0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to "Mock the Week."
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm Dara O Briain - joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe
0:00:39 > 0:00:42and Josh Widdicombe, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We start with a round called Picture of the Week.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:00:55 > 0:00:58what's happening. So, what's going on here?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Is it a PR stunt by the Conservatives that in order
0:01:02 > 0:01:03to look more human,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06they all have to be followed around by a Dalek at all times?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Is it actually just the worst pairing
0:01:09 > 0:01:10ever on Strictly Come Dancing?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Is this not David Cameron meeting the only 70's television star
0:01:16 > 0:01:18not being investigated by Operation Yewtree?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Is the Dalek saying, "Don't worry, David, I know what its like to
0:01:26 > 0:01:27"have doctors hate you as well?"
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I actually think the Dalek could be worried that the TARDIS is
0:01:34 > 0:01:38broken cos he's asked for 2014 and he's got out and he's like, "Friends
0:01:38 > 0:01:43"is on TV, there's a war in Iraq, someone just left Take That, and a
0:01:43 > 0:01:46"famous sportsman got off for killing his partner. I'm back in the 90's."
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Is it just Dr Who regenerates as twat?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I like the idea that David Cameron has walked by
0:01:56 > 0:01:59and somebody just goes to the Dalek, "You had one job."
0:02:03 > 0:02:04APPLAUSE
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Is the Dalek simply going, "Ex-public school?"
0:02:13 > 0:02:17It's weird because it looks like he hasn't even noticed the Dalek.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19He's only blanking it because they slept together once.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30"Do you not remember me?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"You held me, you held me.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37"You said you could get me work in PR."
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Does anybody know why Cameron is in the news at the moment?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46This is the Conservative Party Conference which is being held in Birmingham.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Absolutely. Thank you very much, well done, Hugh.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Yes, it's a picture of David Cameron, who faced a difficult start
0:02:54 > 0:02:57to this year's Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham this week.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Why, what overshadowed the conference?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Well, Mark Reckless defected over to UKIP.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Indeed he did.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05In some ways its quite a surprise, isn't it,
0:03:05 > 0:03:09that UKIP accepted a defection from another party because
0:03:09 > 0:03:12they don't really like outsiders coming in taking their jobs.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I like Mark... Well, I don't like Mark Reckless but I like his name.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Yeah.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27He could be a 80s cop. I'd like to see a drama where Reckless is
0:03:27 > 0:03:30thrown off the case, that's what I'd like to see.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32The other guy who's defected is called Carswell
0:03:32 > 0:03:34so that's quite a good team, isn't it?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Reckless and Carswell.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38You're off the case, Reckless.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40We're going to bring in Brian Irresponsible.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Yeah, but prior to this the thing
0:03:43 > 0:03:45that he's most famous for, Mark Reckless, is he got too
0:03:45 > 0:03:49drunk in the House of Commons and was incapable of voting.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52He couldn't actually get out of the bar door, if you remember,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54he was trying to open the bar door to go and vote,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57and he kept on opening it on his own foot, without
0:03:57 > 0:04:00realising that it was his own foot in the way.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02And you're guessing
0:04:02 > 0:04:06he's probably been trying to leave the Conservative Party for years.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14They were very angry. Very angry at him.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16A lot of people were calling him Judas and he hates that
0:04:16 > 0:04:18because that's an immigrant's name.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23The problem for all parties though, when people defect,
0:04:23 > 0:04:26is you can defect whenever you want to cause the maximum damage.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28But presumably, you can get round that
0:04:28 > 0:04:30if you just had like a defection window, couldn't you?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34You could have it like a transfer window, and then you could
0:04:34 > 0:04:37have people defecting you could have deadline day.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Oh, that would be exciting.- And it could all be covered by SKY News.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42So you could have Tories going to UKIP, a couple of Lib Dems
0:04:42 > 0:04:46going to Labour. A Labour bloke joins Stoke City by mistake.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Peter Odemwingie drives to the UKIP training ground.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58He just hangs around, hoping to force their hand into taking him.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01What would be the UKIP medical?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04There's one medical, are you white? That's the medical, isn't it?
0:05:04 > 0:05:09We've done the skin test and he seems to be passing it very well.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Do you fancy a curry. No.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17The best candidate we've ever had.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21There is the fact, as well, that he did leave on Conference day
0:05:21 > 0:05:24it was just like dumping someone on their birthday.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26That's why he's so upset, "You've gone. You're making us
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"all insecure. Just going to get some highlights. Is it
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"cos they've got a tighter immigration policy than me?"
0:05:34 > 0:05:36That wasn't all that happened. What other
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- set backs did the Conservatives suffer just before the Conference? - We've been looking forward to this.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43This is the man, the Conservative MP, who exposed himself over
0:05:43 > 0:05:47social media whilst wearing his blue and red paisley pyjamas.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- What was his name? - Brooks Newmark.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Oh, it's quite the romantic novelist name, isn't it?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Mark Reckless is the crazy cop on the edge
0:05:55 > 0:05:59but Brooks Newmark is your first pet and the road you grew up on.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Brooks Newmark.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Do you think he looks like, if you pumped up Ed Miliband
0:06:10 > 0:06:13and you just slowly let the air out of him.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I find myself in the odd... I don't normally feel this way
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- but I feel sorry for him. - I know, I do as well.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- He got stung by a journalist... - Yeah.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- ..pretending to be a girl... - Yeah.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Sent him lewd photographs of another girl.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I know, I know, I have sympathy for him as well.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33But the penis is not an attractive...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36No seduction is worked by going, "Well, wait till you see this.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40"This is a very beautiful thing."
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I know it's a generalisation for women, but they don't find
0:06:45 > 0:06:48men's bits - I think, visually, well that's particularly lovely.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Is that why there's the little opening at the front of the pyjamas.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53It's specifically designed for that, yeah.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57In order for you to get your junk out, quick photo, pop them back in again.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00In the olden days you'd just pop it out of your pyjamas,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02quickly draw a charcoal sketch,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04fold it up, give it to a carrier pigeon,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- then take it to a local madam. - Or there's brass rubbing
0:07:07 > 0:07:09but you've got to be careful as it gets bigger as you go on.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17There is a generational element to this.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22It's very much the lingua franca for young people and their... Josh,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24please, you're a young man.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Is it common now just to say, "Hello, you look very nice."
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Click Click. "Here you go."
0:07:30 > 0:07:32It's the standard form of address, I'm told.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I wasn't expecting to be put on the spot, Dara, but,
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I can say that one of you has received a photo of me
0:07:41 > 0:07:45already this evening and when you all go back to your dressing rooms,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48my cock is on your phone, Dara.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52That is, I mean...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I thought it would be preloaded anyway like the U2 Album.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01That would be very exciting.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I tell you what people would be complaining about the space
0:08:03 > 0:08:05it was taking up on their phone.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I'm going to need 32 gig for this baby.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Can we move on to the actual meeting itself?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17The Conservative Party Conference, how has that gone?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19How have the Conservatives, in the light of all these scandals,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22won back the hearts and minds of the British public?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Cameron wants to bring back the idea that you'll have your own
0:08:24 > 0:08:26doctor again. They want to extend GP hours
0:08:26 > 0:08:30and also you won't see any GP, you'll have your own GP. Which I
0:08:30 > 0:08:33like the idea of. In my surgery, you don't know which one you're going
0:08:33 > 0:08:36to see and sometimes you arrive and they've got one of those electronic
0:08:36 > 0:08:39arrive for your appointment things rather than talk to a receptionist.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41They feel its a more efficient way of spreading disease,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44if you all have to touch a screen.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46And sometimes it will say
0:08:46 > 0:08:48you go and see this doctor, that doctor
0:08:48 > 0:08:50but sometimes it doesn't know and one time I have gone in and
0:08:50 > 0:08:57its actually gone, "You are seeing Dr Unknown." Ah, my old nemesis.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01We meet again, Dr Unknown.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05People are worried about immigration.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07People are defecting to UKIP
0:09:07 > 0:09:10and so to counter that they have come up with this amazing
0:09:10 > 0:09:15policy which is that if you... If a parent or something dies and he
0:09:15 > 0:09:18leaves a pension they are going to reduce the tax that you have to pay
0:09:18 > 0:09:23after death. You kind of think is that exciting in any sense?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Yes, to rich people that is enormously exciting.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I don't understand it. What about zombies?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Zombies is a legal grey area.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Do they have to pay it, or do they get a rebate.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41They don't get a rebate
0:09:41 > 0:09:44but they only have to pay a lower rate of tax on
0:09:44 > 0:09:46when they draw down the lump sum
0:09:46 > 0:09:48that they had previously invested but not taken.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Presuming they became a zombie after 75 but before 75,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55of course, they get the same series of monthly payments.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I had a really good analogy for this because I think its really
0:10:03 > 0:10:05terrifying these voiceless people,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07vulnerable people having their benefits cut
0:10:07 > 0:10:09and the trouble with Tories is they tell you,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12they kind of sell you this idea that its these people's faults.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13So this is my analogy.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16So I don't know if you've noticed but girls, when they are in the toilets,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19some girls hover, because they think that public toilets are disgusting.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21What, off the floor?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Yes! It's amazing, we can do that.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27You are amazing.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30We only do it in secret or you'll love us too much.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36So girls hover above the toilet seat and then they wee and that means
0:10:36 > 0:10:39what they do is they kind of spray a fine mist all over the toilet seat,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41which means if you're a trusting person who doesn't think that
0:10:41 > 0:10:44toilets are disgusting, you just sit down and then you're covered
0:10:44 > 0:10:47with somebody else's urine and you have to take it off. Actually,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49the point is, if no-one ever hovered,
0:10:49 > 0:10:50everyone could sit on toilets,
0:10:50 > 0:10:54it would be fine for everyone. It's just like the Tories, do you see?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:58 > 0:11:01That is...
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I think we can all get behind that as a political slogan -
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"nobody ever hovers."
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I don't know whether I like girls more or less after that.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12I'm just glad that I'm not the only one who hovers.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:20At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Sara and Andy.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Now we play a round called UKIP Me All Night, Baby.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32This involves Josh and James.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44OK, here we go, spin the wheel.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46So the first subject is Adventure.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Who wants to come in on that? James.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I'm not a very adventurous person,
0:11:52 > 0:11:56I've only ever used one side of a cheese grater.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:06I've got no idea what the other three sides even do.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07I'm not the only one either.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Everyone knows what side I'm talking about, right?
0:12:10 > 0:12:15Big holes. I've got no time for small holes
0:12:15 > 0:12:17and tiny holes. I don't know if you've ever seen...
0:12:17 > 0:12:20It's the roughest side of anything I've ever seen in my life.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Small holes. It's rows of tiny spikes, the only time I'm going to
0:12:22 > 0:12:26use that side is in self-defence. Then you've got to wash it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I don't know how you negotiate that.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35How you wash something that is rougher than your own scouring pad.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Interestingly, the only thing rough enough to wash a cheese
0:12:46 > 0:12:48grater is a second cheese grater.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I refuse to believe that anyone has ever used the side with
0:12:53 > 0:12:58the three curvy slits in it. Don't need 'em.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Get rid of 'em, replace them with something that
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I would actually use in my day-to-day cheese needs.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Like, for me it would be a device that,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08in one smooth downward motion, completely
0:13:08 > 0:13:14unwraps a Babybel. Someone told me the three curvy slits they
0:13:14 > 0:13:17use for slicing cheese...apparently.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20That's the word on the street.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Now, if I'm going to slice cheese,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25my first port of call is seldom the grater.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Call me old-fashioned, I'm a knife man. I might be a fuddy duddy,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38but I like it, it's unpredictable.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40You always start out...
0:13:44 > 0:13:49And you're thinking, well, this cheese cutting is going excellently.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Oh, yeah. You just pass the halfway mark
0:13:52 > 0:13:54and the cheese takes over.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:02 > 0:14:04You can't reverse it, it's made its mind up now,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07and, yeah, now you've got a slice of cheese that's half the size
0:14:07 > 0:14:11you wanted in the first place...but at least you've got some stories.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14APPLAUSE
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Thank you, James, for comprehensively dealing with
0:14:22 > 0:14:24the topic of Adventure there!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:28 > 0:14:29It's all right, mate.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32OK, that leaves us with Josh, let's see what you've been left with.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37Let's spin the wheel. And it's Crime, away you go.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42So, I had my cheese grater stolen.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I got burgled, not for the cheese grater.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56When you get burgled, everyone says the same thing to you -
0:14:56 > 0:15:00"Tell you what the worst thing about being burgled is, strangers have
0:15:00 > 0:15:02"been through your things."
0:15:02 > 0:15:03You're going, "No,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06"the worst thing about being burgled
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"is knowing a stranger HAS my things."
0:15:10 > 0:15:14If they had just been browsing, I wouldn't have given a shit.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Offer me two options, one, I come home and my laptop is gone,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22or two, I come home and I find a stranger in my room going,
0:15:22 > 0:15:27"Well, I like this T-shirt, but have you got it in a large?"
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I phoned my dad and said, I've been burgled, and he said,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32"You know why you've been burgled and we haven't,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35"it's because we're in the Neighbourhood Watch."
0:15:35 > 0:15:40I said, "No, it isn't, it's cos you live in Devon, in a small
0:15:40 > 0:15:42"village in the middle of nothing but mile upon mile of moorland.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45"I mean, no-one's going to burgle you because whatever they took,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47"it wouldn't cover their petrol money."
0:15:47 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:51From what I can tell, the only proactive thing
0:15:51 > 0:15:55the Neighbourhood Watch does is, once a month they have a meeting.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59All that does, it tells burglars, for one night out of every 30,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02all houses are empty and unwatched.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04There's this paranoia about crime back in Devon,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07where I'm from. I went back recently and I went into the local Co-op,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10and it's a tiny Co-op in a tiny village. I went up to the desk
0:16:10 > 0:16:14and there was a sign that said, "Did you know, we now do legal advice?"
0:16:14 > 0:16:16And obviously my first reaction was,
0:16:16 > 0:16:21"No." To be honest, I was pleasantly surprised you did
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Sugar Puffs.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Why is the Co-op now doing legal advice? Are too many people coming
0:16:30 > 0:16:34in going, "I'll have ten Silk Cut, a Viennetta, and I've killed a man"?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Well done, very good. Well done, both of you.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Points for that go to James Acaster! Come on and sit down.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Our next round is called,
0:16:52 > 0:16:53If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55On the board are six categories.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57James, which category would you like?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I would like Sport, please, Dara.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03OK, Sport it is. And the answer is:
0:17:05 > 0:17:06What is the question?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09How many Buzzcocks have got news for you?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Is it, how many Tory MPs are currently trying to delete
0:17:18 > 0:17:22their WhatsApp photo messages as we speak?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24It's a sports question. Is it, how many of the hairs
0:17:24 > 0:17:27on Wayne Rooney's head started on his arse?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:17:31 > 0:17:35I think that's where they get them, isn't it? When you have that done?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Yes. I haven't had it done. No, I haven't had that done.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39No, I didn't say you'd had it done!
0:17:39 > 0:17:44How clean shaven would my arse be if this is me after the transplant?
0:17:44 > 0:17:48You might have had it done the other way.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50You think I got my...?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56It's lovely, its very comfortable now. Shall we move on?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Here's one that four people will get.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03In the un-aired finale
0:18:03 > 0:18:07of Star Trek Voyager, who did Seven of Nine marry?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09LAUGHTER
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Is it, how many people watched Emma Watson's speech
0:18:15 > 0:18:17for the wrong reasons?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Is it, how many people in my hip-hop dance troupe are not twins?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24LAUGHTER
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- Are you one of the twins? - Yeah.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Are you?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Yeah. Yeah, why not?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Is it, if you ask Kanye West to name ten people he admires,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41how many people would be Kanye West?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Is it, how many Strictly celebrities are having affairs
0:18:48 > 0:18:51with their dance partners?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56What are my rough chances of happiness every time
0:18:56 > 0:18:59I dip into a bag of Revels?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- The coffee, is it? - I don't like the coffee.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- I'm not fond of the orange. - Do you not like the orange?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I don't like the coffee at all and I'm not fond of the orange.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Do not push me on this. I swear to God I will take your
0:19:11 > 0:19:13fucking eye out.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Woah, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I've said this before, let it go on the Revels.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23Just buy a bag of Minstrels, Ed, I say this to you constantly.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27How many of the answers in this round won't be broadcast?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Now, does anyone want to try and answer the question?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I think this is, actually, how many times Europe have beaten
0:19:38 > 0:19:39America in the Ryder Cup.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Very good, thank you very much, Sara, that's fantastic.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Yes, the question I was looking for was about the Ryder Cup,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49how many of the Ryder Cup tournaments have the European
0:19:49 > 0:19:51team now won over the last two decades?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54This was the 40th Ryder Cup, which saw the European team win 16.5
0:19:54 > 0:19:57to 11.5 against the United States at Gleneagles this weekend,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59continuing their domination since the mid-'90s.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Have you been gripped? I would turn to you,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04but you probably were. Ed, have you been gripped?
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Ah, the golf, it's like football but slower.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Seeing all these Europeans getting on so well together,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19loving being part of a team together.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22UKIP must hate the Ryder Cup.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25What I thought was so odd about this, so the Ryder Cup used to
0:20:25 > 0:20:29be between Britain and America, and then we kept losing all the time
0:20:29 > 0:20:31so then we made it Britain
0:20:31 > 0:20:34and Ireland against America. And then we kept losing all the time.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37so now we've made it the whole of Europe against America.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39And now we win all the time which means they're going to
0:20:39 > 0:20:41add on another country, like Russia.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44And then we're going to have to add on another country, like Sp...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47No, Spain's in Europe, Sara. Think it through!
0:20:47 > 0:20:50They're going to add on another country, so eventually
0:20:50 > 0:20:53everyone in the world will be playing in this competition apart from women.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01What was Rory McIlroy wearing to help him deal with the cold?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- It was like oven gloves. - Oh, was it for the cold?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Yeah, why did you think he was wearing...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Did you think he was doing a puppet show about two sharks?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12He'd won the Ryder Cup,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15and he'd also got through to the semifinals of The Great British Bake Off, so...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17It would have been a lot better
0:21:17 > 0:21:20if he'd also worn one of those aprons with a naked woman's body on it.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23At least he's got the good oven gloves which is like two separate ones,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26and not the ones that are one oven glove for each hand,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29and then that filthy hammock...
0:21:31 > 0:21:35That's the most bacteria-ridden bit of fabric in your entire house.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37"What are you using it for? Handling food? Nice one."
0:21:39 > 0:21:44In other news, who has David Cameron had to apologise to in the last week?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- The Queen.- The Queen. Yeah.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Because he told - I think it was the ex-Mayor of New York, wasn't it,
0:21:49 > 0:21:50and it was overheard by a journalist,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54he said that when the Queen heard the Scottish referendum result, she purred.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Which apparently she does.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57What he didn't say
0:21:57 > 0:22:00is that when she doesn't like something she goes, "Baa!"
0:22:01 > 0:22:06Did she purr, or is that not just the sound that a phone makes when you hang up on somebody?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10But I do like the idea of the Queen purring.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I think that would make a fantastic Christmas message. Wouldn't it?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15She's sat there on the little armchair,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17she's got a little saucer of milk,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20a little scratching post on the other side,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- and just going... - HE PURRS
0:22:22 > 0:22:27Would the Duke of Edinburgh be scratching her behind the neck? Is that what happened?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Oh, sorry, I touched you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Hello... That's how it starts! That's how it starts.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Everyone saw that, right?
0:22:33 > 0:22:37What's under the desk? Get up and show us what's under the desk!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Sarah, quickly - hover.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Hover out of here right now.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Tell you what, that is the furthest I've ever been with a girl.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I get that on the one level - yes, she's like a cat,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58we feed her and she treats us with a fair amount of contempt...
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I'm disappointed that in the most candid revelation of what she's like on the phone
0:23:06 > 0:23:09it was just a bit of a purr. That he didn't say,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12"..And I told her it's OK, Scotland have decided to stay,"
0:23:12 > 0:23:16and she said, "Oh, get in, ya fucking beauty!"
0:23:21 > 0:23:25At the end of that round the points go to Ed, Hugh and James!
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Now, Scenes We'd Like to See. So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37I'll read out this week's topics, and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40OK. Here we go, the first subject is...
0:23:44 > 0:23:48And Hamilton takes the chequered flag...
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Give back the chequered flag!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52BUZZER
0:23:54 > 0:23:57And you join us tonight for the boxing -
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I really hope a fight doesn't kick off like last...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Guys... Guys, can't we just talk about...? Ohhh...
0:24:03 > 0:24:04BUZZER
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Welcome to under-16s badminton,
0:24:08 > 0:24:12where the players are still laughing at the word "shuttlecock".
0:24:12 > 0:24:13BUZZER
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Oh, and the club has connected beautifully there.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23But according to World Boxing Federation rules
0:24:23 > 0:24:25that's an instant disqualification.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27BUZZER
0:24:28 > 0:24:32And Switzerland takes the gold...
0:24:32 > 0:24:36and hangs onto it even after the Second World War is over.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37BUZZER
0:24:40 > 0:24:43He turns, he shoots...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46and that is a horrible end to the Grand National.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49BUZZER
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Say what you like about dressage...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I couldn't give a shit.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58BUZZER
0:24:59 > 0:25:01And Slippery Bastard is in first, all arms and legs,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03second Bellyflop Boy coming in on the inside -
0:25:03 > 0:25:07yes, I HAVE forgotten the swimmers' names and have resorted to funny nicknames.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10BUZZER
0:25:12 > 0:25:17And you join me here in Helsinki for the final of the curling, and you know what that means -
0:25:17 > 0:25:20my career is going shit.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23BUZZER
0:25:23 > 0:25:25And the referee checks his watch...
0:25:25 > 0:25:28and realises it was given by the Brazilian FA,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31he's going to have to return it.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32BUZZER
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Oh-ho, so will it be Oxford, will it be Cambridge...
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Who will provide most of the new Cabinet?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42BUZZER
0:25:45 > 0:25:47And there's a streaker on the pitch.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Two words - hubba, hubba.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52BUZZER
0:25:53 > 0:25:54And as they take the last bend,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57that is the end of the Bend Stealing Championships.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59BUZZER
0:26:01 > 0:26:04And it's the relay, and he's made a grab for the baton -
0:26:04 > 0:26:09ooh, that's not the baton...but he's got a smile on his face anyway...
0:26:09 > 0:26:11BUZZER
0:26:13 > 0:26:16And Rosberg makes a mistake - he runs wide into turn two...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Why is he running?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Get in the car, you twat!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23BUZZER
0:26:26 > 0:26:27OK, the next topic is...
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Next up on Channel 5,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37a woman has a painful wrist...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40in RSI Miami.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43BUZZER
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Of course I dusted for prints. I'm his cleaner.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49And he prefers to be known as The Artist Formerly KNOWN As Prince.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53BUZZER
0:26:55 > 0:26:57How did I recognise him from just his genitalia?
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Well...
0:27:02 > 0:27:05..it was the red and blue paisley pyjamas round the outside.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07BUZZER
0:27:10 > 0:27:12SHE SPEAKS COD SCANDINAVIAN
0:27:14 > 0:27:17SHE SPEAKS COD SCANDINAVIAN
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Do you not speak Danish?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29This week Rosemary and Thyme are joined by two Indian detectives...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Turmeric and Chilli.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33BUZZER
0:27:36 > 0:27:39You're going to arrest me, for making lewd and childish innuendos?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I hope you don't expect me to come quietly.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49This week there's panic in Midsomer,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52as they meet their first black man.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56BUZZER
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Ah, you said it was a whodunnit?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Yeah, we arrested Hugh Dennis.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07BUZZER
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I think I have solved it, Watson.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14No shit, Sherlock.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17BUZZER
0:28:19 > 0:28:24There has been a heinous crime committed on the Orient Express.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Somebody has done a shit while the train was still in a station.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32BUZZER
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Leave me alone, Watson,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39I'm going to go back into my mind palace,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42and have the wank of a lifetime.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44BUZZER
0:28:45 > 0:28:50Yeah. The murderer has cut out the victim's tongue.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Let's get that back to the lab. I've got some envelopes need licking.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58BUZZER
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Now, Constable,
0:29:00 > 0:29:04the fact that you've had to redo the chalk outline 17 times
0:29:04 > 0:29:08should surely be an indication that the victim is still alive.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12BUZZER
0:29:15 > 0:29:18I shoot my gun like I shoot my load...
0:29:18 > 0:29:19into my hand.
0:29:23 > 0:29:24BUZZER
0:29:24 > 0:29:27PROLONGED LAUGHTER
0:29:32 > 0:29:35You're under arrest - you're not obliged to say anything,
0:29:35 > 0:29:39but anything you do say means you'll be an actor rather than an extra and you get paid a bit more.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45BUZZER
0:29:45 > 0:29:46So you say that at the time of the murder
0:29:46 > 0:29:50you were hosting Daybreak on ITV.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52So there's no witnesses to corroborate this.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56BUZZER
0:29:57 > 0:30:00Hello, we're the fashion police. Let's see the body.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Ooh - blue with green, he DESERVES to die.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07BUZZER
0:30:07 > 0:30:10End of the game, and the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and Josh Widdicombe!
0:30:20 > 0:30:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:23 > 0:30:27Commiserations to Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain - goodnight!