:00:44. > :00:50.Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me are
:00:50. > :00:57.Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Chris Ramsey, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis
:00:57. > :00:59.and Rob Beckett. We start with a round called If This Is The answer,
:00:59. > :01:06.What Is The Question? On the board are six categories. Which category
:01:06. > :01:14.would you like? Politics.The answer is 9%. What is the question?
:01:14. > :01:19.Percentage of British people without sunburn? Yes. Is it the percentage
:01:19. > :01:26.of British men who bought for their wife Fifty Shades Of Grey then tied
:01:26. > :01:33.them to the bed and pissed off down the pub? Rounding it up, what per
:01:33. > :01:41.cent of Jesus's disciples turned out to be a wrong' un? What percentage
:01:41. > :01:46.of people at a Michael Buble concert aren't using TENA Lady? What
:01:46. > :01:54.percentage of EDL members can spell EDL? What point would I start
:01:54. > :02:01.running around the room going, "Have you got a charger?" Is it for how
:02:01. > :02:11.much of history has Bruce Forsyth been alive? As a relatively
:02:11. > :02:11.
:02:11. > :02:15.successful stand-up comedian, how much tax should I be paying? Is it
:02:15. > :02:20.the perSan Taj of Tulisa's phone book that she didn't have to delete
:02:20. > :02:24.in custody. Percentage of Tulisa's phone book that she didn't have to
:02:25. > :02:33.delete in custody? What are Edward Snowden's chances of making 40? I'm
:02:33. > :02:39.not going to kill him! You sure you weren't initiated? Unless this is a
:02:39. > :02:46.sleeper cell? You offered me 100 quid backstage to kill Edward
:02:46. > :02:50.Snowden. You are a Geordie, you would do anything for 100 quid!
:02:50. > :03:00.proportion of the UK electorate thinks UKIP is a sleeping tablet?
:03:00. > :03:06.
:03:06. > :03:13.OK. I need to - I say these a lot. What gradient of hill... LAUGHTER
:03:13. > :03:18.Makes Chris Froome go, "That's a piece of!" How many Glastonbury
:03:18. > :03:23.Festival goers are still chilling out in front of the Pyramid Stage?
:03:23. > :03:27.How much of the show will be over by the time you get the correct answer?
:03:27. > :03:37.What percentage of this panel will be alive when Dave shows the final
:03:37. > :03:37.
:03:38. > :03:47.repeat of this episode? APPLAUSE What percentage of people can't
:03:48. > :03:49.
:03:49. > :03:54.believe it's not butter. Yeah. genuinely what percentage of Dale
:03:54. > :04:02.Winton's skin has not been replaced by World of Leather? Can we have a
:04:02. > :04:08.proper answer for once? Is this the MPs' pay rise? Absolutely right.
:04:08. > :04:13.Thank you very much, Ed Byrne. APPLAUSE Yes, the question I was
:04:14. > :04:19.looking for by how much should MPs' salaries rise according to the
:04:19. > :04:24.Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority, IPSA? They have proposed
:04:24. > :04:29.a rise in my opinions' pay to �74,000 a year an increase of 9%.
:04:30. > :04:34.Should they get the pay rise? No. Why? Because it is easy for me
:04:34. > :04:39.to score points with the audience by saying no! Eight grand is hardly
:04:39. > :04:43.enough to put a secret love child through private school. In football
:04:43. > :04:47.you have to stop other countries nicking your best players. It is not
:04:48. > :04:54.other governments are trying to nick our politicians, is it? Cameron has
:04:54. > :04:59.said, "I have said no to Spain, they can't have Gove!" People all think
:04:59. > :05:05.that all MPs are money-grabbing bastards. They are not all
:05:05. > :05:08.money-grabbing! LAUGHTER Ed Miliband has said that he's going to stop any
:05:08. > :05:13.Labour MPs having a second job by the next election. Of course, by
:05:13. > :05:20.then, a lot of them won't have a first job, will they? They get 15
:05:20. > :05:29.quid a day food allowance for lunch? They do. That is three Subway
:05:29. > :05:37.sandwiches. That is 36 inch of sandwich. George Osborne could take
:05:37. > :05:42.36 inches! I don't think the vote is exclusively for Subway. That is what
:05:42. > :05:52.I have been told! Only redeemable at the Parliament Subway. The queue is
:05:52. > :05:53.
:05:54. > :05:58.really long! LAUGHTER It is travel stuff. They are not going to be
:05:58. > :06:04.allowed to use taxis. Where are Tory MPs going to get their ideas if they
:06:04. > :06:09.can't take taxis? David Cameron is like a taxi driver. I'm surprised he
:06:09. > :06:14.doesn't go, "I tell you what your country's problem is, immigration!"
:06:14. > :06:18.It is always a posh business role, because I used to work in a market
:06:18. > :06:28.and a pub and my Dad used to be a carpet fitter and on the dole.
:06:28. > :06:30.LAUGHTER What U-turn has the Government made this week? It is on
:06:30. > :06:36.cigarette packaging. They were planning to say cigarettes would
:06:36. > :06:42.have to come in plain white packets. In Canada, they have the photographs
:06:42. > :06:47.on the packet as well, but they also have in the French prove Inces in
:06:47. > :06:54.Quebec, they have it in English and in French. I bought a packet of
:06:54. > :07:01.cigarettes and on one side it said "Cigarettes can cause cancer" and on
:07:01. > :07:08.the other side it said, "Le cigarette cause le cancer". The
:07:08. > :07:15.French people said, "There is no le, they are not talking to us." Just
:07:15. > :07:19.make one cigarette in every packet explosive! How about that? Or
:07:19. > :07:26.genetically modify cigarettes so as you smoke them, they go, "I'm
:07:26. > :07:32.shrinking!" LAUGHTER It is like the Government's Drinkaware campaign.
:07:32. > :07:36.Who doesn't Drinkaware? Who has four pints of Stella, starts dribbling,
:07:36. > :07:46.punching themselves in the face, this has come as a complete shock to
:07:46. > :07:48.
:07:48. > :07:56.me? What is Michael Gove being encouraged to do? Lock off! Chris,
:07:56. > :08:06.he only asked the question, it is his job! On health matters, what has
:08:06. > :08:09.
:08:09. > :08:15.Michael Gove been encouraged to do? Piss off! If you keep asking, we can
:08:15. > :08:19.get the swearing down, and by the end it is shove off you Nancy!
:08:19. > :08:24.only it was the last show in the series. When are we playing
:08:24. > :08:29.Kerplunk? The difference... Ask the question. You have asked it three
:08:29. > :08:39.times. Answer it yourself! You have the answers. What is the point of us
:08:39. > :08:44.
:08:44. > :08:50.being here? This will be quick. OK. What else in other health news? What
:08:50. > :08:53.initiative is coming into schools? School meals should be banned. 1% of
:08:53. > :08:58.them meet the nutritional requirements that school dinners are
:08:58. > :09:04.supposed to have. Yes.That's the facts. I don't have a joke. Yeah.
:09:04. > :09:12.Only 1%? I don't like the story. I don't want to think about Michael
:09:13. > :09:17.Gove's lunchbox! LAUGHTERI don't want to think about it! I presume
:09:17. > :09:22.people - what are people putting into it? Not the kind of stuff -
:09:22. > :09:25.this seems to be an unfair story. They are saying packed bunches are
:09:26. > :09:29.unhealthy compared to school lunches. I only ever had packed
:09:29. > :09:37.lunches. I had brown bread sandwiches, two cubes of jelly.
:09:37. > :09:43.What? Yeah.Jelly that wasn't made? My mum didn't like giving us
:09:43. > :09:48.chocolate or sweets... She used to cut up... She used to cut up a jelly
:09:48. > :09:54.and give me two bits of it. It was really nice. For the rest of the
:09:54. > :10:03.day, I was always slightly worried that it might turn into jelly!
:10:03. > :10:09.LAUGHTER If you drank a glass of water... There would be a
:10:09. > :10:16.cube-shaped jelly there. You had brown bread sandwiches? Like two
:10:16. > :10:21.slices of brown bread with a slice of brown bread in the middle?
:10:21. > :10:25.can packed lunches have only 1% of the nutritional requirement of a
:10:25. > :10:35.school dinner? Is it like a large sandwich and a sugar cube? Some of
:10:35. > :10:35.
:10:35. > :10:40.the kids must be so stupid they are eating the plastic box! LAUGHTER
:10:40. > :10:43.Parents do have control. Every time they try and solve this problem, the
:10:43. > :10:47.parents get in the way. When Jamie Oliver tried it, he tried to get rid
:10:47. > :10:52.of Turkey Twizzlers. Mums at the school gate passing packets of chips
:10:52. > :11:02.through to the children. If you want to solve this problem, just make the
:11:02. > :11:09.
:11:09. > :11:13.railings thinner so they can't shove things through! You said Turkey
:11:13. > :11:21.Twizzlers. I thought you said when they tried to get rid of Turkish
:11:21. > :11:27.prisoners. Why are they feeding children in schools? One of them is
:11:27. > :11:32.called Sandra? That is the clue as to the likelihood that I didn't say
:11:32. > :11:37.that. I know. That makes more sense. They are suggesting teachers should
:11:37. > :11:41.eat with the kids. The thing is, a lot of teachers do eat with the
:11:41. > :11:50.kids, although it is usually in the form of a romantic meal, isn't it?
:11:50. > :12:00.LAUGHTER Merry Christmas!At the end of that round, the points go to
:12:00. > :12:01.
:12:01. > :12:10.Chris, Ed and Andy. Now, we play a round called graduating from
:12:10. > :12:16.Mocksford University. This involves Rob Beckett and Chris Ramsey. This
:12:16. > :12:19.is a stand-up challenge. Where I stop the wheel, one of our
:12:19. > :12:26.performers have to talk about that subject. Let's spin the wheel.
:12:26. > :12:30.Travel. Who wants to come in on that? Chris? I don't know what's
:12:30. > :12:36.happening, it is all different on the telly. I take public transport
:12:36. > :12:40.quite a lot doing this job. I'm not a fan, I don't like being in public
:12:40. > :12:46.walking around, I don't get normal things in public when I'm walking
:12:46. > :12:51.along, I don't get, "Excuse me, Sir, what time is it?" I get, "Do you
:12:51. > :12:55.like leaves?" LAUGHTERI could write a book on it! As a northerner,
:12:55. > :13:01.people said to me before I came to London to do work and stuff, people
:13:01. > :13:05.said the Tube, the Tube is awful, no-one talks. Good! It's brilliant.
:13:05. > :13:09.I don't want nutters on public transport telling us what they have
:13:09. > :13:17.had for their breakfast. If you have never been on the Tube, come to
:13:17. > :13:21.London. No-one literally - silence. Someone could burst into flames on
:13:21. > :13:31.the Tube and all you get is one man looking up from a Kindle going,
:13:31. > :13:33.
:13:34. > :13:43."Prick!" Even the person who was in flames would be going, "Can I just
:13:44. > :13:45.
:13:45. > :13:55.squeeze past, I'm soRry. My Oyster Card is melting." Well done. OK.
:13:55. > :13:56.
:13:56. > :14:01.That leaves us with Rob. The topic is class. You are stuck with it.
:14:01. > :14:11.working-class. If you are not sure, there is a test you can do. You
:14:11. > :14:17.normally are working-class if your television is than your book case. A
:14:18. > :14:22.big 50 inch plasma and a Billy book case next to it. DVDs on it. My
:14:22. > :14:32.girlfriend is very middle-class. She used to be upper-class but we are
:14:32. > :14:33.
:14:33. > :14:43.together now! Her sister has got a boyfriend, right, called Rupert. As
:14:43. > :14:48.in the name! LAUGHTERI'm not having a go, it is a decent name, I just
:14:48. > :14:53.never thought I would meet one. I went to the pub with him, do you
:14:53. > :14:57.want another... What's happened to me? The thing is when they go round
:14:57. > :15:01.her house - in my house, you would have dinner on your lap watching
:15:01. > :15:05.You've Been Framed. It is what we used to do. You sit in a
:15:05. > :15:08.conservatory, have wine and I started to think this is how you
:15:08. > :15:13.should do dinner. After ten minutes I realised I haven't got an opinion
:15:13. > :15:17.and I would like to see a dog fall in a puddle. Well done. Well done
:15:17. > :15:22.the both of you. A point to both of you. Come on back, well done. Lovely
:15:22. > :15:28.stuff. Come on. Well done, Chris and Rob.
:15:28. > :15:31.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, we play a game called Picture of the Week. I
:15:31. > :15:38.show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what is
:15:38. > :15:44.happening. Teams, what is going on here? Is it from the Daily Mail and
:15:44. > :15:49.it's Romanian asylum-seekers swim to Britain? Is it thousands queue to
:15:49. > :15:56.use Brighton's only jet-ski? Is it scenes from the first-ever live
:15:56. > :16:06.Where's Wally? Is it bollocks? I thought I was the only one who had
:16:06. > :16:10.
:16:10. > :16:16.this idea! That bloke at the front going, "Dave, Dave!" Is it the whole
:16:16. > :16:23.town of Brighton taking part in a fire drill? Is it Arabian railway
:16:23. > :16:31.station floats into Brighton? - this is the queue for tickets for
:16:31. > :16:37.my new tour? Well done, very good! Is it entire country embarrassed to
:16:37. > :16:44.have thrown a sicky at once? It is an extract from Dara O Briain's
:16:44. > :16:50.Bunga Bunga Workout DVD? It is amazing to watch. We still don't
:16:50. > :16:58.know what it is! Is it shock as UK newspapers use same photo five years
:16:58. > :17:04.in a row to let illiterate people it was hot yesterday? Is it from the
:17:04. > :17:14.Wildlife documentary When Sharks Can't Be Arsed? Is the beach busy
:17:14. > :17:15.
:17:15. > :17:18.because it is nice and hot? Brighton Beach, it is one of the many resorts
:17:18. > :17:27.heaving with sun seekers, temperatures in parts of the country
:17:27. > :17:32.have trumped those in the Mediterranean. Amazing.It is
:17:32. > :17:39.amazing. How has it caused chaos? Transport chaos. I was at Waterloo
:17:39. > :17:46.trying to get home. It was boiling, it was baking hot. The guard said,
:17:46. > :17:49."All the trains are delayed because the tracks are warped." I said, "Why
:17:50. > :17:55.is that a problem? "South East Trains have become South West
:17:55. > :18:04.Trains!" The M25 melted as well. transport system has been designed
:18:04. > :18:09.by Dali. Why is it a problem if the M25 melts? You spread it out with a
:18:09. > :18:16.nice big knife and you have another lane! Fill the gritters with
:18:16. > :18:19.suncream! That will be alright. Factor 50 will be alright. It did
:18:19. > :18:29.say road menders were dispatched immediately to repair it. What did
:18:29. > :18:36.they do? LAUGHTER It only melted because it's a soft southern road!
:18:36. > :18:43.That is all it is. The A19 has pissed itself, it has been drinking
:18:43. > :18:49.for three days, it's sunburnt and still hanging in there. The sales of
:18:49. > :18:57.doggy sunscreen are up. Dogs just like the shade, right? No dog has
:18:57. > :19:02.ever gone, "Oh, I'm just going to lie here toasting my internal
:19:02. > :19:07.organs. I can take ten more minutes." It will be difficult for a
:19:07. > :19:14.dog to hold that reflecting thing under their cheeks. They use the
:19:14. > :19:17.funnels. Is that what they are?Yes. Brilliant. APPLAUSE You don't need
:19:17. > :19:21.sunscreen for pets because pets have fur and it keeps them warm in the
:19:21. > :19:27.winter and cool in the summer. If you put sunscreen on, it is putting
:19:27. > :19:35.hair gel on them! They are trying to keep cool, not go on the pull!
:19:35. > :19:40.do you know about hair gel? This is me going out for the night. I'm
:19:40. > :19:45.ready to roll! My favourite thing about when it is hot is when I check
:19:46. > :19:55.my gas meter and it's been on 40 quid. To be fair, it is on 40 quid
:19:55. > :20:02.because my uncle sorted it! Probably not the thing you want to admit on
:20:02. > :20:07.national television. There's been a 204% increase in barbecue sales and
:20:07. > :20:15.a 176% increase in charcoal sales which means that 28% of people
:20:15. > :20:25.forgot to buy charcoal. Nine million sausages sold by Tescos this week.
:20:25. > :20:26.
:20:26. > :20:29.That's four pigs! And three horses! Many horses died. Everyone gets
:20:29. > :20:34.angry in the summer, there is more "road rage". People want to get out
:20:34. > :20:42.and fight. In the winter, no-one will get out. It's minus three, see
:20:42. > :20:46.you in the spring! I rarely cut people up, but I hate it if I'm in
:20:46. > :20:52.the taxi and the taxi cuts somebody up.st person that gets cut up always
:20:52. > :20:58.looks like you, the passenger, like you are the one at fault. Like you
:20:58. > :21:02.ordered the taxi driver to get you where you want to go. Any time a
:21:02. > :21:12.taxi driver cuts somebody up, I'm rammed up against the window doing
:21:12. > :21:16.
:21:16. > :21:22.this. Why might we be hearing more of this sound? BELL Because it's the
:21:22. > :21:29.summer? Have they been allowed to play their chimes longer? The chime
:21:29. > :21:34.law was passed. We are not talking about gay marriage, just the chime
:21:34. > :21:38.laws, where ice-cream men can play for 12 seconds rather than four
:21:38. > :21:43.seconds. They need more time to get to the ice-cream because of
:21:43. > :21:49.childhood obesity. APPLAUSE There was a real problem with ice-cream
:21:49. > :21:52.vans. It is interesting. It's all based on a national consultation
:21:52. > :22:00.they had about the future of ice-cream vans. You know how many
:22:00. > :22:10.responses they got to the national consultation? 99. Tell me it was 99!
:22:10. > :22:10.
:22:10. > :22:16.No. At the moment of the recording, what is the nation gearing up to?
:22:16. > :22:20.Pancake Day? No. The Royal baby. David Beckham was asked as to what
:22:20. > :22:29.he thought the kid should be called and he said he thought it should be
:22:29. > :22:39.called David but only if it was a boy! When is David Beckham got so
:22:39. > :22:43.
:22:43. > :22:52.sensible about names? Brooklyn, Harper, Cruz. It has to be something
:22:52. > :23:02.that goes with Princess or Queen. So Latifah? Or of the South. S?Greatest
:23:02. > :23:05.
:23:05. > :23:11.Hits. What name they give the baby should depend on what they take as a
:23:11. > :23:14.surname? If they are going to go with Windsor, it's Barbara. If it is
:23:14. > :23:22.a boy, Legoland. If they are going with Cambridge, either way, Travel
:23:22. > :23:32.Lodge. Prince Charles is going to become a grandfather before he's got
:23:32. > :23:34.
:23:34. > :23:38.his first job. I mean, that is a tragedy. And he lives on an estate!
:23:38. > :23:42.Is that how you discipline a royal baby? You have been naughty, you are
:23:42. > :23:46.grounded. Which are in Buckingham Palace, quality! The only bit I'm
:23:46. > :23:56.looking forward to is the bit where they announce the baby, when Prince
:23:56. > :24:02.
:24:02. > :24:08.William goes, "Hey, hey, ho, ho." Just a bunch of giraffe ts on the
:24:08. > :24:13.balcony. At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Ed and Andy.
:24:13. > :24:17.Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone can make their
:24:17. > :24:22.way over to the performance area? I will read out this week's topics and
:24:22. > :24:28.we will see what our panels can come up with. The first subject is
:24:28. > :24:38.questions omitted from this year's exams. Using pi distract the fat kid
:24:38. > :24:39.
:24:39. > :24:49.next to you so you can copy his answers. Using only the English
:24:49. > :24:51.
:24:51. > :25:00.language write something. History - Henry IV, Henry Rom 5, Henry VII,
:25:00. > :25:04.which was the greatest Hoover the caretaker ever had? Maths, Robert
:25:04. > :25:12.has 400 stamps, he liked to put them in 12 different albums. He wants to
:25:12. > :25:21.have them equally in each album. How many friends does Robert have?
:25:21. > :25:30.you know the way to San Jose? Religious studies. If two men have
:25:30. > :25:34.been married for ten years, for how long will they burn in hell for?
:25:34. > :25:44.the fluid has been flowing at 21 litres a minute for 15 minutes, what
:25:44. > :25:50.is wrong with my bladder? Fill your name at the top of the exam paper.
:25:50. > :25:59.If it is Tyler, or Charmaine, get up, leave the school and never come
:25:59. > :26:03.back. Using only the maths of the ass and the angle of the dangle,
:26:03. > :26:08.calculate the measure of the pleasure. If a man travels 12 miles
:26:08. > :26:18.each day to buy a loaf of bread, how long before he realises that living
:26:18. > :26:19.
:26:19. > :26:29.in the countryside is shit? multiple choice exams too easy? (A)
:26:29. > :26:31.
:26:31. > :26:37.yes. Opticians final exam. What do you think of the main causes of
:26:37. > :26:47.short-sightedness. And now how about now? And now? What about now? And
:26:47. > :26:48.
:26:48. > :26:58.now? Media Studies, trick question one. Name a business like
:26:58. > :27:01.
:27:01. > :27:09.showbusiness. Geography. What is to blame for climate change? (A) the
:27:09. > :27:17.sunlight? (B) the moon shine? (C) the good times? Or (d) the boogie?
:27:17. > :27:27.OK. The next topic is things a weather forecaster would never say.
:27:27. > :27:30.
:27:30. > :27:33.# The sun will come out tomorrow. # And these are the worst floods since
:27:33. > :27:43.records began, which was last year when all the records were destroyed
:27:43. > :27:47.
:27:47. > :27:55.in that flood. This is a map, I'm not a giant. It is going to be a bit
:27:55. > :27:59.blowy today. It is my birthday and me wife promised me one! Later on,
:27:59. > :28:09.it will be raining cats and dogs because a bomb has gone off in
:28:09. > :28:09.
:28:09. > :28:19.Battersea! Well, it was cloudy earlier. I think I may have a urine
:28:19. > :28:23.
:28:23. > :28:29.infection. It is well hot, isn't it? It was a frosty start for some of us
:28:30. > :28:37.this morning. I came in pissed again and accidentally got in bed with me
:28:37. > :28:42.mother-in-law. Well, you will be glad to know scientists have
:28:42. > :28:50.explained why we have been enduring this long spell of disappointing
:28:50. > :28:59.weather. Apparently, we live in Britain. Over the next three days,
:28:59. > :29:09.we will see some spells of rain, the entrails never lie! Things should be
:29:09. > :29:09.
:29:09. > :29:14.getting a lot cooler. I have just made friends with a black man.
:29:14. > :29:24.you are going to get wet later on. I'm following you and I've got a
:29:24. > :29:25.
:29:25. > :29:35.bucket! I'm sure the ladies will be wearing skimpy bikinis tomorrow. It
:29:35. > :29:36.
:29:36. > :29:40.could reach 90 degrees, which is not bad for a man my age! It is going to
:29:40. > :29:47.be a scorcher so guys you might as well staple your balls to the inside
:29:47. > :29:51.of your thigh because those bad boys are going nowhere! Thank you very
:29:51. > :30:01.much, Dave. Pretty easy reporting on things that have already happened.
:30:01. > :30:03.
:30:03. > :30:13.Now, predicting the future... now The Shipping Forecast - Dogger,
:30:13. > :30:22.Car park, My Penis, Rising Slowly. OK. The points go to Chris, Hugh and
:30:22. > :30:32.Rob. And that is the end of the show. This week's winners are Andy
:30:32. > :30:32.