Episode 6

Episode 6

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0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Read about the things that happen

0:00:05 > 0:00:08# throughout the world

0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Don't believe in everything

0:00:11 > 0:00:13# you see or hear

0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Read all about it

0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Read all about it

0:00:19 > 0:00:22# News of the world

0:00:22 > 0:00:23# News of the world

0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Read all about it

0:00:25 > 0:00:27# Read all about it

0:00:27 > 0:00:29# News of the world

0:00:29 > 0:00:31# News of the world. #

0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.

0:00:37 > 0:00:41I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons

0:00:41 > 0:00:44and Russell Kane, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE

0:00:51 > 0:00:54We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

0:00:54 > 0:00:55I show the panel a topical image

0:00:55 > 0:00:57and ask them to tell me what's happening.

0:00:57 > 0:01:00So, what is going on here?

0:01:01 > 0:01:03The worst stag do ever.

0:01:04 > 0:01:07Is it the picture that Angela Merkel's going to send

0:01:07 > 0:01:09David Cameron for his Christmas card?

0:01:10 > 0:01:13This is just a mark of how confident the German team were,

0:01:13 > 0:01:16because that is actually before the game.

0:01:19 > 0:01:22Angela Merkel is actually in the starting 11.

0:01:23 > 0:01:26It's nice to see a picture, though, of German men

0:01:26 > 0:01:29with one arm in the air that doesn't feel threatening, isn't it?

0:01:30 > 0:01:33There was a lot of that, when you watched the celebrations,

0:01:33 > 0:01:34people like, "Wahey!" And you were like,

0:01:34 > 0:01:37"Just throw the other one up. Just throw the other one up."

0:01:37 > 0:01:40Do you reckon Wayne Rooney looked at that picture and thought,

0:01:40 > 0:01:42"Why couldn't we have had a prostitute that age?

0:01:42 > 0:01:44"Right up my street."

0:01:44 > 0:01:46People are accusing the Germans of arrogance,

0:01:46 > 0:01:47but this photo, was, in fact,

0:01:47 > 0:01:50actually taken at the end of Neymar's hospital bed.

0:01:53 > 0:01:55I need somebody to tell me what it is.

0:01:55 > 0:01:57And we all know what it is, but I need...

0:01:57 > 0:01:58You actually need someone to tell you?!

0:01:58 > 0:02:02Yes, cos I haven't seen any of these things. Who are these men?

0:02:02 > 0:02:04What is the event they're attending?

0:02:04 > 0:02:07Please, I have recently arrived in this country from foreign shores

0:02:07 > 0:02:09and I'm unfamiliar with your traditions.

0:02:09 > 0:02:12It's the German team in the dressing room having won the World Cup

0:02:12 > 0:02:14with Chancellor Merkel.

0:02:14 > 0:02:17- No, no.- Absolutely, of course. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

0:02:17 > 0:02:20- How did you...?!- I don't know. APPLAUSE

0:02:20 > 0:02:24Yes, of course, this is a picture of the victorious German football team

0:02:24 > 0:02:26celebrating their World Cup win in the dressing room

0:02:26 > 0:02:28with Chancellor Angela Merkel.

0:02:28 > 0:02:30Germany defeated Argentina in the final

0:02:30 > 0:02:32by a single goal from Mario Gotze in extra time,

0:02:32 > 0:02:33becoming the first European team

0:02:33 > 0:02:35ever to win a World Cup in South America.

0:02:35 > 0:02:38Were you shouting for anyone, or not for anyone or...?

0:02:38 > 0:02:40Most English people were shouting for Germany,

0:02:40 > 0:02:44which is a first, really, isn't it? Let's face it.

0:02:44 > 0:02:47But I guess compared to Argentina, you know,

0:02:47 > 0:02:49people find Germany preferable on the whole

0:02:49 > 0:02:51because at least they don't keep asking us

0:02:51 > 0:02:53to give them France back, do they? So...

0:02:55 > 0:02:58Personally I was at a Six Senses spa having a paraffin wrap,

0:02:58 > 0:03:00so I didn't catch it.

0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Zoe, were you watching it? - I did watch it.

0:03:02 > 0:03:06It was difficult as an England fan to watch Germany versus Argentina.

0:03:06 > 0:03:10It's like - typhoid or cholera, which would you prefer?

0:03:10 > 0:03:12Is it still a thing, though?

0:03:12 > 0:03:13I think it is still a thing,

0:03:13 > 0:03:15because I was kind of backing Germany

0:03:15 > 0:03:18cos we hate them less now, yeah.

0:03:18 > 0:03:19I thought... I didn't mind who won.

0:03:19 > 0:03:22I just, like... It was a good game - but I found it very difficult

0:03:22 > 0:03:24just watching as an England fan

0:03:24 > 0:03:26because it's all gone so wrong for England,

0:03:26 > 0:03:29and I bet if you're watching in four years' time on Dave -

0:03:29 > 0:03:31we're still shit, aren't we?

0:03:31 > 0:03:33APPLAUSE

0:03:36 > 0:03:38I could never support the Argentinians,

0:03:38 > 0:03:41not after what Maradona did at Wembley in 2003.

0:03:41 > 0:03:43He didn't sing Material Girl.

0:03:50 > 0:03:52The one I love, the guy I loved being there is Putin,

0:03:52 > 0:03:54- because he was there, cos they're hosting the next one.- Yes.

0:03:54 > 0:03:57And every country that hosts it is desperate to win,

0:03:57 > 0:03:59and he must have been looking at that final thinking,

0:03:59 > 0:04:02"The only way that Russia are going to win

0:04:02 > 0:04:04"is if we invade Germany."

0:04:06 > 0:04:10Putin sitting next to Blatter was the finest photograph

0:04:10 > 0:04:12in the history of democracy.

0:04:12 > 0:04:14"How do you win your elections?"

0:04:14 > 0:04:17"Oh, I never run against anyone."

0:04:17 > 0:04:18"Me neither, ha! High-five."

0:04:18 > 0:04:20"High-five."

0:04:20 > 0:04:22The death of Brazilian football,

0:04:22 > 0:04:24- that's what they'd witnessed. - Ah, yeah, that was...

0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Not funny, but interesting. - Well, you say that...

0:04:27 > 0:04:30It was kind of funny.

0:04:30 > 0:04:33A few weeks ago, I was talking about the heads,

0:04:33 > 0:04:36the way they're over-emphasising the pretty women in the crowd

0:04:36 > 0:04:37type shots all the time,

0:04:37 > 0:04:43and I, on the show, called for more shots of children crying. And...

0:04:43 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER

0:04:44 > 0:04:47And then when they posted that one of a small boy

0:04:47 > 0:04:50just blubbing his eyes... He's pushing his glasses out of his face,

0:04:50 > 0:04:54and he's got a Coca Cola can, which is beautiful branding,

0:04:54 > 0:04:57absolutely spectacular branding.

0:04:57 > 0:05:02And he's weeping into it - and I got sent that image

0:05:02 > 0:05:04four or five thousand times on Twitter

0:05:04 > 0:05:08in the minute after it was posted with the words, "Happy now?"

0:05:10 > 0:05:12Yes, yes, I was. I was thrilled.

0:05:12 > 0:05:15You think Brazil got humiliated,

0:05:15 > 0:05:18but did you see Joe Hart in that shampoo ad?

0:05:19 > 0:05:20No, obviously not.

0:05:23 > 0:05:26There were headlines about Brazil, going,

0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Brazil - Finally We Know Shame."

0:05:28 > 0:05:31You're going, "You are aware of what the rest of the world refers to

0:05:31 > 0:05:34"when they say 'A Brazilian'."

0:05:34 > 0:05:37Your name is not always merely associated with beautiful football

0:05:37 > 0:05:40but also pubic topiary.

0:05:40 > 0:05:43That's probably the problem, their formation's just too narrow.

0:05:43 > 0:05:45They have to play one, one, one, one, one, one, one.

0:05:45 > 0:05:47And the goalie was the arsehole.

0:05:49 > 0:05:51You know, in the semifinal, when Neymar was injured,

0:05:51 > 0:05:54they made him sit on the bench in full kit..

0:05:54 > 0:05:55- Did you see that?- Yeah.

0:05:55 > 0:05:58As a sort of talisman. And you think that is just ridiculous,

0:05:58 > 0:06:00he's not allowed to play - who would we do that with?

0:06:00 > 0:06:03We'd have to do it with Bobby Charlton?

0:06:03 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER

0:06:04 > 0:06:05We should do that -

0:06:05 > 0:06:08we should just have Frankie Boyle just sitting there.

0:06:09 > 0:06:11Not saying anything...

0:06:11 > 0:06:17Just angrily staring across at any use of whimsy.

0:06:17 > 0:06:20As a non sports fan, as a non sports fan, are you relieved it's over?

0:06:20 > 0:06:21The main thing that's fascinating for me

0:06:21 > 0:06:24about British culture is the fact that viewing figures went up

0:06:24 > 0:06:26when it started to go horribly wrong for Brazil.

0:06:26 > 0:06:28That says everything about us as a culture.

0:06:28 > 0:06:31Particularly our men, like people like my dad, whose humour...

0:06:31 > 0:06:32The last time my dad laughed

0:06:32 > 0:06:35was when he saw a Jaguar written off on the M11.

0:06:35 > 0:06:38COCKNEY ACCENT: "Look at the state of that. Ha, ha, ha!"

0:06:39 > 0:06:41People in Britain say, "No, I can't stand football."

0:06:41 > 0:06:43"Brazil are losing, people are sobbing."

0:06:43 > 0:06:45"Switch it on. Classic."

0:06:45 > 0:06:47I wasn't impressed with Mr Messi, though.

0:06:47 > 0:06:49It wasn't like the book at all.

0:06:49 > 0:06:51LAUGHTER

0:06:53 > 0:06:55APPLAUSE

0:06:57 > 0:07:01Of course, Luis Suarez has gone to Barcelona - 75 million.

0:07:01 > 0:07:04He apparently had a celebration meal with his mum in Uruguay.

0:07:04 > 0:07:06Well, I say he had a celebration meal -

0:07:06 > 0:07:10apparently he lost his balance and the meal hit him in the teeth.

0:07:11 > 0:07:15And on the BBC it also coincided with Alan Hansen's last game, didn't it?

0:07:15 > 0:07:17And nobody asked him the question,

0:07:17 > 0:07:20I've always wanted to ask him about that scar...

0:07:20 > 0:07:22WHEN he was attacked by Lord Voldemort.

0:07:24 > 0:07:27I wonder if any old German war criminals gave themselves away,

0:07:27 > 0:07:29watching that match.

0:07:29 > 0:07:31Because there's a few of them in Argentina, isn't there?

0:07:31 > 0:07:33That were watching it in their local pub,

0:07:33 > 0:07:35and they just went, "YES! Oh, no, sorry."

0:07:36 > 0:07:39One campaign, by the way, that also slightly kind of backfired

0:07:39 > 0:07:41is Singapore ran an anti-gambling campaign

0:07:41 > 0:07:43about a young kid called Andy,

0:07:43 > 0:07:48and it was about how Andy's dad had wasted their family's money

0:07:48 > 0:07:49because he was a gambler

0:07:49 > 0:07:52and Singapore wants to stamp out gambling -

0:07:52 > 0:07:55but it wasn't quite as heart-rending as it could have been

0:07:55 > 0:07:59because of the scripting of the ad. This is the poster they had for it.

0:07:59 > 0:08:02"I hope Germany wins, my dad bet all my savings on them."

0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER

0:08:05 > 0:08:10So the ad was basically, "Well done, Andy!

0:08:10 > 0:08:14"Hey, little Andy's going to Disneyland

0:08:14 > 0:08:18"because gambling pays off."

0:08:19 > 0:08:24In other news, how has David Cameron been shaking things up this weekend?

0:08:24 > 0:08:26He's shuffled round the cabinet.

0:08:26 > 0:08:27It's like the Tour de France,

0:08:27 > 0:08:30he's got rid of lots of the big names, hasn't he?

0:08:30 > 0:08:31They've all fallen over.

0:08:31 > 0:08:34But the one person, the one person who's still in the same job

0:08:34 > 0:08:37is Eric Pickles - which, according to the thing I read,

0:08:37 > 0:08:39is because he's very difficult to move.

0:08:41 > 0:08:43APPLAUSE

0:08:47 > 0:08:50They were thinking of giving him a sideways move, apparently,

0:08:50 > 0:08:52but then they decided it was easier to leave him where he was

0:08:52 > 0:08:54and move everybody else around him.

0:08:56 > 0:08:57Yes, he wanted to update his...

0:08:57 > 0:09:00The Cabinet were described as male, pale and stale,

0:09:00 > 0:09:04which does sound a bit... It should be done like that...

0:09:04 > 0:09:06"Honey, this cabinet is male, pale, and stale.

0:09:06 > 0:09:07"Fail."

0:09:08 > 0:09:10I just want to know what Nick Clegg does

0:09:10 > 0:09:12on a day when they re-shuffle the cabinet -

0:09:12 > 0:09:14if he just sits at home with his own cabinet

0:09:14 > 0:09:17going, "Oh, I'll put the rice near the spaghetti."

0:09:19 > 0:09:20Good job.

0:09:24 > 0:09:26In theory it's supposed to show that he's -

0:09:26 > 0:09:28you know, being very pro-women.

0:09:28 > 0:09:30You know, it's very positive for women

0:09:30 > 0:09:32that he's added more women to the cabinet.

0:09:32 > 0:09:34But one of the women he added was a woman called Nicky Morgan,

0:09:34 > 0:09:37who previously was the Minister for Women

0:09:37 > 0:09:40and now she's Education Secretary -

0:09:40 > 0:09:42but STILL Minister for Women.

0:09:42 > 0:09:46So that's how important the job of Minister for Women is -

0:09:46 > 0:09:50you can still do that and this other full-time job.

0:09:50 > 0:09:52I just find it creepy when a load of old Tories go,

0:09:52 > 0:09:53"We need more women in the cabinet,"

0:09:53 > 0:09:56and you can just see all the women shuffling past.

0:09:56 > 0:09:58"Can you get through there, you skinny thing?"

0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Ken Clarke's gone as well, hasn't he? - Ken Clarke has gone.

0:10:02 > 0:10:05Do you reckon he'll resign in jazz, because he's really into it?

0:10:05 > 0:10:07"I'm leaving." HE SCATS

0:10:07 > 0:10:11Does Ken Clarke do all... Does he scat everything he does?

0:10:11 > 0:10:13That's why he had to leave. Inappropriate.

0:10:13 > 0:10:16"Get to the point, Ken, get to the point!

0:10:16 > 0:10:18"Stop soloing. Stop riffing on this..."

0:10:18 > 0:10:20HE SCATS

0:10:20 > 0:10:22"The Euro..." HE SCATS

0:10:22 > 0:10:24HE IMITATES DOUBLE BASS

0:10:24 > 0:10:25"Ken!"

0:10:25 > 0:10:29Apparently, the cabinet is now more Euro-sceptic,

0:10:29 > 0:10:34but imagine thinking that Europe doesn't actually exist.

0:10:34 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER

0:10:38 > 0:10:41I mean, I had a near Europe experience once...

0:10:42 > 0:10:44..when I was on holiday in Kent.

0:10:46 > 0:10:50I found myself walking along a tunnel towards the light.

0:10:50 > 0:10:53In the end someone said, "Bonjour."

0:10:54 > 0:10:56It's so unfair, I thought I led a good life.

0:10:58 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER

0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER CONTINUES

0:11:08 > 0:11:12You're never quite sure which week Milton is actually mocking, are you?

0:11:18 > 0:11:19At the end of that round

0:11:19 > 0:11:22the points will go to Russell, Zoe and Andy!

0:11:26 > 0:11:29Now we play a round called Ich Bin Ein Berwinner.

0:11:32 > 0:11:33This game involves Zoe and Milton,

0:11:33 > 0:11:36so, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

0:11:36 > 0:11:37This round is a stand-up challenge.

0:11:37 > 0:11:40I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,

0:11:40 > 0:11:43one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

0:11:43 > 0:11:45OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

0:11:45 > 0:11:47The first topic is...drinking.

0:11:47 > 0:11:49Who wants to come in on that? Zoe.

0:11:51 > 0:11:53I like a drink.

0:11:53 > 0:11:56Realised I was probably drinking a bit too much recently

0:11:56 > 0:11:58when I turned to a friend not so long ago and went,

0:11:58 > 0:12:01"Oh, that is a very nice breakfast wine."

0:12:03 > 0:12:04I like a bit of rose.

0:12:04 > 0:12:06Who doesn't like a bit of rose?

0:12:06 > 0:12:08Or princess-petrol, as I like to call it.

0:12:09 > 0:12:11Favourite wine - obviously the box of wine.

0:12:11 > 0:12:12I enjoy a box of wine.

0:12:12 > 0:12:16People are snobby about boxes of wine in this country -

0:12:16 > 0:12:19I'm like, "No! Wine you can stack - it's brilliant."

0:12:19 > 0:12:23I love a box of wine, because glass is so revealing, isn't it?

0:12:23 > 0:12:25It's transparent, it tells a tale, doesn't it?

0:12:25 > 0:12:28You can see how much you've had of a bottle of wine...

0:12:28 > 0:12:32but you can't see through my cardboard box of wine, can you?

0:12:32 > 0:12:37You have no idea how much of this five-litre box of wine

0:12:37 > 0:12:41I have slowly but steadily been sipping my way through

0:12:41 > 0:12:45during the course of this shitty, shitty party.

0:12:46 > 0:12:48Sometimes I just stick a big straw in the top

0:12:48 > 0:12:50and pretend it's a massive Ribena.

0:12:52 > 0:12:53APPLAUSE

0:12:58 > 0:13:00And it keeps giving, doesn't it?

0:13:00 > 0:13:02It keeps giving. You think, "It should be finished by now."

0:13:02 > 0:13:04You get to the end, you do all the classic things,

0:13:04 > 0:13:07you tip it on its side, you depress the little stopper -

0:13:07 > 0:13:08that's where an amateur will stop.

0:13:08 > 0:13:10They will discard the box of wine,

0:13:10 > 0:13:12but a connoisseur like myself, we know there's more.

0:13:13 > 0:13:15There's more lurking, isn't there?

0:13:15 > 0:13:17You rip open the cardboard head.

0:13:17 > 0:13:19You pull out the silvery intestines

0:13:19 > 0:13:21and you play what I like to refer to

0:13:21 > 0:13:23as the alcoholic bagpipe into your glass.

0:13:26 > 0:13:27APPLAUSE

0:13:27 > 0:13:29Thank you, Zoe. Well done.

0:13:34 > 0:13:36So, that leaves us with Milton.

0:13:36 > 0:13:38Let's see what you've been left with, let's spin the wheel.

0:13:40 > 0:13:43And the topic is communication.

0:13:43 > 0:13:44Away you go.

0:13:47 > 0:13:50Is it just me, or are the instructions to electrical goods

0:13:50 > 0:13:52these days far too complicated?

0:13:52 > 0:13:55I mean, I just don't know that many languages.

0:13:55 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER

0:14:02 > 0:14:03Words are powerful things.

0:14:03 > 0:14:05Sometimes a single letter H

0:14:05 > 0:14:07can attract helicopters.

0:14:10 > 0:14:11It has to be a big one.

0:14:12 > 0:14:15The hours I spent watching that hot tap...

0:14:17 > 0:14:19APPLAUSE

0:14:24 > 0:14:26Similes, what are they like?

0:14:30 > 0:14:33Of course, years ago, in Wales, the letter T went on strike

0:14:33 > 0:14:35and they had the great T strike of 1922,

0:14:35 > 0:14:36or, as they had to call it,

0:14:36 > 0:14:38"The great 'ee 'rike "of nine-een-wenny-oo."

0:14:41 > 0:14:44Everyone had to get to work by ram.

0:14:44 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER

0:14:49 > 0:14:51In the end the strike was broken

0:14:51 > 0:14:53and the Ts had to get together with random groups of consonants

0:14:53 > 0:14:56and that is how the Welsh language was formed.

0:14:57 > 0:14:59APPLAUSE

0:15:02 > 0:15:04Nuisance phone calls. Oh!

0:15:04 > 0:15:06They put the bills up!

0:15:06 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER

0:15:11 > 0:15:13I can't even count to ten in French.

0:15:13 > 0:15:14Un, deux, trois, quatre,

0:15:14 > 0:15:16cinq, six, sept, arrrgh!

0:15:19 > 0:15:21Sorry, I've got a "huit" allergy.

0:15:21 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER

0:15:23 > 0:15:25APPLAUSE

0:15:25 > 0:15:26Well done.

0:15:26 > 0:15:28At the end of that round,

0:15:28 > 0:15:30points for Zoe! Come on and sit back down again.

0:15:30 > 0:15:33APPLAUSE

0:15:35 > 0:15:37Our next round is called

0:15:37 > 0:15:41If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?

0:15:41 > 0:15:42On the board are six categories.

0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Russell, which category would you like?- Technology, please.

0:15:45 > 0:15:48OK, technology. The answer is...

0:15:48 > 0:15:514 years. What is the question?

0:15:51 > 0:15:53Is that the amount of time it would take that Magaluf girl

0:15:53 > 0:15:56to orally pleasure every man on the planet?

0:15:56 > 0:15:58AUDIENCE GROANS

0:15:58 > 0:16:01Is it how long till Germany win the World Cup again?

0:16:01 > 0:16:02LAUGHTER

0:16:02 > 0:16:07Is it for how long have I been "writing a sitcom" now?

0:16:08 > 0:16:10How's that going?

0:16:10 > 0:16:13Oh, it's going to be my ticket off this show!

0:16:13 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER

0:16:14 > 0:16:17One Direction are rumoured to be splitting up.

0:16:17 > 0:16:20What is the average age of people who give a shit?

0:16:21 > 0:16:25Is it the average response time of the snail ambulance?

0:16:25 > 0:16:27LAUGHTER

0:16:27 > 0:16:29Is it if Scotland become independent

0:16:29 > 0:16:33what are they planning on reducing the legal drinking age to?

0:16:35 > 0:16:36If you add it all up,

0:16:36 > 0:16:39how much of your life do you spend standing in a room going,

0:16:39 > 0:16:41"What did I come in here for?"

0:16:43 > 0:16:45Is it... Dara, is it...

0:16:45 > 0:16:49how long...have I wanted to tell you that I love you.

0:16:51 > 0:16:52Back off!

0:16:55 > 0:16:56Is it the actual number of years

0:16:56 > 0:16:59Mick Hucknall could hold back

0:16:59 > 0:17:01before he looked like a clown dipped in acid?

0:17:01 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER

0:17:03 > 0:17:05How long does it take the average person in Rotherham

0:17:05 > 0:17:07to eat five fruit and veg?

0:17:09 > 0:17:11Potato is a veg.

0:17:11 > 0:17:13LAUGHTER

0:17:13 > 0:17:16Does anybody know what the correct answer is?

0:17:16 > 0:17:19When are they going to try and build a spaceport in the UK?

0:17:19 > 0:17:22It is absolutely right. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons, well done.

0:17:22 > 0:17:26APPLAUSE

0:17:26 > 0:17:28Yes, the question I was looking for was

0:17:28 > 0:17:32how long will it be before the UK gets its very own spaceport?

0:17:32 > 0:17:35This is the news that Britain is to build a commercial spaceport

0:17:35 > 0:17:39which should be operational in 2018.

0:17:39 > 0:17:41It is almost ludicrously close,

0:17:41 > 0:17:45because that means that you'll be able to actually take off

0:17:45 > 0:17:48and look down and see HS2 not being built.

0:17:49 > 0:17:51- Are you excited? How exciting is this?- It's very exciting.

0:17:51 > 0:17:56And Virgin Galactic, they're going to take off at the end of this year,

0:17:56 > 0:17:57apparently, in New Mexico,

0:17:57 > 0:18:00and Richard Branson says he's going to be on the first flight.

0:18:00 > 0:18:03Now, given his success with his ballooning,

0:18:03 > 0:18:05that is a very brave move, isn't it?

0:18:06 > 0:18:07It's ludicrous to call it...

0:18:07 > 0:18:09Virgin Galactic is what it's called, isn't it?

0:18:09 > 0:18:12You know they only go 62 miles up, don't they,

0:18:12 > 0:18:14they get to the outer edges of the atmosphere.

0:18:14 > 0:18:16And that isn't actually that exciting, is it?

0:18:16 > 0:18:20That's like saying at the beginning of Star Wars, "A long time ago

0:18:20 > 0:18:23"in a galaxy as far away as London is from Portsmouth."

0:18:23 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER

0:18:25 > 0:18:27They're talking about putting it in Scotland,

0:18:27 > 0:18:31but they were talking about putting it on an island in the Hebrides, Benbecula or something like that.

0:18:31 > 0:18:33But they're saying it's unlikely though,

0:18:33 > 0:18:36cos people won't want to go that far...to go into space.

0:18:38 > 0:18:41If you can't be arsed dragging yourself to the Hebrides,

0:18:41 > 0:18:43perhaps space isn't for you.

0:18:44 > 0:18:47I wouldn't want to go on a Sunday, because that, let's face it,

0:18:47 > 0:18:50that is a bloody long bus replacement service.

0:18:51 > 0:18:55Isn't British Space Control, like air-traffic control,

0:18:55 > 0:18:58isn't it going to be in Swindon? Isn't that where it is?

0:18:58 > 0:19:00I have no idea where British Space Control is, no.

0:19:00 > 0:19:02"Swindon, we have a problem."

0:19:02 > 0:19:04"All right, my lover."

0:19:05 > 0:19:08Surely it will be, "Swindon, we have a problem."

0:19:08 > 0:19:10"Well, we're in Swindon!"

0:19:11 > 0:19:13I don't know how it works.

0:19:13 > 0:19:16Do you literally just go up and down? Do you go round a bit?

0:19:16 > 0:19:18- You go up and down. That's all you do.- Literally up and down.

0:19:18 > 0:19:22- You're already spinning. - Not even across a bit. - You really are so down on this!

0:19:22 > 0:19:24I'm genuinely surprised by the lack of wonder.

0:19:24 > 0:19:25"Oh, it's only shit."

0:19:25 > 0:19:27If there was somebody up there

0:19:27 > 0:19:30pretending to be an alien attacking the craft, or something like that,

0:19:30 > 0:19:32that would make it more worth it.

0:19:32 > 0:19:36- So they should position somebody up there?- A hot-air balloon.

0:19:36 > 0:19:39A high-level hot-air balloon that throws...

0:19:39 > 0:19:42Just sprays it with silly string even, to look like alien tentacles.

0:19:42 > 0:19:46You see the curvature of the Earth and the stars above,

0:19:46 > 0:19:49but you don't think that's sufficiently exciting!

0:19:49 > 0:19:51Pretend aliens...

0:19:51 > 0:19:54Somebody goes, "Oh, no, now we're under attack.

0:19:54 > 0:19:57"Wah-wah-wah."

0:19:57 > 0:20:00Call me a dreamer.

0:20:00 > 0:20:03You're the lamest bunch of people in the world.

0:20:03 > 0:20:04Bunch of weirdos(!)

0:20:06 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER

0:20:08 > 0:20:10APPLAUSE

0:20:10 > 0:20:15OK, what NHS operations might more people be eligible for?

0:20:15 > 0:20:20You're going to be able to get gastric bypasses on the NHS.

0:20:20 > 0:20:24More fat people will be eligible for them, apparently.

0:20:24 > 0:20:27You're wondering whether they really need a gastric bypass

0:20:27 > 0:20:30or whether they need a Greggs bypass

0:20:30 > 0:20:33just to avoid the shop in the first place.

0:20:33 > 0:20:35By the way, we don't say fat people.

0:20:35 > 0:20:38The term is "jolly" or..."cuddly"...

0:20:38 > 0:20:42or, for those who are extremely obese, "morbidly jolly".

0:20:44 > 0:20:46Apparently there's so many fat people now,

0:20:46 > 0:20:48that people don't feel that they're fat

0:20:48 > 0:20:51because they're surrounded by lots of other fat people.

0:20:51 > 0:20:53So the secret is, if you do want to lose some weight,

0:20:53 > 0:20:56it's not actually to lose any weight if you're feeling fat -

0:20:56 > 0:20:58just hang around other fat people,

0:20:58 > 0:21:01you'll feel much better about yourself.

0:21:01 > 0:21:03I feel the same way.

0:21:03 > 0:21:06Sometimes when I feel I'm too funny I come on this show.

0:21:06 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER

0:21:09 > 0:21:12APPLAUSE

0:21:12 > 0:21:15That sounds like I was slagging you off.

0:21:15 > 0:21:18It did sound that way, and they rather enjoyed it.

0:21:19 > 0:21:22The one I hate is when people say,

0:21:22 > 0:21:24"All I've got to do is look at a cake and I put on weight."

0:21:24 > 0:21:26That's the worst line. I actually tested it.

0:21:26 > 0:21:28I kidnapped someone, I locked them in the room

0:21:28 > 0:21:30and I just showed cake at the window.

0:21:30 > 0:21:32Two weeks later, dead and thin - what a liar.

0:21:34 > 0:21:38People talk about the obesity time-bomb, don't they?

0:21:38 > 0:21:39The obesity time-bomb.

0:21:39 > 0:21:41You just think,

0:21:41 > 0:21:43God, I really hope I'm not in the area when that goes off.

0:21:45 > 0:21:48These days people eat too much and they don't go out.

0:21:48 > 0:21:52The obese agoraphobic is very much the elephant in the room.

0:21:52 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER

0:21:55 > 0:21:58APPLAUSE

0:22:00 > 0:22:02They've produced a league table of the obese nations.

0:22:02 > 0:22:04The obesity league table.

0:22:04 > 0:22:06America was on top of the table, I think we were third.

0:22:06 > 0:22:08An obesity league table -

0:22:08 > 0:22:11surely that was crying out for a pie chart.

0:22:11 > 0:22:15APPLAUSE

0:22:19 > 0:22:22A very amusing joke, but mathematically incorrect. OK.

0:22:22 > 0:22:26At the end of that round the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton!

0:22:26 > 0:22:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:22:29 > 0:22:32Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

0:22:32 > 0:22:35So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please,

0:22:35 > 0:22:36I'll read out this week's topics

0:22:36 > 0:22:39and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

0:22:39 > 0:22:40OK. Here we go.

0:22:40 > 0:22:42The first subject is...

0:22:48 > 0:22:51We, the jury, have yet to reach a final verdict,

0:22:51 > 0:22:53but we would like to have a guess.

0:22:53 > 0:22:56Is it Mrs Peacock with the candlestick in the library?

0:22:56 > 0:22:58LAUGHTER

0:23:00 > 0:23:05The defendant is, as you can see, an evil man with a black heart.

0:23:05 > 0:23:08But nice, firm buttocks.

0:23:08 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER

0:23:11 > 0:23:13APPLAUSE

0:23:13 > 0:23:18The Guildford Four and the Birmingham Six

0:23:18 > 0:23:20were miscarriages of justice.

0:23:20 > 0:23:23But S Club 7 must remain in prison.

0:23:27 > 0:23:32If I'm guilty of anything, it's caring too much.

0:23:32 > 0:23:34And embezzlement.

0:23:34 > 0:23:36Embezzlement and caring too much.

0:23:36 > 0:23:37That's all I'm guilty of.

0:23:40 > 0:23:43It appears that we have a hung jury.

0:23:43 > 0:23:45Thank you, gentlemen,

0:23:45 > 0:23:48you can put your trousers back on now.

0:23:49 > 0:23:53OK, Mr Pistorius, there will now be a toilet break.

0:23:53 > 0:23:56Don't anybody else go in there.

0:23:58 > 0:24:01APPLAUSE

0:24:01 > 0:24:05Before I pass down this sentence of death, how about a selfie?

0:24:05 > 0:24:07Oh, my God, your death face is so random.

0:24:10 > 0:24:15You are accused of stealing top-of-the-range toilet rolls.

0:24:15 > 0:24:17How do you plead?

0:24:17 > 0:24:18Quilty or not quilty?

0:24:18 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER

0:24:25 > 0:24:28No, Mr Coulson, we're not going to tell you your sentence,

0:24:28 > 0:24:32instead we've left a message for you on Hugh Grant's voice mail.

0:24:32 > 0:24:35APPLAUSE

0:24:37 > 0:24:40I am now going to pronounce sentence.

0:24:40 > 0:24:42Sen-tence.

0:24:43 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER

0:24:48 > 0:24:50Mr Clapton, I put it to you

0:24:50 > 0:24:52that it is highly unlikely

0:24:52 > 0:24:55that you did not shoot the deputy,

0:24:55 > 0:24:57given that you've already admitted

0:24:57 > 0:24:59that you did shoot the sheriff.

0:24:59 > 0:25:02LAUGHTER

0:25:06 > 0:25:07OK...

0:25:07 > 0:25:09# Rock-a-bye, baby,

0:25:09 > 0:25:10# On the tree top... #

0:25:10 > 0:25:11Oh, "alibi"...

0:25:11 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER

0:25:17 > 0:25:19Well, it's been a long and complex trial,

0:25:19 > 0:25:23so, before sentencing, let's have a look at some of your best bits!

0:25:26 > 0:25:29Mr Pistorius, the court rejects your defence

0:25:29 > 0:25:31that at the time of the crime

0:25:31 > 0:25:32you were legless.

0:25:32 > 0:25:34LAUGHTER

0:25:37 > 0:25:39And now, Mr Harris,

0:25:39 > 0:25:41it is time for your sentence.

0:25:41 > 0:25:43Can you tell what it is yet?

0:25:48 > 0:25:52You are accused of unnecessarily advertising a make of smoothie.

0:25:52 > 0:25:54How do you plead? Be careful.

0:25:56 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER

0:25:58 > 0:26:00OK, the next topic is...

0:26:05 > 0:26:06Watch out for Crocs,

0:26:06 > 0:26:10because anybody wearing Crocs is a bell-end.

0:26:11 > 0:26:13APPLAUSE

0:26:16 > 0:26:19What's incredible about the emperor penguin

0:26:19 > 0:26:22is its ability to make you look like a shit father.

0:26:26 > 0:26:29This is the most fantastic migration I've ever seen.

0:26:29 > 0:26:33These Romanians are moving in next door to Nigel Farage.

0:26:33 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER

0:26:36 > 0:26:38If you're in the jungle for a few months,

0:26:38 > 0:26:41use a leaf and some river moss from a bank.

0:26:41 > 0:26:43It really does feel like a lady.

0:26:47 > 0:26:50Well, it took some pliers and an awful lot of gaffer tape

0:26:50 > 0:26:54but I finally got this flamingo's legs on the right way round.

0:26:57 > 0:27:01I have spent my whole life living with hyenas.

0:27:02 > 0:27:04It hasn't been easy

0:27:04 > 0:27:07but there've been a lot of laughs as well.

0:27:07 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER

0:27:09 > 0:27:13DARA HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER

0:27:20 > 0:27:24The barbs that come off these tiny creatures can be very painful.

0:27:24 > 0:27:27This one just called me a talentless wanker.

0:27:27 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER

0:27:32 > 0:27:35The pack of meerkats surrounded the helpless lizard

0:27:35 > 0:27:36and, within seconds,

0:27:36 > 0:27:40he'd been forced to change his car-insurance supplier.

0:27:44 > 0:27:47The comics, or jesterlings,

0:27:47 > 0:27:49all jostle for position,

0:27:49 > 0:27:52eager to present their humour to the large alpha male.

0:27:52 > 0:27:53Urgggh!

0:27:53 > 0:27:56BUZZER

0:27:56 > 0:27:58LAUGHTER

0:28:01 > 0:28:03A badger, in its natural environment -

0:28:03 > 0:28:05on the hard shoulder being pecked at by crows.

0:28:09 > 0:28:13This lioness has just had four cubs,

0:28:13 > 0:28:15but it's not as sweet as it looks.

0:28:15 > 0:28:18She's also had three Brownies, two Guides and a Venture Scout.

0:28:21 > 0:28:23And this little fella,

0:28:23 > 0:28:24this little bird,

0:28:24 > 0:28:28his head can literally turn three hundred and....

0:28:28 > 0:28:30LAUGHTER

0:28:30 > 0:28:32That's owls, isn't it?

0:28:36 > 0:28:39And now the male attempts you-know-what

0:28:39 > 0:28:42by putting his thingamajig

0:28:42 > 0:28:45in the female's what-d'you-ma-call-it.

0:28:48 > 0:28:50APPLAUSE

0:28:51 > 0:28:55And here I am in the shrubbery outside the BBC Centre.

0:28:55 > 0:28:58And I think I've spotted... I have, I've spotted one -

0:28:58 > 0:28:59this is extremely rare.

0:28:59 > 0:29:01It is... It's a female panellist.

0:29:01 > 0:29:03LAUGHTER

0:29:03 > 0:29:05APPLAUSE

0:29:07 > 0:29:09Just one bite from this snake

0:29:09 > 0:29:13can paralyse the nervous system in three seconds.

0:29:16 > 0:29:18LAUGHTER

0:29:23 > 0:29:26You'll have to excuse the trembling excitement in my voice,

0:29:26 > 0:29:29as I am currently being noshed off by Bill Oddie.

0:29:29 > 0:29:32LAUGHTER

0:29:34 > 0:29:37OK, at the end of that round the points go to Russell, Zoe and Andy!

0:29:39 > 0:29:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:29:45 > 0:29:46And that's the end of the show.

0:29:46 > 0:29:49This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones!

0:29:49 > 0:29:51CHEERING

0:29:53 > 0:29:58Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Russell Kane.

0:29:58 > 0:30:00CHEERING

0:30:00 > 0:30:03Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

0:30:06 > 0:30:10# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

0:30:12 > 0:30:15# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

0:30:17 > 0:30:20# Read all about it

0:30:20 > 0:30:23# Read all about it

0:30:23 > 0:30:26# News of the world News of the world. #