0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:20# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# News of the world News of the world
0:00:24 > 0:00:29# Read all about it Read all about it
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Ed Byrne,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:00:51 > 0:00:54We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57On the board are six categories. Rob, which category would you like?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Politics, I'll have a bit of that. - Your category is politics.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03The answer is 13. What is the question?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Is it the number of people on X Factor's first episode
0:01:05 > 0:01:07with dead relatives?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:11APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Is it if Wayne Rooney went to Real Madrid instead of Gareth Bale,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18how many months would it have taken him
0:01:18 > 0:01:20to manage the Spanish for "hello"?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Is it, I know what it is, is it
0:01:24 > 0:01:29when Louis Walsh goes over to One Direction's house to play ping pong,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32how many little white balls are in the room?
0:01:32 > 0:01:33LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- That's what it is. - Actually, spot-on, mathematically.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Is it on which day of Christmas
0:01:42 > 0:01:45do Wonga.com come and repossess everything?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Is the number of BBC programmes currently hosted by Dara O Briain?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:56APPLAUSE
0:01:58 > 0:02:03Is it how many times did I have to watch that Miley Cyrus video before
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I could really consider myself to be well-informed on the subject?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07LAUGHTER
0:02:07 > 0:02:12Is it in fact how many times a day does Oscar Pistorius think,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"Well, I suppose I could just have knocked"?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Is it the number of feet required by the restraining order that
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I have on Brian Blessed?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- IMITATING BRIAN BLESSED: - Stewart, I know you want some!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Is it the number of soldiers France will actually send to Syria?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- A bit of politics there, mate.- Yeah.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49At what age do you realise that One Direction might be shit?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Can we have a correct answer, please?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58What is the atomic number for unluckium?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Very good, very good. You slipped it under the wire. Nice, yeah.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Correct answer?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11It was by how many votes
0:03:11 > 0:03:14did the Government lose the crucial vote on Syria?
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Yes, it was, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis, well done.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Yes, the question I was looking for was,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26by how many votes was Prime Minister David Cameron defeated
0:03:26 > 0:03:29in Parliament last week on the proposed military strike on Syria?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32This is the news that, after recalling Parliament early,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35the coalition lost the vote by 272 votes to 285.
0:03:35 > 0:03:3939 members of the coalition voted against the motion.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Nothing, after a really funny round, gets the mood up in a room
0:03:42 > 0:03:44like Syria being mentioned,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47a situation of deep political complexity
0:03:47 > 0:03:50and huge humanitarian sensitivity,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53the kind of stuff that Mock The Week does so well historically.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57I heard that some of the ministers missed the vote
0:03:57 > 0:04:00because a bell wasn't functioning. I don't understand that
0:04:00 > 0:04:03because everyone in Parliament is a functioning bell.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I guess a number of them didn't actually... Justine Greening,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09who's the International Development Secretary
0:04:09 > 0:04:12and the Foreign Office Minister Mark Simmonds said they didn't
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- hear the bell because they were in a room discussing Rwanda.- Wink, wink!
0:04:16 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:18That old chestnut!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Let us not deliberately imply anything other...
0:04:23 > 0:04:24A-ha-ha!
0:04:24 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I'm with you, Dara.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30We should just legally point out that it's perfectly reasonable
0:04:30 > 0:04:32for the International Development Secretary
0:04:32 > 0:04:35and the Foreign Office Minister to discuss Rwanda at any stage.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Boing-oing-oing-oing!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:40APPLAUSE
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Parliament, I think, you know, the vote went against Cameron
0:04:45 > 0:04:48because Parliament were very worried that going to war
0:04:48 > 0:04:50is like a mobile phone contract.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52It's very easy to start, it's impossible to leave
0:04:52 > 0:04:55and it's very expensive when you're abroad.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:04:59APPLAUSE
0:05:01 > 0:05:03It's a bit rich, though, that Labour have come out
0:05:03 > 0:05:06so heavily against any kind of action though, isn't it?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Labour are rather like,
0:05:07 > 0:05:12"Oh, we shouldn't be, not without UN support and not if it's illegal."
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Memories are kind of short, aren't they?- Yes.- Don't you remember Iraq?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16It just seems a bit much,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Labour taking this hard line with the Tories on this.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22It's a bit like Madonna phoning up Lady Gaga and going,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24"For God's sake, put some clothes on."
0:05:24 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Well, the thing is, with Assad, you know,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30the way they're stopping him killing innocent civilians
0:05:30 > 0:05:33is probably not sending cruise missiles which are liable to
0:05:33 > 0:05:36kill innocent civilians, but we need to send him something to make him
0:05:36 > 0:05:39think twice about using chemical weapons again.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Something surprising.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I'm thinking Atomic Kitten. They've just reformed.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:47 > 0:05:48- The thing is...- Do you know what?
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Of the many criteria on which you judge that I think surprise,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54it definitely rates very highly.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Which line-up of Atomic Kitten are you planning to send in?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Well, if you send in Kerry Katona with a credit card,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01she will bankrupt the country. LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Kerry Katona would bring more chemicals in, though, so...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER
0:06:07 > 0:06:10According to Obama now this is going to harm the special relationship
0:06:10 > 0:06:12and John Kerry as well has said that the special relationship
0:06:12 > 0:06:14is now in jeopardy, which I think is good,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16because I think the special relationship
0:06:16 > 0:06:17has always been a bit creepy,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21especially when you consider the age difference between the UK and the US.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:25The special relationship fell apart about ten years ago,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28didn't it, in Love Actually, when Hugh Grant was in charge.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Is this why you chose Politics as a choice?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I always think, you know, if you're not sure on something,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39give it a go, it might be for you. Um...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- How has Obama reacted to this then? - Oh, very badly.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:49APPLAUSE
0:06:49 > 0:06:50He's done his homework.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Yes, yes, in fact there's a picture of him here in one of the most
0:06:54 > 0:06:58brash political photographs I've seen in a long time.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Essentially... Essentially going, "I'm not happy
0:07:00 > 0:07:03"and I've got my ass-kicking shoes on right here."
0:07:04 > 0:07:07He's essentially saying, "I'm just giving my balls of it of air."
0:07:07 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:10He's on the phone going,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"Yes, the desk is doing that thing of floating off the ground again.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16"I've got it under control for the moment
0:07:16 > 0:07:19"but if you can send somebody with some weights or something."
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Joe Biden is of no help in this situation. He's just looking on.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I heard they were discussing Rwanda as well.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Doing-oing-oing!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:32If that was a photograph of Bill Clinton,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35you'd think they'd just airbrushed Monica Lewinsky out of it.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:39This is a power move.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40One power move is to sit and eat
0:07:40 > 0:07:43when you're in a tete-a-tete with someone.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Another is lunging, like look how you feel now,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48we're kind of having an argument.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What about now?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:54APPLAUSE
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Then you know karate's on its way.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Was it to eat, was the other one, was it?- Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Why's he got three phones?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I know he's the President - he's got three phones.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22He might have three phone calls.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Fair enough.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27In fairness, you'd think, though, he might have a secretary,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30or one phone that was capable of taking many lines.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Yeah. It does seem unusual that he's going,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"I don't know, I-I-I'll try to find out.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"Mm, er, I've got somebody else on this phone here.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40"Wait a minute, wait on the line, both of you wait on the line!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"I'm going to ring the other number. Argh! This isn't working for me!"
0:08:43 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Obama's foot on the desk, I think it would be funny
0:08:47 > 0:08:51if a comedian on a panel show were to say, "It's Barack here,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"I'm going to put you on SNEAKER-phone."
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I think that would be funny if a comedian on a panel show...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I think it would be funny.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Speaking of the continent, what is France's position...?
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Doggy style.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- I've been...I've been there. - OK. But...
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Next topic.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Yeah, cos that's that topic settled.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:22In other news.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25What has Cheryl Cole spent a reported 50 hours doing?
0:09:25 > 0:09:29She has had a new tattoo done all over her back.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32It's all over her bum as well. There we go.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35You know, now, she doesn't look bad, does she, it looks good,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37having four roses tattooed on your arse.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39You're thinking, "That's a mistake though."
0:09:39 > 0:09:43In ten years' time that is going to look like Kew Garden, isn't it?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- Everyone's hacking on her, harshin' on her, as the kids say. - ED LAUGHS
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- Thanks, Ed. Um... - LAUGHTER
0:09:51 > 0:09:53They get into the regional stereotypes.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55She's from Newcastle, she is a Geordie,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58so there's a good chance - once, twice a week -
0:09:58 > 0:10:00she's going to take a shit outside, right?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- LAUGHTER - It's what they do.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:08 > 0:10:12So she can squat in a rose garden,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14twist one off, Bob's your uncle.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- Well done, Cheryl. - It apparently took 50 hours.
0:10:19 > 0:10:2050 hours to get it done.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22But you're thinking, well, you know,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25while she was having the tattoo done she wasn't making
0:10:25 > 0:10:29or releasing music, so it's not all bad news, is it, you know?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30APPLAUSE
0:10:32 > 0:10:36When she does sex the naughty way, is it called botany now?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I guess her real worry is she'll get stalked by Alan Titchmarsh
0:10:41 > 0:10:43with an aphid spray.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46If you're going to have your entire arse done as a tattoo,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48have something a bit more practical.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Maybe like a pair of shorts or something like that.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER
0:10:52 > 0:10:55When the weather's a bit hot, you know, you think,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"Down we go, nobody'll notice."
0:10:58 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:03I think if I was going out with Cheryl Cole, I would definitely get
0:11:03 > 0:11:06a picture of some secateurs tattooed on my penis.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- She actually... - That would look quite funny.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Like a little...? - It'd look like you're pruning a bush.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Also, you wouldn't use a condom, would you?
0:11:17 > 0:11:18You'd use a Fisons grow bag.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:21 > 0:11:24OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Rob...
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Oh, you're not bringing it to an end, are you?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I'm SO bringing that to an end.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32You just get like a watering can tattooed all here.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:35 > 0:11:37How cool would that be? A whole watering can!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39APPLAUSE
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Surely...
0:11:40 > 0:11:42That would look awesome.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46..you would get a bee tattooed on your cock.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48That would be a bit ridiculously large bee, though.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50APPLAUSE
0:11:50 > 0:11:52And you'd go, "Daddy want pollen."
0:11:52 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:56 > 0:12:00At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Hugh and Stewart.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Now we play a round called School Of Hard Mocks.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08This game involves Rob, Andy and Stewart,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I'll launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Your first subject is consumerism. Who wants to come in on that?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Andy Parsons.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31So, we always like to have a go at politicians, don't we,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35for getting us into debt, but we, we're also addicted to debt, aren't we?
0:12:35 > 0:12:36People waste their stuff.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38On loads of nonsense, isn't it,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41things like personalised number plates, don't ever do it.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Anybody can get a personalised number plate, yeah?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47You can change your name by deed poll for a tenner, right?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Just change your name to your car registration number.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:58 > 0:13:01And it's the same people going, "Oh, yeah, look, I've got a new watch,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"I've got a new watch, I have, yeah. It's a diver's watch, yeah?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06"Goes down to a depth of 200 metres, this does."
0:13:06 > 0:13:09200 metres is the depth of the North Sea.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14If you find yourself at the bottom of the North Sea, you're not diving.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:18The ship has sunk, the air bubble is running out
0:13:18 > 0:13:20and it's going to be little consolation
0:13:20 > 0:13:22you know what the bloody time is.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31OK, let's spin the wheel again.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34The next subject is food.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Who wants to come in on that? Rob.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I like food. I eat it most days. Um...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41LAUGHTER
0:13:41 > 0:13:43And the thing is I've moved out of my Mum's now,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45so I go home and see my Mum and Dad and I'm excited to see them,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48but I'm more excited to see the contents of the fridge.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:51She's on a diet, my mum, right?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54She got all the brothers round, my brothers around for a Sunday lunch.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Do you know what she did the whole family for Sunday lunch? Couscous.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58For lunch, right?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I rung ChildLine, they didn't want to know.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03LAUGHTER
0:14:03 > 0:14:04I don't trust couscous, to be honest with you.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Anything you put in your mouth that feels already chewed
0:14:07 > 0:14:08should not be in there.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:09 > 0:14:12It's fat sand, I don't want any part of it, right?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15She served it with toasted pitta bread.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Have you ever toasted pitta? Why is it so hot?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18LAUGHTER
0:14:18 > 0:14:22It's only a bit of folded bread, what's its problem? LAUGHTER
0:14:22 > 0:14:25A bit of toast pops out warm and toasty. The pitta's on fire!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Once you get past the outer,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30you've got the dragon breath inside to deal with.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33There's only two things in the world hotter than toasted pitta bread.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34One's the sun, yeah?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And the other's a cheese and tomato toasted sandwich.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:40What's that prick's problem, right?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42What's its problem, do you know what I mean?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45The cheese, I've not got a problem with the cheese.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48The tomatoes, they're little slices of lava.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I put it in a toasted sandwich maker, not Dante's Peak, what are you doing?
0:14:53 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:58You bite into it, anchor on to the slice, you pull the sandwich away,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01the slice stays, slaps you on the face, burns your face off.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Three days, I had a big red circle like that.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I looked like a thirsty dog!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Well done, Rob.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15OK, that leaves us with Stewart. Let's see what you've got.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Let's spin the wheel.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20And the topic is jobs. Away you go.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Was my French teacher into golden showers?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Oui.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I'm a Canadian comedian, but if people think I'm Russian,
0:15:38 > 0:15:39So-vi-et.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:47As a gynaecologist, I was terrified of vaginas.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I won't go into it.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Very sad, I've just come back from the funeral of my coke dealer.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59HE SNIFFS
0:15:59 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER
0:16:00 > 0:16:01HE SNIFFS AGAIN
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I was fired as a Boy Scout leader.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06I wasn't prepared for that.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I used to be a sarcastic high jump coach.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Get over it!
0:16:15 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I used to be a professional table tennis player
0:16:23 > 0:16:26in Southeast Asia, and recently I went back for a big party.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Oh, it was a real Hong Kong ping-pong ding-dong.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER
0:16:30 > 0:16:33And then someone fired up the old karaoke machine. Oh!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36It was a real Hong Kong ping-pong ding-dong sing-song.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Then someone rang the door bell.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44LAUGHTER
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Cops.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49It was the cops.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I used to be a cop.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54One night, a guy asked me if he could urinate on my wrist, I said,
0:16:54 > 0:16:55"Not on my watch."
0:16:55 > 0:16:57LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Thank you very much! Good night!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Thank you very much, Stewart Francis.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Points there for Stewart and Rob.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07And Andy, what the hell, everyone gets points.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10APPLAUSE
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Now we'll play a game called Picture Of The Week.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I show the panel a topical image
0:17:14 > 0:17:16and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18So what's going on here?
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Have Newcastle United signed three new players?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Is it badgers protesting against the possible culling of Brian May?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I hope nobody blows on his hair,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37cos there'd be a field of dandelions.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39LAUGHTER
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Is Brian May supporting a charity for black dogs
0:17:41 > 0:17:44that have been run over by road-marking lorries?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:50That's Brian May and the Pepe Le Pew Appreciation Society.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51LAUGHTER
0:17:51 > 0:17:54The guy on the right's like, "I couldn't find me badger costume,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57"so I just painted stripes on me Womble mask."
0:17:57 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Does anyone know what it actually is?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04It's part of Brian May campaigning to save the badgers from the cull.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Absolutely. Thank you very much, Ed Byrne.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Yes. Of course, this is the news that protests have begun
0:18:13 > 0:18:16in the wake of the badger cull in the West of England.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Trained marksmen, including farmers, have been granted a licence
0:18:19 > 0:18:20to shoot up to 80 badgers each night
0:18:20 > 0:18:23in the first of the government's controlled pilot schemes
0:18:23 > 0:18:25to destroy up to 5,000 badgers
0:18:25 > 0:18:28in a bid to tackle the spread of bovine tuberculosis.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31People have objected to this, though, have they not?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Well, the thing is that people love badgers,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35and people love hedgehogs, but people don't know
0:18:35 > 0:18:38that badgers eat hedgehogs, so the government have got it all wrong.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Instead of campaigning to kill the badgers,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43campaign to save the hedgehogs, and then the same people
0:18:43 > 0:18:45dressing up as badgers would be dressed as hedgehogs,
0:18:45 > 0:18:46going "Save the hedgehog!"
0:18:46 > 0:18:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Cutest. Cutest.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Yes, they eat hedgehogs, and bizarrely, hedgehogs and skylarks.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55That is a...
0:18:55 > 0:18:57That's a bit of hunting that I never thought the badger
0:18:57 > 0:19:00would be capable of, just flying behind a skylark,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03on a set of improvised wings, with a skylark mask.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06You know when they're in that "V", when they migrate,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09and it's eating the last one in the line and moving forward one,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11and they're going, "Is there something behind us?"
0:19:11 > 0:19:13And there's a badger, floating.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"Don't mind me! I'm another Skylark! Bwakawk!"
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It's going to make Springwatch more interesting,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21cos it will be a bit like it's been
0:19:21 > 0:19:23directed by Quentin Tarantino now, won't it?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25It'll certainly make it very tense.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28"Oh, we join them outside the sett. And they slowly..."
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Boom!
0:19:30 > 0:19:34"Well, it's an explosive end to tonight's Springwatch...
0:19:34 > 0:19:36"Waited eight hours to see that badger."
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I mean, even the coverage around it,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41this is how the Sunday Telegraph ran the story about the badger cull.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It's just an unfortunate conjunction of photograph and headline there.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Implying that it's essentially the Crimean War at this stage.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55And badgers, they eat eggs.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57And they just complain and they eat like rotten fruit
0:19:57 > 0:19:59and they get drunk off it.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01They're basically the elderly. We don't need 'em.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Yeah, but, you do feel a bit sorry for them,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08because the whole Syria thing is about we need more evidence before
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- we take action, there is no evidence that culling badgers works.- Yeah.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14And the badgers, presumably, are thinking,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17"Why are you attacking us without a UN mandate?"
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Who has joined forces with Brian May in protest of the badger cull?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- Brian... Brian Blessed? - Yes, Brian Blessed has, as well.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26There he is.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Yes, they have released, there's a single,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31which has become quite popular because of shows like this,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33for example, going on about it because it's great.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36We even have a clip of the video, which is
0:20:36 > 0:20:38the Badger Badger Badger, Save The Badger song.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41# Oh, no! A cull!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44# Badger badger badger Badger badger badger
0:20:44 > 0:20:47# Badger badger badger Badger badger badger
0:20:47 > 0:20:48# Save the badgers!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51# Badger badger badger Badger badger badger
0:20:51 > 0:20:53# Badger badger badger Badger badger badger
0:20:53 > 0:20:55# Save the badgers! #
0:20:55 > 0:20:59BADGERS PLAY QUEEN-STYLE GUITAR RIFF
0:20:59 > 0:21:05BRIAN BLESSED: Keep the badgers aliiiiiiiiiive!
0:21:07 > 0:21:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Clearly, that's how they catch the skylarks.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Moving on, what's up with this sad fellow?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21AUDIENCE: Aww! Oh, no.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22When I saw this photo, it reminded me
0:21:22 > 0:21:25of a conversation I had with Dara, before he went in to make-up.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26And that is...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:31And that is... Thank you.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Why does the comedy on television have to be so hurtful?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- This is Dara just after he... - LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I'm not doing it!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43APPLAUSE
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Dara, Dara,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51you've got a little something coming out of your lip there.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Oh, sorry, that was the other one.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56I'm sorry, are we only doing this round so that you can do a lingering
0:21:56 > 0:21:59comparison photograph with me and a blobfish? Are we...?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Any way we can move on from this?
0:22:02 > 0:22:03That looks like William Hague
0:22:03 > 0:22:06has swum too close to the Fukushima plant.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I think it's what most people on Match.com actually look like.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Has a badger sneezed itself inside out?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Does anyone know why he's in the news, the blobfish?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Is it because... Is this why fish normally comes in batter?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Is it Nemo checking into the Priory?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Did fame get to his head?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Is it, in fact...? - "Oh, man, I lost MYSELF!"
0:22:33 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I think it's quite worrying,
0:22:37 > 0:22:42because is it one of Jordan's implants that have become sentient?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"I wrote most of the first book myself."
0:22:45 > 0:22:46LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:48No, it's been nominated,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51the blobfish has been nominated by a organisation
0:22:51 > 0:22:53called the Ugly Animal Preservation Society,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56which is a conservation society that basically highlights the fact
0:22:56 > 0:22:59that we tend to want to conserve cute, cuddly animals,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02not delightful creatures like the blobfish.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Or the Titicaca water frog, which is not...
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Which looks actually quite cool, to be honest.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- HUGH:- It's not ugly at all, is it?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12The pig-nosed turtle.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- AUDIENCE: Aww! - He's OK, you know?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It just looks like a normal turtle with a gas mask.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER
0:23:19 > 0:23:23And a perennial favourite, which is the proboscis monkey.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25They're trying to save the pubic lice.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Why do you want to save the pubic lice?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Because pubic lice are dying out because of topiary...
0:23:30 > 0:23:35- Brazilians, isn't it?- Brazilians, and just general tidiness.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Cleanliness.- Are Brazilians going around killing pubic lice?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Yes. Because they spread...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44You'd think they'd have better things to do, protecting their rainforest.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47It's a bit weird having, like, ugliest animals, but it would
0:23:47 > 0:23:50be even weirder if it was like, "Let's save the fittest ones."
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Like, "Oh, this deer's got really nice horns."
0:23:52 > 0:23:54LAUGHTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:56At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Katherine and Andy.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05so if everyone can
0:24:05 > 0:24:07make their way over to the performance area,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see
0:24:09 > 0:24:12what our panellists can come up with. OK, here we go.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13The first subject is...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17..Extracts From DVDs That Would Never Sell.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Welcome to exercise for manic-depressives.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Down, up.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- LAUGHTER - Down, up.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27BUZZER
0:24:27 > 0:24:29APPLAUSE
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Welcome to this how to use a DVD instruction DVD.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:39First, put this DVD in the slot for the DVD.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:42BUZZER
0:24:42 > 0:24:45APPLAUSE
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Steven Spielberg's Circumcision.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48The Director's Cut.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:54BUZZER
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Welcome to the suffragettes' story with me, Miley Cyrus.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:02BUZZER
0:25:03 > 0:25:04SHE SIGHS DEEPLY
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Ready to get fit, ladies?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07It's Johnny Depp,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Pilates of the Caribbean.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:10 > 0:25:12BUZZER
0:25:13 > 0:25:19The main point of this self-help DVD is that only YOU can help you.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22No need for me then, thanks for the 20 quid.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25BUZZER
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Hello, welcome to funeral etiquette.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29When's the right time to fart?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31BUZZER
0:25:33 > 0:25:36We are in Africa, filming the continent's biggest predator -
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Madonna in Malawi.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:40BUZZER
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Welcome to the best of German Who Do You Think You Are?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47So, your grandfather was a...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49OK, we'll leave it there.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:52BUZZER
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Welcome to the Best Of Test Match Special.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00That one works...
0:26:00 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:03 > 0:26:04BUZZER
0:26:04 > 0:26:07You have to do this. That really helps.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09This is the DVD you've been waiting for,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12all the tweets of Alan Sugar
0:26:12 > 0:26:14read out loud by Stephen Hawking.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:18BUZZER
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Welcome to Filthy, Dirty Nurses 2,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25The Rise Of MRSA.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:26 > 0:26:28BUZZER
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Hello, I'm Ed Byrne. Welcome to Wank Yourself Skinny.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:36 > 0:26:38BUZZER
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Work yourself thin with me,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45teen sensation Stewart Francis.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49LAUGHTER
0:26:49 > 0:26:51BUZZER
0:26:51 > 0:26:54It's the DVD we've all been waiting for,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57two politicians discussing Rwanda.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00LAUGHTER
0:27:00 > 0:27:02BUZZER
0:27:02 > 0:27:04OK, the next topic is...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Unlikely Things To Hear On A Motoring Programme.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Listen to that deep, throaty roar...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12of the man I've just run over.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13LAUGHTER
0:27:13 > 0:27:15BUZZER
0:27:18 > 0:27:20George Michael says he's never driven a car
0:27:20 > 0:27:22that's handled so well on the pavement.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Now, I would describe this car as being very nippy,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32but apparently I'm not allowed to say that,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I have to say it's "made in Japan."
0:27:34 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:37BUZZER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I'm about to shag a bloke...
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Welcome to Ride My Pimp.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45LAUGHTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:46BUZZER
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Women everywhere have come together to announce their favourite car.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54It's the red one!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56LAUGHTER
0:27:56 > 0:27:58BUZZER
0:27:58 > 0:28:01This car has a fail-safe anti-theft device.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02It's a Vauxhall Corsa.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03LAUGHTER
0:28:03 > 0:28:05BUZZER
0:28:08 > 0:28:10First, second, third, fourth,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12yes, all my wives have divorced me
0:28:12 > 0:28:14because I'm such a twat about cars.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Yay! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:19BUZZER
0:28:19 > 0:28:21It's just a car, innit, who gives a shit?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23LAUGHTER
0:28:23 > 0:28:24BUZZER
0:28:24 > 0:28:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Thank you!
0:28:29 > 0:28:31This car is actually owned by Jeremy Clarkson,
0:28:31 > 0:28:34which is why I'm running my key along it now.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35LAUGHTER
0:28:35 > 0:28:36BUZZER
0:28:39 > 0:28:41My first impression is that the dashboard layout
0:28:41 > 0:28:43is actually quite unorthodox and very minimalist.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45There doesn't seem to be a steering...
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Actually, I'm sitting in the back.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49LAUGHTER
0:28:49 > 0:28:51BUZZER
0:28:51 > 0:28:53HE SNIFFS
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Ah! It still has that new hitchhiker smell.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57AUDIENCE GROANS
0:28:57 > 0:28:58BUZZER
0:29:00 > 0:29:01I don't know about you,
0:29:01 > 0:29:04but I think it would be quite nice to walk today.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:06 > 0:29:07BUZZER
0:29:09 > 0:29:12The sales have been surprisingly low for the new Renault Bellend.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14LAUGHTER
0:29:14 > 0:29:16BUZZER
0:29:16 > 0:29:19This car has been modified for the American market.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21It's got six cup-holders, a sandwich stand,
0:29:21 > 0:29:24and a small rotisserie attached to the dashboard.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26LAUGHTER
0:29:26 > 0:29:27BUZZER
0:29:27 > 0:29:30This week on Top Gear we're going to be talking about some penises. Cars!
0:29:30 > 0:29:34We're talking about cars! Cars! Ah! It's cars we're talking about.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36BUZZER
0:29:36 > 0:29:39This car's personalised management system remembers who you are
0:29:39 > 0:29:41and how you drive.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44This morning, it locked me out and told me to fuck off.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46LAUGHTER BUZZER
0:29:46 > 0:29:47Well done.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51At the end of that, the points go to Ed, Katherine, and Andy!
0:29:51 > 0:29:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:56 > 0:29:58And that's the end of the show.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan,
0:30:01 > 0:30:02and Ed Byrne!
0:30:02 > 0:30:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Commiserations to Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd