0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:20# Read all about it, read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world, news of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Read all about it, read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world, news of the world. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Dara O Briain
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and welcome to my special New Year Mockananny.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45Tonight is all about top class live music, spectacular fireworks
0:00:45 > 0:00:47and a non-stop party atmosphere.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52At least it would be if you'd gone out, but never mind, you're in now,
0:00:52 > 0:00:56so we've got half an hour of brand-new material, outtakes
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and favourite clips from the year just gone to keep you entertained.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Hope you enjoy it and Happy New Year.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07I have to say, it doesn't feel like the country's got football fever.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11You know, there aren't taxis with the George's Cross in the window.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14There's a lot less of that than there used to be.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17The only piece of really exciting memorabilia we found
0:01:17 > 0:01:20was a thing that was on sale in Asda during the week. This is great.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23It's great for a number of reasons, not least the name of it.
0:01:23 > 0:01:28It's called wearing flag. As in, "I've got my wearing flag!"
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- Not wearable?- Not wearable, not to be worn. "Me wearing flag."
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I'm actually going to get the flag out.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It might seem slightly transgressive, to any of you
0:01:36 > 0:01:39watching in Ireland, that I will now drape myself in the English flag,
0:01:39 > 0:01:43but trust me, it is worth it, because it has been slightly,
0:01:43 > 0:01:48slightly controversial this one, for reasons I can't quite figure why
0:01:48 > 0:01:51this has been as controversial as this has been.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:56That is...
0:01:59 > 0:02:00I can't see any,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03any kind of negative connotations about this at all.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08I'll tell you what, that Gandalf's let himself go, hasn't he?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Romesh, if you were walking down the street and a number of men,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15enthusiastic English supporters, happened to be walking down
0:02:15 > 0:02:18the street towards you, they'd just been to Asda,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21they'd also bought the burnable lawn crosses.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27It's bizarre, isn't it?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Oh, you'll find the Death Star will be quite operational
0:02:31 > 0:02:34when your friends arrive.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I'm sorry.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:39 > 0:02:41It's fantastic.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44And the thing that's so difficult is you...
0:02:46 > 0:02:49..you look racist but you look so adorable.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:55What would help is if you had a Flake sticking out the top.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02ED HUMS "THE STRIPPER" THEME
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Well, I like the way our stripper came as a racist.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Obviously every year we do our traditional quiz,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12as you are well aware, we've done a Christmas quiz for a number
0:03:12 > 0:03:15of years now, so we are going to do the traditional New Year's quiz
0:03:15 > 0:03:18about the traditions and things that occur around the world
0:03:18 > 0:03:19at this special time.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20OK, right quiz question.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24In Peru, as a New Year's tradition, what antisocial behaviour
0:03:24 > 0:03:27can you expect to see in New Year in Peruvian villages?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- How do they call in the New Year? - Spitting.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Not spitting, not spitting, no. - Eating guinea pigs.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32No, they don't eat guinea pigs.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Bears throwing marmalade sandwiches at each other?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- You would think that, er, but no. - Kicking the shit out of Uruguayans?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- You're half right.- Kicking the Uruguayans out of shit?- No, no.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Snakes?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- It's a very charitable thing they do.- They burn effigies.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52They don't burn effigies.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- They make little models of Uruguayans out of potato.- OK, OK, sorry.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Can I just stress it's nothing to do with Uruguay.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00So they kick the shit out of something.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02So, it's an antisocial thing. Is it pranks?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- Well, it's a fight, but who do they fight?- Each other.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Yes, they fight each other. Well done, very good, James.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Everybody does that, not just the Peruvians.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Exactly. That's New Years.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14They do it because it apparently it leads to a clean slate.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17It's a bit like never go to sleep on an argument.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Never go into the new year wanting to punch your neighbour in the head
0:04:21 > 0:04:23is the Peruvian version.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25OK, right.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Right, question two. Oh, this is rolling now.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32What did the BBC broadcast for the first time at New Year in 1923?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- The Queen's speech.- Is it the Peruvians fighting each other?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38The annual Peruvian fights which took place in the Peruvian embassy.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I think this is going to be Big Ben chiming.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Yes, it is Big Ben. Well done, Josh Widdicombe. Very good.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47APPLAUSE
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Do you have any predictions for 2015?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I'm looking for predictions for 2015, what's going to happen.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I might grow a beard.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- I don't know yet.- You couldn't really walk into a bookies and go,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01"What odds would you give me about me growing a beard?"
0:05:01 > 0:05:04To tell you the truth, I don't think I'd get very good ones.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I'll race you, Rob. I'll give you a bit of a challenge.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Would it all come out blonde? Have you ever grown it?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Yeah, I tried to grow it once for Movember and do a little moustache,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15but it was all really blonde and you couldn't really see it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- So I got my girlfriend's eyelash thing...- Mascara.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Yeah, and sort of painted it,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23and I looked like Lionel Richie.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Like an Aryan Lionel Richie.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Like the Lionel Richie the Nazi Party can enjoy, yeah.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32LAUGHTER
0:05:32 > 0:05:37- GERMAN ACCENT:- Play Hello Again for us, Li-onel von Richie.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41I find it quite good. I did though meet a girl who said recently,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43cos I thought I had a goatee beard,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47and she said it merely looked like I had an arrow going up my nose.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:53 > 0:05:55What other set-backs did the Conservatives suffer
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- just before the conference? - We've been looking forward to this.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01This is the man, the Conservative MP who exposed himself
0:06:01 > 0:06:06over social media whilst wearing his blue and red paisley pyjamas.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- Yes. What was his name? - Brooks Newmark.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Oh, it's quite the romantic novelist name, isn't it?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I mean, Mark Reckless is a crazy cop on the edge,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18but Brooks Newmark is your first pet and the road you grew up on.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:20 > 0:06:24No-one has a real name. Brooks Newmark.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Do you think he looks like if you pumped up Ed Miliband...
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Yeah, he does, yeah.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33..and then just slowly let the air out of him?
0:06:33 > 0:06:34I find myself in the odd...
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I don't normally feel this way, but I feel sorry for him.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I have sympathy for him as well,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42but the penis is not an attractive, at the best...
0:06:42 > 0:06:46No seduction has worked by going, "Well, wait till you see this!"
0:06:46 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:50"This is a very beautiful thing."
0:06:50 > 0:06:52No, I know it's a generalisation for women,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55but they don't find men's bits, I think, as just visually,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"Well, that is a particularly lovely..."
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Is that why there's the little opening at the front of the pyjamas?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It's specifically designed for that, yeah.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Pyjamas, in order for you to get your junk out, quick photo,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07pop them back in again.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09In the olden days you'd just pop it out of your pyjamas,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11quickly draw a charcoal sketch, fold it up,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14give it to the carrier pigeon, they'd take it to a local madam.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Or a brass rubbing,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19but you've got to be careful because it gets bigger as you go on.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:23 > 0:07:26There is a generational element to this though, that it is very
0:07:26 > 0:07:29much the lingua franca for young people and their...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Josh, please, you're a young man.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Is this common now just as a... "Hello, you look quite nice."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Click click. "Here you go. I'm just er..."
0:07:39 > 0:07:42It's the standard form of address I'm told.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I wasn't expecting to be put on the spot, Dara,
0:07:44 > 0:07:49but I can say that one of you has received a photo of me
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- already this evening...- Well.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55..and when you all go back to your dressing rooms,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57my cock is on your phone, Dara.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Well, that is, I mean, I thought it would be pre-loaded anyway
0:08:02 > 0:08:04like the U2 album, but...
0:08:04 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:08 > 0:08:10But that will be very exciting.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12And people would be complaining about the space
0:08:12 > 0:08:15it was taking up on their phones.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I hope you've got a 32-gig for this baby!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Do you think that wearing pyjamas is a generational thing as well?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- Do you wear pyjamas? - No, I don't.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31You were expecting me to say yes, weren't you? No, I don't.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35I wear pyjamas, but just as a background for my dick pics.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38What finished it for me on the pyjama front was not long ago,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40we were sitting upstairs, before we had even gone to bed,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44but ready for bed and heard the smashing of glass downstairs
0:08:44 > 0:08:46and I ran downstairs...
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Was it your missus had just seen the photo of Josh's knob on your phone?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Yes, she was smashing my iPhone to bits. "What is this penis?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57"Flicking through your usual collection of penises,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59"I found this new penis.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"This looks like Josh Widdicombe!"
0:09:01 > 0:09:03My penis doesn't LOOK like me.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:10I would like to think that you put a tiny little curly wig on the top.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13No, but a picture frame had fallen off the thing and had smashed
0:09:13 > 0:09:15but it felt like somebody had broken into the house
0:09:15 > 0:09:18and I feel it is much more impressive to run downstairs
0:09:18 > 0:09:21like territorially defending your house in just a pair of pants,
0:09:21 > 0:09:25"RAAAA!", rather than in a pair of pyjamas just saying,
0:09:25 > 0:09:29"Dreadfully sorry. Sorry for er..."
0:09:30 > 0:09:35The only way to confront an invader in your home is completely naked.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- Yeah.- Semi erect.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I'm sorry, semi erect?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Full erect, too weird.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:09:51 > 0:09:54and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57This week's clip features the G20 leaders.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Oh, happy new year, Mr Cameron.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Of course, I'm the Canadian Prime Minister.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Mm, yes, Well, I know that. Have you made any New Year's resolutions?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Yeah, this year I'm going to make sure that everyone knows my name.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Don't be silly. Everybody already knows your name, Mr...um...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Mr...um.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Well, Angela, I realised here that the coffee would be shit,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19yeah, so I went to Starbucks.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I got myself a vente cappuccino with a tea bag in it.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25You see the thing is that people think we're dull
0:10:25 > 0:10:28but they don't realise how many famous Canadians there are.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30There's Mike Myers, Bryan Adams, Keanu Reeves.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Can I just stop you there? This is fascinating.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36It's so fascinating I'm thinking of putting my head in an oven.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Yeah, well, the list is long.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Leonard Cohen, Chewbacca. He's a bear. Yeah, that's right.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46And, another one, Celine Dion, would you believe it? Celine Dion.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Gosh, Celine Dion, how interesting.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51That really is fascinating.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Well, welcome to this, the New Year G20 summit.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58A big welcome to President Obama, and sitting next to him,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00the man who hasn't slept for 1,000 years.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06I am sure I've forgotten something. What have I forgotten?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Yes, Well, if I could remember, I wouldn't have forgotten it.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13My children. Where are my children? What have I done with my children?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Oh gosh! I hope I've left them with Samantha.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Thinking of whom, I'll just pop in another Viagra.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22That could come in useful later.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27So just to reiterate, to qualify for second Meerkat toy,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30you must invade Ukraine. That's it.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33God, this is boring. Thank goodness for Radio Four.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36THEME FROM THE ARCHERS: # Dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum
0:11:36 > 0:11:38# Dum-de-dum-de-dum-dum. #
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Just one more year and I'll be on a beach.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46So, this is the photo call. This is great. Yeah. I'll stand here.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Hey, President Rousseff of Brazil. Thank you very much.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51What a great year you provided us with that World Cup.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Thank you very much.- Thank you, but if you want to see real ball skill,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- come to my room, 328.- Thanks.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I may do that, yep.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I'm sorry I'm late everybody.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Alex Salmond locked me in the lavatory again, so...
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Yes, here I come. Look at this.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12This is a walk I call crazy cat walk. I learnt it from Arjen Robben.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Anyway, here's my resolution.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18You will all smile or I will have you shot.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22So, on the count of three. One, two, three, beautiful.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24You've done it. Now get off my territories.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Stop interfering in my business. - Thank you very much, Hugh.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:30 > 0:12:32What might you see a Columbian carrying with them
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- on New Year's Eve?- A dead Peruvian.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- A Peruvian who could no longer walk. - No, it's not a Peruvian.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- A kilo of cocaine. - Not a kilo of cocaine, no.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- Two kilos of cocaine?- No.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47He's done all the cocaine. That's why he's so strong.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Nothing to do with cocaine.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51They run with these things around the block in the hope...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Scissors, don't do that.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Is it something to do with Madonna? Is it something religious.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57It's nothing religious, no.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Is it deckchairs for a good view of the fireworks?- No, it's not.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Is it like a torch, a burning torch? - It's not like a burning torch, no.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- It's to represent travel.- Oh. - Wheels?- No.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- A car, a car.- Not a car, no. - A plane.- No.- Balloons.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12A plane? They're running around. Not a boat or a plane.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Expedia vouchers.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- A Trunki?- What?- A Trunki? - Close enough. Suitcase. That'll do.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22APPLAUSE
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- It's 2-1. Keep going.- Why Trunki?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27The child's thing that you bring to the airport.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- I was going to go wheelie suitcase. - Wheelie suitcase?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33This is the most fun I've ever had on Mock The Week.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Meanwhile, what has George Osborne asked the public to design?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Is it a plan for the economy?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45No, it is not.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47"Maaa, eeerrr!"
0:13:47 > 0:13:50That's a really bad photo. "Eeeerh!"
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- It's a new pound coin. - Yes, it is a new pound coin.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56It's a new pound coin, but, because it's such a big thing,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59they're not going to decide before the referendum is over.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01No, because that would be tomorrow morning.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03It won't be anything provocative.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08It'll just be the head of the Queen will have a speech bubble on it, and
0:14:08 > 0:14:10coming out of the speech bubble it will just say, "Not for you, Jock!"
0:14:10 > 0:14:13LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- It's like a thistle with a big 'X' over it, yeah.- A big 'X', yeah.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18They're not coming out for a few years yet.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Should we not just hedge our bets and put Charles on it just in case?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23AUDIENCE GROANS
0:14:23 > 0:14:25They're talking about designing pound coins.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27They've been designing pound coins round my way for years.
0:14:27 > 0:14:3120 for 15 quid if you're interested.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33It should be something that reflects the status and value
0:14:33 > 0:14:36of the pound coin, that's what the design should be.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38So I think the design should probably have a picture of
0:14:38 > 0:14:42a shopping trolley on it, and on the other side it should say token.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44LAUGHTER
0:14:44 > 0:14:47It's going to have the Queen's head on one side, isn't it?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Yes, that remains, I presume.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52And obviously, every coin has a head and a tail, so if it's got the royal
0:14:52 > 0:14:56head on one side, surely it should have a royal arse on the other side?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Prince Andrew, he'd fit the bill, wouldn't he?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01They should bring back one pound notes.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03That was much more fun. Everyone feels rich.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04That was not in our lifetime.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08No, but I had one out of currency, just cos I was like, "playa!"
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- That was not in your lifetime?! What?- No, I'm only young.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Bloody hell, what, really? - When did, when were you born?- '86.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Yeah, it wasn't in your lifetime.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21How long have we been doing this show?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I remember when it was like Rory Bremner and Frank.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- Who are these children? - I don't know.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30One day we'll be sitting in your seats telling people we met you.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Knew him, back in the day.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Ah, you know.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Yeah, we knew him, before the allegations.- Yes.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Thanks, yeah.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- What has Gove said the schools must now promote?- My new DVD.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56LAUGHTER
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- Oh, sorry, so he has to say British values.- Can I try these on?
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- Yeah, do.- What has Gove said schools must promote?- His new DVD.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Say that again, sorry, say that again.- His new DVD.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10No, no, no, not you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16"Is that Pooh in the river?" said Eeyore.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Sorry...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22We know where it's going, um...
0:16:23 > 0:16:27"Yes," said Tigger, "And we're never holidaying in Newcastle again."
0:16:28 > 0:16:30It was worth it.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Why is this man in the news this week?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36It's the Prime Minister of our country, Dara.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39This week's cleep...
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Ah, fluffed it there, didn't I? "This week's cleeep."
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I don't think you fluffed it so much...
0:16:44 > 0:16:48This week's CLEEEP features the party leaders.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54So what do you want to know about me? I like reading, cinema,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58socialising with friends and a cheeky thumb up the arse.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- A cheeky what?- Thumb.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Thumb up the arse. That's always funny, innit?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- How can a thumb up the arse not be funny?- I don't know.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I can think of a lot of circumstances where it's not
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- the least funny thing in the world, a thumb up the arse.- Yeah, true.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Er..I've forgotten.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20And the topic is Animals. Who wants to come in on that? Romesh?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23There's no-one there.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER
0:17:26 > 0:17:30How shit would you be in the cast of the new Star Wars film?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:38 > 0:17:41This is a picture of David Cameron lobbying European leaders to
0:17:41 > 0:17:45block the appointment of former Luxembourg PM Jean-Claude HUNKER
0:17:45 > 0:17:48as the new President of the European Commission.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oh, I've fucked it up again. It's JUNCKER, isn't it?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Fuck him and his stupid name.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55LAUGHTER
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Apparently, the Cabinet now is more Euro-sceptic,
0:17:58 > 0:18:02but imagine thinking that Europe doesn't actually exist.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:11I had a near Europe experience once
0:18:11 > 0:18:14when I was on holiday in Kent.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19I found myself walking along a tunnel towards the light.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23In the end someone said, "Bonjour".
0:18:23 > 0:18:26That's so unfair. I thought I led a good life.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31LAUGHTER
0:18:37 > 0:18:41You're never quite sure which week Milton is actually mocking, are you?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Charlie couldn't believe he was being
0:18:51 > 0:18:53allowed into the chocolate factory.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Final question, final question. Right, this is one I do know.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15What do the Spanish try to fit in their mouths at midnight?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- Orange.- No.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- It's 12 grapes.- It IS 12 grapes.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- What?- I've done it.- Have you? - You've done it?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24On the gongs, you've got to do it on the gongs.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Exactly. Everyone in Spain does it.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You're supposed to make a wish as you do each one.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Can you do it again? - Are you going to do it now?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I can see what you've got down here. I can see where this is going.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Pass them down, right.- Oh, good.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Is the wish you make that you don't choke?- Yeah, that'll do.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I'm sorry, I've taken one of yours. that means I've got 13.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48These are really quite big grapes as well. These are like figs.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- I'm betting none of us get more than three or four.- Have we got gongs?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53It's one on each bong and you get it in.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- OK, will the audience do the bongs then?- No, we've prepared bongs.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59He's gone early!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Take them out of your mouth!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Cheating. Your year is cursed now.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:10 > 0:20:13OK, do you know what?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16As punishment, as punishment,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18you have to do another 12 when we do the actual task
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Dara, are you going to use the buzzer for the gongs?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I'm not going to use... Stop it!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:31OK.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35We have to do... OK, grand.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Profoundly disrespectful to the people of Spain. Right.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45There we go, right.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Against the bongs, you have to see how far you can get.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49The Spaniards are very good at this.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51You're not allowed to swallow any of them?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You do swallow them, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Oh, no, it's not can you shove 12 grapes in your mouth.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- You eat them. You have to eat the grapes.- Oh, that's easy!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I thought it was can you fit 12 grapes in your mouth?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05No, that's not what it is, because that would be really easy.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- The challenge is can you eat 12 grapes in a row?- Yes. Yes.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11OK. Let's do this game.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- OK, let's go for the bongs, right. - Yeah.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17BONGS
0:21:23 > 0:21:26BONGS CONTINUE
0:21:28 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- This is too easy.- Yeah.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Did you all do it?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53There we go.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- Happy new year. - Happy new year, everybody.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Can we do the Peruvian one now?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:06 > 0:22:10But surely if you go on a website that you shouldn't really be on,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12you just delete history, don't you?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14The tricky bit is not deleting history.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17The tricky bit is then going on all the innocuous websites afterwards
0:22:17 > 0:22:20so as it doesn't look like you've deleted history.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22That's the tricky bit, isn't it?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24History seems to be very empty in this computer,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- because I saw you on it all evening yesterday.- Yeah.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I never touched the delete history.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Private browsing, Andy, private browsing.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36My favourite member of the Army Corp, Private Browsing.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Good afternoon, Private Browsing. Are you on duty again?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41"I certainly am, Dara.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44"I shall be protecting you from any inappropriate sites.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46"Private Browsing reporting for duty.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"Pants down, Private Browsing is here!"
0:22:49 > 0:22:53I should protect your browsing while you shop for gifts for your wife
0:22:53 > 0:22:57because that is apparently what Private Browsing was invented for.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I love that. "Oh, I've got private browsing on
0:23:00 > 0:23:02"because I'm shopping for some gifts for my wife."
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Oh, really? You seem to be buying her pornography!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Are you sure this is a gift she particularly wants?
0:23:09 > 0:23:13"Private Browsing, reporting for duty."
0:23:13 > 0:23:15She told me that her favourite film as a child
0:23:15 > 0:23:17was "Double Fist and Piss".
0:23:17 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I'm sorry.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Private Browsing isn't happy.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Private Browsing has never had to work under these conditions before.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37He's mainly used for shopping for gifts.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Private Browsing is retraining as an electrician.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Why did you leave the army? "Oh, the things I saw!"
0:23:44 > 0:23:48"Oh, I saw some things. I saw some things in the army."
0:23:48 > 0:23:49You weren't there, man!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"You weren't there, you weren't there!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53"You didn't see what I saw!"
0:23:53 > 0:23:55The first casualty of war, my friend.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59When you're Private Browsing, the first casualty of war is innocence.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Private Browsing. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08I don't know why I'm doing it like Benny Hill.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12"Private Browsing at your service, madam."
0:24:14 > 0:24:20No, it would be like, that paper clip that would appear.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22It looks like you're buying some pornography!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Do you want some help with that?
0:24:24 > 0:24:25A small animated soldier comes out and says,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28"Do you want to look at some porn?"
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Private Browsing can help you with that."
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I'm amusing myself here.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35It's the last record of a long summer, you know.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Literally, I've got to enjoy this,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39because in three days' time I'll be going,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42"Over the next 12 weeks, 20 candidates will be putting
0:24:42 > 0:24:43"themselves in front of Sir Alan Sugar."
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Private Browsing is going to get some visits.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48He is going to get some fucking hammering.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER
0:24:51 > 0:24:55I think your penis is going to get some CORPORAL punishment.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59There'll be some MAJOR damage.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01And GENERAL recklessness.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07What new trend... And Colonel Abrams.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:14That was it.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Colonel Abrams?!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Sorry, we'll bring it back.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Lost it.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Colonel Abrams was great, though.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Do any of you even remember Colonel Abrams?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Anyway, he sang a song called Trapped. It was really good.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35# I can't get out, I'm trapped like a fool I'm in a cage. #
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"I'm like a man in a cage
0:25:38 > 0:25:40# I'm so in love with you, love with you, love with you. #
0:25:40 > 0:25:42LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Sorry, would you like me to carry on with the show?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47So, yeah, whenever.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50HE LAUGHS
0:25:50 > 0:25:54You boys have got a shared past we can only imagine about.
0:25:56 > 0:26:02OK, the next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear At New Year.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09five, four, three, two, one.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Oh, and some prawn crackers, thanks.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13LAUGHTER
0:26:17 > 0:26:19My new year's resolution is to try new and interesting ways
0:26:19 > 0:26:21of doing things.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23That's why I'm stirring the punch with my cock.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:33I've just had a glass of this punch.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER
0:26:41 > 0:26:45My prediction for this year is that I will make a high pitched sound,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48there will be a buzzing noise and then I will die.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51HE MAKES A HIGHPITCHED SOUND
0:26:51 > 0:26:53BUZZER SOUNDS
0:26:53 > 0:26:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Oh, I'd murder a bit of turkey.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Happy new year! I'm so glad you're here.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I want a divorce.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Now it's time for Big Ben.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I'll put the music on. Ben, get your kecks off.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Welcome to Hooternanny!
0:27:25 > 0:27:29The topless bar for the gentleman who prefers the older lady.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33LAUGHTER
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Of course I can stay up till 12.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I'll just have another Viagra.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Last new year's party really ended with a bang for me
0:27:46 > 0:27:50when I drunkenly mistook a party popper for a tampon.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:56 > 0:28:01OK, the next topic is Commercials That Never Made It To Air.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Yorkshire Tea. The taste of Yorkshire...
0:28:06 > 0:28:07bitter.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:14We've got surprises in store.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17The escalator's broken and the staff know fuck all.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20LAUGHTER
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Dignitas - it's not au revoir.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31LAUGHTER
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault and has ruined your life?
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Next time use Durex.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43If you can find it cheaper anywhere else, tell us
0:28:43 > 0:28:46and we'll burn their shop down.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49LAUGHTER
0:28:49 > 0:28:53The DFS sale has ended.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Have you been injured whilst doing voluntary work?
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Well, that's your look out, isn't it, hmm?
0:29:08 > 0:29:11The Dyson hand-dryer.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15The perfect way to drown out the sound of somebody having a shit.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Papa, papa?
0:29:25 > 0:29:28No, I'm sorry Nicole, we've lost him.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31LAUGHTER
0:29:34 > 0:29:38Buy Lidl wine, because poor people shouldn't have to drink cider.
0:29:42 > 0:29:43But what if the worst happens?
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Who gives a shit? You'll be dead.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48LAUGHTER
0:29:50 > 0:29:52News International.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55When you talk, we listen.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03No, no, that is the thing.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05I DID go to Specsavers.
0:30:05 > 0:30:09LAUGHTER
0:30:12 > 0:30:17Milk. Try and forget it came out of a cow's tits.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Have you booked Joe Hart to advertise your product?
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Have you paid for advertising space until the end of the World Cup?
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Then you may be entitled to compensation.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:31 > 0:30:35At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Angela and Andy.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Have a happy new year from this team. Happy new year?
0:30:41 > 0:30:43- Happy New Year!- Bleurgh!
0:30:43 > 0:30:45LAUGHTER
0:30:45 > 0:30:48From this side...
0:30:48 > 0:30:50- SOLEMNLY:- Happy New Year.
0:30:50 > 0:30:51LAUGHTER
0:30:51 > 0:30:54Happy new year. That's all from Mock the Week.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Thank you very much. See you in 2015.