:00:05. > :00:14.We have rain coming our way this evening. Some could be heavy.
:00:14. > :00:24.Blowing through on gusty winds tonight.
:00:24. > :00:24.
:00:24. > :01:56.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 91 seconds
:01:56. > :02:02.THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG Hello. Welcome to Mock The Week. I
:02:02. > :02:12.am Dara O Brian. Joining me this week, sitting in as a replacement
:02:12. > :02:20.
:02:20. > :02:24.for unwell Andy Pars sons, Josh We start with a round called if
:02:24. > :02:32.this is the answer what is the question. Which category would you
:02:32. > :02:38.like? Sport, please. The answer is 736. What is the question? Is it
:02:38. > :02:45.Tom Daley's bedtime? On which page of your home
:02:45. > :02:51.insurance does it say they never pay out for anything ever!
:02:51. > :02:56.How many hours in a row has Clare Balding now been awake for! Is it
:02:56. > :03:03.the only item at his local take away that Eamonn Holmes hasn't
:03:03. > :03:10.ordered. That is spring water. How many people have seen Keith Lemon
:03:11. > :03:19.the movie. Generous. If you saw a spy thaing Russ in concert, name
:03:19. > :03:29.one of the old numbers he might try and do. -- Pythagoras.
:03:29. > :03:31.
:03:31. > :03:37.Is it how many Cocoa Pops does Rain Man have for breakfast.
:03:37. > :03:42.Is it the number of Americans aware of the Paralympics? Is it what
:03:42. > :03:49.would Emile Heskey's squad number be at Barcelona.
:03:49. > :03:54.Is it how many energy saving light bulbs do you have to turn on before
:03:54. > :04:00.you have to turn on an ordinary one. How many calories does the average
:04:00. > :04:10.man burn off while having a proper think about Jessica Ennis.
:04:10. > :04:10.
:04:10. > :04:16.APPLAUSE A new phrase, a Proper Think.
:04:16. > :04:20.Nothing worse than getting caught by your parents having a proper
:04:20. > :04:28.think. I thought you were studying for your exams, but no you are
:04:28. > :04:33.having a proper think. When reading the letters page of
:04:33. > :04:39.the Daily Mail, what year does it feel like it is. Is it the amount
:04:39. > :04:41.of athletes that took part in the parade this week? Absolutely right.
:04:41. > :04:47.Thank you very much. APPLAUSE
:04:47. > :04:56.The question I was looking for is how many Team GB athletes took part
:04:56. > :05:01.in the Olympics victory parade. 736 athletes celebrating their record-
:05:01. > :05:05.breaking medal haul. It was made up of 21 floats and featured a fly-
:05:05. > :05:12.past by the Red Arrows. What else can the Red Arrows do if they don't
:05:12. > :05:22.fly past. They could walk past in full formation. Everybody loves the
:05:22. > :05:25.
:05:25. > :05:28.Red Arrows. I went to the Paralympics. It was quite
:05:28. > :05:33.complicated. I didn't know anything about T the first race I watched
:05:33. > :05:42.was the - they had those grades, I watched the S 6 swimming. I was
:05:42. > :05:48.like, they Sid it, I was like the S 6 swimming? That is frowned on to
:05:48. > :05:55.be from Essex, but it's not a disability!
:05:55. > :06:01.She is slower because a vajazzle will hatch in the water.
:06:01. > :06:06.I thought Lord Coe's speech, I find Lord Coe, it is ironic, it sounds
:06:06. > :06:12.less posh when you call him Lord Coe than when you call him
:06:12. > :06:17.Sebastian. He's downgraded. hammered home the made in Britain
:06:17. > :06:24.thing in his speech. It is a stamp of quality. Stamped on this
:06:24. > :06:32.Olympics. London 2012, made in Britain, I thought it was ironic
:06:32. > :06:35.when went lock and mannedville toys -- went lock and mannedville toys
:06:35. > :06:45.were made in China. Do you think they are going to
:06:45. > :06:55.
:06:55. > :07:00.break into the stadium and sit in silence and sigh. A furry tear.
:07:00. > :07:08.People say they really enjoyed the Paralympics but I didn't actually
:07:09. > :07:14.see a ghost. An Olympics in which the javelin appears to throw itself.
:07:14. > :07:18.I was going to the Paralympics and I had one of those lan yards you
:07:18. > :07:22.have to have and I went for a Friday up at lunch-time and I sat
:07:22. > :07:32.there and the guy came over and I said time going to the Paralympics.
:07:32. > :07:33.
:07:33. > :07:40.He said what are you competing in? Clearly I'm not a Paralympian.
:07:40. > :07:45.number of just, the shudge roll call of new heroes. Watching
:07:45. > :07:52.incredible humans, David Rudisha's world breaking run. How does a
:07:52. > :07:57.human being learn to run 800m that quickly. You find out he was
:07:57. > :08:04.trained by an Irish frees and you - - Irish priest and you think, yes,
:08:04. > :08:08.that would do it! Some things don't get medals at all.
:08:08. > :08:13.I get upset by in the showjumping, that the horses don't get a medal.
:08:13. > :08:19.You lack at the horse and you think -- you look at the horse you think
:08:19. > :08:25.mostly the horse is doing most of the work. It is no wonder they
:08:25. > :08:35.knock other the fences because the horse is thinking, what is in it
:08:35. > :08:35.
:08:35. > :08:45.for me. "I won't get sports Personality of the Year. They can't
:08:45. > :08:52.
:08:52. > :08:57.text the number. It is rare they have horse voting. I didn't know
:08:57. > :09:01.about the steeplechase before. It is now my favourite race on the
:09:01. > :09:05.track. You go round the track and eventually somebody puts a fence in
:09:05. > :09:10.your way and you have to leap over it into water and off you go. It is
:09:10. > :09:17.like the crazy golf of the track. They should completely embrace that.
:09:17. > :09:21.There should be a windmill that you have to run through and avoid the
:09:21. > :09:31.sails clashing you, a rotating Boris Johnson head half way down
:09:31. > :09:33.
:09:33. > :09:37.the track. Mouth opening and closing. I loved the open water
:09:37. > :09:42.swimming. But I thought it was one of the few events Rio are going to
:09:42. > :09:52.do better. There is a lot more stuff in the water there. Did you
:09:52. > :09:58.
:09:58. > :10:03.watch the sailing at any stage. You would be watching there he goes and
:10:03. > :10:08.then another boat would go across like that. You would think somebody
:10:08. > :10:13.has lost now. The Paralympic sailing and I thought it was boring
:10:13. > :10:22.until I realised I was actually watching a repeat of Three Men In A
:10:22. > :10:26.Boat. APPLAUSE
:10:26. > :10:30.That hurt! I thought the broadcasting was excellent. I
:10:30. > :10:40.didn't think the BBC sent people along to events whose knowledge of
:10:40. > :10:46.
:10:46. > :10:53.the sport, whose act to communicate that knowledge was ever in doubt.
:10:53. > :10:59.Look at the reaction of the Irish fans. What that signifies. Go on,
:10:59. > :11:09.two more minutes Katie. Come on. Jesus, the place erupted
:11:09. > :11:17.
:11:17. > :11:20.APPLAUSE Were you actually sent there by the
:11:20. > :11:24.BBC or do you just carry a microphone around with you all the
:11:24. > :11:28.time. He asked me. I had no idea that we were going to be handed
:11:28. > :11:32.microphones and have cameras pointed at us. He said do you want
:11:32. > :11:37.to go and see the boxing and I said yes. I don't know anything about
:11:37. > :11:47.sport. Then there's cameras on us. On TV he goes to me, have you been
:11:47. > :11:49.
:11:49. > :11:58.following the boxing. No! I haven't been following the boxing! We have
:11:58. > :12:08.four boxing medals. That is so stereotypical. This is a
:12:08. > :12:10.
:12:10. > :12:15.disgraceful representation of Ireland.
:12:16. > :12:23.Well done on your medal on not wearing a coat on your night out.
:12:23. > :12:30.The points going to Chris, Ed and Josh.
:12:30. > :12:34.Now we play a round called Daralympics.
:12:34. > :12:43.This involves Josh Milton and Chris. Make your way over to the
:12:43. > :12:50.performance area. This is a stand up challenge. The winner who is
:12:50. > :12:55.whoever is the funniest. Let's spin the wheel. Holidays.
:12:55. > :12:59.Not very good holidays as it turns out. I bought a tent to go camping
:12:59. > :13:04.recently. I have not done this before. A two room tent. You get it
:13:04. > :13:11.home and turns out the two rooms they give you from your house are
:13:11. > :13:16.the bedroom and the porch. If I was going to take two rooms on holiday
:13:16. > :13:26.with me, very low on the list would be the porch. I would choose the
:13:26. > :13:27.
:13:27. > :13:32.bed bedroom and bathroom. If there was no porch in the tent you
:13:32. > :13:38.wouldn't have an issue. You wouldn't say where am I going to
:13:38. > :13:46.put my hat stand. I need a porch. I never went on good holidays when I
:13:46. > :13:50.was a child. My dad was afraid of flying. He said if men should fly
:13:50. > :13:59.we would have wings. That is what tocknology is for. Helping you do
:13:59. > :14:05.things you couldn't do otherwise. If you give him a bottle of wine he
:14:05. > :14:08.he wouldn't say I'm not opening that because I don't have a curly
:14:08. > :14:16.finger! Next subject please.
:14:16. > :14:21.Communication. Hello. Communication, now these
:14:21. > :14:26.days it's the more technologically advanced advanced form of
:14:26. > :14:29.communication, the more pointless the subject matter is. Things like
:14:29. > :14:34.twitter, it is not real communication. You would never
:14:34. > :14:43.tweet someone to inform them of a death in the family. It would be
:14:43. > :14:53.slightly harsh. Dad's dead hash tag fail. You wouldn't show up at
:14:53. > :14:59.
:14:59. > :15:03.someone's house unannounced to tell them you had a nice sandwich. The
:15:03. > :15:08.most pointless communication is U tube comments. Have a look through
:15:08. > :15:14.U tube comments. It is like scrolling the through the mind of a
:15:14. > :15:18.psychopath. Go on to U tube, find a video, unremarkable, can't be a
:15:18. > :15:25.near death experience, it has to be boring and mundane, like a video of
:15:25. > :15:33.a cat yawning. There are loads of them on there. Go on, underneath
:15:33. > :15:43.sign in to U tube, comment one word "Fake ". People lose their minds.
:15:43. > :15:45.
:15:45. > :15:53.How can it be fake. Cats yawn, cats yawn. She was tired. Thank you very
:15:53. > :16:03.much. That leaves us with Milton. Spin
:16:03. > :16:10.
:16:10. > :16:15.the wheel. All my family are black and white.
:16:15. > :16:21.I phoned my dad the other day. He said "You left the room before I
:16:21. > :16:27.finished speaking, I wanted you to go to Holland & Barrett and get me
:16:27. > :16:31.tablets." He said "Where are you now ". I said Holland. I always
:16:31. > :16:39.left the room before my dad finished speaking. He said why
:16:39. > :16:48.don't you go outside and jump up and down on the trampoline. I
:16:48. > :16:58.didn't here the oline. My grandfather was a lion whisperer,
:16:58. > :17:01.
:17:01. > :17:11.just before he died. Hash tag fail. My mother has got to the stage
:17:11. > :17:13.
:17:13. > :17:22.where all she does is go on about who has just kied. -- died. "do you
:17:23. > :17:32.remember Muriel? She's just died. Do you remember Arthur? He's just
:17:33. > :17:39.
:17:39. > :17:43.died." I said said mum get off the APPLAUSE
:17:43. > :17:49.Next round is called Headliners. Here is a picture of the Mayor of
:17:49. > :17:59.London with the Prime Minister. What does BACC stand for. Before
:17:59. > :18:07.and after cosmetics commercial. it saying basically a complete cock.
:18:07. > :18:17.Is it boring airport conversation continues. Boris saying education
:18:17. > :18:25.
:18:25. > :18:33.policy is as easy as BACC. Is it Boris just greeting Cameron in his
:18:33. > :18:43.normal way. Is it Boris describing his life and he is saying birds and
:18:43. > :18:44.
:18:44. > :18:50.cycling, cracking. I think it's banging all the Conservative chicks.
:18:50. > :18:58.Is it the start of an alphabetical list of people who benefited most
:18:58. > :19:03.from the Olympics, Boris and Cocoa- Cola.
:19:03. > :19:13.Cameron taking one look at Boris and saying you know bar bers bers
:19:13. > :19:16.
:19:16. > :19:26.accept credit cards. Is it Boris and Cameron collide,
:19:26. > :19:36.
:19:36. > :19:46.clash? No. At least when Andy is sick he has the decency to not show
:19:46. > :19:51.
:19:51. > :19:57.up. Is it Boris and Cameron clash? Boris and Cameron clash. Boris
:19:57. > :20:03.Johnson has declared war on David Cameron over Heathrow Airport's
:20:03. > :20:08.potential expansion. Johnson labelled Cameron's indecision a
:20:08. > :20:14.fudge-arama. What would Johnson rather see than
:20:14. > :20:23.a third runway. Fudge-arama was a game they were forced to play at
:20:23. > :20:26.public school. He wants another airport in the Thames Estuary. On
:20:26. > :20:36.the thing which has been called Boris Island. Which is just
:20:36. > :20:42.fantastic. It sounds like a Jurassic Park, Boriss will hear you
:20:42. > :20:45.rustling. Somebody has found the DNA of a dead 17th century baron,
:20:45. > :20:51.suppliesed with a polar bear and brought these horrific creatures
:20:51. > :20:59.back to life. A piece of rope with no goat on the end of it. The large
:20:59. > :21:07.Boriss have escaped. They hunt in packs. I didn't realise Heathrow
:21:07. > :21:17.only had two runways. It has four terminals. I presumed it would have
:21:17. > :21:22.
:21:22. > :21:32.lots of runways. It has five Wagamamas. The first I read of it,
:21:32. > :21:34.
:21:34. > :21:39.a headline says Cameron... Goldsmith said he will resign as an
:21:39. > :21:42.MP if they go ahead with a third runway. What will he do for money.
:21:42. > :21:50.He doesn't seem commit today a career in politics, because either
:21:50. > :21:56.way he is not in it for the long haul. I have never heard that, that
:21:56. > :21:59.is amazing. That was like a cattle market.
:21:59. > :22:08.How did Cameron do his reshuffle this week? He had a proper think
:22:08. > :22:18.about it. APPLAUSE
:22:18. > :22:19.
:22:19. > :22:29.When Cameron did the - Cameron he was drinking a glass of wine at the
:22:29. > :22:30.
:22:30. > :22:38.time which became swiling, it sounds like a trough. You're fired!
:22:38. > :22:45.They are try to go imply eenjoyed it, be denied it, but he clearly
:22:45. > :22:52.had a semi on. That is a great wine joke. That is a white grape. Let's
:22:52. > :22:59.not get ahead of ourselves. He chose the health ministers who
:22:59. > :23:05.believes in homeopathy and a Transport Minister who is afraid of
:23:05. > :23:10.flying. Possibly a Chancellor of the Exchequer who knows knows
:23:10. > :23:13.nothing about economics. Oh, hang on...
:23:13. > :23:17.APPLAUSE When it comes to the Cabinet, you
:23:17. > :23:26.would rather be in opposition, which would you rather be a member
:23:26. > :23:31.of the cabinet or a member of the Shadow Cabinet?
:23:31. > :23:40.The Shadow Cabinet sounds like the puppet masters. The Cabinet think
:23:40. > :23:45.they run the country, but really it is' the shadow cabinet. It makes it
:23:45. > :23:52.sound cooler than it is, which is a bunch of men who pretend to have a
:23:52. > :23:58.job which they don't have. I owe you thanks, because you you bought
:23:58. > :24:03.me a present from your holidays. Have you brought it in? Ed was in
:24:03. > :24:11.France and bought me a present of a thermometer. You know when you get
:24:11. > :24:21.a present and you thanks, I really appreciated that. I had no idea why
:24:21. > :24:22.
:24:22. > :24:32.he had bought me it. Apparently it has a vague resemblance...
:24:32. > :24:36.
:24:36. > :24:43.APPLAUSE There we go!
:24:43. > :24:49.APPLAUSE The points go to Chris, Ed and Josh
:24:49. > :24:52.at the end of that round. Now we come to scenes we would like
:24:52. > :24:59.to see, if everyone could make their way over to the performance
:24:59. > :25:05.area. We will see what our panellists can come up with. The
:25:05. > :25:15.first subject is unlikely complaints to TV channels.
:25:15. > :25:15.
:25:15. > :25:25.Dear Jim'll Fix It, why aren't you replying to my letters?
:25:25. > :25:29.
:25:29. > :25:35.Dear Living TV, stop breathing on Dear BBC, I find it extremely
:25:35. > :25:45.offensive that after each scene we would like to see the host Dara O
:25:45. > :25:46.
:25:46. > :25:55.Brian appears to emit a loud fart. Dear BBC, why have you given Andy
:25:55. > :25:59.parsons that ridiculous wig this week?
:25:59. > :26:08.Dear BBC, I recently saw something on the Antiques Roadshow, I would
:26:08. > :26:18.like to purchase. How much is Fiona Bruce?
:26:18. > :26:19.
:26:19. > :26:23.Dear Dragon's Den, I have lost my keys and for that reason, I'm out.
:26:23. > :26:33.Dear ITV, I just watched Loose Women in high-definition. Please
:26:33. > :26:34.
:26:34. > :26:40.remove this option. Dear Babe Station, sorry for the
:26:40. > :26:44.scrawl, I am having to write this with my left hand.
:26:44. > :26:52.Dear Babe Station, I watched your channel for ten hours now and I
:26:52. > :26:57.have yet to see a film about a pig working as a sheep dog, however I
:26:57. > :27:05.shall persevere. Dear Channel 5, I have watched
:27:05. > :27:12.Celebrity Big Brother. I think it should be renamed Big Brother. 7
:27:12. > :27:20.Dear BBC, why don't you get Irish comedian Ed Byrne to do a
:27:20. > :27:30.documentary about ladies' pants. Dear Dave, have you seen Phil,
:27:30. > :27:31.
:27:31. > :27:41.Dear embarrassing bobbies, I am a man trapped inside a woman's body,
:27:41. > :27:47.
:27:47. > :27:57.I got mixed up between superglue and lube. Dear BBC, where can I get
:27:57. > :27:58.
:27:58. > :28:02.one of those blurred number plates you always see on television?
:28:02. > :28:05.Dear Embarrassing Bodies, I think there may be something wrong with
:28:05. > :28:13.my penis, I have enclose it had in an envelope for you to have a look
:28:13. > :28:20.Dear BBC, why have you changed the name of Snog Marry Avoid to three
:28:20. > :28:25.then in a boat. The next topic is things you
:28:25. > :28:35.wouldn't hear on a survival show. Not all of us survived. Last
:28:35. > :28:38.
:28:38. > :28:47.night's tropical fruit juice storm. Five Alive. At last I found some
:28:47. > :28:57.nuts and berries, I hate it when they rearrange the the aisles at
:28:57. > :29:07.
:29:07. > :29:14.Asda. There are many threats to the children of the that beaut tu trial,
:29:14. > :29:17.crocodiles, snakes, Madonna. You do have to improvise some things. I
:29:18. > :29:26.have been using these leaves for wiping my bottom, which is why I
:29:27. > :29:32.have been thrown out of the salad bar. And to make this wig wam I
:29:32. > :29:39.used three poles, because they are good workers and they are cheap.
:29:39. > :29:46.It was a terrible moment when your fellow mountaineer and says he has
:29:46. > :29:52.his arm stuck in a craf as and then he turns round and says no, not