0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it... #
0:00:28 > 0:00:34This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Katherine Ryan and Romesh Ranganathan,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:55We start with a game called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I show the panel a topical image
0:00:57 > 0:00:59and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02So, everybody, what's going on here?
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Is it Nigel Farage meets UKIP's youth wing?
0:01:09 > 0:01:14Is it Nigel Farage attempts ill-advised Chinese impersonation?
0:01:16 > 0:01:22Is it unnoticed by the two men, the assassin slips behind them?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26He gave the candidate the Vulcan death grip.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Farage looks like he's going,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32"He thought he'd win(!)"
0:01:33 > 0:01:37He looks like he's pointing at the button that activates him.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41If you press the yellow button, casual racism comes out.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Is it, "To hear the UKIP manifesto, pull my finger"?
0:01:52 > 0:01:58Is he, in fact, just introducing the winner of the UKIP Best In Show?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Is that bloke behind a bouncer
0:02:01 > 0:02:05and he's saying, "No, you can't come in, see how you like it"?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15In submission, who is this?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Is he not... He's called Roger Helmer.- That's the chap.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22He's the UKIP candidate for Newark in the Newark by-election.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26In which they came second. So why he's pointing like that -
0:02:26 > 0:02:28he's presumably going, "Loser!"
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Yes, it's a picture of Nigel Farage and the UKIP candidate
0:02:32 > 0:02:34for the recent Newark by-election, Roger Helmer.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37After recent victory in the European elections,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39and council gains in the local elections,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42UKIP went on to come second in this important by-election,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44cutting the Tory majority by more than half.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48How are we enjoying the Nigel Farage earthquake at the moment?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50The fact that this man came second
0:02:50 > 0:02:52and has been deemed the Picture of the Week,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56is an example of how it is UKIP have managed to do as well as they have.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- There is a touch of that.- They are slightly over-represented
0:03:00 > 0:03:02by this particular television channel.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Would you...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I think it's that simple.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Could you, for example, name the winner of the Newark by-election?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- No! I understand he was a member of the Conservative Party.- Yeah.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18But they're not nearly as exciting.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Can you tell us where Newark is?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23That is an excellent question.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It's just outside New Jersey, isn't it(?)
0:03:26 > 0:03:31"Newark" is actually an anagram of Nigel Farage's nickname.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:03:37 > 0:03:38What?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Krawen?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44I love the way that they clapped at different times,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46depending on how quickly they got it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Get up to speed, for God's sake!
0:03:49 > 0:03:53I think people quite like Nigel Farage
0:03:53 > 0:03:55because he's a bit of a colourful character,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57which is ironic.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Also, to defend him,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05he's in no way a closet racist.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09A closet racist is someone who doesn't like people from Narnia.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14I think the thing we should be talking about is immigration
0:04:14 > 0:04:17because it's a good thing he's put it on the table
0:04:17 > 0:04:20because a lot of Europeans are coming into the country
0:04:20 > 0:04:24and taking jobs that my parents worked so hard to steal in the '70s.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33And on behalf of the Irish, we were quite irritated at the time,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36because we'd done a good job of nicking those jobs in the '50s
0:04:36 > 0:04:40and then you arrive here, waving spices and whatnot,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43and we had no response to that.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46If UKIP get in, it is you who are in trouble
0:04:46 > 0:04:50because taking jobs from British people is their big worry.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53This will be Mock The Week with Sue Barker.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Is she the natural second choice?!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59When I finally get deported, it'll be Sue Barker
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- doing my job?- Yeah.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I think you'll find, though, it was the spices from the East
0:05:05 > 0:05:09and the Irish cuisine that joined together to form the potato wedge.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14A beautiful thing.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Nigel Farage said there was going to be a flood of Bulgarians
0:05:17 > 0:05:20and Romanians coming over on New Year's Day.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Turns out there is now, in fact, 4,000 less Bulgarians and Romanians
0:05:23 > 0:05:26in the country now than there were last year.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30So obviously the Bulgarians and Romanians who were in the country
0:05:30 > 0:05:34suddenly heard that all these other Bulgarians and Romanians
0:05:34 > 0:05:37were coming to Britain and they thought, "That's why I left
0:05:37 > 0:05:39"the country in the first place! I'm off!"
0:05:39 > 0:05:42It works both ways, though,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45and the British are even sneakier at getting into countries.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I keep having British children.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51They sneak in through my body...
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- HIGHPITCHED ENGLISH ACCENT: - ..and then they talk like this way...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- NORMAL ACCENT: - ..and they love queueing
0:05:57 > 0:05:58and they eat beans on toast.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I don't know where they're coming from.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05I think you need to address your open-door policy.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14I thought you were laughing at me a couple of seconds ago
0:06:14 > 0:06:16but you just thought of that and were laughing at yourself
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- and waiting to say it. - I'm really quite pleased with myself.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23To be honest, he's still laughing at potato wedges.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26He's on a bit of a run at the moment.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31When Farage made these racist comments about Romanians on LBC,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34he blamed the fact that he was tired,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and you're thinking, "If tiredness is an excuse for racism,
0:06:37 > 0:06:41"the Metropolitan Police must be bloody knackered, mustn't they?"
0:06:41 > 0:06:46The other thing was, he felt uncomfortable on trains.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48He got a train out of London
0:06:48 > 0:06:50and he would hear foreign languages being spoken.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53If you're in the train out of London,
0:06:53 > 0:06:55and the ticket officer came on suddenly started going...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58HE RANTS IN GERMAN
0:06:58 > 0:07:01..you would wake up and go, "Wah! It was all a dream!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04"We didn't win the war! Oh, no..."
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Is that just an excuse to show off your variety of accents?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I have lots of accents...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Maybe you'd like to hear my Spanish accent? "Hola..."
0:07:14 > 0:07:16It's quite beautiful.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21The issue that I have is that, you know, UKIP sort of attracting
0:07:21 > 0:07:23votes from the elderly,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26this is who are increasingly supporting them,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29and the thing is, you get worried because you think,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"Well, I've had more racist experiences from elderly people,"
0:07:32 > 0:07:35and you can sort of understand how this comes about,
0:07:35 > 0:07:39but I think that elderly people should just be allowed to be racist
0:07:39 > 0:07:41because they've got enough shit going on in their lives
0:07:41 > 0:07:44without having to re-educate themselves.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"I pissed myself, I've got two false hips
0:07:46 > 0:07:48and now I can't say 'darkie'..."
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I'm quite happy to bump into an elderly person
0:07:54 > 0:07:58and just give them the old wobble-head to make them feel...
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I don't mind that UKIP's on telly all the time,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10even though they've got no MPs in the House of Commons,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12cos, Dara, you've got no MPs in the House of Commons
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- and you're on telly all the time.- All right!
0:08:16 > 0:08:19But I have an inclusive manifesto.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Moving on - which top Tories have angered David Cameron this week?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- His children.- No.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27They probably have.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- Michael Gove.- It is Michael Gove, and...?- Theresa May.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Yes, and Theresa May.- Yeah.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:38It looks like, "Say sorry to your sister.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40"Say sorry to your sister.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"You are NOT getting any tea until you say sorry to your sister."
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I think we should give them credit,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48because for him to get to that position
0:08:48 > 0:08:51and have a face that is that punchable...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I think is an achievement.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56What was the story? Why are they...
0:08:56 > 0:08:59It's an argument about supposedly dangerous extremism
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- in Birmingham schools.- Yes.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Surely everybody who's ever grown up in Birmingham
0:09:04 > 0:09:09has thought about blowing up most of Birmingham at some point or another?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11It's caused big problems in Birmingham.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Community problems, the radicalisation of schools
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and one side against the other. There was this brilliant thing
0:09:17 > 0:09:20in the Guardian which said...a community leader said
0:09:20 > 0:09:24there was a wider concern that there may be a witch-hunt against Muslims,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26and the phrase, which he may want to reconsider,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29he said, "In which case,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"all STAKEHOLDERS will need to work together."
0:09:39 > 0:09:43It's not nice to have another culture imposed on you at school.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47I remember when I was rushed to hospital with 80% Chinese burns.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52I would have thought the key to
0:09:52 > 0:09:55whether a school is being radicalised,
0:09:55 > 0:09:56the clue is in the Nativity play,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59when the Three Wise Men come from the East
0:09:59 > 0:10:01and are found to be on false passports
0:10:01 > 0:10:04and they're arrested under the prevention of terrorism.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I think having religious extremism taught in schools,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09it doesn't really do anyone any harm.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I had religious schooling when I was a child
0:10:12 > 0:10:17and I feel perfectly well integrated with you...hideous Proddy dogs.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Do you find you get on with this vermin perfectly well?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Well, they're all going to hell when they die, so it's fine,
0:10:26 > 0:10:30and we'll laugh at them from Catholic heaven.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33And what suggestion have they made for Ofsted inspectors?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36How should they change the way they do this?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39They said that they were going to have dawn raids,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42which I thought was probably unlikely to yield many results
0:10:42 > 0:10:46given that schools don't open at dawn.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50If you go in at dawn, there's just like a janitor going...
0:10:50 > 0:10:54"What are you doing? We don't open for another two hours."
0:10:54 > 0:10:59- Was he...?- "Yes, I'm on a gondola."
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- More canals...- They've got more canals than Venice.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06This is how janitors get to work in Birmingham.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08They ride the canals.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12At the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Katherine and Andy!
0:11:12 > 0:11:16APPLAUSE
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Our next round is called Newsreel.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
0:11:22 > 0:11:25and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27This week's clip features David Cameron
0:11:27 > 0:11:29and the England football squad.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30"Oh, good morning, you must be..."
0:11:30 > 0:11:32"Roy Hodgson, that's right, yeah."
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"I'm the Prime Minister, I'm not quite sure why I'm here,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37"my driver dropped me off this morning.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"I was hoping you might be able to elucidate for me."
0:11:39 > 0:11:44"Well, certainly, we're heading off to the jungle very soon and..."
0:11:44 > 0:11:47"I understand you're off to the jungle. I love that programme."
0:11:47 > 0:11:50"You must be Ant and you must be Dec.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"I love the bush tucker trials.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"I've had to swallow a lot in my career. Yes.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57"My pride mainly, at the European elections."
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"No, you've misunderstood Prime Minister. It's football.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"This is Daniel Sturridge, our centre forward."
0:12:03 > 0:12:06"Lovely to meet you. No idea who you are.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10"So tell me, what will the crowds be like at the World Cup?"
0:12:10 > 0:12:11"Well, Brazilians, mainly."
0:12:11 > 0:12:16"How will you know? Will they not be wearing shorts?"
0:12:16 > 0:12:18"So who did you say you were, mate?"
0:12:18 > 0:12:19"Rickie Lambert."
0:12:19 > 0:12:21"No, doesn't ring any bells.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23"One, two, nine, 12, 26...
0:12:23 > 0:12:27"Nope, that doesn't work."
0:12:27 > 0:12:31"Anyway, there I was, I slipped and then Demba Ba scored
0:12:31 > 0:12:34"so that was it for the Premiership, yeah."
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"Yeah, I saw that, yeah, that was hilarious."
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"Yeah, but at least we didn't come seventh."
0:12:39 > 0:12:43"So, Wayne, what do reckon to the group?"
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"What do you reckon to Costa Rica?"
0:12:45 > 0:12:49"Well, I like 'em, but I normally go to Cafe Nero."
0:12:50 > 0:12:52"This is what happens when they score."
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"You trot back to the halfway line,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56"you go this way to abuse the referee,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59"and then this way to tell the linesman to fuck off."
0:12:59 > 0:13:02"Very good, James, very good, but just tell me one thing,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"does my paunch look big in this?"
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"Anyway, here we go, that's me, Rickie Lambert, pass the ball
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"to Rickie. Rickie, Rickie's ball, Rickie. I'm Rickie Lambert,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"I'm here on merit, pass the ball. I'll show you what I can do.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"Oh, bollocks!"
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Well done, Hugh.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Now we play a round called The Archbishop of Banterbury.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32This game involves Romesh and Milton.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48So the first subject is Going Out. Who wants to come in on that?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I don't like going out.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59I don't like going out because I don't look as good as I used to
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and I worry about it. I've put on weight,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03and I think, "Oh, I don't look all right."
0:14:03 > 0:14:05And then I think, "Hold on a minute, I'm married.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"I don't need to look good."
0:14:07 > 0:14:11I just need to look better than the prospect of single parenting.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18And I think I've got that in the tank, you know what I mean?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I went out a while ago, I went out a while ago,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I was out with my friends. We're all in our 30s.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26We look like awful tribute acts of us in our 20s.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28There's guys there, they're in their 20s
0:14:28 > 0:14:30looking ripped and amazing,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32and I'm thinking, are they going to make us feel bad,
0:14:32 > 0:14:33make us feel awkward,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36are they going to make us feel like we're stepping on their turf?
0:14:36 > 0:14:40The truth is, they ignore us. Of course they do.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Why should they care? You see a pride of lions hunting gazelle,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47they're not going to give a shit when a three-legged hyena rocks up.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53It comes to the end of the night, this absolutely gorgeous girl
0:14:53 > 0:14:56walks up to me, does not break eye contact for a second,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I said, "Hello, this is happening."
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I can phone my wife, tell her I've still got it.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06The girl walks up to me, says to me, no word of a lie, "Taxi for Rachel."
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Thank you very much, Romesh.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17OK, that leaves us with Milton.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Let's see what topic you've been left with, spin the wheel.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23The topic is Romance.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I met my wife on the net.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36We were both rubbish trapeze artists.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43It's terrible, isn't it, when someone doesn't want to live with you
0:15:43 > 0:15:47any more. A part of you is thinking you won't survive in the real world.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51A part of you is thinking at least I will be rid of your drunken arguing.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Ladies and gentlemen, we need to let the Scottish people go.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Any Scottish people here?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02SCATTERED CHEERS
0:16:02 > 0:16:04You can go.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13A girl came up to me the other day, going...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16# Footloose, footloose... #
0:16:16 > 0:16:17then her foot fell off.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down on the pedal.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28It turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38A girl came up to me once and she said,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42"You know I can tell someone's personality by what kind of car they drive."
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I said, "I haven't got one."
0:16:48 > 0:16:51So, lads, so, lads, do you ever get given a job to do
0:16:51 > 0:16:56and you deliberately do it really, really badly so you never get
0:16:56 > 0:16:57given that job again?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I mean, I hardly know CPR anyway.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07My wife is giving me the silent treatment at the moment,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10lying there day after day.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13She's beginning to smell a bit now.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21OK, points to both of you there, come on back.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27All right, the next round is called
0:17:27 > 0:17:29If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31On the board are six categories.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Katherine, which category would you like?
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Sport.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37OK, your category is Sport. And the answer is "32 days".
0:17:37 > 0:17:39What is the question?
0:17:39 > 0:17:44Is it at what age was Romesh able to achieve a full beard?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51It's a celebration. It's a celebration of your culture.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Is it, according to the people who I recently bought a couch from,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57how long is ten working days?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Is it, due to BBC budget cuts, how far into the future
0:18:03 > 0:18:06is Doctor Who going to be travelling in the next series?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11How long was my friend Leigh in hospital
0:18:11 > 0:18:13when we saw the sign for Burnley?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Is it how would Joey Essex describe a fortnight?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Is it the total amount of time that an average Big Brother contestant
0:18:24 > 0:18:26has spent in full-time education?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32How long does it take the Elephant Man to exfoliate?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- GROANS - Oh, what, yeah?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Too soon.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39According to his tax return,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42how many days did Gary Barlow work last year?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Is it the number of days before One Direction
0:18:46 > 0:18:50can safely give a urine sample?
0:18:51 > 0:18:56Is it, can you think of a rhyme for Songs Of Praise?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01They are really going to...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I think I have actually, genuinely lost my mind.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07OK, we need to move towards a correct answer.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11What length of menstrual cycle would keep you permanently nervous?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Is it how long the World Cup is going to last?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Yes, it is. Very, very good. Thank you very much, Katherine.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Yes, of course. The question I was looking for was,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33how long will the 2014 World Cup tournament last?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36This is the 20th World Cup that kicked off in Brazil tonight.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Tonight, I feel awful for reminding you of that.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42And thus the last 15 viewers go, "Oh, I'd forgotten."
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Are you all looking forward to the World Cup?
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Are you going to enjoy it?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49The heat is going to affect us in the first game.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Apparently they are worried the heat is going to affect
0:19:52 > 0:19:54decision-making capabilities.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Now, let's face it, Wayne Rooney's decision-making capabilities
0:19:58 > 0:20:00weren't at their strongest anyway.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03"Wife or prostitute? Wife or prostitute?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07"Prostitute. Young or old? Young or old?"
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I can confirm it's true. I've made some big mistakes in Ibiza.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18They're apparently going to lose ten pints of fluid.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21You're thinking, if Wayne Rooney plays 90 minutes,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23he's going to evaporate.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26The worry about that, though...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- (SLURS)- ..is that they will consume ten pints of fluid
0:20:28 > 0:20:29before they go on.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Presumably they realise that doesn't have to be beer.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38It doesn't have to be beer, but it has to be beer for the joke, Dara.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:45 > 0:20:48How are the Brazilians going to make sure fans are safe?
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Not at all. They keep themselves safe with giant Robocop costumes
0:20:53 > 0:20:55but I don't see how that helps the fans.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57The idea is that because Brazil is riven by riots,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00they are presenting their new crowd control outfits,
0:21:00 > 0:21:05which for some reason were presented in a Regency drawing room.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07MIMES A STRING QUARTET PLAYING
0:21:07 > 0:21:09"You have ten seconds to comply!"
0:21:11 > 0:21:12That is, in fact...
0:21:12 > 0:21:16"But Mr Darcy, with this new riot shield..."
0:21:16 > 0:21:20It is in fact the new janitors' uniform at Birmingham schools.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22He won't be able to punt to school in that.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Difficult to get the arms out.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26They've got policemen in these Robocop suits,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28but please God they've told the policemen
0:21:28 > 0:21:29they're not actually Robocop.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32The idea is that there's face recognition software
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- they'll be able to use. - What, like eyes?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Sorry, are you saying that
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Brazilian policemen don't know what a face looks like?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44No, specific faces, not just...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"Arse, elbow, face."
0:21:49 > 0:21:51But I think this is, "Bad guy, bad guy," the face will come up.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53But I would love that,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56if I was able to wear something that would just, in my ear, go,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59"That's Diane, she's a friend of your girlfriend's sister."
0:21:59 > 0:22:01That kind of thing.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Yes, I have to say,
0:22:02 > 0:22:06it doesn't feel like the country's got football fever in any kind of,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09there aren't taxis with the George's Cross in the window,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12there's a lot less of that than there used to be.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15The only piece of really exciting memorabilia we found,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I think it was on sale in ASDA during the week, this is great.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21It's great for a number of reasons, not least the name of it,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24which we can show, it's called "wearing flag".
0:22:24 > 0:22:26As in, "I've got me wearing flag!"
0:22:26 > 0:22:31- Not wearable?- Not wearable, not to be worn. "Me wearing flag."
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Then you actually get the flag out.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35It may seem slightly transgressive to any of you watching in Ireland,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I will now drape myself in the English flag,
0:22:38 > 0:22:39but trust me, it is worth it
0:22:39 > 0:22:44because it has been slightly, slightly controversial, this one,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46for a reason, I can't quite figure
0:22:46 > 0:22:49why this has been as controversial as it has been.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:52 > 0:22:53That is...
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I can't see any,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02any kind of negative connotations of this at all(!)
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I'll tell you what, that Gandalf's let himself go, hasn't he?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Romesh, if you were walking down the street and a number of men,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11enthusiastic English supporters,
0:23:11 > 0:23:15happened to be walking down the street towards you,
0:23:15 > 0:23:16they've just been to ASDA,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19they'd also bought the burnable lawn crosses.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24It's bizarre!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30"Oh, you'll find the Death Star will be quite operational
0:23:30 > 0:23:32"when your friends arrive."
0:23:33 > 0:23:36APPLAUSE
0:23:37 > 0:23:38That's fantastic!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- ROMESH:- The thing that's so difficult is, you...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:47You look racist but you look so adorable.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50APPLAUSE
0:23:50 > 0:23:52What would help is if you had a flake
0:23:52 > 0:23:54sticking out the side of your head.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03APPLAUSE
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:24:11 > 0:24:12I'll read out this week's topics
0:24:12 > 0:24:16and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17OK, here we go.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19The first subject is...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I know we didn't follow through on all that bollocks we said before,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29but this time we REALLY mean it!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35We in the Green Party think we've had a cracking election.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Nobody's voted for us, but they've
0:24:37 > 0:24:42put all the electoral literature from us in the correct recycling bin.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46APPLAUSE
0:24:48 > 0:24:49We will get rid of obesity
0:24:49 > 0:24:52by making the doors to chip shops really narrow.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I visited a factory today.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05And the man let me ride on the forklift. It was good.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13We are not a racist party.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Though we are throwing a racist party tonight for Nigel's birthday.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Farage, this is my bunk bed.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25UKIP on the top bunk.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29APPLAUSE
0:25:29 > 0:25:31For goodness' sake, Boris,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34when we said "press the flesh with the electorate,"
0:25:34 > 0:25:36we meant shake hands.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I'm probably going to vote Lib Dem.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48APPLAUSE
0:25:48 > 0:25:49I think the best way for me
0:25:49 > 0:25:51to explain why you should vote Conservative
0:25:51 > 0:25:52is with this rap.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Nick Clegg has demanded a recount. Here we go.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03One. Happy now?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09The public have spoken.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10And they said that I'm a knob.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18We will shorten the waiting list for eye operations
0:26:18 > 0:26:23by building hospitals on the far side of busy roads.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30We plan to replace the glass ceiling for women
0:26:30 > 0:26:32with something much easier to clean.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37APPLAUSE
0:26:37 > 0:26:38OK, the next topic is...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- GRAVELLY VOICE:- One man...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48fights his greatest peril.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Laryngitis.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55APPLAUSE
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Troy, certificate 15.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04If you're too young, why don't you make a giant wooden adult...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11APPLAUSE
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler in...
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Well, doesn't matter, does it? It's going to be shit anyway.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:22 > 0:27:25A UKIP film presentation -
0:27:25 > 0:27:27101 Damn Asians.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31APPLAUSE
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Tom Cruise in the most ludicrous sci-fi thriller yet -
0:27:34 > 0:27:36a Scientology documentary.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42This summer, Russell Crowe is...
0:27:42 > 0:27:43punching people.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Randomly. In...
0:27:45 > 0:27:46the face.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53From the makers of Cocka 1...
0:27:53 > 0:27:54HE CAWS
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Cocka 2.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Do you want to build a snowman?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Do you want to have the words to Let It Go in your head
0:28:08 > 0:28:09all the time until you die?!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Then come see Frozen.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13I dare you!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Thor. You'll be amazed at how many problems can be solved
0:28:20 > 0:28:23by a big man with a massive hammer.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:33I Can't Read Productions presents...
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Salmon Fishing in the Semen... Yemen.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44"Look! An ancient African city!"
0:28:44 > 0:28:47From the makers of Timbuk 1...
0:28:52 > 0:28:56APPLAUSE
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Russell Crowe stars as Bob Marley.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02The accent's so offensive you won't even care that he blacked up.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09APPLAUSE
0:29:09 > 0:29:11No, this isn't The Day The Earth Stood Still.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13It's just that you're in Norfolk.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Tom Cruise! Explosions! A flash of boob!
0:29:22 > 0:29:24That'll do you.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Despicable Me 3 -
0:29:29 > 0:29:32now starring, as the arch-villain Gru,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Dara O Briain.
0:29:35 > 0:29:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:41 > 0:29:44"It looks like a runner bean, only smaller."
0:29:44 > 0:29:46From the makers of Mange 1...
0:29:50 > 0:29:54APPLAUSE
0:29:56 > 0:29:59"I only told you to blow the bloody door off!"
0:29:59 > 0:30:03In cinemas now, The Oscar Pistorius Story.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07GROANING, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:07 > 0:30:11At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15APPLAUSE
0:30:17 > 0:30:19And that's the end of the show.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:25 > 0:30:26Commiserations to Andy Parsons,
0:30:26 > 0:30:30Katherine Ryan and Romesh Ranganathan.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.