:00:47. > :00:50.Hello, and welcome to mock mock. I'm Dara O'Briain dare. Joining me
:00:50. > :01:00.this week are Andy Murray, Ed, Ava and Andy and Ed Miliband, Chris
:01:00. > :01:01.
:01:01. > :01:06.Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones. We'll start tonight with a
:01:06. > :01:14.line called Headliners. Here's a picture of Labour's two Eds, but
:01:14. > :01:20.what do LLIS stand for? Is it "Labour's lead is slipping"? --
:01:20. > :01:26.Labour leader is shit? No newspaper has run with that as a head line.
:01:26. > :01:32.Is it that they're being photographed in the Welsh town of
:01:32. > :01:37.Llis? Is Ed Balls saying, "Look, look, I silly?" Ed Miliband's voice
:01:37. > :01:42.finally has been explained - lump lodged in sinus?
:01:42. > :01:51.Miliband is looking at Balls, and he's thinking, "Let's live in sin."
:01:51. > :01:57.APPLAUSE They talk about what Ed Balls did,
:01:57. > :01:59.and he just "Let loose invisible sphere". Is he looking a bit
:01:59. > :02:09.surprised, and is that because "lubricated love egg is slipping"?
:02:09. > :02:13.
:02:13. > :02:21.LAUGHTER No. No. "Labour like it sexy?"
:02:21. > :02:26.it what Dara is thinking, ""Lord, let it stop"? Can we move towards
:02:26. > :02:33.the correct answer? Is it. It's "Lindsay Lohan is shit-faced".
:02:33. > :02:37.No, really. Is Ed Balls saying to a woman journalist, "Look, love, I'm
:02:37. > :02:44.speaking?" Is he saying what the Labour Party are thinking, "Lose
:02:44. > :02:48.leader, invite sibling"? Ah.A proper bit of politics.
:02:48. > :02:54.Alternatively, is it "lubricated love egg"? The first L stands for
:02:54. > :02:57.Labour, unsurprisingly. Does the second one stand for Liberace?
:02:57. > :03:04.LAUGHTER "Labour's lead is slipping"? Yes,
:03:04. > :03:08.it is. Very, very good, thank you very much, Andy Parsons. Yes, the
:03:08. > :03:13.answer I was looking for was "Labour's lead is slipping". This
:03:13. > :03:15.is the news a new opinion poll has shown a slump in Labour's lead to
:03:15. > :03:20.just five points over the Conservatives. The YouGov poll
:03:20. > :03:23.shows Labour on 38% and the Tories on 33%. The smallest Labour lead
:03:23. > :03:27.since November last year. Miliband's approval rating is now
:03:27. > :03:30.so low it's almost as low as it is within his own family. That's -
:03:30. > :03:33.LAUGHTER That is how bad it is. So much of
:03:33. > :03:36.Labour's problem is down to Miliband's own sort of image, and I
:03:36. > :03:40.feel so sorry for the man. I think he's rubbish, but I feel so sorry
:03:40. > :03:45.for him because I've never heard anybody have to justify their own
:03:45. > :03:49.position as a human more - whenever he's interviewed, "I'm a normal
:03:49. > :03:54.guy" - he shouldn't have to say that. "I'm a normal guy from my
:03:54. > :04:02.head right down to my ornately feathered vagina. I'm a normal,
:04:02. > :04:04.normal guy!" I think Labour are doing badly because there are fewer
:04:04. > :04:06.young people. What's the saying? When you're oung, you're a
:04:06. > :04:10.socialist. When you're middle aged, you're a Conservative. And when
:04:10. > :04:15.you're dead, you're Green? LAUGHTER
:04:15. > :04:17.I was going to do a gig for Labour, and I got booed. Jesus, I'm a black
:04:17. > :04:23.woman living in this country, and liek there's any other viable
:04:23. > :04:26.option. What am I supposed to do, go and do a gig for UKIP and as an
:04:26. > :04:30.encore deport myself? No choice. APPLAUSE
:04:30. > :04:35.I honestly would like to see that gig. That's what I call ending with
:04:35. > :04:38.showbiz flair. Labour popularity has been halved as has the Lib Dem
:04:38. > :04:42.popularity. They're down to 11%. But I still think people are
:04:42. > :04:45.missing a trick. If any pollster asked people - anybody should say
:04:45. > :04:49.they're going to vote Lib Dem at the next general election, then
:04:49. > :04:51.nobody should vote but then when Nick Clegg goes, but you promised
:04:51. > :04:59.us," we can all go, "Yeah, now you know how we feel".
:04:59. > :05:04.APPLAUSE How did Eric Pickles upstage George
:05:04. > :05:08.Osborne in the last week? He it a him.
:05:08. > :05:13.LAUGHTER He ate a burger, didn't he?
:05:13. > :05:16.didn't. Osborne ate a burger. I have a picture here that George
:05:16. > :05:20.Osborne tweeted during the week of him preparing a speech and a lot of
:05:20. > :05:23.people picked up on what he had in front of him which is a burger and
:05:23. > :05:28.chips. Did anybody pick up on the fact he was imitating having a
:05:28. > :05:33.knife and fork in his hand, didn't know what to do. This led to one of
:05:33. > :05:39.the stupidest - people said, what burger was it? It turns out it was
:05:39. > :05:42.from a restaurant called Byron Burgers whose burgers are �6...
:05:42. > :05:44.dinner. And this led to a story, "Sham burger" on the front page of
:05:44. > :05:49.the Sun because there wasn't, presumably, like a 99p burger. And
:05:49. > :05:53.then Eric Pickles, who we every week slag off - or use as kind of
:05:53. > :05:57.the go-to joke for being overweight, then Tweeted this picture of
:05:57. > :06:02.himself at a table with a salad and carrot sticks in front of him.
:06:03. > :06:06.you pull back, you'll see that salad is in fact the garnish to a
:06:06. > :06:09.four-foot burger. He's not touched the salad. He's just eaten the
:06:09. > :06:15.person opposite him. LAUGHTER
:06:15. > :06:21.If Eric Pickles has a burger with pickles in it, in it, do you think
:06:21. > :06:27.he goes, this is cannibalism? if he eats pickles while standing
:06:27. > :06:32.in the Gherkin - which Tory MP hasn't made the best use of Twitter
:06:32. > :06:33.this week? Andrew Selous.Yes, what did he Tweet this week? He said
:06:33. > :06:37.immigrants should "lean English". He did.
:06:37. > :06:45.LAUGHTER He is an 'ucking 'unt.
:06:45. > :06:48.LAUGHTER In other news, why have a group of
:06:48. > :06:52.pensioners in a field been making headlines? Rolling Stones.Of
:06:52. > :06:55.course, yes. Fantastic, wasn't it? I was there. It was great. Which
:06:55. > :06:58.one were you? On guitar - LAUGHTER
:06:58. > :07:06.On guitars, we had the Pirate King. We had the walking advert for Just
:07:06. > :07:10.For Men. On drums, we had a resurrected corpse and then on
:07:10. > :07:14.vocals we had a cross between Michael Caine and a demented pigeon.
:07:14. > :07:19.It was - it was spectacular. LAUGHTER
:07:19. > :07:22.The thing about the Rolling Stones is they're so stick thin. They
:07:22. > :07:25.still look like drainpipe trousers skinny. If one of them - one of
:07:25. > :07:29.them had just gotten fat it would have been hilarious. They're all
:07:29. > :07:33.like rock stars and one of them is going with the - (MIMES SMOKING)
:07:33. > :07:35.what? Were we supposed to keep this up? Come on. That's a little -
:07:36. > :07:40.sitting in the corner with a pie, going, "Ah, 50 years I've been
:07:40. > :07:44.trying to fit into these jeans - like, whatever". Keith Richards
:07:44. > :07:45.still has - he has to wear that bandanna now because it's the only
:07:45. > :07:55.thing holding his face still together, isn't it?
:07:55. > :07:56.
:07:56. > :08:03.LAUGHTER A sound of fear from the audience.
:08:03. > :08:09.He looks like something from the Dark Crystal - "Ooom". Keith
:08:09. > :08:14.Richards was made from a Jim Henson creature factory. His ears turn
:08:14. > :08:19.around - he's like the BFG with slightly, slightly larger ears.
:08:19. > :08:21.should see the size of his Snozzcumber. I watched it from home,
:08:21. > :08:24.but to get the authentic Glastonbury experience, I watched
:08:24. > :08:29.the TV in the living room from the bottom of the garden.
:08:29. > :08:32.LAUGHTER All of this stuff about the Rolling
:08:32. > :08:37.Stones being really old, but they're not as old as Bruce Forsyth,
:08:37. > :08:42.are they? The first time he went to Glastonbury, he met King Arthur.
:08:42. > :08:46.was able to try out his new catchphrase, "Help, the nurses are
:08:46. > :08:51.stealing my clothes." LAUGHTER
:08:52. > :08:54.The nurses are clean -- stealing my clothes, help!
:08:54. > :08:56.LAUGHTER Does anybody else think that Mick
:08:56. > :09:00.Jagger's neck looks a bit like a big, veiny cock?
:09:00. > :09:07.LAUGHTER They do look like there's been a
:09:07. > :09:15.fire at Madeleine McCann. -- Madame Tussauds. At the end of that round,
:09:15. > :09:20.the points go to Ed, Ava and Andy. Now, we play a round called a "A
:09:20. > :09:24.Rolling Stone Gathers No Mocks". This game involves Milton, aiva and
:09:24. > :09:28.Chris, so if you could make your way to the performance area please.
:09:28. > :09:30.This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News, and
:09:30. > :09:33.wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward
:09:33. > :09:35.and talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is
:09:35. > :09:40.funniest. Here we go. Let's spin the wheel. The first subject is
:09:40. > :09:44.parenting. Who wants to come into that? Ed, Ava and Andy.
:09:44. > :09:47.I'm a parent, and no-one ever actually prepares you properly for
:09:47. > :09:55.being a parent. They give you some books about what's going to happen
:09:55. > :09:59.to your body, how the baby is going to grow. When I found out in my
:09:59. > :10:02.friends are going to have a child, the only book I give them is "We
:10:02. > :10:06.Need to Talk About Kevin". I'm not going to lie for you, it hasn't
:10:06. > :10:12.really worked out for me. I can kind of tell how old people's kids
:10:12. > :10:15.are by the enthusiasm in their answer. If they go, "Yeah, I've got
:10:15. > :10:17.kids" you can tell they're still quite young. They haven't had time
:10:17. > :10:21.for the hate to kick in. LAUGHTER
:10:21. > :10:25.Having a daughter and having a son, I have actually worked out why you
:10:25. > :10:29.men are so messed up. And what it is, right - is because my son, he
:10:29. > :10:33.talks quite a lot. He rabbits on a lot. And the other day he was
:10:34. > :10:37.going: "Mum. Mum, mum...ner, ner, ner." And I just went, "Shut up or
:10:37. > :10:43.else I'll knock you out." And he turned around to me and he went,
:10:43. > :10:49."Mum, I'd like to see you try." So I tried - I had to see if the joke
:10:49. > :10:52.would work. And I realised because my son, he's the same height as me
:10:52. > :10:55.now, he plays county level rugby. He's actually stronger than me, and
:10:55. > :10:59.I realised, gosh, I actually can't physically hurt this boy. So I sat
:10:59. > :11:05.there and I thought about it, and it was at that point I realised,
:11:05. > :11:14."Oh, my God. I'm going to have to mess him up psychologically." And
:11:14. > :11:18.that is what we do. Thank you very much Ava. The next
:11:18. > :11:22.subject, please. Let's spin the wheel. The next subject is science.
:11:22. > :11:26.Who wants to come in on that? Chris Addison.
:11:26. > :11:29.I tell you the problem with science. Right. The problem with science is
:11:29. > :11:33.it refuses to speak the language of those of us who don't understand
:11:33. > :11:40.science, right, even when it's the job of science to be talking to us
:11:40. > :11:43.numpties. It can't bring itself to speak as we do. Pick up a packet of
:11:43. > :11:47.paracetamol - right - look at the instructions on the back of that.
:11:47. > :11:50.It says: 'For the treatment of neuralgia fibrositis, muscular'" -
:11:50. > :11:53.whatever. We don't talk like that. If that talked anything like us
:11:53. > :11:57.that would say, "For the treatment of the worst headache I've ever had
:11:57. > :12:02.in my life, a pain in my side which I'm sure actually is cancer this
:12:02. > :12:12.time." The wife had to help me out of the car. It's coming out of both
:12:12. > :12:15.
:12:15. > :12:19.ends - like someone's hit a pain au chocolat with a mallet. That is how
:12:19. > :12:22.we talk, right, but it doesn't. It doesn't. We can't tell what is
:12:22. > :12:25.actually science and what is some hokey nonsense dressed up as
:12:25. > :12:28.science to, you know, to entice us in. That's why cosmetic companies,
:12:28. > :12:33.whenever they bring out a new thickness of goop, right, they give
:12:33. > :12:42.it a sciency name. So we'll be all dazzled. Nivea DNAge. Oh, F off!
:12:42. > :12:51.Avon's cream, AVON'S new cream is called Anew Genics. With a? What's
:12:51. > :12:56.Anew Genics? That's been through marketing. That's been focus groups,
:12:56. > :12:58.design. Did nobody at any point go, Anew Genics - you don't think that
:12:58. > :13:07.sounds a bit Third Reichy, maybe? What next, new Pro-genocide, now
:13:07. > :13:10.with Anti-semitox? "Sandra, can I borrow your ethnic cleanser?"
:13:10. > :13:14.Well done, Chris Addison. And, that leaves us with Milton. Let's see
:13:14. > :13:24.what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel. And the topic is
:13:24. > :13:29.The USA. So I've just come back from America, apparently.
:13:29. > :13:31.LAUGHTER When I was there I saw one of those
:13:31. > :13:33.very, very, very, very large Americans. He said he fitted
:13:33. > :13:39.kitchens. I said, "I bet you don't."
:13:39. > :13:42.LAUGHTER I went up to this girl and I said
:13:42. > :13:48."What's your name?" And she said, "Chantelle". Well, if you're not
:13:48. > :13:51.going to tell me your name! LAUGHTER
:13:51. > :13:54.I said, "What do you do for a living?" She said - (AMERICAN
:13:55. > :13:57.ACCENT)- "Don't go there. Don't go there. Don't go there." I said, "I
:13:57. > :14:00.hope you're not a travel agent." LAUGHTER
:14:00. > :14:04.When I was in America I bought tickets for The Bears versus the
:14:04. > :14:14.Cowboys - bit of a disappointment. I wanted to see bears versus
:14:14. > :14:15.
:14:15. > :14:21.cowboys! So then I bought tickets for The Giants versus the Jets -
:14:21. > :14:24.another missed opportunity. (MAKES JET SOUND, THEN BEAR SOUND).
:14:24. > :14:30.Then I bought tickets for the Packers versus the Dolphins.
:14:30. > :14:35.(AMERICAN ACCENT) Get in the box, get in the box!
:14:36. > :14:45.(MIMES KICKING AND MAKES DOLPHIN NOISE). Thank you very much. Come
:14:46. > :14:49.
:14:49. > :14:55.The next round is called, If This Is The Answer, what's the Question?
:14:55. > :14:59.Which category would you like? news, please. The answer is "43
:15:00. > :15:06.Years" - what is the question? long does take it to repay a �10
:15:06. > :15:07.loan from Wonga.com? Is it, what's the life expectancy of someone who
:15:08. > :15:13.works at Greggs? LAUGHTER
:15:13. > :15:18.Is it what is the average Silverstone lap time for a Formula
:15:18. > :15:24.One star on Pirelli tyres? Is it how long is too long to be out for
:15:24. > :15:28.if you say, "I'm just popping down to the shops for a minute?" Is it,
:15:28. > :15:36.how old is the earth if Michelle Obama really is the First Lady?
:15:36. > :15:41.LAUGHTER Is it how old did Dara O'Briain
:15:41. > :15:46.look when he was 25? No, no, you laughed first. You can't pretend
:15:46. > :15:49.sympathy when you laughed first. it in fact how long have my parents
:15:49. > :15:57.regretted using pulling out as a contraceptive method?
:15:57. > :16:00.APPLAUSE How long will Julian Assange be
:16:00. > :16:05.living in an embassy before he finally goes, do you know what? I
:16:05. > :16:09.should have just gone to jail! it, if Ed Miliband remains leader,
:16:09. > :16:17.how long will it take before Labour get back into power? What is the
:16:17. > :16:22.mill of - MILF age of consent? APPLAUSE
:16:22. > :16:26.OK. If you put in a ready meal 43 years ago, how long has it been
:16:26. > :16:30.ready for? LAUGHTER
:16:30. > :16:34.The correct answer, please. Can I have the correct... Is that not the
:16:34. > :16:39.correct answer? No, it's not the correct answer. None of you have
:16:39. > :16:45.even attempted to do the correct answer. It's in how many years will
:16:45. > :16:47.Brazil be ready to host the 2014 Olympics? Genuine... Proper answer,
:16:47. > :16:53.how long can Gerard Depardieu balance a spoon on his nose?
:16:53. > :16:59.LAUGHTER Could I have anything that even
:16:59. > :17:03.vaguely resembles a topical news story? OK. Is it how many years'
:17:03. > :17:08.worth of shale gas are they claiming there is now under the
:17:08. > :17:11.British Isles? Absolutely right, Chris Addison. Well done!
:17:11. > :17:16.Yes, the question I was looking for is: For how long could newly
:17:16. > :17:19.discovered shale gas reserves power the UK? This is the news that
:17:19. > :17:22.latest Government estimates suggest there is enough shale gas under the
:17:22. > :17:25.norht-west of England to supply the UK for over four decades. The huge
:17:25. > :17:27.reserve which is considered to be much higher than previously thought
:17:27. > :17:37.has the potential to replace the country's ageing coal, oil and
:17:37. > :17:38.
:17:38. > :17:43.nuclear power stations. For what cost? The north of England. I have
:17:43. > :17:47.moved out. It's all fine. It's not risk free, is it? Mr Could fall
:17:47. > :17:49.into the sea, and there's risks as well, aren't there? So -
:17:49. > :17:53.LAUGHTER Blackpool has been mentioned as one
:17:53. > :17:58.of the places where both there is a significant reserve underneath -
:17:58. > :18:05.and they know it's Blackpool because you dig down through the
:18:06. > :18:15.rock, it says "Blackpool" all the way down. Thank you very much.
:18:16. > :18:17.
:18:17. > :18:20.you seen the footage of people in the States Oh, in the US - methane
:18:20. > :18:29.contaminating water supplies - this, for example, happened to one
:18:29. > :18:34.woman's tap in Pennsylvania. Just like that. Now, let me just say
:18:34. > :18:36.this - we're not promising that that'll happen to you because that
:18:36. > :18:40.is kind of cool. LAUGHTER
:18:40. > :18:43.Why was she - who is trying to light their water? I think she was
:18:43. > :18:47.merely doing that for a demonstration rather than she'd
:18:47. > :18:51.been doing this for years, and suddenly this was working. I knew
:18:51. > :18:56.it! I knew this would work someday. I think it's quite useful because
:18:56. > :19:01.the amount of people that smoke or even can't find their lighter -
:19:01. > :19:05.just go to the tap. It's in the south of England as well - there's
:19:05. > :19:10.a huge band of this shale rock that lies underneath Yorkshire and
:19:10. > :19:13.Lancashire but also London. Pore bore says he would welcome it under
:19:13. > :19:18.London to fuel London. That's because he knows there isn't any
:19:18. > :19:23.under London. He can say it. they start drilling, they can go,
:19:23. > :19:26.there weren't any gas, but we found these trains with these screaming
:19:26. > :19:32.people inside. Maybe they can power something. What giant are we
:19:32. > :19:36.employing to do that? "I found these trains! Ah-ha, ha, ha!"
:19:36. > :19:40.brilliant. We found energy in England just as Scotland are
:19:40. > :19:45.thinking of voting for independence. We go, oh, thanks for all of your
:19:45. > :19:49.energy that we've shared. Now, you know, on your way - if they do do
:19:49. > :19:51.fracking all the way across the Penines, Scotland may well have to
:19:51. > :19:59.go for independence as it drifts off into the north sea.
:19:59. > :20:03.APPLAUSE What you have to remember is that
:20:03. > :20:05.what happens down a collapsed mine shaft stays down a collapsed mine
:20:05. > :20:11.shaft. APPLAUSE
:20:11. > :20:16.In other news, who has been spied on this week? Europe. Spied on
:20:16. > :20:23.Europe - it - put a bug - it all sounded very high-tech until they
:20:23. > :20:27.mentioned they'd put a bug in the faxman machine. Are they still
:20:27. > :20:30.using those? The only message you're going to get on a fax
:20:30. > :20:33.machine is "Hello. Is there anybody else out there who still has a fax
:20:33. > :20:39.machine"... "Hello. I'm trapped in a fax machine factory. Could you
:20:39. > :20:42.please send help" - the only contact I can make is by - vrr. It
:20:42. > :20:46.is. It's apparently spying on the EU. You can understand the EU -
:20:46. > :20:50.it's causing some tension because the EU are going, OK. You're spying
:20:50. > :20:58.on Russia. We get that. But, like, dude, like, come on. We're on your
:20:58. > :21:02.side, for Christ's... Bad manners spying on friends,
:21:02. > :21:05.isn't it? It's like when you invite somebody to come over and spend the
:21:05. > :21:09.night in the spare bedroom and you put a webcam in there. It's not
:21:09. > :21:13.right, is it? Obviously, we've all done it! But it's not right. I've
:21:13. > :21:18.not enjoyed watching those tapes. They went from bugging the Italian
:21:18. > :21:22.embassy - you think, what is the point of that? Nothing is going to
:21:22. > :21:25.embarrass the Italians! Their ex- Prime Minister had "bunga bunga"
:21:25. > :21:32.parties in his own home and he was the one who was telling everybody
:21:32. > :21:33.about them. They probably just found the camera - "A camera! Bunga
:21:33. > :21:39.bunga!" LAUGHTER
:21:39. > :21:42.Could it also be that - spying on the European Union must be the most
:21:42. > :21:45.disappointing assignment for any spy or secret agent, isn't it?
:21:45. > :21:54.""007, Your mission is to find the agricultural production figures for
:21:54. > :22:00.the year 2015 - just remember, NOTHING depends on it"!
:22:00. > :22:05.LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
:22:05. > :22:10.What's been happening this week to our favourite whistle-blower Edward
:22:10. > :22:15.Snowden? Nothing has happened to him. He's still in Moscow Airport.
:22:15. > :22:22.He's pissed. He's in duty free with a bottle of liquor going, "Why did
:22:22. > :22:25.I do it?" No, and where's turned him down? Everywhere has turned him
:22:25. > :22:31.down. Everywhere.In gratitude for him revealing to us that the
:22:31. > :22:36.Americans have been spying on us, we've gone, anyway, it's not our
:22:36. > :22:40.problem. He sent asylum requests out to 21 different countries. It's
:22:40. > :22:47.looking a bit desperate. It's beginning to look like an episode
:22:47. > :22:52.of Take Me Out. Let's let the traitor fret and wait-er. There is
:22:52. > :22:57.one person in the world you would think has some sympathy for him,
:22:57. > :23:03.and he has no sympathy for him, which is Julian Assange. If he
:23:03. > :23:08.rings him and goes "Oh, my God. It's wrecking my head. I am in the
:23:08. > :23:14.airport," and he's in his one room in an embassy going, "Airport - I
:23:14. > :23:19.dream of an airport!" At the end of that round, the points go to Chris
:23:19. > :23:23.and Milton. Now we come to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone
:23:23. > :23:27.could make their way over to the performance area. I'll read out
:23:27. > :23:33.this week's topics, then we'll see what the panellists can come up
:23:33. > :23:39.with. Here we go. The first subject is: Lines you wouldn't hear in a
:23:39. > :23:46.sci-fi movie. Captain's log, star date 21 - it's a Tuesday.
:23:46. > :23:50.LAUGHTER Actually, Jeremy Kyle has just got
:23:50. > :24:00.the DNA results back, and apparently, Luke, I'm not your
:24:00. > :24:04.
:24:04. > :24:10.father. Commander SkyWalker, bad news, we left R2 D2 outside, and
:24:10. > :24:19.the council took him away for emptying. I have seen things you
:24:19. > :24:21.wouldn't believe. I've seen attack ships on fire off Orion. There is a
:24:21. > :24:27.giant satsuma in front of the ship. Go to orange alert.
:24:27. > :24:31.APPLAUSE First, there was Snakes on the
:24:31. > :24:37.Plane. Now the British remake: Wasp in a Car!
:24:37. > :24:46.APPLAUSE You can't win. If you strike me
:24:46. > :24:52.down now, I shall become more powerful - get off, you prick!
:24:52. > :24:54.What is it, captain! I've never seen anything like it in my life!
:24:54. > :24:59.Of course not, Scottie! It's the sun.
:24:59. > :25:07.APPLAUSE Since you have got your laser gun
:25:07. > :25:09.trained on me, I've got a bit of stubble and hair just here - here.
:25:09. > :25:17.LAUGHTER Permission to beam down to the
:25:17. > :25:27.forbidden planet. No. APPLAUSE
:25:27. > :25:29.
:25:29. > :25:39.I can see dead people. That's because I'm watching UK TV Gold.
:25:39. > :25:44.
:25:44. > :25:48.Here are the sci-fi football results - R2D-2, C3P- 0. Look at
:25:48. > :25:58.all of those fading, dwindling stars forced to eat bugs in the
:25:58. > :25:58.
:25:58. > :26:00.jungle. If you leave our protection, you'll almost definitely die.
:26:00. > :26:09.Scottie, do you still want independence?
:26:09. > :26:15.LAUGHTER Luke, I am your father. Go to your
:26:15. > :26:21.room. LAUGHTER
:26:21. > :26:31.Captain, I don't like it when you call me Spock-face.
:26:31. > :26:31.
:26:31. > :26:39.LAUGHTER To boldly go where no man has gone
:26:39. > :26:49.before - Ann Widdecombe. LAUGHTER
:26:49. > :26:55.
:26:56. > :26:59.How many Klingons does take it to change a dylithion crystal?
:26:59. > :27:07.next subject is unlikely personal ads. I could be the man of your
:27:07. > :27:17.dreams - if you dream of a man who exposes himself to people on trains.
:27:17. > :27:23.I'm a cat person. I sleep all day, and I bury my poo in the garden.
:27:23. > :27:30.For sex with no strings attached, don't shag a puppet.
:27:30. > :27:35.APPLAUSE Katie Price seeks new husband,
:27:35. > :27:38.position, temporary, usual terms and conditions apply.
:27:38. > :27:40.APPLAUSE Looking for love in all the wrong
:27:40. > :27:50.places? Well, you wanted to be a priest!
:27:50. > :27:50.
:27:50. > :28:00.APPLAUSE Ugly, fat bloke looking for a
:28:00. > :28:00.
:28:01. > :28:03.supermodel with a sense of humour. Man prone to violent mood swings
:28:03. > :28:10.seeks woman to - go screw yourself! I love you!
:28:10. > :28:20.APPLAUSE Me male, 22, 33, 52 - one of them's
:28:20. > :28:21.
:28:21. > :28:31.my age. Are you feeling lucky, punk? -- female. Agriphobic seeks
:28:31. > :28:33.
:28:33. > :28:39.claustrophobic for doorstep encounters. Oh!I am Ponus of the
:28:39. > :28:46.planet Chestoclon 8. I seek a female to take my seed, make better
:28:46. > :28:55.world for both of our planets - Dave from Croydon. Stick man seeks
:28:55. > :29:00.depressed old lady so we can have some really shit times together.
:29:00. > :29:09.Gorgeous, 5'11" black woman, amazing body, great rack - I just
:29:09. > :29:17.thought I'd put it out there. George Clooney look-alike who's
:29:17. > :29:24.looking for a woman with visual impairment. Do you like swinging?
:29:24. > :29:32.Meet me down by the swings. looking for a dominant woman. Tell
:29:32. > :29:38.me to call you. APPLAUSE
:29:38. > :29:44.Do you like dogs? Good! Because I'm small, hairy and hung like a border
:29:44. > :29:51.terrier. LAUGHTER
:29:51. > :29:53.Sophisticated erudite man with great taste seeks woman with
:29:53. > :30:00.massive knocks. LAUGHTER
:30:00. > :30:03.Man with massive cock seeks woman with large hen to discuss poultry
:30:03. > :30:13.farming. APPLAUSE
:30:13. > :30:13.
:30:13. > :30:23.At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Ava and Andy. And
:30:23. > :30:25.