0:00:03 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:08 > 0:00:14# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:16 > 0:00:22# Read all about it!
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# News of the World!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# Read all about it
0:00:30 > 0:00:31# News of the World! #
0:00:36 > 0:00:38APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Hello everyone and Merry Christmas.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I'm Dara O Briain, and you're watching our traditional
0:00:44 > 0:00:45end of year special.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47As you know, we love to take a look back
0:00:47 > 0:00:50at some of our favourite moments, out-takes and unseen clips
0:00:50 > 0:00:52from the year gone by. In fact let's be honest,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54we like to do this several times a year, as it's relatively easy
0:00:54 > 0:00:57to knock one of these things up and that means we get Christmas off.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00So sit back, enjoy it, and have a wonderful Christmas.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I'm probably on a yacht.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:05So teams, what is going on here?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Have they revealed the new title sequence to Dad's Army?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Are you sure it's not the new easyJet route
0:01:13 > 0:01:14from London to Glasgow?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Is this the carbon footprint of a Fair Trade grape?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Is it in fact the school run for Angelina and Brad?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Is it the new route for stacking over Heathrow?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Is it places easyJet consider as London?
0:01:39 > 0:01:40LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Does anyone know what the correct answer is?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Is this an American estimating where Europe is?
0:01:45 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER Somewhere...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's the route that Edward Snowden is attempting to take
0:01:52 > 0:01:55to avoid US justice.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58That's absolutely right, thank you very much, Josh, yes.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01How did you know that? I read the news.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05This is the escape route that whistle-blower Edward Snowden
0:02:05 > 0:02:07planned to take after he left the United States.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Snowden first flew from his home in Hawaii to Hong Kong,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12where he leaked secrets before escaping to Moscow.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15He was then due to fly on to Ecuador via Havana, but at the time of
0:02:15 > 0:02:19this recording, he is still in the transit area of Moscow Airport.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Mentally, you should all be transported to a man sitting on one
0:02:23 > 0:02:27of those blue chairs, "Bing bong!" IMITATES RUSSIAN ANNOUNCEMENT
0:02:27 > 0:02:29"Havana. Bing bong!"
0:02:29 > 0:02:32And he's sitting there, just, you know...
0:02:32 > 0:02:35It's just him and a load of people in trench coats and Trilbies
0:02:35 > 0:02:37with newspapers with eye holes cut out!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"Bing bong!" "Bing bong", yeah!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44They don't know, they're kind of struggling to catch him as he comes off the plane.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I've got a plan. Have they tried standing there with a board
0:02:47 > 0:02:50with "Edward Snowden" written on it, just standing there?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53He said he was relieved to land in Moscow.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55But then he was flying Aeroflot,
0:02:55 > 0:02:59so I should imagine everybody was relieved to land in Moscow!
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Aah, poor old Aeroflot.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I flew, no, I flew Aeroflot once from...
0:03:03 > 0:03:08when I was a student I flew Aeroflot from Beijing to Moscow
0:03:08 > 0:03:12and I sat next to a bloke who had a mole and he had a hair growing
0:03:12 > 0:03:16out of his mole which was brushing against my face!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18AUDIENCE GROAN
0:03:18 > 0:03:19There were loads of journalists.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22The flight that he was supposed to take, anyone know what seat he was in?
0:03:22 > 0:03:2517A. Yes, it was. That's Aeroflot seat 17A.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27He's supposed to be there.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Did he sit next to a man with a massive mole
0:03:30 > 0:03:32and a hair growing out of it? No, in fact, he is the massive mole!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh, OK.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Thank you!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I'm hoping... I'm hoping that at some stage they'll release
0:03:42 > 0:03:46a statement going. "Where is he? He's where he's always been, he's in our hearts."
0:03:46 > 0:03:48LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:51He was more like... because he crosses the world all the time,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54nobody's ever seen him, he's there, like, whatever,
0:03:54 > 0:03:58and anything you write, any letter you write, he gets to read.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00He's Santa Claus!
0:04:00 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Should we all be leaving mince pies out for him?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Is that how we catch him?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09We'll trap him in the end with just a little glass of sherry,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11a carrot and two mince pies!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"Oh, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy! Look, Edward Snowden's been here tonight!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16"The carrot is half-eaten!"
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"All my e-mails have been read!"
0:04:20 > 0:04:24What caused chaos and destruction in a flat in Henley on Thames this week?
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Boris Johnson.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30Is this an exploding jar of chutney? Yes.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Some lady's fridge door got blown off,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35so obviously the Women's Institute, they're now worried that
0:04:35 > 0:04:38they're going to get labelled as a terrorist organisation.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Are they going to have to start to bring bomb disposal squads?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44It's going to be the sequel to the Hurt Locker.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46It's just going to be a robot approaching a fridge
0:04:46 > 0:04:49with a ploughman's lunch that's not quite complete.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I know. Her husband said, "Well it's nice to see something in this house
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"got blown off this week!"
0:04:55 > 0:04:56GROANING
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Come on! Come on!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Really, Ed? Really, Ed?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01One track...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You normally bring the political stuff, what's going on?!
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Are you backed-up?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Tubes need a clear-out?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Two kids under three, what else can I say?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14LAUGHTER
0:05:14 > 0:05:16If it blows your fridge door off,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19imagine what it would have done if you'd actually eaten it.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21All I'm saying is, if you'd belched,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24you could have said goodbye to your false teeth. Right?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Is there a guy who's eaten it who they've had to cordon off?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31He could blow at any minute! And they're just going to go, yeah, I'm sorry, we're...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33"Don't tickle him, don't tickle him!"
0:05:35 > 0:05:38She said she got it from a friend, and you're thinking,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"Well, who was her friend? Was it Abu Qatada?"
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Are we not going to be able to take chutney on planes now?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47It's not that I always have to travel with a jar of chutney,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49but, you know, just the sort of thing...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"I brought my own, thank you very much, you're very kind."
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It was a home-made chutney, it's a dreadful present.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I hate that when they go, "Oh, Merry Christmas,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"I made you a jar of chutney." You go, "I got you a digital radio!"
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Do you know what annoys me?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04It always comes in a jar that used to contain proper chutney!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I can see you've had better chutney than me!
0:06:07 > 0:06:11I might as well go, "Merry Christmas, I got you the Lord of the Rings box set!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"Well, I say that, I've removed the DVDs and kept them for myself
0:06:13 > 0:06:16"and then made a home video of what I imagine the film would be like."
0:06:16 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Could save a lot of money for older folk, this, though.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Can't save the airfare for Switzerland? Buy some rhubarbs!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Some rhubarbs with an "s"?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Yeah, well you need more than one rhubarb
0:06:34 > 0:06:36to make rhubarb chutney, Hugh.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Maybe this is where your rhubarb chutney's been going wrong all these years.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I'm sure it's rhubarb. I think rhubarb is a collective noun, isn't it?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I think it doesn't have a plural with an "s".
0:06:44 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:49 > 0:06:53What has gone up in one Kent town a tiny bit earlier than expected?
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Well...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58This is a Christmas thing, innit? Christmas lights.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01It's a Christmas thing, yes. Yeah. Yeah, Christmas.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Yeah. What is it that's gone up?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Christmas lights, Christmas lights have gone up. Best conversation ever!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Christmas lights have gone up in a town,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11do you know what the town is called? Tenterden. Tenterden in Kent, yes.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14That's why you said "in what Kentish town?" That was the clue there,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I knew it was in Kent because you said it's a Kentish town. Yes.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Well, it's Christmas all year in Kent,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22because nobody works and everyone's wasted!
0:07:22 > 0:07:23LAUGHTER
0:07:23 > 0:07:26We're discussing, as you know, we're discussing this in September,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29when we record this, so basically we're mocking
0:07:29 > 0:07:32the people of Tenterden for putting their Christmas lights up
0:07:32 > 0:07:34in September, while we record an item about it
0:07:34 > 0:07:37for the December show in September as well.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40So frankly, it's a little bit ironic at least
0:07:40 > 0:07:43and slightly hypocritical of us to be giving out to them.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I had an absolute nightmare last Christmas.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46I'm not looking forward to it this year.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Basically, first Christmas at my in-laws,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52and I ate what I thought was a bowl of vegetable crisps. Pot pourri.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Yeah. Too polite to say no,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57had a mouthful of it, absolutely disgusting.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59But hey, you smelt lovely!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Did they actually offer you the pot pourri?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04No, but they were in the middle of the buffet!
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Like, that's like, "Oh, that smells nice."
0:08:06 > 0:08:09And forgot to move it and I had a... I had the awful shits,
0:08:09 > 0:08:10but it smelt amazing.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13What did it actually taste like? Does it taste... It just tastes like a garden.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I know this is a bit unpleasant, what did your poo smell of?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Well, it was a bit... well, mainly shit.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Mainly normal poo. You're never going to get away from that.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28That's a given really, isn't it?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I mean it was mainly poo, but there was like, it felt like,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34you know like an air freshener that's on its way out?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38And there weren't one in the toilet, but it felt like I'd made one.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41It does seem like it fought the good fight then, the pot pourri, didn't it?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44It helped me out in the long run, but at the start,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46it was a bit heavy going.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Merry Christmas, everyone! Yeah!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51GROANING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:52 > 0:08:55In other news, why might this be affecting children?
0:08:55 > 0:09:00The story is that there's concern that Lego mini figures
0:09:00 > 0:09:02are becoming angrier.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Or they're looking angrier, right?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Of course they're... of course they're angry,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08of course Lego figures are angry.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11They're all alcoholics, it's all this with them...
0:09:11 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:17No, it's a... the report was that over the years Lego toys
0:09:17 > 0:09:21have become more realistic and included more unhappy faces.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24It's been studied by the Department of Too Much Time On Their Hands,
0:09:24 > 0:09:28in the University of Why Don't Other Scientists Take Me Seriously?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32That apparently Lego figures have become more, you know,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34they've expressed more... and a lot of it is due to the fact that
0:09:34 > 0:09:37like now Lego have a lot of kind of links in characters, like the Hulk.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40It doesn't work if you have a Hulk Lego figure going,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"I am the Hulk," with a benign face.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47"Don't make me placid, you wouldn't like me when I'm placid!"
0:09:47 > 0:09:49There could be many more Lego faces that would be more appropriate,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53because you could have lots of happy ones, you could have miserable ones.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55You could have some Lego men that look quite paranoid, as if
0:09:55 > 0:09:58perhaps they wondered as if they were being controlled by giants.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:04I mean, yesterday I was a fireman and today I seem...
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I seem to be on a boat! What's...?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Really, honestly, you know, there's no job consistency here!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13You train for one thing, you'll end up doing anything in Legoland!
0:10:13 > 0:10:17It's the modern life, isn't it? It is. You don't have a trade for life any more.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Yes! We're all Lego men now, Dara, we're all Lego men now.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Listen, we are all Lego men, this is what we would look like...
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:32OK, three of us look ridiculous
0:10:32 > 0:10:36and Andy looks like Lego Colombian drug dealer!
0:10:36 > 0:10:37LAUGHTER
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Well, Hugh looks like George Michael!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Yes. That's... exactly.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47That image is exactly what I think of when I'm trying to delay orgasm.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Oh, I wish I could agree!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53You reacted like that was unfair!
0:10:53 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:10:59 > 0:11:02and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10Urr, good morning. Have you escaped from the top of a Christmas tree?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Anyway, we're just picking up a few of the last Christmas items,
0:11:14 > 0:11:18so tell me, w-what is this stuff?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Well, it's bread, innit?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Is it? Yes, I get mine pre-sliced by the valet.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I've never seen it in its natural... So what do you do to that?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Well you chop it, don't you? There.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Yes, I think I'll stick to Dairylea Lunchables. Yes.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Anyway, lovely work there.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Come on, Camilla, they're got a two-for-one on Andrex super-soft,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39so let's... Oh, God.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Oh God, Camilla's been distracted by the pork again, not the first time!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:45 > 0:11:48So, is that cheese? Is it cheese?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50No, it's not, no.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Oh, well. Oh, lovely, what is it? Is that a Margarita?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I love a Margarita, she was Queen of the Netherlands, you know.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Yes. I'll get it down. I'm drinking a lot at the moment,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04to take my mind off the fact that I'm not King.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:05 > 0:12:09So, yes, what is that? What exactly is that...? Oh, that's salad dressing.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Salad dressing? Don't be ridiculous, it's a Margarita.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14What do you mean, salad dressing?
0:12:14 > 0:12:18No, I'm sure it is... look, I've got the worm at the bottom there, yes.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Anyway, it's lovely. That puts hairs on your chest.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Yes, I love that.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25How much is... I tell you what, I'll, I'll um, er, yeah,
0:12:25 > 0:12:30I'll, erm, er... I'll take a crate, that's what I'll do, yes.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Hello, Your Royal Highness, would you be interest in trying
0:12:34 > 0:12:39some of this beautiful Turkish Delight, for you?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43DEEP, GRAVELLY VOICE: Oh, yes, that would be lovely. Thank you.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46I... oh, that takes me back, yes.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Istanbul 1978.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Samir, his name was. Lovely deep brown eyes, muscular arms.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Held me tight, a wonderful, wonderful singing voice.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Do you mind, could you put a few more sugars in there?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02It's a bit bland. 11, 12... that's lovely.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04And do you, do you have a stirrer?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08I've left mine at home. Gerald, his name is.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:10 > 0:13:13What might put you off eating chocolate?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Seeing me naked.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Yeah.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20It was... it was this chocolate bar that had this sad face.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22A chocolate bar with a sad face, why would that...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24that can't possibly be the case.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Let's have a look at the chocolate bar apparently with a sad face.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Oh, come on! It's great!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Somebody opened a chocolate bar, it was already so conflicted,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39they were eating it upside down, and then this little face
0:13:39 > 0:13:43stares at them, like a... like a re-incarnated fat person
0:13:43 > 0:13:47who ironically has become a chocolate bar!
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Do you know, do you realise we eat things with actual faces all the time?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I know! Do you know what disturbs me about this?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55If they've got a face, then that's the top half,
0:13:55 > 0:13:59and it means for years I've been eating chocolate bottoms.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Well, whatever it is, he looks like he needs a Boost!
0:14:03 > 0:14:04GROANING
0:14:04 > 0:14:06You're stopping that right now.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Literally, I will shut the whole thing down
0:14:08 > 0:14:09if you get any more of these puns.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11If you want to see a sad chocolatey face,
0:14:11 > 0:14:15you should go round Eric Pickles' house when the Nutella's run out.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Further down, he's got a Curly Wurly.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22I tell you what, once I had a chocolate bar at Christmas.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24LAUGHTER
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Merry Christmas, everybody! Merry Christmas from Mock The Week.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Yeah.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33What did Tesco supermarket withdraw from sale recently?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36A doll of a gay best friend.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Yes, it was a doll of a gay best friend.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42So, there it is. I mean, it's not particularly realistic.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45It's a third party seller, so this is the problem
0:14:45 > 0:14:48with their website open to third party sellers, but it was removed.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49The description of the product...
0:14:49 > 0:14:52"If Sex and the City and Will and Grace have taught us anything,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55"it's that gay best friends are in this season."
0:14:55 > 0:14:58It said though, didn't it, it said it loves shopping,
0:14:58 > 0:15:02loves dancing and it will tell you how big your bum is.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04This, incidentally, is...
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Oh, there we go. Dara's got a best friend, everybody!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Finally, finally. Why can't I find a fella?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I know, I know, I know. You're the same.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Oh. Shall we just sit in and watch DVDs together?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18It's not offensive, is it, really, in any sense?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I mean, I don't think.. I think the gay community, right,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24they'll be less offended that it's a gay best friend, right?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28They'll be more offended that any gay person might dress that badly, wouldn't it?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Yes.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Look at that! Are those boots in right now?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I think you ought to look at the hair on the back of his head.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37That is the weirdest thing.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:41It's his hairy ears I'm particularly impressed by.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I have never known a gay... I mean these are people
0:15:44 > 0:15:47who will, like, wax, back, sack, crack, the whole thing, right?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Not ears! But the ears, the ears?!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I didn't know there was like a thing in the gay community, the... Yes?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55While we're drawing attention to things that are not realistic
0:15:55 > 0:15:56about it, I think it's too small.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:16:01 > 0:16:04That's... and please, don't use my head as a sense of scale!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:06 > 0:16:08We know that can be confusing.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11At the moment, the gay best friend thinks that Ray Winstone
0:16:11 > 0:16:12is going to give him some odds!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:18AS WINSTONE: "Bet in play. Bet in play for inflatable gay man!
0:16:18 > 0:16:22"Odds will change all the time!"
0:16:22 > 0:16:24So did you... you managed to buy one before it was removed from sale?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Is that how you...?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Yes, I bought one, then complained so that no-one else can have one.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:35This is my best friend and not yours. What's that?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I know, I know, I know, such a bitch!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Exciting topical news moment here.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Why might men not need scissors or Sellotape this Christmas?
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Because they're married! And their wives do the wrapping.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I was going to say, I was going to say that it's because you
0:16:52 > 0:16:56couldn't get circumcision on the NHS and people...
0:16:56 > 0:17:00It's to do with Man Wrap, it's to help men, supposedly,
0:17:00 > 0:17:04who can't afford or find wrapping paper, easier to wrap stuff.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06But it's essentially tinfoil.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09This is Man Wrap and it's supposed to save you...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11hang on, I'd better do it so it actually works, right.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14We'll take a standard, yeah, like a rectangular shape like this,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18and the idea is that you just wrap it around and it is just tinfoil.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20And then it wraps all the way round and then...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22The good thing is, you can also cook the presents!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Yeah!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27And then you go, "Happy Christmas!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31"I've really gone to a lot of effort to make it look like a sandwich."
0:17:31 > 0:17:35And I'm just imagining as well, in your house you actually
0:17:35 > 0:17:38do give people lever arch files as Christmas presents!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42It is a photo album for your treasured family memories, Ed!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Well, that's just it, if you buy somebody something
0:17:44 > 0:17:47as unimaginative as a photo album or a diary for the coming year,
0:17:47 > 0:17:52something like that, the only effort you can make is to wrap it nicely.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55This now removes even that small modicum of thought!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58They've given me a series of things, like, somebody went out and said,
0:17:58 > 0:18:02"Oh, this will illustrate the problems of Man Wrap well."
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Look, I don't want to say it, but clearly,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08what did you get your wife for Christmas? Some cock!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10..Is essentially what this is.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14But also, surely, if men are useless enough to struggle
0:18:14 > 0:18:18with wrapping paper, they're useless enough not to have actually
0:18:18 > 0:18:19remembered to buy a present.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21So, they're going to have the wrapping paper,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24then they're going to go, "Oh, I haven't got a present."
0:18:24 > 0:18:27They'll then get the wrapping paper, wrap that in newspaper
0:18:27 > 0:18:29and give that as the bloody present!
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Do you know, that's not bad!
0:18:34 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:37 > 0:18:41It is bad when they open it!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Now it's good, "Oh, my God, that's really sweet!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46"Oh, what a lovely thing."
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"Hang on, why don't I just tear off this..."
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Like, "Oh, oh, right. Er, wow, darling,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54"thank you very much. Some cock."
0:18:54 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Yeah, perfect!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59The guy that came up with it said...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01That's the other thing that got me, like, why did you give me
0:19:01 > 0:19:04this random collection of stuff?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Who gives a candle out of the...
0:19:06 > 0:19:09If you got somebody a kettle for Christmas, it would still
0:19:09 > 0:19:11at least be in a box, right?
0:19:11 > 0:19:15If you give somebody a kettle that's not in a box...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Whereas this, "Oh, Ma, I'm out of Man Wrap!
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I think it is quite sexist though to call that "Man Wrap".
0:19:22 > 0:19:25You know, we don't call parking sensors "woman helpers", do we?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I mean, I'm saying we don't!
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Hang on...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:32 > 0:19:35In other news, what's going on here?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39He should have gone to Spec Savers, that one, shouldn't he?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Is that what happens if you Google Canadian pornography?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46LAUGHTER
0:19:46 > 0:19:48No, it is a statue, it's a statue, it's in somebody's garden.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52It's a beautiful artwork, it's made in bronze and washable latex.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I believe in the moose community, they refer to this as brass rubbing.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Is the caption, "Horse regrets novelty hat?"
0:20:04 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:09 > 0:20:12"Worst Halloween ever", it says.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16For all the amusement value, though, there isn't really a man on earth
0:20:16 > 0:20:19who doesn't look at that and feel a slight stab of empathy.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:23If you had a really small garden though,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26that is how you would stack them.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28LAUGHTER
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Like chairs in a parish hall!
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Is the caption,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"Mock The Week Christmas Special shorter than expected?"
0:20:38 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Anyone else give a shit about this particular story?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Hello, I'm Dara O'Briain. Happy Christmas.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51And welcome to a special festive edition of Mock The Week.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54We'll be talking about Christmas, as well as looking back at some
0:20:54 > 0:20:57of our favourite moments from the last year, along with some...
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Ah, la, la, la, la, la! La, la, la, la, la!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05So happy ha, la, la, la, la to all of our...
0:21:05 > 0:21:10all of our multi-faith viewers, happy ha, la, la, la, la to you,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14you have a wonderful ha, la, la, ha, la, la, la, la, la! 0:21:35,800 --> 24:13:18,025 How has Cameron come out of this? 24:13:18,025 --> 25:32:50,251 Through a door, was it? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yeah. You showed him! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Is it, "How sure am I, Merry Christmas, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 that this answer will end up in the Christmas compilation? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Genuine racist Sikhs... need not apply. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I'll say it again... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 ..genuine racist Sikhs need not apply. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Ed, would you answer this question, because...? No problem. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 ..because you're here. Er... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Where did Andy have tea the day after his win? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Er, in his mouth. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yeah. Do that again, shall we? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Usually, though. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 So where did Andy have tea the day after his win? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 In his mouth! No, just do it properly this time. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 But that's what he did. What, what? What's happened? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 What? Technical flaws, errors? We're not fast enough. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 It was a bit dark, apparently. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 # One more time! # 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 If you could do it in a more kind of upbeat way, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 apparently it was a bit dark. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 The way you walked over reminded us all of our own mortality. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 New, Runway red lip balm from Superglue. Because we've under... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Oh, fucking bollock prick! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 OK, at the end, at the end of that round... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 At the end of that, fuck! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Once you've stopped doing your old person bit, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 we can get on with the...? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 In other news, Ed, you're on a roll. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 See if you can get this one! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 What's up with you people?! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Look, Ed is making you look like fucking idiots here! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I can't believe it! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 No, we had to stop because apparently I had some glitter on me. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Was it from your gay best friend? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 From you! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 OK, the next topic is... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I wipe my arse with Colgate. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 And now I've got a ring of confidence! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 If it tastes like butter and spreads straight from the fridge, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 you've probably had a power cut. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Condoms, because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Ryanair... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 because I'm worth shit. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Frosties, they're... They're all right. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 New BG from Garnier. Exfoliates, hydrates, epilates, urinates. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Probably not that last one. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Unlimited minutes, unlimited texts, unlimited music downloads, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 yes, it's our new "Twat on a Train" tariff. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Have a break, have a wank. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Maybe she's born with it, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 in which case I probably shouldn't take the piss. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Bekele has to walk for five miles every day for fresh water. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 That's why she ought to be thinking about the new Mazda. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Coco Chanel. Tastes bloody horrible, I'm sticking to Horlicks. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Lidl, because life didn't work out as you planned. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Hi, I'm Kevin Bacon, doing an ad on British TV. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 SOBS: What happened?! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 The DFS furniture sale is... is not currently on. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 This Christmas, get Mock The Week on DVD, featuring all the regulars. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Dara O'Briain. "And coming up this week, of course, it's Andy Parsons. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "Milton Jones. Ummmm... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "And of course, don't forget Micky Flanagan. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "East end of London." 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 GARBLED: "And not forgetting of course Chris Addison...." 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "Thank you very much!" 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 OK, the next topic is... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 GROANING AND LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Don't judge me! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yes! It's just what I wanted, a Sean Walsh DVD! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I want to fucking kill myself! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Well, the evening's not been wasted! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 All right, let's keep it festive! Keep it festive, all right? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Come on. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I know you don't like the fairy, but he's our son's boyfriend 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 and he makes him very happy! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Right, now, it's time for the nutty fruitcake soaked in booze. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Come on down, Granny! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 George Michael, you are accused of trafficking in human organs. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Last Christmas someone gave you their heart. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 No, just socks and aftershave. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Why, what did YOU wear to church? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Oh guys, you really shouldn't have. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 No, seriously, you really shouldn't have. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 They're an endangered species, you can't make shoes from them! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Well, it's nearly midnight and I can hear Big Ben. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 He's upstairs shagging my wife, I'm not... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 GROANING AND APPLAUSE 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I went to Africa last year. They DO know it's Christmas. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Here we go! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Strap in! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 SOBS: "Daddy, I just watched the Snowman, and at the end, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "the ginger kid survived!" 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Last year for Christmas, to help my grandfather give up smoking, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I bought him a petrol-infused cigarette. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 His face lit up. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 "Brian... when I told you to serve mulled wine 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 to the next door neighbours with no cloves... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Put your pants on, son! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Santa, that wasn't the sack I wanted emptying! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER AND GROANING 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 He's out of control! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yes, he was! Yes, he is out of control. Out of control. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 What's happened? Unbelievable! It was you! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Welcome to the Mock The Week Christmas Special, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 which after Dara O'Briain's recent arrest for turkey-worrying, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 was obviously recorded in October. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 That was the Christmas number one. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 And now for the Christmas number two. Cannot wait! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Goodbye, Brussels sprouts! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Oh guys, you really shouldn't have. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 No seriously, you shouldn't, these are poisonous, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 where did you pick them? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 These are... have you washed your hands? Where's Matthew? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 I know we said we'd take it in turns with our parents, 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 but I just don't fancy your mum! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 LAUGHTER AND GROANING 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 BUZZER 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 What's happened? What has happened to you?! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 It's Christmas! That's your reason! It's Christmas! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 # Young man, da da da da, young man! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 # Na na na na na na na 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 # I said young man! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 # Na na na na na na na, na na na ner ner ner ner ner ner! 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 What, a Christmas single, with me and a tiny, inflatable gay doll? 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yeah, that would be the weirdest Christmas. 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Hey, this Christmas why not ring in the New Year... 25:32:50,251 --> 25:32:50,251 Yeah...