0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe
0:00:40 > 0:00:42and Josh Widdicombe,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54We start tonight with a game called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57I show the panel a topical image for the week, so teams,
0:00:57 > 0:01:02here's your picture but why has this man been in the news this week?
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Has someone just said to him,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06"Give me one good reason why Labour won't win the General Election"?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I think he's swallowed some milk
0:01:13 > 0:01:16and he's going to do his impression of the human zit.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21What this seems to be saying to me is he's going,
0:01:21 > 0:01:25"If you want to hear crap, this is where it comes from."
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Well, actually, they say that the distance between a man's thumb
0:01:30 > 0:01:32and his forefinger is the likelihood of him
0:01:32 > 0:01:34ever getting elected Prime Minister.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Is he about to demonstrate how he thinks gay men have sex?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46And they don't do that. They don't do it.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48They have no interest in them at all.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49You know, just for the once,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52you'd just go, "Come on. We'll just do it once." Boing! Yeah!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Dara, you're there in the background. Can't you tell us what he said?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I'm getting scared.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06It's not me! You can't...
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I'm sorry, the Lookey-Likey Dara Game is quite clear, right?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12You can't just point to any large bald man and go...
0:02:12 > 0:02:15You don't know he's large. He's about three foot, by the look of it.
0:02:17 > 0:02:23I think what he's doing, he's going, "I am the Phil Neville of politics."
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I'm going to accept that as a correct answer.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Yes, it is the Labour leader Ed Miliband in the news this week,
0:02:36 > 0:02:37as he's been attacked by the press
0:02:37 > 0:02:42and some Labour MPs for the latest in a series of perceived gaffes.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43What's the latest one?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46A photo was taken of him holding a copy of The Sun, wasn't it,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- which was sent to every house in Britain?- Yes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51It's quite a sad picture, isn't it?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54He looks like a teenager who's looked at Page 3
0:02:54 > 0:02:57and he's hiding his boner, really, doesn't he?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59All the leaders did them and this was regarded as being...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Well, because of Labour's links with Liverpool, that was regarded
0:03:02 > 0:03:05as an offence to people there but also in this regard.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07They were all doing it - essentially an ad for The Sun, I mean,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Clegg did one as well. The one I think... He got the grief.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13This is really freaky one - the Osborne one, the Osborne...
0:03:13 > 0:03:15That's just bizarre.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Who holds the paper like that?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You know, he should have a Waffen-SS thing on his hand, going,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22"These are your papers! Your papers!"
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Do you know what it looks like? You know, when someone's taken hostage
0:03:25 > 0:03:30and they have to prove it by holding up a copy of today's paper?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33What year? What year is it? It's this year.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Actually, this was quite interesting
0:03:35 > 0:03:39because they didn't put Page 3 in The Sun that they gave out...
0:03:39 > 0:03:42They obviously did have a third page, but they didn't... "One, two,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"the news is finished!" No, they didn't put Page 3 in them
0:03:44 > 0:03:46because it would be offensive to some families.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49It's interesting, cos you know there's this organisation called
0:03:49 > 0:03:52No More Page 3 because they think it's objectification,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54and children see it, and women uncomfortable on public transport.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Other people are saying, "Why are feminists oppressing other women?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"We live in the Western World, they choose to do this job,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"they wouldn't have a livelihood if you took it away,"
0:04:03 > 0:04:04and I think I've solved it.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07What we do is we make Page 3 like jury duty.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11So every woman over the age of 18 now has to do Page 3.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And you just wake up one day, there's a letter,
0:04:14 > 0:04:15"Dear Sara, please
0:04:15 > 0:04:19"come to The Sun offices at 9am, bring some snazzy pants
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"and a pithy quote about Syria."
0:04:21 > 0:04:23And you just don't want to go.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Imagine the day you buy The Sun and it's your mum.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34That's the high price...that's the high price we pay for our freedoms.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Your mum's baps occasionally will have to appear on Page 3.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40I apologise to Josh's mum.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I hope that makes the edit. That would be the proudest moment
0:04:43 > 0:04:47of her life when she goes, "Dara O Briain apologised to me on TV.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"I know," she says, rearranging her baps.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Les Dawson...
0:04:56 > 0:04:57I apologise again...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59to all women for that motion.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I'm not sure what that's supposed to indicate.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I don't get them holding The Sun. Why is Ed Miliband holding The Sun?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07PR people should get them in The Sun, do you know what I mean?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09If you can't get them in the proper page...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12At least, "Dear Deidre, I betrayed my brother, now he won't talk to me.'
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I'm bored of them keep banging on about his gaffes -
0:05:16 > 0:05:17how many houses has he got?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I don't care where he lives.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28The Independent ran with that picture...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30ran with the headline, an unbelievable headline,
0:05:30 > 0:05:35"Miliband fails to look normal while eating a bacon sandwich."
0:05:35 > 0:05:38That was the news in The Independent that day.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I like... They said his advisors stepped in.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I just imagine they stepped in and, like, they're...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Neeooaarr!
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Open wide, Ed!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I think this is good PR for him, cos although, they actually say
0:05:53 > 0:05:56that people who eat messily are very good lovers and also they're
0:05:56 > 0:05:59covered in crumbs that you can use for snacks if you're hungry.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01What does it matter if he can't eat a bacon sandwich?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03My dad's well good at eating sandwiches,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06but he'd be shit running the country.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09He upset everyone, didn't he? Because he upset people by eating it
0:06:09 > 0:06:12badly and looking unpleasant and he also upset the Jewish community
0:06:12 > 0:06:15of which he is part by eating a bacon sandwich.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18For his next PR, he might just as well hold up
0:06:18 > 0:06:23a picture of Margaret Thatcher and eat a packet of Frazzles on Ramadan.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33What about the... What other gaffes has he...
0:06:33 > 0:06:34is he purported to have made?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37He was asked to estimate how much the average family
0:06:37 > 0:06:38spent on food shopping.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41And his answer was, "That depends how much you're spending,"
0:06:41 > 0:06:43which is right, it is the right answer.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46And everyone went off on one and then they said
0:06:46 > 0:06:49they wanted a number figure and he said between £75 and £80.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51And then they went, "Oh, no, actually, "you're out of touch,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"it's £100."
0:06:53 > 0:06:56If he'd said £150 pounds, we'd be tearing a strip off him.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58"Oh, what are you eating? Caviar?"
0:06:58 > 0:07:00It's like when you're guessing someone's age,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03you always go under what you think the answer is.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Always go lower. "I'd say you're 50, 55."
0:07:06 > 0:07:08"What? I'm still in the school uniform!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:12The reason it was so cheap was... is, in fact, what he does is
0:07:12 > 0:07:14he buys a lot of reduced price stuff
0:07:14 > 0:07:18that is way past its sell-by date in case his brother comes to visit.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23My theory is that he probably doesn't do the shopping, he doesn't
0:07:23 > 0:07:25do the shopping, and even if he does go to the shop, he probably
0:07:25 > 0:07:28hasn't got any money because he's always brought The Wrong Trousers!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I had to think about that joke for quite a long time
0:07:38 > 0:07:40before I launched it.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41I don't want him to know
0:07:41 > 0:07:44how much groceries are, like, I know that. I want him to know about
0:07:44 > 0:07:47things I don't understand, like the economy, healthcare and spelling.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51We spend too much in my house because my boyfriend's
0:07:51 > 0:07:54obsessed with Nectar points so he doesn't... He buys whatever
0:07:54 > 0:07:55gives you extra Nectar points
0:07:55 > 0:07:57because he thinks if there's an apocalypse,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Nectar points are going to outlast sterling as currency.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- He might be right.- You can't do that because technically
0:08:03 > 0:08:05you're an unsecured creditor of the supermarkets.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Cos I got wiped out on my Nando's Card.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I'd built up two chickens and then they changed the points system.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- I was livid.- Are they allowed to do that?- Hope you're watching, Nando's.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I haven't been back since. I'm a man who takes chicken very seriously.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21If that was a joke, you would have said more than two chickens.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24It was clearly so small an amount that that came from the heart.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27There is no humour there - that is just genuine anger.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I'm not so bothered about social justice and the NHS,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33but if I'm owed a free chicken, I bloody well want a free chicken.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42What has Boris Johnson splashed out on this week?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46He's bought two things called Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000s.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49He has bought the Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000s.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52They are water cannon. He's bought two water cannon.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I am hoping it's going to be like Boris bikes
0:08:55 > 0:08:57and you can rent them out and ride them around.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Driving up to your neighbour's barbecue, going, "Hello, Terry,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"no invitation for me again, I see.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"Those sausages are coming along very well."
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Or put Fairy Liquid in it and have a foam party.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Surely the best way to stop a riot with a water cannon would be
0:09:19 > 0:09:22to put some Radox in it and everyone just relaxes.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28He said the reason he was getting them is cos he thought they
0:09:28 > 0:09:34could have been used to protect the fireman during the riots in 2011,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36as if, of course, the firemen didn't have
0:09:36 > 0:09:39their own high projectile water machine they could have used.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43I reckon he got really drunk and just bought it off eBay.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46That's happened to me.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I've got a pair of roller skates and a windsurfer in my shed.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Windsurfer. That's a man.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Yeah, I know. What can I do?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Does he ever put on the roller skates
0:09:56 > 0:09:59and you just hear him just roller skating around the...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01You're laughing, but the bloke in your garage
0:10:01 > 0:10:03is bloody furious, I tell you.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05What's he doing in there, he's in the shed, isn't he?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07He's moved!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Do you have to move him around every so often?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Yeah, cos otherwise you get a spare bedroom taxed.
0:10:19 > 0:10:24If Boris Johnson ever offers to show you his water cannon, say no.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26And, Boris, if you're watching, I don't want your money,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I just think you should see our kid.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Hugh and Gary!
0:10:45 > 0:10:50Now, we play a round called #wheelofnews #funny #LOL.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53This game involves Rob, Sara and Gary.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56If you could make your way to the performance area please.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57This round is a stand-up challenge,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- The first topic is family. Who wants to come in on that?- I'll do it.- Rob.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I went shopping with my nan the other day.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16She's a very straight talker, my nan, very Southeast London.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17We went to the shops and I said,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"Get yourself some trousers, they're on special."
0:11:19 > 0:11:22She went, "Nah, its all right, son, got enough to see me out."
0:11:22 > 0:11:23How depressing is that?!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Basing your fashion choices upon your life span.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31She don't care though, she's quite modern -
0:11:31 > 0:11:33she's on the internet and stuff.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35She went, "I saw you on YouTube last Tuesday".
0:11:35 > 0:11:39I was like, "Watch it when you want, Nan, it's not scheduled."
0:11:39 > 0:11:43I had... Was that a weird fly? Oh...oh.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47That was weird, wasn't it? That's me grandad having a go.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I went to visit her recently, her internet weren't working, right.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58She went, "Can you sort my internet out?"
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I went, "Show me how you normally log on,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"I'll see what you're doing wrong."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04She went, "I click on the start button, I go up to programmes,
0:12:04 > 0:12:09"I go into accessories..." I went, "That's wrong, but carry on."
0:12:09 > 0:12:10"I go into games..."
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I'm like, "Oh, God."
0:12:12 > 0:12:16"I go into Solitaire, I play that for a bit, click on the cross
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"and then I double click on Internet Explorer."
0:12:19 > 0:12:23I'm thinking, "You could probably cut out the middleman, Nan."
0:12:23 > 0:12:25And I was worried that she's at home thinking
0:12:25 > 0:12:27she has to play Solitaire to get online.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"I need to send that e-mail, but I cannot
0:12:32 > 0:12:35"face another card game, I'm sick of it."
0:12:35 > 0:12:38The thing is, internet computer people are thinking
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"Actually, Rob, that is the incorrect route to
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"Solitaire on the latest version of Windows", and you're correct.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46But she's on Windows 98 - we've not upgraded her, it'll see her out.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Well done, Rob.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53OK, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Subject is ageing, who wants to talk about that? Sara.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03OK, so, I'm 33 years old, which is where magazines will
0:13:03 > 0:13:05tell you that a woman has her sexual peak.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08And I used to think that was a lie, that it was something they say
0:13:08 > 0:13:11to younger women so they wouldn't be afraid of getting older.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13"Oh, yes, you'll have a moustache and a slow metabolism,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16"but you'll also be gagging for it all of the time."
0:13:16 > 0:13:18And now I'm this age, and I do believe in it,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I think your body starts flooding with hormones because
0:13:21 > 0:13:24you only have so much longer left to have a child.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Because that's it, I'm 33, and I've never had a baby.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31I have had a tapeworm... it's not the same.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35But the trouble that I'm having is my boyfriend's also my age,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37and he's experiencing a lot less interest in sex,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39he's having a sexual slump.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Apparently boys have a sexual peak when they're around 18,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45and that is not fair, that is a horrible trick that nature
0:13:45 > 0:13:47has played, because an 18-year-old doesn't want to have sex
0:13:47 > 0:13:50with me any more than I want people to know that I've done that.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56And it's not fair.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00And it's not fair, because when I was a teenager,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I didn't particularly enjoy or understand sex,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05and yet I had it all of the time.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Out of politeness, or to stay friends with someone,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09or to say thanks for the lift.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Thank you very much, well done.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19So that leaves us now with Gary, let's see what you've
0:14:19 > 0:14:22been left with, Gary, let's spin the wheel.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24The topic is shopping. Away you go.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I bought a slimming magazine in WH Smith's.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I didn't read it, I just wanted a big bar of Galaxy for a pound.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I bought some fancy pens at a nudist art shop.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Felt tips? No, but I touched a couple of bollocks.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I was in a lingerie shop, I said, "Are these knickers satin?"
0:14:48 > 0:14:50He said, "No, they're new."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy said,
0:14:56 > 0:14:57"Are you going to put it up yourself?"
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I said, "No, I was thinking the living room."
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Bought a chameleon - lost it.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17no-one minds, but when I did it I got thrown out the greengrocers?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I got into a fight with my acupuncturist and stabbed him.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27He said he'd never felt better.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30According to the vet, my cat's in heat.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I didn't even know she was famous.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39APPLAUSE
0:15:39 > 0:15:41A friend of mine keeps going on
0:15:41 > 0:15:43about how good his orthopaedic shoe is,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45but I think he's built it up too much.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I bought an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Behind every door somebody tells you to fuck off.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Thank you.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57All brilliant, but at the end of that round,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59the points go to Gary Delaney!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Come on back.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02CHEERING
0:16:05 > 0:16:08The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10On the board are six categories.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Sara, which category would you like?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Sport, please. - OK, very big at the moment, sport.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18And the answer is 3 billion, what is the question?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Is the question how many sleeps are there
0:16:21 > 0:16:22till England wins the World Cup?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Is it how many people on the planet would be
0:16:31 > 0:16:33a better commentator than Phil Neville?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Is it how many people will have to die in the Middle East before
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Tony Blair thinks that he might not be the best peace envoy there is?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Is it what percentage battery life
0:16:50 > 0:16:52do I need on an iPhone to last all day?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Is it how many hairs were in the swing bin
0:16:56 > 0:16:59at the end of Chewbacca's full body waxing?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00JOSH LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Is it the amount of adverts Joe Hart's been in?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Is it how many free chickens is Gary now going
0:17:07 > 0:17:09to have delivered by Nando's?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Ho-ho! And I will do it.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18You whore yourself out for free chicken.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Is it how many times has David Cameron said to
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Nick Clegg, "Shhh, not now"?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32OK, I'm going to move you towards the correct answer.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35It's loads, it's how many people actually watched the World Cup.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Yes, absolutely right, very good, well done.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Well done, Sara.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Yes, how many viewers around the world
0:17:44 > 0:17:47are claimed to be tuning into the World Cup?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49This is the predicted figure of worldwide viewers,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51with some estimating it will reach as high as 3.5 billion.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54FIFA expects the tournament to be the most watched TV event ever.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57At the time of recording, we don't know the result of
0:17:57 > 0:17:58England's second game against Uruguay,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00which possibly determines whether or not
0:18:00 > 0:18:03you reach the tournament's knockout stage, and certainly determines
0:18:03 > 0:18:06the mood of a lot of people watching the show at the moment, so...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09mmm, sad face, happy. It's difficult to know where to go on this,
0:18:09 > 0:18:13to be honest, so best of luck, hard luck, you know, them's the breaks.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I can't stand it!
0:18:15 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:16 > 0:18:19What, you can't stand winning a match as successfully as that?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Oh, yes, that's right, I love it.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I'm sure the fans don't really matter what the score was,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25as long as everyone tried their best.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Right, guys? Right, guys?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30High-five, yeah, high-fives, everybody.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Some things aren't worth joking about.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36What's the betting that somebody said to Wayne Rooney,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"Uruguay", and he said, "Yeah, I know, and Coleen's a girl."
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Didn't they try and acclimatise? And one of the ways
0:18:47 > 0:18:50was by eating really hot curries. And apparently Sturridge likes
0:18:50 > 0:18:52a vindaloo, Gerrard likes a madras
0:18:52 > 0:18:54and Rooney prefers a plain nan.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56AUDIENCE: Ohh!
0:19:01 > 0:19:05It was like ten years ago, when are we going to forget it?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07This show will never forget things like that.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11They are changing lots of things about football this year,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13and I think we could move that a bit further.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I've got suggestions how we can improve the World Cup.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18So for instance, listen up, when someone gets a free kick,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20they shouldn't have to use that on the ball.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24They could use it on any of the other players or the ref.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Use it anywhere. Also, when there are substitutions,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I think that should be like online grocery shopping.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33"Oh, you asked for Theo Walcott, but we couldn't find him...
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"so we sent you retired cricketer Ian Botham."
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Do you know what? I'd still vote for you ahead of Sepp Blatter.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- What other innovations have we seen in this World Cup?- Spray foam.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- Spray foam.- Love it.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Spray foam is magic, it's really good.
0:19:53 > 0:19:58Because people genuinely think it's like a wall,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00it magically creates a barrier, you go "Fff!"
0:20:00 > 0:20:03and they go, "Oh!", like they're trapped in a crystal prison
0:20:03 > 0:20:07like in Superman II. "Ahhhh, I'm trapped against the glass."
0:20:07 > 0:20:10It does disappear pretty quickly, but if you're going to put
0:20:10 > 0:20:13a white line in front of footballers, it's going to go.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I'm impressed that at no point
0:20:16 > 0:20:19so far has anyone drawn a cock and balls with it.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- You'd think it would be inevitable. - They'd not warned us about it,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24so it just looked like he'd completely lost the plot.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Like how Vanessa started writing things in Big Brother?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31"I can't deal with the pressure, I'm just spraying on the ground!"
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Who was the talk of Twitter during England's first game?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- Mr Philip Neville. - Yes, it was Phil Neville.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40People were disappointed that he didn't have much charisma
0:20:40 > 0:20:43as a co-commentator. This is Phil Neville.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46No-one before that was going "What? My dream dinner party?
0:20:46 > 0:20:51"Well, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Philip Neville."
0:20:51 > 0:20:54He's a very boring man, what do you expect?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56The thing is, I felt sorry for him, you know,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00because basically, he wasn't as good a footballer as his brother Gary.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03He's not as good a commentator as his brother Gary.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07You feel if Phil Neville entered a Phil Neville lookalike competition,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Gary would win that.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15The only person who thinks that Phil is better than Gary is Ed Miliband.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20And the choice of music, it's not a very inspiring piece of music.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24The ITV music in particular is just a guy going # Brazil! #
0:21:24 > 0:21:27And they've cut the rest of the song out. Like, it's a really good song,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29really famous samba song, that one...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #
0:21:31 > 0:21:33"No, we don't want that bit,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"we just want the bit where you go # Brazil! # "
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Obviously I love the Brazilian rhythms.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Yes, obviously, obviously,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I look at you and I think, "Here's a man who loves Brazilian rhythms."
0:21:44 > 0:21:45I think "Josh Widdicombe"
0:21:45 > 0:21:48and I think "the intoxicating samba rhythms of Brazil."
0:21:48 > 0:21:51We see you backstage, Josh, where you wear that giant headdress
0:21:51 > 0:21:53that comes all the way round.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55"Hey, what are we talking about on the show today?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #
0:21:58 > 0:22:00# Na na na na Dun dun dun... #
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Cheeky little look on your face.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I'm looking forward to when they watch this
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and get you in for the final, it's going to be brilliant.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09You sambaing across the ITV studios.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12If they flew me to Brazil for the final I will wear the headdress.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I would happily wear it.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I think if we had a whip round with this studio audience,
0:22:22 > 0:22:23it could happen.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I'll just go to the beach behind the ITV Studios.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #
0:22:30 > 0:22:33"I will not go! I will not go!
0:22:33 > 0:22:37"It's a public beach!" Just getting carried off.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun...! #
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Climbing up the glass window behind the BBC studio.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun! #
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I love that. I will do that.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54The England football team, they had all their passport numbers revealed,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57didn't they, they got given out. Apart from Wayne Rooney,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00who doesn't in fact need a passport any more
0:23:00 > 0:23:02since he's been chipped, so...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Poor old Wayne Rooney.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I feel sorry for him.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Wayne Rooney could have, half an hour ago,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14scored a blistering hat-trick
0:23:14 > 0:23:18and be the greatest, most beloved man in the country
0:23:18 > 0:23:21and we're here still peddling the old stereotypes of Wayne Rooney.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I hope he hasn't scored a hat-trick and gone,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26"I'm going to celebrate by watching my favourite show, Mock The Week!"
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"I've rigged up a whole satellite thing in the dressing room.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34"Come on, guys, let's watch Mock The Week in the dressing room."
0:23:34 > 0:23:35"Oh, what a result!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"I wonder, has the good news has filtered through at home?"
0:23:39 > 0:23:41"Oh, come on."
0:23:41 > 0:23:44And next to him is Phil Neville going, "Awww!"
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Ed Miliband's joined them in the dressing room.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- The boss of Nando's. - You think the boss of Nando's,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Ed Miliband, Phil Neville and Wayne Rooney
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- are on a night out in Rio tonight, watching the show.- Damn right.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Our stock has never been higher!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #
0:24:04 > 0:24:08At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Sara and Andy.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17If everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please,
0:24:17 > 0:24:18I'll read out this week's topics
0:24:18 > 0:24:21and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23OK, here we go. Our first subject is...
0:24:29 > 0:24:32No-one's guaranteed a start in this England team.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34The only thing that's nailed on is Wayne Rooney's hair.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Oh, that was a horrible two-footed lunge,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43but it was the only way I could shut Phil Neville up.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50And now our cameraman is going to pick out
0:24:50 > 0:24:52some of the plainer girls in the crowd.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Let's have a look at possession -
0:24:57 > 0:24:59yes, seven Colombians have been arrested for it.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Hang on. Sorry, it's just this one side is doing it all the time
0:25:05 > 0:25:07And that is really unfair. I'm so sorry, right?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09You're kind of hogging it a bit.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12So for the rest of the round, I'm sorry, you're going to have to...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Things you won't hear at the World Cup.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24# Dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun dun Dun dun dun... #
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Sorry, excuse me.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31This is the first time that most people
0:25:31 > 0:25:34have ever seen Dara's legs, ladies and gentlemen.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40That's Messi - oh, Messi! Yes!
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Wayne Rooney should never have a half-time orange unsupervised.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50There is little doubt now that Cristiano Ronaldo
0:25:50 > 0:25:53is one of the world's all-time greatest twats.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Welcome to Sugar Loaf Mountain,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01the hardest level on Candy Crush.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06And that's a very soft tackle,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08as Pele hasn't taken his tablets yet.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Is he the finished article? That's the question.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15He did very well against Italy,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18but Sterling has traditionally performed very badly
0:26:18 > 0:26:20against the dollar and the yen.
0:26:23 > 0:26:29And now we go over live for Nigeria against the Ivory Coast
0:26:29 > 0:26:31and our commentator, Ron Atkinson.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38You join us here in Brazil,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40where it's still fucking well hot.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Hey, who's heard what's going on in Iraq?
0:26:54 > 0:26:58There are six Brazilians in the wall, and two in the foundations.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00That's the Mafia for you.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Four years later, Paul the octopus is back -
0:27:07 > 0:27:09and what a stew he made!
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Andrea Pirlo, the only player in world football to be named after
0:27:16 > 0:27:19the Palestinian Liberation Organisation.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24There you go. OK, the next topic is:
0:27:28 > 0:27:31No, no, no, that's the FLOUR, Nigella.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40You've got to be very careful when handling raw meat,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43but if your wife does walk in, close the laptop,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46pull up your trousers and feign ignorance.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52The thing to remember when making your own pesto
0:27:52 > 0:27:54is you're wasting your time.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03So, pop in a lemon, shove in the stuffing, sew up the mouth,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06and that should keep Gregg Wallace quiet for a bit.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12No, I'm afraid those aren't bacon bits, I've just got
0:28:12 > 0:28:13a bit of eczema at the moment.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20If you add vodka into the tomatoes it really brings out the flavour,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22and if you add it to your wine,
0:28:22 > 0:28:24you can pass out before the kids get home.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30You should be able to get the ingredients for this anywhere.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32They are goat's horn, chervil,
0:28:32 > 0:28:33and the frozen tears of an elf.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39I'm Antony Worrall Thompson.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43Today we're going to be needing salmon, noodles and parsley.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45So I'm going to nip down to Tesco and shove them up me jumper.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52That's enough cooking. Next up, we've got some twat trying to flog a book.
0:28:57 > 0:28:58Mmm.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Does anybody know what's happening in Iraq?
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Welcome to Chinese Meals In Minutes.
0:29:06 > 0:29:11I'll have a 19 and some prawn crackers.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18So alternatively, it's gas mark 4 for 20 minutes.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20You're watching Dignitas Television.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26This asparagus smells delicious.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Now imagine what it tasted like when I ate it yesterday.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36After MasterChef, Celebrity MasterChef,
0:29:36 > 0:29:39and MasterChef: The Professionals, now it's MasterChef:
0:29:39 > 0:29:43The Only Five People In Britain Who've Not Been On MasterChef.
0:29:48 > 0:29:53We'd like to apologise for the misprint in this week's Radio Times.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Paul Hollywood is, in fact, a massive COOK.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03We only use the freshest ingredients
0:30:03 > 0:30:05So this is Daisy, and this is a stun gun.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12OK, at the end of that, the points go to Rob, Hugh and Gary.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:30:24 > 0:30:28Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and Josh Widdicombe.
0:30:28 > 0:30:33Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.