0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Brussels sprouts, where do they come from?- Brussels sprouts?
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Well, my arse mainly.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08LAUGHTER
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Ho! Ho! Ho!
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Welcome to the Christmas special.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17This programme contains some strong language
0:00:17 > 0:00:21This programme contains adult humour
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# ..Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# Read all about it
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# Read all about it
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# ..Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:39 > 0:00:43# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Hello and welcome to a very special, festive edition of Mock The Week.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52You know, around this time of year
0:00:52 > 0:00:56I like to look back at all the great things we accomplished during the series.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58There's certainly a lot of great memories -
0:00:58 > 0:01:00inventing Monsoon Poultry Hospital,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02turning Andy Murray into a world beater,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05discovering that I look quite a lot like a penis sausage.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09These are great, great times. In fact this year's been so good, as a Christmas bonus,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12we're going to give you two shows rolled into one.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15They'll be the usual mix of out-takes, unseen material and favourite moments,
0:01:15 > 0:01:21followed by the very best Christmas clips from years gone by.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22I hope you enjoy it.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25APPLAUSE
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Why will Sir Ranulph Fiennes not be at home for Christmas?
0:01:28 > 0:01:29He'll be dead.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32He's dead in the snow.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Like that.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34That's why.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Why...? Surely you'd freeze like that.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Why is it people always freeze...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40like that.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43He's walking across the, er... the South Pole.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44For Christmas.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- For Christmas.- I love that song.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50# Walking across the South Pole for Christmas... #
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- Chris Rea's best work.- # ..I'm gonna lose my upper limbs... #
0:01:52 > 0:01:54They reckon for Ranulph Fiennes...
0:01:54 > 0:01:57They reckon it's going to be minus 90 at some point.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Minus 90.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02A popularity rating Nick Clegg would kill for.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:08 > 0:02:11He said it's the most hostile environment on Earth,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14but he's clearly never been in a Wetherspoons at breakfast time.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17It was his partner that came up with the idea, isn't it?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It wasn't him that came up with the idea,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21and his partner's not going, which I love.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24"Yeah, we're going to go across the South Pole at winter. You coming?"
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"Naaaah...
0:02:26 > 0:02:28"You go. I'll watch from here."
0:02:28 > 0:02:31His partner said it's cos he would miss out on his pension.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- You what?- That is the worst excuse I've ever heard.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Hang on, who would miss out? Oh, the partner isn't going because he'd miss out?
0:02:38 > 0:02:43Yeah, he said it'd affect his pension. Mainly because he'd die, I imagine.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Well, he was 65, wasn't he? - Hang on, his pension?
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Is he...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- His partner's pension. - Well, I read this.- Is he gay?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- No.- What?- No, no, no! His travel partner.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Oh, his travel... Oh, God, I thought I'd missed a big story along the way about Ranulph Fiennes.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00"We're going to go across the Arctic at night,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02"and we are going to look amazing...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04"No-one's going to be able to see us!"
0:03:04 > 0:03:08That's not fur for warmth, that's just a big headdress like in the Village People.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Yeah.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10THEY LAUGH
0:03:10 > 0:03:14He's done everything, Ranulph Fiennes. He's climbed Everest, he's been over both of the poles,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17he's found the Lost City of Iram,
0:03:17 > 0:03:21he's taken an expedition up the White Nile...
0:03:21 > 0:03:22You can't help thinking,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24"Is everything all right at home?"
0:03:24 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"What are you running from, Ranulph?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"What are you running away from?"
0:03:31 > 0:03:33He took...on that expedition where he sawed his fingers off,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36that was with a saw that apparently he'd taken
0:03:36 > 0:03:39in case he needed to saw his fingers off.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40That is pessimism, isn't it?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43The best thing is now you can actually get that as an app.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I was actually... I was in Siberia not that long ago,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50minus 52 degrees, right?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52And it was so cold, we were told, we were in a tent,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54if we went outside for a piss, right,
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- we had to shake as we pissed, cos otherwise it was going to freeze back...- Oh, God!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00..onto our penis, right?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I'll tell you, that was a hell of a quick piss.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Nothing frightens you more than you thinking you might get frostbite of the penis.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Which was when I was quite grateful I've still got a foreskin,
0:04:09 > 0:04:13cos I figured if I did, I'd still have a little bit to lose, and it wouldn't actually matter.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16APPLAUSE
0:04:16 > 0:04:17It'd be quite a thing.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Just to come out of a tent in the morning,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22and see like a sculpture of kind of half arcs of piss.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Quite dangerous - "Argh!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28"Andy, why don't you go further away from the tent?!"
0:04:30 > 0:04:35Yes, it's Christmas time and we hope you're all enjoying the season at home as much as we are here.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37In October. But now...
0:04:37 > 0:04:41In the past, people have said we don't try hard enough to be festive on this show,
0:04:41 > 0:04:45so this year we're going the extra mile. We've decided to buy each other Christmas presents.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48So let's see what everyone got. Chris, I'm going to go to you first.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49OK, um...yeah.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Well, my first present is for...I've bought everybody a bit of headgear.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- That's for Hugh. - Have I got to put it on?
0:04:55 > 0:05:00- Yeah, you've got to put it on, yeah. - That'd be nice.- It's Christmas Day, you've got to do that, haven't you?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Because Hugh is our captain, Dara...
0:05:01 > 0:05:05The middle section denotes captaincy, he's the captain...
0:05:05 > 0:05:08No captaincies, no seniority, no points.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- I'm also going to be in fantasy... whatsit... What's it called? - It's called The Love Boat.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Looks more like a remake of the Village People at the moment.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17For Andy...
0:05:17 > 0:05:22Andy, I got a... I know what it's like going out in public with people hassling you and stuff,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- I bought Andy a...- Were you having a look at my present there? - I was, yeah!
0:05:25 > 0:05:30I've got Andy a disguise so he can disguise himself so nobody will know it's Andy.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32LAUGHTER
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Nobody will be able to tell it's him.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Yeah.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38And for Dara, I just got a lovely hat.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Aah.- For him to wear. It's a lovely hat.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45It's a normal sized hat for a normal sized head. Completely normal sized hat.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:52 > 0:05:54In other news, what is going on here?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Aah...
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Is Andy Murray stupidly about to post his gold medals?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Where is Andy Murray?- Andy Murray is in Dunblane in Scotland.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06This is his homecoming after winning the US Open,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08which was a surprise to me as I had no idea he played golf.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- Andy Murray, a man who actually came along to our studios, didn't he? - Yes, indeed he did.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Came along after he'd lost Wimbledon...- Yeah.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And then after we'd all taken the piss out of him,
0:06:19 > 0:06:23- he went off and he won the Olympics, and he won the US Open!- Yes.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28I think all sportspeople who are struggling should come into the audience of the show.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Let's get Paula Radcliffe, Phillips Idowu, Nick Clegg...
0:06:32 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:35It'd be brilliant, wouldn't it?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37They had one of those golden letterboxes in Dunblane,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40but being Scotland, they didn't paint it, they just covered it in batter.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:44That's dangerous, there are a lot of teeth missing now.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48"What the shite is this?!"
0:06:50 > 0:06:52This is a good time, if we can keep that picture up,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55it's a good time to get my only contribution to this bit in,
0:06:55 > 0:06:56cos I'm an adult, I'm 44 years of age.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59His head's the same width as his neck, weird.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I think my work here is done.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11How do you think that woman - the one to his right -
0:07:11 > 0:07:14how do you think she feels about being dressed as a postbox?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Off the top of my head...
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I'm glad Scotland have got a new hero cos, look, far left,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Rod Stewart's let himself go, hasn't he?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Boom! Boom!
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Our next round is called News Reel. We play in a recent piece of footage
0:07:32 > 0:07:36featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38This week's clip features the royal family.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41MIMICKING PRINCE PHILIP: "Thank God that's over. What a terrible way
0:07:41 > 0:07:46"to spend Christmas. Let's pop back to the palace. Oh, God, no..."
0:07:46 > 0:07:49POSH ACCENT: "I don't know if Your Majesty is staying
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"for Christmas lunch, but if so, here's the menu.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"May I recommend the chicken nuggets on page four."
0:07:54 > 0:07:57MIMICKING THE QUEEN: "No, I'm afraid not. We're going back to the palace
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"for a turkey Pot Noodle."
0:07:59 > 0:08:02MIMICKING PRINCE PHILIP: "Well done, Liz... Oh, God, look
0:08:02 > 0:08:05"he's brought me a bloody wine list! I don't want wine!
0:08:05 > 0:08:09"I'm brimful of sherry. In fact, I'm bursting for a piss.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12"Oh, there's no escape, Liz.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16"Did you say the Pot Noodle was turkey? I'd have preferred osprey.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22"I'm no expert, but that looks, to me, far too small
0:08:22 > 0:08:24"and it's full of holes. You could strain the sprouts with that."
0:08:24 > 0:08:27POSH ACCENT: "The real one, Your Highness, is much bigger
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"and solid, it is."
0:08:29 > 0:08:32MIMICKING PRINCE PHILIP: "Is it? How interesting. Yes."
0:08:32 > 0:08:34POSH ACCENT: "Would Your Majesty care to look at the keel?"
0:08:34 > 0:08:38MIMICKING PRINCE PHILIP: "Yes... Is there lavatory on here?
0:08:38 > 0:08:42"I'm somewhat brimful of eggnog. Right up to the Plimsoll line.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"Ooh! Who's up there?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"Oh, damn protestors.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"I wish I'd brought my gun.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"They didn't do that, did they?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"Look, I'm not sure I can hold on much longer.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58"There must be... Excuse me, is there a lavatory on board this boat?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02"It's just that, in a moment, I'm going to have to go over the side."
0:09:02 > 0:09:06MIMICKING THE QUEEN: "The photo? Yes, I used a very long lens."
0:09:06 > 0:09:10MIMICKING PRINCE PHILIP: "Is there a lavatory down here or is it up there?
0:09:10 > 0:09:15"There must be a lavatory somewhere! Oh, perhaps it's in there. Yes.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19"Out of my way, man! I need to use the yellow pressure washer.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"In we go. That's it. I'm off.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"That's it. Hang on. Oooh, that's better.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"Oooh, that's better.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30"# Oh, life on the ocean wave... #
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"Ah, got there just in time, Liz. New record as well.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"I was in there for 20 minutes.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37"I'm not sure it actually was a lavatory, but anyway
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"I started so I finished.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"What? Oh, look at them, yes. Hello."
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"Tossers. Anyway, I hate protestors.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"Can't... I tell you what, I think one of them may have superglued
0:09:50 > 0:09:53"my hand into my pocket.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55"I can't get my hand out of my pocket.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59"I...I can't move... My hand won't come out.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00"Merry Christmas."
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Well done, Hugh Dennis.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Actually, Dara, I got you a present cos, er, you're the main man.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10You take a lot of abuse.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Erm, I hope you don't feel patronised, but it's Angela's Ashes.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21It's about growing up in Ireland and, er...
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Thank you very much.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I'm glad you cleared your cocaine out of the book.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Who are arming themselves with rifles and pots of Nutella?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Is it the Loose Women?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42They're not Loose Women.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45It's the people that are killing the badgers.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I sounded more sad than I was about that.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50You made it sound like the most...
0:10:50 > 0:10:52"It's the people who are killing the badgers. Why, Mummy?
0:10:52 > 0:10:56"Why, Mummy, are the people killing the badgers?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- It's OK.- Why won't somebody check on the badgers?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01It's the people killing the badgers
0:11:01 > 0:11:04because apparently badgers give cows TB.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Cows, badgers. Badgers, Cows.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08That may be too black-and-white.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Hugh Dennis!
0:11:15 > 0:11:19He says black-and-white now, it'll be black-and-white and red all over.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Perfect.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25OK, is that a grown because of the pun or the poor badgers?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I can't work your moods out.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Sorry.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- Brian May, he's against the badger cull.- He's against the badger cull.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36And you can see why, can't you? He's only got to walk through
0:11:36 > 0:11:39the countryside without somebody trying to shoot his hair off.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- What's the name of his organisation?- Queen.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44No!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49His organisation is called?
0:11:49 > 0:11:54- Team Badger.- It's called Team Badger, whose initials spell TB.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- He's not thought it through. - The reason he's protecting badgers is, judging by that picture,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02he owns the world's largest badger.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06What a badger it is! That is like a badger of destiny.
0:12:06 > 0:12:12That badger, he goes, "I'm above such tiny considerations.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13"I see far into the future.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16"I see a land where badgers and man can finally..."
0:12:16 > 0:12:19He also seems, in that photo, to be on a Zimmer frame.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23So it's really not looking good for Brian.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26You know what's weird or wrong about this story,
0:12:26 > 0:12:30is the fact that, to attract the badgers out so they can shoot them,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34they are attract them out with Nutella and peanut butter
0:12:34 > 0:12:38which must be really difficult for people who live locally
0:12:38 > 0:12:39who want to live healthily.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43They go to the doctor, the doctor tells them to go on a diet, go for a walk,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47they go for a nice walk and the fields are full of Nutella.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51They're not going to get any exercise at all, are they?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55The only exercise they'll get is licking the grass.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Do you find Nutella to be so compelling a dish
0:12:57 > 0:13:02that smeared on some grass in a field you would go,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"Mmm, lovely, snack time."
0:13:06 > 0:13:09It would look like something else smeared on the grass in a field.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12You're very much taking your chances there, aren't you?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"Dung again? One day I'll get there."
0:13:15 > 0:13:19What about the badgers that don't come out and are waiting for the toast?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23It is a lot of spread, isn't it?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25They want to kill 3,000, don't they?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29I was just wondering what they were going to do with them afterwards
0:13:29 > 0:13:34because I'm a, sort of, part time taxidermist...
0:13:34 > 0:13:37and I really fancy having a badger army.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43I would love to think of you, Joe, buried with your badger army.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Just your coffin in the middle and radiating outwards,
0:13:47 > 0:13:52a badger army in separate poses ready to attack at different points.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Just you embalmed in Nutella.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Yes.
0:13:55 > 0:14:01If you cull too many badgers, you just force them underground anyway.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- What celebrities have stepped into it?- Clarissa Dickson Wright.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Clarissa Dickson Wright stepped in. Do you know what she said?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09She said...
0:14:09 > 0:14:12HE MUMBLES MOCKINGLY
0:14:12 > 0:14:13..gas mark four.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Yes, yes, very good.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I've got a present for you. It hasn't been wrapped.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- That's all right.- I'm really sorry. It is socks.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I know that's boring, but they're not ordinary socks,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28they're DVT socks...
0:14:30 > 0:14:33..because I'm very worried about how little you move around...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Normally you'd have to worry about it on a long haul flight,
0:14:39 > 0:14:45but I haven't seen you walk for... Well, since 2005.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I've also got a present for Chris, here.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52It's really a present for us, more than anything.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56It's just a game, really. You put that on.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00He just puts that on, OK.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02And then for a long period...
0:15:02 > 0:15:03- ANDY:- You so look like John McEnroe!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06SPEECH COVERED BY LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:07You want me... You do.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11And, erm, long periods of the show when Dara doesn't bother to look at us or
0:15:11 > 0:15:15talk to us, we can just play.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24DEADPAN: This is the best Christmas ever.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28It looks like a Dire Straits video gone wrong.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31You go. Ooh!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I don't see what the pr... Oh, no.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39This is just like my school days, only now I'm wearing a hat.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42No.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55APPLAUSE
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Why was a Preston to London Megabus
0:15:59 > 0:16:02stopped by the police on the motorway this week?
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Just the usual reasons.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07This was the story where a passenger reported
0:16:07 > 0:16:10seeing some smoke coming out of some other passenger's bag,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14thought it was a bomb, turned out it was a fake cigarette
0:16:14 > 0:16:16that was producing water vapour.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Now, let's face it, if you've been pulled over, loads of police
0:16:20 > 0:16:25have arrived, you've got guns in your face, your being accused of being a terrorist,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27that's not going to help you give up smoking, is it?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I've always been freaked out by Megabus.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Is it not the weirdest thing in the world?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Nothing against the bus service itself,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37but when you drive a lot on the motorway,
0:16:37 > 0:16:42the back of the Megabus, when you're driving, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure...
0:16:42 > 0:16:46There's times you just get hypnotised by that weird...
0:16:46 > 0:16:47The main things I've observed,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50firstly, why does that man have such large breasts?
0:16:55 > 0:17:00I was staring at that man's breast going what kind of...
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Where can you go for one pound?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I think you would have to contact Megabus.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- There's an address.- Why do they have to put, "Plus 50p booking fee"?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10As if people are going to go, "Well that's a rip-off."
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"I walked in here with this in my hand
0:17:12 > 0:17:16"expecting to be transported to a faraway land.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"then I find you want more money off me?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21"Screw you, Megabus man."
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Yellow man with enormous bazongas
0:17:23 > 0:17:25looks disappointed behind the counter.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27"Oooh."
0:17:28 > 0:17:30That is...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I apologise. I know that when you're disappointed you don't go,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37"I am disappointed."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Do you know what's really irritating with this?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43in my ear constantly people are going, "Wear the hat! Wear the hat."
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- You've got a hat?- Yeah, they gave me a yellow hat
0:17:46 > 0:17:49because they think I look like the Megabus man.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:01 > 0:18:04That means that that man looks like a penis sausage.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09They should call it penissausage.com.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Oh, something else is called penissausage.con.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16You're just making this up to get everybody to forget that you look like a penis sausage.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19You just look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Oh, no!
0:18:27 > 0:18:32I've lost ownership of the joke now.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Somebody's got another new Twitter avatar.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I'll tell you, I'll tell you what,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I know you've probably got one decent round of applause left in you
0:18:44 > 0:18:47or we may have bled it out, but I really would like to open
0:18:47 > 0:18:51the Christmas thing to people going, "Oh, holy fuck."
0:18:51 > 0:18:53How unpopular is Clegg at the moment?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Oh, man, is he ever unpopular? Sure thing.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01How many Nick Cleggs does it take to change a light bulb?
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Who's Nick Clegg?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04That's how popular he is.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Knock knock.- Who's there? - Nick Clegg.- Nick Clegg who?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09That's showbiz.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15If my surname was Delaney, I'd name my son, Little Boy Who Lived Down.
0:19:19 > 0:19:25I have to say, it's quite depressing that you've got a better joke about my name than I've ever come across.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29After beautifully hitting that high nope... Nope?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Hang on.- Oh, I'm sorry.- Easy, Tiger.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- You thought that was it?- Yeah.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I don't really understand your humour.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42And after beautifully hitting that high note,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45look at the big smile on Posh Spice.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48You were right.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53- OK, you ready?- Yes.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Would you do it... Are you going to do it...?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58No, I'm not going to do it like that.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03- SLURRED:- It's all right, just wanted a bit more coffee.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05No, leave it there!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- OK, stand by.- OK.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Did you enjoy the Olympic Games?- SLURRED:- I did!
0:20:15 > 0:20:20OK, we need you to walk in again because, apparently, Alan, Andy
0:20:20 > 0:20:22and Andi, your walking in was shit.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Who are these two and why are they in the news this week?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30"Who are these two"?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34It is quite beginner, that, sorry. I'll do that again.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Who are these two?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I don't know, Dara. They look like nice man.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Who are they?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43# Like my head...
0:20:43 > 0:20:45# ..around my hat...
0:20:45 > 0:20:46# I will wear the... #
0:20:46 > 0:20:50FOLK SING OVER EACH OTHER
0:20:50 > 0:20:54# Why will he not die? Skywalker... #
0:20:54 > 0:20:57# Go home and die... #
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Why wasn't there any of that at the Olympic opening ceremony?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- Irish rebel songs? - Yes. They weren't all Irish.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06It'd be really weird if they opened
0:21:06 > 0:21:10and a man going, # England has stolen our land. #
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Our next round is called Newsreel. We play in a...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Could you shut the fuck up?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21BUZZER
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Was that for me?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- No, it wasn't, it was the end of his.- Oh, sorry.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I'll let you get to the fucking mic and then I'll buzz.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32BUZZER
0:21:32 > 0:21:35This is the news that Ed Miliband has launched a campaign to make himself
0:21:35 > 0:21:39better known to voters, embracing his geek image and comprehensive school education.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Is this going to make him more appealing?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- No.- OK.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45You know what will make him more appealing?
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Standing him next to a big pile of shit.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Aye, yeah, we're having fun, were having fun. It's great.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54OK, how is that? I'll just do this. Are you testing it?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Are you liking this? Yeah. Is that all right?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Oh, yeah, too hot for TV.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08How's that? Happy Christmas.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12This is the DVD your uncle bought you. Yeah.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I was watching the Paralympic sailing
0:22:14 > 0:22:16and I thought it was quite boring until I realised
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I was actually watching a repeat of Three Men In A Boat.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Boom.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Wow.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- Whose famous face was recently given a makeover?- Is this the Jesus story?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34This is the Jesus story.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38This is this Spanish woman who tried to restore this painting
0:22:38 > 0:22:41and just ruined it.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- She did. Where was the painting? - It was in Spain.- It was in Spain.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Where the Spanish ladies are.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Yes.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52And they do dance well.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54It was in... (SPANISH ACCENT) ..Zaragoza.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56The Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59And the authorities were very cross with her
0:22:59 > 0:23:01because the only people who are allowed to touch up
0:23:01 > 0:23:04in a Catholic Church are, of course, the priests.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Yes, it was a church, the Sanctuary of Mercy Church near Zaragoza
0:23:08 > 0:23:10and there is a century-old...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:14You really brought Spain to life for us there.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19You have to make an effort with foreign names. You can't just be zeds...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- And you say "Parie", do you? - Zaragoza. Zaragoza.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Hhh-Wanker.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- So, anyway... - SPEAKS IN MEXICAN ACCENT
0:23:32 > 0:23:34The worst thing is, I do a Spanish accent
0:23:34 > 0:23:37and it goes Mexican incredibly quickly.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- MEXICAN ACCENT:- The Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44This fresco was incredibly beautiful. They call it el Guapisimo.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Anyway, there was a fresco in a church in Zaragoza.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- Where is the fresco? - It's in a church in Zaragoza, in a church in Zaragoza,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- in a church in Zaragoza. - Zaragoza.- Si.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00- How old was it? - It was a century, 100 years old. - A whole hundred years?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- A whole hundred years. - A whole... What a story this is(!)
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Somebody has touched up a 100-year-old painting on a wall.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11It's been a quiet week. Zaragoza is a very sleepy town.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15I think it's much more the case that it was decaying because of where
0:24:15 > 0:24:20it had been painted and this is how the fresco looked originally.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22This was a photo taken some years ago.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28This is the fresco as painted by Elias Garcia Martinez.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Do it. Do it.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36This is how it looked just recently,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39because the plaster in which it was built had decayed.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41This is how it looked now.
0:24:41 > 0:24:47A nice old lady, a Zaragozan lady, went in and repainted it.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51And this is how it looked when she finished.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:24:59 > 0:25:02I think she's done a great job of it.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08"Here's one I sent in earlier."
0:25:08 > 0:25:13HUMS: "Left Bank Two"
0:25:13 > 0:25:16"Old lady, Zaragoza."
0:25:16 > 0:25:19"I am sorry, people of Zaragoza. We cannot return your painting,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23"thank you very much for sending it in to Mock The Week's gallery."
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Because it's painted on a wall in a church.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29She's actually made Jesus look like a Teletubby.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33She also rounded him of, rounded the whole thing.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36She thought she'd done a really good job, though,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39because everyone she showed it to went, "Jesus Christ!"
0:25:45 > 0:25:49To be completely fair, we don't actually know what Jesus looked like.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51He didn't look like that.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- You just assume he looked... - "Herro!"- Who knows?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58It could be...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"You're stigmatising me!"
0:26:01 > 0:26:05This might have been a bit from the Bible...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"I'm Jesus!"
0:26:08 > 0:26:11..missing in the Bible where Jesus comes in after a botched face job.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14At the Last Supper, everybody says, "Have you had any work done, Jesus?"
0:26:14 > 0:26:17"No. No."
0:26:17 > 0:26:22My furry hat, my furry hat goes all the way around.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25She's actually seeing the restorer next week, because she's got to
0:26:25 > 0:26:29tell the restorer exactly what materials she used.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32And you're thinking all she'll produce is half a potato.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37The irony is, she is probably older than the fucking fresco.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I've got you a present, Dara.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47It's not for you, it is in fact for your 16-month-old son.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52I got him a little outfit and I hope you like it. It's in fact...
0:26:58 > 0:27:05It's a toddler Megabus man outfit so he can dress up like his dad.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08It was either that or a penis sausage.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Oh, how lovely is that?
0:27:15 > 0:27:21What creepy weird kids' clothes shop did you go to to get this tiny
0:27:21 > 0:27:24little... "I'm a minstrel from the 19..."?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# Aye, da, da, da... #
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- What parent ambition... - I get you that and I can't believe you throw it back in my face.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I'm not, I'm keeping it, I think it's fantastic. Thank you very much.
0:27:33 > 0:27:38- No problem at all.- It's very touching, I look forward to never seeing any child of mine in this.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43They're not getting any of the Megabus empire. That is mi-i-i-ine.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47From one pound only. The Megabus empire.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I'll tell you what, you and Hugh have got
0:27:54 > 0:27:57a gay act going strong there.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Look at that.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02# He's the captain, I'm the Megabus He's the captain, I'm the Megabus. #
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Who rides on whom? Difficult to know.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07# He's the captain of the Megabus. #
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Wait, this is now my child's hat.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14OK, the first subject is...
0:28:20 > 0:28:23So now we go back to the kidnap of Louie Spence.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28Police are repeating, if you have any leads, please keep them to yourself.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29BUZZER
0:28:30 > 0:28:32And now, a Crimewatch appeal.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Lend us a tenner, go on.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36BUZZER
0:28:38 > 0:28:39Don't have nightmares.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42In fact, don't go to sleep at all in case somebody breaks in
0:28:42 > 0:28:43and murders you.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47BUZZER
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Police describe the man as looking a bit like a penis,
0:28:50 > 0:28:52a bit like a sausage and armed with a buzzer.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55BUZZER
0:28:59 > 0:29:01A woman appears to have robbed a dairy farm,
0:29:01 > 0:29:05making off with a bin bag filled with cottage cheese.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Oh, no, Kim Kardashian's got leggings on.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10BUZZER
0:29:11 > 0:29:15Do not approach this man. He's a professional counterfeiter.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18He even has the certificates to prove it.
0:29:20 > 0:29:21BUZZER
0:29:23 > 0:29:27And now a new programme. Spring Crimewatch.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31This week, a badger attacks the bastard who tried to kill it.
0:29:31 > 0:29:32BUZZER
0:29:35 > 0:29:38Hello and welcome to Crimewatch.
0:29:38 > 0:29:39Here's a crime.
0:29:39 > 0:29:40Let's watch.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42BUZZER
0:29:46 > 0:29:50Police say do not approach this man, he has an iPhone 5
0:29:50 > 0:29:53and will not shut up about it.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55BUZZER
0:29:56 > 0:30:00And we're just getting news that the superglue prankster
0:30:00 > 0:30:01is still on the loose.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05BUZZER
0:30:08 > 0:30:11The case was closed in 1974 and police have never reopened it.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Mainly because they've forgotten the combination.
0:30:14 > 0:30:15BUZZER
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Police have described the man as being about six foot tall,
0:30:21 > 0:30:23curly brown hair, blue shirt, looks a bit gay.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24Oh, sh...
0:30:26 > 0:30:28BUZZER
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Bang on.
0:30:31 > 0:30:35Did you see a policeman knock over a newspaper seller?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37No, you didn't.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41BUZZER
0:30:44 > 0:30:48This reconstruction starts with some sad piano music.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Never a good sign, is it?
0:30:50 > 0:30:51BUZZER
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Have you seen anyone acting suspiciously?
0:30:57 > 0:30:59You're probably watching Hollyoaks.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03BUZZER
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Do you recognise this man?
0:31:05 > 0:31:07Neither do be. Oh!
0:31:07 > 0:31:10- BUZZER - Wait.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14- I'm not going to be able to protect you.- Do...
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Do you recognise this man?
0:31:18 > 0:31:22Neither do we, but he's apparently been on Celebrity Big Brother.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24BUZZER I think that was worth it, don't you?
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Oh, hello.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31- Oh, hello.- Hello. Didn't I see you on the Tube?- You did.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35You ARE gay, correct.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39- HUGH:- Police have no idea where Mario Balotelli is.
0:31:39 > 0:31:44They're working on the theory that he has disappeared up his own arse.
0:31:44 > 0:31:45BUZZER
0:31:47 > 0:31:51Normally, that's where the Christmas special would end, but not this year. No!
0:31:51 > 0:31:54Stay tuned for a look back at some of the funniest moments from -
0:31:54 > 0:31:56get this - our previous Christmas specials.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Do you enjoy Christmas, do you like the holiday season?
0:32:02 > 0:32:04- Why isn't there any decoration on the set?- I know.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08- It's ridiculous, isn't it? - Without ANY decoration, boys?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10TOOT
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Christmas is here.
0:32:14 > 0:32:20Nothing... Nothing makes Christmas more than a miserable Scot just going...
0:32:20 > 0:32:21TOOT
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Do it now. This should be the opening of the Olympic ceremony.
0:32:27 > 0:32:28TOOT
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- Do you enjoy the Christmas... - I hate Christmas.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39It's like the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan,
0:32:39 > 0:32:42except every third person is a woman puking into a handbag.
0:32:43 > 0:32:49People queueing to get into Yates's wine lodge. That sums up Christmas.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53You're queueing to get into somewhere shit.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57Just women who are praying for the invention of the morning after Bacardi Breezer.
0:33:00 > 0:33:05You make Christmas specials a lot differently than we do in Australia.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09This is most miserable Christmas thing I've ever been involved in.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11This is my worst Christmas.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16And now we come to our special Christmas quiz.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18I ask the panel a series of questions all about the festive
0:33:18 > 0:33:21season in the hope of filling FIVE MINUTES that we're trying to
0:33:21 > 0:33:23get out of this of our special.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26So, teams, here we go. First question,
0:33:26 > 0:33:28what Christmas tradition...
0:33:28 > 0:33:31Note, there are no buzzers or any points.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35This show is not built in any way to accommodate genuine quizzers.
0:33:35 > 0:33:36But nonetheless, you can take a turn.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40Which Christmas tradition was inaugurated by Sir Henry Cole in 1843?
0:33:40 > 0:33:43- Is it the Christmas tree? - It is not the Christmas tree.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45- Arguing with your relatives. - No, it's not that.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Is it holding mistletoe above your head
0:33:48 > 0:33:51and therefore being allowed to sexually harass other people?
0:33:51 > 0:33:53It is not that happy tradition.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Is it waking your children early, saying to them,
0:33:55 > 0:34:00"Oh, it looks like the sleeping pills have worked. Happy Easter"?
0:34:00 > 0:34:04Is it going to church just the once a year, and that's usually at midnight,
0:34:04 > 0:34:08after the pubs have closed because you want one more glass of wine?
0:34:09 > 0:34:12Man, you really want to be desperate for your wine.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16That is something to bring up at an AA meeting. "I sat through God.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20- "That's how much I wanted another drink."- Is it a Christmas stocking?
0:34:20 > 0:34:23- No, it's not a Christmas stocking. - That's a Victorian tradition.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27- Were you trying to mime something there for us?- Christmas carols!
0:34:27 > 0:34:30Yes! Well done, Ed Byrne. Points for him. Congratulations.
0:34:30 > 0:34:31There are no points!
0:34:31 > 0:34:35- I know there are no points.- You promised there would be no points.
0:34:35 > 0:34:39- Name Santa's reindeer. I will take attempts at this. - Donner and Blitzen.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43- Correct.- Prancer and Vixen. - That's two each.- Dasher.- Yes. 3-2.
0:34:43 > 0:34:50- You're doing a duet. - But not Rudolph. That's a lie. - What have we had? I've lost...
0:34:50 > 0:34:55- Vixen and Prancer, Donna and Blitzen. Dasher, Comet.- Bashful.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Bashful, Sleepy, Doc.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01If one is called Comet, one will be called Currys.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet,
0:35:03 > 0:35:05- Vixen, Cupid.- Cupid!- Cupid? - Nobody said Cupid.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08What a ridiculous name for a reindeer, Cupid.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10They must have teased him, with a name like that.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12He must have been the reindeer that they teased.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Reindeer are notoriously shallow, in fairness.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20If the story about Rudolph is anything to go by,
0:35:20 > 0:35:22reindeer are ridiculously shallow.
0:35:22 > 0:35:26They will make fun and slag you off until you get a job with Santa
0:35:26 > 0:35:28and then they will all love you.
0:35:28 > 0:35:29The last line of that song should be...
0:35:29 > 0:35:31"And Rudolph turned around at them
0:35:31 > 0:35:33"and said, 'Well, fuck yous, I'm with Santa now.'"
0:35:34 > 0:35:38- Merry Christmas, everyone. - "Why don't you look at my ass for the entire...?
0:35:38 > 0:35:42"Why don't we fly around the entire world while you look at my hole?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45"It doesn't matter how fast you fly, that's all you're going to see.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47"Ho, ho, ho.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50"All you're going to see is my hairy reindeer ass
0:35:50 > 0:35:53"while we go all around the world. The nose is in the front, bitches.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57"The nose is fighting fog, but you're looking at my ass, Cupid.
0:35:57 > 0:36:01- "And that's all you're getting." - Enjoy your reindeer games.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Oh, can we move on?
0:36:03 > 0:36:07Oh, sorry, is that not festive enough for this ridiculously contrived...
0:36:07 > 0:36:11Sorry, am I not striking the mood in the nation at this stage?
0:36:11 > 0:36:13"Look at it, bitches. Look at that ass!"
0:36:14 > 0:36:18# I see you, baby, shaking that ass Shaking that ass. #
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Ho, ho, ho.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26What honour was the actor Nicolas Cage given this year?
0:36:26 > 0:36:29Nicolas Cage, right.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33He's actually going to be able to turn the Christmas lights on in Bath.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36These, by the way, aren't the lights in Bath.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39Those are the lights in Dundee.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Somebody actually put a note through his door.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45He's got a house in Bath and he has agreed to turn on the lights.
0:36:45 > 0:36:50I put a note through Cheryl Cole's door and apparently,
0:36:50 > 0:36:53that's a matter for the police.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57Not only is it incredible that they've got Nicholas Cage do it,
0:36:57 > 0:37:01but there must have been an incredibly uneasy phone call to Barry Chuckle.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05"Sorry, Barry, Nicolas Cage is doing it."
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Maybe they gave him a part in an action movie
0:37:08 > 0:37:11when he knocks out Vin Diesel by turning round quickly with a plank.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15Do you know what's really awkward about this story? This is genuinely true.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18- Until last week, I was doing it.- Really?
0:37:23 > 0:37:25I was there.
0:37:26 > 0:37:30I was there and then from nowhere, Cage has just jumped...
0:37:30 > 0:37:33All my relatives are like, "Do you want us to sort him out?"
0:37:33 > 0:37:35"No, I don't want you to sort him out."
0:37:35 > 0:37:38"We'll go round there and mess him up." "Don't mess him up."
0:37:38 > 0:37:42- You were originally up for the part in Face/Off, weren't you?- I was.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45And what's really funny about it is the lady who posted the letter
0:37:45 > 0:37:49through the door is the exact lady that went, "Oh, we'd love you to do it. You'd be great!"
0:37:49 > 0:37:53And then I read in the paper, without even telling me, "Nicholas..."
0:37:53 > 0:37:55You bitch!
0:37:57 > 0:38:00About 10 years ago, I switched on the Christmas lights in Kidderminster.
0:38:00 > 0:38:07- What?- What? A, you did it, but B, there are Christmas lights Kidderminster?
0:38:07 > 0:38:09- Were you asked to do this? - Yeah, because we were rude...
0:38:11 > 0:38:15"He's found it again! We had Bruce Willis!"
0:38:15 > 0:38:18We'd been rude about Kidderminster on television,
0:38:18 > 0:38:20got a letter from the Kidderminster tourist board,
0:38:20 > 0:38:24saying, "Would you switch on the lights?" You think, "That'd be great. I'd love to do that."
0:38:24 > 0:38:27But you don't actually do it, because they give you one of those
0:38:27 > 0:38:32enormous pretend switches and you have to go like this on a balcony to
0:38:32 > 0:38:35a crowd below and go, I'm going to press the thing now.
0:38:35 > 0:38:40And you press it and as you press it, a bloke in a room behind turns on a switch.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45- So you're not doing it.- Hang on a minute, that bloke's going to be me.
0:38:45 > 0:38:46I'm going to be the one...
0:38:49 > 0:38:51You were asked to do it because you were rude about it?
0:38:51 > 0:38:54I was rude about Kidderminster. I also did a joke once about Wolverhampton
0:38:54 > 0:38:57and got invited on a tour of Wolverhampton.
0:38:57 > 0:39:02I'm thinking bigger than that. If I slag off Jessica Alba, do I get a tour of Jessica Alba?
0:39:02 > 0:39:05Apparently, Bristol wanted to have Bruce Willis
0:39:05 > 0:39:08switching on their lights but then they remembered that he tends to
0:39:08 > 0:39:10get into a lot of trouble around Christmas time.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17OK, do you know what story struck me during the week? You may not have seen this.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20There was a story in Ireland, the Evening Herald in Dublin last week.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24It's quite moving story about Alzheimer's disease.
0:39:24 > 0:39:25The story was...
0:39:32 > 0:39:35All of which is quite interesting to see.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37The next paragraph I found it difficult to take.
0:39:43 > 0:39:51"..appear to be better protected if they develop Alzheimer's disease, a study suggests."
0:39:51 > 0:39:54That would be all right if it wasn't for the fact the article actually came with
0:39:54 > 0:39:58a giant photograph of me next to the article
0:39:58 > 0:40:01under the words "big head".
0:40:01 > 0:40:04..can protect against Alzheimer's.
0:40:04 > 0:40:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:06 > 0:40:07And...
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Written underneath that was,
0:40:11 > 0:40:14"Extra large: report is good news for Dara O'Briain."
0:40:15 > 0:40:17No, it's not!
0:40:17 > 0:40:19It's not good news, cos I've suddenly realised
0:40:19 > 0:40:21I've got a big head, apparently!
0:40:21 > 0:40:24What d'you mean you've "suddenly realised"?
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Dara! Protect us from the Alzheimer's!
0:40:27 > 0:40:28LAUGHTER
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Back in Canada, I did some modelling, it was for medical...
0:40:31 > 0:40:34It was for penile dysfunction, it was a before and after picture.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37LAUGHTER
0:40:37 > 0:40:38Is this true?
0:40:38 > 0:40:41I didn't model... I don't model for big head things.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43I don't regard myself as having a large head.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45I don't have any difficulty buying hats.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47I don't have difficulty getting into jumpers.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Er, it's...
0:40:49 > 0:40:51- My head has caused me no... - When did those three guys get here?
0:40:51 > 0:40:54LAUGHTER
0:40:54 > 0:40:56APPLAUSE
0:40:56 > 0:40:57You were over there.
0:40:58 > 0:41:02To be fair, a big head doesn't normally cause the owner a problem,
0:41:02 > 0:41:04it causes the owner's mother a problem.
0:41:06 > 0:41:07Have you ever seen Dara...?
0:41:07 > 0:41:10It's smaller than my hips, for God's sake!
0:41:10 > 0:41:12Your head is smaller than your hips.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14What kind of shape are you? You're a peanut!
0:41:14 > 0:41:16What do you mean?!
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Of course my head is smaller than my hips!
0:41:18 > 0:41:19Dara...Dara!
0:41:19 > 0:41:22- Dara, look at me!- Is your head not smaller than your hips?- No! Have you never met me?
0:41:22 > 0:41:23Dara, Dara, look at me!
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Oh, you're weird.
0:41:25 > 0:41:26Look at me, look at me!
0:41:26 > 0:41:28I'm going to take you to a hall of mirrors
0:41:28 > 0:41:30and show you how you should look.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32I'm not the kid from Mask!
0:41:32 > 0:41:34You see, look at that. It's fine.
0:41:34 > 0:41:35Your head is absolutely enormous.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39In fact, on a normal-sized head, that would be a full head of hair.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41LAUGHTER
0:41:41 > 0:41:43APPLAUSE
0:41:43 > 0:41:45It's a good thing he's...
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Are you or are you not staying in my house tonight?
0:41:49 > 0:41:51When Dara opens an umbrella,
0:41:51 > 0:41:53it's like one of them little cocktail ones.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57To put in context how big it is, Dara,
0:41:57 > 0:41:59it has its own gravitational field.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01It's pulled in an entire planet behind you.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03LAUGHTER
0:42:03 > 0:42:05APPLAUSE
0:42:08 > 0:42:11This desk was straight when we started.
0:42:11 > 0:42:15I was expecting sympathy, that's why I introduced this story.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18You were expecting sympathy?!
0:42:18 > 0:42:20"I revealed a weakness in front of six comedians,
0:42:20 > 0:42:24"and I thought, 'There's a group that'll help me through!'"
0:42:24 > 0:42:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:26 > 0:42:27On the plus side...
0:42:29 > 0:42:32I think of you all as friends. I don't think of you as comedians.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34LAUGHTER
0:42:34 > 0:42:36APPLAUSE
0:42:36 > 0:42:37CHEERING
0:42:39 > 0:42:41Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:42:41 > 0:42:44We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news,
0:42:44 > 0:42:46and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49This week's clip features David Cameron.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51"Right, well, they said this was the place to go
0:42:51 > 0:42:54"for the world leaders' Christmas party, but, er...
0:42:54 > 0:42:57"Doesn't seem to be anyone around, that's a little bit strange.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00"So... Never mind. Oh, dear, look. A long corridor. Lots of cameras.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02"Oh, my God, I think I may be entering the Big Brother house."
0:43:02 > 0:43:03LAUGHTER
0:43:03 > 0:43:06"Never mind, I hope they've got the housemates I wanted.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08"Stacey Solomon, Ian Beale and H from Steps."
0:43:10 > 0:43:14"Aah! Merry Christmas, everybody! I'm Angela, Bavaria's next big model!
0:43:17 > 0:43:20"Yes, I used to be a world leader, but not any more, no.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23"I've come to read the meter. It's over there, yeah.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25"I'll get a pencil."
0:43:25 > 0:43:27"Ah, bonjour, who are you?
0:43:27 > 0:43:29"Oh, my God, ha ha!
0:43:29 > 0:43:31"Even ze Chinese are taller zan me!"
0:43:31 > 0:43:32LAUGHTER
0:43:32 > 0:43:36"I don't know what, maybe I should start wearing Carla's heels.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38"I'll tell you a secret: I am already wearing her panties."
0:43:39 > 0:43:42"Look, you'll enjoy this, look at that, you see?
0:43:42 > 0:43:43"That's one of our riots. Yes?
0:43:43 > 0:43:45"It's Croydon, but it could be Kabul."
0:43:45 > 0:43:47"Yes."
0:43:47 > 0:43:48"Hey, big fella, how you doin'?
0:43:48 > 0:43:50"Yeah, merry Christmas, how was your year, huh?"
0:43:50 > 0:43:53"Well, it wasn't bad, actually." "I'll tell you the highlight of mine -
0:43:53 > 0:43:57"I personally tracked down and killed the world's most wanted man, Osama Bin Laden, yeah.
0:43:57 > 0:44:00"There was no footage released because I did it on my own,
0:44:00 > 0:44:01"yeah, I did."
0:44:02 > 0:44:05"I got him. I got him. Yeah, that's me. Yeah.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07"So has anybody given you a Christmas box?"
0:44:07 > 0:44:11"Well, unfortunately, no, I was hoping to get one with Nick Clegg's head in it, but..."
0:44:11 > 0:44:13"Yeah, that's me, I got Osama, yeah.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15"Yeah, I killed him. Bare hands.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17"Yeah, yeah. No joking.
0:44:17 > 0:44:18"Mmm. Yeah, that's me."
0:44:18 > 0:44:21"Someone has dropped this curtain on me, but from where?"
0:44:21 > 0:44:22LAUGHTER
0:44:22 > 0:44:25"Oh! I'm not going to drink any of the tap water,
0:44:25 > 0:44:27"I think David Walliams might have been swimming in it, so..."
0:44:27 > 0:44:30"Yeah, it was me. Bare hands, one blow. Yeah."
0:44:30 > 0:44:33"Yeah, presents, I want a stepladder. "Yeah."
0:44:33 > 0:44:35"It's Ben Kingsley, isn't it?"
0:44:35 > 0:44:36LAUGHTER
0:44:36 > 0:44:40"Ah, lovely to see you, Mr Cameron, come over and sit down here, yes.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42"Please, make yourself comfortable."
0:44:42 > 0:44:43"Well, thank you very much,
0:44:43 > 0:44:47"yes, I think there's great scope for co-operation between our two nations,
0:44:47 > 0:44:49"I think we can move forward together in the future.
0:44:49 > 0:44:51"And if I can say just one thing to you,
0:44:51 > 0:44:52"er...
0:44:52 > 0:44:53"simples."
0:44:53 > 0:44:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:44:57 > 0:44:58Thank you, Hugh!
0:44:58 > 0:45:00CHEERING
0:45:02 > 0:45:05My dad used to work for Qantas, he was cabin crew, and the best thing...
0:45:05 > 0:45:10My favourite thing I've ever heard, I think, about Christmas, is that... Every second Christmas as a kid,
0:45:10 > 0:45:13my dad was away cos he was flying, that was the way it worked with Qantas,
0:45:13 > 0:45:17and this one particular year he told me that they were flying on Christmas night,
0:45:17 > 0:45:21and in the middle of the night, the captain, the pilot called him, basically called him up and said,
0:45:21 > 0:45:25"In about five minutes, I'm going to ask you to turn all the lights up," cos everyone was asleep.
0:45:25 > 0:45:28So he went, "All right," and he said, "Don't ask, just do it."
0:45:28 > 0:45:32In five minutes, my dad turned the lights up, and the captain said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
0:45:32 > 0:45:35sorry to wake you in the middle of the night, but we've had a special request on the radar.
0:45:35 > 0:45:39"There's a special person flying around the world tonight who wants to come on board.
0:45:39 > 0:45:43"So if all the kids are awake, he's coming down..." And then the pilot jiggled the joystick,
0:45:43 > 0:45:46- and the plane went "ba-doom," and he went, "He just landed." - LAUGHTER
0:45:46 > 0:45:48And then out of the cockpit came Santa.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50And did the whole lap of the aeroplane,
0:45:50 > 0:45:52gave out presents to all the kids,
0:45:52 > 0:45:54and then went back into the cockpit, and then the captain said,
0:45:54 > 0:45:58"And now we have to give him a bit of a run-up, so I'm going to speed up a little bit,"
0:45:58 > 0:46:02and he actually pushed forward on the engines, and all the kids just went mental.
0:46:02 > 0:46:05No wonder Qantas planes have got a big hole in them!
0:46:05 > 0:46:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:46:09 > 0:46:11That would be...
0:46:11 > 0:46:15That would be an amazing way to hijack a plane, wouldn't it?
0:46:15 > 0:46:18Just take over the Santa... "Yes! Christmas is over!
0:46:18 > 0:46:21"I've got six presents for you here!"
0:46:21 > 0:46:22THEY LAUGH
0:46:25 > 0:46:27Trying to bring some Christmas joy!
0:46:27 > 0:46:29LAUGHTER
0:46:30 > 0:46:33OK, what commodity has been snapped up in enormous quantities this week?
0:46:33 > 0:46:36- Chocolate.- Not quite chocolate, not quite chocolate.
0:46:36 > 0:46:37- Cocoa beans.- Cocoa beans.
0:46:37 > 0:46:40There's a businessman, whose name I don't know,
0:46:40 > 0:46:42he owns seven per cent of the world's cocoa beans.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45Yes, one mystery man owns seven per cent of the world's cocoa beans.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47All he needs is a glass elevator and some Oompa Loompas.
0:46:47 > 0:46:49You can just imagine...
0:46:49 > 0:46:51It is a story that will explain economics
0:46:51 > 0:46:53to people who are a bit meh about banks
0:46:53 > 0:46:55and didn't really get what was going on,
0:46:55 > 0:46:58if you say to them one guy bought all the chocolate,
0:46:58 > 0:47:00and now the chocolate is going to be more dear.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02And they go, "That's a disgrace."
0:47:02 > 0:47:06"I know, imagine if somebody did that with, like gold, or property."
0:47:06 > 0:47:09"They wouldn't do that! They have?! Aaaaah!"
0:47:11 > 0:47:14I did wonder how often he spends annoying his friends and co-workers
0:47:14 > 0:47:16and his underlings who have to laugh at him because he's the boss.
0:47:16 > 0:47:19"Go on, ask me how I am, ask me how I am. Ask me how I am."
0:47:19 > 0:47:21"How are you?" "Full of beans!"
0:47:21 > 0:47:22LAUGHTER
0:47:22 > 0:47:24What he was doing, and Dara, you'll appreciate this,
0:47:24 > 0:47:26was getting a head start on his...
0:47:26 > 0:47:27LAUGHTER
0:47:28 > 0:47:30..on his competitors.
0:47:30 > 0:47:33There hasn't been that much chocolate hoarded
0:47:33 > 0:47:35since Eamonn Holmes was getting ready for the World Cup game.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39Here's the interesting thing, 5.3 billion...
0:47:39 > 0:47:42cos apparently he bought 241,000 tonnes, he has...
0:47:42 > 0:47:44- That can nearly fit on your head. - Nearly.
0:47:44 > 0:47:45LAUGHTER
0:47:47 > 0:47:50- 5.3 billion quarter-pound chocolate bars... - THEY LAUGH
0:47:50 > 0:47:54- Just let it go.- Did you hear the sigh in the middle of your own sentence there?
0:47:55 > 0:47:57I can't believe I let you all have that for free.
0:47:57 > 0:48:00Can I finish the point I was going to make, right?
0:48:00 > 0:48:05- Apparently the amount of chocolate...- You've probably got loads of sentences...
0:48:05 > 0:48:06Like a stag.
0:48:06 > 0:48:09- You probably think this is going to finish after the show.- Yeah...
0:48:10 > 0:48:14I know you'll never mention that again, and members of the public won't mention it to me either,
0:48:14 > 0:48:16that's the best thing about it.
0:48:16 > 0:48:18You will get one...
0:48:18 > 0:48:21From there, I will crush your entire head in one swoop.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23Oh, Dara, is it yourself or is it an eclipse?
0:48:26 > 0:48:30Is this why you studied astrophysics, so you could understand yourself?
0:48:30 > 0:48:31Yes.
0:48:31 > 0:48:33Fuck, your head's big!
0:48:33 > 0:48:34LAUGHTER
0:48:34 > 0:48:35APPLAUSE
0:48:38 > 0:48:41Christmas story, heartwarming, delightful.
0:48:42 > 0:48:44The... No...
0:48:44 > 0:48:47There was a Christmas dinner... I think it was Christmas dinner, or the day after,
0:48:47 > 0:48:49Stephen's day in Ireland, Boxing Day here,
0:48:49 > 0:48:53and it was three generations of one side of the family,
0:48:53 > 0:48:56granny, uncles, aunts, kids, and people started telling jokes.
0:48:56 > 0:49:00And they were all like, you know, "What lies at the bottom of the ocean? Nervous wreck,"
0:49:00 > 0:49:02all these kind of cracker-type jokes,
0:49:02 > 0:49:05and then my cousin, I was about 11, my cousin was about 12, 13,
0:49:05 > 0:49:07he said, "I've got a joke."
0:49:07 > 0:49:09And they said, "What's the joke?"
0:49:09 > 0:49:13And he says, "What's pink and hard and you rub it in the bathroom?"
0:49:13 > 0:49:15LAUGHTER
0:49:15 > 0:49:17And the table went "whoomp!"
0:49:18 > 0:49:21Because all the elders went "Urgh!" like that, and all the...
0:49:21 > 0:49:24cos he was the eldest cousin, I think, so everyone below him went,
0:49:24 > 0:49:27- "Ooh, I don't know, now that's an interesting one..." - LAUGHTER
0:49:27 > 0:49:28"Could be many things..."
0:49:28 > 0:49:30"Er...ooh, this is a teaser."
0:49:30 > 0:49:32"I wonder what this could be."
0:49:32 > 0:49:36And there was a pause, and he goes, "A bar of soap."
0:49:36 > 0:49:38And every elder went, "Phew!"
0:49:38 > 0:49:41And all the kids went, "Oh, that doesn't...anyway..."
0:49:43 > 0:49:45"The soap at our house is green, for a start."
0:49:46 > 0:49:50And that could have been it, except his dad, my uncle,
0:49:50 > 0:49:55then, for some crazy reason, went, "That's not the real answer, is it?"
0:49:55 > 0:49:57LAUGHTER
0:49:57 > 0:49:59APPLAUSE
0:50:02 > 0:50:05The first joke I ever told my mother was, and I was about eight,
0:50:05 > 0:50:06I should think, I didn't understand it,
0:50:06 > 0:50:08I said, "How do you get to Shepherd's Bush?
0:50:08 > 0:50:10"Up the shepherd's leg."
0:50:10 > 0:50:11LAUGHTER
0:50:16 > 0:50:18And she, sort of...
0:50:18 > 0:50:19ignored it.
0:50:19 > 0:50:20LAUGHTER
0:50:20 > 0:50:24How will one London shop be getting into the festive spirit early?
0:50:24 > 0:50:26Are they going to be selling really big hats?
0:50:26 > 0:50:27LAUGHTER
0:50:27 > 0:50:29APPLAUSE
0:50:30 > 0:50:32No!
0:50:32 > 0:50:34What's going on here?
0:50:34 > 0:50:38- Ah, that's fantastic.- Is it an elk shagging a nesting box?
0:50:40 > 0:50:43Has that tree got Dutch elk disease?
0:50:43 > 0:50:44AUDIENCE GROANS
0:50:44 > 0:50:45It's the, um...
0:50:45 > 0:50:47LAUGHTER
0:50:47 > 0:50:49It's very Christmassy. Is that bloke in the corner saying,
0:50:49 > 0:50:54"I'm sorry, Rudolph, no, that's an automatic ban, I'm afraid."
0:50:54 > 0:50:55LAUGHTER
0:50:55 > 0:50:57Rudolph survived the crash,
0:50:57 > 0:50:59but unfortunately Santa really doesn't exist any more.
0:51:01 > 0:51:03- It's a moose.- Oh, is it? Oh, I was hoping it was an elk.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06- Cos he was drunk, wasn't he? - Yeah, he was. He's a drunk moose.
0:51:06 > 0:51:08And he's got a terrible hangover.
0:51:08 > 0:51:11So I was hoping to say, "How does he get rid of the hangover?
0:51:11 > 0:51:12"Elka-seltzer."
0:51:12 > 0:51:14LAUGHTER
0:51:14 > 0:51:17- Well, you can't say that. You have to say...- "Moosa-seltzer."
0:51:17 > 0:51:20And Moosa-seltzer doesn't work.
0:51:20 > 0:51:21Is the elk going,
0:51:21 > 0:51:24"You're right, Brian, I couldn't jump over the tree."
0:51:24 > 0:51:26LAUGHTER
0:51:26 > 0:51:28The moose is saying, "I'll come quietly, officer."
0:51:28 > 0:51:30Well, reasonably quietly -
0:51:30 > 0:51:33I don't know if you've ever heard a moose come before, but it's not subtle.
0:51:34 > 0:51:37What's the difference between a moose and an elk, anyway?
0:51:37 > 0:51:39If you can tell that's not an elk.
0:51:39 > 0:51:41I can't tell, I was told that that is a moose.
0:51:41 > 0:51:43I can't tell if it's a moose or an elk.
0:51:43 > 0:51:45I'm not going,
0:51:45 > 0:51:49"Well, in my long years of doing the Norwegian Springwatch...
0:51:49 > 0:51:51LAUGHTER
0:51:51 > 0:51:52SPEAKS MADE-UP NORWEGIAN
0:51:54 > 0:51:55Oh! Oh, sorry, this just in...
0:51:55 > 0:51:56they're the same thing.
0:51:56 > 0:51:58LAUGHTER
0:52:00 > 0:52:02I'll tell you what...
0:52:02 > 0:52:04- I'll tell you a thing...- I don't think that's too niche.- Yeah.
0:52:04 > 0:52:08No, just the same thing, just the same thing, don't confuse people, they're the same thing.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11- Can I just tell you how that thing got over its hangover, then?- Yeah.
0:52:11 > 0:52:13Elka-seltzer.
0:52:13 > 0:52:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:52:18 > 0:52:21In other news, who's in line for a Christmas number one?
0:52:21 > 0:52:25This is the Pope. The Pope is going to be releasing a record.
0:52:25 > 0:52:30Somebody from Geffen Records, who are his record company, said:
0:52:34 > 0:52:35"Schlafen, kinder!
0:52:35 > 0:52:38"Schlafen!! Schlafen! Oder Santa Claus nicht kommen, nicht kommen!
0:52:38 > 0:52:39"Schlafen!"
0:52:39 > 0:52:42I think it's going to be a very popular record, though, isn't it?
0:52:42 > 0:52:45It's not just going to be Christians who are going to want to buy it -
0:52:45 > 0:52:46everybody is going to want to buy it,
0:52:46 > 0:52:49cos those who aren't Christians are going to want to play it backwards
0:52:49 > 0:52:53to see if there's a different message inside.
0:52:53 > 0:52:56Wouldn't that be great? "Meet me by the bins, yeah.
0:52:56 > 0:52:57"Meet me by the bins, meet me by the bins.
0:52:57 > 0:52:59"Oh! Meet me by the bins." I'm buying it.
0:52:59 > 0:53:00LAUGHTER
0:53:00 > 0:53:03I think you should record that, that's actually quite good.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05In fact, let's do that, let's rival him.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08Let's do a Mock The Week Christmas song, and see if we can't get it to number one.
0:53:08 > 0:53:12And will the lyrics have to be, "Meet me by the bins, meet me by the bins..."?
0:53:12 > 0:53:13We can put that in the middle.
0:53:13 > 0:53:15Guys, what are we doing making a Christmas album
0:53:15 > 0:53:17when we could clean up with a calendar?
0:53:17 > 0:53:18LAUGHTER
0:53:18 > 0:53:20APPLAUSE
0:53:20 > 0:53:22October!
0:53:22 > 0:53:24CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:53:24 > 0:53:27Is that Dara loading hay bales?
0:53:27 > 0:53:29CHEERING
0:53:29 > 0:53:30What is going on?
0:53:30 > 0:53:32Oh, my God!
0:53:32 > 0:53:35- You don't just...- Hugh, what are you doing?- Don't give up the nipple!
0:53:35 > 0:53:38You don't show the nipple, that's... You've got to hold that back.
0:53:38 > 0:53:40I'll let you in on a secret.
0:53:40 > 0:53:41I've got two!
0:53:41 > 0:53:43LAUGHTER
0:53:44 > 0:53:46God, this is the happiest Christmas ever.
0:53:46 > 0:53:48You have no idea how often we see these.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51Scaramanga is amongst us.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54How fat... Your nipples are incredible!
0:53:54 > 0:53:55The size of them!
0:53:55 > 0:53:57- They're...- My nipples are...
0:53:57 > 0:54:00Are we supposed to be insecure about our nipples now?
0:54:00 > 0:54:01No!
0:54:01 > 0:54:03But look at them!
0:54:04 > 0:54:06Oh, do it some more, do it some more,
0:54:06 > 0:54:08anticlockwise, anticlockwise... Oh, yeah.
0:54:08 > 0:54:10Oh-h, yeah.
0:54:10 > 0:54:11January, bitches.
0:54:11 > 0:54:12LAUGHTER
0:54:12 > 0:54:14No...
0:54:14 > 0:54:17We're giving you one month just as a bit of a teaser here.
0:54:17 > 0:54:19And the other ones you have to buy, I'm afraid.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22We're trying to get you addicted to the heroin with his nipples,
0:54:22 > 0:54:25and we're withholding the gravy from there on in. Yeah.
0:54:25 > 0:54:27Where will you be, will you be, you know,
0:54:27 > 0:54:30sitting behind a piano or something, or maybe, you know... What?
0:54:30 > 0:54:33I'll be on top of the piano like the Fabulous Baker Boys.
0:54:35 > 0:54:38- Where will you be, Dara? - That's what you call your testicles?
0:54:38 > 0:54:40I see Dara as a sort of a farmhand.
0:54:41 > 0:54:45- Just... Logs everywhere.- Rustic. - Loads of girls going, "Aaah..."
0:54:45 > 0:54:47Or it could be very artistic.
0:54:47 > 0:54:49It could be like Munch's The Scream,
0:54:49 > 0:54:51and it's just you completely naked...
0:54:51 > 0:54:52Yeah!
0:54:52 > 0:54:54LAUGHTER
0:54:55 > 0:54:57APPLAUSE
0:54:59 > 0:55:00I like this album.
0:55:00 > 0:55:03Thank you very, very much. In a kind of a...
0:55:03 > 0:55:05"Is that my cock out? Aaah!"
0:55:05 > 0:55:06LAUGHTER
0:55:06 > 0:55:10"Here, on a bridge, in Norway?"
0:55:10 > 0:55:11LAUGHTER
0:55:12 > 0:55:14Merry Christmas, everybody!
0:55:14 > 0:55:16LAUGHTER
0:55:16 > 0:55:18APPLAUSE
0:55:18 > 0:55:20- BUZZER - OK, the next topic is...
0:55:20 > 0:55:23Unlikely things to hear at Christmas.
0:55:26 > 0:55:32I'm afraid Grandad's dead. He fell into a bowl of Christmas cake mix.
0:55:32 > 0:55:34Sounds unlikely, but you see, under the surface,
0:55:34 > 0:55:36very strong currants.
0:55:37 > 0:55:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:55:40 > 0:55:45It's time to drain the 25th vegetable in our advent colander.
0:55:45 > 0:55:47LAUGHTER
0:55:50 > 0:55:53Bad news, son, Santa's just sent a text.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55Apparently he won't be able to make it
0:55:55 > 0:55:57until after the sales have started.
0:55:57 > 0:55:58LAUGHTER
0:56:02 > 0:56:06Your mother has always wanted to be somewhere hot for Christmas.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08So I've chained her to the Aga.
0:56:08 > 0:56:10LAUGHTER
0:56:13 > 0:56:16Santa's deliveries were much quicker this year,
0:56:16 > 0:56:18because he didn't have to deliver to the naughty children
0:56:18 > 0:56:20of Tottenham and Croydon.
0:56:20 > 0:56:21LAUGHTER
0:56:21 > 0:56:23APPLAUSE
0:56:26 > 0:56:27Oh, this is embarrassing, dear.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30The smaller set of underwear is actually for my secretary.
0:56:30 > 0:56:32LAUGHTER
0:56:34 > 0:56:37I'm afraid Santa wasn't able to bring you a toy train,
0:56:37 > 0:56:40so he's brought you a toy replacement bus service.
0:56:40 > 0:56:41LAUGHTER
0:56:47 > 0:56:51Er, Mum... These are just flattened pieces of cardboard.
0:56:51 > 0:56:52This is just an...
0:56:52 > 0:56:54ex-box.
0:56:54 > 0:56:55LAUGHTER
0:57:02 > 0:57:04No, no, no, no, no, the Wii is yours, darling.
0:57:04 > 0:57:05It's not Granny's.
0:57:05 > 0:57:07LAUGHTER
0:57:09 > 0:57:14No, Grandad, you kiss under the mistletoe, not the camel toe!
0:57:14 > 0:57:16AUDIENCE GROANS
0:57:16 > 0:57:18APPLAUSE
0:57:21 > 0:57:23I haven't got you a present, Grandma,
0:57:23 > 0:57:25cos Daddy promised you'd be dead.
0:57:25 > 0:57:27LAUGHTER
0:57:31 > 0:57:35Either we've been burgled, or all Dad's got us for Christmas
0:57:35 > 0:57:37is a big poo in the middle of the carpet.
0:57:37 > 0:57:39LAUGHTER
0:57:42 > 0:57:45No, I got the Christmas presents early this year.
0:57:45 > 0:57:46I looted them in August.
0:57:46 > 0:57:48LAUGHTER
0:57:51 > 0:57:53We're turning the Christmas lights on in March.
0:57:53 > 0:57:56They're energy saving bulbs, they should be ready by September.
0:57:56 > 0:57:58LAUGHTER
0:57:58 > 0:57:59APPLAUSE
0:58:01 > 0:58:04So I've rubbed goose fat on these,
0:58:04 > 0:58:07so if you put your bra back on, Gran...
0:58:08 > 0:58:10..I don't think you'll need to have to worry about the cold any more.
0:58:10 > 0:58:13LAUGHTER
0:58:18 > 0:58:20That's a jumbo sausage roll, isn't it?
0:58:24 > 0:58:26Means I've eaten the Wii controller.
0:58:26 > 0:58:27LAUGHTER
0:58:31 > 0:58:35You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not shout, I'm telling you why,
0:58:35 > 0:58:38Santa Claus is coming to town and he's had an incredibly long drive,
0:58:38 > 0:58:40the last thing he needs is any shit off you two.
0:58:40 > 0:58:42LAUGHTER
0:58:43 > 0:58:45OK... I have to say merry Christmas.
0:58:45 > 0:58:48I literally cannot find it in my heart to say...
0:58:49 > 0:58:51..merry Christmas.
0:58:51 > 0:58:53Aaaaargh!
0:58:55 > 0:58:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd