:01:46. > :01:51.This programme contains some strong APPLAUSE
:01:51. > :01:59.Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, the last in the current run. Over
:01:59. > :02:03.the last few weeks we have been busy celebrating our 100th show,. I
:02:03. > :02:07.think there has been lots of stuff about banky and the eurozone as
:02:07. > :02:15.well. Tonight we are taking a look back at some of those.
:02:15. > :02:20.This is the semi-annual compilation clip show. Hope you enjoy it.
:02:20. > :02:28.Here is a picture of the Queen, what is she saying here? She is
:02:28. > :02:38.saying, "So be it, sky walker, now die." Is she saying, "I can see you
:02:38. > :02:38.
:02:38. > :02:43.looking, Elton, it is my tiara, you cannot borrow it." Tom Jones looks
:02:43. > :02:49.like he is trying to hypnoties the Queen, either that or he is being
:02:49. > :02:57.goosed by Sir Paul McCartney. seems to be saying, "Oh, dear, I
:02:57. > :03:05.seem to be at Madame Tussauds.". she saying, "You do all have the
:03:05. > :03:15.number tor Dignitas, don'tow?" she saying, "I have major beef with
:03:15. > :03:20.
:03:20. > :03:28.you, Richard ?" Hang on, is she peter Andre? I trained... Don't
:03:28. > :03:33.compare me to the Queen! I have major beef with you, Richard, you
:03:33. > :03:39.put the The Lord's Prayer to Auld Lang Syne and I will cut your face.
:03:39. > :03:45.It looks like it could be an advert. If you look at Sir Paul McCartney
:03:45. > :03:50.and Tom Jones, it looks like an advert for Just for Men. It's the
:03:50. > :04:00.Queen saying, "Go on, pull my finger." Are they saying happy
:04:00. > :04:01.
:04:01. > :04:08.birthday to her? Grace Jones, she had a hula hoop, singing Slave to
:04:08. > :04:14.the Rhythm. I thought, am I the only one seeing this? Who booked
:04:15. > :04:18.grace Jones?! She was not hula hooping, she had been imprisoned by
:04:18. > :04:23.the elders from crypton. You must be careful.
:04:23. > :04:28.There was a concert. There was an Ireland football match. I was
:04:28. > :04:36.looking at the score for loads of Irish people and loads of people
:04:36. > :04:42.were tweeting, "Nobody cares lash tag Jubilee! Like I walked on to
:04:42. > :04:47.the stage to say, "K rob, put is sock in it." Was it not strange
:04:47. > :04:52.that they built that elaborate Gloriana for the Queen, and yet,
:04:52. > :05:02.was it just me who thought it was weird she was not on it? The only
:05:02. > :05:08.person on it was Clare Balding. It was like Clare Balding was Queen!
:05:09. > :05:15.The l The Queen looking like she can handle herself in a pub fight?!
:05:15. > :05:24.The answer is chickens, nurses and rain. What is the question? Is it
:05:24. > :05:31.what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle? Is it name three things...
:05:31. > :05:39.APPLAUSE Is it what are the most used sound
:05:39. > :05:46.effects in the radio drama, Monsoon Poultry Hospital? There's been
:05:46. > :05:54.another monsoon for the chickens! Where are all the actors Scottish?
:05:54. > :05:59.Doctor, doctor, I think that the chicken is drowning! Is it all the
:05:59. > :06:04.things that my gran says is stealing the money when I visit
:06:04. > :06:09.her? OK, what is the correct answer? Name thee things you will
:06:09. > :06:15.not find in a chicken nugget! Correct.
:06:15. > :06:23.Is it what are the opening stage directions in the television dram a
:06:23. > :06:28.Monsoon Poultry Hospital? Chickens, nurses, rain, a man walks through
:06:28. > :06:33.the fog! It is a hospital I'm working in now? What was the name
:06:33. > :06:43.of fog horn, leg horn's controversial early career in porn
:06:43. > :06:48.film? Sorry, I want to do more chickens and hospitals. Clear,
:06:48. > :06:53.bark! Clear, bark! We've lost him. That is me finishing off the
:06:53. > :06:59.chicken. Do doctor, doctor, get my the
:06:59. > :07:08.baster. There is a graphic going around Twitter, showing how much
:07:08. > :07:14.Vodaphone evaded taxes as opposed to how much Jimmy Carr evaded...
:07:14. > :07:20.Avoided not evaded Yes, because he will be making his money back in a
:07:20. > :07:26.legal claim against Chris Addison. Good luck with that! It will be the
:07:26. > :07:34.case of the century. It will be this... The most middle-
:07:34. > :07:42.class law case! Get off! There was a graphic that went around that,
:07:42. > :07:47.what was it, avoid? Avoidance, yes. There was a graphic going around, I
:07:47. > :07:50.hope this will be worth it! It's been great so far.
:07:50. > :07:55.There is nowhere that this can go now.
:07:55. > :08:02.Maybe you should have evaded the joke, not avoided the joke.
:08:02. > :08:09.I would love to, but I won't know which is which. Sorry, so, evading
:08:09. > :08:14.is bad? Evasion is illegal, avoidance is legal, but potentially
:08:15. > :08:22.morally wrong. So Darth Avoider void was not as
:08:22. > :08:27.evil as Darth Vader? He was standing back in the scenes, Darth
:08:27. > :08:34.Avoider void saying that he didn't think we had to blow up the whole
:08:34. > :08:38.of the planet. Was he like a cuddly bear? I like
:08:38. > :08:45.the modcons of the Death Star, but not the morality.
:08:45. > :08:55.Any way, there was a graphic on Twitter... Was it about evasion or
:08:55. > :08:57.
:08:57. > :09:07.avoidance? Avoision! There's a lot of avoision going on here.
:09:07. > :09:09.
:09:09. > :09:16.It is like lactose intolerance, a milk avoision! OK... Come on!
:09:16. > :09:26.Stpifplt -- Come on. Blue Peter is coming on in minute. There was a
:09:26. > :09:30.
:09:30. > :09:36.graphic showing the amount of tax that Jimmy Carr avoided than
:09:37. > :09:44.another company, I thought, don't give himed a vice, in six months
:09:44. > :09:48.time Lille be earning more than the Carphone Warehouse! Now, in terms
:09:49. > :09:53.of tax avoidance, if there were schemes picked up, film investment
:09:53. > :09:59.schemes that a lot of people put money into. I myself, and I put all
:09:59. > :10:04.of my savings into the big budget production of Monsoon Poultry
:10:04. > :10:14.Hospital! Very wise. You were involved. I play the role
:10:14. > :10:17.
:10:17. > :10:22.of Morag, the nurse. I think we are going to make a lot
:10:22. > :10:26.of money it is me and Hugh. Does that say it is written by
:10:26. > :10:29.Alfred Hitchcock?! It is nice to know where the budget of the show
:10:30. > :10:34.goes. Do you notice how well I look as a
:10:34. > :10:39.nurse? Surprisingly fitting! shoulders, a hint of the Readers'
:10:39. > :10:45.Wives about you there! If you turned up at my bed in a hospital,
:10:45. > :10:54.I would discharge myself! Listen, I have no doubt you would discharge
:10:54. > :10:58.yourself! APPLAUSE My favourite Olympic torch story is
:10:58. > :11:02.this week the Olympic torch is brought on the raft to the slalom
:11:02. > :11:06.course. What brilliant plan is this. Right, one second later, there is
:11:06. > :11:12.the Olympic torch! It had to be brought and lit from the mother
:11:12. > :11:17.flame, which apparently is discreetly held in a miner's lab it
:11:17. > :11:21.is like a Zippo. It had to be re- lit.
:11:21. > :11:26.The Olympic Flame has to be lit, kindled by the rays of the sun.
:11:26. > :11:30.That is in the our strong point. They should have given us a special
:11:30. > :11:37.dispensation, so everyone should have had a damp flannel and you
:11:37. > :11:40.wring yours out into the other person's flannel.
:11:40. > :11:45.APPLAUSE Do you know what... What is weird
:11:45. > :11:50.about the Olympic torch, though, is it is having a very exciting time.
:11:50. > :11:55.On a zip wire in Newcastle, sailing, white water rafting. It is like it
:11:55. > :12:01.has a deal with the Make a Wish Foundation.
:12:01. > :12:10.It is like, as if it is somebody's stag do, taking the Olympic torch
:12:10. > :12:16.white water rafting. If it was left in the lap of a lapdanceer... Like
:12:16. > :12:20.so many of my umbrellas! And the Olympic torch woke up, chained to a
:12:20. > :12:26.lamppost in Edinburgh! They are missing a trick. It would be better
:12:26. > :12:33.if they turned to the guy to say, "You know what you have done, you
:12:33. > :12:37.have cancelled the Olympics! "Shut it down, it is all over now!
:12:37. > :12:41.Olympic torch has proved popular, hasn't it? Lots of people meeting
:12:41. > :12:48.the Olympic torch? I think that they think it is actually the sun.
:12:48. > :12:54.They are not seen it for a while... It is yellow, hot, they are there
:12:54. > :13:01.going, ahhhh... My favourite week in the endless procession of the
:13:01. > :13:06.torch is Jill Makinson Sanders, the Mayor of A town called Louth in
:13:06. > :13:10.Lincolnshire who decided to dress up as a local product of the town
:13:10. > :13:16.of Lincolnshire, they are apparently famous for its sausages.
:13:16. > :13:23.Here is how she decided to welcome the torch and she ran alongside the
:13:23. > :13:32.torch, as a giant penis! Down the streets... It looks like you!
:13:32. > :13:37.does not look like me?! It is nothing like me! My arms do not
:13:37. > :13:42.staff above my chin like that. I love that. The 100th programme,
:13:42. > :13:52.the first time we've been heckled by the audience.
:13:52. > :13:54.
:13:54. > :13:59.You look like a giant penis sausage. Do you want to do, can you do a
:13:59. > :14:04.clever director's thing to Scotch the rumours that I look anything
:14:04. > :14:12.like a 6ft tall penis sausage. There you go.
:14:12. > :14:21.Nothing like that! APPLAUSE Hold the cards up.
:14:21. > :14:29.The other hand. Teeth! APPLAUSE
:14:29. > :14:33.Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar! Our next round is News Reel.
:14:33. > :14:36.We play footage featuring people in the news and ask you to suggest
:14:36. > :14:40.what is in the clip. This week's clip is David Cameron and William
:14:40. > :14:45.Hague. Enjoying the Moscow weather,
:14:45. > :14:50.William Why aren't we in the car? There is one road in, one road out.
:14:50. > :14:53.After the pasty thing we can't afford a U-turn. I am David Cameron,
:14:53. > :14:59.the Prime Minister of Great Britain. This is William Hague, the Phil
:14:59. > :15:03.Mitchell look alike. We are here to meet Vladimir Putin and the other
:15:03. > :15:06.fella? Yes, well, you say you are the Prime Minister, yet you do not
:15:06. > :15:11.have a car? We have not come in a car.
:15:11. > :15:17.Even the Greeks have a car and they are in the shit.
:15:17. > :15:22.Please, let us in, he is expecting us, show us in, please.
:15:23. > :15:27.So, this is the inside of the fearsome Kremlin, can't see why it
:15:27. > :15:32.is frightening, perhaps people have never been to Barnsley.
:15:32. > :15:38.Lovely to meet you, didn't recognise you with a shirt on, not
:15:38. > :15:48.riding on the horse. I am David, I am the... Hello...
:15:48. > :15:51.
:15:51. > :15:56.How do you do... I am David Cameron... No, not one hand-shake.
:15:56. > :16:02.Well, never mind, David, you only lost a bit of pride, you have not
:16:02. > :16:07.miss laid your child again. Come to think of it... Never mind. So,
:16:07. > :16:11.comrade come Ron, the mission is complete. You will travel to
:16:11. > :16:16.Washington, give President Obama a present he is not expecting.
:16:16. > :16:20.He has gone mad. Carry on as normal. Don't eat the sushi. Right,
:16:20. > :16:25.Vladimir Putin, we are pleased to be here in this time for both of
:16:25. > :16:28.our countries. We wish to foster trade links between the two great
:16:28. > :16:33.nations. We are uniquely matched in that you have lots of money and we
:16:33. > :16:40.are happy for you not to pay any tax at all. So, could you translate
:16:40. > :16:44.that, please? Yes, certainly, he says you are a criminal who rigged
:16:45. > :16:50.the election and you should rot in jail.
:16:50. > :17:00.Hmm! I didn't say that, I was talking about trade links. Yes, he
:17:00. > :17:03.said you dress like a girl and you smeel like a meerkat. Kill him!
:17:03. > :17:06.was a Preston to London Megabus stopped by the police on the
:17:06. > :17:10.motorway this week? The usual reasons.
:17:10. > :17:14.This was the story where a passenger reported seeing some
:17:14. > :17:19.smoke coming out of some other passenger's bag. Thought it was a
:17:19. > :17:25.bomb. It turned out it was a fake cigarette, producing a water vapour.
:17:25. > :17:29.Now, let's face it if you have been pulled over, loads of police arrive,
:17:29. > :17:38.there are guns in your face, you are accused of being a terrorist,
:17:39. > :17:43.that is not going to help you give up smoking? When you drive on the
:17:43. > :17:47.motorway, going to gigs, the back of the Megabus, for those of you
:17:47. > :17:52.have not had the pleasure, there are times when you are hypnotiesed
:17:52. > :18:02.by that weird... There are many things, firstly, why does that many
:18:02. > :18:03.
:18:03. > :18:08.have such large breasts? I have spent hours staring at that man's
:18:08. > :18:12.breasts! Where can you go for �1? don't know. There is an address
:18:12. > :18:17.there. I love the way they put there is a
:18:17. > :18:22.50 pence booking fee. People are going to say, "That is a rip off."
:18:22. > :18:27.I walked in with this in my hand, expecting to be transported to a
:18:27. > :18:31.far away land. Then I have to pay you more money. Screw you, Megabus
:18:31. > :18:39.man. Yellow man with enormous breasts, looking disappointed
:18:39. > :18:43.behind the counter! APPLAUSE I apologise. I know when you are
:18:43. > :18:48.disappointed you don't go, "I am disappointed.".
:18:48. > :18:53.I think that Megabus represents the top of the list of decadence for
:18:53. > :18:58.the West We with wail bring the West to its knees. Middle-aged
:18:58. > :19:02.women will no longer go to the cinema in the West End. Students
:19:02. > :19:09.cannot visit girlfriends in far away towns.
:19:09. > :19:19.In my ear, people are saying, "Wear the hat, wear the hat." They think
:19:19. > :19:21.
:19:21. > :19:31.that I look like the megaman in it! APPLAUSE
:19:31. > :19:32.
:19:32. > :19:39.That means that that man looks like a penis sausage! They should called
:19:39. > :19:47.it penissausage.com. You are trying to do this to make
:19:47. > :19:51.us look like you -- think you don't look like a penis sausage. Now you
:19:51. > :19:58.look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat! No! I have lost
:19:58. > :20:07.ownership of the joke now! Somebody's got another new Twitter
:20:07. > :20:12.avatar! Am I a little bit shiny? other news... That's that done.
:20:12. > :20:20.Was there anything else to do? There is no point in avoiding tax
:20:20. > :20:24.when heroining it is that easy! APPLAUSE
:20:24. > :20:31.They could have dropped that into the show.
:20:31. > :20:35.You were suddenly, randomly drunk! I don't need it! I'm just like the
:20:35. > :20:45.chase, I'm just enjoying the chase. Thank you very much.
:20:45. > :20:46.
:20:46. > :20:56.Who are you talking to? Well, let's be honest, we've all been
:20:56. > :21:09.
:21:09. > :21:16.wondering?! And Wayne Rooney is... And Wayne Rooney has been in...
:21:16. > :21:20.Shut up! Nice to hear that the applause ended before you sit down,
:21:20. > :21:25.so you sit down in complete silence it was good, but not that good.
:21:25. > :21:33.So, what's been happening in the year, 2012? Tell me how good it
:21:33. > :21:42.was? I don't have to tell you fucking anything! Oh, no, that is
:21:42. > :21:46.the wrong category. The RSPCA told farmers to move
:21:46. > :21:54.their cattle to higher ground... When you said that I couldn't get
:21:54. > :21:58.rid of the image of a farmer going # Take me to higher ground. #
:21:58. > :22:01.APPLAUSE I was not expecting you to dance in
:22:01. > :22:11.the middle. That is more of that, isn't it?
:22:11. > :22:15.
:22:15. > :22:24.# Take me to higher ground. # a strange time to be doing a
:22:24. > :22:33.language tape? I don't know, but he is very angry about his gas fire.
:22:33. > :22:39.Is he, or is it known that 1 million Brits go to work on drugs
:22:39. > :22:46.and as many firms as one in seven are testing. So, if you look around
:22:46. > :22:55.this panel, I must be honest, my money is on Milton! The next topic
:22:55. > :23:00.is... The next topic is... Pit the book away! Bloody penis sausage!
:23:00. > :23:09.the 1980s in Manchester there was a huge pigeon problem, not huge
:23:09. > :23:14.pigeons, that would have been awful. Argh! Sorry! I've lost my ear
:23:14. > :23:20.piece! Something has just come out of his penis.
:23:20. > :23:30.My penis sausage! Quite literally ejaculated into my ear piece.
:23:30. > :23:30.
:23:30. > :23:35.Sausage penis head. # Take me to higher... #
:23:35. > :23:39.# One singular sensation. # Obviously, when we are about to
:23:39. > :23:42.discuss this, I ask you to temper the comments, the jokes and the
:23:42. > :23:46.observations with the fact that Andy Murray, the run-up in the
:23:46. > :23:56.British men's singles finals is actually out there in the audience
:23:56. > :24:09.
:24:09. > :24:15.at the moment! A big applause for Andy Murray! APPLAUSE
:24:15. > :24:19.Thank you very much. Andy, specifically said no fuss!
:24:19. > :24:25.Yeah, no fuss. Just dropping into the back of the show to enjoy the
:24:25. > :24:30.gig like anyone else. No big thing happen happening. So,
:24:30. > :24:39.all I am saying, it's a pleasure to have you hear. When you are talking
:24:39. > :24:45.about the final, keep it light. There he is! You have some glasses
:24:45. > :24:51.down there, you can have a crack at that one as well.
:24:51. > :24:56.I am not doing every face that we do on this show! Yes, Professor
:24:56. > :25:00.Peter Higgs, I'm not. I'm not going to do this. I can't look like
:25:00. > :25:09.everything that we discover on the show.
:25:09. > :25:15.He looks like... APPLAUSE OK. Here we go. The first subject
:25:15. > :25:20.is Things You Didn't Hear at the Queen's Jubilee.
:25:20. > :25:27.A sea of red, white and blue as thousands of hyperactive children
:25:27. > :25:32.vomit up the icing from the Jubilee weekend! You can't help thinking
:25:32. > :25:37.that nationalism may have gone a little too far. The flotilla is
:25:37. > :25:41.anchored off France, ready to invade Calais.
:25:41. > :25:48.We hear recently that the Queen's dogs have done a complete overhaul
:25:48. > :25:58.of the palace plumbing system. Mersefully, they are Corgi
:25:58. > :25:58.
:25:58. > :26:04.registered! Come in number 46, your time is up.
:26:04. > :26:14.And now is our chance to join in lustily with the sec verse of the
:26:14. > :26:18.
:26:18. > :26:24.National Anthem. # The Queen... # (mumbles) Yes, so,
:26:24. > :26:32.if I say I have a bladder infection, will it work? Excellent. I can't
:26:32. > :26:41.stand Gary Barlow! Harry, when I told you to put on your uniform, I
:26:41. > :26:49.didn't mean that one! And it's amazing to think, isn't it, she is
:26:49. > :26:59.86 years old. Please, give it up one more time, Annie Lennox!
:26:59. > :27:03.this is a real Jubilee mug, a man who has paid �25 for a Jubilee mug!
:27:03. > :27:09.Awful scenes before the concert, a rather embarrassing fat man has
:27:09. > :27:18.jumped on to the stage. He is pulling faces and mouthing to
:27:18. > :27:23.Robbie Williams's records... Oh,... And the Queen places the diamond in
:27:23. > :27:33.the stand, lighting the final Jubilee beacon. Now she terns the
:27:33. > :27:33.
:27:33. > :27:40.crystal dome and tries to collect as many golden coupons as she can...
:27:40. > :27:47.The boat is spread out over the vast space of the Thames, like
:27:47. > :27:52.thoughts in Fern Cotton's head. There she is, Her Majesty the Queen,
:27:52. > :27:58.where else can you see an 86-year- old, standing for hours, just
:27:58. > :28:04.waiting to be seen? Well, any NHS hospital!
:28:04. > :28:09.The next topic is, Unlike Lines from a Thriller.
:28:10. > :28:19.One more, or what more evidence is there that you need that there is a
:28:20. > :28:22.
:28:22. > :28:26.mole? Look at the lawn! Your wife's head in a box, you must be the most
:28:26. > :28:32.unlucky contestant ever, on Deal Or No Deal.
:28:32. > :28:39.What colour wire do I have to cut? The lilac, the mauve, the salmon
:28:39. > :28:49.pink or the fuchsia?! I want to make you a vodka martini. You can't
:28:49. > :28:52.
:28:52. > :28:59.handle vermouth. Is that a gun in your pocket or are
:28:59. > :29:04.you just pleased to see me? She purred. Yes, it is a gun in my
:29:04. > :29:09.pocket, I have just shot my cock off.
:29:09. > :29:19.I'm telling you, there will be no attack. This is a side picked by
:29:19. > :29:28.Roy Hodgson. So, Mr Bond, we meet... Argh!
:29:28. > :29:37.Flipping hell! I'm telling you, captain, I work best alone, or