0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:09# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# But don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Read all about it
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Read all about it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# News of the world News of the world... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Read all about it
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# News of the world News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Tiff Stevenson and
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Josh Widdicombe, Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55On the board are six categories.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Tiff, which category would you like?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- I'll go for Home News. - OK, your category is Home News.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01The answer is...
0:01:03 > 0:01:05What is the question?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Is it how far The Proclaimers got
0:01:07 > 0:01:10before they went, "Nah, she's not worth it"?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13If Scotland votes yes to independence,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17how high should they build the new Hadrian's Wall?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Is it, what distance from a roundabout
0:01:26 > 0:01:28is too soon to slow down?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Is it, what distance is the nearest
0:01:33 > 0:01:36that the HS2 route goes to David Cameron's house?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Is it, if you turn on Grindr in Russia,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42where is your closest match?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50What is the distance between Bjork and reality?
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Is it, how long can a lorry driver go without needing a shit?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01That's an average. That's not just a stat...
0:02:01 > 0:02:04He's not like a microwave oven, he doesn't go "ding!"
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Is it how far you have to walk
0:02:08 > 0:02:10to complete a full circuit of IKEA?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Is it, if you travel 340 miles by Megabus,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20for how long are you regretting that decision?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Hey, I run a very good bus company, I won't hear a word against it!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Is it, how much closer has the Islamic caliphate
0:02:28 > 0:02:30got in the last five minutes?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Satirical. It simply didn't work.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36The reason it didn't work is because you're sitting next to someone
0:02:36 > 0:02:39who looks so much like he could be a Muslim. People are nervous.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- We're not sure.- I should've laughed,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43then you guys would have been all right.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48APPLAUSE
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Is the answer,
0:02:53 > 0:02:57how far did the Tour de France go through Britain this week?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Josh.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Yes. The question I was looking for was,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07what is the total distance of the three British stages of this
0:03:07 > 0:03:10year's Tour de France, which began in Yorkshire at the weekend?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Did you watch it?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- It was brilliant, yeah. - Coming through London.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18I thought that it was to show British cycling at its best,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21they should probably have, when they got to central London,
0:03:21 > 0:03:22had to get a Boris bike.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It's a bit strange that they've now gone to France.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29The fourth stage is in France, they've gone to France by train or ferry.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33When the obvious answer is, send them across the Channel on a pedalo.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39It's exciting. It was in Yorkshire but it still wasn't very Yorkshire.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43There was part of me that was hoping on the final descent they would
0:03:43 > 0:03:46be overtaken by the guy from Last of the Summer Wine in a bath.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Whilst playing the Hovis music!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50It was a very happy Yorkshire, wasn't it?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53That is a lot of people's traditional view of Yorkshire.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56That they would've sat and watched it go past and then go,
0:03:56 > 0:03:57"Ehh."
0:03:58 > 0:04:00A nice clash of cultures.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I like the idea of Yorkshire people with French people
0:04:03 > 0:04:05and we're hoping for a big romance to bloom,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I've got a Yorkshire woman chatting up a French cyclist,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"Ay up, love, voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir."
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"That would be amazing, pet."
0:04:15 > 0:04:20It was York down to Sheffield, then it was bus to Cambridge,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22then cycle to London.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24A very familiar journey
0:04:24 > 0:04:27if you've ever tried to catch a train on a Sunday.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32What I like about it is they've given French names to stuff,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35but then you still have, like, Yorkshire bits in.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Like, you've got the Buttertubs Pass
0:04:37 > 0:04:39has become Cote de Buttertubs.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42It is quality.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44It is like when you hear,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48when I see my family speaking in their mother tongue, we talk
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and then you have to throw in an English word, like...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53HE SPEAKS IN THAT LANGUAGE
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"..King's Cross St Pancras."
0:04:57 > 0:05:00They did change all the names into French to get publicity,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03all of the pubs changed names, didn't they?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05All the pubs throughout Yorkshire changed their name into French.
0:05:05 > 0:05:11And you think, how cross was the manager of Pret a Manger in...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER DROWNS HIM OUT
0:05:15 > 0:05:19One of the pubs that changed its name was called The Yew Tree.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Now, I think they should consider a name change, anyway, in that pub.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I mean, it's been a huge topic,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27but I wouldn't have themed a pub around it!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I mean, Planet Hollywood wasn't a pleasant visit,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35at the best of times, but The Yew Tree...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38What, "family fun at The Yew Tree"? I don't think so!
0:05:38 > 0:05:42I just like the fact that you got to see somebody on a bike
0:05:42 > 0:05:45with a drug problem who hadn't just stolen my mobile phone.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Watching the BBC coverage on that first day, they described,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54they said, there is 2.5 million people out in Yorkshire
0:05:54 > 0:05:58and they described in many areas that the crowds were "dense".
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Now...
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I thought that was unnecessary
0:06:02 > 0:06:04and somewhat regionalist, myself.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I watched the coverage of it coming into London and, although, you know,
0:06:09 > 0:06:13it had stopped being in Yorkshire, but the commentator was incredibly Yorkshire.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16When they were commentating and looking
0:06:16 > 0:06:19at the different places in London, the bloke went, "There's the Shard.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23"The Shard was finished just in time for the Olympic Games.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26"You can go right to the top of the Shard, it's very expensive..."
0:06:31 > 0:06:34If you are an avid fan of the Tour de France, as I am,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37as they go on, there's always a helicopter shot to break up
0:06:37 > 0:06:40shots of the cyclists, of whatever local chateaux there are,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43whatever, which they, sort of, did a version of.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45But there is one shot of Trafalgar Square
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and the camera of the helicopter slowly rotating
0:06:47 > 0:06:51around Nelson's Column, and you are going, I would like
0:06:51 > 0:06:52to hear the French commentary -
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- FRENCH ACCENT: - "Nobody knows who this man is!"
0:06:58 > 0:06:59APPLAUSE
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Yes, what, by the way, endangered the safety of riders
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- during the stage? - People talking selfies.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11And they, basically, obviously, they, sort of, would have their back
0:07:11 > 0:07:15to the peloton and so they couldn't actually see them coming.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20And you think, it's just a new form of natural selection, basically, isn't it?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Wasn't there a lad who got a selfie with the Queen?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Yes, the Queen visited Belfast a couple of weeks ago and, yes,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29it was relatively... He did it really smoothly.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33You'd hardly spot it happening. Here is a picture of it here.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36That's amazing.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40The picture you want is what that guy behind him is about to do now.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Belfast isn't the place to suddenly jump out
0:07:44 > 0:07:46at a member of the Royals, though, is it?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49That's a very... It's a very brave move.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50APPLAUSE
0:07:50 > 0:07:52In other news...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55What medical problem has David Cameron
0:07:55 > 0:07:57warned the world about this week?
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Posh twat syndrome.
0:08:00 > 0:08:06This is super bugs that are resistant to the current crop of antibiotics.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Yes. Yes, yes. Resistant in a proper medical sense,
0:08:08 > 0:08:12rather than resisting in the kind of, "Oh, I'm not fond of it."
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Apparently, the reason bacteria have got so much worse
0:08:16 > 0:08:18is that all the good bacteria
0:08:18 > 0:08:20have been put into yoghurt.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25APPLAUSE
0:08:26 > 0:08:30He said it's going to send medicine back to the Dark Ages.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I'm not going to go to the doctor.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34If I turn up with Athlete's foot
0:08:34 > 0:08:38and end up getting burned as a witch, I'm not getting involved!
0:08:38 > 0:08:39It could be your only choice.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42The guy who farms leeches is going, "Well, well, well."
0:08:44 > 0:08:45I knew you'd come back.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48"You've all come crawling back now, haven't you,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50"with your infections and whatnot?"
0:08:50 > 0:08:54He has had probably quite a bad few years, the guy that farms leeches.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56It's been a rough 300 years or so,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59since the madness of George III.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01But since, you know, he is still waiting with his...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04just stroking the leeches, "Oh, yes,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06"they shall come back to us.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"Oh, I don't let the leeches on my arm, the leech is stuck to my arm.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10"I can't get it off."
0:09:11 > 0:09:15The thing that worries me about going back to the Dark Ages is,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18if you go back to the Middle Ages with medicine,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20the thing that really worries me is keyhole surgery.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Have you seen the size
0:09:22 > 0:09:23of a medieval keyhole?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28The thing is, I think everybody has known this.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31The doctors prescribe antibiotics too much.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Every time you go to the doctor, "I feel fluey..."
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- INDIAN ACCENT:- "Antibiotics."
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"My leg hurts... My leg hurts."
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- INDIAN ACCENT:- "Antibiotics."
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"I think I'm developing a bacteria that's resistant to antibiotics..."
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- INDIAN ACCENT:- "Antibiotics."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Tell you what, if I'd done that impression,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I would've got a lot different reaction.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53It would have been fine, because I would've gone, "Ha-ha-ha!"
0:09:53 > 0:09:56APPLAUSE
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- It's like the power of life or death.- I could end any of you.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07There was...
0:10:07 > 0:10:13You're right, though, I'm not now sucking up to you. This is not new.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16The timing of Cameron getting on board does feel
0:10:16 > 0:10:18a bit like... "I've got a press conference..."
0:10:18 > 0:10:19And all hands shoot up and go,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"What about Coulson?!"
0:10:21 > 0:10:23And Cameron went, "Coulson?"
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"People are dying here, for God's sake!"
0:10:25 > 0:10:27He brought it up, didn't he?
0:10:27 > 0:10:32He said he brought up resistant superbugs at the last G7 meeting
0:10:32 > 0:10:36and, apparently, Vladimir Putin was very interested in buying some.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42How has a scientist in America been putting the world at risk?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45He has, kind of, mutated a strain of bird flu, hasn't he?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- Yes, he has.- To make it, it's transmissible now between
0:10:48 > 0:10:51bird and human. It's a thing we've tried to avoid.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53No, it's not transmitted between
0:10:53 > 0:10:56bird and human, it's transmitted between duck and ferret.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- That's a pub in Yorkshire. - It is, yeah.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I'm concerned he's never seen a zombie film,
0:11:03 > 0:11:04cos this is how they all start.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07They all begin with this, they all begin with this.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Didn't they compare it to a film though? Contagion.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12It was in one of the papers and they gave
0:11:12 > 0:11:16two historical examples. Historical examples of a viral infection.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19There was Spanish flu, which killed 57 million
0:11:19 > 0:11:22and the film Contagion, in which 26 million people died.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25You're going, "No, the film Contagion, nobody actually died,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"that didn't happen, that was all fictional." You might as well say,
0:11:29 > 0:11:33"It uses a laser similar to the one used in the Death Star
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"which blew up the planet Alderaan."
0:11:36 > 0:11:39If he wanted to compare it to a film that brought suffering to millions,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41they should have compared it to Princess Monaco of Kent.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45No, is that her name? I don't know! Princess I don't know her fucking name,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I just know it's a terrible film.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Princess Grace of Monaco. - I'm never talking again.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51"Princess Monaco of Kent!"
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Your wife works in medicine, doesn't she?- She does. She's a doctor.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Do you reckon this is true, do you reckon you can tell what
0:12:03 > 0:12:05someone's going to be like in bed, depending on
0:12:05 > 0:12:07which area of medicine they work in?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Because you've got, like, the paramedics -
0:12:10 > 0:12:12this could end badly -
0:12:12 > 0:12:14the paramedics like a quick in and out.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Then, the GPs. They cover a lot of the body, but don't know
0:12:17 > 0:12:20what they're doing, and surgeons, who like to go and have
0:12:20 > 0:12:22a rummage and leave something behind they shouldn't.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Often, if you sleep with a GP
0:12:25 > 0:12:28and you go, "Is there any chance we can do something special?"
0:12:28 > 0:12:32"Oh, no, we'll have to refer you to a..."
0:12:32 > 0:12:35LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:42At the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Hugh and Gary.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Now, we play a round called Tour de Fra-ha-ha-ha-ha-nce.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49This game involves Tiff and Gary.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51If you could make your way to the performance area.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I launch the wheel of news and, wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59one of our performers talks about that subject.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03The first subject is Dating.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- OK, I'll take that.- OK, Tiff.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I'm pretty glad I'm not single any more,
0:13:08 > 0:13:13cos I'm 36, so I'm at that age where I've had to start saying to guys,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16"Seriously, do you mind not talking to my face - they're right here."
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Actually, more like, here now.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I'm not saying guys don't approach me any more in bars - they do,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26but it is to get around me.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30And a guy came up to me recently in a nightclub and he went,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33"Excuse me", and I went...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"Yes?" And he went, "No, just excuse me."
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I don't really understand, though, the whole objectification of women,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43like, until I missed it, right.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46You know, I didn't think I'd miss sexism,
0:13:46 > 0:13:50but that's what getting older does. Because I was always confused
0:13:50 > 0:13:53by hearing guys talk about women in bars,
0:13:53 > 0:13:58and objectifying them going, "Are you a boobs guy or a bum guy?"
0:13:58 > 0:14:01And as a women, that's really offensive, right.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Because woman, we don't sit around going, "Are you a balls girl
0:14:04 > 0:14:06"or are you a penis girl?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"Are you a balls girl, or are you a penis girl?"
0:14:10 > 0:14:13And I tell you why that is - that is because
0:14:13 > 0:14:16no woman in the history of the world has ever said,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18"Do you know what, I'm just a balls girl, me.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28"I just really love a pair of balls, I just love a pair of balls.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33"I like how they're dry and clammy, at the same time, wrinkly,
0:14:33 > 0:14:37"but weirdly smooth, red and brown,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39"I like moving them
0:14:39 > 0:14:43"around in my hand, like they're Chinese meditation balls."
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Well done, Tiff Stevenson.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51That leaves us with Gary. Let's see what you're left with,
0:14:51 > 0:14:52let's spin the wheel.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55And the topic is Health.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02The doctor told me to lose some weight. I said, "How"?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05He said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "What, pies,
0:15:05 > 0:15:09"chips, that kind of thing?" He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I was thrown out of Weightwatchers for making sarcastic comments
0:15:18 > 0:15:22during the weekly weigh-in. As you can imagine, I accepted
0:15:22 > 0:15:25the decision with huge grace - because they threw her out, as well.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33The chair of the Dyslexic Society was recently given an OBE.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36He said "What's the point? I can't play the bloody thing."
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I live next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49I bet they've got a few skeletons in the closet.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53A friend of mine has been suffering from paranoid delusions.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56And now he thinks he's a Chocolate Orange.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59My worry is, he's going to be sectioned.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Poor Terry.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I thought PPI was just something that you could get
0:16:07 > 0:16:09if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't pleased.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I once met a girl who confused a tube of KY Jelly with superglue.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28I asked her how it happened, but sadly her lips were sealed.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Thank you!
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Very good. Well done, both of you. Points there to Tiffany Stevenson.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Come back and sit down.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Good work.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48I show the panel a topical image and ask them what's happening.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50So, what's going on here?
0:16:50 > 0:16:55Is this when they got the news Cliff Richard had been caught in traffic?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Are they in fact watching Prince Philip trying to talk
0:16:58 > 0:17:00to the Williams sisters?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Is it, erm, news in from the Palace, the Queen is dead?
0:17:07 > 0:17:11AUDIENCE GASP
0:17:11 > 0:17:13What, they get their news from...?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16"I didn't hear that story appear during the week!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18"You'd think they would have got more coverage
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"than a passing reference on Mock The Week!"
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Have they just seen themselves on the giant screen?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Have Kate and Wills hired private detectives to spy on each other?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Have they just found out that
0:17:38 > 0:17:40the Royal Premiere of Mrs Brown's Boys has been cancelled?
0:17:42 > 0:17:43I think I know what it is.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47They have just witnessed Princess Monaco of Kent.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52Finally! Finally she's returned.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54This is a new thing where they do,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57like, public executions of illegal immigrants.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59AUDIENCE GASP They don't really. Come on, guys.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Do your laugh, do your laugh, Romesh.- Oh, sorry.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04CONTRIVED LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I found that good, that was OK!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Anyone know what it actually is?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I think they're at Wimbledon, aren't they?
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Yes, they are at Wimbledon, thank you very much, Hugh.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Yes, of course, this is a picture of Prince William
0:18:20 > 0:18:23and Kate Middleton cheering on Roger Federer, before he was
0:18:23 > 0:18:27defeated by Novak Djokovic in the men's Wimbledon final.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Seven-time champion Federer lost in five sets
0:18:29 > 0:18:33to Djokovic in a gripping match that lasted nearly four hours.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37He won, he ate the grass, or as some people were saying,
0:18:37 > 0:18:42he lost his balance and hit the court with his teeth.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47He said the grass was the best meal he'd ever had. Which, I mean,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51I've not tried Serbian food, but it must be...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Also, if he ever wins on clay,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56it's going to be an absolute horror show, isn't it?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Is that what they mean when they say a tennis player's seeded?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02It looks like he's getting ready to get seeded right there.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Also, it's pretty dangerous, with Boris Becker there in the crowd
0:19:12 > 0:19:14shouting, "Roger, Roger!" It's dangerous.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17He's going to take that as an instruction
0:19:17 > 0:19:19and start looking for a waitress, isn't he?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21He's scary-looking now, Becker.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24He looks like he's got a permanent allergic reaction to a bee sting.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Sort of like a boiled ham in a wig.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31It was lucky that they finished when they did.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34The smell of burning in the players' box.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37People were going, "We've got to get Boris out of the sunshine!"
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Either that or brush him with a bit of egg.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42We've got to do something.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47I like how after he won he dedicated the prize to his future wife
0:19:47 > 0:19:48and future baby.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51And all the audience went, "Ah, that's so sweet!"
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Apart from his current wife and current baby.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57It was obviously sad that Murray got knocked out in the quarterfinal.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59He was effing and blinding, wasn't he?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01"Five minutes before the bloody game!"
0:20:01 > 0:20:03And people were saying they were shocked by him.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05But let's face it,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08a Scotsman walking around talking to themselves,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10shouting expletives to nobody in particular -
0:20:10 > 0:20:14it's not really that much of a shock, is it?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17With Murray, there's always that thing, that sort of age-old joke
0:20:17 > 0:20:20where, when he's winning, he's British, and when he's losing, he's Scottish.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22And this time, he got battered,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24and you can't get more Scottish than that.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28APPLAUSE
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Sorry if you're watching. - That'll be...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Andy Murray, big fan of the show. OK.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36What was special about the women's final this year?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- It was short. - It was, it was quite brief.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40It's weird, innit? Cos it's normally the men that are quicker.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Hello!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Hello! That just happened.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- There was Eugenie Bouchard. - Eugenie Bouchard.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54She made it into the final and she's named after the Royal family,
0:20:54 > 0:20:56her and her twin sister Beatrice, which is why
0:20:56 > 0:21:00now she spends her entire life flying around the world
0:21:00 > 0:21:03earning large amounts of money for doing a few hours' work each week.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Has to be actual members of the Royal family, though, which is
0:21:06 > 0:21:08why she doesn't have a brother called Harry.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Yep, or an auntie called Monaco of Kent.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18Is this episode going to end up with all of us hung for treason?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Or being carried through the streets of Dublin.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27APPLAUSE
0:21:29 > 0:21:32In other news, what did French police recently lose at Marseille airport?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35A giant Toblerone.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36This is fantastic.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39They did... They were doing a security test, weren't they?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41They got sniffer dogs to find explosives, Semtex,
0:21:41 > 0:21:46that they had hidden, and the dogs couldn't find the explosives.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48And then the policeman who had hidden the explosives
0:21:48 > 0:21:51couldn't remember where they had hidden them.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55If a sniffer dog can't sniff out the bomb, then that's just a dog.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00That is... That is a tough thing, to tear into a dog,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02take that badge of a dog.
0:22:02 > 0:22:07- You're just demoted to a dog. - HE WHINES
0:22:07 > 0:22:08You're off the force!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11This explosive they lost, I gather it was called C-4.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16- C-4, yeah.- Which presumably means they got another chance to find it again an hour later on C-4+1.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20APPLAUSE
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I suspect the problem, honestly, with the sniffer dog,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26was that it had been sniffing drugs all afternoon,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28couldn't remember what explosives smelt like.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31"I'm supposed to be looking for some C-4, man,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35"but I am off my tits, bruv, I tell you.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"This has been the best day ever."
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- RAPIDLY:- D-d-do you want my screenplay?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Yeah, it's about a dog, it's about a dog, who's a sniffer dog, and has lots of adventurers.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46It's really good, I've worked on it for a long time, actually.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- HE SNIFFS - Aaaahhh!
0:22:49 > 0:22:55Wow! We should do this more! We should do this more! This is great!! Aaahhh!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Apparently, that's what it's like. Erm...
0:22:58 > 0:23:02OK, at the end of that road, points go to Josh, Tiff and Andy.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16If everyone can make their way to the performance area please, I'll read this week's topics
0:23:16 > 0:23:20and then see what our panellists can come up with. Here we go.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22The first subject is...
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I think you may have to wear braces.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32It's just that you're very fat and your trousers keep falling down.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I'm just a bit surprised, that's all. When I said "spit it out,"
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I wasn't expecting you to say you were shagging my wife.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Hello, is that Mr Chang? We need to change your appointment.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53No, we can do 2:15 or 2:45.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Welcome to Dick Van Dyke, the dentist.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I'm afraid it's worse than bad breath.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06You've got supercalifragalistic extreme halitosis.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I wouldn't say that your root canal is in a bad way,
0:24:14 > 0:24:16but I've just found a shopping trolley in it.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Do you want a lollipop for being such a brave boy?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Of course you do, that's why your teeth look like cheesy Wotsits, you little prick.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34And now, if you inhale the gas
0:24:34 > 0:24:37and try and guess what I had for breakfast.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Yep, you're right. They are false.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Had a good feel while she was unconscious.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Eeeeeeeeee!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57No, don't worry. That's not the sound of the drill,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00it's just that my receptionist's a Scouser.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07The dental hygienist will see you soon.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08She's just going for a shit.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Upper right six. Lower left seven.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Sorry, I'll be with you as soon as I've finished this game of Battleships.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Can I think of a celebrity whose veneers I'd like to copy?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Probably Princess Monaco of Kent.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Why do I want a crown?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Well, I'm Princess Monaco of Kent.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52This is most unusual, Madame. You don't seem to have any teeth at all.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55What's that? You're here for a smear test? That's next door.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00OK, the next topic is...
0:26:00 > 0:26:04LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:12The next topic is...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19And Sleeping Beauty slept for 100 nights.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21In fairness, it had been a massive bender.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29"Ah, Black Beauty," she said.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32"I'm glad I bought you rather than the Rampant Rabbit."
0:26:37 > 0:26:40The dragon looked at him scarily.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42The little Hobbit stepped up to him and said,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44"Hello, I'm Josh Widdicombe."
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- I'm not doing the laugh. I'm not doing a laugh.- You are!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59"What big eyes you have, Grandma," said Little Red Riding Hood.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00"Yes," said Grandma,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03"I'm off my tits on methamphetamine."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10You do not like green eggs and ham?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Well, tough - this is a Wetherspoon's.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Mr Toad, Ratty and Badger all went on an adventure in the motor car.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Then, Mr Toad accidentally said something racist on camera
0:27:23 > 0:27:26and was on his final warning from the BBC.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31"I bet you wish you were like me -
0:27:31 > 0:27:36"I fall over all the time and I never hurt myself," said Mr Bounce.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"Oh, fuck off," said Mark Cavendish.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48And behind the jumpers and the coats at the back of the wardrobe, there he was -
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Julian Assange.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56I'll huff and I'll puff
0:27:56 > 0:27:58and I'll blow you for £5.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08"Well, what shall we call our baby?" said Mr Dizzy.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10"Ooh, let's think," said Miss Rascal.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Spot wondered why he'd been placed into the sack with the brick.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26But either way, this was going to be the best trip to the canal ever.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33The Fat Controller went on a business strategy course
0:28:33 > 0:28:35and, from then on, he wanted to be known as
0:28:35 > 0:28:38the horizontally-gifted chief operations manager.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46"Well, Cinderella," she said. "I'm your fairy princess.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49"Princess Monaco of Kent."
0:28:49 > 0:28:52HE MOUTHS
0:28:56 > 0:29:00Charlie couldn't believe he was being allowed into the chocolate factory.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.
0:29:14 > 0:29:19It was maybe because Mr Tickle could reach around doorways and through windows
0:29:19 > 0:29:22that he came to the attention of Operation Yewtree.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30And then you just have to try and pay your mortgage off before you die.
0:29:30 > 0:29:31Good night, son.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39And at the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Hugh and Gary.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43CHEERING APPLAUSE
0:29:44 > 0:29:46And that's the end of the show.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Tiff Stevenson and Josh Widdicombe.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53CHEERING
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Commiserations to Romesh Ranganathan Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.