:00:40. > :00:47.This programme contains strong Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
:00:47. > :00:53.I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield,
:00:53. > :00:56.Greg Davies, Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and Chris Addison.
:00:56. > :00:59.We start with a round called if this is theance, what is the
:00:59. > :01:04.question. On the board are six categories. Gary which would you
:01:04. > :01:12.like? Media, please. OK, media. The answer is 600 metres. What is the
:01:12. > :01:18.question? Is it if Kelvin McKenzie was to do a bungee jump from a
:01:18. > :01:24.height of 500 metres, what length rope should he be given What head
:01:24. > :01:30.start would I need if I was complete peeting against Usain Bolt
:01:31. > :01:37.in the 100 metres. Is it how big in the 100 metres. Is it how big
:01:37. > :01:44.are some trees, Dara? No, no, no trees are 600 metres. Is it how far
:01:44. > :01:52.is the Queen's bed from her en suite bathroom? Is it how far away
:01:52. > :01:58.can Boris Johnson smell a Custard Creme. Is it in fact how far with
:01:58. > :02:04.The Proclaimers walk now. Is it at what distance is Theresa May
:02:04. > :02:10.attractive? None of the rest would do that -
:02:10. > :02:15.good to have you on board! Is it when kicking Chris Brown in the
:02:15. > :02:22.bollocks how long a run-up should you talk. Is it proportionally if a
:02:22. > :02:28.clown's nose was the size of Dara's head, how long would his shoes be?
:02:28. > :02:33.So rude! Is it how long was the longest runner bean ever grown at
:02:33. > :02:39.the Fukushima nuclear plant? Was it in fact how long would your penis
:02:39. > :02:49.be if all the products in the spam emails worked? Is it what is the
:02:49. > :02:50.
:02:50. > :02:53.delivery radius of a relatively unambitious company? Is it the
:02:53. > :03:03.distance that Prince Philip sprinted to get hold of a copy of
:03:03. > :03:04.
:03:04. > :03:10.the French magazine Closer? Am I close? You can be Closer!
:03:10. > :03:17.it in fact the distance that they were taking shots of Kate topless?
:03:17. > :03:22.That is absolutely right, thank you very, very much, Andy Parsons.
:03:22. > :03:28.Yes, the question I was looking for was, from what approximate distance
:03:28. > :03:38.did the photographer take pictures of Kate topless. This is the news
:03:38. > :03:40.
:03:40. > :03:43.that the Duke and Duchess have taken legal action against Closer.
:03:43. > :03:47.A French court has blocked future publication of the pictures in
:03:47. > :03:52.France but they've already been published in Italy and Ireland.
:03:52. > :03:54.There's loads of Royals who've been snapped naked. Harry, Kate, Andrew
:03:54. > :03:58.before that, Charles before that, Countess of Wessex. I mean there
:03:58. > :04:05.have been in fact so many of them. I think they should persuade a few
:04:05. > :04:08.more to do it and then they could release a charity calendar.
:04:09. > :04:15.thing is, it's terrible, unjustifiable and immoral but I
:04:15. > :04:19.quite want to see the pictures. haven't seen them yet? Fuzzy
:04:19. > :04:26.versions. They are all fuzzy, they were take foreign the Hubble
:04:26. > :04:30.telescope. From the Hubble Hubble telescope!
:04:30. > :04:34.What I found intriguing was, I don't know if everyone was, but I
:04:34. > :04:40.was waiting for the next time she appear md public to see if she'd
:04:40. > :04:44.acknowledge what happened to the cameras and she just did the same
:04:44. > :04:48.smile. If someone photographed me meat and two veg, I would have
:04:48. > :04:55.probably come out and gone... The whole thing is making a
:04:55. > :04:59.mountain out of two mole hills. That's a good point. Probably
:04:59. > :05:02.better I think the BBC would prefer it if we didn't judge the woman's
:05:02. > :05:07.breasts. That would be the incorrect direction. I think she's
:05:07. > :05:12.annoyed. I've looked at the photos and they're at that awkward angle
:05:12. > :05:17.when you're topless. You have to stay at a certain position and it's
:05:17. > :05:20.not that attractive and she's reaching for the sun cream position.
:05:20. > :05:28.That's what she's annoyed about like my uncle Terry when he popped
:05:28. > :05:34.out of his shorts. Is I didn't see that edition of Closer, Jo's uncle
:05:34. > :05:36.Terry pops out to the shops and his shorts. Do you think she's
:05:37. > :05:45.genuinely worried about it? Do you think there's one bit of her
:05:45. > :05:47.thinking, where's my sister's arse now then?!
:05:47. > :05:54.APPLAUSE No British newspaper editors have
:05:54. > :05:58.published the picture although they have had a proper think about it.
:05:58. > :06:03.The massive hypocrisy of it is astonishing. I like it when The Sun
:06:03. > :06:08.gets on its high horse, they say no responsible paper would touch this
:06:08. > :06:18.with a bargepole. Two weeks ago you were doing everything you could to
:06:18. > :06:19.
:06:19. > :06:24.show us Harry's bargepole. Which magazines have published it? Closer.
:06:24. > :06:27.The Irish magazine because she's not the future Queen. And the
:06:27. > :06:36.Italian one. The Italian excuse is that they are young, beautiful and
:06:36. > :06:41.in love and the Irish go, she's not our Queen. They publish faces like
:06:41. > :06:45.that, topless photos in magazines shot with a long lens, kissing and
:06:45. > :06:49.cuden in the pool, then they are putting sun cream on each other --
:06:49. > :06:53.cuddling. These are meant to be sexy. There's nothing less erotic
:06:53. > :06:56.than putting sun cream on your partner's baca, is there? It's just
:06:57. > :07:00.something you have to do. You have to do, yes. The reason you have to
:07:00. > :07:03.do it is because you can't put sun cream on your own baca so you have
:07:03. > :07:09.to reach a deal with the person that you are with. That's all it is.
:07:09. > :07:13.I was photographed on a holiday once by - I was papped, yeah - I
:07:13. > :07:20.was doing exactly that and the pictures were quite shocking, I
:07:20. > :07:23.don't know if you saw them. It was an intrusion.
:07:23. > :07:28.LAUGHTER That wasn't on holiday, was it,
:07:28. > :07:32.Dara? That was in our house, wasn't it, Dara? That's the least erotic
:07:32. > :07:37.thing I've ever seen. Where does a guy in the office find the source
:07:37. > :07:43.photograph? I believe he has your laptop. Yes. In other Royal news
:07:44. > :07:50.who's been found in a car park in Leicester? Stan Collymore.
:07:50. > :07:56.This is Richard III isn't it? Do you know about him?
:07:56. > :08:06.A little bit yes. We were taught a lot of that in school about the
:08:06. > :08:12.Shakespeare era. (mimics Richard III)
:08:12. > :08:21.You cannot be saved now. It would be quite operational when your sons
:08:21. > :08:27.arrive. You get a different version to us!
:08:27. > :08:33.Richard III was the man who lost the War of the Roses to Alan
:08:33. > :08:37.Titchmarsh and he died at the Battle of Bosworth and Riz remains
:08:37. > :08:42.have been found in the bottom of a car park which is great. They don't
:08:42. > :08:50.know what to do with him because he's lost his ticket and he's got
:08:50. > :08:56.six grand in payments. He's got to pay another 50 because his body is
:08:56. > :09:01.spread. You can't spread your feet ten feet without stepping in
:09:01. > :09:07.Richard III. It's not a big deal is it... It's not a big deal?! They
:09:07. > :09:17.find Prince Harry in a skip most weeks. In addition to Leicester's
:09:17. > :09:17.
:09:17. > :09:23.hall of fame, they have Rusty Lee, Showaddywaddy and now him. Gary
:09:23. > :09:28.Lineker comes up at the end. They didn't have car parks in the olden
:09:29. > :09:36.days. Also they found the bones in a small cardboard box labelled
:09:36. > :09:44.southern fried chicken. They have the courage of the spine then.
:09:44. > :09:49.People were a lot smaller then. They weren't the size of a chicken!
:09:49. > :09:59.I have found Richard III in this box. Just a chicken box, look at
:09:59. > :09:59.
:09:59. > :10:04.that, we didn't have to dig, it was just here. They are not quite sure
:10:04. > :10:08.whether they think he was killed with a candle stick or led piping
:10:08. > :10:13.and they think he was probably a good King. He said a horse, a horse,
:10:13. > :10:23.a Kingment for a horse. I think he should be saying, the force, the
:10:23. > :10:38.
:10:39. > :10:48.Monkey. Monkey. Like a Chinese monkey. This one cheaper than oda
:10:49. > :10:52.
:10:52. > :11:02.one. You cwossm palm and I save you fortune. You have to collect, I put
:11:02. > :11:03.
:11:03. > :11:07.down so you can get in, innit. APPLAUSE
:11:07. > :11:14.I'm looking forward to the worldwide distribution of this
:11:14. > :11:18.episode. We were merely doing impressions of one another's
:11:18. > :11:23.impressions. I was quite shocked to see the picture. I read today that
:11:23. > :11:27.he's only 3, he looks like Dot Cotton. That's not a picture of him.
:11:28. > :11:35.They couldn't take pictures at the time that,'s probably a painting or
:11:35. > :11:39.something. Didn't they have paparazzi baca then if her --
:11:39. > :11:46.paparazzi baca then, if his wife was showing her boobs on balcony,
:11:46. > :11:53.would they have got the tapestry out. They would have just done a
:11:53. > :12:03.nipple or something. At the end of that round, the points go to Jo,
:12:03. > :12:06.
:12:06. > :12:12.Greg and Andy. Now a round called Titty-Titty-Ban-Ban. This game will
:12:12. > :12:15.involve Jo, Greg and Andy. I launch news and whef this wheel chooses to
:12:15. > :12:20.stop, one of them will step forward and talk about that subject. The
:12:20. > :12:26.winner is the funniest one. The first subject is sport. Who wants
:12:26. > :12:30.to come in on that? Andy Parsons. So, it was the Olympic parade last
:12:30. > :12:36.week. It was great seeing it live, obviously I had to keep certain
:12:36. > :12:46.amount of a low-profile in the crowd cos I was throwing a sicky
:12:46. > :12:48.
:12:48. > :12:52.But it was great. 21 buses driving through London in a steady two
:12:52. > :12:55.miles an hour pace. Very like a normal day in London really. There
:12:55. > :13:00.was an embarrassing moment when one of the conductors rang the bell on
:13:00. > :13:04.the bus and then got the shit kicked out of him by the blind
:13:04. > :13:08.football team. And I realised actually, I could
:13:08. > :13:15.get into any sport during the Olympics. The only sport I couldn't
:13:15. > :13:19.get into, dressage. Watching a horse walk and then reverse. They
:13:19. > :13:23.call it horse ballet. I don't think anybody would go and see ballet if
:13:24. > :13:30.it was just some bloke walking a bit quicker, slowing down a bit,
:13:30. > :13:40.stopping, bowing and then pissing off. And secondly, not many people
:13:40. > :13:40.
:13:40. > :13:46.go to ballet anyway because it's shit. Thank you, Andy Parsons.
:13:46. > :13:52.OK, the next subject is the Internet. Who wants to come in on
:13:52. > :13:56.that? Jo? The Internet. You know when you buy things on Amazon and
:13:56. > :14:00.they have recommendations, you know like the person who purchased this
:14:00. > :14:05.also purchased this, I was thinking I would like to hack into Amazon
:14:05. > :14:09.and put up my own recommendations, so like the customer who purchased
:14:09. > :14:15.My Story by Dannii Minogue also purchased a length of rope and a
:14:15. > :14:21.wob by chair. -- wobbly chair. Customer who is
:14:21. > :14:28.bought the book fabulous photos of puppies and kittens also bought why
:14:28. > :14:37.men leave. And customer who is bought Fifty Shadows of Grey also
:14:37. > :14:42.bought a great big cucumber. -- Fifty Shades Of grey. My grandad
:14:42. > :14:47.has to go into a home and these places are very expensive, but we
:14:47. > :14:52.found somewhere nice, his own kitchen, shower, outside space with
:14:52. > :15:00.plants and shrubs, but it's completely free. We've left him in
:15:00. > :15:07.Homebase. APPLAUSE
:15:08. > :15:14.That leaves us with Gary, let's see what topic you have been left with.
:15:14. > :15:18.Family. Family. OK. Old lady names are very
:15:18. > :15:23.much back in fashion at the minute like Lily, Elsie, Rose and we
:15:23. > :15:33.wanted something like that for our daughter but we couldn't decide, so
:15:33. > :15:38.in the end we called her nan. Told her she'll grow into it.
:15:38. > :15:44.I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell schadenfreude and I
:15:44. > :15:51.couldn't but he's dead now and I'm not so I win.
:15:51. > :15:57.My does unalways introduces himself as Stephen with a ph, that's
:15:57. > :16:00.because he's slightly acidic. My marryed friends tell me there's
:16:00. > :16:06.always someone out there for everyone and I think, wow, she must
:16:06. > :16:15.be a right slag. Knock knock who's there grandad,
:16:15. > :16:20.shit stop the funeral. Grandad asked me how to print on
:16:20. > :16:28.his new computer and I said just control P and he said, I haven't
:16:28. > :16:34.been able to do that for years. My confirmed bachelor uncle always
:16:34. > :16:42.describes himself as ah sexual but I would also add B gay.
:16:42. > :16:46.Drkdrka-sm sexual, but I would always add B gay. As a child, I was
:16:46. > :16:51.always told if I touch myself down there, God was watchings, it turns
:16:51. > :17:01.out it was just uncle Peter. Thank you.
:17:01. > :17:02.
:17:02. > :17:07.Well done. Gary Delaney. Go on back.
:17:07. > :17:17.Our next round is called headliners. Here is a picture of Education
:17:17. > :17:25.Secretary Michael Gove, but what does GAEC stand for? Gove attends
:17:25. > :17:34.elf college. Enet tick Is it something, something, something
:17:34. > :17:44.cock. Is it Michael Gove saying gosh, actual ethnic children?
:17:44. > :17:46.
:17:46. > :17:56.arse to age of chair. Is it Gove Adonis exuding charisma. Is it
:17:56. > :18:00.
:18:00. > :18:10.adult literacy rates poor? Golam advises earth children. Grinder
:18:10. > :18:12.
:18:12. > :18:15.adventure ends catastrophically. nothing's going to top that. Gove
:18:15. > :18:22.announces emergency contraceptive. Let's have the correct answer,
:18:22. > :18:27.please. Something about Gove announces exam change. Very good.
:18:27. > :18:31.Yes, the answer I was looking for was Gove announces exam changes,
:18:31. > :18:35.the news that Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced a new
:18:35. > :18:39.English Baccalaureate Certificate to replace GCSEs for 2015 student
:18:39. > :18:45.who is'll work towards a demanding three-hour exam at the end of a two
:18:45. > :18:50.year course rather than the current combination of course work and
:18:50. > :18:58.multiple retakes. An exam that thicker kids won't be tiebl
:18:58. > :19:03.pronounce, it's the "baca "what, give me a shovel, I'll go down a
:19:04. > :19:10.mine. If you can't pronounce that, they'll teach you practical skills
:19:10. > :19:16.like how to back a alreadyry out! APPLAUSE. The Tories have assured
:19:16. > :19:21.us that under this system no child will be left behind. How can we
:19:21. > :19:28.take Tory promises when their leader's David Cameron? Do you know
:19:28. > :19:33.what the abbreviation is? EBAC. Which is when Yorkshire people make
:19:33. > :19:38.payments over the Internet. Something from Star Wars? Yes, it
:19:38. > :19:44.was. Bet you can't do the impression... Sky Walker, your
:19:44. > :19:48.EBACs will not qualify you to run the empire now. There is been a lot
:19:48. > :19:54.of debate about what grades have been De valued and I discussed that
:19:54. > :19:57.with my nephew Professor tummy recently. Sorry, it's one of these
:19:57. > :20:02.things I'm always genuinely perplexed about coming from a
:20:02. > :20:07.different country with my spices and silks. There are so many great
:20:07. > :20:11.things about it except your exams which are mad. The education by the
:20:11. > :20:15.way is great. I'm not saying anything about the education but
:20:15. > :20:20.the exams are mad. People when confronted with an exam paper go to
:20:20. > :20:27.pieces and forget how to count and I think it's very unfair that they
:20:28. > :20:31.are marking the papers. APPLAUSE There are people who
:20:31. > :20:35.shouldn't be taking exams. My friend Carl was at sixth form
:20:35. > :20:40.college with a girl who got her A- level results and when she pulled
:20:40. > :20:50.out the piece of paper, the three letters telling her what her
:20:50. > :20:53.
:20:53. > :20:56.feature would be, she went, ha, ha, ha, that spells" none. When it
:20:56. > :20:59.comes to exam time, there's far worse pressure on the teachers
:20:59. > :21:03.because you have to spend sometimes four or five hours in those halls
:21:04. > :21:10.just walking up and down and it's a recipe for insanity. I had no
:21:10. > :21:20.choice when teaching but to invent a game called Camp Aisle. It was
:21:20. > :21:24.just to see who could walk up and down the aisle the campest. We
:21:24. > :21:29.started off just sort of slightly mincing. Honestly, by the end of it,
:21:29. > :21:34.I was walking down a full aisle of children like this. I knew it was
:21:34. > :21:41.time for me to leave teaching when I got down to the end of one aisle,
:21:41. > :21:49.a kid looked up at me at the end of a GCSE and went tut tut.
:21:49. > :21:53.Were you essentially vogueing your way? I'm not exaggerating, by the
:21:53. > :21:58.end of it I was like that. They want to make the exams harder but
:21:58. > :22:01.surely they are hard enough already if your teacher is walking up and
:22:01. > :22:11.down camping it up? I'm still qualified technically. We'll have
:22:11. > :22:14.to cut this bit out. Is that your safety net? Yes. Having seen you in
:22:14. > :22:19.Inbetweeners, I don't think anybody's going to employ you.
:22:19. > :22:23.You've always got a trade! I did a gig at the University of
:22:23. > :22:27.Central England which is in Birmingham, that's where they are
:22:27. > :22:35.trying to hide from you. I said, UCE, so-called, because that's the
:22:36. > :22:41.grade it takes to get in. I had to explain it to them. I was in an
:22:42. > :22:49.exam at school. My mate at the back of the hall went we were all
:22:49. > :22:52.waiting to leave and someone at the end of the class went miaow and the
:22:52. > :22:56.invigilator looked and someone else did it again and again from
:22:56. > :23:02.different parts of the hall and it led to my favourite sentence ever
:23:02. > :23:11.to come from an adult's mouth which was "all right, no-one leaves until
:23:11. > :23:16.the miaowing stops". The points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.
:23:16. > :23:21.Now scenes we'd like to see. So if everyone can make their way over to
:23:21. > :23:26.the performance air yarbgs I'll read out the topics then we'll see
:23:26. > :23:29.what the panels can come up with -- area. Unlikely things to hear on a
:23:29. > :23:33.property show. Six months in and Mike has fallen
:23:33. > :23:42.out with the builder. There was no window there and neither of them
:23:42. > :23:50.noticed. With violence and strong language from the very beginning,
:23:50. > :23:57.it's A Place in the Sunderland. Yes, it is north-facing but on the
:23:57. > :24:04.plus side, it's a caravan so you can just turn it round.
:24:04. > :24:11.Get that fish out of here, it stinks. Should never leave a place
:24:11. > :24:15.in the Sun. APPLAUSE We've just one hour while
:24:15. > :24:21.Gina's at the shops to improve her flat in Luton, we are setting it on
:24:21. > :24:25.fire and moving it to Oxford. Well, it's another setback. This
:24:25. > :24:35.time the structure is damaged and for the first time I'm asking
:24:35. > :24:39.myself, will the Death Star ever be finished?
:24:39. > :24:47.And more information on how to get together a deposit for a house can
:24:47. > :24:53.be found in our free leaflet when will manor die? So, you bought it
:24:53. > :24:59.at auction for �100,000 but what exactly are you going to do with
:24:59. > :25:02.Middlesbrough? What we've done is we've knocked
:25:02. > :25:12.the wall between the kitchen and the lounge down and what that's
:25:12. > :25:18.done is killed all the people who're sitting in the lounge.
:25:18. > :25:23.kitchen's done in a very modern style, we call it crack den. We are
:25:23. > :25:27.looking at a well-equipped council house in Hull, fridge, oven,
:25:27. > :25:35.washing machine. In fact, this is one of the nicest gardens we've
:25:35. > :25:41.seen. This week on Grand Designs, my gran designs a house. It will be
:25:41. > :25:48.shit, she's got terrible arbt rye it is, not even a rudimentary
:25:48. > :25:54.qualification -- arthritis. Three coats of varnish and a new
:25:54. > :25:59.rug and Brucie is ready for his next show.
:26:00. > :26:09.Welcome to the 74-hour long obsessive come pulsive episode of
:26:10. > :26:15.
:26:15. > :26:23.How Clean Is Your House? Knock it down, Tarmac it, fuck 'em.
:26:23. > :26:30.APPLAUSE OK, the next topic is: Mr Parsons, your baby looks exactly
:26:30. > :26:40.like you, but mind you, so does every other baby. There are
:26:40. > :26:50.complications, I'm afraid. For a start, I'm not a doctor.
:26:50. > :27:00.definitely can see the head. You should do your flies up, doctor.
:27:00. > :27:02.
:27:02. > :27:06.Bad news, I'm afraid. He's ginger. Your highness.
:27:06. > :27:16.So would you like to hold the little fella or shall I give you
:27:16. > :27:17.
:27:17. > :27:23.the baby? Mrs Jones, I'm going to need you to push and then when
:27:23. > :27:33.we've got the ambulance started, we'll try and get you to hospital.
:27:33. > :27:33.
:27:33. > :27:40.Oh, God, the that my baby? I've given birth to Andy Parsons.
:27:40. > :27:44.stay up that end and talk to your wife if I were you, Mr Smith, it
:27:44. > :27:54.looks like Alien Versus Predator down here. This is the ward for
:27:54. > :27:58.unwanted twins. We call it the Jedward. Very good.
:27:58. > :28:05.Basically you just turn 'em over and slap 'em on the arse. These
:28:05. > :28:13.nurses' parties are great. Nice to see you again Mrs Joely, if
:28:13. > :28:23.you would luke to move along to the next window to correct your --
:28:23. > :28:23.
:28:23. > :28:28.collect your order. This isn't your first baby is it? You have a
:28:28. > :28:38.bouncing baby boy. I know that because I dropped him in the
:28:38. > :28:44.delivery room. OK big breath in, hold it, hold it and pass the joint
:28:44. > :28:54.to the midwife. If you are not in when we deliver your baby, is it OK
:28:54. > :28:56.
:28:56. > :29:03.if we leave it with a neighbour? no, I do like it, darling, just not
:29:03. > :29:13.in that colour. I know you're in great pain but we
:29:13. > :29:21.need to know your name. Right. Doctor for Mrs Fuck off. The points
:29:21. > :29:27.go to Greg, Jo and Andy. APPLAUSE
:29:27. > :29:34.That is the end of the show. The winners are Andy Parsons, Jo