0:00:01 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Don't believe in everything
0:00:11 > 0:00:12# You see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# News of the world
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:29# News of the world
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# News of the world. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Angela Barnes
0:00:40 > 0:00:41and Josh Widdicombe.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Miles Jupp.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:52We start with a game called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I show the panel a topical image
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59So, everybody, what's going on here?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Is it the new series of Wife Swap?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Is this what Life Of Pi looked like before they added the CGI?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Is this a gay couple
0:01:14 > 0:01:16showing Merkel and Cameron
0:01:16 > 0:01:19they did actually cause the flooding?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I think he's more likely to be saying,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24"So, we're agreed - three more days then we eat Angela."
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Is it simply dogging for posh people?
0:01:32 > 0:01:33"Row over to that one there.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37"Hmm, you're doing an excellent job! Keep going, very good.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38"We'll just tie up here."
0:01:38 > 0:01:42What you can't see is Farage on the shore-side with his binoculars,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45just going, "It's a boatload of immigrants!"
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I don't think they're trying to get into Britain.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Are they saying, "So the rule is
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"if she sinks she's a witch..."?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Is she saying, "David, this is neither the time nor the place
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"to bring up the D-Day landings"?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Is it "Dara O Briain livid
0:02:07 > 0:02:10"with the new cast for Three Men In A Boat"?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's you.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14To be honest, you know, lose a couple of pounds,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I could be the guy there with his back to you.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18A couple of pounds(!)
0:02:18 > 0:02:22All right, all right! No need for that.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Does anyone know what it actually is?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I think this is the European leaders out on a boat trip,
0:02:27 > 0:02:32discussing this guy Jean-Claude Juncker's appointment
0:02:32 > 0:02:34as the President of the European Commission.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Yes, I'll give you that. Well done. Thank you very much, Hugh.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40APPLAUSE
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Yes, this is a picture of David Cameron lobbying European leaders
0:02:43 > 0:02:46to block the appointment of former Luxembourg PM Jean-Claude Juncker
0:02:46 > 0:02:49as the new President of the European Commission.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Cameron continued his offensive this week,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54demanding an unprecedented vote on Juncker's nomination.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56The reason that we don't want him to be president
0:02:56 > 0:02:57is because he's a federalist,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01which are people who like Roger Federer.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- And their time has past. - Yeah, their time is over.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07We're not interested, we're not engaged.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08I think they should combine
0:03:08 > 0:03:11the election of the leader of the European Commission
0:03:11 > 0:03:14with the Eurovision Song Contest.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17How is combining two things that we're not interested in
0:03:17 > 0:03:19going to make it...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Going to make it more interesting?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I think this guy would make a terrific President of the EEC.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Or a bad one. I don't...
0:03:28 > 0:03:32It is difficult to make this both an interesting story
0:03:32 > 0:03:34and an interesting opening round.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Hey, everybody! Finally, the chance
0:03:36 > 0:03:38to do all those jokes you've wanted to hear
0:03:38 > 0:03:40about the 19-year President of Luxembourg
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Jean-Claude Juncker.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Just say "wanker" - we're all thinking it!
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Doesn't Cameron need a candidate to replace him,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51say, that Europe does love,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54like Mr Bean or David Hasselhoff.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Yes, or Conchita Wurst, exactly that.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00So he's a federalist and he comes from Luxembourg.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Yeah.- And we have nothing in common with Luxembourg,
0:04:02 > 0:04:06except possibly, in the future, our FIFA ranking.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Cameron is basically trying to be tough against UKIP, isn't he?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14He's going to try and show everybody that he's really tough.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Cos what happened was he made a mistake - he called UKIP...
0:04:16 > 0:04:19He said all their supporters were fruitcakes, loonies,
0:04:19 > 0:04:20and closet racists,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23and then loads of people actually went out,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25after he'd said that, and voted for UKIP.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29It was like he'd described a large part of the British electorate.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32There is a party for me - brilliant!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Don't you think it's ridiculous, though...
0:04:36 > 0:04:39The reason UKIP did very well in the European Elections
0:04:39 > 0:04:41is because everybody's worried about immigration.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43What I don't understand about that
0:04:43 > 0:04:46is why they think immigrants want to come here.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It's like immigrants have looked on Trip Advisor for Britain and gone,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- IN "FOREIGN" ACCENT:- "Oh, yes.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"No, this looks good. Yes, it's cold, it's wet,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56"they're shit at football - let's go there."
0:04:56 > 0:05:00That was an incredible generic-immigrant accent there.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02It's very good.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Tiny bit of Nigeria, tiny bit of the Indian subcontinent,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07it's amazing how you got...
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Detected a little soupcon of Sri Lankan.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13And a tiny little bit of meerkat!
0:05:13 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:20 > 0:05:23In other news, what has David Cameron claimed
0:05:23 > 0:05:25he can't get on holiday?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28This is the idea that he can't actually get mobile phone reception
0:05:28 > 0:05:30when he's on holiday in Cornwall.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33He said that he couldn't actually hear President Obama
0:05:33 > 0:05:35on the phone once,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37and you're thinking surely that's just Obama, isn't it?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Going, "Oh, I can't be arsed to speak to Cameron...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"I'm losing you, David!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44"I'm losing you! Goodbye."
0:05:44 > 0:05:47It's a very kind of terrifying situation
0:05:47 > 0:05:50that World War Three could break out
0:05:50 > 0:05:53but David Cameron would not know and be at the Penzance otter sanctuary.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"Shall we invade Iran, David?"
0:05:55 > 0:05:59"Sorry, I'm at Trago Mills doing my shopping."
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Good West Country knowledge. That's excellent West Country knowledge.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Have you been to Trago Mills? - I've never been to Trago Mills.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06What is it...please?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- It is a shop.- Thank you.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11It's a shop halfway down the A38
0:06:11 > 0:06:15that sells cheap carpets and sports equipment
0:06:15 > 0:06:17and it's also made to look like a mock Tudor castle
0:06:17 > 0:06:20and it has peacocks roaming the grounds.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Trago Mills sounds like a bad guy from a Bond movie.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27"Yes...you have crossed me once too often.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31"You will rue the day you crossed Trago Mills."
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- IN SINISTER VOICE: - "I have cheap carpets
0:06:34 > 0:06:35"and conservatory furniture."
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I know that the point of this story
0:06:39 > 0:06:42is to strong-arm mobile phone companies
0:06:42 > 0:06:44into sharing masts and there's a technical element to it.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47But it is a slightly ridiculous situation
0:06:47 > 0:06:49that if I walk ten feet, I'm suddenly...
0:06:49 > 0:06:51And all those times that Obama's ringing me
0:06:51 > 0:06:52that I've got to return home
0:06:52 > 0:06:55and, like, the local shopkeeper goes...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: - "You had a phone call -
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"some Obama bloke.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"He said it's very sunny in Iraq."
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Just shows you the different level of technology
0:07:06 > 0:07:07between the two countries.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Obama's got Air Force One and The Beast.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12And Cameron has got a Samsung Galaxy.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Do you think it got to the point
0:07:16 > 0:07:19where Nick Clegg finally thinks that he's stepping up to the plate?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Cameron's on the phone - "My phone reception is a nightmare,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"we've got an important situation, Nick - I need you to step up,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26"I need you to do the right thing.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28"Can you get in touch with Vodafone and get this sorted out?"
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Couldn't Obama just call him on the landline?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35That does seem...
0:07:35 > 0:07:36You seem to have cut through
0:07:36 > 0:07:38the many levels of this story quite easily.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40If he's on holiday with his family,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42it might be that he doesn't want to give Obama his landline number
0:07:42 > 0:07:44in case his mum answers.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48"Oh, Mum, you're so embarrassing! He wants to talk to me, not you!"
0:07:48 > 0:07:51The honest truth is Obama doesn't call him.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Why does he want to take work calls when he's on holiday?
0:07:55 > 0:07:59He's on holiday, for heaven's sake - Obama shouldn't be ringing him when he's on holiday,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01he should be more bloody respectful.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06And secondly, we don't want him answering work calls -
0:08:06 > 0:08:07he's on holiday, he needs to relax
0:08:07 > 0:08:10and get himself into the right state of mind for running the country.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12You don't want him making phone calls about policy
0:08:12 > 0:08:15while he's trying to prevent his children squeezing sun cream
0:08:15 > 0:08:17into the car radio or something.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19It does look like the most boring...
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I mean, I've been on some bad holidays,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23never have I gone, "What did we get up to?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26"Sat with our backs to the beach and enjoyed a bottle of water."
0:08:30 > 0:08:32It's actually a very exciting game they play
0:08:32 > 0:08:34where they just sit there for hours
0:08:34 > 0:08:36and see which one tries to re-hydrate themselves first.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42It would be magical. In other news,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44what has the government promised motorists this week?
0:08:44 > 0:08:48They've said that if your ticket machine is broken,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50then you can just park there.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53which is basically going to lead to people getting to the ticket machine,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55seeing they've got no change,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58getting the baseball bat out of the back of their car...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"I got no change but I do have a baseball bat."
0:09:00 > 0:09:02What sort of impulse purchase is that?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05"Just...just a bar of chocolate, please.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07"Hello? Are they baseball bats you have there?"
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I do think it's a weird strategy -
0:09:09 > 0:09:11what you're saying is "We're going to make it OK
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"for you to park by a broken meter."
0:09:14 > 0:09:18So, you know, the solution seems to be to fix the meters, you know?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Rather than make it OK to park next to broken ones.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23It's like saying, "Well, all the trains are late
0:09:23 > 0:09:26"and we know they never arrive, when they're supposed to
0:09:26 > 0:09:27"so to tackle the problem,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29"we've decided to abandon the concept of time...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"..so nobody is ever going to be late for anything."
0:09:34 > 0:09:37"Are you late or are you not late? Or are you simply never...?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"Has it not arrived to you? Oh!"
0:09:41 > 0:09:42At the information desk,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44people going, "I'm not sure you can help me..."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"Oh, will I not?"
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I'm blowing your mind.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Why has Pickles done this now?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I reckon what's happened is recently Eric Pickles got a parking ticket
0:09:54 > 0:09:55when he was only ten minutes late
0:09:55 > 0:09:57and he's thought, "I could do something about this."
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Tell you what he looks like there -
0:10:00 > 0:10:01he looks like Trago Mills.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- IMITATES ERIC PICKLES: - "You've crossed me for the last time, Mr Bond."
0:10:10 > 0:10:13His hat - rather weirdly - has got the face of an owl.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19On an interesting related note,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22what did Labour promise for everyone this week on Twitter?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23- Owls.- Owls.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Genuinely, the Labour Twitter feed account was hacked with the words,
0:10:27 > 0:10:28"Everybody should have his own owl".
0:10:30 > 0:10:34This is sinister - this is Trago Mills...
0:10:35 > 0:10:38..infiltrating both political parties at the same time.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39I don't know...I think it's...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Giving birds of prey away, it's a quick fix,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43but it's not a long term solution.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49That is very sad - I live on my own, I was looking forward to getting an owl to talk to.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51All I've got is my Henry Hoover.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Imagine if you lived at home with an owl and said,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56"Oh, just you and me now, Owl",
0:10:56 > 0:10:59and the owl slowly turned its head around.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06OK - at the end of that round,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08the points go to Josh, Angela and Andy.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Now we play a round called Mock Them Up And Throw Away The Key.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19This game involves Romesh, Angela and Josh.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21If you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25This is our stand-up challenge. I launch the wheel of news - wherever it stops,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27one of our performers steps forward and talks about that subject.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34The first subject is Food - who wants to come in on that?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Josh.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I'm not a fan of people that are pretentious about food,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44the kind of people that pretend they like dark chocolate.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48By that, I mean anyone that claims to like dark chocolate,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50cos no-one actually likes dark chocolate.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52No-one's eating milk chocolate and goes,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"This is good, but I wish it tasted more like paracetamol."
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I went into a cafe for breakfast the other day.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02One of the things they sold on the menu - "toasted bread".
0:12:02 > 0:12:04That is called "toast".
0:12:05 > 0:12:07What are my other options?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Flaked corn topped with the juice of a milked cow?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Maybe I don't know what people want from food, though.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I was walking along the street the other day.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22A van went past it said, "Waitrose. Do you like your bananas green?"
0:12:22 > 0:12:24And I thought no.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I'm not a huge fan of diarrhoea.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I don't like my bananas green for the same reason
0:12:31 > 0:12:34that I don't like my chicken kievs dangerously underdone.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Now when you go to Waitrose, all they've got is green bananas.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Am I the only one person who's ever bought a banana
0:12:40 > 0:12:41because they want to eat the banana?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Is everyone else going,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"I think I fancy a banana in about seven days...
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"I'd better go out and buy one now."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50"Do you want to go out tonight, Steve?"
0:12:50 > 0:12:53"No, I've checked my diary and I'm eating a banana."
0:12:53 > 0:12:55All they do is sell them in bunches,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58so basically what I've got is no bananas for seven days,
0:12:58 > 0:13:02followed instantly by far too many bananas all at the same time.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Well done, Josh.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08APPLAUSE
0:13:09 > 0:13:12OK, let's have the next topic. The subject is health.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Who wants to come in on that? Angela.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Yeah, I am quite a sickly person. My own mother once said,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"Jesus, Angela, if you were a dog, they'd put you down."
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I've got something called glue ear.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I don't know if you know what glue ear is.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30It necessitates the wearing of grommets in your ears.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Some people had grommets when they were a child.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Child is the key word there. I'm 37 and I've got grommets.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I might as well have sodding nappy rash.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Even the word grommet is a cartoon character.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43You don't get that with adult procedures, do you?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45My grandmother, she's had a bilateral hip replacement.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47She hasn't had a double SpongeBob.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Grommets, right. They're inconvenient as well, inconvenient,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52because I love swimming. But I can't get my ears wet.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I have to wear a swimming hat. My mum bought me a red one
0:13:55 > 0:13:58because she said it would just look like your hair.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02It doesn't. No, I look like a Lego version of me.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05And that's not even the worst of it. Right...
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Twice a year, I have to attend something that's called the
0:14:08 > 0:14:12glue ear clinic, which takes place at my local children's hospital.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19You have not known humiliation until you've been a 37-year-old woman
0:14:19 > 0:14:20sitting on a plastic toadstool,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23flicking through old Mr Men comics, waiting for a nurse wearing
0:14:23 > 0:14:27a Peppa Pig apron to call your name, while ten sets of parents stare
0:14:27 > 0:14:29at you wondering where the hell your child is.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32On the upside, I do have the world's largest collection
0:14:32 > 0:14:35of brave girl stickers so it's not all bad.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38One of the side effects of having glue ear is my eardrums
0:14:38 > 0:14:40burst quite frequently. That's not pleasant.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44It's pusy, it's messy, it's oozy, it's bloody, it's horrible.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47It happens to me all the time. It happened to me once during sex.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I know, I know, disgusting, although it was quite entertaining
0:14:50 > 0:14:53to see the look on the gentleman in question's face,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55as I saw him think to himself,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58"Oh, my God, I've actually shagged her brains out."
0:14:58 > 0:15:00APPLAUSE
0:15:05 > 0:15:07OK, that leaves us with Romesh.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18The topic is...animals.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I'm into animal rights actually.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I recently watched this film, Blackfish, which is about this
0:15:28 > 0:15:31killer whale that ate two of the trainers at SeaWorld.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34It killed two of the members of staff at SeaWorld.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37It's an interesting film but I do have some issues with it.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40You know, one of the things they say in the film is,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43"We call them orcas. Some people call them killer whales.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47"But these are beautiful, beautiful orcas. We call them orcas."
0:15:47 > 0:15:50This one killed two people, right.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52That's a killer whale.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56It lost the right to be called orca, when he slaughtered two people.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Yeah? And people are surprised by what happened. People are surprised.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03"Oh, my God. I can't believe what happened at SeaWorld. I can't believe
0:16:03 > 0:16:06"that one of the killer whales tried to eat one of the trainers."
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Listen, that's not a surprise.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11I'm a vegan, right. If you make me dance with a sausage on my nose
0:16:11 > 0:16:14for long enough, eventually I will try the bloody sausage, right.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I don't think that's a surprise.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19And the film was presenting obvious stuff.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I was talking to an intelligent person about Blackfish.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24They said, "I can't believe what's happening at SeaWorld.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27"It's disgusting. I can't believe they kidnap them from the wild."
0:16:29 > 0:16:32How else do you think that they got them?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Do you think there was some sort of recruitment drive?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37And the thing is, you know,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40they want to set this whale free. They want to set Tilikum free
0:16:40 > 0:16:41because he killed two people.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Because he killed two people, they want to set him free.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I mean, that's the opposite of crime and punishment, isn't it?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49People say it's because he lives in horrible conditions.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Listen, people live in horrible conditions.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53We don't let them off for doing something...
0:16:53 > 0:16:56"Derek killed six people. We can't do anything about it
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"because he lives in Hastings."
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Thank you very much, Romesh.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Points to Angela Barnes there. Everyone back, thank you very much.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16The next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?
0:17:16 > 0:17:17On the board are six categories.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Angela, which category would you like?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I'd like Home News, please, Dara.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Home news. Blessed break from sport.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27And the answer is 56 years. What is the question?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Is it how long does it currently take to get a UK Passport?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Is it what the minimum prison sentence should be for anybody
0:17:35 > 0:17:38that takes their shirt off in the summer?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39I find it unacceptable.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I remember like when it used to be hot days, my dad would open up
0:17:42 > 0:17:45the curtains first thing in the morning and say,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48"The white people are going to get naked today."
0:17:48 > 0:17:50APPLAUSE
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Is it how much did David Moyes age in his six months at Old Trafford?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Is it how long would most blokes happily sleep
0:18:03 > 0:18:05in the same sheets for?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Is it how long could I hold a poo in
0:18:13 > 0:18:16if I shared a flat with Oscar Pistorius?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I tell you what - that is the flat-share sitcom I want to see.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34How long would it take to collect sufficient owls
0:18:34 > 0:18:38for Labour to honour their manifesto commitment?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Is it... How long since England were last eliminated
0:18:40 > 0:18:42in the first round of the World Cup?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Absolutely. Thank you very much, Josh Widdicombe. Very good.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Yes, the answer I was looking for was, how long is it since England
0:18:51 > 0:18:55last failed to progress beyond the group stage of a World Cup?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Were you surprised? Were you gutted?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00No, I mean, we didn't lose all our games, did we? I mean, I thought
0:19:00 > 0:19:04we managed a very creditable nil-nil draw
0:19:04 > 0:19:06with the 2,500-to-one outsiders
0:19:06 > 0:19:09so people said we had very low expectations, didn't we?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12And then we all got disappointed when we were knocked out
0:19:12 > 0:19:15after two games, so obviously our expectations
0:19:15 > 0:19:18weren't quite low enough, were they?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21It's the players as well, they didn't...
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Wayne Rooney said that if we'd won, we'd have gone through,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27and that's the main lesson to learn.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31And you're going, "If that's the main lesson to learn,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33"we really need to go back to basics."
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Liverpool, though... Liverpool had five England players
0:19:37 > 0:19:39in the match-day team, didn't they?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43There was Sterling, Sturridge, Johnson, Henderson and Gerrard,
0:19:43 > 0:19:47and, of course, Uruguay had two Liverpool players in the squad -
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Suarez and Gerrard again, so...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Very busy man that day, wasn't he? - It is interesting.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Now that England are out, I'm finding out about the backgrounds of
0:19:58 > 0:20:00all my friends, because suddenly my friend was,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03"Well, actually, I'm half German, so I'll support Germany now,"
0:20:03 > 0:20:06so I was like, "You kept quiet about that on D-Day, didn't you?"
0:20:06 > 0:20:08How old is this...
0:20:08 > 0:20:10"Didn't you - Gunther?"
0:20:11 > 0:20:13"Yes, well, I thought it was an unfortunate thing
0:20:13 > 0:20:16"to bring up on ze boat."
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I've actually started pretending I'm Costa Rican.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22I will switch to whatever I need to.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26In the cricket, I'm very Sri Lankan at the moment.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30During the Ashes, I pretended I was Aborigine, I don't care.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I will go wherever the results take me.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35If I were Roy Hodgson now, I'd be a pundit,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37cos he can be a pundit anywhere in the world -
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- apparently he can speak five languages...- Yeah.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42..which is literally five more than Phil Neville.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Roy Hodgson always looks like a man
0:20:45 > 0:20:48who'd be far happier inside eating soup.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54What did a lot of England fans find enormously irritating
0:20:54 > 0:20:55immediately after the matches?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Reality.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- It was England footballers doing adverts.- Yes.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Things like the Carlsberg Fan Squad advert.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Yes, there were a series of adverts there were complaints about.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09You know, Joe Hart and his dandruff,
0:21:09 > 0:21:13which luckily he's still beaten. Good man, Joe, well done.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Why does that company... I don't want to give them a free ad.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18..that company who does an anti-dandruff shampoo,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21which you all know. I say the word "anti-dandruff shampoo" and bing!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Why do they even spend money? Who goes, "Hmm, maybe we'll have
0:21:24 > 0:21:27"a competing anti-dandruff shampoo for my shampoo."
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Some of us, Dara, are still worrying about dandruff.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35It's an unusual put-down, isn't it?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41On the one hand, "Zing, I'm bald,"
0:21:41 > 0:21:46but yet, on the other, you don't come out of it like a prince,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48it has to be said.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I'm not going to lie to you, I didn't think it through.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53"Take that, bald man!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00"Oh, you social loser!"
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Yes, it has to be said that some of the England squad
0:22:03 > 0:22:05are probably not as well known as others.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06It was a young squad, a new squad,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I mean, for example, there was this range of commemorative mugs
0:22:09 > 0:22:12that was brought out and they were on sale, we're not making this up.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15All the members of the squad, particularly Chris Smalling,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17the Manchester United defender...
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I cannot believe they put Theo Walcott's picture on it.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28It's mortifying, isn't it, actually?
0:22:28 > 0:22:29That's Smalling
0:22:29 > 0:22:31and, for reference, a picture of Barack.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I hope there's not a mix-up and Chris Smalling's now going
0:22:34 > 0:22:37to have to be the President of the United States of America.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39What happens is he's going to get a call from David Cameron, going,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42"I've finally got some service -
0:22:42 > 0:22:46"what do we do about the Shia situation?"
0:22:46 > 0:22:47"Er...I dunno."
0:22:47 > 0:22:52In other news, what might we be sending out
0:22:52 > 0:22:53via our smartphones next year?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Oh, this is a good one, this is smells,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58you can send smells over your iPhone.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59- It's brilliant, isn't it?- Yes.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03If you fart in a meeting, you know, just blame your phone.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07"Oh, someone just sent me a farticon. I'll just turn that off."
0:23:07 > 0:23:11It's going to be great when Obama finally picks up the phone and goes,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13"Dave, I can smell pasty. Are you in Trago Mills?"
0:23:15 > 0:23:18We don't need it, do we? It's just this constant thing
0:23:18 > 0:23:22of making things that nobody... Nobody has been on the phone
0:23:22 > 0:23:24to someone going, "Do you know what would make it so much easier
0:23:24 > 0:23:27"to understand what you're on about? If I could smell you."
0:23:29 > 0:23:33There is a good use for it. For instance, if you were seriously
0:23:33 > 0:23:34into collecting your cheeses,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36you don't actually keep them in your own house,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39you keep them at somebody who owns a cheesery.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41You ring up and say, "How's my camembert doing?"
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- And he goes, "Well, I'll let you know."- He waves it about.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47He'll text you, "That needs another ten years."
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Do you genuinely phone up... Do you genuinely check on your cheese?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54No, mate. I'm improvising.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I don't know...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I don't know how the other half live.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Angela and Andy.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21OK, here we go, the first subject is...
0:24:26 > 0:24:28It's your own time you're wasting,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31so, please, think twice about choosing media studies as an option.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40We are not involved in extremism and any suggestion we are is deeply
0:24:40 > 0:24:44offensive towards us all here at the Jihadi Death To The West Academy.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Congratulations to the year seven football team, who beat England.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00There are two new girls in the school today,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03thanks to Louise in year nine who's just had twins.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09New school rule from next term -
0:25:09 > 0:25:11there WILL be running in the corridors
0:25:11 > 0:25:13because we've had to sell off the gym.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Just this morning we confiscated a bag of cannabis and now we're
0:25:20 > 0:25:23asking all students to come forward if they've got Pringles.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Good news for last year's leavers - we have four at Durham,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33four at Edinburgh, four at Bristol
0:25:33 > 0:25:36and you can't find a better selection of prisons than those.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45And now for show and tell, and here is Miles with his cheese collection.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56Congratulations to the First Eleven, who, yesterday, beat St Christopher's 37-0.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Er, St Christopher's' is an intensive care unit but nonetheless, well done.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Well, I'm really sad to be leaving you as your maths teacher,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I've got no idea why I've been made redundant,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14because I've always felt like I've given 110%.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Just a note for 5D.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23When I said that Thomas should be in a blazer,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I didn't mean set him on fire.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35So, OFSTED inspection this morning, so, burkas off.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Now, I know today is no school uniform day, Barry,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46but we were hoping that you would wear something else.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53And now the Register... is the reason that
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Mr Smith cannot be here at the school today.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02So if ever you feel the need to do drugs,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05have a word with the supply teacher.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09OK, the next topic is..
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Come to Trago Mills! We got peacocks and everything.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27We've got surprises in store - the escalator's broken
0:27:27 > 0:27:28and the staff know fuck all.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Dignitas. It's not au revoir.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault, and has ruined your life?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Next time use Durex.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Try Uniform Dating,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57because with the way Government cuts are going pretty soon it could be
0:27:57 > 0:28:01the quickest way to get a policeman to your house in an emergency.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04If you can find it cheaper anywhere else, tell us
0:28:04 > 0:28:06and we'll burn their shop down.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12The DFS sale has ended.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Have you been injured whilst doing voluntary work?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Well, that's your look-out, isn't it?
0:28:30 > 0:28:34The Dyson hand-dryer.. The perfect way to drown out the sound
0:28:34 > 0:28:36of somebody having a shit.
0:28:45 > 0:28:46"Papa, Papa?"
0:28:46 > 0:28:49"No, I'm sorry, Nicole, we've lost him."
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Buy Lidl wine, because poor people shouldn't have to drink cider.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Steven Gerrard drinks Lucozade.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07This has been a Red Bull commercial.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16News International. When you talk, we listen.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25- IN RUSSIAN ACCENT:- To qualify for second Meerkat toy,
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Aleksandr has invaded Ukraine.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37Milk! Try and forget it came out of a cow's tits.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44Have you booked Joe Hart to advertise your product?
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Have you paid for advertising space until the end of the World Cup?
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Then you may be entitled to compensation.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55At the end of that round the points go to Josh, Angela and Andy.
0:30:01 > 0:30:06That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Angela Barnes and Josh Widdicombe!
0:30:08 > 0:30:13Commiserations to Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Miles Jupp.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.