:02:25. > :02:30.loss of subtitles. This programme contains strong
:02:30. > :02:34.language. How has this presentation of
:02:34. > :02:38.policies gone. My favourite policy in the speech he said if he's
:02:38. > :02:45.elected he won't take his shirt off in public. I like that for two
:02:45. > :02:51.reasons, one it is attainable. The other one he said if he was elected,
:02:51. > :02:55.which implies if he's not he might streak through parliament? That is
:02:55. > :02:59.the most effective way to get elected if you say if you don't
:02:59. > :03:04.elect me I will take my top off and run through the streets. He should
:03:04. > :03:13.stand and slowly raise it up, oh yeah, it is coming off, yeah. Are
:03:13. > :03:18.you ready for this jelly? Ed Balls is at conference every year, what
:03:18. > :03:22.is it? He plays a football match every year. He does, and every year
:03:22. > :03:26.we show photographs of him playing the football match they conference.
:03:26. > :03:31.This is from two years ago. This is last year's photograph we have as
:03:31. > :03:39.well. Then the standard photograph, he went for a different look this
:03:39. > :03:45.year. This is this year's! He's gone, it is saucey if anything.
:03:45. > :03:50.It is the one leg up and the kind of, paint me like your French
:03:50. > :03:58.ladies Leo. All right, let's move on to the far more entertaining and
:03:58. > :04:05.comedy conference, what is going on here? Is he at the Dover ferry
:04:05. > :04:09.terminal and waving goodbye to the foreigners. It might be just
:04:10. > :04:18.firpblg going I'm in charge because I'm the most - Farage, going I'm
:04:18. > :04:24.the most normal. I'm the electable one. I'm the safe face of UKIP.
:04:24. > :04:34.That's actually how he always enters a foom, he always comes -- a
:04:34. > :04:40.always goes in says "Farage". Is it Farage sells teeth for party funds.
:04:40. > :04:44.I know he did, I bought them off him. Nigel, how many immigrants
:04:44. > :04:51.would you be happy with in this country? His cook, his cleaner, his
:04:51. > :04:54.gardener! Yes, it is Farage at the UKIP conference, which gave more
:04:54. > :05:01.headlines than Labour could possibly dream of of the --. He was
:05:02. > :05:05.pretending to be a man of the people, he was a stock broker who
:05:05. > :05:14.went to public school. If he was a man of the people, he would be
:05:14. > :05:24.called Nigel Far-age, rather than Farage, like garage, he might live
:05:25. > :05:32.in a vill-age, and enjoy a saus-age, people come over here and can't
:05:32. > :05:36.pronounce our words, it is an out- r-age. It is funny when you see him,
:05:36. > :05:42.when he's being the same member of the party and he's clumping down.
:05:42. > :05:47.Who does he destroy at the party conference? Godfrey Bloom. What did
:05:47. > :05:52.he say? He went to a Women in Politics discussion and described
:05:52. > :05:57.them all as "sluts". My main question is, when holding a woman
:05:57. > :06:01.in politics set together, who is inviting Godfrey Bloom? It is like
:06:02. > :06:10.having Tony Blair as Middle East peace ambassador! What was his
:06:10. > :06:17.defence for calling them sluts? He said he called them sluts because
:06:17. > :06:26.they didn't clean behind the fridge. Funny old definition. Is that an
:06:26. > :06:32.awful euphamism. His idea was the old meaning of slut were people who
:06:32. > :06:38.were slatternly or unclean and he didn't mean slags, which is always
:06:38. > :06:43.a very weak point when you say I meant sluts in the old 18th century,
:06:43. > :06:50.not contemporary sluts, these women aren't that, slags, no. You can
:06:50. > :06:51.have such a massive story that overshadowed the whole conference.
:06:51. > :06:59.My grandmother heard about it and overshadowed the whole conference.
:06:59. > :07:04.she lives in Bongo Bongo Land. I do think it is a strange problem to
:07:05. > :07:08.choose in a task around the house, who cleans behind a fridge, have I
:07:09. > :07:12.missed a thing? How do you get behind the fridge. You would have
:07:13. > :07:17.to move the fridge for a start? He would have to take out the whole
:07:17. > :07:21.fitted kitchen. If I ever came home and found her cleaning behind the
:07:21. > :07:25.fripbl, I have to stage an intervention and go honey, this is
:07:25. > :07:30.going too far. I just caught you cleaning behind the fridge. I don't
:07:30. > :07:35.think I can take this. I could get on board with all of our urine
:07:35. > :07:39.being collected in jars, but I can't, behind the fridge is too far,
:07:39. > :07:44.this is too much, we need to get help here.
:07:44. > :07:49.Women are better at finding mustard in the pantry than driving, he said,
:07:49. > :07:51.and I'm like why are you hiding your mustard from your wife, I was
:07:51. > :07:58.and I'm like why are you hiding like what are you like, is she on
:07:58. > :08:05.two backs Coleman he is offer day and yellow up her nose. He's out
:08:05. > :08:10.with the stopwatch, making a ham sandwich? Where's the mustard? Hit.
:08:10. > :08:14.He hit a Channel 4 News reporter on the head with a brochure.
:08:14. > :08:20.Apparently the channel 4 news reporter was hit so hard he's so
:08:20. > :08:30.injured that he had to become a Channel 5 news reporter.
:08:30. > :08:34.We actually have the point was it Michael Crick? Very famous he is.
:08:34. > :08:39.He made the point that this is the brochure of their conference, and
:08:39. > :08:43.it features faces of 270 UKIP members, they are all white. And he
:08:44. > :08:57.said there isn't a black face on this. He gave the brilliant counter
:08:57. > :09:02.argument, no you're racist! It is like arguing with an eight-year-old,
:09:02. > :09:06.you're the racist, no you're the raceist. And then toe make sure of
:09:07. > :09:12.the point he hit him on the head. A fine piece of footage. What is
:09:12. > :09:15.brilliant about the brochure is illegal immigrants can cut out the
:09:15. > :09:23.pictures and just about the right size to make a false passport! It
:09:23. > :09:30.looks like a racist version of Guess Who? Are they back? No...He
:09:30. > :09:34.Said he wants to represent the Yorkshire women that have dinner on
:09:34. > :09:41.the table when you get home. Nobody wants that, you want your tracksuit
:09:41. > :09:47.bottoms on, a cup of tea and Scannedy Crush, and the fridge for
:09:47. > :09:53.an hour. Not straight into the toad in the hole and after I have been
:09:53. > :09:55.work, got the get the mustard out. That was Josh, Hugh and Gary that
:09:56. > :10:01.work, got the get the mustard out. round went to T
:10:01. > :10:10.The next round is called News Real, we play a recent piece of footage -
:10:10. > :10:16.- News Reel, we feature a recent piece of footage and ask our
:10:16. > :10:24.players to write it out. Hello Nick, I came to visit the Jag, you said
:10:24. > :10:29.to come and go and visit by train and it broke down. Nick I wish you
:10:29. > :10:34.would disappear permanentry, you just smile inanely good morning
:10:34. > :10:39.everybody, I'm sorry we are late, somebody fell under Eric Pickles at
:10:39. > :10:43.Hemel Hempstead and we are on the replacement bus service. Please
:10:43. > :10:48.give a warm welcome to the Deputy Prime Minister. Thank you for the
:10:49. > :10:52.warmth of that welcome, I'm wearing a red tied to to look more
:10:52. > :10:57.socialist than my colleague, it is not very convincing, we are here to
:10:57. > :11:00.announce a massive £40 billion investment in high-speed rail,
:11:00. > :11:03.please feel free to show our investment in high-speed rail,
:11:03. > :11:09.appreciation of the policies of the coalition Government. Well high-
:11:09. > :11:13.speed rail is vital, if you are travelling to Birmingham soon you
:11:13. > :11:20.will be able to spend an extra 20 minutes in Birmingham. Well, thank
:11:20. > :11:28.you for your enthusiasm. That was an absolute fucking disaster, I
:11:28. > :11:34.hate trains. Oh Oh look at this, I have downloaded this picture of
:11:34. > :11:38.Nick Clegg with the head on a woman's body. Hello there? Hello
:11:38. > :11:42.gentlemen, we are lost, here and in Government, can you help us find a
:11:42. > :11:50.way out. I wonder what you have got on your computer? Well done Hugh.
:11:50. > :12:00.Now we play a round called Gag Theft Out toe -- Auto5. Romesh and
:12:00. > :12:05.Gary please make your way to the performance area. I launch the
:12:05. > :12:11.Wheel of News, you step forward and talk about the subject, whoever
:12:11. > :12:17.wins is who I think is funniest. Education, who wants to come in
:12:17. > :12:22.there, Romesh? I used to be a teacher, actually, I was a maths
:12:22. > :12:26.teacher, not a very good one. As I found out it doesn't actually
:12:26. > :12:31.matter, you can get away with it for quite a while. Ofsted come in
:12:31. > :12:36.and you have an inspector in the back of your class, I have to make
:12:36. > :12:48.sure I'm doing my job properly, learning outcomes on the board,
:12:48. > :12:53.pieing that rus and geometry -- pythagerous and geometry, and then
:12:54. > :13:01.a boy asks a question, and I go, Timothy, great, what is it, and he
:13:01. > :13:05.says "Why are you being weird ", I have to let Timothy know without
:13:05. > :13:09.the inspector knowing I will end him. Every single question and
:13:10. > :13:14.every single maths book, to be multiculturalist, has to be a white
:13:14. > :13:19.or black kid, or white kid and Asian kid. I don't know about you,
:13:19. > :13:23.I wouldn't want to meet with a kid of another colour if every time I
:13:23. > :13:28.met up with him he wanted to do bloody maths! The questions you get
:13:28. > :13:38.in these textbooks are amazing, you get questions like "Philip thinks
:13:38. > :13:42.the answer is eight, Dilip... Thinks that the answer is ten,
:13:42. > :13:48.which one is correct", a kid will put his hand up and say Dilip is
:13:48. > :13:56.correct. And I say why, and he says because Asian kids are bods aren't
:13:56. > :13:59.they? We had uniform at the school, I agree with uniform, the problem
:13:59. > :14:02.they? We had uniform at the school, is they are strict about it.
:14:02. > :14:06.Talking to sixth form lads about what they are wearing, absolutely
:14:06. > :14:10.not a problem. I have no issue with that. Talking to sixth form girls
:14:10. > :14:13.about what they are wearing, something I felt a lot less
:14:13. > :14:17.comfortable about. What I actually found is if I looked at them long
:14:17. > :14:28.enough they soon covered themselves up! Thank you very much. That
:14:28. > :14:38.leaves us with Gary, let's see what you have. Spin the wheel.
:14:38. > :14:43.Relationships. I used to suffer from premature ejaculation, which
:14:43. > :14:47.made me feel selfish and bad for my girlfriend. Then she suggested a
:14:47. > :14:57.try a special cream that reduces a sensitiveity, and it worked, now I
:14:57. > :15:00.don't give a shit about her. I bought a vegan friend a cook book,
:15:00. > :15:04.he wouldn't accept it, because it was leather bound, he said it was
:15:04. > :15:09.too heavy for him to lift. When I was a teenager my mum always said
:15:09. > :15:14.your bedroom is so messy you will never get any self-respecting girl
:15:14. > :15:18.to come back here, luckily they weren't the ones I was going after.
:15:18. > :15:24.I watched the director's qut of a porn film, at the end he actually
:15:24. > :15:30.fixes the washing machine. I was in a sex shop, saw a dildo described
:15:30. > :15:33.as nine-inches long and realistic, I thought, which is it? The
:15:33. > :15:38.Archbishop of Canterbury recently said he couldn't support gay
:15:38. > :15:43.marriage without first having a man-date, honestly, if he's that
:15:44. > :15:48.bothered I will go out with him. One time I chucked my keys into a
:15:48. > :15:52.bowl at a party, everyone staired at me and the trifle was ruined. I
:15:52. > :15:57.was watching a really weird pornothe other day that was a fat
:15:57. > :16:00.man crying and wanking at the same time, and then I realised I hadn't
:16:00. > :16:14.turn the telly on. Thank you Points for both of you,
:16:14. > :16:19.come on back. Our next round is if this is the answer, what is the
:16:19. > :16:25.question. Romesh which category? Science please Dara. The answer is:
:16:25. > :16:34.What is the question? Is it how long it would take Joey Essex to
:16:34. > :16:40.spell the word "hypothetical". Is it what is the best-before date for
:16:40. > :16:46.coal. Is it how long will I wait for a girl to text me back before
:16:46. > :16:54.I'm sure she's not interested. Thank you. Is it how long it takes
:16:54. > :17:00.for a bowl of porridge to cool down. Is it how long does a panda go
:17:00. > :17:08.between shags. Is it how long will it take my iPhone 4 to download
:17:08. > :17:12.IOS7. Is it on my first trip to Nandos how long did I sit at the
:17:12. > :17:20.able before realising you had to go up to order. That is sweet. They
:17:20. > :17:26.are very slow in here. Twiddling your napkin, I shall write a very
:17:26. > :17:30.harsh review of this. Is it if you booked to a Ryanair time machine,
:17:31. > :17:39.how far from where you wanted to be would you in fact end up? Is it how
:17:39. > :17:46.long we have got on earth until it is too hot to live on. Absolutely
:17:46. > :17:52.right, well done Rob. Yes, the question I was looking for
:17:52. > :17:56.was how many years maximum do scientists predict human beings
:17:56. > :18:02.have left on earth. Scientists have estimated the earth could possibly
:18:02. > :18:08.support life for up to a 1.7 billion years, then it will be
:18:08. > :18:12.uninhabitable. 1.75 billion years, they reckon then the earth will get
:18:12. > :18:15.so hot, because the sun will expand and the temperatures will soar and
:18:15. > :18:20.the oceans will disappear. And you are thinking that is one hell of a
:18:20. > :18:27.long range weather forecast isn't it? How hot does it need to get
:18:27. > :18:34.until I can call my house a villa? Is it 35 degrees or...I Presume
:18:34. > :18:42.there was some architectural part of villas? It is a bungalow with a
:18:42. > :18:45.pool, innit? Y care any way, it is not going to make
:18:45. > :18:52.pool, innit? Y care any way, it is to me unless Omeaga 3 is much more
:18:52. > :18:58.powerful than we imagined. If you had 1.75 billion to the total time
:18:58. > :19:04.on the planet as a species so far, it is 1.75 billion. We won't be
:19:04. > :19:09.around. It is an unfair time for it to happen as the eurozone comes out
:19:09. > :19:15.of recession! If it is going to be too hot in two billion years, it
:19:15. > :19:18.will be well nice for a good couple of thousand. A really nice
:19:18. > :19:26.temperatures before worrying about that. It will be uninhabit table
:19:26. > :19:30.because it is too hot, but for a while it would be great. You think
:19:30. > :19:34.it will happen 1.75 billion, it doesn't affect me, but as a Hindu I
:19:34. > :19:42.believe in reincarnation. I'm worried I might be a goat when the
:19:42. > :19:50.big thing happens. Could you come back as an oven glove? I'm not a
:19:50. > :19:55.scientist. It is important you said that at the start. See if I'm right
:19:55. > :20:01.here. So the sun is like Helen Mirren in that the older it get,
:20:01. > :20:06.the hotter it gets, is that right? Essentially yes. Helen Mirren
:20:06. > :20:11.started burning hydrogen but as she has grown older she begins to burn
:20:11. > :20:21.helium and larger elements. Does she talk with a higher voice. Then
:20:21. > :20:25.she expands and out it comes. Does this mean she will turn into a
:20:25. > :20:32.white dwarf. At some point it would be great if she did. Hello Helen?
:20:32. > :20:36.Hello. Are we talking inside of a McDonald's apple pie hot. You know
:20:36. > :20:41.how hot it is going to be, every day the Sun will say what a
:20:41. > :20:52.scourger and a picture of a girl on the beach. Where is it? Kepler 22-B.
:20:53. > :20:57.There are planets. The idea is we would move to another planet. In
:20:57. > :21:03.the Goldilocks. It would be suitable for life, there is life on
:21:03. > :21:09.it, we arrive, essentially immigrants. It would be fantastic,
:21:09. > :21:15.we arrive in a hidious turn of fate, we turn up and some UKIP are
:21:15. > :21:22.running Kepler 22-B, and it is earth left-wingings, we are not
:21:22. > :21:25.having them there. Why is it called Goldilocks? Because it is neither
:21:25. > :21:30.too hot or too gold, that is important when you are a planet.
:21:30. > :21:36.Bette Midler likes porridge, but not hot porridge but medium
:21:36. > :21:43.porridge, before she explodes and ungefls the whole planet. That is
:21:43. > :21:53.how scientist talk. When did Helen Mirren become Bette Midler. That
:21:53. > :21:57.was a Freudian slip. One fancies Bette Midler. We all have to shadow
:21:57. > :22:02.underneath Bette Midler's wings where it would always be cooler
:22:02. > :22:07.under her wings. That is where the wind is. Sorry, I can't believe
:22:07. > :22:11.that. What bad news does Ryanair have this week? Is it nobody had
:22:11. > :22:20.excess luggage so they didn't make a profit. Ryanair the UKIP of
:22:20. > :22:25.international airlines. There was a survey by Which? Magazine who said
:22:25. > :22:29.their customer service was bad. They were the worst of 100 well
:22:29. > :22:33.known brands in terms of customer service. This is unsurprising given
:22:33. > :22:41.that they have charged people for wheelchairs in the past. 99 piers
:22:41. > :22:44.of complaints were dealt -- 99% of complaints were dealt within seven
:22:44. > :22:48.days, but that is still too long to be on hold.
:22:48. > :22:52.You are thinking, you could quite imagine being on Ryanair, and hear
:22:52. > :22:57.a tannoy announcement or a loss of pressure in the cabin and a second
:22:57. > :23:02.tannoy saying hands up those of you who want to rent an oxygen mask. I
:23:02. > :23:08.would pay for that but I would want to use it. I get really irritated
:23:08. > :23:14.on planes, it is there but it has never popped down. You? Never.
:23:14. > :23:18.Popping down is a bad sign you know. You don't want to go great, the air
:23:18. > :23:27.mask is down. And then turn to my child and go "wait your turn", very
:23:28. > :23:38.important I do me first. One for the entire family. They are
:23:39. > :23:43.thinking of charging, you can actually think of getting porn on
:23:43. > :23:48.Ryanair as a pay-movie. You don't want the person sat next to you
:23:48. > :23:50.watching porn on the flight do you. Then pretending the entire flight
:23:50. > :23:57.to be trying to get something out of their pocket. If you are
:23:57. > :24:00.watching porn on a Ryanair flight, at least you could watch someone
:24:00. > :24:06.being screwed in a more uncomfortable space than you are in.
:24:06. > :24:15.At the end of that round Rob, Romesh and Andy get the points.
:24:15. > :24:18.Now we come to scenes we would like to see. If everyone can make their
:24:19. > :24:22.way over to the performance area. I will read out the topics and we
:24:22. > :24:26.will see what the panellists can come up with. Here we go, the first
:24:26. > :24:32.subject is, things you wouldn't hear on a DIY show. Many people
:24:32. > :24:41.have written to us asking how we can make your house greener, simple,
:24:41. > :24:49.paint it green. And there it is, a perfect patio, and the police won't
:24:49. > :24:51.suspect a thing. Don't bother putting the kettle on, we will
:24:51. > :24:57.suspect a thing. Don't bother crack on with the work straight
:24:57. > :25:06.away. The walls are plastered and I'm a
:25:06. > :25:11.bit shit-faced too, to be honest. Welcome to Bollywood does DIY,
:25:11. > :25:22.episode number one, change a lightbulb. Of course. I'm Nick
:25:22. > :25:26.Knowles and no matter how many DIY programmes make, I will never be as
:25:26. > :25:35.famous as my sister, Beyonce. This week on Grand Design, two more
:25:35. > :25:43.middle-class tossers piss away their life savings on some
:25:43. > :25:47.glorified Wendy house. After three hours of sawing, six hours of
:25:47. > :25:56.hammering, and sanding all day, it is done, finally your neighbours
:25:56. > :26:00.have moved out. So for the best finish, Rub vigorously up and down
:26:00. > :26:07.with a piece of sand paper. Be warned, you may get a very sore
:26:07. > :26:12.penis. We have managed to double the price
:26:12. > :26:21.in Middlesborough, we put £20 in the biscuit tin. General's parents
:26:21. > :26:31.helped us out with the budget on the project, by dying. So, drill
:26:31. > :26:36.the pilot hole, take the plasterboard fixing, before you
:26:36. > :26:43.count to sink the baton, ask yourself is it any wonder my wife
:26:43. > :26:48.left me for a table magician from Macclesfield. We sandblasted
:26:48. > :26:51.several layers of varnish off, but sadly there was very little of the
:26:51. > :26:58.Celebrati?on Realife Dale Winton left.
:26:58. > :27:05.This week John put up the wallpaper himself, we are taking him to
:27:05. > :27:15.hospital. We have got 24 hours to renovate Sharon's house, let's
:27:15. > :27:24.start by smashing her back doors in. Sarah Beanie has helped Andy
:27:24. > :27:30.convert his semi-into a full boner! The next topic is:
:27:30. > :27:41.He gazed into her eyes and said is it better with this lens or this
:27:41. > :27:49.lens. Godfrey looked behind the fridge,
:27:49. > :27:54.he was in luck, she was a slut. Will you make me the happiest man
:27:54. > :28:05.on earth, will you marry me, will you change your name, will you
:28:05. > :28:09.become the next Mrs Goaty Bollocks. Yes the earth did move for me, I
:28:09. > :28:16.think they must have started fracking.
:28:16. > :28:21.As he looked into our eyes for the last time, he whispered into her
:28:21. > :28:32.ear, always remember we will always have the bins behind Morrisons.
:28:32. > :28:38.Roimy, Romeo, -- Romeo, Romeo, 555 Oscar Tango, grey Octavia scene
:28:38. > :28:43.heading towards the M6. I have been looking for you my whole life,
:28:43. > :28:48.iPhone maps are crap. He made love to her like no man had ever done
:28:48. > :28:58.before, it was so intense she dropped her chips. Fancy a coffee,
:28:58. > :29:02.she said, he realised his luck of in and started taking his clothes
:29:02. > :29:09.off, at which point he got kicked out of Starbucks.
:29:09. > :29:20.They skipped hand in hand through the wood. Look, a yew tree, how
:29:20. > :29:24.appropriate. He was a strapping officer from World War I, she was
:29:24. > :29:33.disappointed with uniformdating.com.com. Dazey was
:29:33. > :29:42.everything he looked for in a woman, pissed with low self-esteem.
:29:42. > :29:50.She danced as if no-one was watching and people were watching
:29:50. > :30:03.and she looked like a twat. At last I have found you, is it really you?
:30:03. > :30:11.Are you Wally? Does this story have a happy ending,
:30:11. > :30:21.he asked her. She snapped back, "happy ending, $50". Points for rob,
:30:21. > :30:25.Romesh and Andy. That's the end of the show, this
:30:25. > :30:35.week's winners are Andy Parsons, Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett.
:30:35. > :30:40.Commiserations to Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney. Thank
:30:40. > :30:59.you for watching, I'm Dara O'Brien. Good night.