0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:14MUSIC: News Of The World by The Jam
0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan
0:00:40 > 0:00:44and Josh Widdicombe, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:53We start with a round called -
0:00:53 > 0:00:55If this is the answer, what is the question?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57On the board are six categories.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Katherine, which category would you like?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Politics. - OK, Politics is the category.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06The answer is 307 years. What is the question?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Is it, how long does an episode of Tumble feel like?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Is it, how long before it's safe to play a wobble board again?
0:01:17 > 0:01:18In many ways,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21the wobble board industry was the real victim of that.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Is it, how much older than her face do Madonna's hands look?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Is it, what is the age of Alexander Armstrong plus Tess Daly,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35plus Claudia Winkleman times Blue Ivy, minus Rachel Riley,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37plus me, plus the Queen?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43No, you're off by a couple of years.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Is it, how long before climate change will change Scotland
0:01:47 > 0:01:49into a viable holiday destination?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Dara, if loving you was illegal,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00how long would they have to sentence me for?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Really, really creepy.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Is it, what is the combined age of 307 One Direction fans?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Is it, without the plastic surgery, how old did Joan Rivers look?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21AUDIENCE GROANS
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Tragedy plus time.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26There's no "plus time" with Joan Rivers.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's how long her body will take to decompose.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Sorry, Joan.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- It's what she would have wanted. - Peace out, Joan, peace out.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43When will the Jeremy Kyle Show run out of scum?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I distance myself from that sentiment.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56OK, does anyone have the actual answer? 307 years, come on.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59How long has Scotland been a part of Great Britain?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01That's absolutely right, yes.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Yes, the question I was looking for was -
0:03:08 > 0:03:10how long has it been since the union between England
0:03:10 > 0:03:11and Scotland came into being?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Ahead of next week's referendum in Scotland, a YouGov poll suggested
0:03:15 > 0:03:18support for independence is in the lead for the first time.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Although other surveys indicate the No campaign is still just ahead.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It's a very highly charged issue, and lots of people feel
0:03:23 > 0:03:26very strongly about it, so it's important that we're not seen here
0:03:26 > 0:03:28to be taking sides, and we remain impartial.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It also helps there are literally no Scottish people
0:03:31 > 0:03:32appearing on the show this week.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35That is not a coincidence that there are no Scottish people in public
0:03:35 > 0:03:37who want to give an opinion on this.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40"Oh, no, I'm not available that week."
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Is it just me or every time you hear YouGov you want to go,
0:03:43 > 0:03:44"Yes, squire?"
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I know that Scottish people don't like it when people who aren't
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Scottish discuss it, though, because it's very,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"It's nothing to do with you."
0:03:53 > 0:03:56But it does affect all of us, because if Scotland go independent
0:03:56 > 0:03:59that will affect everybody.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Every country on the planet will now have to buy an embassy in Scotland.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06And, you know, Greece can't afford a house in Edinburgh.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Certainly not during Festival time.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Ireland, Greece and Portugal - we'll have to get together
0:04:14 > 0:04:17and, like, share a flat in Falkirk.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25It will affect everybody, though, won't it?
0:04:25 > 0:04:26If Scotland go independent,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29the chance of a united Ireland is that much greater.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31There's a good chance that Wales will then leave.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Yorkshire will leave. Cornwall will leave.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38It will be "the more United Queendom of lesser Britain and no Ireland,"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40that is what it will be.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I think we should just do a thing where...
0:04:42 > 0:04:45a kind of "one out, one in" policy.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50So, when they go we'll, like, get Mexico,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52and then if England want to go... In the end,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56we could have a whole new line-up, like, you know the Sugababes?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04That would be a great idea.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06It would be good if it could be Mexico, Syria
0:05:06 > 0:05:10and Mutya Buena in the United Kingdom.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Mexico is edging its way in.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I've noticed a lot more burrito availability.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Burritos are very much the beach-head of the Mexico
0:05:18 > 0:05:21becoming part of the United Kingdom.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24It's unusual... Some of the effects of it...
0:05:24 > 0:05:30If it's a Yes vote, the average rainfall in Britain will go down.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37The average life expectancy in Britain will go up.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42And the Wimbledon clock will have to be reset at 78 years,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45and also saying things like...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- "You'll have had your tea, then," will now be racist.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Cos they weren't to begin with?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54It's just like... inter-regional joshing,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56whereas now it's across international borders -
0:05:56 > 0:05:58that's an act of war.
0:05:59 > 0:06:05The rhetoric of the No campaign has been very negative for a No campaign.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06It has been!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09In a way, if you think of it as being a break-up,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12rather than being like, "I don't think this is working out,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"and I want to leave you." Rather than responding with,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17"But come on. We're such a great team,
0:06:17 > 0:06:18"the great times we've had together."
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Rather than being like that, they've been like,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"You're going to leave? You'd be nothing without me!"
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Personally, I'm just impressed at the speed with which
0:06:34 > 0:06:36the No campaign managed to get Kate pregnant.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Quite incredible.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I think that part of the problem is that the Scots, the English,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45the Welsh and Irish - they've all got very strong identities -
0:06:45 > 0:06:47whereas when anybody thinks of a British identity,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51they tend to think of a sort of watered-down English stereotype,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53more of a Hugh Grant sort of figure.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Whereas, of course, that's not the accurate English stereotype.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Much more accurate - fat, tracksuit and chips,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01getting sucked off in Magaluf.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06But if you think of that, that could easily be Scottish,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Welsh or Irish.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- That is the vision that we should be showing people.- You're right.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16The answer is staring you straight in the face and it is fried chicken.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18And I know this because I was about ten years old during
0:07:18 > 0:07:22the French/Canadian referendum in Canada, and they were really upset.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25They felt their French culture wasn't being respected in Canada.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Now, French Canadians don't realise
0:07:27 > 0:07:30they are not considered French anywhere else in the world,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33but they wanted signage to be all in French.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37And KFC is KFC in France.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41But in Quebec, they wanted it PFK, Poulet Frites Kentucky,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45and they banged on about that for ages. And as far as I remember -
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I was ten years old - we gave it to them, and they relaxed.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54That's great! So you would suggest
0:07:54 > 0:07:57driving vans up to Scotland and just going...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59HE SPEAKS FRENCH
0:08:02 > 0:08:05You can change the name so it would be McKFC
0:08:05 > 0:08:06and Mc-McDonalds.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Why don't we just call it Kilmarnock Fried Chicken.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Is anyone else worried about the future of
0:08:15 > 0:08:16the Great British Bake Off?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23It's surprising that it hasn't been more of an issue, to be honest.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Three weeks left - what if they go?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29That invalidates the result of the series. Bread week next week.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31What? They're leaving just before bread week?!
0:08:31 > 0:08:33These people are animals!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I think that Britain carries on, though, doesn't it?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41The United Kingdom just becomes a slightly different thing,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- but Britain still exits, doesn't it? - Great Britain goes, yeah, it does.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Great Britain goes, but Britain remains.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Couldn't we just scale it down and just become Good Britain?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Instead of UK - OK.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Cos, you've still got Wales - poor Wales.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02"We won't be the United Kingdom any more." Wales is like,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"I'm literally right here."
0:09:05 > 0:09:08The No campaign have tried to rebrand the Union
0:09:08 > 0:09:09to make it more sexy.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12They tried to learn from the fact that Brad and Angelina
0:09:12 > 0:09:14became known as Brangelina.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16They tried to take England and Scotland
0:09:16 > 0:09:19and put them together, and call them...England.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24But this is independence, I'm sorry.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I haven't really got involved in this at all. As an Irish person
0:09:27 > 0:09:30you kind of feel, "No, this is for you to worry about."
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Because the issues in Ireland, when we were looking for independence,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35were distinctly different.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39And it was like, at no point during Michael Collins's negotiations of
0:09:39 > 0:09:42the treaty in 1919 would it have changed if somebody had leaned in
0:09:42 > 0:09:44and gone, "But what currency will we use?"
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"Oh, you're right.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"We hadn't thought this through, actually. Sorry."
0:09:49 > 0:09:52But equally, it is kind of weird because you're going,
0:09:52 > 0:09:53"not a shot fired".
0:09:53 > 0:09:56This is independence without anyone being killed.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Any countries that have gained independence,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01this is the most peaceful...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03We would have loved, if independence were going,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06"Yeah, I've got work, then I've got coffee,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"then I'm going to get independence, then I'm going to do pilates."
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It's been the most peaceful so far,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16but Nigel Farage has yet to go up to Glasgow.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19It's a nightmare scenario for him because if Scotland votes Yes,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22immediately he's got five million more foreigners
0:10:22 > 0:10:24massing on England's shores.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30They've just brought Gordon Brown in, and he's leading the No campaign.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32He might conceivably get the result he wants,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34because when he led Labour in the General Election,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36he got a resounding no, didn't he?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Apparently, their secret weapon is they've offered to reduce
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Five-A-Day to Three-A-Day.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49The English are worried about losing the oil, but I was thinking,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51why don't we just, you know,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54boost up the fracking on the Scottish border, right,
0:10:54 > 0:10:59to make good our energy needs, and then if it all goes tits-up,
0:10:59 > 0:11:03we'll have a physical divide as well as a constitutional divide.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07You, essentially, you want to blow a hole between...
0:11:08 > 0:11:12We could then, like, all sit on the side and push it off with our legs.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16How deep is the hole that you're hoping to...that you would put,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- and would it float off? - I'll be absolutely honest with you,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I haven't thought through all the implications.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I'm going to tell you, whatever about the politics,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29the geology of your suggestion is also relatively weak!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32And then we'll drag Mexico into place!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:37APPLAUSE
0:11:39 > 0:11:43At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Gary.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45APPLAUSE
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Now we play a round called Jock The Week. This game...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:55..involves Josh and Gary.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57So if you could make your way to the performance area.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News
0:12:00 > 0:12:02and wherever it chooses to stop,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05one of our performers must step forward and talk about the subject.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09So the first subject is Weather.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Who wants to come in on that? Josh.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18My parents live in Devon, where they had these storms earlier this year.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22I got a very strange text off my mum just before the storms. It said,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24"So, Josh, just so you know - the storms are on their way
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"so I've put the wheelie bin in the shed."
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I'm not sure what I'm meant to do with this information.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I was going, "Oh thank God for that, I've been worrying."
0:12:37 > 0:12:38That's not what you do before a storm.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"Shall we get the kids inside?"
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"No, get the wheelie bin in the shed, mate,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46"it'll take another month to order one of those from the council."
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I've been watching the news going, "Terrible storms hit Britain,
0:12:49 > 0:12:50"14 wheelie bins are missing."
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I couldn't care less, I live 250 miles away.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57How strong are these storms that I need to watch out for the bin?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00The people I feel sorry for during the storms
0:13:00 > 0:13:01are the "on the spot reporters".
0:13:01 > 0:13:05They are people that know their bosses do not value them at all.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07They are people who got to work and their boss has gone,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10"Have you heard, there's a terrible storm on the way?"
0:13:10 > 0:13:12"Do you think I should go home?"
0:13:12 > 0:13:14"Better than that, mate.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19"I'm sending you down to the edge of the sea...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"where you're going to interview a man whose umbrella is inside out."
0:13:22 > 0:13:25People I don't like are those that complain during the storms,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27their flights were cancelled.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I wouldn't complain if my flight was cancelled during a storm.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I'd complain if I got to the airport
0:13:31 > 0:13:34and my flight was the only one that wasn't cancelled.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35If you got to the airport
0:13:35 > 0:13:39and they went, "EasyJet Flight E4597 is going to have a go for it."
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Well done, Josh.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50OK, that leaves us with Gary,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53let's see what you've been left with. spin the wheel.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57And the subject is Transport. OK, away you go.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I had a nightmare on the journey over here,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05and luckily that woke me up just before I ran over a small child.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14The other day I lost control at a roundabout,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17and then I went absolutely bonkers on the swings.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I stopped in a lay-by. There was a sign saying NO DUMPING -
0:14:22 > 0:14:24that was all right, I was just having a wee.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I joined a breakdown service for Scousers.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32It's called the "AA - calm down, calm down."
0:14:32 > 0:14:33If they can't fix your car in an hour,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36they'll nick you a new one.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41The Paralympics taught us all that sometimes we should stop and
0:14:41 > 0:14:45put ourselves in the place of people with disabilities, and I have to say
0:14:45 > 0:14:47those parking spaces are brilliant.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53In the car on the way over here
0:14:53 > 0:14:57I kept hearing this annoying whiny noise, so I pulled over,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00my girlfriend got out to have a look at the engine, and I drove off.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06The other night, I saw a couple weaving all over the street.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I said, "Honestly, get a loom."
0:15:15 > 0:15:16APPLAUSE
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I accidently filled the Escort with diesel.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20She died.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28OK. Points to both of you there, come on back, come on back.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40OK, our next round is called Picture Of The Week.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
0:15:43 > 0:15:45what is happening. So, what's going on here?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Cameron is saying to the Welsh people, "Look at the kind of guests
0:15:49 > 0:15:52"I bring to countries that don't ask for independence."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Is it the weirdest ever edition of Snog, Marry, Avoid?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05He's probably saying, "In this relationship, he's me,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08"and I'm Nick Clegg."
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Is he so posh, Cameron, that he's not playing air guitar,
0:16:17 > 0:16:19but he's playing air lute.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Is Cameron going, "So then the black guy says to the waiter..."
0:16:25 > 0:16:27"He's standing right there, isn't he?"
0:16:33 > 0:16:36That would be a diplomatic incident, wouldn't it?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Is he saying, "I'll be home late tonight,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42"this one's dragging me out for a pint."
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Is this proof that leaders ARE shape-shifting lizards?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49That's Cameron, Obama and Angela Merkel.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54He's going, "I've been telling them how you're all going to help me
0:16:54 > 0:16:57"to catch the known terrorist Abu-Gavenny."
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Is he saying, "We used to have one of these fellers at the Bullingdon
0:17:04 > 0:17:07"Club, he used to bring us drinks and play some jazz piano."
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Now, anyone got the actual answer?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14It's the NATO summit which was held in Newport.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Yes indeed. Well done. Thank you very much, Hugh.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Yes, this is a picture of US President Barack Obama
0:17:23 > 0:17:26and Prime Minister David Cameron during the recent NATO summit
0:17:26 > 0:17:29held at the Celtic Manor golf club and hotel in Newport, South Wales.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32The summit marks the first time that a serving American president
0:17:32 > 0:17:35has visited Wales, and talks were dominated by Afghanistan,
0:17:35 > 0:17:39the situation in Iraq and the conflict between Russia and Ukraine.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I love the idea that lots of world leaders - their first thing
0:17:42 > 0:17:44they see of Wales is Newport.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49It is basically, isn't it, if you go there - strip club, takeaway,
0:17:49 > 0:17:50strip club, takeaway.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54If you're a lap-dancing chef, you get a lot of work in Newport.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Did they mean to meet in New York
0:17:58 > 0:18:01but just have an autocorrect nightmare?
0:18:01 > 0:18:05What security measures were implemented for the summit?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Oh, there was a ring of steel.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09That was the term used for it. What was that?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- It's a fence. - Yes, it was a fence, yes, a fence.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It's a big fence.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Yes, what they did, they put a fence...
0:18:15 > 0:18:19They put it round some of Cardiff as well, around the castle.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21They should have just... It's a castle.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24On reflection, you know, you're right, there is
0:18:24 > 0:18:27a rather large wall as part of the castle.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29But they had like SWAT teams
0:18:29 > 0:18:31and at 2am on a Friday night in Cardiff,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I want to see the hen party versus SWAT team kick off.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38What did Barack Obama do immediately after the summit?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40He did a rather extraordinary thing, which was...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43He's got his own helicopter - it's called Marine One.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46And Marine One was flying him, I think, to London,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49and he made it stop on the way, because he wanted to see Stonehenge.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52He said it was the highlight of his tour.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54That is Newport for you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02He was also bloody lucky that when the helicopter landed,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04it didn't blow all the stones over,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06cos that would have been a disaster.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10He said it was part of his bucket list.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12It's good that Barack Obama's bucket list
0:19:12 > 0:19:15contains school trips I did as a kid.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I hope going to Cheddar Gorge and Wookey Hole were also
0:19:17 > 0:19:19part of his list...
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Barack is no stranger to wonders.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25I mean, he himself is an unarmed black man in America
0:19:25 > 0:19:27who has never been shot by the police.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Do you know what I did like about the whole thing, though?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- What did you like? - Some of the entertainment they had.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- What did they have?- One of the things they were entertained by
0:19:36 > 0:19:40was Prince Charles's official harp player.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43That's badass.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Because if you think about it...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I'm not a big royalist, but when you're got someone like Obama
0:19:48 > 0:19:51rolling into town, there's not many other world leaders
0:19:51 > 0:19:52can sort of outdo him.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- But this guy...- You know, you've got to go royal on his ass.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59No-one else has got, like, Air Force One, Marine One,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03but you can still go... "Have you got your own official harpist?"
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Pretty sweet. "Can you have your own dream sequences. Oooh!"
0:20:10 > 0:20:14But he's the Prince of Wales - why doesn't he just have whale music?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Surely that's more his thing.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Is he not that kind of whales?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22No, he's not the Prince of all whales.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26It's not like... It's not like Beastmaster.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I call forth the whales!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31IMITATES WHALE
0:20:33 > 0:20:38With them and my official harpist... Ooooooh, oooooh!
0:20:38 > 0:20:39MIMES HARP PLAYING
0:20:39 > 0:20:43I can't believe I've misunderstood that for 40 years.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Even this photo, I like to think he's just said,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49"What, Congress won't let you have your own harpist?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51"Baby, play him something."
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- We had a harp in our house.- Only the Prince of Wales could afford...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- We had a harp in our house... - How Irish are YOU?!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- I'm unbelievably Irish. - A harp in your house?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I am the most Irish person of all, come dance with me in Ireland.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07We had a harp in the house, yeah.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Were the poor children of your town allowed to come and play the harp?
0:21:11 > 0:21:15No, they would dance as I played. They would dance as I played...
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I've got an image of you now as the Pied Piper of Dublin...
0:21:24 > 0:21:25- Very much so.- ..leading the kids.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27A pair of green culottes.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31There will come a court case when they will replay this as evidence.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I come from a very different world.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Did you have clothes you could put on when you were playing the harp?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43No, I played it naked, that's how I played the harp!
0:21:43 > 0:21:44You straddle it...
0:21:44 > 0:21:47You straddle the harp naked, a leg on either side, right?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50But you hold your genitals close into the round bit,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52so they're not there, and then...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54And if you're drunk, you just bang it with your lad.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Bing, bing, bing-bong... Bing, bing, bong.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I challenge you all.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- None of you can play the harp with your penis like...- I can!
0:22:04 > 0:22:05None of you...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Is there a man here who can play the harp with his penis?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Did you just call it your "lad"? - Your lad, that's what you call it.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14- No, it's not.- Your lad.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18In harp-playing country, that's what you call it, right?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21No wonder Obama was looking surprised.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Sitting there with a harp... Aggressively, sexually...
0:22:27 > 0:22:28"Come on!"
0:22:28 > 0:22:31"What of it? What of it?!"
0:22:33 > 0:22:35So you're playing a harp...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37So you're playing a harp with an organ?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42APPLAUSE D'you know what...?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Psychologically, this is doing me the world of good,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51cos my dad was a bishop, so I used to spend quite a lot of my childhood
0:22:51 > 0:22:54dressing up as a bishop, and I thought I was weird.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- Have you still got a harp? - I don't have a harp.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01There was a harp in the house when I grew up...and it's still there.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04So now you have to go into, like, music shops to do it and stuff?
0:23:04 > 0:23:08I might buy it, I might buy it!
0:23:09 > 0:23:10- Some day!- "Sir... Sir..."
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Walking in and playing Stairway To Heaven with your lad?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"Sir, could you please at least wear a condom?"
0:23:17 > 0:23:19"Other people have been trying that harp."
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You don't want to get HARPIES.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Boom!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Aw, the neat end to that.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Well, that's the NATO summit covered.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39This show... This show, man, it make some points,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41it makes some points satirically.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45What's wrong, Britain, too much truth for ya?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Yeah, wake up, SHEEPLE!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Lifting the wool from your eyes!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55At the end of that round,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57the winners are Josh, Katherine and Andy!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07So if everyone can make their way to the performance area...
0:24:07 > 0:24:08I'll read out this week's topics,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14OK, here we go. The first subject is...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Unlikely Small Ads.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22For sale: One harp - really, really used.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28For sale: One hang-glider.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Don't call before two, as we're attending a funeral.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35BUZZER
0:24:35 > 0:24:38For sale: Engagement ring, never used.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Would suit heartless bitch.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43BUZZER
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Do you need a dog walker?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48You lazy bastard!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50BUZZER
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Comedian seeks new harp for no-STRINGS-attached sex.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59BUZZER
0:25:01 > 0:25:03After leaving an abusive relationship,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I'm looking for a fresh start.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Contact Scotland.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09BUZZER
0:25:09 > 0:25:13For sale: Freezer - not working properly,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15would make ideal fridge.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19BUZZER
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Flexible nanny required.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27My wife only does a missionary position.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29BUZZER
0:25:30 > 0:25:37For sale: Mitzuki 400 AK X3S with extended cab and vortex box
0:25:37 > 0:25:38with two brushes.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Would suit somebody who knows what the fuck it is.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44BUZZER
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Retired celebrity lookie-likie seeks alternative employment.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Also for sale: Wobble board, didgeridoo and paintbrushes.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56BUZZER
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Do you enjoy moonlit walks in the park?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Then you might have witnessed a murder last Thursday.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06BUZZER
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Internet troll seeks stupid, fat whore, lesbian bitch
0:26:10 > 0:26:13for stimulating conversation and walks on the beach.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14BUZZER
0:26:16 > 0:26:18For sale: Book of logic puzzles -
0:26:18 > 0:26:23would suit somebody who wants a book of logic puzzles.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25BUZZER
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Correction: Last week's notice was mistakenly placed
0:26:33 > 0:26:35in the Men Seeking Men column,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37but actually, I am genuinely seeking someone
0:26:37 > 0:26:39to demolish my back entrance.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44OK, the next topic is...
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Unlikely Lines From A Superhero Movie.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Come quick, Batman.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55Catwoman has just regurgitated Robin at the kitchen door again!
0:26:55 > 0:26:56BUZZER
0:26:58 > 0:27:02He's stopped us again. Damn you, Lollipop Man!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04BUZZER
0:27:07 > 0:27:12Hey, Storm, I got somethin' needs blowing!
0:27:14 > 0:27:15BUZZER
0:27:15 > 0:27:18The Dark Knight Rises...
0:27:18 > 0:27:21has a quick tug, goes flaccid again.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23BUZZER
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Spider-Man is dead and so is Fly-Man...
0:27:31 > 0:27:34swallowed by There-Was-An-Old-Lady-Woman.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37BUZZER
0:27:39 > 0:27:40How was my date with Spider-Man?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Well, you know how the average person
0:27:42 > 0:27:44swallows seven spiders in their sleep?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46What if it's like a million more than that?
0:27:46 > 0:27:47BUZZER
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Oh, my God! There's a coach full of children
0:27:53 > 0:27:56about to fall off a bridge on the M40!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Still not to worry, I can take the M1 instead.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01BUZZER
0:28:02 > 0:28:07A gas leak at the orphanage? Sounds like a job for me, the Human Torch.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09BUZZER
0:28:10 > 0:28:14You are the superhero every man wants to see...
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Girl-On-Girl.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20BUZZER
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Help! We need to film these scenes quickly!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26This must be a job for CAMERAMAN!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29AUDIENCE: Yay!
0:28:29 > 0:28:30BUZZER
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Of all the mutants,
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Magneto was the hardest to deal with,
0:28:36 > 0:28:37as he was bipolar.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39BUZZER
0:28:42 > 0:28:43I am Patient Man -
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I work out every day, eat a high-fibre diet
0:28:45 > 0:28:47and simply outlive my enemies.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52BUZZER
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Faster than a speeding bullet, stronger than an ox,
0:28:55 > 0:28:58and that's why we'd like you to piss in this cup.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00BUZZER
0:29:02 > 0:29:05They're getting away! What do we do, Patient Man?
0:29:05 > 0:29:06We wait.
0:29:10 > 0:29:11BUZZER
0:29:13 > 0:29:18# Spider-Man, Spider-Man Does whatever a spider can. #
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Help, I'm stuck in a bath!
0:29:23 > 0:29:24BUZZER
0:29:27 > 0:29:31I wonder what he's thinking... I wonder if he likes me.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33I wonder if I'm fat.
0:29:33 > 0:29:34Wonder Woman.
0:29:36 > 0:29:37BUZZER
0:29:39 > 0:29:43Is that your advice, Thor?
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Normally, I just cook from frozen.
0:29:47 > 0:29:48BUZZER
0:29:51 > 0:29:54The gates to the Netherworld are opening!
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Thor...!
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Hit them with your fucking hammer.
0:30:02 > 0:30:03BUZZER
0:30:03 > 0:30:08At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh, and Gary!
0:30:08 > 0:30:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:14 > 0:30:16And that's the end of the show.
0:30:16 > 0:30:20This week's winners are...Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Josh Widdicombe.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:29 > 0:30:33Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain, good night.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40# Read about the things that happen throughout the world
0:30:42 > 0:30:46# Don't believe in everything you see or hear
0:30:47 > 0:30:50# Read all about it
0:30:50 > 0:30:52# Read all about it
0:30:52 > 0:30:54# News of the world
0:30:54 > 0:30:56# News of the world. #