:01:44. > :01:54.This programme contains some strong language.
:01:54. > :01:57.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara
:01:57. > :02:05.O'Briain and joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho, Alun
:02:05. > :02:07.Cochrane, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
:02:07. > :02:13.CHEERING We start with a round called This
:02:13. > :02:19.is the answer, what is the question? On the board are six
:02:19. > :02:24.categories. Andi, which category would you like? Sport, please.
:02:24. > :02:27.answer is 11 days, what's the question? Is it how many days has
:02:27. > :02:34.it taken Madame Tussaud's to melt down their Pavarotti waxwork?
:02:34. > :02:39.AUDIENCE GROANS He was a big man! This is a big
:02:39. > :02:42.opera crowd. Is it how long did I have to spend at the hotel pool
:02:43. > :02:52.this summer before I saw a lady who wasn't reading Fifty Shades Of
:02:53. > :02:54.
:02:54. > :02:57.Grey? Is it how much of the last month does Prince Harry remember?
:02:57. > :03:07.LAUGHTER Is it when are G4S's security staff going to turn up at
:03:07. > :03:09.
:03:09. > :03:19.the Olympic Park? Is it who was at Darren Day's family reunion? Is it
:03:19. > :03:19.
:03:19. > :03:22.what reaction time is definitely too slow for a fighter pilot?
:03:22. > :03:30.APPLAUSE Is it how long's just right for a holiday? APPLAUSE
:03:30. > :03:34.Because 14 days is too long isn't it. But if you go for two weeks,
:03:34. > :03:40.you spend the last two days going, "It's too long isn't it?" Is it how
:03:40. > :03:46.long have I had this pesky erection, ladies? How long did it take before
:03:46. > :03:51.the Essex lion got a vajazzle? it how long does it take to watch
:03:51. > :04:00.12 series of 24? Because they're slightly shorter for the adverts,
:04:00. > :04:04.you see. When you watch the show, is that why your holidays feel
:04:04. > :04:09.slightly too long? Is it according to his tax return how many days
:04:09. > :04:19.work did Jimmy Carr do last year? APPLAUSE Hey Jimmy, we're all there
:04:19. > :04:20.
:04:20. > :04:30.for you. How long should you cook a mammoth... LAUGHTER... In a
:04:30. > :04:30.
:04:30. > :04:38.category D oven? Is it how long, now that he's not famous, does it
:04:38. > :04:40.take Craig David to woo a girl? APPLAUSE
:04:40. > :04:50.Does anyone have the correct answer? It's very straightforward.
:04:50. > :04:54.Is it how long does the Paralympics last for? Very good. APPLAUSE Yes.
:04:54. > :04:59.The question I was looking for was how many days of sporting action
:04:59. > :05:03.are there in these record-breaking London Paralympic Games. The London
:05:04. > :05:07.Paralympics look set to be the most successful ever, TV viewers are in
:05:07. > :05:10.their millions and tickets are selling out within mints of being
:05:10. > :05:17.released. But watch the Paralympics? The opening ceremony,
:05:17. > :05:23.I loved that. Ian McKellen on stage. I did think it was bit of a risk
:05:23. > :05:28.book Magneto when there were so many wheelchairs around. I saw the
:05:28. > :05:33.wheelchairs flying in the air and I thought, he's up to his old tricks
:05:33. > :05:37.again. I saw Stephen Hawking there as well and I wondered fit was him
:05:37. > :05:47.or Professor X in surprise and Stratford would be reduced to what
:05:47. > :05:48.
:05:48. > :05:53.it looked like seven years ago. Was it just me or was Hawking sin.Ing?
:05:53. > :05:59.There is an issue of tone here. You've got to come with us some of
:05:59. > :06:03.the way and then let the Daily Mail decide. One of the most astonishing
:06:03. > :06:08.things is people are saying, this is incredible, this is really good
:06:08. > :06:11.sport. Of course it is. These are elite athletes. Not not a charity
:06:11. > :06:16.day out for these people. These are highly competitive people. You
:06:16. > :06:21.think it is competitive in the field, shoe see it in the athletes'
:06:21. > :06:25.village where they are fighting for the disabled car parking space!
:06:25. > :06:31.watching it and loving it and it is fantastic, but I'm finding the
:06:31. > :06:39.classifications a bit confusing. Until last weekend for me an F42
:06:39. > :06:44.was a fighter plane or a night bus to Brent Cross shopping centre.
:06:44. > :06:49.did you go to a shopping centre at night? The thing about the
:06:49. > :06:55.classification, it is confusing, and they start from quite severe
:06:55. > :07:05.disabilities all the way up to the minor stuff. I think they should
:07:05. > :07:06.
:07:06. > :07:15.give some able bodied stuff, a really forgetful gymnast who forgot
:07:15. > :07:19.the review Toon and went ta-da! They never go, "Ta-da!" They should.
:07:19. > :07:23.I've been thinking about. This I would like to see some cheating in
:07:23. > :07:28.the Paralympics. In the Olympics cheating is boring, it is doping.
:07:28. > :07:33.But in the Paralympics there is so much scope in cheating, really
:07:33. > :07:38.Wacky Races stuff. I would like to see somebody win by coming from
:07:38. > :07:45.behind with a chin that shoots out on a stick. Amazing. A wheelchair
:07:45. > :07:51.with a fly wheel inside of it, like a wind-up car, so that one of the
:07:51. > :07:59.people suspiciously is backed into his starting bay and then shoots
:07:59. > :08:04.out. APPLAUSE Wait a minute. Of all the events that have been fantastic,
:08:04. > :08:09.the wheelchair basketball, this is a Jen wine, this is a sport that
:08:09. > :08:14.these are the best people at the world at, but it is properly brutal.
:08:14. > :08:21.If for no other reason you knock somebody over, the rest of the team
:08:21. > :08:27.just leaves. There's a guy like, "He's gone, he's dead to us, leave
:08:27. > :08:32.him" They just spring back up. I've never seen anybody do anything
:08:32. > :08:38.quite like it. Where you do see somebody in a wheelchair falling
:08:38. > :08:43.over and everybody goes, "No, leave him." You say, that but I live in
:08:43. > :08:46.London. True. My favourite event is the blind running. When they run
:08:46. > :08:50.with a guide. That is fantastic isn't it? You are thinking,
:08:50. > :08:54.obviously what happens the people who can see have the tell the
:08:54. > :09:00.runner who can't see, to tell them when to overtake. What happens 2010
:09:00. > :09:09.blind runner is full of running and the guide is knackered? No need to
:09:09. > :09:15.overtake just yet, no, you're doing fine. In fact we are in the lead!
:09:15. > :09:20.LAUGHTER I'm sorry. We came fifth. Those guides, I saw Libby leg, a
:09:20. > :09:25.visually impaired runner, she runs with a black guide. Not all of them
:09:25. > :09:30.run with guides, so it feels like an unfair advantage. She's
:09:30. > :09:35.basically being dragged round by Usain Bolt. Somebody said they are
:09:35. > :09:43.being pulled by faster runners. You don't see eight blind people being
:09:43. > :09:46.dragged over the line. Horse racing, that's clearly cheating, because
:09:46. > :09:51.the jockeys have massive horses underneath. My favourite bit of
:09:51. > :09:55.commentary was an interview in the proper Olympics, with a guy called
:09:55. > :10:00.Ross Murray I think, a British runner who had not qualified for
:10:00. > :10:05.the semifinals of the 1,500 metres. He was a protege of Steve Cram. He
:10:05. > :10:10.came 6th in his race. The guy said, what went wrong, and Ross, from the
:10:10. > :10:13.North East, said, "To be honest it was lot harder for me out there
:10:13. > :10:20.than it was for the Ethiopians and the Kenyans, because they've been
:10:20. > :10:28.hard at it for four years and to be honest I've been hard at it since
:10:28. > :10:33.January after two years on the lash." LAUGHTER
:10:33. > :10:37.I never watch any of the sports and think, I can do that. One of the
:10:37. > :10:42.few depressing aspects of Olympics constantly watching sports and
:10:42. > :10:47.inevitably comparing yourself to the athletes. This is hopeless. I'm
:10:48. > :10:57.sight at home watching Usain Bolt run 100m in under 10 seconds. My
:10:57. > :11:03.personal best at the 100m is 80 metres. LAUGHTER
:11:03. > :11:07.I think that depression of what they achieve is even worse for the
:11:07. > :11:13.Paralympics, because they conquer so many different challenges and I
:11:13. > :11:19.watch it and it brings me down. I think I once didn't go running
:11:19. > :11:24.because he a sore finger. Did you watch any of the canoeing? I love
:11:24. > :11:29.the canoeing. My favourite bit of it, there was a double kayak pair,
:11:29. > :11:36.British pair, called Florence and Hounslow. I thought that is the
:11:36. > :11:41.most unlikely town twinning in history. APPLAUSE
:11:41. > :11:50.We have the gallery, we have works by Leonardo da Vinci and
:11:50. > :11:56.Michelangelo, and you? We have a very large branch of Staples.
:11:56. > :12:04.That round goes to Chris and Stewart! APPLAUSE Now we play a
:12:04. > :12:10.round called Oscar Pissedoffius. This game involves Stewart, Andy
:12:10. > :12:14.and Andi. This round is a stand-up challenge. Where it chooses to stop,
:12:14. > :12:18.our performers have to step forward and talk about the subject. The
:12:19. > :12:28.first subject is: The police.
:12:29. > :12:29.
:12:29. > :12:36.Andy Parsons. Police you say? Oh. LAUGHTER I thought it was going
:12:36. > :12:45.to be bondage. LAUGHTER The police. Often into bondage
:12:45. > :12:51.aren't they? The police, they have done away with annual fitness tests.
:12:51. > :12:55.Apparently the only people who are going to get fitness tests are
:12:55. > :13:00.marksmen and women and dog handlers. Thur thinking, surely they are the
:13:00. > :13:05.only people who don't need to be fit. They never need to chase a
:13:05. > :13:12.suspect do they? They can either shoot them or set the bloody dog on
:13:12. > :13:15.'em! Also the police have been keeping our DNA for 12 years. Even
:13:15. > :13:19.when we've been innocent, and they were quoting statistics from the
:13:19. > :13:22.Jill Dando Institute for Crime Science. I have a few problems with
:13:22. > :13:31.the Jill Dando Institute for Crime Science, not least because they've
:13:31. > :13:38.yet to find the killer of Jill Dando. APPLAUSE
:13:38. > :13:46.That to me would be like having the Lord Lucan missing person's
:13:46. > :13:54.helpline. Thank you very much Andy Parsons APPLAUSE The next subject
:13:54. > :13:58.is dating. Andi Osho. Yes. Well, I think that dating and technology do
:13:58. > :14:03.not go together. This is a true story, it was in the Metro, society
:14:03. > :14:08.must be true. A brother and sister who were separated as children met
:14:08. > :14:14.each other again through a dating website. They only found out three
:14:14. > :14:18.weeks into dating. It was reported as a good news story, the woman was,
:14:18. > :14:25."Oh, my God, we've got so much in common" and I was thinking, yeah,
:14:25. > :14:31.like your DNA. You don't wand to find out like this, "Oh, my God, my
:14:31. > :14:35.brother had a mole on his dick. What did you say your surname was?"
:14:35. > :14:39.There are some good things about technology and dating. There is an
:14:39. > :14:44.app, Grindr, which gay guys are using. It tells them however they
:14:44. > :14:50.are from another available gay man. I was telling a friend this and he
:14:50. > :14:55.was like, so it is like a tracker? You are not hunting gay men. It is
:14:55. > :15:03.not that. And the guys have to be registered on the website. You
:15:03. > :15:08.can't go up to someone and go... You are fabulous. But I downloaded
:15:08. > :15:12.Grindr on to my phone. As soon as I fired it up there were 70
:15:12. > :15:16.registered guys within 10 metres of me. You know that scene in Aliens
:15:16. > :15:25.when they are surrounded by aliens. 10 metres, that's in the room. You
:15:25. > :15:31.can't be reading it right. I am reading it right. I'm not saying
:15:31. > :15:41.shoot gay men. There's a film called Aliens! APPLAUSE Thank you
:15:41. > :15:41.
:15:41. > :15:48.Andi Osho. That leaves us with Stewart. The
:15:48. > :15:58.topic is family. I'm homesick. Does my wife think
:15:58. > :16:00.
:16:00. > :16:05.I'm a control freak? I haven't The other night there at a party my
:16:05. > :16:11.wife got drunk and told everyone she invented the echo. I said
:16:11. > :16:18.listen to yourself. I am not thrilled that my wife's into
:16:18. > :16:22.bondage, but my hands are tied. Pretty woman. I call her doll face
:16:22. > :16:28.because she's so pretty and shy's missing an eye -- she's missing an
:16:28. > :16:36.eye. We were both on bumper cars when I
:16:36. > :16:39.first caught my waoeu's eye. -- wife's eye. Now we actually met at
:16:40. > :16:46.a sushi restaurant and last week we went back for old time's sake.
:16:46. > :16:56.Actually I don't think it's pronounced that way. Thank you very
:16:56. > :16:58.
:16:58. > :17:03.much, Stewart Francis. The points go to Andy and Andi. Come back down.
:17:03. > :17:06.Now we play a round called Picture of the Week. I show the panel a
:17:06. > :17:11.topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening. Teams, why was
:17:11. > :17:16.this man in the news recently? It's what happened in Vegas, not
:17:16. > :17:23.staying in Vegas. Very much so, yeah. Why is that. Because he was
:17:23. > :17:31.playing strip billiards and we all found out. LAUGHTER. Yes. It's high
:17:31. > :17:37.jinks. It's just Harry, he takes after his dad, whoever that is.
:17:37. > :17:42.APPLAUSE. Should they have printed the
:17:42. > :17:45.pictures? It was a weird moment for newspapers when the Sun printed the
:17:45. > :17:48.picture saying, sheer the picture you have all seen already. It's
:17:48. > :17:52.like the opposite of news. Royals haven't actually complained
:17:52. > :17:59.after they printed the picture, I guess they're thinking, well, if he
:17:59. > :18:04.is naked, at least he is not wearing a Nazi uniform. I did think
:18:04. > :18:07.strip billiards sounded a bit... It's hard enough dating as it is,
:18:07. > :18:13.if you are waiting for a girl who understands the rules of billiards
:18:13. > :18:19.you are going to die alone. sounds so posh as well. Were they
:18:19. > :18:22.done with playing spin the pauper? People were saying he was a
:18:22. > :18:25.gentleman because he had his hands over the breasts of the woman. You
:18:25. > :18:29.are thinking, obviously the definition of gentleman has changed
:18:29. > :18:36.since I was growing up. It's nonsense, oh he is being a normal
:18:36. > :18:41.soldier. Yes, like all those other soldiers with their $900 a night
:18:42. > :18:48.private bungalows in a mansion. It's bullshit. Oerbg, they're just
:18:48. > :18:51.like us, they're not just like us, you have never accidentally ended
:18:52. > :19:00.up in a part of your house you have never been in before. They're not
:19:00. > :19:05.like us. The kitchen. APPLAUSE. 1970s joke! The troops in
:19:05. > :19:12.Afghanistan they've all come out in support by taking photos of
:19:12. > :19:16.themselves stripped completely naked. It's basically Carry On Up
:19:16. > :19:20.The Khyber all over again. These photos are actually taken before
:19:20. > :19:23.the Harry thing, this is just down to Government cutbacks. They're
:19:23. > :19:27.doing it in support of Harry, they're not. They're taunting him.
:19:27. > :19:33.They're stripping naked in the Afghan Afghan sun going, try it
:19:33. > :19:39.over here, ginger lad. Two minutes naked out there he would look like
:19:39. > :19:42.a Babybel. Yes, there are websites of squaddies and families who have
:19:42. > :19:45.supported Prince Harry and decided - not saying, I am not much of a
:19:45. > :19:49.royalist, but I still still think there is an important principle
:19:49. > :19:53.here that if a man wants to be naked at a party, we should support
:19:53. > :19:59.that as much as we can. That's why I published this particular
:19:59. > :20:07.photograph. APPLAUSE.
:20:07. > :20:11.You have an All Blacks tattoo there. Yes, it is actually. I. --. I
:20:11. > :20:15.briefly played for the All Blacks before I was poorly doctored. You
:20:15. > :20:25.think my tattoos are bad, you should see Andy's tattoos, they're
:20:25. > :20:26.
:20:26. > :20:35.terrible. He really has... Hugh, we are not saying, but you were doing
:20:35. > :20:38.it amidst foliage, which was discreet. A growing sense of
:20:38. > :20:45.inevitability. Chris must now realise that his is possibly the
:20:45. > :20:50.most erotic. That is real. That's confirmed many people's suspicions
:20:50. > :20:59.that if you see me naked there is a pussy. Whose famous face was
:20:59. > :21:04.recently given a makeover? Is this the Jesus story. This Spanish woman
:21:04. > :21:09.tried to restore this painting and just ruined it. Yeah, it was in...
:21:09. > :21:15.It was in Spain. Where the Spanish ladies are!
:21:16. > :21:21.Yes. And they do dance well. It was in
:21:21. > :21:25.Zaragoza. The Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza. The authorities
:21:25. > :21:30.are cross with her, because the only people allowed to touch up in
:21:31. > :21:36.a Catholic Church are the priest. It was a Church in Zaragoza and
:21:36. > :21:39.there is a century-old... LAUGHTER. You really brought Spain to life
:21:39. > :21:49.for us there. You have to make an effort with foreign names. Do it
:21:49. > :21:58.
:21:58. > :22:02.again. Zaragoza. Zaragoza... Wanker. APPLAUSE. The Spanish accent goes
:22:02. > :22:06.Mexican incredibly quickly. A Church in Zaragoza. The fresco was
:22:06. > :22:13.incredibly beautiful, they call it... There was a fresco in a
:22:13. > :22:22.Church in Zaragoza. LAUGHTER. is the fresco? In a Church in
:22:22. > :22:31.Zaragoza. Zaragoza. Zaragoza. was 100 years old. A whole 100
:22:31. > :22:34.years old? What a story this is. LAUGHTER. Somebody has touched up
:22:34. > :22:39.an 100-year-old painting. It's a sleepy town. It's much more the
:22:39. > :22:43.case that it was decaying because of where it had been painted. This
:22:43. > :22:52.is how the fresco looked originally. This is actually a photograph taken
:22:52. > :22:59.some years ago. It's a fresco painted by Elisa Garcia Martinez.
:22:59. > :23:08.LAUGHTER. Do it. This is thousand looked just recently because the
:23:08. > :23:16.plaster had decayed. This is thousand looked now. A nice old
:23:16. > :23:26.lady, repainted it. And this is thousand looked when she finished.
:23:26. > :23:36.LAUGHTER She did a great job of it. Here's
:23:36. > :23:38.
:23:38. > :23:42.one I sent in earlier! Old lady, Zaragoza. I am sorry,
:23:42. > :23:47.people of Zaragoza, we cannot return your painting. Thank you
:23:47. > :23:52.very much for sending it in to the gallery. Because they painted it on
:23:52. > :23:56.the wall in a Church. It actually made Jesus look like a Teletubby.
:23:56. > :24:04.She also rounded it off as well. She thought she had done a really
:24:04. > :24:10.good job, because everyone she showed it to went, Jesus Christ!
:24:10. > :24:20.APPLAUSE . To Be fair we don't know what
:24:20. > :24:34.
:24:34. > :24:37.Jesus looked like. Hello, hello! I missing in the bible where Jesus
:24:37. > :24:47.comes in after a botched face job and at the last supper everyone
:24:47. > :24:48.
:24:48. > :24:51.says, have you had any work done? No, no. She's actually seeing the
:24:51. > :24:54.restorer next week because she has to tell the restorer exactly what
:24:54. > :25:00.materials she used and you are thinking all she's going to produce
:25:00. > :25:06.is half a potato. The irony is, she's probably older than the
:25:06. > :25:16.fucking fresco. APPLAUSE. At the end of that round the points
:25:16. > :25:17.
:25:18. > :25:23.go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart. Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To
:25:23. > :25:27.See. I had read out this week's topics and we will see what our
:25:27. > :25:32.panellists can come up with. Here we go. The first subject is:
:25:32. > :25:37.Rejected questions from this year's exams.
:25:37. > :25:42.If sign A over A equals sign B over B equals sign C over C, what are
:25:42. > :25:49.the chances that you are ever going to use this in your sodding adult
:25:49. > :25:59.life? APPLAUSE. According to Germany how much is
:25:59. > :26:04.
:26:04. > :26:12.Greece worth? One mark. APPLAUSE exam board of Zaragoza. Paint Jesus.
:26:12. > :26:21.Jonathan is a Nigerian Prince, what are your credit card details?
:26:21. > :26:31.Three girls in this hall are pregnant. Who is the daddy? Compare
:26:31. > :26:39.the following. A, the market. B, the meerkat. Heat the crystals
:26:39. > :26:49.until they produce a vapour. Inhale. The exam seems easier now, doesn't
:26:49. > :26:53.
:26:53. > :27:02.Without swearing, describe Peter Andre. Mental arithmetic. Count up
:27:02. > :27:12.the voices in your head. Using the paper provided, roll a joint and
:27:12. > :27:15.
:27:15. > :27:19.pass it round. Does this look infected? In the
:27:19. > :27:28.recent Olympics Great Britain won three times as many gold medals as
:27:28. > :27:38.Australia. That's not a question, just a statement. One Direction are
:27:38. > :27:55.
:27:55. > :28:01.incredibly popular. Explain. Sport, how do you spell AKABUSI. Is it A-
:28:01. > :28:08.KAB-OO-C. Yes or no. If Steve eats two apples and a banana, why is he
:28:08. > :28:18.such a fat fucker? Next topic: Things you didn't hear at the
:28:18. > :28:23.
:28:23. > :28:28.Olympics. That's another gold medal for Ireland. APPLAUSE AND BOOING.
:28:28. > :28:33.One thing I grew tired of was the Canadian national anthem. There's
:28:33. > :28:37.Prince Harry in the crowd, I would recognise those buttocks. What an
:28:37. > :28:43.opening Germany, James Bondy, Harry Potter, Mary Poppins, showing the
:28:43. > :28:49.world that the greatest Britons are fictional.
:28:49. > :28:53.Sweltering conditions here at the ladies beach volley tkas ball final.
:28:53. > :29:03.But still those four blokes in the front row haven't taken their coats
:29:03. > :29:04.
:29:04. > :29:08.off. Ta-da! That's the starting pistol.
:29:08. > :29:18.They're running. They've finished. To be honest, I usually do the
:29:18. > :29:24.snooker. Welcome to Greco Roman wrestling
:29:24. > :29:30.where a man from Greece and a man from Italy wrestle each other for
:29:30. > :29:36.the one euro coin they found on the floor.
:29:36. > :29:43.Clare Balding there, but very slowly, and she's still got more