0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# ..Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week
0:00:38 > 0:00:41are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Marcus Brigstocke.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:50INAUDIBLE CHAT
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We start tonight with a round called
0:00:54 > 0:00:56If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58On the board are six categories. Gary, which would you like?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I would like Home News, please, Dara.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03OK, the category is Home News.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07And the answer is 35 billion. What is the question?
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Is it, how many times have people hit refresh
0:01:11 > 0:01:12on the NatWest website this week?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15LAUGHTER
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Is it, in fact, how much I told the NatWest call centre
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I have in my account at the moment?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Is it, what is God's next significant birthday?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Is it, how many days do we have left of the Olympic torch relay?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35After how many years
0:01:35 > 0:01:38does a bottle of Cillit Bang become safe to handle?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Is it how many calories there are
0:01:43 > 0:01:45in a cheese and Eric Pickles sandwich?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Is, in fact, if you borrow a pound off Wonga.com,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51how much you will have to pay back?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Is it, according to the Daily Mail,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58how many children does an average Somalian family have?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Is it, how many episodes have there been
0:02:03 > 0:02:04of the long-running drama,
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:13You've got to stop going on about that, Hugh.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17You've just got to... CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN: ..buck up.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Is it what number Dappy from N-Dubz is in line to the throne?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Is it, how much will I win if War Horse
0:02:26 > 0:02:27wins the Derby?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30LAUGHTER
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Is it, how many years older than her face
0:02:32 > 0:02:34does Madonna's neck look?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Is it, how many extra tissues have been used worldwide
0:02:43 > 0:02:47since the publication of Fifty Shades of Grey?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Is it very moving, then, is it?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Makes you cry, does it? I've not read it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I'd like to move towards the correct answer.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56I know the answer. How many comedians
0:02:56 > 0:02:58have phoned their accountants this week?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Is this, actually, how much is our tax gap in the UK?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Absolutely right. Thank you, Zoe Lyons.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Well done. Very good.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12APPLAUSE
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17how much money does the Treasury lose due to tax avoidance in a year?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19This comes in a week when a number of famous faces
0:03:19 > 0:03:21were linked to tax avoidance schemes.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Prime Minister David Cameron was criticised
0:03:23 > 0:03:25for singling out comedian Jimmy Carr's behaviour
0:03:25 > 0:03:27as "morally wrong," while remaining silent
0:03:27 > 0:03:31on other individuals' questionable tax arrangements.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34So who wants to comment on this?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Who wants to get onto their moral high horse?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40The thing was, the viewing figures for Eight Out Of Ten Cats
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- doubled last week?- Yes.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47So I think it's only fair, you, as the host of Mock The Week,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50either you need to do some dodgy accountancy practices
0:03:50 > 0:03:52or maybe just host a prostitute-Nazi party
0:03:52 > 0:03:55and we'll all expect an invite.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Can I do plan B?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I've got a brilliant tax avoidance scheme
0:04:00 > 0:04:02that I use personally.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05It's just, earn sod all. That's how I...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07This scheme basically, the K2 scheme,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10is where they sort of hide your money for a while
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- and then they give it you back at a later date.- Yes.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15There's a much easier way of doing that.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Just bank with NatWest.
0:04:17 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I feel sorry for Jersey, because they're now trying to shake off
0:04:26 > 0:04:28the, sort of, tax avoidance tag
0:04:28 > 0:04:30and get back to their traditional reputation
0:04:30 > 0:04:31as Nazi sympathisers.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34They all have really aggressive names.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37They're called K2, and Peak Performance and Ice Breaker.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It is very difficult to tell tax avoidance schemes
0:04:40 > 0:04:42from protein shakes.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45They do sound like something that will both save you money
0:04:45 > 0:04:47and build muscle mass.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Do you know who I feel really bad for?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Who I think suffered the most?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Is it the children? - No, not the children.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Why don't you care about the children?! What the hell?!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- You're heartless! - I don't NOT care about the children!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Do you know who I feel sorry for? Alan Carr.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Alan Carr has probably in the last week
0:05:04 > 0:05:06fielded any number of questions from people
0:05:06 > 0:05:09who didn't quite know which one it was.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Alan Carr has just about shaken off people going,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"How do I stop smoking?"
0:05:16 > 0:05:18And now he's got to talk about tax avoidance.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21The person I feel sorry for is the lady who's apparently got
0:05:21 > 0:05:23the @NatWest Twitter name,
0:05:23 > 0:05:27a lady called Natalie Westerman.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30The amount of abuse she's had this week!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33None of us can claim complete cleanliness in terms of tax avoidance,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35particularly if you're self-employed,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37because there are schemes,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39film investment schemes, for example,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41that a lot of people have put money into.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I myself, I have to say this, am part of a film investment scheme.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I have put all my savings into the big budget production
0:05:47 > 0:05:50of Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Well, I think that's very wise. I do.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Well, you're involved as well.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I mean, because, I play the role of Morag, the nurse.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57in Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I think we're going to make a lot of money back.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Me and Hugh are involved, yeah.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12CHRIS: Does that say, "Directed by Alfred Hitchcock?"
0:06:12 > 0:06:15It's nice to know where the budget for this show goes, isn't it?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19I want it noted how well I look as a nurse.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Surprisingly fitting.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Big shoulders, er...
0:06:23 > 0:06:26GARY: You've got a hint of the Readers' Wives about you there.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30If you turned up at my bed in a hospital
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I'd discharge myself straightaway.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Listen, I have no doubt that you'd discharge yourself.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Why have Michael Gove and Nick Clegg clashed recently?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45It's Gove, as in move. Movement.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47It's pronounced, "Goove".
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- "Goove"?- Yeah, Michael "Goove". - It's Michael "Goove"?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- It's Michael "Goove".- You say this and I'd have to go with it,
0:06:53 > 0:06:54because I've no idea.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It's true. It's pronounced, "Goove".
0:06:56 > 0:07:00OK, why have Michael "Goove" and Nicholas "Claig"...
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Why have Michael...thing...?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Because, Michael "Goove"
0:07:09 > 0:07:14announced a massive education reform proposal
0:07:14 > 0:07:18and didn't tell either David Cameron or Nick Clegg,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22or anyone else, including his friends and family.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25They're looking to sort of bring back O- and A-levels,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28because they think that GCSEs have been devalued
0:07:28 > 0:07:29by people getting too many good grades.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I don't think that's the issue.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34It's just that they've just moved the marking centre to Liverpool,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37so now it's all... LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "A, A, A, A, A!"
0:07:37 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:42 > 0:07:43After tuition fees, though,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Nick Clegg talking anything about education
0:07:46 > 0:07:48is somewhat tricky, isn't it? And obviously, you know,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I feel that students will never, ever forgive him
0:07:51 > 0:07:53for his U-turn on tuition fees.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55So maybe he should just go the other way,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57and actually have MORE of a go at students,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59because I think it could be a vote winner.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01So maybe try and tax Lynx aftershave,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03tax Super Noodles,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06tax people with their pants showing.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10I think it could be, could be on to something.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Is it weird,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17because I didn't come through that system....is it..?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20No, and I think it shows.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21I think it shows.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I did come through A system, thank you very much.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27What system did you come through, then?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I came through the Irish education system,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32where we don't tinker quite as much as you do.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Don't make that joke! Don't make that joke!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38It's been the same for years, the Irish education system.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Because you're graded from
0:08:40 > 0:08:42too-ra-loo-ra-As down to fiddle-dee-Ds.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- Applause?!- ANDY: We're all looking for the Chris Addison
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Dublin gig on the next tour.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54No, going with the O-levels,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57was there some special magical time with the O-levels?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- HUGH: The O levels?- Yes.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01It was a magical time, but it was roughly the same time
0:09:01 > 0:09:03as I lost my virginity, that's why.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05That was a hell of a French oral.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Yes.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Is calling for the O-levels the political equivalent of going,
0:09:15 > 0:09:17"Oh, I wish they'd put Top Of The Pops back on."
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Yeah, spinsters on bikes.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21He basically wants the '80s back.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25He wants everyone driving an Austin Allegro, because they were great.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I get the impression you lost your virginity in an Austin Allegro...
0:09:28 > 0:09:29No.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I think you lost it TO an Austin Allegro.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33My, that exhaust pipe was hot.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I lost mine to an escort. Does that count?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:42 > 0:09:45At the end of that round, the points go
0:09:45 > 0:09:46to Chris, Hugh and Gary.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news,
0:09:56 > 0:09:57and ask Hugh to suggest
0:09:57 > 0:09:59what might be being said.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04HUGH AS PRINCE CHARLES: Right, here we go. Next pub.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Five down, four to go. Six pints in each.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- HE LAUGHS - Oh, what an enormous television!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I can put my hand right through! How do you do that?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Is it 3D? It's very real.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21HUGH AS WELSH BARMAN: We ARE real. We're a serving hatch in a pub.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Yes, I knew that...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Anyway, I tell you what. I'll have a pint of that, please.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31That is a charity collecting tin.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Is it? I knew that! I knew that!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37In that case, I'll have whatever's in the barrel.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39A pint of Clungeplunger, please.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41And a packet of porky scratchings.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Unless you've got any biscuits. Duchy Originals.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I don't have to pay for them, you see,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47because I own the company.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - I was saying to these fellas,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I only drink warm bitter at the moment.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Well, you would, if you'd spent four hours
0:10:57 > 0:10:59on a sodding royal barge
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Yes, feel that. Still freezing. It's weeks ago. Freezing!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Feel my hands. Still freezing.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Oh, look! Lovely. A pint of bitter. I love bitter, don't you?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09It's almost as British
0:11:09 > 0:11:11as will.i.am wants to be.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Anyway, down the hatch.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18# Get it down you, Zulu warrior! #
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Oh, no, that's a bit off, I think.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Yes, I tell you what,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26I think the old pipes need a bit of a clean.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28As they said to Prince Philip.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I tell you what, here's a question.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Are pints getting smaller or is my hand getting bigger?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40# Show me the way to go home
0:11:40 > 0:11:42# Can you show me the way to go home? #
0:11:42 > 0:11:45To be honest, it could be almost anywhere
0:11:45 > 0:11:48because I have an enormous number of homes.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52I tell you what, why don't you join us
0:11:52 > 0:11:55on the next stage of the pub crawl?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I think it might be The Crown and The Sceptre.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02That's as close as I'm going to get to either of them.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Well done, Hugh! Well done!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:12 > 0:12:15OK, now we play a round called Shut Your Loophole.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17This game involves Gary, Zoe and Chris.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20So, if you could make your way to the performance area.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22This is a stand up challenge. I launch the wheel of news
0:12:22 > 0:12:23and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26someone must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Here we go. Let's spin the wheel. - WHEEL WHIRS
0:12:31 > 0:12:33First subject is the internet.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Who wants to come in on that? Zoe.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Ah, the internet! Love the internet.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41That actually reminds me, cos I've got to keep an eye on the time.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I'm bidding on something on eBay this evening.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45It's Greece.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:50It's just me and Germany going head-to-head.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Fingers crossed!
0:12:52 > 0:12:53I've got one of those Twitter trolls.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I'm hip with the kids. I've got a Twitter troll.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58They're horrible things, though, these Twitter trolls
0:12:58 > 0:13:00because they send you abuse online.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02The thing I really hate about it is it's anonymous.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05That's what really annoys me. It's the awful things they say.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07"You're not funny, Zoe Lyons."
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"Call yourself a comedian?!"
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"Of all of my children, you're the least favourite."
0:13:11 > 0:13:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I get a lot of junk mail as well. People find it annoying,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21but I think it's always worth going through.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22You might miss a bargain.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Only this week I went through my junk mail
0:13:24 > 0:13:27and now I have cleverly consolidated all of my bank accounts
0:13:27 > 0:13:30into one Nigerian account... LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:33..and I have a much bigger penis.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:41OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43WHEEL WHIRS
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Travel. Who wants to come in on that?
0:13:45 > 0:13:46- I'll do that!- Chris!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51It's getting very expensive to travel abroad.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52I don't fly abroad any more.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54You could go by easyJet, but I don't fly easyJet.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58I'm too scared to fly easyJet. I'm sure they're perfectly safe.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59I'm sure their pilots are second to none,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02best planes you could ask for,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04but imagine if you were on an easyJet flight,
0:14:04 > 0:14:10and you did crash on a snowy mountain top and you all survived.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Would you want to eat those people?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I won't have a shepherds pie from Asda.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I'm not having some woman in cerise leggings.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28It's not happening.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33easyJet is essentially a middle class plot to keep BA to ourselves.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36It's the same reason we're opening up M&S Food on the motorway.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38That's so we've got somewhere to stop
0:14:38 > 0:14:41where you're not sat next to someone going, "What's a COCKING panini?!"
0:14:44 > 0:14:46And now, thank God, Waitrose on the motorway.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I was in Waitrose...
0:14:49 > 0:14:52not on the motorway...I was in Waitrose near where I live,
0:14:52 > 0:14:56and there was a woman ahead of me in the basket queue.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59She had two items in her basket.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02She had a tin of SlimFast
0:15:02 > 0:15:04and a pregnancy test kit.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:08She was thinking, "Well, it's one or the other."
0:15:08 > 0:15:10APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Thank you very much, Chris.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Well done.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17OK, that leave us with Gary.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Let's see what topic you have. Let's spin the wheel.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23And it's Relationships.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Right. Relationships.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31It's good to be here. Last time I was here, a girl asked me for sex.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32I had to disappoint her.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34We had sex.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I got a DVD, How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42It was really good.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I couldn't be bothered with that.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Last night I had beef stew with dumplings.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I shouldn't call her that, but she's a big girl.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I went to see the stalactites at Cheddar Gorge,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02and our guide asked us not to try and crack one off,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04and she wasn't even that attractive.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I still managed.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09It was very dark.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11This morning,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators' support group.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16But it turns out it's tomorrow.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I think a few men started clapping before the end of that joke, by the way.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30My girlfriend's dog died.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33So to cheer her up, I got her an identical one. She was livid.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
0:16:39 > 0:16:41A friend of mine had a penis extension.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Now his house looks really stupid.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Very good.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52At the end of that round, the points go to Gary Delaney!
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Well done.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Come back, come back.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Our next round is called Headliners.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Here's a picture of the England football team,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09but what does PHFE stand for?
0:17:09 > 0:17:14Is it everything that the England football team are no good at?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Passing, Headers, Footwork, Everything.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19(ANDY PARSONS) I think if it's to do with Rooney,
0:17:19 > 0:17:23I reckon it's Potato Head Fancies Elderly.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Or Pretend Hair For Ever.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Is it what Steven Gerrard thinks is wrong with the team.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Is it...
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- MOCK SCOUSE ACCENT: - Passin', Headin', Football, Ehh...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I think it's proof that education needs reform.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Two of those men were asked to write GCSE.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Do you know that if you dial the number on their shorts,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57you get through to a helpline?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Ashley Cole is covering his ears
0:18:02 > 0:18:06as if trying to protect himself from some awful screech, so is it...
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Player Hears From Ex?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Is it just simply Players' Heads Found Empty?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Is it an extract from Boris Johnson's commentary?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Peasants, Halfwits, Fools, Ectophytes!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I'm going to move you towards a correct answer.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Pregnant Hooker Frightens England.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Very close.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Is it, as it sadly always is, Penalty Heartache For England?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Yes, it is. Thank you very much, Zoe.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39APPLAUSE
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Yes, the answer I was looking for was Penalty Heartache For England.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45This is the news that, after reaching the quarter-final stages
0:18:45 > 0:18:48of Euro 2012, England suffered penalty agony yet again,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50as they crashed out of the tournament
0:18:50 > 0:18:53in a shoot-out against Italy, watched by a peak audience of 23 million people.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Were you all watching it?- Yes.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Yes. We weren't very good, were we? We couldn't hold the ball very well.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01And there was one moment, wasn't there? Where the referee...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04There was an Italian injury, and so he had to stop the play,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07and then he gave the ball back to the English players,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10but explained to them that he wanted them to give it back
0:19:10 > 0:19:11to the Italians.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14And I was thinking, "He didn't have to explain. They were going to do that anyway."
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"Just let the game proceed as normal for 30 seconds.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"They'll get it, they'll get it, they'll get it back."
0:19:20 > 0:19:23The whole game was very unfair. The Italians had a ball. Why didn't we have one?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29We lost on penalties didn't we? Right, which was very disappointing,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31and we went out. But if you look on the bright side,
0:19:31 > 0:19:35really all that's happened is we would've played Germany in the next round,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39so all's that happened is we've lost on penalties four days earlier than we would've.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42In many ways, we've got those four days back.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44We've got those four days back.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I think that it was a very telling statistic, wasn't it?
0:19:47 > 0:19:52That England's most frequent passer was Ashley Cole, with 44 passes,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54including the last one, of course,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57to the Italian goalkeeper in the form of a penalty.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Who was their second most frequent passer?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Would it have been Joe Hart, the goalkeeper?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04He was playing with a lot of excitement.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Joe Hart in the goal, though. God love him, he did his best. - He did a great job.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09He did his little kind of bear thing before each penalty.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12He was like, "Rrr. I'm your little tiger,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15"I'm going be a tiger, and I'm going to scare you."
0:20:15 > 0:20:18He was doing little mimes in the goal-line.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21It was more like an uncle with a three-year-old.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24"Oh, I'm a bear. I'm going to chase you."
0:20:24 > 0:20:26"You want to kick the ball now?"
0:20:26 > 0:20:30"Who's got a good kick? Who's got a good kick?"
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"Ooooh. Oooh."
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Oh, you have got a good kick. Yes.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39My favourite quarter-final was, in fact, Greece against Germany,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42because I was hoping when the referee tossed the coin
0:20:42 > 0:20:45at the beginning, the Greek captain would nick it and piss off.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:53It seems to me... I'm a non-football fan.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58The penalty thing seems a very cruel and arbitrary way of sorting it out.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Cos they could do so many exciting things,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03like keep playing and every two minutes, take a player off.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Yep.- Once you're down to five, introduce a lion.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Do you know what I mean?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Just lively and fun. There'd be a definite ending then.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And, you know, fewer players and stuff like that.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Blindfold them, or, like pinball, Two Ball Screwball.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Every two minutes, put another ball on the pitch.- Multi-ball.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21People have suggested multi-ball in the past. I like Zombie Ball,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23where you introduce a zombie
0:21:23 > 0:21:25and the zombie bites people and they become zombies.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29And eventually you've only a few players left or whatever.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32What happens if Rooney gets bitten, though? How would you know?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36APPLAUSE
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Wayne Rooney said that having an English manager made it easier
0:21:41 > 0:21:44to understand tactic talks.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46And, er...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Those are not the words he'd have used, "tactics talks".
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- He'd have gone on that.- Yes. - "T-t-t-t..."
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Because Fabio Capello was the previous manager
0:21:54 > 0:21:56and didn't speak English particularly well.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59But Fabio Capello then went on the radio when he heard, and said...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Tssss!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Saucer of milk for Fabio Capello!
0:22:13 > 0:22:17I think there are consolations to this tournament being over.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Now at last we don't have to hear politicians talking about it,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23which is my least favourite thing about international football tournaments,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26when politicians try to be a man of the people, it's excruciating.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Much worse when it's Cameron, cos he's so manifestly posh.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Hearing him going, "That's why I say, 'Come on, England!'
0:22:32 > 0:22:35"I shall be wearing my second best top hat and my lucky monocle
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"all the way through Euro 2012!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"I love football, it's so rare you get to see working-class people
0:22:40 > 0:22:43"running about without having to chase them yourself with a stick."
0:22:43 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:47 > 0:22:50On the plus side, though, the England fans were well-behaved.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Cos there was a lot of talk
0:22:52 > 0:22:56about the Polish and their abusive chanting and their hooliganism.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00And, of course, that's what England used to be the best in the world at.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04One more thing that now the Poles do better than we do.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05APPLAUSE
0:23:05 > 0:23:10OK, at the end of that round the points go to Marcus, Zoe and Andy.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16So if everyone makes their way to the performance area...
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I'll read the week's topics. We'll see what our panellists come up with.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Unlikely Things To Read On A Health Insurance Form.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Would you describe the condition of your heart as A - Very good,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34B - Mediumly good, or C -...
0:23:34 > 0:23:35BOO!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37BUZZER
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Do you ever...
0:23:41 > 0:23:42temporary blackouts?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:45 > 0:23:48BUZZER
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Do objects in the middle distance appear to be coming to me,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54to you, to me, to you?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You may be suffering from ChuckleVision.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Are you suffering from, or have you ever had an STD?
0:24:06 > 0:24:07You slag!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10BUZZER
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Are you the only black guy in a horror film?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Have you ever experienced a burning sensation when you pee?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Were you drunk at the time
0:24:25 > 0:24:27and holding a cigarette at the same time?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29BUZZER
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Please describe your alcohol intake.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Moderate, average, excessive...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Glaswegian.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:24:42 > 0:24:43What's your blood type?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46"It can do 50 words-a-minute, innit, bruv."
0:24:48 > 0:24:51BUZZER APPLAUSE
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Buddhists...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56what was your last cause of death?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:59 > 0:25:00BUZZER
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Do you suffer from dyslexia?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07If so, please put a bick in this tox.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09BUZZER
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Do you smoke?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Can I have one?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18BUZZER
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Do you hear voices? No. Are you deaf? No.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27So you do hear voices? Yes. I'm sorry, you have lied.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29BUZZER
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Would you describe yourself as very fit, quite fit...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36or a bit of a minger?
0:25:36 > 0:25:37BUZZER
0:25:39 > 0:25:44Do you suffer from dizziness, double vision or seizures?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Then why did you take a penalty for England?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:25:50 > 0:25:52OK, the next topic is...
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Unlikely Lines From A War Movie.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Bad luck, Sir Winston.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I'm afraid the Second World War's gone to penalties.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:26:06 > 0:26:11I'm going to go and rescue a horse that's trapped in the wire.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13You put the potatoes on.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15BUZZER
0:26:18 > 0:26:20We've located the battleship.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24It is in the squares B5, B6, B7, 8, 9.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:26:31 > 0:26:34I was sent upriver in Vietnam,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36tasked with killing a renegade colonel.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40That was one hell of a gap year.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42BUZZER APPLAUSE
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I haven't seen a case of trench foot this bad
0:26:48 > 0:26:50since the Isle Of Wight Festival.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51BUZZER
0:26:54 > 0:26:58It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Anyway, enough about that Tulisa video.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:27:02 > 0:27:03BUZZER
0:27:06 > 0:27:11Well, if nothing else, this is going to make a lovely tapestry.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:15BUZZER
0:27:19 > 0:27:24We're at 5,000 fathoms. BING! The hull will never take it, Captain!
0:27:24 > 0:27:28BING! And you going, "BING" isn't helping either!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30BUZZER
0:27:31 > 0:27:36Louie, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39But only if you dress up as a nurse and give me a discharge.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41BUZZER
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Sir, new intelligence has come in from the letters page
0:27:45 > 0:27:49of the Daily Mail, and it seems Herr Hitler has a point.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52BUZZER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I can't stand the sound of the guns.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Why did I move to Tottenham?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:01 > 0:28:03BUZZER
0:28:06 > 0:28:09In the Marines, our motto is, "No-one gets left behind."
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Private Cameron, where is your daughter?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14BUZZER
0:28:14 > 0:28:16APPLAUSE
0:28:18 > 0:28:21We make an amphibious landing here.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23We scale the cliff, avoid the sweeper,
0:28:23 > 0:28:27bounce on the big balls and I'll meet you in the Wipeout zone.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29APPLAUSE BUZZER
0:28:29 > 0:28:33Chaps, we're about to go over the top.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36I have a message for you from High Command. It simply says...
0:28:36 > 0:28:39# War! What is it good for?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41# Absolutely nothin' Say it again now!
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- # War! # - BUZZER
0:28:44 > 0:28:47APPLAUSE
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Don't put your stuff in that one, it's got a really catchy edge on it.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53I call it The Hurt Locker.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54BUZZER
0:28:56 > 0:29:00Me-dic! Me-dic! Me-dic!
0:29:00 > 0:29:03I'll tell you what the problem is - I've been shot in me dick!
0:29:03 > 0:29:04BUZZER
0:29:04 > 0:29:07OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Yes!
0:29:13 > 0:29:15And that's the end of the show.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis
0:29:18 > 0:29:21- and Gary Delaney. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:23 > 0:29:28Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Marcus Brigstocke.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:29:43 > 0:29:46# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:29:48 > 0:29:51# Read all about it
0:29:51 > 0:29:53# Read all about it
0:29:53 > 0:29:56# News of the world News of the world. #
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd