14. > :20:23.see why anybody would get annoyed with me. He lives, it's beautiful.
:20:23. > :20:30.Hold your tie out. Hold your tie out. Mitt Romney is like a New York
:20:30. > :20:35.muppet. She's got a rot coming off her hand like that "hello, I'm Ann
:20:35. > :20:45.Romney. You should vote for my husband and he'll make all of the
:20:45. > :20:45.
:20:45. > :20:50.windows roll down ". In other news, who are arming themselves with
:20:50. > :20:56.rifles and pots of Nutella? Is it the Loose Women? Not Loose Women.
:20:56. > :21:02.The people that are killing the badgers. I sounded more sad than I
:21:02. > :21:09.was about that. It's the people who're killing the badgers "why,
:21:09. > :21:15.mummy, are the people killing the badgers" (mimics a child) You are
:21:15. > :21:19.the young comic on the show. No need to make yourself sound like an
:21:19. > :21:27.eight-year-old child. Why is the nasty man killing the furry animal.
:21:27. > :21:34.They apparently give cows TB. Cows, badgers, badgers, cows, that may be
:21:34. > :21:37.too black-and-white! APPLAUSE
:21:37. > :21:44.Hugh Dennis! Black-and-white now and it will be
:21:44. > :21:48.black white and read all over! Is that because of the pun or
:21:48. > :21:53.because of the poor badgers. I can't work your moods out. Brian
:21:53. > :21:56.May's against the badger cull. You can see why. He's only got to walk
:21:56. > :22:06.through the countryside without somebody trying to shoot his hair
:22:06. > :22:15.off. What is the name of his organisation? Queen. Queen, yes.
:22:15. > :22:22.Anyone know what it's called? Badger. Whose initials spell TB.
:22:22. > :22:30.Joy Josh has got the badge. A big T and a big B and people are
:22:30. > :22:35.going" That's actually the problem". He owns the world's largest badger
:22:35. > :22:42.according to that picture. A badger of destiny! That badger, he goes,
:22:42. > :22:47.I'm above such tiny considerations. I see far into the future. I see a
:22:47. > :22:52.land where badgers and man can find me. He also appears to be on a
:22:52. > :22:56.Zimmer frame in that photograph so things are not good for Brian. I
:22:56. > :23:02.brought my first doctor home and I shall fill it with badgers,
:23:02. > :23:05.including the giant one. They want to kill 3,000 don't they. I was
:23:05. > :23:15.just wondering what they are going to do with them afterwards because
:23:15. > :23:15.
:23:15. > :23:22.I'm a sort of part-time taxidermist. I really fancy having a Badger Army.
:23:22. > :23:31.I would love to think of you buried with your wp badger Army. If you
:23:31. > :23:36.are -- your Badger Army. All doing separate poses. Particularly if you
:23:36. > :23:43.were enbalmed in Nutella. If you cull too many badgers, you will
:23:43. > :23:53.just force them underground anyway. What celebrity stepped into it?
:23:53. > :23:53.
:23:54. > :24:01.Clarissa Dickson Wright. Do you know what she said. She said
:24:01. > :24:04.(gobbledegook) The winners of that round are Hugh,
:24:04. > :24:08.Andy and Chris. Now scenes we'd like to see. If everyone can make
:24:08. > :24:13.their ways over to the performance area. I'll read the topics and
:24:13. > :24:17.we'll see what the panel can come up with. The first subject is:
:24:17. > :24:19.Unlikely things to hear in a news programme.
:24:19. > :24:29.A tornado's struck the East Coast of America carrying everything with
:24:29. > :24:30.
:24:30. > :24:40.it. Let's go over to our Washington correspondent. In Hawaii.
:24:40. > :24:42.Welcome to Sky News. At the moment, the Sky is blue.
:24:42. > :24:51.APPLAUSE After years of searching, the
:24:51. > :24:54.police say that they are now close to finding who let the dogs out.
:24:54. > :25:04.They have new leads. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:25:04. > :25:05.
:25:05. > :25:11.Right, now, let's go over to the news in the shitty place you live.
:25:11. > :25:17.Scientists have inject add human embryo with Marmite. A woman gave
:25:17. > :25:26.birth to twiglets. Continuing our major story about
:25:26. > :25:30.news organisations hacking people, let's read a few of your e-mails.
:25:30. > :25:36.More on that volcanic eruption in Iceland. Two of the aisles have
:25:36. > :25:46.closed, one of the tills is out of order.
:25:46. > :25:47.
:25:47. > :25:51.This is the world's most literal reporter saying, back to the studio.
:25:51. > :26:01.And now, over to Sue with the weather.
:26:01. > :26:14.
:26:14. > :26:18.I've had her... Our main story, autocue workers
:26:18. > :26:26.complaining... Art willy fart off to the beach, you might see
:26:26. > :26:36.some tits. Let's hope it's a hot one. Oh, no, it's Rob McElwee.
:26:36. > :26:41.
:26:41. > :26:50.And finally,... I'm in the Hague which must be very
:26:51. > :26:54.uncomfortable for him. Quick look at the weather now.
:26:54. > :27:00.APPLAUSE OK, the next topic is: Unlikely
:27:00. > :27:10.things to read on a medical label. Use only if you are immobile or
:27:10. > :27:12.
:27:12. > :27:19.find it difficult to move. Tested on Dara O'Briain. In an emergency,
:27:19. > :27:29.shove the bottle of medicine up your arse. As recommended by
:27:29. > :27:31.
:27:31. > :27:38.Michael Jackson. Chlorobenzoate for the aenueffluence of the trichordic
:27:38. > :27:47.aorta. Does exactly what it says on the tin.
:27:47. > :27:57.Groin cream - not suitable for people with a nut allergy. Home you
:27:57. > :28:00.
:28:00. > :28:07.pathic tablets, side effects none, main effects none.
:28:07. > :28:15.Embarrassed use Anusol. Why not try this - Arse Crack Soothe.
:28:15. > :28:25.Do not eat dairy, otherwise we'll have nowhere to milk the cows.
:28:25. > :28:37.
:28:37. > :28:44.Viagra - it will give you more than Contains sprocksprock and
:28:44. > :28:51.ditetramethyl. Viagra, take before shag or if single strap up for the
:28:51. > :29:01.wank of a lifetime. Don't eat the bottle chubby. Keep
:29:01. > :29:02.
:29:02. > :29:11.out of reach of children. Not the tablets, you!
:29:11. > :29:21.Stor somewhere cool like New York. Pregnancy test - pick up your
:29:21. > :29:22.
:29:22. > :29:29.daughter's boyfriend and shout "was it you?!" The points go to Chris,
:29:29. > :29:38.Hugh and Milton. And that's the end of the show.