:01:03. > :01:07.This programme contains strong Hello. Welcome to Mock the Week.
:01:08. > :01:10.I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Josh
:01:10. > :01:18.Widdicombe and Miles Jupp, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton
:01:18. > :01:21.Jones. APPLAUSE
:01:21. > :01:24.We start with a round called if this is the answer, what is the
:01:24. > :01:30.question. On the board are six categories, Josh, which would you
:01:30. > :01:34.like? Can I go sport. OK. The answer is: 74 years. What's the
:01:34. > :01:39.question? Is it what is the official age at which you can be
:01:39. > :01:44.racist and get away with it? much back taxes does Jimmy Carr
:01:44. > :01:50.owe? CHEERING
:01:50. > :01:57.Is it when will it stop raining? it the traditional amount of time
:01:57. > :01:59.between a person's first meal at a Harvester...
:02:00. > :02:06.LAUGHTER . Is it how long would it take
:02:06. > :02:10.Beckham tpwok eat a Cornish pasty? Is it how long a minute feels in
:02:10. > :02:19.the presence of Louie Spence. would it feel like if Prince
:02:19. > :02:25.Charles was agreeing with the answer 74? 74 years.
:02:25. > :02:30.Is it how long will Katy Holmes have to look over her shoulder?
:02:30. > :02:35.it how long after eating mackerel is it safe to burp again? Is it
:02:35. > :02:41.what is the average age of the person buying Beyonce's new track,
:02:41. > :02:46.all the shingle ladies? APPLAUSE
:02:46. > :02:51.Is it if you come out of a toilet at a music festival, how long do
:02:51. > :02:54.you suggest to the person going in that they should leave it? Is it
:02:54. > :03:00.what is the distance of my exclusion order from Doctor Who's
:03:00. > :03:06.assistant? LAUGHTER
:03:06. > :03:13.Is it when.last British man enter a final at Wimbledon? In the singles.
:03:13. > :03:18.Yes! Thank you very much. Yes, the correct answer was before Andy
:03:18. > :03:23.Murray how long had it been since a British man reached a Wimbledon
:03:23. > :03:28.singles find. Andy Murray was the first since Bunny Austin was runner
:03:28. > :03:32.up in 1938. I would ask you to temper your comments, jokes and
:03:32. > :03:36.your observations with the fact that Andy Murray, the runner up in
:03:36. > :03:46.the British men's singles final is actually in the audience at the
:03:46. > :04:01.
:04:02. > :04:04.moment. Big hello to Andy. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you
:04:04. > :04:08.very much. Andy said specifically, no fuss.
:04:08. > :04:12.Just going to drop in, at the back of the show, just enjoy the gig,
:04:12. > :04:16.just like anyone else would. Not a big thing happening. If you could
:04:16. > :04:18.just, all I'm saying is a pleasure to have you here. Enjoy the show.
:04:18. > :04:28.We obviously when we're talking about the final, keep it light,
:04:28. > :04:29.
:04:29. > :04:35.keep it light. Why don't we talk about Bunny
:04:35. > :04:40.Austin. My grandfather used to drive a Bunny Austin. Were you
:04:40. > :04:44.watching? Yeah. It was very, very emotional. I was crying and I
:04:45. > :04:53.didn't really know why I was crying, just everybody with me was crying.
:04:53. > :05:01.It was like we'd been watching Terms of Endearment. Greatest tear
:05:01. > :05:05.jerkers of all time, Terms of Endearment, and Andy Murray trying
:05:05. > :05:08.to congratulate Roger Federer without calling him a bastard.
:05:08. > :05:18.was emotional. What I loved was Ivan Lendl. He's a man, you know,
:05:18. > :05:18.
:05:18. > :05:27.he wears his heart on his sleeve, emotion. Here's Ivan Lendl, he's
:05:27. > :05:31.sad. He's happy. He's excited. like the fact that nothing changes.
:05:31. > :05:38.There's a tendency to presume the more natural would be like Gok Wan
:05:38. > :05:44.or something. You go! You're looking great down there. I'm not
:05:44. > :05:48.having a go, Andy, I shouldn't start like that! Feel the mood in
:05:48. > :05:53.the room change there. Ivan Lendl I understand is famous for being the
:05:53. > :06:00.best player never to have won Wimbledon. As an appointment to try
:06:00. > :06:06.and win Wimbledon. That's like I'm trying to catch a road runner,
:06:06. > :06:10.let's ask Wile E Coyote for answers. If he had been hit on the head by
:06:10. > :06:14.an anvil, he would have looked like this.
:06:14. > :06:21.If I won Wimbledon, the first thing I'd do is sort the one-way system
:06:21. > :06:25.out. APPLAUSE
:06:25. > :06:32.I think it's all right to be like. That this is something that Andy
:06:32. > :06:38.Murray comes in, a huge criticism about Andy is he's so uncommunetive
:06:38. > :06:43.in post-match interviews. You'd be like that if after work every day
:06:43. > :06:47.you'd have to pass somebody going amazing photo copying in the middle
:06:47. > :06:53.of the day, what was going through your mind. They're lucky that they
:06:53. > :06:59.don't finish the reports, this is Tim Franks from Wimbledon A&E with
:06:59. > :07:06.a tennis racquet up my arse. The people I saw in the crowd were
:07:06. > :07:11.the four Andy Murray supporters who had M-U rryr on their shirts.
:07:11. > :07:21.There's four of them. Why did they go for the surname and not the
:07:21. > :07:21.
:07:21. > :07:26.first name? The problem really is the fact that British players
:07:26. > :07:29.aren't used to those facilities. If those courts were turned into
:07:29. > :07:33.claked black Tarmac with weeds growing out of them, we would win a
:07:33. > :07:41.lot more turnaments. And if that didn't work, you make sure that
:07:41. > :07:45.every fourth ball is flat. Rounds would last longer if the nets all
:07:45. > :07:50.dipped by about six inches. middle class couple at the side, I
:07:50. > :07:57.think you'll find we're on in five minutes. Give them five balls,
:07:57. > :08:02.wherever they're hit, they have to get them. All of a sudden the ball
:08:02. > :08:07.boys picked up the wrong tube and you get Pringles. I like when they
:08:07. > :08:13.throw the ball into the crowd. And football, they throw their shirt
:08:13. > :08:16.into the crowd. I'm off the darts team. Andy was lucky they closed
:08:16. > :08:18.the roof. It wasn't raining, it's just that Sir Cliff Richard was in
:08:18. > :08:24.and they didn't want to take any chances.
:08:24. > :08:33.APPLAUSE Which unlikely British player won a
:08:33. > :08:38.tight thl year? Tim Henman? Bunny Austin? No. Vanessa Feltz.
:08:38. > :08:43.This was a guy called Marray, which is interesting because it's only
:08:43. > :08:48.one letter away from Murray and that got me worried that maybe it's
:08:48. > :08:57.a vowel thing and Andy's in a queue. He's not going to win until Mr
:08:57. > :09:04.Merry, Mirery and MORI have all this theirs in.
:09:04. > :09:13.Jonathan Marray one of those two there...
:09:13. > :09:18.LAUGHTER Is... The one applauding in a
:09:19. > :09:26.suit... Won the doubles with his partner Frederick Neilsen. You win
:09:26. > :09:30.two trophies and a midge it butler? Why was a Preston to London megabus
:09:30. > :09:35.stopped on the motorway this week? The usual reasons. This was a story
:09:35. > :09:39.where a passenger reported see something smoke coming out of some
:09:39. > :09:42.other passenger's bag, thought it was a bomb. Turned out it was a
:09:42. > :09:46.fake cigarette producing water vapour. Let's face it, if you've
:09:46. > :09:49.been pulled over, loads of police have arrived, you've got guns in
:09:49. > :09:58.your face, you're being accused of being a terrorist, that's not going
:09:58. > :10:03.to help you give up smoking, is it? They shut the M6, 13 fire engines,
:10:03. > :10:06.four ambulances and an Army bomb disposal truck attended. They
:10:06. > :10:12.walked people off with their heads in their hands and made them sit in
:10:12. > :10:16.the mid. Road. Those people on the megabus, that's not the first bad
:10:16. > :10:20.trip they've been on. Some of them on the road were thinking, this is
:10:20. > :10:24.one of the most luxurious part of the journey so far. Nothing against
:10:24. > :10:29.the service itself, you drive a lot on the motorway going to Giggs, the
:10:29. > :10:37.back of the megabus, when you're driving along, if you haven't had
:10:37. > :10:47.the pleasure, you get hypnotised by that weird thing. Why does that man
:10:47. > :10:49.
:10:49. > :10:54.I was staring at that man's breasts going... Where can you ge for �1.
:10:54. > :10:59.think you'd have to contact megabus. Plus the 50p booking fee as if
:10:59. > :11:04.people are going to go, well, that's a rip off. I walked in here
:11:04. > :11:09.with this in my hand. I expect to be transported to a far-away land,
:11:10. > :11:19.then I find you want more money off me. Screw you megabus man, yellow
:11:20. > :11:20.
:11:20. > :11:25.man with enormous boobs. APPLAUSE
:11:25. > :11:29.I apologise, I know when you're disappointed you don't go "I am
:11:29. > :11:34.disappointed." Megarepresents the top of the list of the decadence of
:11:34. > :11:40.the West. We will bring the west to its knees, middle aged women from
:11:40. > :11:44.the north will no longer be able to go to gnat nays in the West End.
:11:44. > :11:48.Students will not visit their girlfriends in far away towns.
:11:48. > :11:58.you think when they were drap dragged off the bus, they were
:11:58. > :11:58.
:11:58. > :12:02.still close enough to use the free WiFi? The only thing irritating
:12:02. > :12:05.about this, people were going wear the hat, wear the hat. They gave me
:12:05. > :12:15.a yellow hat because they think I look like the megabus guy.
:12:15. > :12:28.
:12:28. > :12:33.That means that man looks like a penis sausage. They should call it
:12:33. > :12:39.penis sausage.com. You're just bringing this up to make people
:12:39. > :12:47.forget you look like a penis sausage. You just look like a penis
:12:47. > :12:57.sausage in a yellow hat. APPLAUSE
:12:57. > :12:58.
:12:58. > :13:04.Lost ownership of the joke now. Somebody's got another new Avatar.
:13:04. > :13:10.At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
:13:11. > :13:14.Now, we play a round called 50 shades of mock. This game involves
:13:14. > :13:18.Milton, Andy and Josh. If you could make your way to the performance
:13:18. > :13:21.area, please. This round is our stand-up challenge. I launch the
:13:21. > :13:25.wheel of news, one of the performers must step forward and
:13:25. > :13:31.talk about the subject chosen. The winner is whoever I think is the
:13:31. > :13:41.funniest. Let's spin the wheel. So the -- so the first is money. Andy
:13:41. > :13:43.
:13:43. > :13:47.Parsons. So, wonga.com current interest rate 4,214%. They've got
:13:47. > :13:55.some balls, haven't they? People take them up on it. I don't know
:13:55. > :14:01.what happens, do they go oh, look, 4,214% - that seems about right.
:14:01. > :14:05.And why is wonga.com successful? Because the banks aren't lending.
:14:05. > :14:10.Why? That is what banks are supposed to do. Oh, I'm a
:14:10. > :14:18.prostitute, do you shag? No. I just sell pet insurance and break down
:14:18. > :14:23.cover. At the moment, the whole world economy is being propped up
:14:23. > :14:28.by the Chinese. China being run by two men, the Chinese premiere, a
:14:28. > :14:38.man called wen and the President, a man by the name of who. I kid you
:14:38. > :14:40.
:14:40. > :14:44.not, China being run by when an who. It's like a skit. Who's the Chinese
:14:44. > :14:49.premiere? No when is the President. Who's the Chinese President? I
:14:49. > :14:59.don't know. No. When has never been the Chinese President.
:14:59. > :15:06.
:15:06. > :15:14.OK. Let's spin the wheel again. The next subject is technology.
:15:14. > :15:17.Josh. People say technology is moving forward, but I'm not sure.
:15:17. > :15:23.I'm increasingly finding myself at cashpoints where they can't even be
:15:23. > :15:28.bothered to make the buttons line up with the screen. There is no
:15:28. > :15:37.stress in the world like that. I'm going please God let this be �20,
:15:37. > :15:44.if this is �40 I might as well kill myself. Worse, the screen is angled
:15:44. > :15:50.so that if the sun is on it you leave with a new PIN number and a
:15:50. > :15:53.chequebook in the post. People are going piss off, mate, it's it's not
:15:53. > :15:59.winner stays on! I'm really stressed at the cashpoint, because
:15:59. > :16:03.I've already had to stand there for ten seconds, unable to put my card
:16:03. > :16:10.in because it is still thanking the guy who has already pissed off. Who
:16:10. > :16:20.is hanging around for that! I've got my card, my cash, hold on, guys.
:16:20. > :16:30.It is a bloody pleasure doing business with you! APPLAUSE
:16:30. > :16:34.
:16:34. > :16:40.That leaves us with Milton. The topic is employment. LAUGHTER
:16:40. > :16:47.I used to dream of having a job. Sometimes I go down to the bottle
:16:47. > :16:51.bank and stick my arms down the holes and pretend I'm working in a
:16:51. > :16:58.nuclear-processing facility. LAUGHTER I lost my job as a prison
:16:59. > :17:03.officer for organising a lock- in. LAUGHTER I only had one job as an
:17:03. > :17:08.architect but apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult
:17:08. > :17:13.to pray towards Mecca! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
:17:13. > :17:17.My first day working on a building site I felt sure someone would ask
:17:17. > :17:21.me to get something that didn't exist - like striped paint or
:17:21. > :17:31.something. Sure enough someone asked me to get an air ambulance.
:17:31. > :17:33.
:17:33. > :17:38.LAUGHTER Well, I played them at their own
:17:38. > :17:45.game. Took my time. I said oh, no, I couldn't seem to find one. You
:17:45. > :17:50.should have seen his face. It was blue. LAUGHTER
:17:50. > :17:52.Years ago of course I used to supply filofaxes for the Mafia. I
:17:52. > :18:02.was involvinged in very organised crime. LAUGHTER
:18:02. > :18:09.
:18:09. > :18:19.APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
:18:19. > :18:19.
:18:19. > :18:24.LAUGHTER Shall I tell you how Ivan Lendl
:18:24. > :18:31.reacted to that joke. APPLAUSE Now we play a game called
:18:31. > :18:38.Picture Of The Week. A topical image and tell me what's happening.
:18:38. > :18:44.What's going on here? Is it Dyson unveils most powerful vacuum
:18:44. > :18:51.cleaner yet? Is tit centrefold of Engineering Porn Monthly? Is it
:18:51. > :18:55.preparation continues for Eric Pickles's colonic irrigation?
:18:55. > :19:04.best contestant ever on Scrap Heap Challenge? Is it that man saying,
:19:04. > :19:09."Well, if this thing falls on me, at least I've got a hat on."?
:19:09. > :19:17.LAUGHTER Regrettably that's the only printer my computer will
:19:17. > :19:20.recognise. Goal line technology bigger than expected? Is it the
:19:20. > :19:29.fitting of Eamonn home's gastric band?
:19:29. > :19:35.Is it something to do with science? APPLAUSE Touche.
:19:35. > :19:43.Is it the CERN Higgs boson thing? Yes! I will accept that.
:19:43. > :19:48.APPLAUSE Yes it is the CERN Higgs boson
:19:48. > :19:51.thing. Also known as the Large Hadron Collider. This is the news a
:19:51. > :19:54.physicists have declared there is overwhelming evidence they've
:19:54. > :19:57.discovered a new particle that bears all the hallmarks of the
:19:57. > :20:02.Higgs boson. It is considered one of the most important scientific
:20:02. > :20:07.advances of the century. Before I get tow comment on this, bear many
:20:07. > :20:17.mind in the audience tonight we have Professor Higgs, who has come
:20:17. > :20:18.
:20:18. > :20:25.all the way from... There she is! APPLAUSE
:20:25. > :20:31.She is an unbelievably shy woman. For many years she has in public
:20:31. > :20:39.only wanted to appear as an old man. Stop pointing the camera at that
:20:39. > :20:44.poor randomly chosen woman. There he is! That's her as we more
:20:44. > :20:49.normally know her. I reckon you have some glasses down there.. You
:20:49. > :20:58.could have a crack at that one as well. I am not doing every face in
:20:58. > :21:03.the show! He is known as Professor Penis Sausage. It is this big! They
:21:03. > :21:10.found the Higgs boson. I cannot look like everything that we
:21:10. > :21:20.discover on this show. LAUGHTER
:21:20. > :21:22.
:21:23. > :21:28.APPLAUSE That is Jonathan King! Isn't he an
:21:28. > :21:32.astonishing bloke, the Professor, didn't he also teach Eliza
:21:32. > :21:37.Doolittle to speak properly? lectures at Edinburgh University
:21:37. > :21:43.and until recently he was the Scottish Professor Higgs, but now
:21:43. > :21:47.suddenly he's British. That's one for Andy Murray. It was lovely
:21:47. > :21:53.though, because he didn't expect it to happen in his lifetime. He's 83.
:21:53. > :21:58.He proposed this idea over 40 years ago. It is nice to have a happy
:21:58. > :22:05.story about an 83-year-old travelling to Switzerland. LAUGHTER
:22:05. > :22:14.APPLAUSE If you complete that word at the
:22:14. > :22:21.back of his head it says, "Jedi." APPLAUSE
:22:21. > :22:28.What did he do when he found out? He cried. Everybody cries. It is
:22:28. > :22:32.all tears now, boohoo. Things have gone well, things have gone badly,
:22:32. > :22:37.boohoo. That's why there is no more hosepipe bans. Did he think, I'm
:22:37. > :22:41.going to splash out on a Megabus back to Edinburgh? It's a real
:22:41. > :22:44.shame, this business, they've spent a lot of time and money and that's
:22:44. > :22:50.time and money they could have spent for instance working out how
:22:50. > :22:58.to make slightly less noisy hand driers. I find that incredibly
:22:58. > :23:04.annoying. I love the moment in the show when we really catch the
:23:04. > :23:10.public mood. I can't believe he got a standing ovation at Wimbledon and
:23:10. > :23:15.I came up with my thing about hand driers and nobody did a locking
:23:15. > :23:17.thing! Why is this bad Why is this discovery bad news for Stephen
:23:17. > :23:21.Hawking? This is because he's lost a bet, a
:23:21. > :23:25.$100 bet. He said that they'd never find the Higgs boson particle. But
:23:25. > :23:28.you have to say the person who he's had a bet with, you'd have to be a
:23:28. > :23:31.bit of a bastard to take the money off him wouldn't you?
:23:31. > :23:33.You wouldn't bet Stephen Hawking $100. Surely, if you're going to
:23:33. > :23:36.bet him anything, you'd bet him a go on his chair.
:23:36. > :23:38.We may have gone over the line. We'd better check Hawk-Eye.
:23:38. > :23:42.Stephen Hawk-Eye would be a great thing.
:23:42. > :23:46.# It's out. The ball was out. NEWLINE # It was out #.
:23:46. > :23:49.It was out. It's been out for billions of years.
:23:49. > :23:54.The strange thing about Stephen Hawking is that he's a British
:23:54. > :23:59.person we sort of know as having an American accent. It must be an
:23:59. > :24:02.astonishing thing. He must have a memory of his own voice and yet
:24:02. > :24:05.this thing comes out. Makes me feel terribly sorry for him. At least
:24:05. > :24:07.it's not a Brummie accent. Nobody would have believed him, would
:24:07. > :24:11.they? "I've got a theory, have you seen
:24:11. > :24:21.it? I've got a theory about time. Is it? Off you go then."
:24:21. > :24:24.
:24:24. > :24:28.At the end of that round the points go to Miles, Josh and Andy. Now we
:24:28. > :24:30.come to "Scenes We'd Like to See". So if everyone can make their way
:24:31. > :24:39.over to the performance area, please. I'll read out this week's
:24:39. > :24:41.topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with. The
:24:41. > :24:44.first subject is: Things you won't hear at the Olympics.
:24:44. > :24:50.Very impressive. Usain Bolt has done a lap of honour and won the
:24:50. > :24:53.400m as well. APPLAUSE So, Daley going for three-and-a-
:24:53. > :25:02.half somersaults with pike, and you have to say the pike doesn't look
:25:02. > :25:10.too happy about it. LAUGHTER Good morning. No surprises here at
:25:10. > :25:13.the final of the archery... LAUGHTER
:25:13. > :25:22.Victoria Pendleton's cycling couldn't be faster at the moment,
:25:22. > :25:25.desperately trying to get away from a horny Boris Johnson. LAUGHTER
:25:25. > :25:31.She was hoping for bronze, but sadly for Sue Barker she is bright
:25:31. > :25:35.orange. LAUGHTER I would like to apologise for my
:25:35. > :25:45.earlier mistake. We are, in fact, watching the javelin, and not as I
:25:45. > :25:46.
:25:46. > :25:49.said, dwarf darts. LAUGHTER And all of the sailing golds have
:25:49. > :25:57.gone to the Somali team in exchange for the safe return of Sir Steve
:25:57. > :26:07.Redgrave. APPLAUSE That is the fifth girl to jump off
:26:07. > :26:07.
:26:07. > :26:10.the top board and miss the huge pool below. Women divers! LAUGHTER
:26:10. > :26:20.This gymnast has a maximum degree of difficulty. His name is Cherjick,
:26:20. > :26:22.
:26:22. > :26:25.Kiddock, Kelick, Flippy, Flipper. LAUGHTER
:26:25. > :26:34.That is the ten-minute free view of the beach volleyball. If you'd like
:26:34. > :26:37.to watch the full version, please enter your PIN now. APPLAUSE
:26:37. > :26:45.And the crowd are on their feet. So much for getting the stadium
:26:46. > :26:49.finished on time. APPLAUSE Well, that really was a spectacular
:26:49. > :26:53.day of weightlifting, but before we go, we've got time to just look
:26:53. > :26:59.over some of the most spectacular anal prolapses we've seen today.
:26:59. > :27:02.LAUGHTER AS COMMENTATOR: Lane one, a family
:27:02. > :27:12.eating popcorn. Lane two, two guys on a stag night. Lane three, I'm in
:27:12. > :27:13.
:27:13. > :27:16.the wrong place. This is bowling! And now in the weightlifting, it's
:27:16. > :27:24.the snatch. LAUGHTER She's a big girl, but it's still compulsive
:27:24. > :27:29.viewing. Well, here at Weymouth our gold
:27:29. > :27:32.medal prospect is out. APPLAUSE In the last race he touched a boy and
:27:32. > :27:38.he's been arrested by Social Services.
:27:38. > :27:41.Okay, next topic. "Unlikely Things To Read In A Children's Book".
:27:41. > :27:50.And so the tiger came to tea and then shagged another woman and went
:27:50. > :27:59.back to playing golf. LAUGHTER As soon as Professor Snape saw
:27:59. > :28:02.Hermione, he knew in a few years she would be really hot. APPLAUSE
:28:02. > :28:10.IN A GRUFF VOICE. What's a Gruffalo, said the Gruffalo. It's a buffalo
:28:10. > :28:19.on 40 a day. APPLAUSE These bacon sandwiches are
:28:19. > :28:23.delicious, said Pooh. Aren't they, Piglet? Piglet? LAUGHTER
:28:24. > :28:33.And so 101 dalmatians fell asleep. Hang on, those aren't dalmatians.
:28:34. > :28:37.
:28:37. > :28:40.Those are just ordinary white puppies riddled with bullets!
:28:40. > :28:49.APPLAUSE Hello, my name is the very hungry
:28:49. > :28:52.caterpillar. I have an eating disorder. LAUGHTER
:28:52. > :29:00.Unfortunately, Bob the Builder couldn't fist it, because Bobski
:29:00. > :29:03.the Polish Builder had undercut him and done a far better job. LAUGHTER
:29:03. > :29:11.This place is rubbish, said Edmund. Doesn't anybody have sex here? Oh
:29:11. > :29:19.yes, said Aslan. What do you think the griffins are for? LAUGHTER
:29:19. > :29:22.But despite his protests, Mr Tickle was put on the register. LAUGHTER
:29:22. > :29:30.After years of depression and alcoholism, the little girl
:29:30. > :29:40.emigrated. And that is the end of Alice in Sunderland. LAUGHTER
:29:40. > :29:41.
:29:41. > :29:45.This is poo corner, explained one of the other captives. LAUGHTER
:29:45. > :29:54.Have you heard about Badger, said Ratty. He's been gassed to stop the