0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# ..but don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield
0:00:40 > 0:00:41and Carl Donnelly,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We start with a round called Headliners.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Here is a picture of the Prime Minister, the American President
0:00:57 > 0:01:00and the Chancellor of Germany, but what does CIDW stand for?
0:01:00 > 0:01:05Is it in fact all they've achieved at the G20?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07"Checked in. Drank wine."
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Is Merkel saying, "Cameron! It's Denzel Washington!"
0:01:19 > 0:01:22She, presumably, is suggesting an answer to the crisis, isn't she?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25She's saying "Call in Darth Wader!"
0:01:26 > 0:01:31Or she's saying "Careful, I declare war."
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Is it in fact, "Cameron interrupts dirty weekend?"
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Is it "Cameron introduces drunk woman?" Cos she does look a bit...
0:01:43 > 0:01:45She looks lairy, anyway.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I reckon Merkel's going to the vending machine to get some snacks,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51so she's checking the order. She's going,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"Is it a Crunchie, ice-cream, Diet Coke, Wotsits?"
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Is it David Cameron saying, "Children? I...damn. Where?"
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Is it Angela Merkel saying,
0:02:09 > 0:02:13"I have lived my life like a candle in da wind."
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I've heard a lot of bad things about Men In Black III,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25but it looks pretty good now they've cast Angela Lansbury in it.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Can I get the correct answer, please?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Is it "Cameron issues dire warning?"
0:02:34 > 0:02:35That's very good. Well done, Chris.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Yes, the answer I was looking for was "Cameron issues dire warning."
0:02:42 > 0:02:46This is the news that at the G20 summit in Mexico, David Cameron
0:02:46 > 0:02:49put the eurozone crisis at the top of a list of five big threats
0:02:49 > 0:02:53that world leaders need to tackle to avoid a global financial meltdown.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Are we scared of this disaster?
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Yep.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Did you see what the five threats were?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03They were in fact, the eurozone crisis, sovereign debt,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07the challenges of growth and low competitiveness, protectionism
0:03:07 > 0:03:10and failure to regulate the banking system.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Now, if you add those up, there are in fact six things there.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20And he is going to tell that to the 23 countries of the G20.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24It would be good if in the middle of the five things
0:03:24 > 0:03:25he'd thrown in a genuine...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"The five things we have to be worried about are eurozone debt,
0:03:28 > 0:03:33"sovereign debt, low growth, that asteroid, failure to regulate..."
0:03:33 > 0:03:36They go, "I'm sorry, what was the last one?" "You mean low growth?"
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"That's not the one we meant! The one you said after low growth!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:41"Oh, the asteroid. We'll get to that."
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It would be great if we did an episode of this show
0:03:45 > 0:03:47for people who don't really watch the news
0:03:47 > 0:03:52and then we discuss the asteroid as if this was actually a news story.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I'm pretty sure that this show is for people
0:03:54 > 0:03:56who don't really watch the news.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- How did the Greek elections go? - They went tremendously well.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04People voted and they've got a new government.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08They have a party that sounds lovely in Greece, the Golden Dawn Party.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- It's a nice name, isn't it?- Yeah, they're actually the BNP of Greece,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15but they sound lovely, like, "Oh, a bowl of Golden Dawn in the morning."
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Ooh, fascists.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22I got a DVD called Golden Dawn. It wasn't what I was expecting.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I think the problem with these Mediterranean countries
0:04:25 > 0:04:28is that they have their main meal at ten o'clock at night.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Right, OK.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32That means you go to bed later, you don't sleep as well,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34you're tired for most of the day,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36you have to have a nap in the afternoon
0:04:36 > 0:04:39and your economy gets knackered.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Surely austerity rule one should be tea at six o'clock.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I think it has got out of hand.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I was in a restaurant and they were doing a special offer.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52"If you buy a Greek salad and there's a German in the room,
0:04:52 > 0:04:53"he has to pay for it."
0:05:01 > 0:05:03What did the Greeks vote for?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06It was a vote on whether they should stay within the eurozone.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Essentially, yeah.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10We should stop calling it the eurozone,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12because if we continue to call them the eurozone,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14they can call us Poundland.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I've got mixed feelings about Greece leaving the euro,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26cos I actually discovered in my drawer
0:05:26 > 0:05:29that I've got quite a lot of drachma left,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32and I counted it all up and, depending on how things go,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I think I might be able to buy a house.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Or possibly the railways.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I always think "Greek bailout"
0:05:40 > 0:05:43sounds like something they do at Eton after lights out.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46That's why it's so difficult for Cameron and Osbourne to talk about it.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"I say, Cameron." "What is it, Osbourne?"
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"You don't fancy a quick Greek bailout, do you?"
0:05:51 > 0:05:55"You're insatiable, man! Come on, let's grease up. Let's go."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Where was the G20 taking place?
0:05:58 > 0:06:03It was taking place in a place called Los Cabos in Me-hi-co.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It doesn't have to be said like a villager from The Magnificent Seven.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11That would be funny if all of their speeches were done in that voice.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"We must help the villagers."
0:06:14 > 0:06:16"When the music stop, you die."
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Is a luxury resort the right place to start talking about people's austerity?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25If you're kind of going, "There are five plans..."
0:06:25 > 0:06:26And this man arrives with a tray
0:06:26 > 0:06:29with a large pink drink with an umbrella in it.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31"Not now!"
0:06:31 > 0:06:34There's a Mexican waiter going, "Senor?"
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Behind you, a Mariachi band going,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39# Guantanamera!
0:06:39 > 0:06:43"Go away! Ixnay on the Uantanamera-gay!"
0:06:44 > 0:06:47What Cameron should do is get a great big black hat
0:06:47 > 0:06:49and the sleep mask he got on the plane and stand up
0:06:49 > 0:06:51in front of the G20 and say,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"I will lead you out of economic austerity for I am...
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- MAKES WHOOSHING NOISE - "..Borro!"
0:07:03 > 0:07:07When you get a bunch of national leaders in a room together,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10you realise that however hard you can fight against it,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12they are just a bunch of stereotypes.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13You've got Angela Merkel,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15a butch German woman who looks like a shot-putter.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17You've got Francois Hollande,
0:07:17 > 0:07:19a Frenchman who left his wife for a younger model.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22You've got Cameron, a posh Etonian.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25You've got Putin, a KGB-trained psychopath.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29You've got Obama, a cool black dude.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32It's like the G20's been written by the writers of 'Allo 'Allo!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38What did Labour Leader Ed Miliband label David Cameron this week?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40He labelled him "a tainted leader."
0:07:40 > 0:07:44"A tainted Prime Minister," which was a very early song by Soft Cell.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- He did, because of what?- Cos he's too close to the rich and powerful.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53This is all based on the fact that he got a text from Rebekah Brooks
0:07:53 > 0:07:57saying that they were all in it together.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58"Yes, you Cam!"
0:07:58 > 0:08:02The other part that was creepy was the bit at the start
0:08:02 > 0:08:05where she goes, "Let's discuss this over country supper soon."
0:08:05 > 0:08:08It sounds like a horrible euphemism.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12"I went out last night, ended up back at a girl's place. She gave me a country supper."
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I only went looking for a Greek bailout.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21It was impressive, I thought, as a technique.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23The thing that most of the politicians have done
0:08:23 > 0:08:26is they have been forgetful at the Leveson Inquiry and they've gone,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28"I'm afraid I can't recall that. Did that happen?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31"I have no recollection of such a thing occurring."
0:08:31 > 0:08:34The genius of Cameron to establish himself as forgetful
0:08:34 > 0:08:36in the week of the Leveson Inquiry
0:08:36 > 0:08:40by leaving his daughter behind in a pub!
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Genius.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48What has Ed Miliband admitted recently?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50That he is related to David Miliband.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Ending speculation.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58That he looks like Wallace...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04..from Wallace and Gromit, which is why...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Which is when he said of David Cameron,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08as part of the "tainted Prime Minister" speech,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10he said he doesn't live in the real world,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13you thought, "Ed doesn't. He lives with a plasticine dog!"
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Actually, I had a long conversation with Ed Miliband
0:09:16 > 0:09:18about whether he looked like Wallace or not,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21and it would have been shorter but about once every 12th of a second
0:09:21 > 0:09:24an assistant had to move his arm just a little bit.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28The Tories have been going on at him
0:09:28 > 0:09:31about the fact that he looks like Wallace,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34but they've got absolutely no room to talk about this.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Cameron looks like Iggle Piggle, Michael Gove looks like Pob,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Eric Pickles looks like a Sontaran from Doctor Who,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Teresa May looks like Roy Hodgson in drag,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Jeremy Hunt looks like Seb Coe with a wasting disease
0:09:45 > 0:09:48and if you get Iain Duncan Smith and William Hague together,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50they look like Yoda's bollocks.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Our next round is called Newsreel. We play in a recent piece of footage
0:10:06 > 0:10:08featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest
0:10:08 > 0:10:10what might be being said. This week's clip
0:10:10 > 0:10:12features David Cameron and Barack Obama.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16AS OBAMA: Hi! Barack Obama, vote for me in November. Don't vote for Mitt.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18His name sounds like an oven glove.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Say, David, you like to shoot hoops?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- AS CAMERON:- Yes, well, actually, I'm just fearfully posh.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25I like to shoot almost everything.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29I prefer riding, really. I've got an ex-police horse I can borrow.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Yes, anyway, my name's David. I'm just chillaxing with Barack.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38We've got a special relationship, not in THAT way of course, no.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41The Church of England would go mad.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44You'll have to forgive David, he's never been to a ball game before.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45He doesn't know the rules.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Well, I like netball. In fact, I prefer football.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Hey, you, you better shut your mouth!
0:10:51 > 0:10:56- Shut your mouth, that's what I say, shut your mouth.- I'm sorry if I...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58You better tell your limey-ass friend to shut his mouth
0:10:58 > 0:11:02or I'm going to shut it for him. He can take that Beckham with him!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04OK, he says, "Would you shut the fuck up?"
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Oh, he's serious, is he? I see.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13So, say, have you got one of these?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17This is a medal I got for killing Osama Bin Laden with my bare hands!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22I did that. Vote for me in November, I killed Osama with my bare hands.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26You want one, I got drawers full of this shit in the White House.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30So, Dave. You ever killed a man with your bare hands?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Well, I've thought of killing Nick a couple of times.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Seems the kindest thing to do, really, put him out of his misery.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40God, it's hot in here. I'm as hot as a pasty with VAT on it.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Hang on a minute. I'm almost certain
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I had my daughter with me when I came in here.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Well done, Hugh.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:57 > 0:12:02Now we play a round called Happy Birthday, Paul Mock-Cartney.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04This game involves Jo, Milton and Carl,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07so if you could make your way to the performance area.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News
0:12:09 > 0:12:11and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14one of our performers must talk about that subject.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22The first subject is retail.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Can I ask someone to come in and talk on that? Jo Caulfield.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Tesco's have announced that they are going to overhaul their shops
0:12:29 > 0:12:32by employing more staff, which is great
0:12:32 > 0:12:34because the self-scanning doesn't work, does it?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37It's just a row of angry people shouting at machines.
0:12:37 > 0:12:42Just going, "But there's nothing in the bagging area! I've removed it from the bagging area.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47"D'you know what's in the bagging area? A frigging bag! What a surprise(!)"
0:12:47 > 0:12:52And also, I have to say, sometimes a person isn't better.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I was at Tesco's at the checkout with a person and just by mistake,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58instead of the Tesco Clubcard,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I handed over my Sainsbury's Nectar card.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04The woman at the checkout in Tesco's, no word of a lie,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07she looked at the Sainsbury's card, she put it down,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09she then looked at her own badge.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18As if to go, "Maybe she's right, maybe I do work in Sainsbury's!"
0:13:20 > 0:13:25So the shopping came to £3.76, so I gave her five pounds and a penny
0:13:25 > 0:13:29and then stood back and watched her head explode.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33And another shop, Abercrombie and Fitch,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36they were famously sued in America because they had a policy
0:13:36 > 0:13:40of only employing young, very attractive people.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44I thought, "D'you think Argos has the exact opposite policy?"
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Thank you very much, Jo Caulfield!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:51 > 0:13:53OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58The subject is health. Who wants to come in on that? Carl.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Right, I suffer from recurring stomach problems
0:14:02 > 0:14:04which sometimes lead me into embarrassing situations.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09One happened when about two years ago I went to see Alicia Keys live in concert at the O2 Arena.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11That's not the embarrassing bit.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15En route to meet friends to go to the show,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I stopped at my doctor's to get a little check-up
0:14:17 > 0:14:19and he said it was all fine but he wanted a stool sample,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22so he gave me a pot and said "Drop it in in the morning."
0:14:22 > 0:14:24So I put it in my bag and then went to meet friends
0:14:24 > 0:14:25for a drink before the show.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28About half an hour passed, I felt movement.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29I thought, "I'd better do it now,"
0:14:29 > 0:14:32So I went to a pub toilet and I did my sample in a pot
0:14:32 > 0:14:33and put it back in my bag, went out,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36didn't tell my friends what I'd done, we just carried on drinking.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Half an hour later, it's showtime, we went to the O2 Arena,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41where I'd never been before, to see Alicia Keys.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46And I reckon it was about 30 metres from the front of the queue
0:14:46 > 0:14:50where I found out about their compulsory bag search system.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Have you ever tried to explain to a security guard
0:14:53 > 0:14:58why you're trying to smuggle a stool sample into an Alicia Keys concert?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00It's tough. When he pulled it out,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I've never heard more shock in a man's voice.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05He just went, "What is this?!" And I freaked out
0:15:05 > 0:15:07and said the first thing that came into my head,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09so I went, "It's a pot of shit."
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Which he then repeated louder, right.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15He just sort of went, "A po' o' shi',"
0:15:15 > 0:15:18and it went back down the queue like Chinese whispers.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21About 20 people back, I think I heard somebody go,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24"I think there's a guy with a bowl of chips at the front or something."
0:15:24 > 0:15:26So I'm just there, totally embarrassed.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Didn't know what to do, I'm almost crying.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33I explained my story, the guy gets his supervisor who comes over and this is a great response.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I was, honestly, like, "I've got a bug, sorry."
0:15:35 > 0:15:37And he listens to all that and goes,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"All right, I believe you. You can keep it."
0:15:39 > 0:15:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:48 > 0:15:50OK, that leaves us with Milton.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55The subject is relatives.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07The scariest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life
0:16:07 > 0:16:08was when I was very little.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11My dad said, "I'm just going to pop upstairs,"
0:16:11 > 0:16:13and he went upstairs and he popped.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I didn't speak to my dad.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Well, he was a bus driver, you're not allowed to.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28My brother - he's allergic to cheese.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Not the taste. It's just if anyone says the word, he goes, "Bleugh!"
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Doesn't happen very often,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37but we've got some weird family photos.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44My grandfather - he was a GI and he was in the RAF,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46OK, he was a giraffe.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50During the war, when board games were illegal,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53he was put in prison for being a Yahtzee sympathiser.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00My uncle, he was a security guard at the O2 Arena.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Thank you very much.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Points in that round go to Milton Jones. Everybody come back.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:17:19 > 0:17:23On the board are six categories. Carl, which category would you like?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Sports, please.- OK, grand.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Sport, it is.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30The answer is chickens, nurses and rain. What is the question?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Is it what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Is it name three things?
0:17:44 > 0:17:50Is it what are the most used sound effects in the radio drama
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58There's been another monsoon from the chickens!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01What do you know?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04The actor's Scottish in Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"Doctor, doctor, I think this chicken is drowning!"
0:18:07 > 0:18:12What were the three main things featured in the film Golden Dawn?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Is it what three things have a higher IQ
0:18:16 > 0:18:19than the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27A little harsh on the nurses that, isn't it?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Is it all the things that my gran says are stealing her money
0:18:31 > 0:18:33when I go and visit her in the care home?
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Is it what additional three things
0:18:42 > 0:18:45did Churchill think we should fight them on?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"We will fight them on the chicken,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"we will fight them on the nurses,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55"and on the rain."
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Is it what Greece are planning to use as currency when they leave the euro?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09OK, what's the correct answer?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Name three things you won't find in a chicken nugget.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16OK, pipe down. Correct...
0:19:16 > 0:19:21Is it what are the opening stage directions in the television drama
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Chickens, nurses, rain. A man walks through the fog...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I thought it was a hospital I'm working in now, is it?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37What was the name of Foghorn Leghorn's controversial early career porn film?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I'm sorry, I want to do more chicken hospital.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Clear! Cluck!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Clear! Cluck!
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Clear! Cluck!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48We've lost him.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50We've lost him.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53That's finishing off the chicken at the end.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Doctor, get me the baster.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Can we please...? We're just amusing ourselves now.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04It's what three things will feature in the Olympic Opening Ceremony?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis. That's absolutely right.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10APPLAUSE
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Yes, the question I was looking for is,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15what are some of the more unusual items to feature
0:20:15 > 0:20:17in the London Olympic Opening Ceremony on 27th July?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20This is the news that artistic director Danny Boyle
0:20:20 > 0:20:24has revealed some of his plans to transform the Olympic Stadium into the British countryside.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27The ceremony will include real farmyard animals,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30a cast of 10,000 volunteers, including a troop of NHS nurses
0:20:30 > 0:20:32and, just in case it doesn't rain on the night,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35clouds suspended over the stadium which will produce rain.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38See, that's interesting as I didn't think that's why he was doing it.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I thought he was doing it cos he's a film-maker
0:20:41 > 0:20:44and he's making a film version of Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48And everyone will be going, "But where are all the Scottish accents?"
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Doctor, this chicken seems to be ill. Clear!
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Cluck!
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Oh, it's going to be amazing!
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Real farmyard animals will feature in the show, which will be 70 sheep,
0:20:59 > 0:21:0312 horses, three cows, two goats, ten chickens, ten ducks, nine geese,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07three sheepdogs, a cat, a bird, a spider, a fly and an old woman.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12And the major question is will she die?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Of course.- She's dead of course.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18They're going to transform the Olympic Stadium for 27 million
0:21:18 > 0:21:20into the great British countryside?
0:21:20 > 0:21:2527 million. All people really give a shit about are the fireworks.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Spend 26 and a half million on fireworks,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30give everybody a toffee apple,
0:21:30 > 0:21:34a giant bonfire with a ticket tout on top.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38They're going to great lengths with this British countryside thing.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43They have hired actors, who are going to depict a family having a picnic in the countryside.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46They're hiring another actor to dress up as a wasp,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48who's not going to leave them alone.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Finally, at the end, they light the flame.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56Well, I say flame, they're lighting a pyre of cattle that have died from foot-and-mouth.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59The whole idea is he's trying to make it the most British thing.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04But I reckon the funniest thing, the most British thing he could do, is have it cancelled on the day,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and have an Opening Ceremony replacement service.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I don't trust any of the Olympic preparations,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17cos have you heard what they're going to do as a security precaution?
0:22:17 > 0:22:21They're going to have a destroyer in the middle of the Thames.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23How do they think Al-Qaeda are going to attack?
0:22:23 > 0:22:28Some sort of armada coming up the river and then across the stadium...
0:22:28 > 0:22:31They won't be expecting this.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33They won't be ready for this.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35HUMS HAWAII FIVE-O THEME
0:22:35 > 0:22:38The Closing Ceremony is just going to be Boris Johnson in overalls
0:22:38 > 0:22:42and wellies, with a shot gun, going, "Get off my land."
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Have you got tickets? Are you going?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47No, I have not. I disapprove of the whole thing.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50And I think most Londoners don't want it anyway.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Two things they hate most - exercise and tourists.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57There's a huge investigation now.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00The IOC are investigating corruption and touting.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05The IOC investigating corruption is like FIFA investigating corruption.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07But they've always been corrupt.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11It's like my grandfather - he won the limbo dancing competition years ago in the Olympics,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13but they wouldn't give him a medal.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15They said he just came last in the high jump.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30so make your way over to the performance area, please.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34I'll read out the topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38OK, the first subject is unlikely things to hear at Euro 2012.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44And there we see in the stands John Terry's wife,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47and with his arm around her, Rio Ferdinand.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Well, this French team has three strikers.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Luckily, the other eight have agreed greed to play.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Tonight's game is in the incredible city of Kiev.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09The outskirts are sort of crispy-crumbly.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15And Holland are two down.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Yes, I've finished the crossword!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23And the Greeks have reached the quarter final.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27If only they'd had a massive bet on that.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Oh, that's a bad one, you can see the bone sticking right out.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38These Ukrainian meat pies really are awful.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44And now over to Mark Lawrenson
0:24:44 > 0:24:46who has something really interesting to say.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Well, I've never seen that on a pitch before.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55It seems the referee really is a wanker.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04No, mate. This is row six.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06You're row 2012.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Here in Ukraine, we launch campaign.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Kick football out of racism.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28And that is some incredible dribbling from the Irish supporters.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31JEERS FROM AUDIENCE
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Sorry!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39And things are about to turn ugly
0:25:39 > 0:25:42as we go back to the studio to Adrian Chiles.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49And it's Germany against Greece,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52the ultimate dilemma for the British Royal Family.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59And that is quite simply some wonderful defending there
0:25:59 > 0:26:01from John Terry's legal team.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08Well, the Russians and Ukrainians are going to settle this with a shootout.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11No penalties, just a shootout.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18So, Germany are camped in the Polish half.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Not for the first time.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26And Rooney's trying to get round the keeper,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29but his keeper's not letting him out of his cage.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34OK the next topic is
0:26:34 > 0:26:37things you wouldn't hear on a political discussion show.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Sorry, did I interrupt you?
0:26:47 > 0:26:51No. No, no, no, no, sir. No, no, you've had your say.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Now shut the fuck up.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Round the table tonight - Eric Pickles.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02And round another table - four other politicians.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- BELFAST ACCENT: - Sadomasochism is a perversion.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11But we will clamp down on it.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18And tonight we'll be discussing Greece.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22First question - who'd win in a fight, Danny Zuko or Kenickie?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26So, Nick Clegg,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30which of your two faces would you like to answer that question with?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Yes, I agree, Britain's performance in the second quarter
0:27:38 > 0:27:41has not been all we hoped for. But there is reason for that.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45This is a tough job and I'm shit at it.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53We will not let Abu Hamza off the hook.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Well, Mr Dimbleby, my question is,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02if I were a beleaguered European economy,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04how would you stimulate my growth?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07And that goes to contestant number three.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Of course I understand
0:28:12 > 0:28:15that people are worried about schools and hospitals,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18but what you don't understand is I don't give a shit.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Is anyone else horny?
0:28:28 > 0:28:32And now we're going to head over and see what the polls are telling us.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Hello!
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- Are they Chinese now? - Chinese, yeah, they are.
0:28:40 > 0:28:45It sounds like Powish, the way we say it here in Powand.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Right, now let's go over to Wales and see what they're saying to us.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Moooo!
0:28:56 > 0:28:59And so we have a question here for the Prime Minister,
0:28:59 > 0:29:01from Nancy Cameron, aged eight,
0:29:01 > 0:29:05and it's, "When are you going to pick me up, Daddy?".
0:29:08 > 0:29:11At the end of that round, the points go to Carl, Jo and Andy.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:16 > 0:29:19And that's the end of the show.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:25 > 0:29:30Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield and Carl Donnelly.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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