:02:24. > :02:33.Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this
:02:34. > :02:35.
:02:35. > :02:41.week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Chris Chris Chris. Hoogenband
:02:41. > :02:51.Hugh Mark Dennis and Milton Jones. Before we start I should point out
:02:51. > :02:53.
:02:53. > :02:59.that this is our 100th show! Yes, hallelujah! Episode one went out in
:02:59. > :03:08.June, 2005. Here is a picture of how Andy and I looked back then.
:03:08. > :03:14.I do look like an IRA political prisoner! I look really like my own
:03:14. > :03:22.grandmother! So, the questions tonight, Hugh, by the way, is the
:03:22. > :03:32.only person who has been on all 100 shows, well done to Hugh! APPLAUSE
:03:32. > :03:32.
:03:32. > :03:40.You may have to work on the timing here! APPLAUSE
:03:40. > :03:44.There you go! Andy's on 95, but he will never make up that five.
:03:44. > :03:49.It was a different time. 2005, a different time.
:03:49. > :03:54.You can't go back. Well, you can if you watch Dave.
:03:54. > :04:00.Pre-Twitter, what did people do? Did they open the windows and go
:04:00. > :04:04.hahaha! LOL! Any way, we start tonight, however, with the 100th
:04:05. > :04:10.show with a round called Picture of the Week. So, who is this and why
:04:10. > :04:13.is he in the news this week? That is Bob Diamond.
:04:13. > :04:22.Who is Bob Diamond? He is the CEO of Barclays.
:04:22. > :04:27.Why is he in the news? He resigned. Why? Because he's been a bad boy.
:04:27. > :04:30.He massaged the interest rate. He manipulated the LIBOR.
:04:30. > :04:35.That is what the Labour Party is called in the Midlands.
:04:35. > :04:42.What I love is the chairman resigned, he is named Marcus Agius.
:04:42. > :04:48.Who is he, commander of the armies of the north? General Phoenix
:04:48. > :04:55.Legion. He was preparing for the Conquest of Gaul! And I am Marcus
:04:55. > :05:04.Meridius Agius, I will have my fiscal bonus in this life or the
:05:04. > :05:11.next! And a disgraced Roman empire, should he be surrounded? Are should
:05:11. > :05:16.Marcus Agius when he walks into the room, should we be going... This is
:05:16. > :05:22.one of those scandals when everyone is furious, but nobody knows what
:05:22. > :05:26.they are furious about. All we know is that Barclays has done something
:05:26. > :05:31.bloody awful and that man should go. I don't know why? But I think I am
:05:31. > :05:37.furious about the whole thing. What is it? They dabbled in LIBOR,
:05:37. > :05:42.the London Interbank Offered Rate. They managed to drive it down.
:05:42. > :05:46.Drive it down? How dare they? Well, that meant the interest rates were
:05:46. > :05:50.lower than the mortgage. Oh, oh, conflicted now.
:05:50. > :05:57.I found out that my bank were fixing the loan rate. I went there
:05:57. > :06:00.every day to shout at them. Then I consolidated my anger into a
:06:01. > :06:07.monthly outburst. APPLAUSE
:06:07. > :06:12.If there is one thing I want to say, I am shocked about Barclays. They
:06:12. > :06:16.have been dodgy, they refused to boycott South Africa a few years
:06:16. > :06:21.ago, that is why I boycotted Barclays.
:06:21. > :06:28.That is why I also don't bank with Barclays. I feel that I did my bit.
:06:28. > :06:36.When I was little I did not eat South African apples, I feel I have
:06:36. > :06:43.done my... You were mentioned by Mandela yesterday! Well... Parsons
:06:43. > :06:48.got me through the hard years. It was easy for me, I did not like
:06:48. > :06:54.apples, had it been Sherbert Dib- Dab. I bank at Barclays, when I
:06:54. > :07:00.moved over here I went into the Lloyds, they were the first bank
:07:00. > :07:05.that I walked into as I walked past, but Lloyds don't accept Irish
:07:05. > :07:12.patriots as a form l form of identifies.
:07:12. > :07:20.China accepted it! They are going, "I don't know who you are." In
:07:20. > :07:26.other news, who took his -- whose wife took him business surprise?
:07:26. > :07:30.Not mine. Tom Cruise's wife asked him for a
:07:30. > :07:35.dwors. Is anyone shocked about this. If a fake marriage is not going to
:07:35. > :07:38.last, then what hope is there for the rest of us? I hope that Tom
:07:38. > :07:42.does not do anything stupid. You know when you are vulnerable when
:07:42. > :07:47.things go wrong with a relationship. You may end up joining a cult, that
:07:47. > :07:54.sort of thing. It is a shame for him, he thought it was a marriage
:07:55. > :08:00.made in Lcuh Manar! I found out that apparently he proposed to her,
:08:00. > :08:05.standing on top of the Eiffel Tower. Now I know he is paranoid about his
:08:05. > :08:10.height... But that seemed... don't know much about it, but I
:08:10. > :08:14.can't take it seriously. It sounds like the kind of word your uncle
:08:14. > :08:23.would use if you are talking about careers or something.
:08:23. > :08:32.So you doing maths, yes, you are doing physics, well, why not become
:08:32. > :08:40.a Scientologist! That is a career. It sounds like a word that the
:08:40. > :08:46.cosmetics company uses. The Pantene Pro-V company.
:08:46. > :08:50.They dropped him in a vat of this, it kept his skin lovely and smooth.
:08:51. > :08:55.Do you know why it is treated as a religion? It is because of tax
:08:55. > :08:58.purposes. That is something that Jimmy Carr could look into. They
:08:58. > :09:03.don't worship me, they just laugh a lot.
:09:04. > :09:08.When he first announced, his excitement about Katie Holmes, he
:09:08. > :09:12.went on the Oprah Winfrey Show. He jumped up and down on the sofa.
:09:12. > :09:22.Even that was calculated. It is hardly a risk jumping up and down
:09:22. > :09:23.
:09:23. > :09:29.on the sofa. If it can take her weight! The Oprah fan club are out
:09:29. > :09:35.tonight! I was not thinking she had that big a fan club. You can say
:09:35. > :09:45.what you want about Tom, but don't go after Oprah! Would you trust a
:09:45. > :09:54.man who had been on three missions, which he said were impossible?
:09:54. > :10:00.The points there go to Chris, Hugh and Milton! Now, we play a round
:10:00. > :10:06.called Wheel of Cruise: Marriage Impossible III! This game involves
:10:07. > :10:12.Milton and Ava. So make your way over to the performance area please.
:10:12. > :10:16.Where the wheel chooses to stop, one of our performers has to step
:10:16. > :10:21.forward and talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is
:10:21. > :10:25.the funniest. The first one is animals, who wants to come in on
:10:25. > :10:30.that? Ava. I recently found out there was a
:10:30. > :10:34.mouse in my flat. Don't look at me like that, I am not dirty. So I
:10:34. > :10:39.called the guy from Rentokil. He comes along. There is something
:10:39. > :10:45.weird. They don't tell you anything that comforts you. So the guy says
:10:45. > :10:49.that they have to block all of the holes in my flat. That a mouse can
:10:49. > :10:52.collapse its vertebrae and squeeze through a hole the size of a pencil.
:10:52. > :10:56.I thought, gosh, if you have to collapse the vertebrae in order to
:10:56. > :11:01.get in somewhere, perhaps you should not be there. It is extreme!
:11:01. > :11:05.I will not stay in a house that has mice in it. So I move to my
:11:05. > :11:11.friend's house, before I go, the man tells me to leave the TV on as
:11:11. > :11:16.the mice may laer it and think that people are there. As I was staying
:11:16. > :11:20.at my friend's house, it was past midnight. I was on the sofa, I
:11:20. > :11:26.could not sleep. I started to get angry. Here I am, that creature is
:11:26. > :11:30.back in my flat sitting on the sofa, watching Rastamouse! I did get rid
:11:30. > :11:36.of them. That was great. It was the worst thing that could happen to me.
:11:36. > :11:42.I hate mice so much. I only ever wear make-up that is tested on
:11:42. > :11:46.animals. APPLAUSE OK. That leaves us with Milton.
:11:46. > :11:55.Let's see what you have been left with. Let's spin the wheel. The
:11:55. > :12:05.topic is nationality. If you're addicted to Mets, you are
:12:05. > :12:10.either an alcoholic or a South African with a real love of numbers.
:12:10. > :12:17.I've got a friend who got caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia.
:12:17. > :12:24.Fortunately, he had tonen a prosthetic hand. Unfortunately, it
:12:24. > :12:30.was a second offence! So, I'm in France, I see an old lady snithing
:12:30. > :12:35.in the town square, I say voulez vous crochet avec moi? I used to
:12:35. > :12:43.teach English in Germany, first day I taught them everything beginning
:12:43. > :12:51.with A, the second day everything beginning with B, D-Day was tricky.
:12:51. > :13:01.So, I'm in a disco in Tehran... All of these women are dancing around a
:13:01. > :13:02.
:13:02. > :13:06.handbag, singing Iranian men, hallelujah! Recently, I phoned up
:13:06. > :13:10.the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long
:13:10. > :13:15.neck. It turns out, I had phoned Dial-A-
:13:15. > :13:22.Llama. Thank you very much.
:13:22. > :13:32.You are welcome back. APPLAUSE
:13:32. > :13:36.
:13:36. > :13:39.Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
:13:39. > :13:45.What answer would you like, Mark? Sport.
:13:45. > :13:51.The answer is how many times has Usain Bolt won the 100 metres.
:13:51. > :13:56.Is it, if I told you once, is it... How many cocktail sticks do you
:13:56. > :14:03.have to glue to a mouse to make it into a hedgehog? Is it how many
:14:03. > :14:09.years of hurt do we have to sing about, if we ever re-relaes Three
:14:09. > :14:14.Lions? Is it how many days of rain fell in June? How many miles did
:14:14. > :14:18.the Proclaimers walk before they realise that the girl was being
:14:18. > :14:28.high maintenance? Is it how many Sugababes are left? Is it what do
:14:28. > :14:33.three baby eagles look like when only one of them has hatch snd
:14:33. > :14:40.hatched? Is it after Jay-Z's girlfriend first heard the song
:14:40. > :14:47.when he refers to it as a bitch, how many problems did he then have?
:14:47. > :14:54.Is it how many years since my grandfather launched the first
:14:54. > :15:01.motorised iceberg? Is it too soon? It can't be off the menu now?!
:15:01. > :15:08.did not know Oprah Winfrey was on the Titanic? That is what sank it!
:15:08. > :15:13.Oh! A perfect storm of horror. Is it what percentage of the
:15:13. > :15:17.Conservative Party think Fifty Shades of Grey is about John Major?
:15:17. > :15:22.It's about the Olympic budget, isn't it? It is.
:15:22. > :15:27.Was it how many percent was the Olympic budget over budget? You are
:15:27. > :15:32.absolutely right, Hugh! APPLAUSE Yes, the question I was looking for
:15:32. > :15:41.was, by what percentage is London 2012 expected to be over budget.
:15:41. > :15:49.This is news of the sports-related costs of the Games is to reach 8 .4
:15:49. > :15:53.billion -- �8 .4 billion. It is due to be the most overbudget Games
:15:53. > :15:59.since Atlanta, and the most expensive Games ever.
:15:59. > :16:04.It was alarming after Atlanta, they just sank it under water.
:16:04. > :16:09.If you want to build something efficiently and cheaply, not in
:16:09. > :16:17.east London, "That appears to be a lovely Olympic Stadium you are
:16:17. > :16:24.building, what a shame if something were to happen to it ?", "Oh, dear,
:16:24. > :16:29.oh, dear, oh, dear, your velodrome appears to have gone missing
:16:29. > :16:37.overnight." Every week Sarah Beeny says you have not budgeted enough.
:16:37. > :16:40.People were not paying attention as Sarah was increasingly pregnant,
:16:40. > :16:50.not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant.
:16:50. > :16:51.
:16:51. > :16:57.What sair -- Sarah would do? She would say get gold metal plating.
:16:57. > :17:02.Well, you don't need all of those seats, nobody can get a ticket.
:17:02. > :17:08.Stop whining, it was a computer driven lottery. You were not
:17:08. > :17:13.singled out. The computer did not go, "Mark Watson, don't like."
:17:13. > :17:20.going to three events! You were playing them like a violin.
:17:20. > :17:28.What are you seeing? Boxing, that is close to my heart.
:17:28. > :17:35.I got tickets, sweet tickets. I'm going to the water polio ground for
:17:35. > :17:42.two matches. Thank you! Kazakhstan versus either Australia or Austria,
:17:43. > :17:48.I can't work it out. I would have thought Kazakhstan
:17:48. > :17:53.versus Australia in water polio, it is fairly clear? You don't know!
:17:53. > :17:58.is a central Asian land-locked country, versus people who live by
:17:58. > :18:03.the beach! People who live by the beach don't use swimming pools as
:18:03. > :18:07.much as those who are land-locked! People who are land-locked don't
:18:07. > :18:12.have the beach. All they have are pools.
:18:12. > :18:19.Australia don't need to put a great whait in before they feel at home!
:18:19. > :18:29.There is no water in Kazakhstan! There is rain in Kazakhstan.
:18:29. > :18:37.
:18:37. > :18:41.rain, let us practise! Look, a water bottle! The spelling of
:18:41. > :18:50.Kazakhstan... Or possibly an H after that, I'm not sure. I'm going
:18:50. > :18:54.to do this phonetically...give me a KA. Give me a ZAC, give me a HSTAN.
:18:54. > :19:00.Other news, by the way, my favourites during the week are of
:19:00. > :19:04.the procession of the torch, the endless procession of the torch, it
:19:04. > :19:11.is with Jill Makinson-Sanders, the Mayor of Lincolnshire, who decided
:19:11. > :19:14.as the torch was passing through the town to dress up as one of the
:19:15. > :19:20.local products of Louth in Lincolnshire, here is how she
:19:20. > :19:25.decided to dress up, one of the local products, a sausage. She ran
:19:25. > :19:34.alongside the torch as a giant penis down the streets... It looks
:19:34. > :19:41.like you! It does not look like me! It is nothing like me! My arms do
:19:41. > :19:44.not start above my chin like that?! The 100th programme and the first
:19:44. > :19:51.time we have been heckled by the audience.
:19:51. > :19:56.You look like a penis sausage! you want to, you probably can't do
:19:56. > :20:06.a clever thing, to disprove the fact that I look... Can it be done?
:20:06. > :20:14.Just to Scotch the rumours that I look anything like a 6ft tall penis
:20:14. > :20:20.sausage?! It this why you were not allowed into the bank and use your
:20:20. > :20:30.passport photo? I look nothing like the... Oh, look, there it is.
:20:30. > :20:31.
:20:31. > :20:41.Nothing like that! APPLAUSE Bring your hands up.
:20:41. > :20:42.
:20:42. > :20:49.And the other hand... Actually! Well, somebody's got a new twita
:20:49. > :20:56.avatar! Now, the -- Well, somebody's got a new Twitter
:20:56. > :21:03.avatar! Now, to 'Scenes We'd Like To See'. I will read the topics and
:21:03. > :21:08.we see what the panellists can come up with. The first subject is,
:21:08. > :21:15.unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon... Due to Mock The Week
:21:15. > :21:24.overrunning. Footage from Centre Court has been cancelled.
:21:24. > :21:31.It's out again, bigger shorts, that's what he needs.
:21:31. > :21:38.Well, that is an incredibly strong back-hand, but he did tell the ball
:21:38. > :21:46.boy he wanted the water ice cold. Welcome to centre court, they have
:21:46. > :21:49.just closed the roof, it's a lot lower than we thought.
:21:50. > :21:55.There appears to be a lot of grunting in this woman's match. If
:21:55. > :22:00.the man at the back does not stop it, we are going to have to ask him
:22:00. > :22:09.to leave. So, that rain delay was slightly
:22:09. > :22:14.longer than we were hoping, it is now mid-August.... So, Venus and
:22:14. > :22:24.Serena, the old rivals meet again, it is the eternal question, which
:22:24. > :22:25.
:22:25. > :22:35.one would you do? So, 15.40. The last time someone British won here.
:22:35. > :22:35.
:22:35. > :22:41.And it is the Russian favourite And it's the Russian favourite 'Novak
:22:41. > :22:47.Inchinz' against the British Number three 'Absolutely Novak Inchinz.'
:22:48. > :22:53.He is very lucky to only get to 40, I've only loved five, I had to pay
:22:53. > :22:58.three of them. Of course, they start training
:22:58. > :23:05.tennis umpires at a very young age. There they are, sitting in their
:23:05. > :23:09.high chairs, shouting 'Juice, Juice'.
:23:09. > :23:17.And play has been interup theed as two players walk on to the court,
:23:17. > :23:23.saying they have it booked from 4.00pm, it is now 4.05pm. Fanned we
:23:23. > :23:28.have a look at the follow-through, we can see he should not have worn
:23:28. > :23:34.white shorts! The doubles have proved great entertainment today.
:23:34. > :23:42.I've had ten of them and let me tell you, sue Barker is looking
:23:42. > :23:46.absolutely gorgeous. Next up is 'Things You Wouldn't See
:23:46. > :23:56.On A Consumer Programme'. On Watchdog tonight, Anne Robinson
:23:56. > :23:56.
:23:56. > :24:01.has had a seizure, but you won't be able to tell.
:24:01. > :24:07.Dear Watchdog, these sausages are inedible, I don't know what it is,
:24:07. > :24:12.they look like someone off the telly! APPLAUSE
:24:12. > :24:21.The patio had been badly laid and three weeks later, the body popped
:24:21. > :24:28.up again. My loft has recently been converted.
:24:28. > :24:33.It is now Muslim and won't let me in unless I take my shoes off.
:24:33. > :24:38.You can invest your money in a high-interest ISA, accountior can
:24:38. > :24:47.blow the lot on cocaine. Come on, man, you used to be fun, what is
:24:47. > :24:51.wrong with you. Tonight, we are investigating
:24:51. > :24:57.United Dairies, Roy Whiting and Cadbury's, in a feature we are
:24:57. > :25:03.calling milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner, chocolate's made.
:25:03. > :25:09.Where are the best places to watch other people having sex? We'll find
:25:09. > :25:16.out tonight on Watchdogging. And the moral of the story, even if
:25:16. > :25:20.it is called crazy golf, don't have your Willy out, good night.
:25:20. > :25:27.This camera we are using is really, really tiny, which is lucky,
:25:27. > :25:32.because that rogue builder is about to shove it up my arse.
:25:32. > :25:39.He paid for the house to be pebble- dashed, but the technique was not
:25:39. > :25:48.quite what he expected. My doctor said I could have up to
:25:48. > :25:53.20 units a week, now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
:25:53. > :25:59.We tested this dishwasher against this dishwasher, and the Filipino
:25:59. > :26:09.was better. Not only would the toilet not flush,
:26:09. > :26:09.
:26:09. > :26:19.but I am now banned from IKEA. If it sounds too good to be true
:26:19. > :26:26.and it looks too good to be true, then it's magic.
:26:26. > :26:32.OK, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
:26:32. > :26:39.That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Chris Addison,
:26:39. > :26:43.Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones. Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Ava
:26:43. > :26:47.Vidal and Mark Watson. That's it for this week, but as this is our
:26:47. > :26:51.100th show, we are going to leave you with some of our favourite
:26:51. > :26:56.moments from the previous 99. Good night.
:26:56. > :27:02.There is a small note from the desk that I get into my ear, Frankie,
:27:02. > :27:09.Hugh, if we can have stuff that we can actually broadcast.
:27:09. > :27:16.Nobody mentioned that! I think that should be the antispeeding advert.
:27:16. > :27:26.Footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
:27:26. > :27:27.
:27:27. > :27:32.She was wearing black? Or was it red? Am I married? That is a line
:27:32. > :27:36.in the sand. You can't even see the land in the sand.
:27:36. > :27:42.We need action replay. That was a lovely moment. Show them what you
:27:42. > :27:48.did, it was fantastic. Did I really? I do that kind of thing the
:27:48. > :27:54.whole time. That is entirely me. it again.
:27:54. > :28:04.You see, you sad nan, a letter here from George, what says, please, can
:28:04. > :28:04.
:28:04. > :28:09.you bring me an early day order paper. (in the voice of Jimmy
:28:09. > :28:14.Saville) And the band was Showaddywaddy. Do you think that I
:28:14. > :28:24.look like Pierce Brosnan with a mouthful of sweets.
:28:24. > :28:30.I tell you who does not hate Konnie Huq, hey, Dara? What do you mean,
:28:30. > :28:40.does she dress up for you? Well, kids TV, I like that kind of thing.
:28:40. > :28:43.
:28:43. > :28:50.She is getting dised at the moment. Two financial institutions in
:28:50. > :28:51.America, they are Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, that is short-hand for
:28:51. > :28:54.Federal National Mortgage Corporation and the Federal Home
:28:54. > :28:57.Loan Mortgage Corporation. When I heard the headlines that
:28:57. > :29:04.Fannie Mae had collapsed, I thought that Kerry Katona was pregnant
:29:04. > :29:14.again. I used to farm cats. Let me tell you, their eggs don't taste
:29:14. > :29:23.
:29:23. > :29:28.nearly as chocolatey as they look! Miss Fat Angle, 2006.
:29:28. > :29:34.Did you hear the woman, she went, "I put a curse on you." They are
:29:34. > :29:40.always giving it the curse. The minute it kicks off, "I put a curse
:29:40. > :29:44.on you." I saw you coming through me crystal ball.