:00:07. > :00:29.This programme contains strong language.
:00:29. > :00:45.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the last of our
:00:45. > :00:49.current run of Mock The Week. Over the course of this series, we
:00:49. > :00:55.celebrated some truly momentous events. The birth of a future king,
:00:55. > :01:00.a British male winner at Wimbledon and Cheryl Cole's arse tattoo!
:01:00. > :01:05.Tonight we are looking back at some moments, showing you the usual
:01:06. > :01:10.outtakes and things you will not have seen before. It is the
:01:10. > :01:13.compilation clip show! Hoe you enjoy it.
:01:13. > :01:17.Now, we play a game called Picture of the Week. I show the panel an
:01:17. > :01:27.image and ask them to tell me what is happening. So, what is going on
:01:27. > :01:35.here? Is this a poster for the film Sheikhs on a Plane? ! I don't know
:01:35. > :01:42.what it is but he thinks he will sit here as the other two windows have
:01:43. > :01:48.not got curtains! To me it looks like an Islamic fundamentalist fruit
:01:48. > :01:54.machine! You are going to get three beers! Brilliant.
:01:54. > :02:01.Someone is thinking two more stickers and I will have completed
:02:01. > :02:09.my panini world terrorist run. Is this the new Al-Qaeda edition of
:02:09. > :02:15.Guess Who? Does he have a beard? No. Is the new design for the new Red
:02:15. > :02:23.Stripe can? It looks like someone has painted the stripe while it has
:02:23. > :02:26.taken off! No! Is he doing the joke we where he is pretending to walk
:02:26. > :02:39.taken off! No! Is he doing the joke down the stairs? Is it, " You chose
:02:39. > :02:48.Blind Date number two." Is it a really easy game of Where's Abu? Is
:02:48. > :02:55.he saying after flying easyJet, the West is not as decadent as he
:02:56. > :03:00.thought? It is Alan Qatada! Yes. A lovely name, isn't it, I'm not
:03:00. > :03:06.trying to big him up but Abu Qatada. I think it sounds like he is a
:03:06. > :03:09.magician who works on a cruise ship, is that Abu Qa-Ta-Da! !
:03:09. > :03:11.magician who works on a cruise ship, is that Abu Qa-Ta-Da! The first
:03:11. > :03:18.three years, I thought they were trying to get rid of him but the
:03:18. > :03:30.first three, they just said Abu Qatada! I presumed it is the fact
:03:30. > :03:37.that the furious West said Abu Qatada! Him saying, no, I do not
:03:37. > :03:42.want coconuts or a banana. Stop saying have a banana. Why is he in
:03:42. > :03:48.the news? When they tried to deport him, Fred Perry had just won
:03:48. > :03:58.Wimbledon! The real killer, he was deported at 2.46.00am. He does not
:03:58. > :04:03.that Andy Murray has won. To him it is still without a win... And he had
:04:04. > :04:08.been here 20 years and they are getting rid of him just as the sun
:04:08. > :04:20.has come out. I have never seen anyone so desperate no to go back to
:04:20. > :04:24.Jordan since Peter Andre! I wanted it to be like a rom-com and Theresa
:04:24. > :04:30.May change her mind at the last minute and run to the airport! She
:04:30. > :04:43.would be bashing on the window. No! There he is! I was never leaving!
:04:43. > :04:47.What is this? He was made to look foolish? This was homosexual Holland
:04:47. > :04:52.Holland. A picture that was later banned.
:04:52. > :04:56.Yes, it was banned. I thought all men looked like that.
:04:56. > :05:00.I think he is having the prostate checked.
:05:00. > :05:05.Where was he? He accidentally put his arse in a footspa.
:05:05. > :05:10.It is difficult. Some of the mood that he is trying to strike. It is
:05:10. > :05:19.like he has been dying for a wee, now he is at the swimming pool... .
:05:19. > :05:25.Is he in a school? Why? It was the Return to School Week. He is in
:05:25. > :05:28.trouble. There is 75% tax. Lots of people moving out of France. David
:05:28. > :05:34.Cameron has invited them to come to Britain to pay tax in this country
:05:34. > :05:42.at 45%. An interesting one for the Daily Mail: Foners coming over here,
:05:42. > :05:46.paying our taxes... -- those foreigners, coming here, paying our
:05:46. > :05:56.taxes... He is obviously sitting at a French lesson, yet that is the
:05:56. > :06:01.universal dopey face. It is a Papua New Guinea huntsman you could show
:06:01. > :06:05.this to, and they would think someone bought the fishing spear to
:06:05. > :06:11.the boar hunt. They have a couple like that in the village.
:06:11. > :06:17.Doesn't he look like one of the Men In Black? When one of the aliens has
:06:17. > :06:21.disappeared up his arse? He reminds me of the producers of Mock The Week
:06:21. > :06:30.when you suggest you may want to do a joke about Rolf Harris! That is
:06:30. > :06:38.the face he pulls! Who could be soon missing on the back of a five pound
:06:38. > :06:44.note? Is it the Queen? Depending on how you turn the note. Who is on the
:06:44. > :06:50.other side of the note to the Queen? It is someone called Elizabeth Fry.
:06:50. > :06:59.Who is I, think, Stephen's mother, or the person who invented Turkish
:06:59. > :07:03.Delight. Churchill has been on it. -- Churchill is going on it. There
:07:03. > :07:09.is controversy, he could be knocking off this lady called Fry.
:07:09. > :07:14.is controversy, he could be knocking If you fold the note a certain way
:07:14. > :07:18.they could start doing it! This is the proposed five pound note.
:07:18. > :07:24.Critics are saying that there would be no women on the notes. I think
:07:24. > :07:29.that they should have a feminist icon on it. Not least as it mean it
:07:29. > :07:33.is would be uncomfortable for men to go to strip joints.
:07:33. > :07:39.I like the idea of them putting Emily Pankhurst in a woman's
:07:39. > :07:45.G-string. I am not a huge expert but if you are putting fivers into a G
:07:45. > :07:51.string, you are at the most low-rent strip joint. You are looking at the
:07:51. > :08:01.long view, one of these. £5 for you. I have change! How much do I get for
:08:01. > :08:06.£4. 20? They need a woman on the £5. If they put one on the next one up,
:08:06. > :08:11.she would become known as the Tena Lady! If you were the governor of
:08:12. > :08:16.the Bank of England, it was your choice who goes on the notes,
:08:16. > :08:24.wouldn't you have more fun? A fiver, that is me in Menorca! That is me
:08:24. > :08:29.and Kofi Annan. A £20, naked lady, how did that get in there? ! This is
:08:29. > :08:37.an ongoing debate. For the fiver, how did that get in there? ! This is
:08:37. > :08:42.the plan was to have this... Then the value of the rises steadily for
:08:42. > :08:49.the tenner, obviously we have this... And for £20, now that works.
:08:49. > :08:55.That shockingly does. I think so.
:08:55. > :09:04.There is no way, I have to keep that.
:09:04. > :09:11.Put that back in your pocket! This is the 50 euro note which was the
:09:11. > :09:24.original... You look like Gorbachev with that face! And in other news,
:09:24. > :09:28.why men may avoid taking a dip in the river seen in -- in the River
:09:28. > :09:35.Seine in Paris. There is a scary fish in the River
:09:35. > :09:41.Seine biting people's testicles. This is a fish called the pacu fish.
:09:41. > :09:46.Apparently you can swim along and it nibbles your goolies.
:09:46. > :09:51.They are not confirmed reports. It is probably to be filed alongside
:09:51. > :09:56.that fish that swims up your Willy in the Amazon? That is true.
:09:56. > :10:02.That is not true. It does, it swims up the wee. It is
:10:02. > :10:09.in the Amazon it is in Pru. It can swim up. It swims up when you go for
:10:09. > :10:16.a wee. People say it is terrible, you went for a wee, it went up the
:10:16. > :10:19.urethra, but if think of it from the fish's point of view, it was
:10:19. > :10:30.swimming in the greatest swimming pool in the world and you wee and it
:10:30. > :10:35.swims up your cock. This meant is nibble your testicles. This is a
:10:35. > :10:40.worry, but the story pre-disposes if you swim in a northern European
:10:40. > :10:45.river at the beginning of September, end of October, you are going to
:10:45. > :10:51.have any visible testicles. That is true. It will be starved in
:10:51. > :10:57.the winter otherwise. It is a tragedy for those of us not
:10:57. > :11:02.capable of enjoying a holiday without luring one's testicles. The
:11:02. > :11:10.cooling Liffey. That is why you are not allowed to
:11:10. > :11:19.go to the trefy fnt anymore! My favourite, it was technically
:11:19. > :11:25.vegetarian. It wants nuts! And for an image of a Frenchman having his
:11:25. > :11:29.testicles nibbled, we have been supplied with this... Do you know
:11:29. > :11:40.where it is in the river? It is a fish! Our next round is called
:11:40. > :11:42.Newsreel. We play a piece of footage featuring people in the news and ask
:11:42. > :11:48.you to suggest what may be being featuring people in the news and ask
:11:48. > :11:50.said. This clip is the Queen and Prince Philip visiting a caravan
:11:50. > :11:57.factory. This is the caravan. How lovely, I
:11:57. > :12:04.will just take a look. Oh, bloody hell! I hate bloody caravans. I hope
:12:04. > :12:09.you're not doing what I think you are doing. There are hundreds of
:12:09. > :12:16.tiny men in there with you. We are Australianing on a Royal caravan. It
:12:16. > :12:19.will have a satellite dish, a Jacuzzi, a Breville sandwich
:12:19. > :12:32.toaster. Look at this shit. Would you like to
:12:32. > :12:41.see the equipment for you? Yes, what is that? Well, that is a tap, mam.
:12:41. > :12:46.So, this is the caravan. How lovely. Very spacious. Is there a lavatory
:12:46. > :12:51.in the factory? Stand still for a minute it is sloshing around.
:12:51. > :12:59.Oh, hurry up, Philip. You have been in there ages! Sorry, it is all of
:12:59. > :13:05.the coffee. I would not go in there, Liz, it has not been plumed in.
:13:05. > :13:12.There is not even any gin here. God, this is depressing. Bloody Royal
:13:12. > :13:19.caravan! Stop being such a stick in the mud, Philip. Let's go along the
:13:19. > :13:27.M 1 and irritate the tits off Jeremy Clarkson! Mind the steps, we don't
:13:27. > :13:37.want to keep Charles waiting. And what is Francis' position there?
:13:37. > :13:46.Doggy style! I have been there. Next topic! Cos that is that topic
:13:46. > :13:52.settled! In other news... What has Cheryl Cole spent a reported 50
:13:52. > :13:56.hours doing? She had a new tattoo done over her back it is over the
:13:56. > :14:02.bum as well. There we go. Now she doesn't look bad, does she.
:14:02. > :14:07.It looks good having four roses tattooed on the arse. In ten years
:14:07. > :14:16.time, that will look like Kew Garden, isn't it? Everyone is
:14:16. > :14:21.hacking on there. They get into the regional stereotype, she is from
:14:21. > :14:25.Newcastle, she is a Geordie. So there is a good chance that once or
:14:26. > :14:34.twice a week she take as shit outside, right? It is what they do!
:14:34. > :14:42.So she can squat in the rose garden... Twist one off, Bob's your
:14:42. > :14:46.uncle! Well done, Cheryl! Apparently it took 50 hours to get it down. You
:14:46. > :14:52.are thinking, well, while she is having the tattoo done, she was not
:14:52. > :15:00.making or releasing music, so it is not all bad news, you know? She does
:15:00. > :15:06.sex, when she does it the naughty way, is it called botany? The real
:15:07. > :15:14.worry is that she is stalked by Alan Titchmarsh with an aphid spray. If
:15:14. > :15:19.you have the entire arse done as a u, having something practical, like
:15:19. > :15:27.a pair of shorts. When it is hot, you think, down we go, nobody will
:15:27. > :15:30.notice! Exactly. If I were going out with Cheryl Cole I would get picks
:15:30. > :15:39.of secateurs tattooed on me penis. with Cheryl Cole I would get picks
:15:39. > :15:46.Like you are pruning a bush... You would not use a condom, you would
:15:46. > :15:53.use Fisons Gro-bag! OK, that's the end of that round and the points go
:15:53. > :16:00.to Rob, thank you very much. You could get a watering can
:16:00. > :16:07.tattooed all over here... How cool would that be? OK. Speaking of
:16:08. > :16:14.people in Wimbledon, why did a BBC commentator have to apologise? This
:16:14. > :16:20.was outrageous, ononon, when Marion Bartoli wag going to see her father.
:16:20. > :16:28.Onononsaid, " I wonder if she was little, if her dad said you would
:16:28. > :16:34.never ablooker." ! From ononon! What about the dream man, the body of
:16:34. > :16:45.ononon, the head of onononand the attitude of women, of ononon.
:16:45. > :16:52.I have a -- am a heterosexual man. He has lovely eyes. He has the ice
:16:52. > :16:56.cold eyes of a killer and he looks like a shaved husky.
:16:56. > :17:02.Do you think his father said, you know what, you are white,
:17:02. > :17:06.middle-class, male, you can coast through life being mediocre! He
:17:06. > :17:13.apologised by sending her a letter. That is adding insult to injury.
:17:13. > :17:18.The moment at which he did, there is Marion there, the moment he did it,
:17:18. > :17:22.it is the bit she is climbing the steps, the bit to hug her dad. The
:17:22. > :17:26.it is the bit she is climbing the moment you broadcast what a lovely
:17:26. > :17:36.seen this is. It was at that point... That he gave her the
:17:36. > :17:42.letter? No! He popped up between the rees, here is the letter. -- he
:17:42. > :17:46.popped up between the trees, here is a letter. Don't mind me.
:17:46. > :17:51.It is ridiculous to make fun of someone because of the way that they
:17:51. > :18:00.look, when you can make fun of them because they are French! And in
:18:00. > :18:08.other news, who is now earning £300,000 a week? Is it you, Dara?
:18:08. > :18:15.No, it is not. I think it could be Gareth Bale.
:18:15. > :18:20.I think I is a that story. It did appear in one or two of the
:18:20. > :18:25.newspapers. I cannot get enough of it. Can we go
:18:25. > :18:30.back to talking about Cheryl Cole's arse.
:18:30. > :18:35.Now, dwelling on the issue. Looking at the photograph of Gareth Bale, is
:18:35. > :18:39.it sensible to buy a footballer, who is that big, relative to the
:18:39. > :18:46.Stadium? I love. This Ed, you must enjoy this, Ed, seen
:18:46. > :18:51.it? Yes, I have seen it there. That's his thing.
:18:51. > :18:59.He has put a trademark on this. You are not allowed to do this. Read it
:18:59. > :19:03.and weep, Gareth! John Terry has one.
:19:03. > :19:09.Mesut Ozil! He does this for his long-term girlfriend, Emma, when he
:19:09. > :19:15.he scores a goal. It is Cheryl Cole's arse! They spent £85 million.
:19:15. > :19:18.They should have bought Wales and found him there. It would have been
:19:18. > :19:23.half the price. The name of the guy that scouted him
:19:23. > :19:31.for Southampton, you know what? Gareth Bale was scouted by a man
:19:31. > :19:38.called Gareth Hale. It is weird. You are right, that was not funny.
:19:38. > :19:44.Thanks for the heads up. Moving on, what is up with this sad
:19:44. > :19:48.fellow... I saw this photo it reminded me of a conversation I had
:19:49. > :19:54.with Dara before he went into make-up... That is... Thank you. Why
:19:54. > :20:04.does the comedy on television have to be so hurtful? Come on, Dara.
:20:04. > :20:12.Give us the smile. I'm not doing it! Dara you have
:20:12. > :20:15.something coming out of your lip there. Sorry, that was the picture.
:20:15. > :20:21.Sorry, are we only doing this round there. Sorry, that was the picture.
:20:21. > :20:26.so you can do a lingering comparison with me and a blob fish.
:20:26. > :20:29.That looks like William Hague getting close to the Fukushima
:20:29. > :20:36.plant. I think is what most people on
:20:36. > :20:42.match.com actually look like. Has the fat sneezed itself inside
:20:42. > :20:53.out? Does anyone have news on this Is it one of Jordan's implants? Can
:20:53. > :20:59.I say I cannot do an impression of David Cameron. I don't think that
:20:59. > :21:10.anyone can. Dara he is not feeling well, so they said you need to get
:21:10. > :21:25.cover. So if you can come in and do that, it would be great. That was a
:21:25. > :21:33.savage Ed Byrne impression there! I believe they are at the G20.
:21:33. > :21:37.Of course. Thank you very much. Very good, Andy Parsons.
:21:37. > :21:51.This is a picture of Vladimir Putin and David Cameron at the recent G20
:21:51. > :21:56.summit when Russia, excuse me... Maybe Alistair should do it.
:21:56. > :22:01.The gathering was said to be frosty after clashing with Syria, for
:22:01. > :22:06.fuck's sake! Is there a reason you are licking your hand? I don't want
:22:06. > :22:10.people to see I write down your names before introducing you.
:22:10. > :22:15.We are 500 metres to go. The word record is on. The pacemaker drops
:22:15. > :22:23.out, let's hope his heart does not stop without it. I fucked that up!
:22:23. > :22:30.I'm going back over here! So, what is going on with Boris Johnson?
:22:30. > :22:41.Anyone? He... Ed, give other people a go first! Yab, yab,a, with the...
:22:41. > :22:48.Sorry. So, anyone know why Boris Johnson is in the news? Ask Andy,
:22:48. > :22:56.why don't you! Sport. OK. The category is sport.
:22:56. > :23:00.Sorry, shall we do that again. . I hit the knee.
:23:00. > :23:05.Somebody says that the category is sport, you have a spasm.
:23:05. > :23:23.It does not matter, by Thursday he may be going to Havana. I did not
:23:23. > :23:36.even touch the fucking button! OK... Excuse me. Yes, I did burp! OK the
:23:36. > :23:40.next topic ises -- is... That bastard.
:23:40. > :23:43.Can someone say Brian Blessed without shouting.
:23:43. > :23:52.I got this one. Who is joining forces with Brian
:23:52. > :23:57.May? Brian Blessed? Moving on. What other world leader was made to look
:23:57. > :24:02.foolish this week? I am asking this to the camera. That is weird. Hey
:24:02. > :24:06.you, at home, what other world leaders were made to look foolish
:24:06. > :24:12.this week? Moving on, what other world leader was made to look
:24:12. > :24:20.foolish this week? Anyone? Anyone? No-one at all? You people disgust
:24:20. > :24:24.me! The only thing... I have messed that one up. I will go on to the
:24:24. > :24:38.last line. Milton's won.
:24:38. > :24:41.Now we play a round, a round, a round? I am caught between the
:24:41. > :24:49.lines. You? ! Some pints for Hugh? ! Sorry.
:24:49. > :24:54.Apologies. Do you need to have someone coming
:24:54. > :25:11.in from behind? That was not helpful! OK the next topic is... Is
:25:11. > :25:23.so on this sport, Abu Qa-Ta-Da! Once turned down television work.
:25:23. > :25:25.-- that Dara turned down television work.
:25:26. > :25:30.You have no idea of the choices I have to make.
:25:30. > :25:37.After the apple fell on his head. Isaac Newton came up with the idea
:25:37. > :25:49.to change the world forever. Public injury compensation! 8,000 men, only
:25:49. > :25:56.one cubicle. The scene was set for the Battle of Portaloo! Could Hitler
:25:56. > :25:59.have been Jack the Ripper? No. Good night.
:25:59. > :26:08.A history of cricket and match-fixing. The rise and the fall
:26:08. > :26:15.of annum pyre. Genghis Khan waged wars, killing
:26:15. > :26:21.millions of people, fathered thousands of children - lad! Why
:26:21. > :26:28.they wanted to invade him, he did not know, but as the merse summit
:26:28. > :26:45.was above Dara that summer morning he knee it was time. This was the
:26:45. > :26:50.Battle of Dara O'Brien. Everyone remembers where they were when JFK
:26:50. > :26:55.died. Part from JFK. He had been shot in the head. The
:26:55. > :27:00.Austro-Hungarian, definitely the toughest venue I have done stand-up
:27:00. > :27:12.in. Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced,
:27:12. > :27:17.beheaded, killed in a car crash... Welcome back to Time Team. This man
:27:17. > :27:32.was clearly bluj on the to death, because the fucker called me
:27:32. > :27:36.Baldrick! Next up... Unlikely things for Andy Murray to think.
:27:36. > :27:46.I know it is championship point. I could really do with a pooh. Well at
:27:46. > :27:55.least wh now I've won Wimbledon, they will stop making fun of me on
:27:55. > :28:04.television. Oi, look what I have just won! I wonder if my mum is
:28:04. > :28:16.watching today? Of course she is. She's always watching! The break of
:28:16. > :28:26.serve, I could break his fucking legs.
:28:26. > :28:35.I remember when I used to train... What is that? He's in the room! So
:28:35. > :28:42.I remember when I used to train... So, I remember when I used to train
:28:42. > :28:47.in Scotland, I was a lot more unhealthy. I used to Serb with a
:28:47. > :29:04.potato instead of a ball so I could have lots of chips afterwards.
:29:04. > :29:20.I wonder if Kim really likes tennis? I wish Kim would shut up, oh, Ed
:29:20. > :29:27.Byrne is so funny! When are theena going to make a poster of me
:29:27. > :29:31.scratching my arse! Why do u spend my life trying to hit the fuszy
:29:31. > :29:57.green apple with a snow show... God, it is great having an enormous
:29:57. > :30:15.penis! I think I just saw Ivan Lendl raise his eyebrow. That means he's
:30:15. > :30:18.just ejaculated! Venus has the arse, Serena has the tits!