0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Read about the things that happen
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# throughout the world
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Don't believe in everything
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# you see or hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world
0:00:22 > 0:00:23# News of the world
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# Read all about it
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# News of the world
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# News of the world. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons
0:00:41 > 0:00:44and Russell Kane, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55I show the panel a topical image
0:00:55 > 0:00:57and ask them to tell me what's happening.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00So, what is going on here?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03The worst stag do ever.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Is it the picture that Angela Merkel's going to send
0:01:07 > 0:01:09David Cameron for his Christmas card?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13This is just a mark of how confident the German team were,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16because that is actually before the game.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Angela Merkel is actually in the starting 11.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26It's nice to see a picture, though, of German men
0:01:26 > 0:01:29with one arm in the air that doesn't feel threatening, isn't it?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33There was a lot of that, when you watched the celebrations,
0:01:33 > 0:01:34people like, "Wahey!" And you were like,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37"Just throw the other one up. Just throw the other one up."
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Do you reckon Wayne Rooney looked at that picture and thought,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42"Why couldn't we have had a prostitute that age?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44"Right up my street."
0:01:44 > 0:01:46People are accusing the Germans of arrogance,
0:01:46 > 0:01:47but this photo, was, in fact,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50actually taken at the end of Neymar's hospital bed.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I need somebody to tell me what it is.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57And we all know what it is, but I need...
0:01:57 > 0:01:58You actually need someone to tell you?!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Yes, cos I haven't seen any of these things. Who are these men?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04What is the event they're attending?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Please, I have recently arrived in this country from foreign shores
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and I'm unfamiliar with your traditions.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12It's the German team in the dressing room having won the World Cup
0:02:12 > 0:02:14with Chancellor Merkel.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- No, no.- Absolutely, of course. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- How did you...?!- I don't know. APPLAUSE
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Yes, of course, this is a picture of the victorious German football team
0:02:24 > 0:02:26celebrating their World Cup win in the dressing room
0:02:26 > 0:02:28with Chancellor Angela Merkel.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Germany defeated Argentina in the final
0:02:30 > 0:02:32by a single goal from Mario Gotze in extra time,
0:02:32 > 0:02:33becoming the first European team
0:02:33 > 0:02:35ever to win a World Cup in South America.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Were you shouting for anyone, or not for anyone or...?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Most English people were shouting for Germany,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44which is a first, really, isn't it? Let's face it.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47But I guess compared to Argentina, you know,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49people find Germany preferable on the whole
0:02:49 > 0:02:51because at least they don't keep asking us
0:02:51 > 0:02:53to give them France back, do they? So...
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Personally I was at a Six Senses spa having a paraffin wrap,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00so I didn't catch it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Zoe, were you watching it? - I did watch it.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06It was difficult as an England fan to watch Germany versus Argentina.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10It's like - typhoid or cholera, which would you prefer?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Is it still a thing, though?
0:03:12 > 0:03:13I think it is still a thing,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15because I was kind of backing Germany
0:03:15 > 0:03:18cos we hate them less now, yeah.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19I thought... I didn't mind who won.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I just, like... It was a good game - but I found it very difficult
0:03:22 > 0:03:24just watching as an England fan
0:03:24 > 0:03:26because it's all gone so wrong for England,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29and I bet if you're watching in four years' time on Dave -
0:03:29 > 0:03:31we're still shit, aren't we?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33APPLAUSE
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I could never support the Argentinians,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41not after what Maradona did at Wembley in 2003.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43He didn't sing Material Girl.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52The one I love, the guy I loved being there is Putin,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- because he was there, cos they're hosting the next one.- Yes.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57And every country that hosts it is desperate to win,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59and he must have been looking at that final thinking,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"The only way that Russia are going to win
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"is if we invade Germany."
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Putin sitting next to Blatter was the finest photograph
0:04:10 > 0:04:12in the history of democracy.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"How do you win your elections?"
0:04:14 > 0:04:17"Oh, I never run against anyone."
0:04:17 > 0:04:18"Me neither, ha! High-five."
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"High-five."
0:04:20 > 0:04:22The death of Brazilian football,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- that's what they'd witnessed. - Ah, yeah, that was...
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Not funny, but interesting. - Well, you say that...
0:04:27 > 0:04:30It was kind of funny.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33A few weeks ago, I was talking about the heads,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36the way they're over-emphasising the pretty women in the crowd
0:04:36 > 0:04:37type shots all the time,
0:04:37 > 0:04:43and I, on the show, called for more shots of children crying. And...
0:04:43 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:47And then when they posted that one of a small boy
0:04:47 > 0:04:50just blubbing his eyes... He's pushing his glasses out of his face,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54and he's got a Coca Cola can, which is beautiful branding,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57absolutely spectacular branding.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02And he's weeping into it - and I got sent that image
0:05:02 > 0:05:04four or five thousand times on Twitter
0:05:04 > 0:05:08in the minute after it was posted with the words, "Happy now?"
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Yes, yes, I was. I was thrilled.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15You think Brazil got humiliated,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18but did you see Joe Hart in that shampoo ad?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20No, obviously not.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26There were headlines about Brazil, going,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Brazil - Finally We Know Shame."
0:05:28 > 0:05:31You're going, "You are aware of what the rest of the world refers to
0:05:31 > 0:05:34"when they say 'A Brazilian'."
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Your name is not always merely associated with beautiful football
0:05:37 > 0:05:40but also pubic topiary.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43That's probably the problem, their formation's just too narrow.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45They have to play one, one, one, one, one, one, one.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47And the goalie was the arsehole.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51You know, in the semifinal, when Neymar was injured,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54they made him sit on the bench in full kit..
0:05:54 > 0:05:55- Did you see that?- Yeah.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58As a sort of talisman. And you think that is just ridiculous,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00he's not allowed to play - who would we do that with?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03We'd have to do it with Bobby Charlton?
0:06:03 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:05We should do that -
0:06:05 > 0:06:08we should just have Frankie Boyle just sitting there.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Not saying anything...
0:06:11 > 0:06:17Just angrily staring across at any use of whimsy.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20As a non sports fan, as a non sports fan, are you relieved it's over?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21The main thing that's fascinating for me
0:06:21 > 0:06:24about British culture is the fact that viewing figures went up
0:06:24 > 0:06:26when it started to go horribly wrong for Brazil.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28That says everything about us as a culture.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Particularly our men, like people like my dad, whose humour...
0:06:31 > 0:06:32The last time my dad laughed
0:06:32 > 0:06:35was when he saw a Jaguar written off on the M11.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38COCKNEY ACCENT: "Look at the state of that. Ha, ha, ha!"
0:06:39 > 0:06:41People in Britain say, "No, I can't stand football."
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"Brazil are losing, people are sobbing."
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"Switch it on. Classic."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I wasn't impressed with Mr Messi, though.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49It wasn't like the book at all.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:55APPLAUSE
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Of course, Luis Suarez has gone to Barcelona - 75 million.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04He apparently had a celebration meal with his mum in Uruguay.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Well, I say he had a celebration meal -
0:07:06 > 0:07:10apparently he lost his balance and the meal hit him in the teeth.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15And on the BBC it also coincided with Alan Hansen's last game, didn't it?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17And nobody asked him the question,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I've always wanted to ask him about that scar...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22WHEN he was attacked by Lord Voldemort.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I wonder if any old German war criminals gave themselves away,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29watching that match.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Because there's a few of them in Argentina, isn't there?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33That were watching it in their local pub,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35and they just went, "YES! Oh, no, sorry."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39One campaign, by the way, that also slightly kind of backfired
0:07:39 > 0:07:41is Singapore ran an anti-gambling campaign
0:07:41 > 0:07:43about a young kid called Andy,
0:07:43 > 0:07:48and it was about how Andy's dad had wasted their family's money
0:07:48 > 0:07:49because he was a gambler
0:07:49 > 0:07:52and Singapore wants to stamp out gambling -
0:07:52 > 0:07:55but it wasn't quite as heart-rending as it could have been
0:07:55 > 0:07:59because of the scripting of the ad. This is the poster they had for it.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"I hope Germany wins, my dad bet all my savings on them."
0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:10So the ad was basically, "Well done, Andy!
0:08:10 > 0:08:14"Hey, little Andy's going to Disneyland
0:08:14 > 0:08:18"because gambling pays off."
0:08:19 > 0:08:24In other news, how has David Cameron been shaking things up this weekend?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26He's shuffled round the cabinet.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27It's like the Tour de France,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30he's got rid of lots of the big names, hasn't he?
0:08:30 > 0:08:31They've all fallen over.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34But the one person, the one person who's still in the same job
0:08:34 > 0:08:37is Eric Pickles - which, according to the thing I read,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39is because he's very difficult to move.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:50They were thinking of giving him a sideways move, apparently,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52but then they decided it was easier to leave him where he was
0:08:52 > 0:08:54and move everybody else around him.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Yes, he wanted to update his...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00The Cabinet were described as male, pale and stale,
0:09:00 > 0:09:04which does sound a bit... It should be done like that...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06"Honey, this cabinet is male, pale, and stale.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07"Fail."
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I just want to know what Nick Clegg does
0:09:10 > 0:09:12on a day when they re-shuffle the cabinet -
0:09:12 > 0:09:14if he just sits at home with his own cabinet
0:09:14 > 0:09:17going, "Oh, I'll put the rice near the spaghetti."
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Good job.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26In theory it's supposed to show that he's -
0:09:26 > 0:09:28you know, being very pro-women.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30You know, it's very positive for women
0:09:30 > 0:09:32that he's added more women to the cabinet.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34But one of the women he added was a woman called Nicky Morgan,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37who previously was the Minister for Women
0:09:37 > 0:09:40and now she's Education Secretary -
0:09:40 > 0:09:42but STILL Minister for Women.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46So that's how important the job of Minister for Women is -
0:09:46 > 0:09:50you can still do that and this other full-time job.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I just find it creepy when a load of old Tories go,
0:09:52 > 0:09:53"We need more women in the cabinet,"
0:09:53 > 0:09:56and you can just see all the women shuffling past.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"Can you get through there, you skinny thing?"
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Ken Clarke's gone as well, hasn't he? - Ken Clarke has gone.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Do you reckon he'll resign in jazz, because he's really into it?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07"I'm leaving." HE SCATS
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Does Ken Clarke do all... Does he scat everything he does?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13That's why he had to leave. Inappropriate.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"Get to the point, Ken, get to the point!
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"Stop soloing. Stop riffing on this..."
0:10:18 > 0:10:20HE SCATS
0:10:20 > 0:10:22"The Euro..." HE SCATS
0:10:22 > 0:10:24HE IMITATES DOUBLE BASS
0:10:24 > 0:10:25"Ken!"
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Apparently, the cabinet is now more Euro-sceptic,
0:10:29 > 0:10:34but imagine thinking that Europe doesn't actually exist.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I mean, I had a near Europe experience once...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44..when I was on holiday in Kent.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50I found myself walking along a tunnel towards the light.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53In the end someone said, "Bonjour."
0:10:54 > 0:10:56It's so unfair, I thought I led a good life.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:11:08 > 0:11:12You're never quite sure which week Milton is actually mocking, are you?
0:11:18 > 0:11:19At the end of that round
0:11:19 > 0:11:22the points will go to Russell, Zoe and Andy!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Now we play a round called Ich Bin Ein Berwinner.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33This game involves Zoe and Milton,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36so, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37This round is a stand-up challenge.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47The first topic is...drinking.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Who wants to come in on that? Zoe.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I like a drink.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Realised I was probably drinking a bit too much recently
0:11:56 > 0:11:58when I turned to a friend not so long ago and went,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01"Oh, that is a very nice breakfast wine."
0:12:03 > 0:12:04I like a bit of rose.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Who doesn't like a bit of rose?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Or princess-petrol, as I like to call it.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Favourite wine - obviously the box of wine.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12I enjoy a box of wine.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16People are snobby about boxes of wine in this country -
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I'm like, "No! Wine you can stack - it's brilliant."
0:12:19 > 0:12:23I love a box of wine, because glass is so revealing, isn't it?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25It's transparent, it tells a tale, doesn't it?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28You can see how much you've had of a bottle of wine...
0:12:28 > 0:12:32but you can't see through my cardboard box of wine, can you?
0:12:32 > 0:12:37You have no idea how much of this five-litre box of wine
0:12:37 > 0:12:41I have slowly but steadily been sipping my way through
0:12:41 > 0:12:45during the course of this shitty, shitty party.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Sometimes I just stick a big straw in the top
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and pretend it's a massive Ribena.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53APPLAUSE
0:12:58 > 0:13:00And it keeps giving, doesn't it?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02It keeps giving. You think, "It should be finished by now."
0:13:02 > 0:13:04You get to the end, you do all the classic things,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07you tip it on its side, you depress the little stopper -
0:13:07 > 0:13:08that's where an amateur will stop.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10They will discard the box of wine,
0:13:10 > 0:13:12but a connoisseur like myself, we know there's more.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15There's more lurking, isn't there?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17You rip open the cardboard head.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19You pull out the silvery intestines
0:13:19 > 0:13:21and you play what I like to refer to
0:13:21 > 0:13:23as the alcoholic bagpipe into your glass.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27APPLAUSE
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Thank you, Zoe. Well done.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36So, that leaves us with Milton.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Let's see what you've been left with, let's spin the wheel.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43And the topic is communication.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Away you go.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Is it just me, or are the instructions to electrical goods
0:13:50 > 0:13:52these days far too complicated?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I mean, I just don't know that many languages.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Words are powerful things.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Sometimes a single letter H
0:14:05 > 0:14:07can attract helicopters.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11It has to be a big one.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15The hours I spent watching that hot tap...
0:14:17 > 0:14:19APPLAUSE
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Similes, what are they like?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Of course, years ago, in Wales, the letter T went on strike
0:14:33 > 0:14:35and they had the great T strike of 1922,
0:14:35 > 0:14:36or, as they had to call it,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38"The great 'ee 'rike "of nine-een-wenny-oo."
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Everyone had to get to work by ram.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:49 > 0:14:51In the end the strike was broken
0:14:51 > 0:14:53and the Ts had to get together with random groups of consonants
0:14:53 > 0:14:56and that is how the Welsh language was formed.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59APPLAUSE
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Nuisance phone calls. Oh!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06They put the bills up!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I can't even count to ten in French.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Un, deux, trois, quatre,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16cinq, six, sept, arrrgh!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Sorry, I've got a "huit" allergy.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:25APPLAUSE
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Well done.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28At the end of that round,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30points for Zoe! Come on and sit back down again.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33APPLAUSE
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Our next round is called
0:15:37 > 0:15:41If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42On the board are six categories.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Russell, which category would you like?- Technology, please.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48OK, technology. The answer is...
0:15:48 > 0:15:514 years. What is the question?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Is that the amount of time it would take that Magaluf girl
0:15:53 > 0:15:56to orally pleasure every man on the planet?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58AUDIENCE GROANS
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Is it how long till Germany win the World Cup again?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02LAUGHTER
0:16:02 > 0:16:07Is it for how long have I been "writing a sitcom" now?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10How's that going?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Oh, it's going to be my ticket off this show!
0:16:13 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:17One Direction are rumoured to be splitting up.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20What is the average age of people who give a shit?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Is it the average response time of the snail ambulance?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27LAUGHTER
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Is it if Scotland become independent
0:16:29 > 0:16:33what are they planning on reducing the legal drinking age to?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36If you add it all up,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39how much of your life do you spend standing in a room going,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"What did I come in here for?"
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Is it... Dara, is it...
0:16:45 > 0:16:49how long...have I wanted to tell you that I love you.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Back off!
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Is it the actual number of years
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Mick Hucknall could hold back
0:16:59 > 0:17:01before he looked like a clown dipped in acid?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:05How long does it take the average person in Rotherham
0:17:05 > 0:17:07to eat five fruit and veg?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Potato is a veg.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13LAUGHTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Does anybody know what the correct answer is?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19When are they going to try and build a spaceport in the UK?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22It is absolutely right. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons, well done.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26APPLAUSE
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Yes, the question I was looking for was
0:17:28 > 0:17:32how long will it be before the UK gets its very own spaceport?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35This is the news that Britain is to build a commercial spaceport
0:17:35 > 0:17:39which should be operational in 2018.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41It is almost ludicrously close,
0:17:41 > 0:17:45because that means that you'll be able to actually take off
0:17:45 > 0:17:48and look down and see HS2 not being built.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- Are you excited? How exciting is this?- It's very exciting.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56And Virgin Galactic, they're going to take off at the end of this year,
0:17:56 > 0:17:57apparently, in New Mexico,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00and Richard Branson says he's going to be on the first flight.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Now, given his success with his ballooning,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05that is a very brave move, isn't it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07It's ludicrous to call it...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Virgin Galactic is what it's called, isn't it?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12You know they only go 62 miles up, don't they,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14they get to the outer edges of the atmosphere.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16And that isn't actually that exciting, is it?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20That's like saying at the beginning of Star Wars, "A long time ago
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"in a galaxy as far away as London is from Portsmouth."
0:18:23 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER
0:18:25 > 0:18:27They're talking about putting it in Scotland,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31but they were talking about putting it on an island in the Hebrides, Benbecula or something like that.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33But they're saying it's unlikely though,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36cos people won't want to go that far...to go into space.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41If you can't be arsed dragging yourself to the Hebrides,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43perhaps space isn't for you.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I wouldn't want to go on a Sunday, because that, let's face it,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50that is a bloody long bus replacement service.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Isn't British Space Control, like air-traffic control,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58isn't it going to be in Swindon? Isn't that where it is?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I have no idea where British Space Control is, no.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02"Swindon, we have a problem."
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"All right, my lover."
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Surely it will be, "Swindon, we have a problem."
0:19:08 > 0:19:10"Well, we're in Swindon!"
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I don't know how it works.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Do you literally just go up and down? Do you go round a bit?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- You go up and down. That's all you do.- Literally up and down.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- You're already spinning. - Not even across a bit. - You really are so down on this!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I'm genuinely surprised by the lack of wonder.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25"Oh, it's only shit."
0:19:25 > 0:19:27If there was somebody up there
0:19:27 > 0:19:30pretending to be an alien attacking the craft, or something like that,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32that would make it more worth it.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- So they should position somebody up there?- A hot-air balloon.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39A high-level hot-air balloon that throws...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Just sprays it with silly string even, to look like alien tentacles.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46You see the curvature of the Earth and the stars above,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49but you don't think that's sufficiently exciting!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Pretend aliens...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Somebody goes, "Oh, no, now we're under attack.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57"Wah-wah-wah."
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Call me a dreamer.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You're the lamest bunch of people in the world.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Bunch of weirdos(!)
0:20:06 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:10APPLAUSE
0:20:10 > 0:20:15OK, what NHS operations might more people be eligible for?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20You're going to be able to get gastric bypasses on the NHS.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24More fat people will be eligible for them, apparently.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27You're wondering whether they really need a gastric bypass
0:20:27 > 0:20:30or whether they need a Greggs bypass
0:20:30 > 0:20:33just to avoid the shop in the first place.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35By the way, we don't say fat people.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38The term is "jolly" or..."cuddly"...
0:20:38 > 0:20:42or, for those who are extremely obese, "morbidly jolly".
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Apparently there's so many fat people now,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48that people don't feel that they're fat
0:20:48 > 0:20:51because they're surrounded by lots of other fat people.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53So the secret is, if you do want to lose some weight,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56it's not actually to lose any weight if you're feeling fat -
0:20:56 > 0:20:58just hang around other fat people,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01you'll feel much better about yourself.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I feel the same way.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Sometimes when I feel I'm too funny I come on this show.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:12APPLAUSE
0:21:12 > 0:21:15That sounds like I was slagging you off.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18It did sound that way, and they rather enjoyed it.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22The one I hate is when people say,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"All I've got to do is look at a cake and I put on weight."
0:21:24 > 0:21:26That's the worst line. I actually tested it.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I kidnapped someone, I locked them in the room
0:21:28 > 0:21:30and I just showed cake at the window.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Two weeks later, dead and thin - what a liar.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38People talk about the obesity time-bomb, don't they?
0:21:38 > 0:21:39The obesity time-bomb.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41You just think,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43God, I really hope I'm not in the area when that goes off.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48These days people eat too much and they don't go out.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52The obese agoraphobic is very much the elephant in the room.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:58APPLAUSE
0:22:00 > 0:22:02They've produced a league table of the obese nations.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04The obesity league table.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06America was on top of the table, I think we were third.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08An obesity league table -
0:22:08 > 0:22:11surely that was crying out for a pie chart.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15APPLAUSE
0:22:19 > 0:22:22A very amusing joke, but mathematically incorrect. OK.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26At the end of that round the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please,
0:22:35 > 0:22:36I'll read out this week's topics
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40OK. Here we go.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42The first subject is...
0:22:48 > 0:22:51We, the jury, have yet to reach a final verdict,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53but we would like to have a guess.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Is it Mrs Peacock with the candlestick in the library?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:05The defendant is, as you can see, an evil man with a black heart.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08But nice, firm buttocks.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:13APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:18The Guildford Four and the Birmingham Six
0:23:18 > 0:23:20were miscarriages of justice.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23But S Club 7 must remain in prison.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32If I'm guilty of anything, it's caring too much.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34And embezzlement.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Embezzlement and caring too much.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37That's all I'm guilty of.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43It appears that we have a hung jury.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Thank you, gentlemen,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48you can put your trousers back on now.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53OK, Mr Pistorius, there will now be a toilet break.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Don't anybody else go in there.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01APPLAUSE
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Before I pass down this sentence of death, how about a selfie?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Oh, my God, your death face is so random.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15You are accused of stealing top-of-the-range toilet rolls.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17How do you plead?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Quilty or not quilty?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:25 > 0:24:28No, Mr Coulson, we're not going to tell you your sentence,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32instead we've left a message for you on Hugh Grant's voice mail.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35APPLAUSE
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I am now going to pronounce sentence.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Sen-tence.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Mr Clapton, I put it to you
0:24:50 > 0:24:52that it is highly unlikely
0:24:52 > 0:24:55that you did not shoot the deputy,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57given that you've already admitted
0:24:57 > 0:24:59that you did shoot the sheriff.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02LAUGHTER
0:25:06 > 0:25:07OK...
0:25:07 > 0:25:09# Rock-a-bye, baby,
0:25:09 > 0:25:10# On the tree top... #
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Oh, "alibi"...
0:25:11 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Well, it's been a long and complex trial,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23so, before sentencing, let's have a look at some of your best bits!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Mr Pistorius, the court rejects your defence
0:25:29 > 0:25:31that at the time of the crime
0:25:31 > 0:25:32you were legless.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34LAUGHTER
0:25:37 > 0:25:39And now, Mr Harris,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41it is time for your sentence.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Can you tell what it is yet?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52You are accused of unnecessarily advertising a make of smoothie.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54How do you plead? Be careful.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:00OK, the next topic is...
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Watch out for Crocs,
0:26:06 > 0:26:10because anybody wearing Crocs is a bell-end.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13APPLAUSE
0:26:16 > 0:26:19What's incredible about the emperor penguin
0:26:19 > 0:26:22is its ability to make you look like a shit father.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29This is the most fantastic migration I've ever seen.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33These Romanians are moving in next door to Nigel Farage.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:38If you're in the jungle for a few months,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41use a leaf and some river moss from a bank.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43It really does feel like a lady.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Well, it took some pliers and an awful lot of gaffer tape
0:26:50 > 0:26:54but I finally got this flamingo's legs on the right way round.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01I have spent my whole life living with hyenas.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04It hasn't been easy
0:27:04 > 0:27:07but there've been a lot of laughs as well.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:13DARA HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:24The barbs that come off these tiny creatures can be very painful.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27This one just called me a talentless wanker.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:35The pack of meerkats surrounded the helpless lizard
0:27:35 > 0:27:36and, within seconds,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40he'd been forced to change his car-insurance supplier.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47The comics, or jesterlings,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49all jostle for position,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52eager to present their humour to the large alpha male.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Urgggh!
0:27:53 > 0:27:56BUZZER
0:27:56 > 0:27:58LAUGHTER
0:28:01 > 0:28:03A badger, in its natural environment -
0:28:03 > 0:28:05on the hard shoulder being pecked at by crows.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13This lioness has just had four cubs,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15but it's not as sweet as it looks.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18She's also had three Brownies, two Guides and a Venture Scout.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23And this little fella,
0:28:23 > 0:28:24this little bird,
0:28:24 > 0:28:28his head can literally turn three hundred and....
0:28:28 > 0:28:30LAUGHTER
0:28:30 > 0:28:32That's owls, isn't it?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39And now the male attempts you-know-what
0:28:39 > 0:28:42by putting his thingamajig
0:28:42 > 0:28:45in the female's what-d'you-ma-call-it.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50APPLAUSE
0:28:51 > 0:28:55And here I am in the shrubbery outside the BBC Centre.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58And I think I've spotted... I have, I've spotted one -
0:28:58 > 0:28:59this is extremely rare.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01It is... It's a female panellist.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03LAUGHTER
0:29:03 > 0:29:05APPLAUSE
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Just one bite from this snake
0:29:09 > 0:29:13can paralyse the nervous system in three seconds.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18LAUGHTER
0:29:23 > 0:29:26You'll have to excuse the trembling excitement in my voice,
0:29:26 > 0:29:29as I am currently being noshed off by Bill Oddie.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32LAUGHTER
0:29:34 > 0:29:37OK, at the end of that round the points go to Russell, Zoe and Andy!
0:29:39 > 0:29:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:45 > 0:29:46And that's the end of the show.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones!
0:29:49 > 0:29:51CHEERING
0:29:53 > 0:29:58Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Russell Kane.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00CHEERING
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.
0:30:06 > 0:30:10# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:12 > 0:30:15# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:17 > 0:30:20# Read all about it
0:30:20 > 0:30:23# Read all about it
0:30:23 > 0:30:26# News of the world News of the world. #