0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# News of the world News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week
0:00:38 > 0:00:41are Andy Parsons, Susan Calman and Rob Beckett,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Hal Cruttenden.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We start with a round called
0:00:54 > 0:00:56If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58On the board are six categories.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Susan, which category would you like?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Um, politics, please.- No problem at all. Politics is the category.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06The answer is "2". What is the question?
0:01:06 > 0:01:11How many celebrities from the 1970s is it still OK for me to like?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16A very provisional number, that.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20The investigation's still ongoing. Yes.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Is it...what was the population in God's first census?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Is it the number of times Dolly Parton's face moved whilst...?
0:01:35 > 0:01:39- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Are you loving the Dolly?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41You can attack anything on this show,
0:01:41 > 0:01:42but you do not attack Dolly Parton!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Don't come into my house
0:01:44 > 0:01:47and attack Dolly Parton between the hours of nine and five.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54Is it what most Glastonbury-goers dread doing the most?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Is it the number of Milibands it takes to ruin a party?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Is it which number most looks like
0:02:04 > 0:02:07a man kneeling to vomit in a lavatory?
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Is it the number of tracks on a CD
0:02:15 > 0:02:17of the Cheeky Girls' "Best Of" compilation?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Is it the number of footballers you can bite
0:02:21 > 0:02:23before you get really told off?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27APPLAUSE
0:02:30 > 0:02:35Is it...if Jeremy Kyle and Jeremy Clarkson went into a room,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38how many people in that room would be pricks called Jeremy?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Surely this is... this is Desmond Tutu's middle name.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46APPLAUSE
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Move towards the correct answer, if you can, please.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Is it...what's the highest number Ranulph Fiennes can count to...?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I won't finish that one.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Is it the votes against Juncker?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Juncker works for me. You're absolutely right.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08It is votes against Juncker.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09APPLAUSE
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Yes, the question I was looking for
0:03:14 > 0:03:17was how many European leaders voted against Jean-Claude Juncker
0:03:17 > 0:03:18for President of the European Commission?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20This is the news that, at a summit in Brussels,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23David Cameron was only able to persuade one other European leader,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26the Hungarian Prime Minister, Viktor Orban,
0:03:26 > 0:03:30to join him in voting against Juncker, with 26 voting for.
0:03:30 > 0:03:3326-2 defeat for Cameron.
0:03:33 > 0:03:3526-2. Nobody was impressed with that.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38The only person who was impressed with that was Roy Hodgson,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40who thought getting two was a great result
0:03:40 > 0:03:42against a tough European team.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46We can't even get people to vote for us in Eurovision.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49How are we going to in actual politics?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52What has been the reaction to Cameron among the European press?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54They called him the Wayne Rooney of the election thing...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56And they didn't mean that in a good way.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59No, they meant it because Wayne Rooney
0:03:59 > 0:04:02is also very much in favour of de-centralisation from Brussels.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Cameron's threat was that this will make it more likely
0:04:06 > 0:04:08that Britain will leave the EU.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10And there is a general ramping up of anti-EU sentiment.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12We saw it during the European elections.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Only this week, the Daily Express ran this headline,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17this incredible...
0:04:19 > 0:04:20And you just go,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23"My God! What are these laws that are ruining Britain?"
0:04:23 > 0:04:25And they put a little box of eight of the ones
0:04:25 > 0:04:28they thought were most likely to ruin Britain.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29I'll just read a couple of them now
0:04:29 > 0:04:31and you can go, "My God, the country's gone to bits.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"It's ruined now." One of them was...
0:04:41 > 0:04:45That strikes at the very heart which is what Britain is for me.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48The people's ability to bring their ferrets just on a whim...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"Do you know what? Do you know what?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"Phwit-phwit-phwit-phwit... Little skinny thing!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57"I'm going to bring you to see Europe. OK!
0:04:57 > 0:04:58"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop biting me."
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Another one that's ruining Britain...
0:05:00 > 0:05:04These laws will set out the difference...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Now, that makes perfect sense.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Fruit juice from concentrated is the thing you can drink.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Concentrated fruit juice is the bit you have to put water to
0:05:16 > 0:05:18to turn it into fruit juice from concentrate.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20It is about time this country learnt the difference,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23cos I am sick of accidentally pouring Ribena
0:05:23 > 0:05:26and then staring at it, going, "Have I diluted this enough?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Someone's going to have to taste this.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31"I'm not going to taste this. This could be death in a cup.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33"Oh, no!
0:05:33 > 0:05:34"Urrgggh!"
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Meanwhile, which Conservative campaign backfired this weekend?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41This was getting Eric Pickles to wear Lycra.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45This is the campaign to try and see
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- how many working-class Tory MPs they could find.- Yes.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51And they could only find 14 out of 300
0:05:51 > 0:05:54that they thought could be considered as working class,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57which was slightly more than the Labour Party could manage.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I'm working class and I'm a Tory.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04That's Taurus. I'm a Taurus.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Sorry.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07APPLAUSE
0:06:09 > 0:06:10HE MOUTHS
0:06:10 > 0:06:12The problem is that, for most Tories,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I think hardship is going to Durham University.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17That's, like, the worst thing that could...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19ROMESH: That's the thing.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It doesn't matter if they're working-class background or not if what the policies are...
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I don't care, if somebody goes, "We don't give a shit about the NHS!",
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I don't think, "You're working class, so..."
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Dick Van Dyke singing a cheery song about privatisation.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- COCKNEY ACCENT: We'll shut you all down!- Hey!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Let's not get involved in doing each other's accents, Romesh.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Because that's going to look a lot worse for me!
0:06:40 > 0:06:41< That's the thing.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Can't suddenly rebrand the Tories as, like, a working-class party.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48It would be like me coming on and playing the immigrant by going...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51STEREOTYPICAL ASIAN ACCENT: ..Hello, Dara, so glad to be on Mock The Week.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Thank you so much for having me on, I'm very grateful.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58We can't suddenly start pulling that out.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I don't know why you can't be doing that! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Don't rock the boat.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07But then I could do you...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Not literally, Rob. Don't get excited.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Barking up the wrong tree, sweetie.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13"Ooooy.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"Oooy. Oooy. Oooy.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"I'm from London."
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Among your many gifts, an ear for accents.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26APPLAUSE
0:07:26 > 0:07:29SLOWLY: "All right, darling. All right, darling."
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Why's it so slow? It's like I'm coming round from an operation.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"Oh, Mum, where's the bedpan?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"My leg still hurts.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"When will it be better? I gotta get up that chimney."
0:07:45 > 0:07:50The problem is, to me, Rob, that is exactly what you sound like.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I sense a little bit of tension on my team.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00To be honest, I hesitate to call it a team, Andy.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- What about the points?!- Can we please get back to the Tories?
0:08:04 > 0:08:08There was this Tory MP, David Amess, who has apparently been doing
0:08:08 > 0:08:12all of the research into Tory working-class MPs.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13He said he was working class
0:08:13 > 0:08:16because he didn't have a telephone when he was growing up.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21He had to lean out the window and shout very loudly.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23And I still have to do that in my home.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26That's just due to the level of reception that I get from O2.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I didn't know... Like, I bang on about being working class.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I didn't know Radio 4 existed until I was asked to be on it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35I thought...
0:08:41 > 0:08:44No, because I thought it was one of them new ones, like 1Xtra,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46or the Asian Network, or something like that.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48One of the digital ones.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50You know what's happening here?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I don't mean to be rude. You sound really lovely.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54It's almost like... We're, like, opposites.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58It's like, you know, attract. We could end up together.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:07This could be like Katie Price and Peter Andre in the jungle.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10A hideous spin off on BBC Three
0:09:10 > 0:09:13about how this relationship is going.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15In other news, under proposed health guidelines,
0:09:15 > 0:09:17what could we see banished from our diets?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- Sugar.- Sugar.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Sugar's very, very bad for you.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23And there's a lot of sugar in fizzy drinks.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Your daily requirement of sugar is in one single can of Coke.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29This was released by the Department of You Already Know This,
0:09:29 > 0:09:30who has a...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34the Minister of Come On! Do We Have To Keep Telling You This Stuff?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Just Put It Down.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38It is a fruit juice problem, isn't it,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40cos fruit juice, apparently,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42contains as much sugar as fizzy drinks,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45so, in which case, the man from Del Monte, he say...
0:09:45 > 0:09:47"Oh, shit."
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I'm just thinking, I always knew OJ was a killer.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Thank you.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Thank you. You've been great.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Thank you.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04I'm just going to stop my stopwatch on that - at 14 years since...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08What I love about that is, Hal, you could put that straight on Dave.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14The problem with just drinking water is it just
0:10:14 > 0:10:16tastes like your mouth, don't it?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- I don't want to taste my mouth. - They want to ban fizzy drinks,
0:10:20 > 0:10:21don't know how they are going to
0:10:21 > 0:10:24come into my house and stop me doing it.... But I think if they ban it
0:10:24 > 0:10:27and make me drink water, then the opposite should apply
0:10:27 > 0:10:31when I go swimming, I should be allowed to swim in, like, Fanta.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35The thing is, they give you all these warnings, but I can't...
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I just ignore it, because the warnings aren't strong enough.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I can't stop smoking, for example, you know, they tell you
0:10:41 > 0:10:44all these bad things like heart disease, lung disease, I can't stop.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47They could tell me they were going to take my children away
0:10:47 > 0:10:48if I was, if I didn't stop smoking...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I would, like, cut down to ten.
0:10:52 > 0:10:5420% of kids, they reckon now,
0:10:54 > 0:10:59are obese by the time they leave junior school aged 11,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02so somebody needs to tell them that big school is just a name,
0:11:02 > 0:11:06it's not a description... they have to live up to.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08APPLAUSE
0:11:08 > 0:11:11It's the language they use, it's a paper thing
0:11:11 > 0:11:12because the headline I saw said
0:11:12 > 0:11:16that the Government have "declared war" on sugar -
0:11:16 > 0:11:20it's not really a war, is it...? Nobody's gone...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"Well, this morning we wrote to Tate and Lyle...
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"No response has been forthcoming.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30"I am afraid to tell you
0:11:30 > 0:11:34"that from this moment, we are at war with sugar."
0:11:34 > 0:11:36APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:41There is no war, there is no war.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43We are always using this term "war on..."
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"War on drugs", we've had "war on sugar", "war on drugs",
0:11:46 > 0:11:51and actually if you look at those two things, that's two opposite things.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Sugar makes kids fat, drugs make kids thin.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Maybe there is some middle ground...?
0:11:56 > 0:12:01In a family situation, smack can be a punishment and a reward...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05That's where I think we're going.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09OK, at the end of that round the points go to Rob, Susan and Andy!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Now we play a round called Gag of Thrones.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15This game involves Rob and Hal.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32So the first topic is Holidays. Who wants to come in on that...? Rob.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I love an holiday, I'm terrible at languages, though,
0:12:35 > 0:12:36when I go away - do you know what I mean?
0:12:36 > 0:12:40I still say jalapeno - I know it's hal-a-peno, but I don't speak
0:12:40 > 0:12:45English properly, I don't see why I should start having a go at Mexican.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I even like getting on the plane. The plane's fun.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I still love the symbol that says "No smoking".
0:12:49 > 0:12:51It's... Why have they got that there?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54When was the last time you saw someone trying to smoke on a plane?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57They might as well have "No barbecues" up there.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You know, I've never seen anyone on a plane like that...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"Sorry, sir, no smoking." "Since when?"
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I get worried on a plane with a little ashtray - I think,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09"How old's this plane?!" I went to Barcelona with the in-laws
0:13:09 > 0:13:11and my girlfriend, they're a bit posh and stuff.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13They go out for dinner, and I've got a basic palate.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15They're all eating like weird food.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"Rob, would you like some cured meats?"
0:13:17 > 0:13:21I was like, "It depends what was wrong with it in the first place."
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I don't do paella either, it's just busy rice, isn't it?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28It's a special fried rice that's got well out of hand.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32The thing is in Barcelona, what's weird is they try
0:13:32 > 0:13:35and sell you drugs late at night... it was really wild.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I was walking along. I was hungry, I hadn't had any dinner...
0:13:37 > 0:13:40This bloke came and went, "Coke, weed, pills?"
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"No thanks, mate, I'm after a bit of KFC." Right? He goes - "KFC?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45"I've got a bit of that."
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I was like, "No, you haven't, mate,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50"not unless you've got a deep fat fryer in your bum bag."
0:13:50 > 0:13:53As I go to walk off, he whips out a little plastic bag of powdery stuff.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54He was like, "Here it is, KFC!"
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I was like, "Yeah, 'course it is, mate(!)" And I walk off.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Ten minutes later, I think to myself...
0:13:59 > 0:14:02"What if that was the secret blend of 11 herbs and spices?"
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Thank you very much, Rob.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10OK, that leaves us with Hal, let's see what you've been left with,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12let's spin the wheel again...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15And the subject is Marriage.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17OK, off you go.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Right, um...
0:14:20 > 0:14:25I've been married 14 years, I know, I look too young...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28People say silly things if you've been married for a certain time.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31If you say you've been married for 14 years, people say,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"Oh, you get less for murder!" "Ha-ah!"
0:14:34 > 0:14:36You don't - I've checked.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Why do people compare marriage to prison as well?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46There's far more sex in prison, isn't there?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I am joking, obviously.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50My wife is absolutely my best friend,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52my best friend in the world, she is.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Obviously, I'm not her best friend, no - Lisa's her best friend!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02We've got two children as well, two girls...
0:15:02 > 0:15:05thank God, because I'd be rubbish with boys, wouldn't I?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Imagine a little boy coming home from school
0:15:07 > 0:15:10and saying, "Daddy, Billy Smith says I've got to bring £2
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"to school every day, or else I'm going to get a kicking."
0:15:12 > 0:15:13I went, "Calm down, ask Billy
0:15:13 > 0:15:18"if we can set up some sort of direct debit, whatever's easiest for him."
0:15:19 > 0:15:21My daughters worry about me.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I know that's wrong, but my oldest daughter, she came up to me
0:15:23 > 0:15:26when she was about eight, she did this, and this is absolutely true,
0:15:26 > 0:15:31she came up to me very seriously and said, "Daddy... ARE you gay?"
0:15:34 > 0:15:37My mum, my mum was always convinced I was gay.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I used to bring my wife and kids over to dinner.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42My mum would be going - "Oh, still living in denial?!"
0:15:42 > 0:15:44"Shut up, Mum."
0:15:45 > 0:15:48When I was 16 I brought my first proper girlfriend home
0:15:48 > 0:15:51and I said to my mum, "Can she stay over in my room?"
0:15:51 > 0:15:52My mum was like...
0:15:52 > 0:15:55LOUD NASALLY LAUGH
0:15:55 > 0:15:58"OK...ha-ha-ha...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01"but don't stay up all night talking about boys."
0:16:05 > 0:16:06OK, very good.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Points to Hal there. Well done, thank you very much.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Lovely, come and sit down.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12APPLAUSE
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:16:19 > 0:16:22what is happening. So, what's going on here?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24GROWLING
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Is it from the Uruguayan Daily News?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29"Shoulder-wielding thug...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34.."hurts our hero's precious tooth enamel."
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Is it three men trying to make up the French flag,
0:16:40 > 0:16:44and having a massive argument about it?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Is it the goalkeeper, the bloke in red going...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"I have an itch just there"?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"Just on the back of my knee...there...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"just there... There's good."
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Is it, "Suarez imagines a half-time orange"?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Is it, "England's opponents play sitting down
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"to give England a chance"?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Anyone know what it actually is?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Is it the Luis Suarez bite?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Of course it is, absolutely, thank you very much, Rob Beckett.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Yes, of course it's Luis Suarez, who has been banned from
0:17:19 > 0:17:23"all football-related activity" for four months, after FIFA
0:17:23 > 0:17:26found him guilty of biting Italian opponent Giorgio Chiellini.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30That's "all" - that's collecting stickers, that's doing keepy-uppy...
0:17:30 > 0:17:34if he goes online to play FIFA, it'll go, "No."
0:17:34 > 0:17:37It'll stop at nothing, nothing.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39He gets out of the team photo, he gets out of training,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42so basically, if you bite people you get out of doing stuff.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43So if I bit my mother-in-law,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46can I get out of that christening on Sunday?
0:17:46 > 0:17:47I'd imagine so.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51His argument in his defence was...
0:17:56 > 0:18:00"It was at that point in which my penis entered the vacuum cleaner..."
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"Which is why I am here now..."
0:18:03 > 0:18:04So, yours as well?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"..in this accident and emergency room."
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I thought it was quite erotic because it was just like that...
0:18:10 > 0:18:11"Ahh!"
0:18:16 > 0:18:19And, I mean, for me when I've bitten people in the past...
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Yes...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I would bite my initials into the back of the person
0:18:24 > 0:18:26that I was...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28What's wrong with that?!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Just sort of just an "S".
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- What are you? Zorro?- No.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Just... as they were sleeping...
0:18:35 > 0:18:36just gently...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- You marked them...- Just gently gnaw your initials into them...
0:18:39 > 0:18:43How heavily sedated were these partners of yours?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45# I'm just a little cockney
0:18:45 > 0:18:47# Getting bit on the back... #
0:18:47 > 0:18:49All I'm saying is, that, actually,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52not since Top Gun have I seen such a homoerotic scene.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Suarez just...- It was, quite.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I'll give you that. Because it came from nowhere and then he came in...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59He didn't quite nuzzle the man, it has to be said.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01He's doing nothing for people with big teeth.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I think you've got lovely teeth.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04You have got lovely teeth.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Thanks, but, when you was at school and you had big teeth,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08people were like, "Oh, are you going to bite me?"
0:19:08 > 0:19:10But now... "Yeah."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Loads of people were actually gathered outside his house...
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Loads of fans gathered outside his place.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Because it's apparently very easy to spot his house
0:19:25 > 0:19:27because there's a sign on the gate which says,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"The dog is the least of your worries."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33APPLAUSE
0:19:36 > 0:19:38If he's not allowed to take part in any football-related activity
0:19:38 > 0:19:42he could actually just come and play for England, couldn't he?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Have you seen that the Uruguayan head of state,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49he came out, in support of Suarez...what did he say?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53He said FIFA are a bunch of old bastards.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55That's interesting for a Head of State, isn't it?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58You wouldn't expect the Queen to come out and go,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"Oh, Sepp Blatter, what a tosser he is."
0:20:01 > 0:20:05It would be great to have her from the balcony going, "Wanker."
0:20:05 > 0:20:08What sort of reception did the England players get on their return?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Nothing.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11One man and a dog turned out.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14A crowd turned out. This is at the airport where they...
0:20:17 > 0:20:19It's not that surprising that nobody showed up.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22The England team spent almost as long in baggage reclaim
0:20:22 > 0:20:25as they did in the group stages.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28She's not even a fan, that one.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31She's the official that looks for illegally shipped ferrets.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34I got quoted in The Sun during the week
0:20:34 > 0:20:38because I tweeted midway through South Korea's last group game,
0:20:38 > 0:20:39because I was sick of every time,
0:20:39 > 0:20:44they just cut to another unfeasibly glamorous people who had clearly
0:20:44 > 0:20:46been put in by FIFA to create this image of,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48"Yeah, come to a FIFA World Cup event.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50"It's where fun people hang out."
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Instead of just what football matches are -
0:20:52 > 0:20:57just fat blokes from Newcastle stripped to the waist in December,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59going, "Oi!" And the amount of people who got
0:20:59 > 0:21:03really angry with me for "Taking our women away."
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Basically, you irritated people last week, and now you're
0:21:06 > 0:21:09mentioning it again so you can irritate them one more time.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11It was funny to watch them get angry about it.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12When there's a penalty shoot-out
0:21:12 > 0:21:15and they focus on the crowd, and they're all worried...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17"Oh, my God, we can go out of the World Cup."
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Then they go, "Big screen! Yeah!"
0:21:19 > 0:21:22There was an amazing clip of the linesman - have you seen that?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25He's on the big screen, he's got his flag kind of like that
0:21:25 > 0:21:27and then he seems to look like that and goes...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32The thing is, it just adds to the pressure...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I don't know how everyone else watches the football.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I enjoy the football immensely, especially when...you know, all day.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40You just make yourself comfortable - pants and vest,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44It's a Die Hard outfit. You're dressed like John McClane,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47you've got several tubs of Pringles so you can alternate between them.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I can fit my whole fist in the Pringles...
0:21:52 > 0:21:56So you've got crisps on you, the cat's licking it off your face,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59you're just lying and then on the screen there's this beautiful
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Brazilian woman...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03"Oooh-ooh!"
0:22:03 > 0:22:06And you're like, "FUCK YOU! Just FUCK YOU."
0:22:06 > 0:22:10I agree, I entirely agree.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12It also, it creates a false impression.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15And also one of the joys of watching sport, all sport,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17is half that room are really unhappy.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I want to see the unhappy ones.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Show me the child whose face got painted, now crying it off.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27That's what I want to watch in sport...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Not, "Hey we're so beautiful."
0:22:29 > 0:22:31HE MIMICS CRYING
0:22:31 > 0:22:32That's why I tune in.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35You need a tearful Scouser - that's football.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- Not FIFA with their, like... - HE MIMICS JAUNTY MUSIC
0:22:39 > 0:22:42No, that's not football - that's not sport at all.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45At the end of that round the points go to Rob, Susan and Andy!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54So if everyone can make their way to the performance area, please.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I'll read out this week's topics
0:22:56 > 0:22:58and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00The first subject tonight is...
0:23:06 > 0:23:11Apologies, the sport you're watching is apparently squash,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14and not as I said earlier, tennis in prison.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Oh, I am sorry, you don't
0:23:21 > 0:23:24need a lip-reader to see what he said after that challenge.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26He said, "Fuck off!"
0:23:32 > 0:23:34180!
0:23:34 > 0:23:35This man is rubbish at golf.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44Nee-ow! Nee-ow! Nee-ow!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46He's clearly hurt his knee.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Italy have had three shots in the second half -
0:23:52 > 0:23:54tetanus, rabies, and hepatitis.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00And here come the coxless four,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02so the women's tennis doubles can begin.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10And as we wait for the final of the butterfly,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12it's hard to believe that just yesterday
0:24:12 > 0:24:15all these competitors were still caterpillars.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25And there's a new event here at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow,
0:24:25 > 0:24:30yes, get ready for shouting at your own reflection in a shop window.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Wow, unbelievable service -
0:24:37 > 0:24:39three full bars on T-Mobile.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47And there's been a nasty clash in the Nigeria-Brazil game -
0:24:47 > 0:24:49lime green with yellow...ugh!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55For those of you who want to watch the equestrian events,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58get your butler to press the red button.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Welcome to the Nazi pro-am golf tournament.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Hitler, as usual...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10is in the bunker.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Wayne Rooney has managed the full 90.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Previously, his eldest was 76.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28And the queen takes the bishop.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31This is turning out to be quite the royal wedding.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37And Suarez is being substituted.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39He's not injured, he's just full.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48What an incredible backhand there from the Qatari President.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54All right, the next topic is...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02We meet at last, Mr Bond.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I'm from the Child Support Agency.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I will look for you, I will find you.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15And when I do - you count to ten and try and find me.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25The story about the man that was killed getting a blow job - Die Hard.
0:26:30 > 0:26:36I have your wife, and unless you give me 15 million,
0:26:36 > 0:26:37I will give her back to you.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Someone in here is the killer.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Is it John? Is it Sally?
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Or is it that massive bear?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Yes, it's definitely semen.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10OK. Let me talk to the navy seals.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12HE MAKES SEAL NOISES
0:27:17 > 0:27:21They were strangers on a train, and they remained that way
0:27:21 > 0:27:22because they were British.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30The cause of death is unknown but his last words were,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33"Parachutes are for pussies!"
0:27:39 > 0:27:41There's a mole in our organisation.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Toad, Ratty, Badger... any idea who it might be?
0:27:50 > 0:27:54You are too late, too late - look at the timer.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56In 15 seconds...
0:27:56 > 0:27:58my ready-meal will be ready.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Say hello to my little friend Alan.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09"Hello."
0:28:12 > 0:28:15The truth? You can't handle the truth!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Thank you for signing up for the MailOnline website.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26And that was the horrible moment that the comedian
0:28:26 > 0:28:29realised that it wasn't a good thing to look like an Asian Rolf Harris.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34OK, at the end of that round,
0:28:34 > 0:28:36the points go to Rob, Susan and Andy!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45That's the end of the show. This week's winners are
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Andy Parsons, Susan Calman and Rob Beckett.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Commiserations to Romesh Ranganathan,
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Hugh Dennis and Hal Cruttenden.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:29:09 > 0:29:14# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:29:15 > 0:29:18# Read all about it
0:29:18 > 0:29:20# Read all about it
0:29:20 > 0:29:22# News of the world
0:29:22 > 0:29:23# News of the world. #