:00:10. > :00:30.This programme contains some strong language
:00:30. > :00:45.Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me are
:00:45. > :00:48.Andy Parsons, Josh Widdicombe and Miles Jupp. Seann Walsh, Hugh Dennis
:00:48. > :00:59.and Milton Jones. APPLAUSE
:00:59. > :01:03.We start with Picture of the Week. I show the panel a topic image and ask
:01:03. > :01:08.them what is happening. So, team what is going on here? Has the
:01:08. > :01:14.recession hit the Village People tribute act? This week's Grand
:01:14. > :01:24.Designs I have entombed Kevin McCloud behind this wall! The worst
:01:24. > :01:31.profile on UniformDating.com? Has Miley Cyrus just nicked his
:01:31. > :01:36.sledgehammer? Has he bricked over the door that leads to of Nick
:01:36. > :01:40.Clegg's office? Is the caption "under me, O Briain faces its
:01:40. > :01:48.biggest problem and it's the hat speaking! "
:01:48. > :01:55.-- Britain faces its briggest problem and it's the hat speak
:01:55. > :02:03.speaking! " He has that NCP look about him! Is it the Downing
:02:03. > :02:11.Street's five courts extension? It is squash with your hand! Oh, gosh -
:02:11. > :02:18.I have given myself away there! Why is... Is he playing scissors
:02:18. > :02:26.I have given myself away there! stones udder? ! Is it him having a
:02:26. > :02:31.trip at the Conservative Party Conference? That is right. Well done
:02:31. > :02:35.Andy Parsons! Yes, this is David Cameron on a visit to a housing
:02:35. > :02:39.development near Manchester during this week's Conservative Party
:02:40. > :02:43.Conference. A number of high-profile policies were announced. Have you
:02:43. > :02:50.seen any? Yes, they announced married couples will get a tax
:02:50. > :02:57.allowance. It will be £200 a year to encourage couples - £4 a week! It is
:02:57. > :03:03.brilliant, isn't it! People going, walk out, don't turn around - hey,
:03:03. > :03:09.there's two quid in it for you! It is a pint you could get a pint out
:03:09. > :03:14.of it. Then you could argue every week who would get the pint. Talking
:03:14. > :03:22.London prices here. If they break into a student bar in Stoke... It
:03:22. > :03:27.would do for a month. That will help the cohesion of their marriage. £200
:03:27. > :03:34.a year. The average wedding is £18,000, so to break even 90 years
:03:34. > :03:37.you need to be married for. Don't go dying on me - I need another 23
:03:37. > :03:45.years out of you! Come on! We're not married, Andy!
:03:45. > :03:52.It was like the weirdest romantic movie ever!
:03:52. > :03:57.Don't I feel the gooseberry! Who is going to be... What decision
:03:57. > :04:04.would you make differently because of £200 a year? My accountant
:04:04. > :04:10.advised me to be a Mormon! He hands out the leaflets all the
:04:11. > :04:16.time! That was an unrelated anecdote!
:04:16. > :04:21.Is it social engineering by dangling money. He has not dangled it. He has
:04:21. > :04:30.waved it in front of people and said, if you liked it then you
:04:30. > :04:35.should have put a ring on it! What other policies were mentioned?
:04:35. > :04:40.A policy for the unemployed. It is a great policy. What happens is if you
:04:40. > :04:47.cannot find a job you have to clean up litter or feed old people - which
:04:47. > :04:52.is kind of offensive to old people that they have said they are the
:04:52. > :04:57.worst two jobs! Get one half of the jobless to pick up the litter, the
:04:57. > :05:01.other half to drop the litter and that way you have twice as many
:05:01. > :05:06.people busy and you are not robbing anyone of employment.
:05:07. > :05:12.There is a big issue about the employment of Wombles after this.
:05:12. > :05:16.They all come over from Bulgaria, any way. No-one wants to be made
:05:16. > :05:21.unemployed. It is a horrible thing. To be handed a clock and shown the
:05:21. > :05:33.door, especially if you work for Al-Qaeda!
:05:33. > :05:43.The long-term unemployed would pick up litters litter -- litter and how
:05:43. > :05:50.often to go to the Jobcentre? And the help to buy scheme. I am in
:05:50. > :06:02.favour of home loans. There was home loans three.
:06:02. > :06:06.He was like 19 or something. See you in three weeks' time. I don't think
:06:06. > :06:10.most people understand all this stuff. I think if you want to appeal
:06:10. > :06:15.to people it needs to be more simple. I would pay more attention
:06:15. > :06:21.if one of the policies was all fire alarms to start off by going psss -
:06:21. > :06:26.your toast is just a bit burnt. Then I would go, all right this guy knows
:06:27. > :06:31.what he's talking about. Or if the Government made plug sockets higher,
:06:31. > :06:38.so you didn't have to bend over. Yorkshire puddings with every meal!
:06:38. > :06:52.I get confused. Too many number, too many people - I don't know what's
:06:52. > :06:57.going on. I thought this was Buzzcocks!
:06:57. > :07:01.Hoping to defend O Briain from cyber attacks. They will get computer
:07:01. > :07:09.geeks, employed by the Army to protect us. Let's - face it - people
:07:09. > :07:13.instead of going, oh, I fought in World War II, the battle of Dunkirk,
:07:13. > :07:18.it will be more like I fought in world war three, level five!
:07:18. > :07:28.They are getting hackers to jump ships. Such a-and-a-half movie. He
:07:28. > :07:34.go -- such a naff movie, he goes, I am not here to arrest you. I am here
:07:34. > :07:38.to offer you a job. Are these people the ones can excellent password
:07:38. > :07:45.strength? All the time you have typed it in, that is what it has
:07:45. > :07:53.been doing. Josh's mum - no. Why, Josh's mum - I have no idea. We are
:07:53. > :08:05.not very close! Cyberwar films. Things like Das
:08:05. > :08:13.Reboot! The great Alt deelect escape!
:08:13. > :08:18.Saving Private Ryan. What about platoon. Oh, I spilt coffee on my
:08:18. > :08:23.laptop! You have to do the most difficult things on a computer.
:08:23. > :08:28.Unsubscribing from Linkedin and finding the hashtag key on an Apple
:08:28. > :08:34.keyboard without having to copy it from Google, which is what I have to
:08:34. > :08:40.do every time. Mine has a line over the O. My professional name I had to
:08:40. > :08:44.dump it because I cannot find it on the keyboard. It is that and that
:08:44. > :08:49.and that and that and that and that. That is good - I change my name - it
:08:49. > :08:55.is just easier! They are meant to slow down our
:08:55. > :09:02.enemy's capacity for cyberwarfare. Put China on BT Broadband.
:09:02. > :09:09.APPLAUSE They said the kind of things you
:09:09. > :09:10.would have to do would get you arrested in the real world. Correct
:09:10. > :09:16.me if I am wrong, that is also true arrested in the real world. Correct
:09:16. > :09:19.of regular soldiers. LAUGHTER
:09:19. > :09:24.I am thinking specifically of shooting and so forth!
:09:24. > :09:29.Ordinary policemen know nothing about computers. I don't know if you
:09:29. > :09:34.have been down to PC World! LAUGHTER
:09:34. > :09:38.Why is there extra pressure on some students to do well at University?
:09:38. > :09:40.Because parents can bet on what their children will get. They may be
:09:40. > :09:43.Because parents can bet on what pressured to get a first if that is
:09:43. > :09:49.what they bet on. Also they can come to you and go, you'll need to throw
:09:49. > :09:53.this exam! I have put the house on you getting
:09:53. > :09:58.this exam! a two-two. Could you do an exam
:09:58. > :10:02.under that pressure? I would worry like if the odds changed in football
:10:02. > :10:14.and Ray Winstone's head would come up - in the middle of an exam!
:10:14. > :10:18.You've got that wrong. Shut up, Ray. Shut up gianted floating Ray
:10:18. > :10:23.Winstone head! -- giant floating Ray Winstone head!
:10:23. > :10:28.We had a bet at our school on who would miss out on their GCSE GCSEs
:10:28. > :10:36.because they got pregnant and everybody got it right, Sarah... Not
:10:36. > :10:43.her real name! Did you make sure of that, Andy.
:10:43. > :10:48.Some insider trading there. Quite literally insider trading. Sportsday
:10:48. > :10:54.- make that more interesting. Loads of parents with houses on the egg
:10:54. > :11:01.and spoon race. Don't drop the egg, don't drop the egg!
:11:01. > :11:15.Now, we play a round called Can You Smell What The Mock is Cooking. This
:11:15. > :11:21.involves Josh and Milton. Whoever chooses the stuff, one over our
:11:21. > :11:25.performers will step forward and talk about that subject T winner is
:11:25. > :11:30.whoever I think is the funniest. The first topic is childhood. Who wants
:11:30. > :11:35.to come in first? Josh. I grew up in a small village in Devon, which was
:11:35. > :11:38.as fun as it sounds. Very little happened. To give you an idea, the
:11:38. > :11:42.most exciting thing which happened in my village is when I was seven,
:11:42. > :11:47.for a brief period there was a bull in a field!
:11:47. > :11:53.I was terrified, this bull would walk past me. My dad would go, don't
:11:53. > :12:00.worry, he's more scared of you than you are of him. I used to think, no,
:12:00. > :12:05.he isn't mate. Bonfire night, there were warnings. We are going to get
:12:05. > :12:10.burnted with a sparkler or burnt with a firework. On Blue Peter they
:12:10. > :12:16.had the same warning - bonfire night is coming up, but if you do own a
:12:16. > :12:25.pet tortoise... They would go, if you own a pet tortoise and it is hib
:12:25. > :12:26.binnating, do be careful and don't accidentally throw that box on to
:12:26. > :12:33.the fire. I don't know how likely accidentally throw that box on to
:12:33. > :12:40.that is. I don't know anyone who owns a pet tortoise, and how unruly
:12:40. > :12:46.is your bonfire night. Go to the houses, get my boxes, don't look in
:12:46. > :12:54.them and throw them on the fire! I don't concare that the con-- -
:12:54. > :13:00.continue care that the contents is snoring. Where is Sheldon. The
:13:00. > :13:05.warning on sparklers should be, if you plan using one do be aware you
:13:05. > :13:12.will do the same three shapes you did every other year. Zigzags,
:13:12. > :13:17.circle circles... Go on then, I will write my own name. That happens
:13:17. > :13:21.every year. We would have the home firework displays. Most people were
:13:21. > :13:26.interested in health and safety. My dad didn't bother. We said we have
:13:26. > :13:33.six fireworks, the cat has nine lives. We will throw off fireworks
:13:33. > :13:37.towards the village. It would climax with a Catherine wheel nailed to a
:13:37. > :13:43.gate that failed to go off. We would go to him and said it is more scared
:13:43. > :13:51.of me than I am of it - it will be fine!
:13:51. > :14:03.Milton is left. Let's spin the wheel. The topic is travel. Strange
:14:03. > :14:08.things do happen. Once, I saw a little green man, and then he
:14:08. > :14:17.disappeared, and then I got run over. Kuala Lumpur, that was a
:14:17. > :14:21.disappointment. I always thought it was a bear crossed with an Oompa
:14:21. > :14:26.Loompa. Clingy, but quite hard-working.
:14:26. > :14:39.I was in France recently and saw a little old lady, and said the late
:14:39. > :14:44.to crochet avec moi. -- voluez-vous. She took it all the wrong way. With
:14:44. > :14:50.the financial situation, I did think Ireland will stay afloat. Cork,
:14:50. > :14:55.maybe. -- don't think. It takes 11 days to walk to Torquay holding the
:14:55. > :15:00.hand of a seven-year-old. That's what I thought. It was his birthday
:15:00. > :15:06.treat. What he actually wanted was a walkie-talkie. I am very English,
:15:06. > :15:09.really, I even ordered a book on the Internet. How to have absolutely
:15:09. > :15:11.nothing to do with your neighbours. Unfortunately I was out when it was
:15:11. > :15:27.delivered. Well done. Thank you very much,
:15:27. > :15:33.Milton. Come on back. The next round is called, if this is the answer,
:15:33. > :15:38.what is the question. On the board are six categories. Which category
:15:38. > :15:47.would you like? I will go for environment. And the answer is 95%.
:15:47. > :15:50.What is the question? Is it the percentage of Domino's Pizza left
:15:50. > :15:57.before I think, what am I doing with my life?
:15:57. > :16:03.If somebody tells me that Mark D'Arcy has been killed off for the
:16:03. > :16:16.next Bridget Jones book, what are the chances that I don't give a
:16:16. > :16:21.ship? -- a sheet. Is it express 19 twentieths as a fraction? How much
:16:21. > :16:29.ship? -- a sheet. Is it express 19 of Peter Crouch 's limbs? Is it what
:16:29. > :16:34.proportion of accidents is -- in hand grenades shocks caused by an
:16:34. > :16:41.assistant saying, can I have your pin, please? What percentage of
:16:41. > :16:50.Hawaii's income made by Milton buying shirts? Is it express 19
:16:50. > :16:59.twentieths as a percentage? Is it, buying shirts? Is it express 19
:16:59. > :17:03.if I send a text on the new iPhone, how much battery will it drain? Is
:17:03. > :17:07.if I send a text on the new iPhone, it how sure am I, Merry Christmas,
:17:07. > :17:20.that this answer will end up in the Christmas compilation? Is it express
:17:20. > :17:27.76 eightieths as a fraction? What are the chances that I am going to
:17:27. > :17:33.shove Miles's Abacus up his arts? Is it one of the answers that when
:17:33. > :17:38.Richard Dawkins will be turned away from heaven? Is it what rating does
:17:38. > :17:44.paradise currently have on Trip Advisor? Is it one neighbours
:17:44. > :17:57.talking to another neighbour over a big fence about the number in his
:17:57. > :18:02.garden? Possibly it can be a correct answer. Is it what are the chances
:18:02. > :18:09.that humans created chance -- climate change? That is absolutely
:18:09. > :18:17.right. Well done. Let's give you the example apps are -- the exact
:18:17. > :18:20.answer, according to a major UN report on climate change, how
:18:20. > :18:23.certain that mankind is to blame for global warning? It is the news that
:18:23. > :18:29.the intergovernmental panel on climate change has published a
:18:29. > :18:33.report concluding they are 95% certain that mankind has been the
:18:33. > :18:38.dominant cause of climate change. It's a disappointing statistic. When
:18:38. > :18:42.you see on a condom packet that these are 95% successful, you think,
:18:42. > :18:49.what happens if you make love a hundred times question what you
:18:49. > :18:57.think... In my case, somebody gives you a door -- knocks on your door
:18:57. > :19:04.and gives you a prize. Are you trying to say I am still in the 90s?
:19:04. > :19:11.It's merely gossip, I'm sure. Obviously... They say sea levels
:19:11. > :19:16.will rise, because that is difficult to check. They are constantly doing
:19:16. > :19:22.that. Yes, but the ground isn't, Josh. If you look at the edge of a
:19:22. > :19:27.harbour and think it gets wet and dry is, and then it gets wet
:19:27. > :19:33.again... Yes, but they go up and down. They can measure the highest
:19:33. > :19:40.bit and see if it is high in the next day. That is why you are a
:19:40. > :19:43.scientist. They are worried about sea levels rising. East Anglia, if
:19:43. > :19:47.it goes more than two metres, the whole thing will go over -- under
:19:48. > :19:52.the water. Currently they are complaining about wind turbines
:19:52. > :19:56.spoiling the view. You think, not as much as 2 billion gallons of sea
:19:56. > :19:59.water. They will be grateful for the wind turbines, because they are one
:19:59. > :20:05.of the few things above sea level they could cling on to. I'm on the
:20:06. > :20:15.wind turbine! I didn't think this plan through! What is the other 5%
:20:15. > :20:21.that might be to blame? There is still a 5% chance it is not us. It
:20:21. > :20:25.is not that animals have been starting out the CO2. Can we ask
:20:25. > :20:31.Miles what the chances are of it not being as a fraction? What would that
:20:31. > :20:39.be? You are looking at seven twentieths or something like that. I
:20:39. > :20:42.will be honest. I was quite surprised when you got to the end of
:20:42. > :20:46.the question and it was directed at me, and I might not have listened to
:20:46. > :20:51.some of the words involved in the sentence before my name came up, but
:20:51. > :20:55.I suddenly realise that. You are all talking on this show about, God
:20:55. > :21:02.knows what, and I look up and my dear colleagues expect me to join
:21:02. > :21:08.in. Have you put a bet on yourself to throw Mock The Week? What plans
:21:08. > :21:15.are there to counteract this? A cooling off period. Just tell
:21:16. > :21:21.everyone to calm down for a while? In my experience, these things sort
:21:21. > :21:27.themselves out. Have you seen the mirror in space? It will deflect
:21:27. > :21:34.sunlight. It is going to keep overheating, so you can deflected
:21:34. > :21:43.away. Will be double sided? You want to look at yourself in the space
:21:43. > :21:49.mirror? Good to go. OK. If you break the mirror, it's a billion years bad
:21:49. > :21:59.luck. Could be like a mirror ball, so if it spins in space, we could
:21:59. > :22:06.all dams. What did Tesco withdraw from sale recently? It was a doll of
:22:06. > :22:12.a gay best friend. There it is. It is not particularly realistic. It
:22:12. > :22:16.was a third party seller. But it was removed. The description of the
:22:16. > :22:18.product said it, if sex and the city and Will and Grace have taught us
:22:18. > :22:23.anything, it is that a gay best friend is in the season. It said it
:22:23. > :22:32.loved shopping, dancing and would tell you how big your bunnies. --
:22:32. > :22:38.how big your bum is. Dara has got a bag -- best friend everybody. Why
:22:39. > :22:42.can't I find a fellow? Shall we sit and watch a DVD together? How
:22:42. > :22:46.can't I find a fellow? Shall we sit offensive is it in any sense? I
:22:46. > :22:49.don't think the gay community will be worried. They will be less
:22:49. > :22:57.offended than a best friend, but that any gay person might dress that
:22:57. > :23:04.badly. What about that? Are those in right now? You need to look at the
:23:04. > :23:11.hair on the back of his head. His hairy ears particularly impressed
:23:11. > :23:18.me. These are people who do back, SAC, crack, but the
:23:18. > :23:26.while we draw attention to things that are not realistic about it, I
:23:26. > :23:35.think it's too small. Please don't use my head is a sense of scale.
:23:35. > :23:38.That can be confusing. At the moment the gay best friend thinks that Ray
:23:38. > :23:47.Winstone is going to give him some arms. Betty and play eczema drug --
:23:47. > :23:52.some odds. Bet in play. Did you manage to buy one before removed
:23:52. > :23:59.from sale? I bought one and they complain, -- and I complain so no
:23:59. > :24:09.one else could have won. I know, I know, I know. I'm such a bitch. If
:24:09. > :24:17.you had a UKIP supporter drowning, throw that out. This is Kevin. At
:24:17. > :24:26.the end of that round, the points go two miles, Josh, and Andy. -- Miles.
:24:26. > :24:31.Now we come to seems we'd like to see. If you can make your way over
:24:31. > :24:34.to the performance enter. Go over to the performance enter and we will
:24:34. > :24:39.see what you can come up with. -- this woman's centre. The first
:24:39. > :24:43.subject is, unlikely small ads. -- the performance Centre. Do you want
:24:43. > :24:51.a larger penis? Beach volleyball tonight on BBC One. For sale, 400
:24:51. > :25:00.jars of mayonnaise, would suit the sort of person not that fussed by
:25:00. > :25:01.best before dates. For sale, one pack of polos, unopened. Mint
:25:01. > :25:08.condition. Sperm donors wanted. Please come
:25:08. > :25:26.quickly. For sale, horse, would make
:25:26. > :25:35.excellent pet or pate. -- pate. Wanted, someone to kill my dad so I
:25:35. > :25:39.have an X Factor back story. Lost, boomerang. Last Thursday.
:25:39. > :25:54.Somewhere... It's coming back to me now. For sale, dwarf Jacuzzi. Could
:25:54. > :26:00.also be used as a foot spa. For vasectomies, like those suction and
:26:00. > :26:06.all small -- liposuction and all small cosmetic surgery is Caulfield,
:26:06. > :26:08.the overambitious tree surgeon. Cleaning lady, £8 per hour, or until
:26:08. > :26:26.Lady is clean. Wanted, spessing lissons. Do you
:26:26. > :26:29.want your hands -- house to smell nice and spice up your sex life, why
:26:29. > :26:43.not try Glade but plug-ins. Goodbye, dad, rest in peace, and if
:26:43. > :26:49.you hadn't gambled all away all of our marriage, this might have been
:26:49. > :26:56.in obituaries. -- all of our money. Wanted, new subject for scenes we
:26:56. > :27:02.would like to see. The next topic is... Unlikely things to hear on
:27:02. > :27:06.Crimewatch. The police have said it is OK for the public to approach the
:27:06. > :27:14.gunmen as he has sawn off the wrong end of the shotgun.
:27:14. > :27:17.Hopkins has committed various food hygiene offences and there is now a
:27:17. > :27:29.bounty on his head. And now a case of Grand Theft Auto
:27:29. > :27:37.V. Someone has sole in the case of my Grand Theft Auto V -- stolen the
:27:37. > :27:41.case. The victim was marched to the cashpoint and made to take out £300.
:27:41. > :27:48.That's the last time he forgets his wife's birthday.
:27:48. > :27:58.Good night, and remember, don't shave white bears. No, that's it. --
:27:58. > :28:03.knotted. We believe the occult to be involved in the crime. This is the
:28:03. > :28:18.victim 's phone, and the last number is 666. Hang on, it's upside down.
:28:18. > :28:27.Were you at... Oh, God, that's different. Were you in Wetherspoons?
:28:27. > :28:34.We'll do that one in again in a minute. A computer fraudster got
:28:34. > :28:36.away with 9 million nectar points. Police are looking for a
:28:36. > :28:43.disappointed man with one new wine glass.
:28:43. > :28:49.Well, that's all we've got time for on Crimewatch. We've talked about
:28:49. > :29:01.some serious things, but don't forget, don't have.... WAAAH!
:29:01. > :29:06.Sometimes victims of crime don't even know they have been robbed
:29:06. > :29:09.because they use the items taken so infrequently. Take Dara O'Briain.
:29:09. > :29:21.Burglars stole his legs six months ago. Were you at Yates's Wine Lodge?
:29:21. > :29:32.Unbelievable. Genuinely unbelievable. Were you at Yates's
:29:32. > :29:41.Wine Lodge? I can't believe it. I can't believe they've left me out.
:29:41. > :29:50.More on the post office robbery. They charge me for pound 50 to send
:29:50. > :29:53.a parcel second-class. -- £4.50. This afternoon £10,000 worth of
:29:53. > :29:59.cocaine was stolen. Come whoever took it but it back in my dressing
:29:59. > :30:06.room? I don't know who took it. No, I don't know.
:30:06. > :30:13.Well, we hope the reconstruction jog a few memories. If not, we have
:30:13. > :30:21.needlessly shot for more people. A round of applause please for Miles,
:30:21. > :30:26.Josh and Andy. And that is the end of the show. This week 's winners
:30:26. > :30:35.are Andy Parsons, Josh Widdicombe and miles Jupp. Commiserations to
:30:36. > :30:40.Sean Walsh, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones. Thanks for watching. I'm Dara
:30:40. > :30:41.O'Briain. Thanks for watching. Good night.